My wife is getting close to her first affair.

[jguy]

My wife has been meeting with a customer/friend in our office alone for about two months. They meet up for about an hour or so three times a week and he really makes her happy and makes her laugh a lot. I took her in some drinks so she would loosen up around him, and they have gotten very touchy with each other. He's a charming guy and very hot, but doesn't have much else to offer, as well as he is married. They text back and forth a lot and send each other pictures (face mainly). Lately he has been inviting her to a hotel with him, which is really getting her thinking about having sex with him. She has been wanting to kiss him and start things in the office, but she says if she kisses him, it won't stop there, and she is going to be upset when he goes home to his wife, and even worse, she said she won't be sure if she could be with me afterwards. We have been getting along better than ever since she met him and I really don't want them to stop, but I don't know if she can handle it. Any advice?

[2inUPMichigan]

Welcome to OHW jguy

You are thinking about this through the lens of your fantasy. You need to step back a minute and think about what you wrote.

I'm not so sure she has made the mental shift to non-monogamy.

She is telling you she doesn't want this married man to return to his wife, that she would be "upset". He will not be monogamous and is most likely cheating on his wife. She can't expect a man she is playing with as a hotwife to be monogamous.

The second thing is when she says she isn't sure she can be with you afterwards. You need to clarify if that just means the same day (maybe you can have "reclaim" sex the next day?).
Or she could be saying she can't imagine having sex with more than one person. If that is the case you have a choice to make - go forward and know you will not be having sex with her OR talk to her about bringing this back to just the two of you.

Now is the time for a discussion about what each of you want and how you each see this unfolding. Listen to each other and negotiate something that will work for both of you.

Good luck

[SilverStag]

Sage advice

[jguy]

Last night when I got home, S said the guy came by the office and they had a couple drinks. She said they touched a few times but nothing happened other than this. My only issue with this is he has a beard and the area around her lips looked red. She was bubbly when I saw her. Since I told her I was ok with it, I'm wondering if she doesn't want to admit something happened. I know this is bad, but I set up a recorder because I felt that there may be more going on. All I ever heard was giggling and silence though. I know that's bad, but I if she's doing something behind my back, that's not an open marriage. Maybe I'm making it up in my mind, but it's kind of upsetting if this is the case.

[2inUPMichigan]

You told her you were OK with this then set up a recorder
So obviously you are not ok with this and/or just not ready.

Read your statement again and insert you into it. "If she's doing something behind my back,that's not an open marriage" changed to "if he's doing something behind my back,that's not an open marriage".

This happens quite frequently when a man talks to his wife for years about his fantasy. Suddenly she is onboard and he isn't quite prepared for the fact that things will not be exactly the way he envisioned in his mind.

It is not possible for a fantasy to be exactly the same when it becomes reality because other people are involved and they are not actors reading from a script. They have their own ideas of what they want to see happen.

Recording them without their permission shows a lack of trust in your wife. If the two of you have set the groundwork then you should be able to navigate most of the bumps along the way.

Groundwork includes the 2 of you sitting down in a nonsexual situation (sober) where you each share your thoughts about this journey including any personal boundaries or limits and come to an agreement together on what is most important to both of you. Figure out ahead of time how the two of you would handle different situations.

When my hubby and I sat down we made a list of what things were important and they all tended to center around our privacy and safety for me. Not once did either of us consider making rules for each other to follow.
Are there expectations for any potential play dates to follow? Absolutely!

Sit down with her and talk about it!

[Seekingmore12]

This

[jguy]

We had a talk and I told my wife if she feels like she can't do anything with me after she has played with him, it would be best to stop seeing him without me or someone else there. Also, I told her the personal texting probably needed to stop as well. She agreed since she thinks it will go further. Since this time, the personal texting has kind of stopped, there still have been some joking around back and forth with text tho. He came by the other day and we were all hanging out together, but when we were wrapping up he said "well, give me a hug". They put their arms around each other and she ran her hand up and down his back, then she patted his back like it was nothing. I don't know what to make of this, but that is where we are.

[jguy]

I know this isn't a very exciting blog, but I found out after my last post that I have to go out of town for a week. I told my wife about it and she said she wouldn't be in the office much that week so no worries about E (the guy she's been talking with) coming by while I was gone. Yesterday she text me to say he was coming by and she wanted to have a 'happy hour' in the office. I asked if she wanted me to take off work early to be there, but she said she would be fine. So, never heard another word about it. I was a little curious, so when she was in the shower this morning I looked on her phone to see if there were any text. Anyway, it couldn't have been an hour later after I told her I was going out of town that she mentioned it to him and said he should come by for dinner, and she would cook pizza one night next week. I really don't see how I can bring this up without saying I was snooping on your phone. I guess I'm ok with him coming over, just wish it wasn't so secretive. The other text that I thought was odd is that she said "I like your beard, it's very soft". Makes me wonder if they did something in the office the other day.
Anyway, this is different than I expected for sure.. Any advice is appreciated.

[jguy]

On a good note, after asking my wife if she kissed him, she admitted they did kiss the other day, but that was the first time. I asked her "and..?", she said "it was fun, he is a good kisser". She liked talking about it. I think she liked reliving it. She said his hands were a lot rougher and larger than mine. He put his hand behind her head and pulled her lips up to his, feeling his back while he was kissing her. I guess he put his hands down the back of her shorts and was feeling her butt when she stopped him. Then they just talked a while and left. She said she was thinking about inviting him over next week for an evening, just to hang out, probably stay outside and have drinks. I told her "I think you should, you guys would have fun". Anyway, think things are going well, I'm glad we are communicating.

[2inUPMichigan]

Communicating means both of you communicating.

You don't appear to trust your wife (by your own actions) which may become an issue along this journey.
The two of you can either grow closer by learning to be open and honest with each other or the lack of trust may create a wedge between the two of you.

Instead of looking at her phone and then letting your suspicions run rampant, maybe you could have asked her if there had been any recent text messages. Or tell her it would be a turn on for you to be able to read the messages between them and see if she would like to read some of them to you.

[Long Lurker 34]

On a good note, after asking my wife if she kissed him, she admitted they did kiss the other day, but that was the first time. I asked her "and..?", she said "it was fun, he is a good kisser". She liked talking about it. I think she liked reliving it. She said his hands were a lot rougher and larger than mine. He put his hand behind her head and pulled her lips up to his, feeling his back while he was kissing her. I guess he put his hands down the back of her shorts and was feeling her butt when she stopped him. Then they just talked a while and left. She said she was thinking about inviting him over next week for an evening, just to hang out, probably stay outside and have drinks. I told her "I think you should, you guys would have fun". Anyway, think things are going well, I'm glad we are communicating.

JG - There's communicating and then there's equal two way communicating, meaning not keeping secrets.

[superb101]

My thought is to get yourself a good lawyer. You will need one when you return.

[jguy]

Communicating means both of you communicating.

You don't appear to trust your wife (by your own actions) which may become an issue along this journey.
The two of you can either grow closer by learning to be open and honest with each other or the lack of trust may create a wedge between the two of you.

Instead of looking at her phone and then letting your suspicions run rampant, maybe you could have asked her if there had been any recent text messages. Or tell her it would be a turn on for you to be able to read the messages between them and see if she would like to read some of them to you.

Good advice! This worked really well. I asked her if there was any updates with her boyfriend. She just started laughing and said, "Listen to this".. Then she pulled out her phone and started reading the conversation. Just more less how much fun they have on their breaks together. He told her he was hard as a rock in her office, and then she told him, "I had to stop you yesterday because you are a temptation to me" and "when I got home, my panties were soaked"
When we were done talking, she said, "I want to show you something", she put my hand down her pants, she was wet from talking about him!

I told her I was glad that we talked about things, and I want her to feel like she can tell me anything.

We kissed and went in the bedroom and had sex.
While I was licking her, she asked if it would be ok if E did this to her. I told her "I would like that a lot"
Her pussy got so wet; I don't remember it ever being so creamy like this.

When I was about to have sex with her, she said, "babe, would you be ok if E had sex with me?" I told her yes, you two need to get in the bed together".
Then the rest of the sex was her fantasizing I was him. She kept saying "Fuck me E, my husband is out of town all week, he won't find out"

I think we made good progress, and the sex was incredible!

[slenderfish]

Seems to me that she is sharing but not immediately after the fact. I've observed (especially with my wife) that during the newness of it all, they are a bit uncertain of the feelings and of themselves, and need time to process and then to figure out how to tell the husband. If the husband then starts acting out, putting recording devices, snooping on phone, thinking she is not being truthful, it becomes a terrible backfire.

She with the pussy makes the rules. Let's be honest. In your case, she is moving along at her speed and is keeping you informed, more than less. In the big picture, it is a success! Be appreciative for what she is doing and what she is sharing.

Remember, you are way ahead of her on this, in getting your head around it. You've been thinking about it forever, and she is catching up.

[jguy]

Seems to me that she is sharing but not immediately after the fact. I've observed (especially with my wife) that during the newness of it all, they are a bit uncertain of the feelings and of themselves, and need time to process and then to figure out how to tell the husband. If the husband then starts acting out, putting recording devices, snooping on phone, thinking she is not being truthful, it becomes a terrible backfire.

She with the pussy makes the rules. Let's be honest. In your case, she is moving along at her speed and is keeping you informed, more than less. In the big picture, it is a success! Be appreciative for what she is doing and what she is sharing.

Remember, you are way ahead of her on this, in getting your head around it. You've been thinking about it forever, and she is catching up.

It's hard for me because I am curious what is going on. I know E has come over Monday and Tuesday night, and they have "has a lot of fun". But she says she will give me details when I get back. She did tell me she put her hand in his pants last night (she said he was wearing sweatpants with no underwear) while they were kissing on the couch and "he has a very nice cock". Sounds like he is a little timid with her and I don't think they have slept together.

Anyway, that's all I've gotten to find out about.
They are going out for drinks tonight, and she said she is planning on wearing a dress, probably without panties.
So, I'm just going to let her have fun and like you said, just let her move at her speed.

[slenderfish]

So, I'm just going to let her have fun and like you said, just let her move at her speed.

Good plan, Good man.

[jguy]

My wife just sent me a picture of her with the dress she is wearing tonight. She asked me what I thought. I told her I think you look super sexy in it. Then she said, "I'm excited about going to happy hour with E! Also, since he mentioned he doesn't usually wear underwear, I wanted to tease him and give him something to think about all day, so I told him I won't be wearing any panties tonight " then she text me she doesn't plan on staying there too long cause she wants to spend time alone with him at the house

I'm turned on, but I'm really having a hard time thinking about my wife getting so excited and letting a guy see and feel her pussy for the first time.
I know it's too late to stop now, but I'm a little messed up from the picture see sent me in her dress this morning.
They have been texting and hanging out all week and I'm a long ways a way working long hours.
I guess this is what I've been wanting.

[jguy]

Well, I got a text tonight from my wife. She texted me to let me know she had an incredible night. She was super happy and thanked me for letting her have E over while I was gone. I asked if she could talk, but she said he was in the shower and would probably be staying overnight there. She said she's hoping they'll do it again before he leaves. So, she told me she loved me and would tell me more when we are in bed this weekend. All is well and I'm glad things are going so good.

[superb101]

Sounds like I was dead wrong (thankfully). Please update us!

[jguy]

Sounds like I was dead wrong (thankfully). Please update us!

Actually, you may not have been too far off on your divorce statement. When I finally got home last night, she gave me a big hug (first time I was greeted like this) and the first words out of her mouth were "Thank you for letting me have my boyfriend over, I really liked having him over!"

She was very anxious to talk about her week with Ethan, and asked me if I still wanted to hear the details. I honestly was tired and wanted to relax, but I didn't want to be a downer, so I said, "sure, tell me about your week"

Well, let me say first, Ethan is a pretty tall guy, he’s about 6-6’1”. He’s about 14 years younger than my wife and 25 years younger than me.
My wife is very slender and works out every day. Loves wearing her tight pants and has always liked flirting with guys.
I think it was such a big thing to have a young guy be so interested in her. It’s done so much for her self esteem to have a hot guy want to see her, talk to her, make her laugh, and try so hard to get her to like him.

We both have wondered and have wanted to see his body for months, just from curiosity. He has also implied to her he has a large dick, and because of his size, she has also wanted to know.
She has mentioned that she has had guys with bigger dicks when she was young and really enjoyed sex with them. So she was hoping he would be larger too.

My wife never really wanted to have sex with a married guy, and she feels bad for his wife, but I guess she feels bad for this guy and his situation. However she has rationalized it, she decided she was going to do it.

Here's what she told me... Wednesday was the big night for them. He told his wife he had an overnight business trip and had to go out of town so he didn't have to rush back home so early.

After several drinks and having fun at the restaurant. She was looking across the table at "his gorgeous blue eyes", and right then she said she knew she was actually going to have sex with another guy that wasn't her husband.

She said, she couldn't get home fast enough after that.
When they got back, they sat on the couch and he immediately put his hand behind her neck and pulled her face into his. She was telling me how they kissed for a long time and her legs were over his and her dress was barely covering anything. She said he was touching her inner thighs and couldn't believe she was so wet she felt it dripping down her ass. She said "he put his hand on my "va-jay-jay" for a while "and I my God, it felt so good". "After that, he stood up, took his shorts off, layed her head down gently on the couch pillow, kissed me, and then honey, I felt his cock slide into my pussy." She said "I just let him do whatever he wanted to do. He fucked me for about 5 minutes, and I never mentioned I kinda wanted him to pull out, but since it was our first time, I let him come in me"

They had sex two more times after that, but she said "we'll save that for another time."

She asked if I was ok, I told her "yeah, I'm fine, a little jealous, but sounds like you had fun!"
(Really, I'm very jealous over the whole thing.)
There encounter was a lot more romantic than I was expecting.

She said "you remember after I texted you when he was in the shower?" I said, "yeah" She said "We kinda had sex again in the bed." she smiled, and said "for about two more hours, then I just fell asleep next to him"
She could tell I was kind of upset. She said "sorry, hope you're ok with this.."
I told her "I'm fine, it's just a lot to take in"
I asked if he pulled out, she said "no"

So that is how my wife fucked another guy.
It does turn me on a lot, and I've been hard all morning, I think I'll feel better once we reconnect.
Just hard thinking about them going out on a date, fucking, and cuddling all night.

[superb101]

Sounds like I was dead wrong (thankfully). Please update us!

Actually, you may not have been too far off on your divorce statement. When I finally got home last night, she gave me a big hug (first time I was greeted like this) and the first words out of her mouth were "Thank you for letting me have my boyfriend over, I really liked having him over!"

She was very anxious to talk about her week with Ethan, and asked me if I still wanted to hear the details. I honestly was tired and wanted to relax, but I didn't want to be a downer, so I said, "sure, tell me about your week"

Well, let me say first, Ethan is a pretty tall guy, he’s about 6-6’1”. He’s about 14 years younger than my wife and 25 years younger than me.
My wife is very slender and works out every day. Loves wearing her tight pants and has always liked flirting with guys.
I think it was such a big thing to have a young guy be so interested in her. It’s done so much for her self esteem to have a hot guy want to see her, talk to her, make her laugh, and try so hard to get her to like him.

We both have wondered and have wanted to see his body for months, just from curiosity. He has also implied to her he has a large dick, and because of his size, she has also wanted to know.
She has mentioned that she has had guys with bigger dicks when she was young and really enjoyed sex with them. So she was hoping he would be larger too.

My wife never really wanted to have sex with a married guy, and she feels bad for his wife, but I guess she feels bad for this guy and his situation. However she has rationalized it, she decided she was going to do it.

Here's what she told me... Wednesday was the big night for them. He told his wife he had an overnight business trip and had to go out of town so he didn't have to rush back home so early.

After several drinks and having fun at the restaurant. She was looking across the table at "his gorgeous blue eyes", and right then she said she knew she was actually going to have sex with another guy that wasn't her husband.

She said, she couldn't get home fast enough after that.
When they got back, they sat on the couch and he immediately put his hand behind her neck and pulled her face into his. She was telling me how they kissed for a long time and her legs were over his and her dress was barely covering anything. She said he was touching her inner thighs and couldn't believe she was so wet she felt it dripping down her ass. She said "he put his hand on my "va-jay-jay" for a while "and I my God, it felt so good". "After that, he stood up, took his shorts off, layed her head down gently on the couch pillow, kissed me, and then honey, I felt his cock slide into my pussy." She said "I just let him do whatever he wanted to do. He fucked me for about 5 minutes, and I never mentioned I kinda wanted him to pull out, but since it was our first time, I let him come in me"

They had sex two more times after that, but she said "we'll save that for another time."

She asked if I was ok, I told her "yeah, I'm fine, a little jealous, but sounds like you had fun!"
(Really, I'm very jealous over the whole thing.)
There encounter was a lot more romantic than I was expecting.

She said "you remember after I texted you when he was in the shower?" I said, "yeah" She said "We kinda had sex again in the bed." she smiled, and said "for about two more hours, then I just fell asleep next to him"
She could tell I was kind of upset. She said "sorry, hope you're ok with this.."
I told her "I'm fine, it's just a lot to take in"
I asked if he pulled out, she said "no"

So that is how my wife fucked another guy.
It does turn me on a lot, and I've been hard all morning, I think I'll feel better once we reconnect.
Just hard thinking about them going out on a date, fucking, and cuddling all night.

Actually, your feelings sound pretty typical of most of the husbands here. Some jealousy but the lust and fantasies fulfilled overrides the other feelings.

[jguy]

I don't know if it overrides my feelings yet, it's a huge struggle with me now. It's new for both of us, so I don't want to say something I'm going to regret later. I want to be understanding with her and not go back on what I told her is ok. I have to remind myself that she did this because I kept pushing her to it. Yes, she is glad about it now, but I am the one who instigated it. We did discuss a few things up front before I left for my business trip. #1: It would be a good idea for him to wear a condom because we don't know his history. #2: Worse case, he needs to not come inside of her. #3 She does not want to have oral sex with him because at the time she said that was gross cause he had his dick in his wife and who knows where else.
She hasn't put his penis in his mouth, but I'm a little sad she didn't have him pull out and came inside her. I guess in my mind, this is my wife and I wanted to keep some things between us. I have to ask before I come inside her because she expects me not to. I'm jealous cause he gets to do things that I have to get permission to do first.
He's coming over to our work today and I will be at a factory so it will be the two of them alone. I don't want her to kiss and hug because we haven't talked about it, and I haven't gotten to be intimate with her for about 3 weeks now
I guess it free reigns with him to do whatever she wants now and I don't know how to say "How about me?"
I know it's new, and she only has had me for 10 years, I'm hoping she doesn't get too infatuated with him.

I would like to be more involved. I am going to mention next time they have sex, I would like to have sex with her afterwards?
I don't like feeling like an outsider.

[Farmgirl]

I don't know if it overrides my feelings yet, it's a huge struggle with me now. It's new for both of us, so I don't want to say something I'm going to regret later. I want to be understanding with her and not go back on what I told her is ok. I have to remind myself that she did this because I kept pushing her to it. Yes, she is glad about it now, but I am the one who instigated it. We did discuss a few things up front before I left for my business trip. #1: It would be a good idea for him to wear a condom because we don't know his history. #2: Worse case, he needs to not come inside of her. #3 She does not want to have oral sex with him because at the time she said that was gross cause he had his dick in his wife and who knows where else.
She hasn't put his penis in his mouth, but I'm a little sad she didn't have him pull out and came inside her. I guess in my mind, this is my wife and I wanted to keep some things between us. I have to ask before I come inside her because she expects me not to. I'm jealous cause he gets to do things that I have to get permission to do first.
He's coming over to our work today and I will be at a factory so it will be the two of them alone. I don't want her to kiss and hug because we haven't talked about it, and I haven't gotten to be intimate with her for about 3 weeks now
I guess it free reigns with him to do whatever she wants now and I don't know how to say "How about me?"
I know it's new, and she only has had me for 10 years, I'm hoping she doesn't get too infatuated with him.

I would like to be more involved. I am going to mention next time they have sex, I would like to have sex with her afterwards?
I don't like feeling like an outsider.

Your jealousy and insecurity are preventing you from enjoying what you thought you wanted. It's a classic case of the husband wanting a Hotwife but thinking it will play out like in his mind. I don't say this to belittle you, but so you know it's quite normal for many men to feel this way.
The way out is to realize what is causing the bad feelings and then work on them. This needs to be done together with your wife; talk, listen to each other, share, and let each other that you have each other's back. She can reassure you, easing your jealousy and helping you get a hand on it.
The two of you need to trust one another fully. Right now you don't trust her.

[jguy]

I don't think it's only a matter of trust. I don't know how I thought it would play out really. I just thought I would be more involved.
I thought the sex would be kind of hot, if I was there. When she fell asleep with him, she said it was nice to feel his face nice to hers when I was gone. Is this ok, or is this too intimate? I don't want to lose my wife over this. She said he stopped by the office but he just stayed 15 minutes and left. Nothing happened. I guess I'm freaking out. We are going to have dinner tonight and maybe that will help. I just feel very insecure with not knowing where everyone stands in this relationship. She is having him over tomorrow. she didn't ask, just pretty well told me. I asked where she wanted me, if I could or be in the bed or the other room. She said "Do you mind going out for a while? Maybe go see you son till I text you?" I told her I didn't really want it to be where I was gone. She just smiled and said "Go have drinks with your son for a few hours " I said "How about I stay in the other room"?
She said, "Stop, I'm just getting to a good place with him. Once I'm more comfortable having sex with him then you can be around, and you will be involved"
I guess that makes sense, I just don't want to be naive.

[Farmgirl]

I don't think it's only a matter of trust. I don't know how I thought it would play out really. I just thought I would be more involved.
I thought the sex would be kind of hot, if I was there. When she fell asleep with him, she said it was nice to feel his face nice to hers when I was gone. Is this ok, or is this too intimate? I don't want to lose my wife over this. She said he stopped by the office but he just stayed 15 minutes and left. Nothing happened. I guess I'm freaking out. We are going to have dinner tonight and maybe that will help. I just feel very insecure with not knowing where everyone stands in this relationship. She is having him over tomorrow. she didn't ask, just pretty well told me. I asked where she wanted me, if I could or be in the bed or the other room. She said "Do you mind going out for a while? Maybe go see you son till I text you?" I told her I didn't really want it to be where I was gone. She just smiled and said "Go have drinks with your son for a few hours " I said "How about I stay in the other room"?
She said, "Stop, I'm just getting to a good place with him. Once I'm more comfortable having sex with him then you can be around, and you will be involved"
I guess that makes sense, I just don't want to be naive.

Only you and your wife know your marriage, none of us here can really know. I and others base our comments on what you say and how you say it.
That said, what you are describing is all very much in the normal range.
I still believe it's mostly a matter of trust; not the trust most think they have, but the trust they should have. And, yes, you know how you thought it would play out; " I just thought I would be more involved."
She has her ideas of how she wants it to play out, nothing wrong with that. She is a complete person herself, not an actress in a show. And then, there is the other guy, maybe he doesn't want to be a show. You are dealing with three people, each with different wants and needs. Yours and hers come first, but he too is a person, not a toy or a prop.
So far, nothing you have said raises any red flags, except the inability of you to openly communicate with your wife.