Life partner left me. Met new man.

When a fuck buddy becomes something more.
starfish1981
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Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by starfish1981 » Sat May 07, 2022 9:24 pm

About 6 months ago my life partner left after a fight. We had developed a toxic relationship. Our life partnership was falling apart. Turns out she met someone else soon after. She is still with him and admits to have fallen in love.

I love her very much. This news hurt me but I don’t want to let it destroy us. Im trying to fight for us. Though she is quite into him. She and I have a very hard time disconnecting from eachother. We have a very strong connection. We still see eachother as life partners. She seems to be happy with her new boyfriend at the moment and I’m certain their sexual connection is much stronger. I can’t compete with this but I love her deeply.

I’ve recently asked her if we could be in a poly relationship where I could continue to be her supportive life partner. I offered to take on a friend roll. I am accepting of he being her primary while they are together.

She doesn’t want a poly situation and things are getting worse between us but we simply can’t disconnect from eachother or let eachother go. What can I do?

Does anybody have advice for me in how to make this work. I’m trying to totally submit to their relationship for the good of us but she’s not giving me much. I’m afraid I’ll lose her.

DavaoMike
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Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by DavaoMike » Sun May 08, 2022 7:51 am

It could be completely over, but it’s also possible that your lady is in the throes of new relationship energy (NRE). It’s like a rollercoaster ride. I would just give her some space and be patient. If it’s just NRE and not true love, their relationship will invariably fall apart eventually, and then she might come back to you. There’s no way to know for sure, at this point. But if you don’t want to play the waiting game, it’s probably best to just move on.

DM

mundyman
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Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by mundyman » Sun May 08, 2022 7:59 am

I would casually stay in touch, but not be over bearing in my amount of contact.
If it is meant for to come back to you, she eventually will.
If she doesn’t, then it wasn’t meant to be and move on.
In the mean time I would also be open to dating and seeing other people socially.

fredfred2
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Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by fredfred2 » Sun May 08, 2022 9:41 am

If she does return to you afer the fires of first passions have past. You will have a great opertunity to lay down on how your new relationship will be with her. Don't miss the opportunity to mould a new tipe of relationship with her

starfish1981
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Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by starfish1981 » Sun May 08, 2022 8:50 pm

DavaoMike wrote:
Sun May 08, 2022 7:51 am
It could be completely over, but it’s also possible that your lady is in the throes of new relationship energy (NRE). It’s like a rollercoaster ride. I would just give her some space and be patient. If it’s just NRE and not true love, their relationship will invariably fall apart eventually, and then she might come back to you. There’s no way to know for sure, at this point. But if you don’t want to play the waiting game, it’s probably best to just move on.

DM
It’s been 4 months for them and I’m hoping it’s NRE too. She’s having a hard time disconnecting from me too. She’s recently discussed she wants to come visit me at our home for a week or so and even told her bf this. She told him she wanted to maintain contact with me and that it would be as friends.

We spoke about this and she mentioned she’d sleep in our bed together but with boundaries. No physical play for us but cuddles would be ok… it’s very confusing. Her bf doesn’t know about the plan to share a bed but she insists she’d tell him before coming. I highly doubt he’d be ok with that arrangement. And she insists she’s very forthcoming with him.

starfish1981
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Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by starfish1981 » Tue May 10, 2022 5:08 am

fredfred2 wrote:
Sun May 08, 2022 9:41 am
If she does return to you afer the fires of first passions have past. You will have a great opertunity to lay down on how your new relationship will be with her. Don't miss the opportunity to mould a new tipe of relationship with her
Can you explain what you mean about not missing an opportunity to mould a new type of relationship?

I’m really into cuckolding but she isn’t.

fredfred2
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Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by fredfred2 » Tue May 10, 2022 6:59 am

If she returns to you after the fires of passion die down. You can set the terms as she left you and now is returning.

54321
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Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by 54321 » Tue May 10, 2022 8:27 am

It's over. Move on!

I know that's painful to hear but it's the only way. In a couple of years, you'll look back and think, "Dodged a bullet there!"

54321

Christinebitg

Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by Christinebitg » Wed May 11, 2022 8:09 am

54321 wrote:
Tue May 10, 2022 8:27 am
It's over. Move on!

I know that's painful to hear but it's the only way. In a couple of years, you'll look back and think, "Dodged a bullet there!"
I'm with you on this one.

If a person says they don't want a poly relationship, then it's not going to happen.

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WatchinginNJ
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Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by WatchinginNJ » Wed May 11, 2022 8:58 am

You should look into recognizing symptoms of codependency.

Chrislydi
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Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by Chrislydi » Wed May 11, 2022 9:07 am

On the surface a reader might think just move on but I know if my wife ever did this then that would be impossible for me, mentally as much as anything. The possibility NRE is a major factor as put forward by more than a few, offers the best hope, maybe their bond will weaken, and the great initial newness and passion gradually plateau where it's not so all encompassing and exciting for them.

We all know living together, even for perfectly matched couples, isn't all roses, there will be rows and problems. Theirs might be some romantic idyll now but it won't always be like that, the other person's faults do become more noticeable and the honeymoon period never lasts forever.

All you can do is take every opportunity offered to stay in contact, under whatever restrictions or limits are imposed. To be there, even through regularly messaging her and offering advice and help , continuing to be a part of her life, however peripheral is important. If, and hopefully when, their relationship goes stale or hits problems, if she has the knowledge your love and support has never once even wavered under the severest of tests, then she's going to be far more likely to come back to her soul mate, especially if she could never really break that bond completely in the first place.

Good luck as your loyalty deserves a happy ending.

Chris.
**********************

My account of our first time, what happened afterwards and when my marriage was in trouble - link below.

Thank you for any who comment

viewtopic.php?t=65641

Laney26
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Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by Laney26 » Mon Jun 13, 2022 7:22 am

Break ups are tough to take. But lets review

You say you guys have a toxic relationship, break up after a fight, and she moves on after to a new man. She also tells you she isn't interested in a poly relationship.

Not everyone is cut out to poly/hotwife. She told she isn't interested, you need to beilive her and accept that the fact that she is an adult with her agency and will, and that you have to respect it even if you don't like it rather than you attempting to change her mind.

Take the hard steps to disentangle and separate your lives. Given your feelings and connections accept this isn't the type of breakups where you can stay friends. For your own wellbeing put distance between yourself and she, and go cold turkey if you have too. She has the right to decide she doesn't want this and you have the right to decide that you aren't going to have contact with her.

You can't move on if she's coming to visit and sleep in your bed.

I hope thinks get better for you soon.

anonymister1948

Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by anonymister1948 » Tue Jun 14, 2022 10:09 pm

Laney26 wrote:
Mon Jun 13, 2022 7:22 am
Break ups are tough to take. But lets review

You say you guys have a toxic relationship, break up after a fight, and she moves on after to a new man. She also tells you she isn't interested in a poly relationship.

Not everyone is cut out to poly/hotwife. She told she isn't interested, you need to beilive her and accept that the fact that she is an adult with her agency and will, and that you have to respect it even if you don't like it rather than you attempting to change her mind.

Take the hard steps to disentangle and separate your lives. Given your feelings and connections accept this isn't the type of breakups where you can stay friends. For your own wellbeing put distance between yourself and she, and go cold turkey if you have too. She has the right to decide she doesn't want this and you have the right to decide that you aren't going to have contact with her.

You can't move on if she's coming to visit and sleep in your bed.

I hope thinks get better for you soon.
Thank you for laying this out the way you did. Being poly under these circumstances is perhaps the worst idea I can imagine.

OP, you aren't doing this because of compersion. You aren't doing it because of kink. You're doing it out of desperation and poly under desperation, like poly under duress, never ends well. In fact, it seems all you're doing is prolonging your misery.

Life is too short to be miserable. Don't get old wishing you had done something different for yourself to be happy. For me, it would be divorce, let the courts settle the estate, and move on. If the NRE wears off and she wants back in your life, re-marry, with a new marital agreement. But the old marriage is dead and given it's been toxic for this long, that's probably a good thing. Give it a couple of years and who knows what happens. But it can never go back to where it was.

Christinebitg

Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by Christinebitg » Fri Jun 24, 2022 5:01 pm

<< About 6 months ago my life partner left after a fight. We had developed a toxic relationship. Our life partnership was falling apart. Turns out she met someone else soon after. She is still with him and admits to have fallen in love. >>

I was looking at this message thread again this evening, and something occurred to me.

Now, I could be completely off base on this. Or maybe not. I dunno.

When I re-read the first paragraph of the original post, what jumped out at me was... I'll bet that she had already met him when that big fight took place six months prior to the post.

afagehi7

Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by afagehi7 » Sat Jun 25, 2022 3:55 am

Christinebitg wrote:
Fri Jun 24, 2022 5:01 pm
<< About 6 months ago my life partner left after a fight. We had developed a toxic relationship. Our life partnership was falling apart. Turns out she met someone else soon after. She is still with him and admits to have fallen in love. >>

I was looking at this message thread again this evening, and something occurred to me.

Now, I could be completely off base on this. Or maybe not. I dunno.

When I re-read the first paragraph of the original post, what jumped out at me was... I'll bet that she had already met him when that big fight took place six months prior to the post.
Of course, that's usually how it works. She needed an excuse to feel ok with it

Christinebitg

Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by Christinebitg » Sat Jun 25, 2022 6:15 am

afagehi7 wrote:
Sat Jun 25, 2022 3:55 am
Christinebitg wrote:
Fri Jun 24, 2022 5:01 pm
<< About 6 months ago my life partner left after a fight. We had developed a toxic relationship. Our life partnership was falling apart. Turns out she met someone else soon after. She is still with him and admits to have fallen in love. >>

I was looking at this message thread again this evening, and something occurred to me.

Now, I could be completely off base on this. Or maybe not. I dunno.

When I re-read the first paragraph of the original post, what jumped out at me was... I'll bet that she had already met him when that big fight took place six months prior to the post.
Of course, that's usually how it works. She needed an excuse to feel ok with it
Oh yes. Some women especially like to pretend that the breakup wasn't their fault. They'll have a screaming hissy fit at you that lasts for hours or days, but it's your fault if you so much as whisper the words "I don't think this relationship is working out."

Now, I get that this is a huge over-generalization. But it does happen that way sometimes.

So I guess I would change what you said from
"She needed an excuse to feel ok with it" to

<<She wanted you to think that the big fight didn't have anything to do with her already having met your replacement.>>

afagehi7

Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by afagehi7 » Sat Jun 25, 2022 11:26 am

Christinebitg wrote:
Sat Jun 25, 2022 6:15 am
afagehi7 wrote:
Sat Jun 25, 2022 3:55 am
Christinebitg wrote:
Fri Jun 24, 2022 5:01 pm
<< About 6 months ago my life partner left after a fight. We had developed a toxic relationship. Our life partnership was falling apart. Turns out she met someone else soon after. She is still with him and admits to have fallen in love. >>

I was looking at this message thread again this evening, and something occurred to me.

Now, I could be completely off base on this. Or maybe not. I dunno.

When I re-read the first paragraph of the original post, what jumped out at me was... I'll bet that she had already met him when that big fight took place six months prior to the post.
Of course, that's usually how it works. She needed an excuse to feel ok with it
Oh yes. Some women especially like to pretend that the breakup wasn't their fault. They'll have a screaming hissy fit at you that lasts for hours or days, but it's your fault if you so much as whisper the words "I don't think this relationship is working out."

Now, I get that this is a huge over-generalization. But it does happen that way sometimes.

So I guess I would change what you said from
"She needed an excuse to feel ok with it" to

<<She wanted you to think that the big fight didn't have anything to do with her already having met your replacement.>>
This is a symptom of monkey branching... They usually have a replacement lined up. I've never been broken up with without a replacement in the works but I have broken up with no replacement in sight. I think women are much more strategic that way

Christinebitg

Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by Christinebitg » Sat Jun 25, 2022 9:40 pm

afagehi7 wrote:
Sat Jun 25, 2022 11:26 am
Christinebitg wrote:
Sat Jun 25, 2022 6:15 am
afagehi7 wrote:
Sat Jun 25, 2022 3:55 am
Christinebitg wrote:
Fri Jun 24, 2022 5:01 pm
<< About 6 months ago my life partner left after a fight. We had developed a toxic relationship. Our life partnership was falling apart. Turns out she met someone else soon after. She is still with him and admits to have fallen in love. >>

I was looking at this message thread again this evening, and something occurred to me.

Now, I could be completely off base on this. Or maybe not. I dunno.

When I re-read the first paragraph of the original post, what jumped out at me was... I'll bet that she had already met him when that big fight took place six months prior to the post.
Of course, that's usually how it works. She needed an excuse to feel ok with it
Oh yes. Some women especially like to pretend that the breakup wasn't their fault. They'll have a screaming hissy fit at you that lasts for hours or days, but it's your fault if you so much as whisper the words "I don't think this relationship is working out."

Now, I get that this is a huge over-generalization. But it does happen that way sometimes.

So I guess I would change what you said from
"She needed an excuse to feel ok with it" to

<<She wanted you to think that the big fight didn't have anything to do with her already having met your replacement.>>
This is a symptom of monkey branching... They usually have a replacement lined up. I've never been broken up with without a replacement in the works but I have broken up with no replacement in sight. I think women are much more strategic that way
Yes, that can happen.

I haven't heard the term "monkey branching" before. What does it signify for you? Something about going from one tree branch to another, perhaps?

afagehi7

Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by afagehi7 » Sat Jun 25, 2022 9:53 pm

Christinebitg wrote:
Sat Jun 25, 2022 9:40 pm


I haven't heard the term "monkey branching" before. What does it signify for you? Something about going from one tree branch to another, perhaps?
From urban dictionary.

Getting your next relationship set up before dumping your current S/O. Generally involves cheating (at least emotionally) on your current partner with the intended future partner. Refers to playing on the monkeybars, where you don't let go of the first bar until you've grabbed on the second

Chrislydi
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Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by Chrislydi » Sat Jun 25, 2022 10:44 pm

The monkey branching does look a plausible explanation for the final argument and bringing your toxic relationship to a head so she could more easily move on with her new boyfriend. That toxic relationship though how long had you been thinking of it in that way? It doesn't sound as if you had that much worth saving although you love her.

If you could find someone else then maybe that love will fade, and while staying friendly with her isn't a bad thing, don't tie yourself to holding on by your fingertips indefinitely, it didn't sound like it was in that kind of a healthy state anyway.

Chris
**********************

My account of our first time, what happened afterwards and when my marriage was in trouble - link below.

Thank you for any who comment

viewtopic.php?t=65641

bernhard_10777
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Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by bernhard_10777 » Thu Dec 01, 2022 8:47 pm

starfish1981, what's going on?

armyguyot1
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Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by armyguyot1 » Thu Dec 01, 2022 8:50 pm

Welcome to the forum bernhard_10777

cuck88
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Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by cuck88 » Mon Dec 05, 2022 6:26 am

My wife also left me but we have reconciled as freinds. Also friends with bull who is now married to her. I beleive if wife falls hard for bull then it's best to keep things cordial and be friends with both and accept their relationship

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Des 31
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Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by Des 31 » Fri Dec 09, 2022 10:02 am

That would be one of my worst nightmares, but I know it can happen to any open-marriage couple at any time. So sorry for your pain, Starfish.
Our hotwife history from its beginning at viewtopic.php?f=5&t=50057

DavaoMike
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Re: Life partner left me. Met new man.

Unread post by DavaoMike » Fri Dec 09, 2022 12:18 pm

cuck88 wrote:
Mon Dec 05, 2022 6:26 am
My wife also left me but we have reconciled as freinds. Also friends with bull who is now married to her. I beleive if wife falls hard for bull then it's best to keep things cordial and be friends with both and accept their relationship
Kudos to you. Personally, I could never be “friends” with an ex-wife who left me for someone else, and certainly not with the guy who took her from me. I’d rather just end things entirely and move on.

I feel lucky that although my Filipina wife has a long term boyfriend who she loves and regularly makes love with, I’m always Number One and our marriage is inviolate.

DM

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