Cognitive Complications

[snoogaloo82]

It's disappointing whenever a woman is denied sex by an ailing husband who cannot perform, yet at the same time she has an overwhelming need for sex. Some claim only food, shelter, and clothing are life's "real" needs. But common sense should tell anyone that sex is a necessity for most, to maintain emotional stability among other reasons.

My wife and I have sex, but I realize monogamy isn't for her. Marital sex for many becomes routine, sometimes even boring, for the woman who lives with the same man day after day. She has the freedom to date whoever, whenever, and wherever she wishes another man to fuck her. If I had the power to deny that to her, I feel it would be a form of sex slavery.

~ Des

I feel the same way. It would be a shame for me to deny my sweetie the comfort for others if she is desiring. all that matters is her happiness!

[trecital]

I agree!!!

[little sissy Benita]

Not easy to give an answer.
I think it depends on how advanced the dementia is.
Why did he change his mind?
I have bipolar disorder and PTSD - have been stable for several years - through medication and changes in the relationship.
Can medication help to at least suppress dementia to some extent?
I could imagine that he might be afraid of loss?
Some dementia sufferers also have a long history in their past - I don't know to what extent this applies to him.

What would I do? Maybe it could be good if you and the woman spend time with him - show him that he is important and belongs - ignoring him and perhaps meeting secretly etc. would, in my opinion, only increase the rejection

little Benita

[RetiredSnowbird]

I had a couple living across the street from me who were in their late 60s to early 70s. He developed a particularly aggressive form of Alzheimer’s and in less than a year was placed in a long-term care facility, not even recognizing his wife. She discretely approached me about having an affair to take care of her sexual needs. Ultimately I decided not to do anything with her as she was living too close for me to be comfortable, was not discrete in other matters and I politely declined. Anyway the point of all this is that she asked her priest what she should do. Knowing the condition of her husband, he told her that the man she is/was married to is now basically just an empty shell and said that she she not feel guilty about taking care of her sexual needs.

At some point the so-called “contract” between your couple will be dissolved. But in most cases involving a husband and wife, if one of them wants out then the open marriage/hot wife contract should be dissolved and the usual marriage assumptions of exclusivity and loyalty should be observed. IMHO as long as he is still cognizant of what you and his wife have done in the past, then you should hold off having sex with her.

[WatchinginNJ]

I am so sorry. Strictly on the topic of consent, my vote would be that since mental health conditions tend to remove our ability to give informed consent, that dementia would be a withdrawal of consent regardless of what he actually says.

I don't envy any of you this situation; I've seen so many friends and relatives deal with caregiver burnout. I wish you all the best.

It's an interesting dilemma for sure. Obviously it's an easy case to argue that the person with dementia can't give informed consent anymore. But the really interesting question comes from the fact that the mutual framework of the relationship is no longer mutual.

If we take the theoretical situation, where say someone's partner is on vegetative life support, and their living will stipulates they stay alive, is consent needed any more to engage in sex outside the relationship? That's the extreme of course. But somewhere there's a line.

I would think in OP's case, considering the inevitable outcome of dementia, that the wife could take the Dan Savage approach, "Do what you need to keep yourself sane" is perfectly fine in this case. I don't even think it's an ethical dilemma.

Can you still be ethically non-monogamous when the other partner lacks self awareness?