Wife Wants Temporary Exclusivity With Boyfriend

[ConfusedHubby65]

My (56M) wife (33F) "Gina" and I, married 11 years, just recently opened up our marriage at Gina's request so she could pursue a relationship with a man ("Bill") she developed a crush on. I am mono, so we decided this would be one-sided poly for Gina only. I was hesitant at first, but decided that this may be good for our marriage since, though our sex if great, Gina's desired frequency for sex is much greater than mine.

After Gina's relationship with Bill turned sexual, about a month ago, she's been head-over-heels for him, classic NRE from what I've read here. Their relationship isn't just sexual, she loves doing other things with him, like dancing, and has expressed that she is feeling a deep emotional bond with him.

I recently noticed that when we make love, Gina seems a bit distant, At first she denied this, and expressed her unchanging love for me. However, last night Gina admitted that she is so infatuated with Bill, she's finding it difficult to feel as passionate with me, for the time being. She then hit me with a shocker: Gina asked me if it would be okay if she remains sexually exclusive to Bill for a short period (she suggested 2 months) to allow her to "bond" with Bill and let the NRE pass.

I have no doubts about Gina's sincerity when she says she loves me and wants me always to be her life partner. And, for me, stepping aside sexually for 2 months wouldn't be an extreme hardship per se, since I am happy with sex maybe once every week or two anyway (as opposed to Gina, who likes it almost daily, if possible). My only fear is that by putting our sexual relationship on hold, Gina may "bond" with Bill more than even she intends, and I might be pushed away indefinitely.

Has anyone had a similar situation as this? If so, how did things work out?

[armyguyot1]

Welcome to the forum ConfusedHubby65. Pretty dangerous ground you are standing on. You won her over once, you need to do it again. Bill is new and younger and she will get tired of him or at least not as hot for him as right now but you need to show her you want her and get in there and win her. Take her to Vegas and fuck her brains out. Tell her she is beautiful and sexy. Are you forgetting to do that now?

[parklife]

You’ve said already she’s developed a deep emotional bond, so the need for two months of time ‘to bond’ seems off. You also mentioned one of the main reasons was a need to satiate her sexual appetite for frequency and explore a crush she had. One doesn’t necessarily need a ‘deep emotional bond’ for that. And while NRE can certainly fade, I’m not so sure giving into it solely for two months is what helps it fade. Being intimate and bonded with you is what helps her realize her crush is great to have around but can’t replace what she has with you.

And not to be ageist, but if I’m reading correctly, you married her at 22. People change a LOT from their early 20s to mid-30s and she may be growing out of your relationship and using this to safely test the waters of someone her own age and life experiences. She seems to be at a time where going out or dating are fun (and making up for perceived lost time) while you may be at a point in life that is settling down.

[SSQ]

That's a big warning sign. Most times people have NRE spillover and it translates into positive benefits for the nesting relationship as well.

She needs to get her feet on the ground and realize that a relationship needs to be fed and cared for. She cannot just put you on the back burner for months to indulge in her fantasy. That's actively harmful to your relationship.

Additionally, NRE is unlikely to pass in just a couple of months. In a normal relationship it is 6 months to 2 years. In a "fantasy" bubble type of relationship with all the fun of dating and no responsibility? It can last much longer.

Aside from the sexual issues, I think you need to have a long conversation with her about how NRE is not an excuse to neglect an existing relationship, period. She can enjoy the brain chemicals and highs all she wants but she needs to be putting emotional effort into your relationship as well. This is a classic sign of someone who doesn't know how to balance priorities in multiple relationships and she needs to learn those skills or there will be trouble down the road one way or another.

[JeffBingham]

Please listen to SSQ. Many of us consider her to be our resident expert on true poly relationships. Bonding sexually exclusive with Bill will not dissipate the NRE, it will intensify it!

And for what it's worth, I have no doubt she totally means it when she says she loves you and wants to be with you forever. She still feels that way right now. But that doesn't mean she will always feel that way... You are in very dangerous territory here.

[ugcp]

I think SSQ's take is correct here.

I will also add that many people THINK they are poly, but in reality they aren't, or aren't as much as they had expected. A good sign of this is when they start to indulge more in a new romantic relationship, it causes them to withdraw from another. This effect can be completely unconscious... they don't realize they are doing it. But they become less affectionate, less intimate, and less passionate in their old relationship. I am concerned this is what is happening here- the wife is pausing one monogamous relationship to focus on another monogamous relationship. As SSQ describes, truly poly people are more likely to have an overall enhancement of desire. They may lose some time and energy with the existing relationship as they indulge NRE with the new one, but they don't consciously WANT to reduce the connection with the existing relationship(s). And when they sometimes realize this has happened due to the blinding effect of NRE, they regret it and want to correct it quickly.

Of course kink factors can be in play which may change things with all this (intentional denial, etc), but otherwise I think this is a bad sign and something to be concerned about.

[PANTIES]

SSQ is always spot on, in this case she is absolutely correct. You are asking for a huge issue down the road.

Pauline

[R_H_NC]

I see a lot of similarities between this thread and "Needing advice for a decision" but some commenting here didn't on that thread. Of course, it might have been missed as it was in another forum. Just curious.

[ugcp]

I see a lot of similarities between this thread and "Needing advice for a decision" but some commenting here didn't on that thread. Of course, it might have been missed as it was in another forum. Just curious.

This is a poly forum, so I assume that posts here are in the context of a poly relationship dynamic. The other thread you mention was in the cuckold forum, and cuckolding often denotes a degree of female domination, male denial, and generally more "extreme" proclivities (IMO at least). Advice I might give here is applicable for building a functional poly relationship, where as the same advice may not be applicable over there since the dynamic can be completely different.

Imagine someone posting a thread "I want to choke my wife"; that would produce very different responses between a BDSM forum and a Surviving Domestic Abuse forum!

[CurvyNerdMILF]

That other thread was totally different. That husband isn’t being neglected. Their sexual connection is just changing its form.

[Sharedherlots]

Wow that’s a rough spot because she asked you and by saying no it’s not like you’re totally out of the woods. She may just do it anyway or if not, just be in a bad mood and even more distant. However, in my opinion it’s an even bigger disaster if you step aside for a couple months and let her do her thing. I don’t envy your spot and I hope you two make it through this ok. For whatever it’s worth I would absolutely never allow my wife to do this nor would I even let her see the same person to the point she’d ask for something like this. Good luck!

[JMNBABE]

My wife has long term relationships, her latest lasted 11 years (COVID has pretty much destroyed it), and she develops emotjional feelings for her Lovers too. At one point during her current relationship with her Boss/Lover, she came home from a 3 day business trip that they extended a week and announced that her Boss/Lover had asked her if she could arrange to be totally exclusive to him only sexually....AND that she had agreed without even talking to me!!

I wasn't real happy with that decision, but after talking to her and realizing how important it ws to her, as usual I relinquished and agreed to give it a try. We tried absolutely NO even remotely sexual contact between us.....no kissing, hugging, hand holding, snuggling in bed, she even started wearing pj's to bed (we had slept nude since we first met). She wouyldn't even share with me much of her relationship with him, and refused to jerk me off as she had been doing prior (with a condom on of course). We made it just about 3 months.....and I was SICK of that.

Sat her down and told her that if this was what she wanted, she'd have to do it without me period......either I was going to engage in relationships outside the marriage, or I was out of the marriage. She has NEVER even considered allowing me to be sexual outside the marriage, and neither of us really wanted to break up the marriage (we have one Son together). Her relationship with her Boss/Lover can never come "out of the closet", it would be devestating for the company, so there is no future there anyway. So we hammered out a compromise.......

We would go back to how things were before her affair, with the exception that intercourse would be almost exclusive to him, and on those occasions we did engage in that, I would wear a condom (or two) to assure she remained exclusive to him in that manner....only his sperm was ever inside of her or touched her body. They had been bareback since their first encounter and were currently trying to get her pregnant, so this compromise accomplished everything they wanted and kept the marriage in tact, which was also helpful at keeping their affair totally secret at work also.

I have to admit, it really wasn't (isn't) bad at all......I probably cum more frequently than most guys (with another woman, not counting jerking off) as she jerks me off a couple times a week (in a condom) while telling me about their latest trysts together (yusually 2-3 times a wek "working late" and no one questions it including his wife), I don't have to worry about satisfying her sexually from intercourse (never was real good at it anyway) as she gets plenty of that from her Boss/Lover, and when she is in the mood she'll put 1 or two condoms on me (2 if she's really being mean and wants to make it harder for me to feel her wetness) and I get to put it in for the 1-2 minutes I last and cum that way. That is usually fewer than fingers on your hand annually....but like I said, I really don't miss it much. I always hated cumming too quickly and wondering if she faked it or did she actually cum....that stress is gone this way.

I have to take viagra to get hard for intercourse because I get so stressed over my performance, but when being jerked off I am ROCK HARD listening to her recountenance of her night with her Boss/Lover and don't need viagra at all. Stuff gives me a MASSIVE headache the next day anyway!!

COVID has changed a lot of those parameters....I have been the only sexual outlet for her since March last year so both the frequency has increased and the stress level has decreased for me too. Still condom only. that is unlikely to change.

So the situation CAN work out.....it doesn't mean the end of your relationship as everyone warns although it could be. ONly way ton know that is to let it play itself out and see where it goes. Telling her she CAN'T do this won't negate that possibility, it will only force her hand earlier and quite possible guarantee the end of the relationship.

Would be interesting to hear how its gone/goes, but like most quesitons like this that involve the wife having emotional feelings for her Lover, the naysayers usually FLAME the OP out of possting agian, or out of the group entirely.

CW

[R_H_NC]

That other thread was totally different. That husband isn’t being neglected. Their sexual connection is just changing its form.

I don't see it as being 'totally different' as I view being denied PIV as neglect. Of course, everyone views situations through their own filters and granted the husband decided to accept the situation for whatever reasons his internal process developed.

I suppose more to the point (with regard to the comments here vs there) is the different forums (cuckold vs poly).

[R_H_NC]

While I agree that there are posters whose comments would fit the usual definition of 'flaming', I think we should refrain from characterizing any comment which expresses concern and/or advice contrary to an OP's actions (actual or contemplated) as being a 'flame'. As long as the comments are presented in a non-insulting way and are cogent and relevant, that simply isn’t flaming a thread. There are many OHW members who have been severely burned by the lifestyle as evidenced by many of the threads on all the forums. All can possibly benefit from hearing of their experiences and weighing them against what an OP is going through and their specific relationship.

[mundyman]

I would agree with those who advocate to tread lightly if you enter into a non sexual relationship with your wife.
It just seems pretty basic that you have to have something that maintains the connection and intimacy between you two, that is agreeable to you both.
She can’t make all the decisions and expect you to be happy with them if they don’t fulfill your needs.
Some in this forum get off on being denied because that is their kink, and denial pushes their buttons. However there are still things the wife does to fulfill the husbands desires and that is their intimacy and connection.
Others on here may not have intercourse with their wives but are given release in other ways, handjobs, blowjobs, having the wife recount her activities while the husband masturbates, etc.
I don’t think anyone is flaming the poster, rather I think there is a collective recognition that the wife is awash in strong NRE, and that the husband needs to make sure he clearly voices his concerns and has a clear direct conversations with his wife to make her hotwife relationsip work for both of them.
Good luck Confused and please let us know how it’s going.

[ConfusedHubby65]

Thank you for everyone’s input. I told Gina that we could take this on a day-to-day basis. I’ll take a “backseat” sexually for now, but made it clear that I couldn’t handle a platonic marriage in the long term. To me, sexual desire and love are intermingled, so if Gina’s desire for me waned for any length of time, I would assume she doesn’t love me as a husband. I certainly don’t want Gina to simply concede to having regular sex with me. Either she fully desires me, or I want nothing to do with it. I have no problem if Gina truly loves and sexually desires both Bill and I.

[armyguyot1]

We take trips where we pay attention to one another. We go places like Key West, Las Vegas, and Palm Springs. Those work as a revival and reconnection for us. Sometimes you have to get out of the forest to observe the trees.

[Suchen Zucker]

Thank you for everyone’s input. I told Gina that we could take this on a day-to-day basis. I’ll take a “backseat” sexually for now, but made it clear that I couldn’t handle a platonic marriage in the long term. To me, sexual desire and love are intermingled, so if Gina’s desire for me waned for any length of time, I would assume she doesn’t love me as a husband. I certainly don’t want Gina to simply concede to having regular sex with me. Either she fully desires me, or I want nothing to do with it. I have no problem if Gina truly loves and sexually desires both Bill and I.

Did you specifically relate this thought to her and if so, How did she respond when you said it?
To me, those words mean you are having real doubts about her level of commitment to you. What she does now will say a lot about your marriage going forward.

[CurvyNerdMILF]

I think that we’re getting now to a substantive point—if one partner’s love language, so to speak, is sex and physical affection, then it’s really important not to deny that person sexually. That partner should advocate for their own needs in the relationship, which might not be understood by their partner or the outside lover.

[anonymister1948]

Thank you for everyone’s input. I told Gina that we could take this on a day-to-day basis. I’ll take a “backseat” sexually for now, but made it clear that I couldn’t handle a platonic marriage in the long term. To me, sexual desire and love are intermingled, so if Gina’s desire for me waned for any length of time, I would assume she doesn’t love me as a husband. I certainly don’t want Gina to simply concede to having regular sex with me. Either she fully desires me, or I want nothing to do with it. I have no problem if Gina truly loves and sexually desires both Bill and I.

Half measures result in half results. Kick the can down the road. Her desire for you has already waned for long enough that you've felt it. It's what precipitated the discussion.

[Christinebitg]

I have no doubts about Gina's sincerity when she says she loves me and wants me always to be her life partner. And, for me, stepping aside sexually for 2 months wouldn't be an extreme hardship per se, since I am happy with sex maybe once every week or two anyway (as opposed to Gina, who likes it almost daily, if possible). My only fear is that by putting our sexual relationship on hold, Gina may "bond" with Bill more than even she intends, and I might be pushed away indefinitely.

After reading the replies posted and your update, I have some thoughts on this.

Only you can decide what is right for you. In saying that, I would suggest that some commenters have a limited vision of what poly means. They've expressed where they themselves are at on it. But they don't see how anyone else could have a different definition of polyamory than what theirs is.

Personally, I think that your wife's request is a reasonable one, particularly since she put a time limit on it, and because she recognized that New Relationship Energy is having its effect.

I also think that your response, asking to take things day by day was quite reasonable. It has the plus in it for you that you're not locked into the two month length of time. It has the negative that having a defined length of time would have allowed her to throw herself more fully into their relationship, and potentially having their relationship burn itself out.

I completely discount the suggestion that you should try to "win her back." After the length of time the two of you have been together, she knows you well. Any effort you put into that "winning" would not be sustainable, and could easily be viewed by her as being phoney, insicere, and (again) not sustainable in her mind.

I hope things turn out well for you. She sounds like a very special person on many levels. (And you too, I suspect.)

[R_H_NC]

I have no doubts about Gina's sincerity when she says she loves me and wants me always to be her life partner. And, for me, stepping aside sexually for 2 months wouldn't be an extreme hardship per se, since I am happy with sex maybe once every week or two anyway (as opposed to Gina, who likes it almost daily, if possible). My only fear is that by putting our sexual relationship on hold, Gina may "bond" with Bill more than even she intends, and I might be pushed away indefinitely.

After reading the replies posted and your update, I have some thoughts on this.

Only you can decide what is right for you. In saying that, I would suggest that some commenters have a limited vision of what poly means. They've expressed where they themselves are at on it. But they don't see how anyone else could have a different definition of polyamory than what theirs is.

Personally, I think that your wife's request is a reasonable one, particularly since she put a time limit on it, and because she recognized that New Relationship Energy is having its effect.

I also think that your response, asking to take things day by day was quite reasonable. It has the plus in it for you that you're not locked into the two month length of time. It has the negative that having a defined length of time would have allowed her to throw herself more fully into their relationship, and potentially having their relationship burn itself out.

I completely discount the suggestion that you should try to "win her back." After the length of time the two of you have been together, she knows you well. Any effort you put into that "winning" would not be sustainable, and could easily be viewed by her as being phoney, insicere, and (again) not sustainable in her mind.

I hope things turn out well for you. She sounds like a very special person on many levels. (And you too, I suspect.)

I have to say that I am one who has a limited vision of a poly relationship. As such, I can't really say that anything you said doesn't seem reasonable, except................... couldn't this situation instead of " a defined length of time would have allowed her to throw herself more fully into their relationship, and potentially having their relationship burn itself out..." result in the exact opposite and allow the relationship with her BF/Lover to develop to the point that it eclipses the primary relationship of her marriage?

[bradisalpha]

Thank you for everyone’s input. I told Gina that we could take this on a day-to-day basis. I’ll take a “backseat” sexually for now, but made it clear that I couldn’t handle a platonic marriage in the long term. To me, sexual desire and love are intermingled, so if Gina’s desire for me waned for any length of time, I would assume she doesn’t love me as a husband. I certainly don’t want Gina to simply concede to having regular sex with me. Either she fully desires me, or I want nothing to do with it. I have no problem if Gina truly loves and sexually desires both Bill and I.

What was her reply to this ??

Brad

[BBCfan]

My last serious relationship before wife was poly. She made a similar request to her husband concerning me and it was just a matter of time till it was completely over for them. He saw the writing on the wall and moved on.

It's likely over for you too as you're not really poly...she's decided to pursue another partner and you allowed her to and they most likely will be moving forward without you. I hope I'm wrong for your sake but I would put money on the other outcome in a betting scenario.

I feel for you but there will be someone better suited for you in the future.

I may be completely wrong as I forgot one element that is crucial. Money... Is she financially dependent on you and if so can he provide a similar lifestyle. If she is dependent on you and he can't provide similar lifestyle you're probably safe.

[afagehi7]

My last serious relationship before wife was poly. She made a similar request to her husband concerning me and it was just a matter of time till it was completely over for them. He saw the writing on the wall and moved on.

It's likely over for you too as you're not really poly...she's decided to pursue another partner and you allowed her to and they most likely will be moving forward without you. I hope I'm wrong for your sake but I would put money on the other outcome in a betting scenario.

I feel for you but there will be someone better suited for you in the future.

I may be completely wrong as I forgot one element that is crucial. Money... Is she financially dependent on you and if so can he provide a similar lifestyle. If she is dependent on you and he can't provide similar lifestyle you're probably safe.

Why would you want her to stay if that's the reason?