Seeking casual advice on a tough nut to crack

[ggg7777]

As stated in the title… Naturally my wife says “not going to happen,” but I think she’s capable under the right circumstances.

There are many reasons she’s a special challenge - some are just part of who she is, and others grew out of our having kids and me being too eager for many years, which led to her developing a lot of aversions. I am definitely able to play the long game, and I’ve proven that to myself by getting us back into a decent sex life, which continues to be a very rewarding challenge. We’ve been married >25 years and I know her very well, so I have a good idea about what I can overcome with her. It all requires being very chill and patient and having things be her idea.

But this kink is so goddamn strong it’s hard to play it cool.

Here are my challenges:

- She doesn’t like to talk about sex. She doesn’t hide her emotions well and usually looks disgusted when I bring up anything that’s not vanilla during conversation. She wasn’t always this way and it’s the main thing I’m working on right now. I know communication is the main aspect of a healthy hotwife situation.
- She will not play with me at all in terms of talking about other men. She claims to have no spontaneous libido and doesn’t think about sex unless we’re doing it, therefore she doesn’t ever notice other men. I guess I believe that, or at least I think she believes it. She does initiate sex with me 1-2 times a week.
- She won’t do role play. She genuinely appears to hate it.
- She will not drink alcohol or use substances, so it’s near impossible to lower her sexual inhibitions until we are hot-and-heavy into it.
- She won’t do dirty talk at all during sex. She can be literally writhing in ecstasy and the most I can get is a “yeah!” She has always been that way. Since having kids she is completely silent during orgasm and I only know from her body if it’s going to happen.
- She has anxiety with social situations and strangers. She doesn’t flirt with strangers ever as far as I know. I’ve noticed she will return a smile when she gets them from black men, but it’s only with her mouth and not her eyes, if that makes sense. I don’t know what underlies that.
- She won’t post anything on the internet. I’m very, very carefully trying to work the dating app route on her. I have probably never been so careful about something.
- She doesn’t allow me to take pictures (we did this once with polaroids before kids and she hated them, so that ended it). I’m thinking this is going to be my ultimate obstacle to the previous point.
- She dresses very modestly (picture a librarian in autumn, but year-round) even though her body is amazing, and she doesn’t seem to like strangers looking at her. I think that’s real. She seems upset or negatively flustered if I say someone is checking her out. Yes there is some trauma behind that, but it’s like a few cases of mild stalking and a peeping tom, and not some horrible rape. I know that sounds terrible, I’m sorry and I don’t need lecturing about how insensitive I am. There have been glimmers of hope - she does get positively flattered sometimes when I compliment her, and it has at times affected what clothes she buys, but if I go too gaga over something she’ll stop wearing it. She doesn’t do lingerie.
- She doesn’t like clubs or dancing. We have tried a few times over the years including lately and she gets nothing from it.

Other glimmers of hope:
- She is still capable of going crazy in bed and we have a lot of fun. She’ll let me do about anything once we’re worked up.
- She’s into receiving some of the physical aspects of bdsm
- I confessed the hotwife kink few months ago when we were both in the heat of the moment and she played along a bit, then I pushed too hard right away and that was the end of that. While she was doing things to me I had asked her to describe how she would flirt with a stranger in a hot tub, and her answer was way too vanilla for my horny mind at that moment. I blew it on that one! Even though she won’t play, she does get an amused smile when hotwifing comes up “organically,” which is an incredible turn on for me. I have started trying a subtle reward thing whenever she reacts in any sort of non-negative way. For now I’m using a non-sexual kiss. We’ll see which direction that goes.
- I have asked her a couple questions or joked about dating apps when it comes up organically, and she says she would never use one, but at least she doesn’t seem revolted by it. Have to play this one slow.
- I do see her looking at people when we’re out. I don’t know if anything sexual is in her mind when that’s happening. I think usually not, but hopefully sometimes!
- She agreed to play with a dildo so I bought one a couple weeks ago and she reluctantly played with it. Then, the next time we had sex she stopped to go get it! I was ecstatic. She quit after a minute though and when I asked later she said it didn’t do anything for her. I think she might have wanted it in her ass but I didn’t put it in there because I was afraid she wouldn’t suck it again after that. That was selfish of me. I’ll probably do it next time.
- She has brought things up innocently in the past which tell me she might consider scenarios, but only with people we know. I have sent her a couple of my favorite hotwife-themed porn stories, which involve hookups with strangers, and she says “i don’t like the strangers thing.” I think if I had a divorced out-of-town friend like in all the erotica stories it would be great. But I don’t. I really just have work friends that I can’t mix with socially. Nobody we’re close to would even remotely work for this. She is potentially moving back out into doing school and work with the kids grown and I’m hoping for something.

Anyway this is turning into a TLDR scenario so I’ll stop here, answer any questions and hope for wisdom.

[curiouschattycouple]

Take it slow. In my opinion, pitching this is a seduction, like when you were dating. Get the kids out of the way, clean the house, make supper, feed her chocolate, watch a romcom, etc to get her in a receptive mood. It seems like she may be receptive, but it may conflict with her thoughts/beliefs, etc. Women are sensitive to labels to they don't want to admit their darkest thoughts and have their husband think they are a slut or a tramp, even if they know you would like that. You need to reassure and normalize. It all takes time. My wife finally admitted she had fantasies too and she liked the idea. The next step was finding out under what circumstances she would be open to it and months of hot talk ensued. Now we are trying to figure out what her requirements are. I would say it took 5 years to reach this point, but many here have had far quicker transitions and probably have better advice. Last point: communicate, communicate, and communicate. We were recently at a swinger club and a very upset wife and her husband had to leave - he went all in right away and surprised her with a swinger club visit...she had no idea.

[ggg7777]

Thank you I think you’re right. The communication part is tough because she doesn’t like to talk about sex. My two main bear term goals are to get her talking and to get her thinking about sex
outside of our normal context. The hotwife specific stuff is going to stay in my head as much as I can help it until we improve those things. A couple days ago I told her for christmas I want her to ask me 20 questions about sex, as a way to work on those things. It didn’t go over well at first (nothing “new” does with her), but she was ok after a minute.

Does anyone have subtle ways for getting your wife thinking or talking about sex more? She is put off by being too eager.

[SilverStag]

Remember, this isn't for everyone. Sorry

[ggg7777]

Remember, this isn't for everyone. Sorry

You seem experienced on this. Can you say if anything specific tips you off that this is unlikely to pan out?

[2inUPMichigan]

She isn't a challenge she just isn't currently fitting into your plan and that has you frustrated.
It is your responsibility to explain your kink/interest in hotwifing and then it is up to her to decide if this is the right choice for her.
However it appears that based on your description you have a very specific idea of what you think a hotwife should be.

I do not drink or do drugs, I would never flirt with a stranger in a hot tub or anywhere for that matter (I respect other people's relationships and prefer to only play with vetted available partners),
I never once noticed a man in a sexual manner while monogamous, it never occurred to me to even think about men in that context.
I tend to be shy at first until I get to know someone. As most women will tell you safety is important so I purposely avoid eye contact with strangers in public. Besides I have no interest in being the "convenient available women" when some guy us horny, not very flattering really. I would rather have a man get to know me and WANT to seek me out. Besides sex gets better when you learn someone's likes and dislikes. I will never have a one night stand nor play with a man without getting to know him first.

Sorry for rambling on....the point I'm hoping I got to is that many women feel the same as your wife. Some will never be hotwives, some may try it and go back to monogamy, others like me will realize they have uncovered a part of themselves they had unknowingly buried years ago.

My advice?
Let her decide IF she wants to become a hotwife.
Then let her decide what that means to her and have her describe it to you.
You might find that her idea is very different than what you first had in mind.
You may also find it could lead to even more excitement than you ever thought! Reality is very different than fantasy and when that fantasy leaves your head it will never be exactly the same ever again.

Have fun with it, enjoy the sex you are having, then when the subject comes up tell her that if she ever has any questions you are there to help her find answers and talk whenever she wants. Having my husband drop everything to talk with me about concerns showed me he not only cared about his kink but about me and my opinion.

Good luck and keep asking questions/researching!

[snoogaloo82]

As stated in the title… Naturally my wife says “not going to happen,” but I think she’s capable under the right circumstances.

There are many reasons she’s a special challenge - some are just part of who she is, and others grew out of our having kids and me being too eager for many years, which led to her developing a lot of aversions. I am definitely able to play the long game, and I’ve proven that to myself by getting us back into a decent sex life, which continues to be a very rewarding challenge. We’ve been married >25 years and I know her very well, so I have a good idea about what I can overcome with her. It all requires being very chill and patient and having things be her idea.

But this kink is so goddamn strong it’s hard to play it cool.

Here are my challenges:

- She doesn’t like to talk about sex. She doesn’t hide her emotions well and usually looks disgusted when I bring up anything that’s not vanilla during conversation. She wasn’t always this way and it’s the main thing I’m working on right now. I know communication is the main aspect of a healthy hotwife situation.
- She will not play with me at all in terms of talking about other men. She claims to have no spontaneous libido and doesn’t think about sex unless we’re doing it, therefore she doesn’t ever notice other men. I guess I believe that, or at least I think she believes it. She does initiate sex with me 1-2 times a week.
- She won’t do role play. She genuinely appears to hate it.
- She will not drink alcohol or use substances, so it’s near impossible to lower her sexual inhibitions until we are hot-and-heavy into it.
- She won’t do dirty talk at all during sex. She can be literally writhing in ecstasy and the most I can get is a “yeah!” She has always been that way. Since having kids she is completely silent during orgasm and I only know from her body if it’s going to happen.
- She has anxiety with social situations and strangers. She doesn’t flirt with strangers ever as far as I know. I’ve noticed she will return a smile when she gets them from black men, but it’s only with her mouth and not her eyes, if that makes sense. I don’t know what underlies that.
- She won’t post anything on the internet. I’m very, very carefully trying to work the dating app route on her. I have probably never been so careful about something.
- She doesn’t allow me to take pictures (we did this once with polaroids before kids and she hated them, so that ended it). I’m thinking this is going to be my ultimate obstacle to the previous point.
- She dresses very modestly (picture a librarian in autumn, but year-round) even though her body is amazing, and she doesn’t seem to like strangers looking at her. I think that’s real. She seems upset or negatively flustered if I say someone is checking her out. Yes there is some trauma behind that, but it’s like a few cases of mild stalking and a peeping tom, and not some horrible rape. I know that sounds terrible, I’m sorry and I don’t need lecturing about how insensitive I am. There have been glimmers of hope - she does get positively flattered sometimes when I compliment her, and it has at times affected what clothes she buys, but if I go too gaga over something she’ll stop wearing it. She doesn’t do lingerie.
- She doesn’t like clubs or dancing. We have tried a few times over the years including lately and she gets nothing from it.

Other glimmers of hope:
- She is still capable of going crazy in bed and we have a lot of fun. She’ll let me do about anything once we’re worked up.
- She’s into receiving some of the physical aspects of bdsm
- I confessed the hotwife kink few months ago when we were both in the heat of the moment and she played along a bit, then I pushed too hard right away and that was the end of that. While she was doing things to me I had asked her to describe how she would flirt with a stranger in a hot tub, and her answer was way too vanilla for my horny mind at that moment. I blew it on that one! Even though she won’t play, she does get an amused smile when hotwifing comes up “organically,” which is an incredible turn on for me. I have started trying a subtle reward thing whenever she reacts in any sort of non-negative way. For now I’m using a non-sexual kiss. We’ll see which direction that goes.
- I have asked her a couple questions or joked about dating apps when it comes up organically, and she says she would never use one, but at least she doesn’t seem revolted by it. Have to play this one slow.
- I do see her looking at people when we’re out. I don’t know if anything sexual is in her mind when that’s happening. I think usually not, but hopefully sometimes!
- She agreed to play with a dildo so I bought one a couple weeks ago and she reluctantly played with it. Then, the next time we had sex she stopped to go get it! I was ecstatic. She quit after a minute though and when I asked later she said it didn’t do anything for her. I think she might have wanted it in her ass but I didn’t put it in there because I was afraid she wouldn’t suck it again after that. That was selfish of me. I’ll probably do it next time.
- She has brought things up innocently in the past which tell me she might consider scenarios, but only with people we know. I have sent her a couple of my favorite hotwife-themed porn stories, which involve hookups with strangers, and she says “i don’t like the strangers thing.” I think if I had a divorced out-of-town friend like in all the erotica stories it would be great. But I don’t. I really just have work friends that I can’t mix with socially. Nobody we’re close to would even remotely work for this. She is potentially moving back out into doing school and work with the kids grown and I’m hoping for something.

Anyway this is turning into a TLDR scenario so I’ll stop here, answer any questions and hope for wisdom.

Have you ever thought about talking with her straight up husband to wife? Just saying darling I have these fantasies and I would love to explore them with you.

[ggg7777]

She isn't a challenge she just isn't currently fitting into your plan and that has you frustrated…

Thank you, this was helpful.

[ggg7777]

Have you ever thought about talking with her straight up husband to wife? Just saying darling I have these fantasies and I would love to explore them with you.

Yes I have been direct and she hasn’t been enthusiastic. We are new at this though, and it looks like couples can take years according to the posts in this forum. Of course I know it might be never and not for her. But the drive is so very strong. I don’t want to apply tons of pressure at once because I don’t want to upset her about it. I know 2inUP is right that I need to work with what version of this she would want. I’m just working now on getting her to consider it and talk about it over time.

[snoogaloo82]

Have you ever thought about talking with her straight up husband to wife? Just saying darling I have these fantasies and I would love to explore them with you.

Yes I have been direct and she hasn’t been enthusiastic. We are new at this though, and it looks like couples can take years according to the posts in this forum. Of course I know it might be never and not for her. But the drive is so very strong. I don’t want to apply tons of pressure at once because I don’t want to upset her about it. I know 2inUP is right that I need to work with what version of this she would want. I’m just working now on getting her to consider it and talk about it over time.

Yep, 2UPINM is a good resource! I highly respect her ideas and opinions!! definitely go with her. nice to hear that you've given the direct approach a try!!

[curiouschattycouple]

We didn't really open up to each other until we had a long drive. Apparently difficult conversations are best done in an environment where you don't have to look at each other so driving seems good for that. Good luck!

[snoogaloo82]

Have you ever thought about talking with her straight up husband to wife? Just saying darling I have these fantasies and I would love to explore them with you.

Yes I have been direct and she hasn’t been enthusiastic. We are new at this though, and it looks like couples can take years according to the posts in this forum. Of course I know it might be never and not for her. But the drive is so very strong. I don’t want to apply tons of pressure at once because I don’t want to upset her about it. I know 2inUP is right that I need to work with what version of this she would want. I’m just working now on getting her to consider it and talk about it over time.

I got the book The Faithful Hotwife and it's super helpful in finding ways to see if the lifestyle of meant for both of you. They even have ways that don't involve being unfaithful that just might intrigue your lady.

[Gulfcpl]

I’ve said this countless times but this lifestyle isn’t for everyone. If she has no interest, don’t push her. Open communication when not in bed is the key. Sex is like alcohol, when in the heat of the moment or under the influence, we all say and do things we may not normally do. The conversation has to be away from play area. If a couple can’t have an honest conversation about anything in area or circumstance, then this might not be the right thing for either of you. If you push too much and she gives in because of your fantasy, she may be guilt ridden. On the other hand and to balance it out, she may absolutely love it. Usually after a woman loves it, there is no turning back. Good luck to you.

[snoogaloo82]

I’ve said this countless times but this lifestyle isn’t for everyone. If she has no interest, don’t push her. Open communication when not in bed is the key. Sex is like alcohol, when in the heat of the moment or under the influence, we all say and do things we may not normally do. The conversation has to be away from play area. If a couple can’t have an honest conversation about anything in area or circumstance, then this might not be the right thing for either of you. If you push too much and she gives in because of your fantasy, she may be guilt ridden. On the other hand and to balance it out, she may absolutely love it. Usually after a woman loves it, there is no turning back. Good luck to you.

VERY wise advice! You can't push it no matter how much you try. She has to have to want it to happen.

[trecital]

Good advice.