Live in lover

When a fuck buddy becomes something more.
wingman
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Live in lover

Unread post by wingman » Sun Feb 08, 2009 8:15 pm

I was interested in several stories I read here, and on other discussion boards, about a situation where the wife's lover moved in (sometimes into the master bedroom, and other into the spare room). I found the most tantilizing for me were the ones where a friend/boarder moved in and became a lover.

Has anyone here had such an experience, or read about one that they care to share the location of??
Wingman
I've got her back, he's got her front.

Mia

Re: Live in lover

Unread post by Mia » Sun Feb 08, 2009 11:17 pm

wingman wrote: I was interested in several stories I read here, and on other discussion boards, about a situation where the wife's lover moved in (sometimes into the master bedroom, and other into the spare room). I found the most tantilizing for me were the ones where a friend/boarder moved in and became a lover.

Has anyone here had such an experience, or read about one that they care to share the location of??
In both of my long-term poly relationships, both men began as lovers of mine. The man in my first poly relationship became a family member and then moved in...the man in my second poly relationship moved in and then became a family member.

In the first instance, I had been living in two different states, with different "husbands" in each place. After my husband's mother died (which was necessary before we could all live together as a family), we sold the house in the other state and coalesced into a united family in the state where my husband and I had always lived. We lived together as a family for more than four years--until the second man left so he could realize his major life goal, which was to travel all of the world.

After the first man left so he could begin his global adventures, I began actively looking for another poly partner for a long-term relationship...and I found exactly this at my first poly "permissive" party. Several months after this new man and I began dating, he was notified that the mall where he leased a storefront was planning major reconstruction; as a result, when his lease expired it was not going to be renewed. Since his store was about two hours away from my house on a good traffic day, the three of us decided that this was an unexpected opportunity for him to move to where my husband and I lived. Twenty-four years later, we are still very much together today.

So far as bedrooms go, in my first poly relationship each man had "his" own bedroom and I rotated (though my clothes were in the second bedroom because the master suite was filled floor-to-ceiling with books).

In my second poly relationship, my husband--at his request--had his own "separate," but very much integral-to-the-house "apartment" on the ground floor of our two-story house, while the other man and I had the master suite upstairs.

Excellent topic, wingman. I think these kinds of practical questions are fascinating and fun, and if I didn't have prior poly experiences, I would be looking everywhere for exactly this kind of information!

atl50fun
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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by atl50fun » Mon Feb 09, 2009 2:38 am

Mia, thanks for the informative post...I always enjoy reading your posts and hearing your ideas and thoughts. Have the men in your life become accustomed to enjoying you (sexually) together? Sorry to be so blunt - but when you get horny - do you target one of them - or act playful and see which one wants you? (I know I'm over simplifying, but you get the idea)

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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by Matt2 » Mon Feb 09, 2009 11:07 am

I've always thought of this as a "poly-like" arrangement. Due to circumstances we were destined to separate and go our own ways so we didn't, sadly, enjoy a gradual maturing of the arrangement.

My wife and I took in a boarder (in the service) after we'd been married 2 years, a cherished friend we'd become concerned about (his wife had run off with someone,) and didn't want him doing something crazy from self-doubt and loneliness. "Mark" slept weekends on the couch, purely platonic, we were like a surrogate family for him.

On a different plane my wife and I had already discussed sharing; she once tested the water by "making out" with a man one afternoon at my encouragement. Ultimately that connection didn't thrive, his fault, but she accepted the principle as "quite interesting".

Long story short, Mark was eventually invited into the bedroom and "weekend stays" grew from 2 days to 3 days, then 4, etc. At the onset there were amusing little discussions on "which husband she'd sleep with tonight" after the sex. The onset also proved to be a period of discovery and enlightenment: watching was pretty cool but a good night's sleep emerged as compulsory - one of us eventually began taking the couch each night. Since Mark and I both traveled on separate schedules she was seldom "left alone", an unexpected benefit regarding personal safety.

In summary we joined together under the same roof as friends, sex was added later as a form of entertainment (we were poor.) It lasted just under a year before my enlistment ended. Our personalities just seemed to combine well; each had a "station in life" that we occupied that complimented our arrangement. Since the apartment was very small us guys felt a little cramped. TWO bedrooms would have been better for longevity.

Sadly we never tried it again.
Long before the Internet, long before dating sites and support groups... we found that her doing a close friend now and then was kinda hot!

Mia

Re: Live in lover

Unread post by Mia » Mon Feb 09, 2009 9:24 pm

atl50fun wrote: Mia...have the men in your life become accustomed to enjoying you (sexually) together?
Unfortunately for me: No. Not up to now.

Despite the fact that male bisexuality is highly attractive to me, in my long-term relationships so far, most of my partners have apparently been some of the straightest men around. No problem for them with sharing me sequentially, but up to now, never at the same time.

(My only threesome was a FMF, and it was a gift from two people who loved me very much, so the gender combination of that threesome was not of my choosing.)

I am actively looking to expand my previous sexual parameters, however. ;)

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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by wingman » Sat Feb 14, 2009 9:52 pm

Mia - thanks for the comments, and story overviews

I was wondering if anyone had any detailed stoires like we see in many of the posts here. Having to live the lifestyle vicariously (my wife is not really into this yet and I very much respect her wishes), I love to follow the story through multiple posts.

If anyone has seen stories of this plotline elsewhere, I also would like to get a pointer to that location.

Hopefully...

Wingman
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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by MikeandDeb » Mon Feb 16, 2009 4:57 am

We had my wife's girlfriend live with us for awhile. At first it was just my wife and her and myself and my wife but eventually we all ended up sleeping together in the same room and she became my girlfriend as well. It lasted for almost a year before we ended it.
We had kids my wife and I and they were getting older so we all thought it was best. Also Deb and I were into swinging and B wasn't interested. Deb and I didn't want to swing without her and felt we'd be cheating on her if we did. So eventually we decided to end it. But we all remain friends and do talk regularly.
B has a new Girlfriend who knows about our relationship and is a bit weirded out by it and us so we haven't seen B just talked. It was fun somewhat of an emotional roller coaster but I think given the right circumstances we'd do it again. The kids would have to be grown and out of the house.
We did have a regular partner one summer who was a friend a co worker of mine.
Deb and he really hit it off so she and he had a exclusive summer. We would go over to his place about three times a week. We'd have dinner discuss the day and then they would get cozy on the couch as we'd watch TV. Eventually they would go upstairs for some private time. I would stay downstairs watching TV and give them their time together before I would join them for a threesome. She was able to go over there without me for just one on one time with him. So it was a perfect time and the closest she got to having to husbands. That finally ended when he got engaged. Although he has yet to get married and we have talked about getting started again. I don't think we would feel comfortable about doing it because he is currently still engaged even though it's been a two year engagement.

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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by passionman1 » Sun Feb 22, 2009 6:38 am

My comment is directed mainly toward Mia, but others weigh in too:

Mia: I read your posts in this thread and in others with intense interest. I am a 52 yr old male who has been living with a 31 yr old female for the last 3 yrs. When we first entered into our relationship, I gave her permission (if she ever wanted it) to take another lover - especially as I get older and perhaps (let's say become less 'functional'). She loves me very much and has indicated that would never be an option for her. So I let it be, knowing she knows she has the option. Should another lover arrive on the scene, I would prefer it to be a live-in situation, only because I feel most comfortable with things right up front. But I also realize it's a decision that she has a right to weigh in with and I also understand that it will alter our relationship permanently.

When I first considered giving her this permission, I spent a lot of time thinking why I wanted to give it to her. What I decided after much thought, was that as I get older into late 60's and 70's, she will still be a young woman and surely her needs will be different than mine and must be met in some capacity in order for her to feel good about herself and happy. Even now, our needs are different, and if she wanted to venture out into the Poly lifestyle, I would not have a problem with it. For myself, I have no need of having another lover at this point in my life as I have had my share, and I'm quite content to live out the rest of my life with her at my side.

What I'm giving her is not just permission to have intercourse with another man, but to have a relationship that would fulfill whatever was lacking in her life at any point in time. Each of us believe that sexual intimacy flows out of a loving relationship, not the other way around and it is for that reason that we would probably never enter into threesome scenario unless there was a strong overwhelming reason to. The final reason, was because there will come a day when I will be gone, and it would be nice to know going out that she has someone to support and help her through that transition.

That all said - I have some questions and observations I'd like to share for discussion.

First an observation: A friend of mine was involved in a similar situation as those described throughout this forum dealing with Poly and it ended badly for them - almost breaking up their marriage. It was FMF arrangement, which has a very different dynamic than a MFM arrangement I would believe. The issues were not sexual related as was told to me, but revolved around the feelings of being left out, felling ganged up on (even though it never happened by their own admittance) or feeling like a third wheel in the relationship as a whole.

As I read through these forums, what I see is a majority of post by men that mostly aim at the sexual slant of things. While the sexual slant is arguably the lightning rod for them, what I think newbies fail to see is the extremely complex emotional dynamic of multiple love relationships. It is hard enough getting along with one person sometimes, say nothing of two, and when arguments break out as they will between two people, the third person in the relationship finds themselves potentially in the unenviable position of being asked to take sides, or being run to for emotional support which only widens the distance between the two individuals who are arguing. (I believe that was the 'almost undoing' of my friends relationship). Not to mention, putting the one being run to and the other one who is being run away from in diametric positions.

So, my first question for you, is what is your method of handling the above dynamic.

Another thing I see in some of the posts is the lack of female response regarding their perspective on where they stand in such relationships. To date, most of what I've seen is MFM, so (and I don't mean to leave anyone out because I haven't read every single response on every thread) the only one whom I feel who has addressed any the female response or perspective has been you. Men and women have very different takes on sex and love and relationship. From this man's point of view - sex can 'often-but not always' equate into love, which isn't always the case. The lines can become easily blurred and it isn't until sometime after that he sorts it out - sometimes to the detriment of all.

So, my next question is, (and other ladies please chime in) what are your feelings regarding the emotional aspects of being the point of the 'V'? Especially after the heat of the relationship has waned, as it most surely will. Do you ever have second thoughts, feel trapped, obligated to pay more attention to one of your partners. If you respond, please be honest, as I know for many of us - me included - it's easier to sometimes give lip service than to come right out and say it.

Although I've never been involved in a poly relationship, I think if I were the point of the 'V' from a FMF relationship, I would (in the beginning) feel a constant need to be vigilant to make sure both my partners felt secure in the situation, that they were fed emotionally and physically. That could get to be trying at times and make me feel like I have no time to just be myself. Logic says that's over-thinking the issue, but the reality is often the opposite case (unless you're a completely selfish person, which will more than likely doom the relationship from the get-go).

So my last question for the time being is this: how much does/did the above situation apply to you in the beginning and how much of the communication between the parties during the beginning of your relationship deal on the intangible feelings that live just below the surface? Because I believe these are the real issues that need to be worked out first as they relate to not only the physical sharing of bodies, but the actual 'living with each other' and all our idiosyncrasies and 'bad' habits (because we all have bad habits :D ).

Sorry for such a long post post and thank you for your time.
Life is short - live well, love fiercely!

Mia

Yes...

Unread post by Mia » Mon Feb 23, 2009 12:51 am

passionman1 wrote:My comment is directed mainly toward Mia, but others weigh in too:

...What I'm giving her is not just permission to have intercourse with another man, but to have a relationship that would fulfill whatever was lacking in her life at any point in time. Each of us believe that sexual intimacy flows out of a loving relationship, not the other way around and it is for that reason that we would probably never enter into threesome scenario unless there was a strong overwhelming reason to. The final reason, was because there will come a day when I will be gone, and it would be nice to know going out that she has someone to support and help her through that transition.
Yes.

There are many poly families which have been created in the later decades of life to meet these exact needs: love, sex, friendship, companionship, mutual caring, and mutual support. The organization through which I met my S.O. twenty-five years ago has, over this same period of time, evolved into what amounts to a very extended North American poly "family," with individual "nuclear families" composed of many configurations of relationships and genders, most of whom now live either under one roof, or else close together in a particular geographical area. After almost three decades of experience, it is certainly now possible to say that these kinds of intentional poly families, formed by adults (often parents of grown children) who then advance through the subsequent years together, are highly successful. As life (and death) occur, these intentional poly families can be amazingly resiliant, meeting most of everyone's practical, emotional, and sexual needs most of the time.
passionman1 wrote:
A friend of mine was involved in a similar situation as those described throughout this forum dealing with Poly and it ended badly for them - almost breaking up their marriage. It was FMF arrangement, which has a very different dynamic than a MFM arrangement I would believe. The issues were not sexual related as was told to me, but revolved around the feelings of being left out, felling ganged up on (even though it never happened by their own admittance) or feeling like a third wheel in the relationship as a whole.
My guess (since I have no idea of what was really going on with these particular people) is that they had not maintained the necessary relationship work that any relationship (couple, Vee, triad, quad...whatever) requires. Good marriages of two people keep constantly growing in good and getting-ever-better ways; the same needs to be true of poly families too. If people feel they are being left out, "ganged up on," or "like a third wheel," then the first priority would necessarily be improving that poly family's communication skills, because quite obviously: open and transparent communication is not happening somewhere or this situation would not be happening. And even though jealousy might not play a part in the problems you are referring to, the practical steps to deal with jealousy would be applicable here. (Refer to the jealousy chapter in Deborah Anapol's book, Polyamory; these strategies and skills are valuable for any two or more people, including monogamous couples.) Either the people you are referring to don't understand the "work" required (which becomes automatic with time), or they were not doing it. As in any relationship, if you don't tend to that relationship with the needed attention and care, the relationship will be either damaged or destroyed.
passionman1 wrote:
As I read through these forums, what I see is a majority of post by men that mostly aim at the sexual slant of things. While the sexual slant is arguably the lightning rod for them, what I think newbies fail to see is the extremely complex emotional dynamic of multiple love relationships. It is hard enough getting along with one person sometimes, say nothing of two, and when arguments break out as they will between two people, the third person in the relationship finds themselves potentially in the unenviable position of being asked to take sides, or being run to for emotional support which only widens the distance between the two individuals who are arguing. (I believe that was the 'almost undoing' of my friends relationship). Not to mention, putting the one being run to and the other one who is being run away from in diametric positions.
You're describing a "relationship" here that I would characterize as dysfunctional, instead of healthy. The "arguments" which have occurred in my poly relationships have been few, and mostly occur towards the beginnings of each relationship. It is exactly the same process that usually occurs with newly married couples as they form their family. In my life, my S.O. and I do not have arguments. At all. We do get irritated with each other sometimes and this almost invariably means that one or both of us are low on blood sugar, and/or one or both of us are really stressed (by lack of sleep, exhaustion, etc.). What we do when this happens is that the first person to realize what is going on says: "You're low on blood sugar," or "I'm low on blood sugar," and the other person stops, thinks, and says: "You're right. Let me get something to eat [and then we will continue this conversation]."

"Arguments" are not a natural part of healthy relationships, but disagreements are. When my S.O. and I disagree, we each state our positions and then, once we've really listened to what the other person is saying, we begin to modify our stances according to whatever makes the most practical sense. In the case of your friends, it sounds to me like they were in great need of more work on their relating skills.
passionman1 wrote: Another thing I see in some of the posts is the lack of female response regarding their perspective on where they stand in such relationships. To date, most of what I've seen is MFM, so (and I don't mean to leave anyone out because I haven't read every single response on every thread) the only one whom I feel who has addressed any the female response or perspective has been you.
Many of the women on this board are coming from a different place than I am. One of the reasons why the Poly Forum exists on this board is to provide another perspective on alt sexuality for couples-plus-others, most especially committed or bonded couples who hotwife and where the female finds herself falling in love with a sex partner. Polyamory is a way of incorporating the falling (and being) in love dynamic into hotwifing, and I think it is a far better response to this situation than the original couple breaking up or divorcing so the wife/gf can then, serial monogamy style, be with the lover. Poly includes, and this ability to expand (similar to a parent's love as additional children arrive) preserves the existing two-person dyad within an evolving three (or more) person relationship.
passionman1 wrote: So, my next question is, (and other ladies please chime in) what are your feelings regarding the emotional aspects of being the point of the 'V'? Especially after the heat of the relationship has waned, as it most surely will. Do you ever have second thoughts, feel trapped, obligated to pay more attention to one of your partners. If you respond, please be honest, as I know for many of us - me included - it's easier to sometimes give lip service than to come right out and say it.
Right up front: I pick poly partners well--not only for me personally, but also for whoever else is in a poly relationship with me. This is one of my personal priorities: to be a catalyst for compatible potential partners (sexual or not) coming together for the mutual benefit of everyone.

When you say "the heat of the relationship," I assume that you're referring to New Relationship Energy (NRE), which is a biochemical internal shower that does indeed wane, and this does happen in all relationships. But if people are doing this kind of lifestyle effectively, then there is a foundation of love, care, respect, honesty, and support being built underneath the NRE, almost like a sturdy and solid cement block wall being built underneath a transitory wooden scaffolding which will, eventually, be taken down. As the NRE settles down to normal biochemical levels, the foundation underneath the NRE simultaneously grows and becomes more secure. In good two-person relationships, this is one of the prime reasons why they are good over time. The same applies to poly relationships of all kinds.

I have never felt trapped because I have never been trapped in a poly relationship. (I have been trapped in conventional, male/female, monogamous relationships though.)
passionman1 wrote: Although I've never been involved in a poly relationship, I think if I were the point of the 'V' from a FMF relationship, I would (in the beginning) feel a constant need to be vigilant to make sure both my partners felt secure in the situation, that they were fed emotionally and physically. That could get to be trying at times and make me feel like I have no time to just be myself. Logic says that's over-thinking the issue, but the reality is often the opposite case (unless you're a completely selfish person, which will more than likely doom the relationship from the get-go).
Everyone is different, and in good relationships of any kind everyone's differences are taken into consideration. This includes the need for solitude and "being alone" (of which I personally require an inordinate amount of time compared to most people; I am Myers-Briggs INFJ through and through). Sufficient "alone time" is essential for me; without it, I begin to shatter inside. Everyone I've ever been involved with in a live-in relationship knows this about me and has been willing to accommodate my needs on this point. If they weren't, they would not have proceeded into live-in circumstances.

Likewise, on other points, once individual needs are identified, means are developed so everyone is satisfied. This is also something that applies to all good relationships, poly or mono.

For me, and for the relationships I've been in, this need to pay more attention to one particular person (because they're sick, injured, overly stressed, fearful...whatever) is just part of the flow of life. It's no different than a parent paying more attention to one of their children more than the others at a particular point in time because that child needs extra attention or care at that time. Children quickly mature enough to understand that if their sibling is sick, Mom and Dad are going to have to take care of that sick child...but when it is the "left out" person who needs extra attention, then Mom and Dad will take care of them.

At any moment in time there may be inequalities, but in good poly relationships, this should always balance out over time so that most of everyone's needs are being met at any particular moment, and everyone feels that their total needs are being met over whatever the time cycles of that family's life are. It's seldom perfect, but everyone should always feel that, on balance, they are the ones in the most advantageous position in the family. This is what naturally occurs when people look out for each other's welfare (and including themselves in this; martyrs make very poor partners in poly relationships).
passionman1 wrote: So my last question for the time being is this: how much does/did the above situation apply to you in the beginning and how much of the communication between the parties during the beginning of your relationship deal on the intangible feelings that live just below the surface? Because I believe these are the real issues that need to be worked out first as they relate to not only the physical sharing of bodies, but the actual 'living with each other' and all our idiosyncrasies and 'bad' habits (because we all have bad habits).
People evolve into poly relationships. They get to know each other. They get to understand the strengths and the foibles of each other. Exactly as do people who date each other, begin to go together, commit to each other, and then--in many cases--marry each other.

The better the preparation, the better the relationship: in poly, exactly as in monogamy.

mdcucked

Re: Live in lover

Unread post by mdcucked » Mon Feb 23, 2009 2:01 am

Back in the early 1950s, before I was born, an aunt and uncle of mine had a friend living with them. They were in their early 30s then. It was something no one in the family ever talked about. Not very long ago I learned why: the man was my aunt's lover (and, in fact, he was the father of one of my cousins). :)

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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by passionman1 » Mon Feb 23, 2009 2:28 am

Thank you for your time and effort in responding. I shall bear all that has been said (and will be added) should we ever enter into such a relationship. Time to digest all the info now. I still have more questions - but later.
Life is short - live well, love fiercely!

Mia

Re: Live in lover

Unread post by Mia » Thu Feb 26, 2009 7:54 pm

mdcucked wrote: Back in the early 1950s, before I was born, an aunt and uncle of mine had a friend living with them. They were in their early 30s then. It was something no one in the family ever talked about. Not very long ago I learned why: the man was my aunt's lover (and, in fact, he was the father of one of my cousins). :)
This kind of thing has happened throughout Western history, mostly in the upper and lower socio-economic classes. (Middle class is usually the bastion of everyday conservatism, where no innovations in social relating are welcome or, much of the time, even tolerated.)

In addition, from about the 1700s on, recognizable polyamorous relationships begin to be increasingly reported among the creative classes (writers, artists, dancers, poets, composers, etc.).

Some percentage of these were undoubtedly motivated by unacknowledgeable bisexuality within a seemingly conventionally married couple (allowing either or both of the partners to accommodate the bisexuality which existed). Many others, however (which appear to have nothing to do with bisexuality on the part of either partner), were just plain poly by any standard one might care to apply.

Since I am poly, it's fascinating for me to read certain biographies of twentieth-century and earlier famous, important, or powerful people because often their living arrangements (having a "friend" live with the family, etc.) are so clearly poly when seen with today's eyes.

So your aunt and uncle, md, were following in a most distinguished line of historically notable people! :D

mdcucked

Re: Live in lover

Unread post by mdcucked » Fri Feb 27, 2009 3:19 am

Mia wrote:
mdcucked wrote: Back in the early 1950s, before I was born, an aunt and uncle of mine had a friend living with them. They were in their early 30s then. It was something no one in the family ever talked about. Not very long ago I learned why: the man was my aunt's lover (and, in fact, he was the father of one of my cousins). :)


This kind of thing has happened throughout Western history, mostly in the upper and lower socio-economic classes. (Middle class is usually the bastion of everyday conservatism, where no innovations in social relating are welcome or, much of the time, even tolerated.)

In addition, from about the 1700s on, recognizable polyamorous relationships begin to be increasingly reported among the creative classes (writers, artists, dancers, poets, composers, etc.).

Some percentage of these were undoubtedly motivated by unacknowledgeable bisexuality within a seemingly conventionally married couple (allowing either or both of the partners to accommodate the bisexuality which existed). Many others, however (which appear to have nothing to do with bisexuality on the part of either partner), were just plain poly by any standard one might care to apply.

Since I am poly, it's fascinating for me to read certain biographies of twentieth-century and earlier famous, important, or powerful people because often their living arrangements (having a "friend" live with the family, etc.) are so clearly poly when seen with today's eyes.

So your aunt and uncle, md, were following in a most distinguished line of historically notable people! :D


Interesting you say that. At the time my uncle was an english professor and my aunt an architect (at a time when there weren't many women in the field). They always had a reputation of being the bright lights in a family with more than a few dim bulbs.

Though my wife and I never spoke about our marriage with them (as far as they know we don't know about their history) it would be interesting to hear their perspective. In any case, it's still great to see an example of a warm, loving -- and very long lasting -- marriage in which my aunt, like my wife, had the freedom to explore relationships with other men. Clearly the fact that my aunt had another man's baby wasn't any deal-breaker for them.

I, too, really enjoy learning about distinguished couples who made room for one or both spouses having lovers. When I was much younger I read the book Portrait of a Marriage. It was a time when I was just getting in touch with my own bisexuality and it was wonderful to read about a marriage of two intellectuals, both bi, who made room for each other to carry on same-sex relationships. Obviously, the fact that my wife sees other men outside of me is an enormous turn on, but I also like feeling a bit of a connection with a tradition of more open marriages that predates me.
.

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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by hwc » Mon May 25, 2009 2:15 pm

Far be it from me to put words into Wingman's mouth, but since he has already mentioned it (twice!), I would also like to know if anyone can direct us to in depth stories on the lines of this subject?, i.e., A couple taking having someone live with them, who becomes her lover.

Personally, I would also like to know of any stories (true or fiction) that involve a wife pretending to be single, with her hubby's encouragment, and having a boyfriend/live in lover.

Hwc

Mia

Re: Live in lover

Unread post by Mia » Tue May 26, 2009 1:44 am

hwc wrote: Far be it from me to put words into Wingman's mouth, but since he has already mentioned it (twice!), I would also like to know if anyone can direct us to in depth stories on the lines of this subject?, i.e., A couple taking having someone live with them, who becomes her lover.
I don't know of any fiction or non-fiction stories written about this, but over the years I have known many people who have had these kinds of relationships (where a housemate living with a couple becomes a lover)...but as I think about it, most all of them that I know of personally have had the third person being a male. I do know of another similar situation where the housemate was a female, but I've not yet met these people in person.

The male-third-person-evolving-from-housemate-to-lover is fairly common, at least in Southern California, and often begins for practical reasons (the new male is a college student seeking an economical place to live, and often agrees to do a certain amount of child care, etc. in exchange for a substantially reduced "fair market" rent, etc.). As the new person makes the natural transition into a quasi-family relationship, often feelings are sparked between the wife and him. (Could also be the husband, too, of course--though I'm not personally aware of any of these relationships, though I'm certain they exist.)
hwc wrote:
Personally, I would also like to know of any stories (true or fiction) that involve a wife pretending to be single, with her hubby's encouragment, and having a boyfriend/live in lover.
From my personal viewpoint, I am extremely uncomfortable with "pretending"--most especially in the context of what is supposed to be a poly relationship. Poly relationships (in contrast to cheating relationships) are supposed to be about honesty, transparency, caring for each other's welfare, justified trust, safety and security for everyone, and love (or genuine affection, at the very least).

If the wife pretends to be single, and the husband agrees to be a part of this, then both of them are using the unsuspecting third person, and this is pretty much the antithesis of polyamory. I know these kinds of relationships do exist and that many people are comfortable with them but I am not, and I'm pretty sure that most poly people would be loath to participate in this kind of situation.

The third (fourth, etc.) person in a poly relationship has every right to expect the same level of respect and decency as any of the other parties.

Sorry, hwc. I think this part of your post would have been more appropriate on a forum other than the Poly Forum. ;)

wingman
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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by wingman » Tue Jun 02, 2009 9:18 pm

hwc wrote:Far be it from me to put words into Wingman's mouth, but since he has already mentioned it (twice!), I would also like to know if anyone can direct us to in depth stories on the lines of this subject?, i.e., A couple taking having someone live with them, who becomes her lover.

Personally, I would also like to know of any stories (true or fiction) that involve a wife pretending to be single, with her hubby's encouragment, and having a boyfriend/live in lover.

Hwc
Hwc - No worries about putting words into my mouth. While I enjoy the philisophical discussion about a live in who becomes a lover, I started this thread hoping for a more tangible, and detailed, example.

As to your other wish...while I agree that the "pretending to be single" thing belongs on another thread, its still an awsome idea (have a story to that effect, pop me an email and I'll attach it in the reply).
Wingman
I've got her back, he's got her front.

atl50fun
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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by atl50fun » Sat Jun 13, 2009 3:38 am

We (a triad that does not currently live together due to children/divorce issues) are very interested in living in a group setting with other poly people as we approach our senior years. We have bdsm interests, but this does not rule our lives and we consider ourselves to be multi-faceted productive people. We think that it would be great to live in a large comfortable home with other people that share our interests and passions. We see our evenings and days being filled with activities that are enjoyable, dinners with good conversations, and the ability to play games (bridge) and have other types of fun. The opportunity to enjoy a sexual and relationship variety would be an added plus and could lead to a lot of fun. My gals say they would like to find a young man who may enjoy helping out around the house in a lot of different ways - especially if he was a Dominant Bull in training!

We simply think that this would be a great way to spend our golden years enjoying the good life.

hwc
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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by hwc » Mon Aug 24, 2009 1:24 pm

Having noticed this thread for the first time in a couple of months, I realise that "pretending to be single" was not the correct sense I was trying to convey. More accurately, I would be interested in stories of Husbands who encourage their wife to "act" as if she were single, free to date whom she pleases, including having a proper boyfriend and full-blown relationship.

Sorry for the confusion!

halfhardcuck
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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by halfhardcuck » Tue Sep 15, 2009 12:40 pm

hi,

I hope this thread keeps going! Both my girlfriend and I are very intersted in it, both on the practical tips and the advice given, but also, like Wingman, we would love to read the experiences of people who have really done it (apart from Mia, who has already shared her story), and are happy to let the rest of us know all about it.

Is one of the men more dominant? Is oen more submissive? Does one get most of the sex? Does she sleep with one and only have sex with the other? Are two of the the real couple in terms of sharing their life, and the other more a visitor? OR at some point does the other man also become her life partner?

A is very interested in having either "2 husbands" or, more recently, a wife and a husband. So we would like ot read of any situations like this.

Any such real life expreinces would be greatly appreciated!

We are really curious!!!

R_and_B
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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by R_and_B » Wed Sep 16, 2009 3:07 pm

Since the issue of 'famous' triads is not emphasized in the responses so far, I immediately thought of the Hon. Bertrand Russell. I can't provide a reference - and have NOT read his autobiography, so this may be an erroneous tidbit that my fermenting memory has cooked up.

But as an added note, his book "Marriage & Morals" from 1929 promoted sexual freedom prior to having children. (- and why not after - assuming the children are cared for?)

Wikipedia says:

"Today, Marriage and Morals is considered a classical precedent to the philosophy of polyamory."

Not sure one can look there for advice though - he was married 4 times.

rocker5969
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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by rocker5969 » Fri Oct 02, 2009 10:08 pm

this probably doesn't count as poly because of the dynamics of the relationship, but my best friend had been fucking my wife for 3 or 4 years when he needed a place to stay for 5 months. he moved into our basement bedroom, but of course spent most nights in our bed taking turns with me fucking my wife.

we would get our kids to sleep and then after relaxing for a while he would come to bed with us. usually we would threesome her up for a while as foreplay usually oral on her until she would be begging us to fuck her. than it was tagteam my wife time. after pleasuring her for hours. we would crash until the alarm went off to start getting the kids up. he would go downstairs until it was time for him to go to work.

for those 5 months my wife was getting royally fucked for 3 or so hours nightly. needless to say she was pretty easy to get along with during that time.

the relationship never went beyond him being our friend. my wife never developed deeper feelings for him than the friendship she had with him. he never tried to be more than what he was - a lucky guy who got to fuck a smoking hot, horney chick on a regular basis.

wingman
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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by wingman » Sun Feb 21, 2010 9:54 am

Want to resurface this thread. Does anyone have accounts, or know of stories with this theme, of where the wife finds a lover, falls in love, then moves the lover into the house (perhaps moving her husband to a different bedroom).

I always like to read about the progression from meeting to establishing a single household.

Personal accounts, and pointers to on-topic stories greatly appreciated.
Wingman
I've got her back, he's got her front.

halfhardcuck
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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by halfhardcuck » Wed Apr 28, 2010 3:09 am

I just want to second what wingman said!

My wife and I would really like to read TRUE accoutns from people who have had such experience, in whcih the hub is sort of "phased out" and put into a separate room, though in the same house, while the wife takes another man as her lover. THere is still a relationship between hub and wife, but the focus is on her and her new lover. HAs anyone ever really had this happen???? How did it work out???

usinmiami1
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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by usinmiami1 » Sun Nov 21, 2010 11:36 am

Hi to all from South Florida:

We are new to this forum but not new to the lifestyle. We did the swinger thing, MFM, for a while but found it lacking in substance and high in less than honest males. We finally met a man, V, around our age, 37 her (Y) and 57 him (A). We all hit it off very well in a vanilla way. After a month or so the friendship turned sexual as well. He started spending weekends over and she would spends weekends at his place. Ultimately it was a 50% time with each of us.

V and Y went out and did things as a couple. We did sleep in the same bed at times. This went on for almost two years. Unfortunately he had a major issue, the death of his daughter, and he had to take in his grandchildren and the relationship ended.

We are now trying to find a third for our family. Unfortunately, as I mentioned, there are a lot of guys who say one thing, knowing and meaning something else. Does anyone have any thoughts on how to find someone?

Y & A :?:

ucaneffher
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Re: Live in lover

Unread post by ucaneffher » Sun Nov 21, 2010 5:51 pm

wingman wrote:I was interested in several stories I read here, and on other discussion boards, about a situation where the wife's lover moved in (sometimes into the master bedroom, and other into the spare room). I found the most tantilizing for me were the ones where a friend/boarder moved in and became a lover.

Has anyone here had such an experience, or read about one that they care to share the location of??

A little late to add my portion but here goes.

We've talked a lot about us having a place where a roomate can live with us and let things develop from there... sort of letting things happen naturally. Just do things unplanned such as watching TV on the couch as friends, everyone just in their comfortable clothes at home, ordering in and joking around.

The thought of letting things progress and slowly expose more and more such as her going from say pant-pajamas and tank tops to little shorts to boy shorts or seeing her go from getting dressed in the bathroom in the morning to just seeing her walked out with nothing but a towel wrapped around her body. For me its those little things that fascinate me, seeing her become more revealing and sexual around him but so subtly and slowly that it feels super natural for everyone. Once he's been accustomed to seeing her like that and everyone is comfortable with that level, she can slowly spend more time at home with him while I'm out with clients. The thought of coming home and seeing the two on the couch watching TV next to each other and seeing her wearing a cute pair or little shorts and innocently smiling just gets to me.

While we did talk about that many times and years ago, we never tried it. However she did end up getting her own place and settling down with her boyfriend while I stayed here alone. It was super sexy seeing her starting a new life with someone else!

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