Couldn't get it right in 44 years

[Restarting]

I've never posted or discussed our journey with anybody but my wife, M.
Many details may seem unremarkable but they stand out in my mind.
It is entirely from my perspective.

How it started: Our Arrangement
Now approaching 70, we were married at 20. Four months in, I pondered an approaching bachelor party, the first since our wedding, I knew I needed to have a conversation with M.

Waiting until we were in bed, "How would you feel about me having sex with another woman?" She paused. I told her I want to have freedom to do whatever I want at the party but not behind her back. In the moment, I blurted what my logical mind told me: "I'd be ok if you had sex with another man if you wanted." She agreed to the 'arrangement', somewhat nonchalantly. The only provision was that she would let me know in advance of any action. I made no such pledge.

I chalked up the win and had a great time at the party.

For whatever reason (probably my immaturity), I didn't think it was likely M would really want to try sex with anyone else. I was her first. She wasn't particularly flirty when in the company of my buddies, and our sex was as vanilla as it gets. I was already figuring out that marriage isn't a sex-every-night proposition.

Fast forward a couple of years. I began to take M for granted. She wanted to go dancing. I wasn't into it.
Our daily conversations revolved around drama in her workplace, a subject I found boring but tried to tolerate. I spent most of my free time with my buddies, Mark, Bobby and others while M would go out with her work friends.

Our sexual activity trended down and had grown stale. M hadn't shown any signs of interest in other men. Our "arrangement" didn't even cross my mind until the night on Bobby's sailboat.

[Restarting]

A Rocky Foundation and my New Perspective
Bobby and I met in college. He made a bunch of money in a job he hated in Houston after graduation. He was able to return to Austin and we became close friends. We went to Longhorn football practices and games, played basketball and a lot of racquetball.

Bobby was tall, athletic, good looking and knew it. None of my friends understood why women would flock all over him. Bobby said it was his cock, which he went out of his way to brag about to all (and proudly demonstrate in the locker room).

Bobby bought a boat and had it docked at a convenient marina on Lake Travis. it became a regular hangout spot.

Sailing in Austin is a lot of fun. Sunshine, drink and smoke, women on the lake in bikinis, flanked by one of the few legal clothing-optional parks in Texas. What's not to love?

One evening, Bobby suggested a first-ever nighttime sail. Boating accidents do happen. Nevertheless, we all thought it would be fun.

All four couples met at the marina. It was a bit weird seeing a couple of motorboats pass by in the dark night. Besides their requisite running lights, the moon provided very little visibility.

We sat around the boat, drinking and smoking, having a great time. Seemingly out of the blue, Bobby exclaimed "Let's go skinny dipping!" Looking back on it, I shouldn't have been surprised that an invitation from the well-hung Bobby was greeted with enthusiastic approval, especially the women. I looked at the normally modest M (translation: insecure about her "too skinny" body), who routinely resisted unsolicited attention. She was all in.

In my head, it was wait, what? You're excited about doing this with our friends?

I doubt 10 seconds had elapsed before I heard the first of several splashes off the port side. Bobby was the first in and got a head start swimming out into the darkness. M wasted no time to shed her 2-piece, push past me and dive in. It was all happening fast, but I didn't mind the thought of seeing a couple of the other women naked. But M's excitement was still a bit bewildering. I jumped in and swam toward M eager to know what was going through her mind. But she heard Bobby's voice and quickly swam toward it. I called her but she swam on, not interested in waiting.

I had never seen M get naked in public or show interest in another man, Bobby in particular. You might call that progress. But it didn't feel good. I felt ignored, abandoned.

The dreaded Jealousy monster reared its head. Of course, it didn't help when M later insisted that she was simply going along with everybody else. The expression on her face betrayed her arousal when Bobby made his proclamation.

My perspective of M shifted. I became aware that:
M has a sexual interest in men.
She keeps those feelings to herself.
I can't 100% count on M leveling with me about her wants and intentions.

In looking back, that evening paved the way for years of mistrust, deception, secrecy and infidelity. It was the first indication the open marriage that had been loosely defined might be a problem. It made a deep impression on me.

[Happyjohnson]

Oh the things we do and think when we are kids - if we only knew what was in store for us as, we mature, in life!

Please continue with your story and do not think that there is no interest in your writing - being New Years eve, in all probability everyone is out partying, but will be back here with numerous comments early next week.

I'm very interested to get the rest of your story and how it all pans out!

Happy New Year to you, your wife and family and the rest of the OHW family and friends.

Happy

[2inUPMichigan]

I am reading but purposely not sharing my thoughts until I have read the entire story.

[Restarting]

Oh the things we do and think when we are kids - if we only knew what was in store for us as, we mature, in life!

Please continue with your story and do not think that there is no interest in your writing - being New Years eve, in all probability everyone is out partying, but will be back here with numerous comments early next week.

I'm very interested to get the rest of your story and how it all pans out!

Happy New Year to you, your wife and family and the rest of the OHW family and friends.

Happy

Thanks HappyJ. I'm new to this so appreciate the feedback.

[Restarting]

After 5 years of marriage
Our marriage continued its predictable course. 40 hour work weeks for both of us. My schedule was basically 8-5 while M's schedule varied day by day, week by week. M's daily gossip reports from work continued.

At least half of our spare time was spent in our separate, respective circles of friends. The music scene was cranking up in Austin in the 70's and M was at the clubs more and more with her girlfriends. She talked about dancing and having drinks bought for her but insisted she had no interest in any of the men or that anything happened. She always made it home safely, thankfully (and perhaps, amazingly). Life went on.

Our 5th anniversary arrived, and we celebrated the purchase of our first home. It was a natural progression, I thought. But I didn't have a clue about M's deep reservation about it. I learned years later that seeing a mortgage payoff date 30 years away caused M to panic. Internally, she was becoming less satisfied and doubted the durability of our relationship. She felt trapped.

Once we moved in, we held a party in our largely unfurnished home. Everybody from our shared and respective circle of friends attended. We settled back into our jobs with our routines generally unchanged. M's endless stories of people at work described a soup of personalities and (yawn) scandals at the end of each day. Honestly, the multitude of characters started to blur over time. Until...

I had just laid in bed when M emerged from the bathroom and said "Jesse invited me to his house next (whatever day that was). His wife is going to be out of town."

Jesse's name was mentioned lots of times as part of the workplace drama and afterwork gathering carousel. He was a shift manager whose schedule sometimes overlapped with M's. Now, out of all of those exhausting names and personalities, this one has my attention.

[Restarting]

M meets Jesse
Jesse lived in a nice neighborhood, a couple over from ours and supposedly was getting a divorce. I had no concern for M's safety other than I didn't know Jesse. M liked him though (and I knew where he worked). I vividly recalled the conversation about the arrangement we had struck 5 years earlier. I presented no objection to the date, while at the same time was stunned inside.

The night arrived and M was off to her date. By the time she returned, I was already in bed, but not asleep. She headed directly for a bath, closing the door behind her. I was crazy for some information but was hoping she would volunteer a report. Nope. When she got in bed, I had to ask her how it went. "Good" she said.
"Did you like it?", I asked. "It was OK". She wasn't really interested in talking about it. Her general message was it was no big deal.

This didn't feel right to me. A twinge of jealousy crept in.

A couple of weeks later, M accepted Jesse's invitation to his new apartment, closer to work, but still in our general area of town. Afterward, M reported that she had met Jesse's daughter, Gabriella. He ushered her back to bed and took M to his room for sex. Again, she says it's no big deal and offered few details other than he had a crooked dick. Interesting.

While her after-work gatherings continued, some to which Jesse appeared, I heard no more mention of M meeting Jesse alone after that.

[Restarting]

Another encounter, then nothing
Months passed since seeing Jesse before M announced she was going to Earl's apartment for sex. Earl was an employee with M but his name was rarely mentioned over the years. I wasn't aware M had any attraction to him. The next weekend, like with Jesse, M met Earl a second time. "Not that great, she said". No details though. "He's just a cowboy." She didn't see him after that.

M had taken her first step in our open marriage, 5 years after our original conversation. But she didn't seem too enthused about it.

At age 25, I was proud to have a good-looking wife (still do) but found myself jealous of attention I saw her getting from other men I didn't know.

It was too much for me to handle and M could tell.

Soon after, she received a promotion and began working for the always-womanizing District Manager. Sex between M and me was stale and decreasingly frequent. M didn't mention seeing other men. I was constantly suspicious.

Four decades would pass before we would talk about it again. I would experience job loss, career change, financial ruin and recovery. We would raise two wonderful daughters, both now successful and married with children. M became a work from home mom until the kids left for college. We glided through a committed relationship, complacent in our routine and largely devoid of sexual passion. Seemingly, our "arrangement" was dead after 44 years of marriage.

But I was wrong. Four years later, it's an entirely different story.

[snoogaloo82]

Another encounter, then nothing
Months passed since seeing Jesse before M announced she was going to Earl's apartment for sex. Earl was an employee with M but his name was rarely mentioned over the years. I wasn't aware M had any attraction to him. The next weekend, like with Jesse, M met Earl a second time. "Not that great, she said". No details though. "He's just a cowboy." She didn't see him after that.

M had taken her first step in our open marriage, 5 years after our original conversation. But she didn't seem too enthused about it.

At age 25, I was proud to have a good-looking wife (still do) but found myself jealous of attention I saw her getting from other men I didn't know.

It was too much for me to handle and M could tell.

Soon after, she received a promotion and began working for the always-womanizing District Manager. Sex between M and me was stale and decreasingly frequent. M didn't mention seeing other men. I was constantly suspicious.

Four decades would pass before we would talk about it again. I would experience job loss, career change, financial ruin and recovery. We would raise two wonderful daughters, both now successful and married with children. M became a work from home mom until the kids left for college. We glided through a committed relationship, complacent in our routine and largely devoid of sexual passion. Seemingly, our "arrangement" was dead after 44 years of marriage.

But I was wrong. Four years later, it's an entirely different story.

I'm so looking forward to hearing the rest of your guys' story!

[tit5atat]

Can't wait to hear more!

[Breakerhymen]

Im not —so far its pretty depressing

[Restarting]

I agree. It was depressing. It gets worse before it gets better.

[FerranB]

Please, continue your story. It is very similar to mine and I'm fascinated to know how it developed.

[Restarting]

Please, continue your story. It is very similar to mine and I'm fascinated to know how it developed.

Thank you. That's what I hoped for.

[Restarting]

Her Past Revealed
We were empty nesters. Our first grandchild arrived. Both of our daughters, who had moved all over the country for jobs, were finally back in Texas, a manageable 200 miles or less away.

I remember sitting comfortably in my chair in the study and M was sitting on the couch with her customary glass of wine. What I don't remember is exactly how the topic of M's extramarital past arose. The subject had only come up during a few, early, jealousy-charged, accusatory rants. This time, with both of us very relaxed, I mentioned M's time with Jesse.

When I recalled her having had sex with him twice, a curious expression came across her face, a kind of a sheepish smile (one I would later recognize), "it was more than twice.", she confessed. When I asked how many times, she said "Maybe about 4?" We attempted to reconstruct the timeframe. Turns out it was a dozen or so times over a 2 to 3 year period.

The conversation spiraled into an argument. The suspicions that I had held forever, and a couple of subtle hints of infidelity that I had dismissed with a laugh, were suddenly confirmed.

I was infuriated at the information gap.

Then she recounted the guy she met when dancing at the Greenhouse that she saw once. I had never heard of him! When questioned, she changed it to "about 3 times". Seeing my reaction, M retreated to what is apparently a standard script for newly-discovered wayward spouses. Justifying. Trivializing. Trickle truth. Downplaying it, "It was no big deal.", "It was a long time ago.", "Let's just move on".

I wasn't moving on.

The fact that 40 years had passed didn't matter. To me, it was a newly found betrayal. It might as well have happened yesterday.

All trust with M was lost. I questioned everything. I wondered: What happened? Why did it happen? Did I cause it? I spent months reading, reflecting and questioning marital relationships, infidelity, means of reconciliation, contemplating my future with M.

Later, after lengthy discussions, M tired of the questions, "We've talked about everything, we need to move on." My response was quick and certain, "We're done when I say we're done. I'm the injured one here. I decide how I feel and when things might be OK." "You don't get to decide."

The unfamiliar reconciliation was slow. I identified these 3 key elements that could not be compromised:
Getting M to recognize the seriousness of the situation from my perspective
Confirming M was fully committed to reconciliation
Agreeing to communication without limits

The journey was long, winding, often circular and chaotic. It included:
Determining what was most hurtful about her infidelity
An attempt to recreate the timeline of infidelity and to match up with my life at the time
Regular, often repetitive questions (to test consistency of her answers) about her actions and frame of mind
Figuring out how can I overcome the distrust
Deep introspective on my possible role leading to M's decisions
Determining personal changes I can/should make
Understanding M's thinking during and after her affairs
Discovering the entire M
Trying to understand why she stopped

M expressed true remorse and I believed her commitment to rebuild trust between us. But, the decades since the affairs didn't help our process because memory can fade over time. M repeatedly maintained that she couldn't remember many of the details that I felt were important to complete the puzzle of M's private life. That lack of recollection was challenging at times. In particular, I was pretty sure that I would remember some details of sex with another woman, no matter how long ago it was.

Over time, my anger subsided and the hurt was slowly displaced by curiosity. Healing was underway.

Interestingly, my greatest problem was never about the sex she was having, at all. Rather, it was the deceit and secrecy that essentially represented a life detached from mine, tantamount to divorce in my mind. In fact, I always wanted the best for M. I wanted M to broaden her sexual experience. I wanted it for her, even when I couldn't handle it when I was younger.

In retrospect, I realize my lack of confidence and immaturity, that produced paralyzing jealousy in our earlier years, precluded M from being forthright with me. It also robbed her the opportunity for a sounding board, to talk about what she was going through at the time, nor was I available to share her joys, excitement, disappointments or offer support in her self-discovery.

M's secrecy saved our marriage from implosion, but, once that deceit was revealed, all trust vaporized. The ensuing crisis proved vital in identifying and correcting our trust issues, without which we could have never reached the level of closeness we ultimately found.

[Restarting]

How I responded

While thinking about our sex life, I did some self-reflection. Since M's time with Jesse, I could never accept that M didn't have interest in sex, even if it wasn't with me. For the first time, I considered that I might be the reason our sex life was dull.

I always attributed the longevity of our marriage to the fact that M and I are opposites. We complemented each other when we met and I've certainly benefited from some of her kindheartedness rubbing off on me. What if I could make sex more exciting for her? It's like a different part of my alpha brain engaged.

I needed to change.

I read all I could about sex drive that was lost in marriages. Our antiquated division of domestic duties, M inside, me outside, was unbalanced. The Leave It to Beaver home model that formed our childrearing environment required modification. I quietly began to do some cleanup in the kitchen after meals. Dishwasher loading and emptying became part of my daily routine. It was no big deal. But that small habit enabled M to turn in her post-meal apron for the recliner and an accompanying glass of wine. Well-deserved relaxation after preparing great meals, day after day.

In the evenings, I studied ways to improve my sexual performance. I watched porn (probably not the best source, but I enjoyed it, for the most part) and scoured the Web for content covering sexual techniques. Turns out, there I was in my mid-sixties and had no idea what I was doing when it came to eating pussy! It's not that complicated, but I should have read the instructions first. The effect of my newfound skill was mind blowing. I heard sounds and saw expressions from M that I never imagined.

While the quality of our sex made quantum leaps, the frequency of sex only marginally improved. I saw her reactions to amazing orgasms. Yet, her habitual "We can do it in the morning" (code for no) persisted. I remember an occasion when I offered to get M something to drink. She said no. But I knew she wanted it. I offered again, she paused and then said, "OK".

Wait. What just happened? My brain was making a connection.

I sat down with M and recounted how she had refused my drink offer and said, "Last night, when I asked if you wanted to have sex, you said no, automatically. Why would you not want something you love?"

She didn't have an answer, but she didn't dismiss the question either.

"In fact, I crave the sex we have. I don't understand why you don't crave it. I can't believe it."

She pondered it hard. "I don't know why I do that", she said.

This was a pivotal moment. Memories from 40 years earlier came flooding in.

I remembered the trust issues emerging from that night on Bobby's sailboat. The thought that I couldn't trust M to share her true feelings, that she couldn't trust me with her wants, much less her deepest desires.

At that moment I was struck with the realization that M didn't know the real M. She had learned to lie to herself, to deny her wants. "It's like you've built a shell around your heart. You need to connect with your genuine inner self, and believe it", I said.

Then speaking to myself as much as M, "I can't trust you if you can't trust yourself."

We hugged each other. She understood the importance of having a connection with her inner self, to be her true self. Someone she can trust; someone I can trust.

I promised to help.

[hubudig2]

I'm really enjoying the psychological reflection and soul searching of your story.
Looking forward to finding out where and how this goes.

[Restarting]

Trust is a 2 Way Street
Over the next weeks, our sexual activity increased, bolstered by a Viagra prescription. Wow!
I saw our relationship grow closer as we experienced the best sex of our lives.

Long discussions provided a clue to what I viewed as a core problem. I heard her make comments like, "I'm not that kind of girl" or "you're supposed to act (this way or that way)". I shared my perspective, "That's how you want to appear, not how you feel. It's a persona that you've created." That persona, informed by her upbringing and Catholic education, created a shell that interfered with M knowing her heart and her ability to communicate honestly with herself and others. Her true feelings conflicted with that persona. This theory seemed correct to M.

She became intentional about separating other's expectations from what she feels and desires.

Still, I'd quiz M about her fantasies. She steadfastly maintained she didn't have any. How was that possible?

If she was being honest, I'm guessing she didn't allow herself to ponder and share her fantasies after my open hostility back in the "Jesse days". I knew M had to trust me enough to be able to share her inner feelings without fear. This gave rise to a new perspective, "I can't trust you more than you trust me." My trust in M is limited by her trust in me. The concept was clear to me as was the leap of faith I was asking of M.

Trust issues involving M's interest in sex faded as she came to grips with her wants. Previously, any attempts at a civil conversation about sex were met with frustrating resistance . But now, things seemed more relaxed.

We were both learning. We were moving forward.

[Restarting]

External validation
These excessively long posts have been my attempt to communicate that trust is everything. Without it, true happiness can't exist. It took 2 years but the air had finally cleared. Trust was fully regained.

I appreciated M more than ever. She was sexier than before but her wardrobe was locked in a mix between "proper" conservative attire and soccer mom sweats and tees.

Even at 65, M was petite, but her arsenal of padded bras hid a lot of her shape. "Armor", I'd call them and took aim.

I bought her unpadded bras (Victoria Secret calls them bralets) and helped M discard all but a couple of the armor bras.
They felt good to M and she looked fantastic in them.

I wasn't the only one that thought so. I noticed men watching her but M was totally unaware. Her old persona instructed her to repel unsolicited interest from men, to ignore any advances. She had tunnel vision. I had to encourage her, "Eyes up" I would say so that she could also see the attention that I saw her getting, "See the world around you, soak it in". It took practice but she began to pick up some of the looks sent her way. She exuded unprecedented confidence.

It excited me.

I targeted the rest of her wardrobe. Lace tops replaced sweat shirts. Form-fitting replaced figure-concealing styles. Worn out balloon panties, gone. Bodysuits began to displace bras and looked incredible on her. More revealing outfits drew more and more attention. Adding heals amped up the temperature to new levels. Eventually, she eliminated bras altogether (hard to go back after COVID) except for the occasional family or other similar occasions. Sheer tops were added to the mix. It was a breathtaking transformation. The attention increased at each stage.

Compliments came from all directions from both men and women. Occasionally, M would doubt herself and revert back to her former attire. It helped that I could cite the positive response from many total strangers, She regularly responded to my compliments with "You have to say that. You're my husband". Admiration from others carried a lot more weight.

After wandering almost 40 years in the desert, consideration of a (proper) restart of our agreement crept back into my mind with a particular focus on M. I trusted her again. She trusted me more than ever. I was ready. But was M?

[bustersbride]

Restarting - Thank you for sharing your story. I am very much enjoying it. I see similarities to our lifetime of experiences in this game. Keep it coming our way, please.

[Restarting]

Unprepared
Flirting, particularly the innocent kind, always came naturally to M. But the skill had been largely shelved for years.

Just as I had to prove to M that men look at her, I felt I had to provide her visibility into male behavior in the wild.

"Why do men smile at you?", I'd ask before answering, "Because they want to know more about you or to have sex with you". I shared some of the lines that would indicate a man is hitting on her.

We were frequenting fine restaurants more often. Hotel bars became a regular destination.
We were heading toward the Fairmont and I described a tactic that men might use. "When a man says that he hasn't had sex in a long time, it's code for I want to fuck you."

We were seated in an area that provided the best view of the musicians, I took the comfortable velour chair and angled it toward the stage. M sat on the sofa next to me. M was wearing her white pants and white body suit. Her black lace top hid none of the incredible side boob the bodysuit revealed. Her new red Jimmy Choo pumps (one of my best purchases) applied the exclamation point. Sure enough, I noticed a man circling the bar, checking out every woman there.

He spotted M, stopped in his tracks, made eye contact, took a swig from his wine glass and made a bee line to the sofa and sat close to M. "Do you work out?" he asked M. "Some", she said. It turns out he owned a couple of Orange Theory Fitness centers in Sarasota and was in for a fitness industry convention. We don't remember his name so we've since dubbed him as Sarasota. He asked how long we had been married. "45 years", I replied. He said he had been married for 35 years, 15 to his current wife. Then it came. "It's been really great, but over the last 3 weeks or so, it hasn't been the same with her, she's been distant" M would later tell me she instantly understood his intent thanks to our talk in the car.

I was impressed with the brashness of him taking a seat close to M. This was the first time I was faced with M potentially having an opportunity to get with another man since our reconciliation.

I leaned in and told M I was going to the rest room. M looked back at me in horror. She didn't know what to do about it. We had become regulars at the Fairmont bar. Staff knew us. She was in a safe environment. I departed for the rest room. We had stayed there a week earlier and had been double charged for parking. I continued to the front desk to arrange a refund, giving M and Sarasota time to get to know each other better. After about 15 minutes, I observed them from a distance as I returned. Upon arrival I found M completely locked up, hands tucked between her knees and leaning forward in an almost crouched position, looking toward the band. By now, Sarasota was sitting against M, almost laying back with a perfect view of M's side boob and a raging hard on.

M didn't anticipate this encounter and felt intimidated. Later, she would describe how he asked her what song she'd like to hear and approached the band with the request. They were playing it when I rejoined them. I knew they were playing it for M.

But she said she didn't like him. The fact is, she was unprepared for his advances. Sex wasn't in the cards with him for M, but it proved to be valuable in helping M handle potential opportunities later.

[Restarting]

Ready, Set, Covid
From the beginning of our crisis, we both clearly understood my interest in experiences with other women but I was squarely focused on establishing trust with M. Once that was accomplished, M felt truly free to imagine being with other men. I was enthralled with her newfound confidence. But I think, Sarasota lit my fuse. Seeing, first hand, how a man actually approaches M was exhilarating. Meeting women suddenly took a back seat. A hotwife was sprouting. I began to ask M which men she found attractive when we went out.

We all know our fantasies never exactly match up with real life. The images in my mind were always men pursuing M. So, it caught me off guard when, one evening at the Driskill bar, M told me, "That guy over there is very interesting to me" pointing out a man with an average build and long hair. Her eyes wandered to him as we were speaking. My fantasy took a left turn when M wanted to approach him and invite him to our table. <insert sound of screeching tires> I had always imagined the guy being the aggressor and was unprepared for the reversal in roles. My defenses went up. I irrationally felt M was setting me up to pimp her out to the guy, aka "Long Hair". I was having none of it. I offered to take a seat at another table to give them personal space, but was clearly agitated. Time passed as she calculated an approach and watched him get completely wasted as he and his buddies pounded drink after drink. Ultimately, M changed her mind about pursuing him. She reasoned that there was no way Long Hair would even be able to carry on a simple conversation. It wasn't long before he stumbled his way, with help, toward the elevators. Opportunity was lost, but the twist in how I imagined M meeting others underscored the need for continuous dialog, and it flowed effortlessly.

Within a week, M flatly stated that she wanted to actively pursue sex with other men. She was heading to Dallas to help our daughter settle in with her newly-born, first child. She would be back the next weekend. My mind was consumed with what awaited.

The spell was broken midway through her visit when she called. She was upset. Our daughter, the new mother, was upset. They had been listening to the news about the Corona Virus breakout in the US. They were both scared. I acknowledged the lockdown but predicted it would be lifted in a month or so. By the time she got home, and despite government assurances that the lockdown would be lifted by Easter, I feared it would last much longer (it did).

Our hotwife aspirations hit the wall just as they were accelerating toward cruising (ramming?) speed. Still, a new era had officially begun. And, at 66 years of age, I had a hotwife that would not be denied.

[Restarting]

Enter Internet Dating Sites
How do you connect with men during a lockdown? The Internet, of course.

We wouldn't unnecessarily expose ourselves to COVID by going out, so the alternative of virtual connections made sense. M signed up on AdultFriendFinder to see what was out there.

Navigating AFF requires practice. M created a presence but didn't include her picture.. Eventually, she would send a photo off-platform, by email if she had any interest. No in-person meetings took place in 2020, just an occasional exchange of superficial messages. She had to dodge the endless barrage of dick picks and creeps that dominated M's AFF experience. M's focus on men closer to her age narrowed the population further. M and Kenny 'met' on AFF in January. The 2021 ice storm gave M plenty of time to exchange banter. By late February, Kenny's cyber-seduction was well underway. COVID vaccines were rolling out. M agreed to meet when the shots had taken effect a couple of weeks later. They chose a secluded bar, not too far away.

Days later, I watched my beautiful wife as she bounced out to the car, put on her sunglasses and pulled away, head proudly held high. She looked like she did driving her hot 5-speed Z-car in her 20s and 30s I was mesmerized by the scene. M agreed there would be no sex during this introductory meeting. We expected it to last maybe an hour and a half or two.

The house was quiet. I didn't feel lonely but I did feel alone. I was nervous and looked for things to do in the house. I tried to remain patient. I couldn't really concentrate on anything. M returned within our expected timeframe and was anxious to report her experience.

Here are the highlights:
M arrived before Kenny and ordered a wine. He arrived, tall and handsome, wearing a cowboy hat. "Marian?", he asked. M acknowledged. He tore off his mask and took a seat at the table M had chosen on the patio. I don't remember the chit chat that M reported but the date ended with Kenny escorting M to her can and Kenny asking if he could kiss her. Without objection, he leaned over and planted a long, passionate kiss. "Wow" she reported him saying. Sounded a little dramatic to me, lol.

M gave Kenny her approval.

Almost exactly a year after the lockdown torpedoed M's hotwife aspirations, she and Kenny made plans to meet for sex. A last-minute location change led the hookup to a motel less than a mile from our house.

[Restarting]

Her only experience had been cheating.
Lockdown gave us plenty of time to discuss boundaries. Protected sex (always), maximum number of dates per man (don't risk attachment), no travel, always know where she is and planning to be at all times, check-ins (upon arrival, after sex, as she is departing for home) all come to mind.

But, I was the one insisting on firm boundaries because of the uncertainty of everything that would follow. It was a defense mechanism. I was overly cautious. The first time around, M veered into a cheating-mode after two dates with Jesse. Was the risk factor part of the appeal to her?

There would be no crossing any boundaries that we defined, and would clarify anything that our boundaries didn't specifically address before proceeding.

Breaking trust was non-negotiable.

Everything I have written here has been entirely from my perspective. Nobody reviewed or edited my story before it was posted, even M, although she is following it now. It has detailed most of my journey to this point.

I'm hoping M will offer her perspectives, too. Especially as we cross into her first solo experiences.

[Happyjohnson]

Not many passing comments of appreciation for all your time spent in recounting your HW experience and life to this point! Thank you.

I am finding your story very interesting, as in some ways, it replicates our lives together, -- lack of any sexual fantasies on behalf of my wife! Glad to see that I'm not the only one to have been shut down very effectively in that department! as in others.

We were brought up back in the 50's and 60's in a very straight laced society and country! Laying your hands on Playboy or similar magazines was difficult, they had to be imported without declaration at the border!
Hence sexual discussion and freely talking about sex with the wife was one sided to say the least!

Please continue as I'm learning from your writings. Thank you

Happy