Hello from a new explorer

[leggysman]

Hello, and welcome

I think a lot of people will tell you that non-monogamy won't fix a troubled relationship -- it's more likely to break it apart. (just like having kids)

For those of us with strong marriages, hotwifing seems to bring us closer together, rev up the passion and joy, and the mutual appreciation.

But maybe that's not what you're after. Is it correct that you would like to have some fun and romance, ethically, and for your marriage to survive it? Would you also allow your husband to play with others?

You might start by pondering whether your husband seems like a jealous, possessive sort. Or is he more relaxed? OK with you having male friends, going out alone or with friends, flirting, etc? A sharing kink actually seems exceedingly common amongst men - is it possible that's your husband? And he simply hasn't realized it or talked to you about it? Since you're asking here, you must think the latter type is more like him, and that he's persuadable. Of course, offering your husband his own "hall pass" might help to persuade him if he's reticent, and you'd be OK with it.

One thing that we seem to see in our new hotwives is a revived focus on looking good and feeling sexy, which in turn only makes us husbands desire you even more. Maybe that's a good place to start, until you're ready to have "the talk" with him? See how he reacts to you dressing up, doing a little bit of light flirting, etc? (Maybe he seems annoyed at first, but then wants to take you home and 'reclaim' you! If so, bingo!)

Finally, you'll find lots of men here who can help explain the husband's experience, but we also have a decent community of ladies here who can probably give you better advice about husband-wrangling The admins can tell you how to become verified as a woman (the ladies with the blue names, a.k.a. Verified Hotwives) and there's a hidden, private Ladies' Lounge forum just for you, where you'll meet lots of friendly, helpful, experienced ladies. viewtopic.php?f=5&t=53838

Hope this helps a bit!

[philxxo]

Hello everyone.

I am 31 f married for 6 years. I have been going through a rough patch in my marriage where things aren't going the way they ideally should be. I ended up on a website called gleeden where one person suggested that I can try getting on here to gather information and get advise on my specific situation.

Mostly I am just trying to see if there is anyway I can avoid cheating and convert or influence my husband to this lifestyle where I will be able to meet someone without the guilt involved in cheating. I am looking forward to read through the posts and understand more of this lifestyle. I am really hoping this helps in my situation.

Thank you in advance for all the advice and help.

What exactly is going wrong with your marriage? Why are you feeling a pull to meet someone else and not feel guilty for cheating?

[Statein88]

Hello everyone.

I am 31 f married for 6 years. I have been going through a rough patch in my marriage where things aren't going the way they ideally should be. I ended up on a website called gleeden where one person suggested that I can try getting on here to gather information and get advise on my specific situation.

Mostly I am just trying to see if there is anyway I can avoid cheating and convert or influence my husband to this lifestyle where I will be able to meet someone without the guilt involved in cheating. I am looking forward to read through the posts and understand more of this lifestyle. I am really hoping this helps in my situation.

Thank you in advance for all the advice and help.

What exactly is going wrong with your marriage? Why are you feeling a pull to meet someone else and not feel guilty for cheating?

Thanks for the reply. I think I was wrong with my wording about the marriage. I wouldn't say much is wrong with it. It's just lost the spark. We are living out our busy lives and I feel I am missing out on something. Both emotionally and physically. I feel my sex drive isn't being catered to and I believe exploring my options outside would help. It's just the thoughts in my head for now. I haven't followed through with them yet.

Not meant to be snarky in any way, but have you tried to talk to your husband? Let him know you feel like there needs to be a spark put back in your marriage (not even mentioning opening the marriage)?

One thing that’s critical in any happy marriage is great communication. Maybe you can talk to him about what you’re feeling and what your desires are for both of you. I can tell you I still learn something new about my wife all the time, but it’s because we communicate openly. I promise you CAN get there as long as you’re both willing to talk and listen to each other. He may be receptive to your idea, but you can definitely start by just communicating and telling him you desire more intimacy and real communication. Remind him how much he and your relationship mean to you, ask him to talk to you about where he’s at in your relationship as well. He may have some things he wants that you would want too. It sounds redundant, but it all centers around you two being able to talk and listen to each other.

[kaskap79]

Hi and welcome to the forum.

The best way to get what you want is communication, the more the better.

One way to get to this topic with your husband could be to read erotic novels about a wife having two men in the bed. It could also be porn movies, but novels are a better start in my mind.

In the beginning you need to keep him as a part of it, so he does not feel rejected because he is not enough for you. Later you can try to see if you can play alone.

The webside I use for erotic novels er www. literotica. com (remove the spaces) and look for the "Loving Wife" section. All the novels in there are about wives having sex outside the marrige wit consent of her husband.
Find the novels you like; best would be if you can find some from both a female and a male point of view and read them with your husband.

Getting your husband to be "turned on", in this fantasy is the first step. You can tell him about this forum, so he also can get advice in here once he starts to think about you having an extra man.

Please continue asking in here, we are many that can help you with inputs. We all have different approaches, so you can choose the ones that suit you best.

When you have made 5-10 posts, you will also be able to send private messages to other members. This could be an idea for more personal questions, once you find someone you trust.

Good luck with your attempts to get your husband on board.

[MonaLisaOverdrive]

Communication honestly has been a challenge. I have been trying my best from my end. But both have to be invested equally to make it work.

This stood out to me.

This applies not only in hotwife activities, but also in marriage. If you're having trouble communicating with your husband generally in your marriage I definitely believe trying to bring up an open marriage will not help. If he doesn't listen to you or engage with your attempts to communicate about daily life and your needs/wants, he certainly won't hear what you're saying in regard to your offer to open up your marriage. Especially if he takes the information badly.

Have you thought about doing some couples therapy? Sometimes it's good to do for 'spring cleaning' your relationship. There doesn't need to be anything inherantly wrong with a relationship to take part in some therapy together.

However, if you're finding your husband unwilling to communicate with you about your relationship and potential issues on the horizon, then there is a reason why. I don't pretend to know what that reason is but it could be anything from; he has gotten lazy and is taking you and your family for granted, to there is a crazy amount of stress at work and he is becoming depressed, or the far more unlikey, he is having his own affair.

But if he is refusing to engage with you on a meaningful level then you need to work that through before you even attempt to open your relationship up.

Also, this is not meant to be accusatory in any way but I thought I'd ask, could your attempt to open things up subconsciously be an attempt to find another/better partner to move out of your marriage with or blow the whole thing up?

One other word of caution against moving too quickly. What kind of social media does your husband engage with? It is currently in vogue within the male spaces online (and not just right-wing spaces) that are currently celebrating men who immediately end their marriages/relationships on the spot, as soon as the open marriage question is asked by wives. Even casually. So I would pay attention to what he watches on YT as a good incidator for this possibility.

In short, you definitely need to work on things together before you even attempt to bring this up. And seriously consider things should he be completely unwilling to engage with or work on your relationship at all. We've lost many great people and couples on this forum who have not survived opening their relationship, even when they were initially in amazing places in their relationship. Starting from where you are would almost certainly be with the sword of Damocles over your marriage.

[philxxo]

This is exactly the problem with marriage in general. Modern marriage expects that one person, and one person only, will fulfill all of your relationship needs. All your needs for sex, intimacy, conversation, friendship etc. That simply is not realistic, there is always something that suffers for at least one person.

From what you describe, it doesn't sound like your husband will be very receptive to the idea. I think maybe if you start masturbating more in front of him to satisfy yourself, maybe he will get the picture that you aren't satisfied with his sex. Start watching porn yourself. Watch some sharing videos and let him know how much that turns you on. You need something to jump start the conversation with him. Maybe he would be receptive to 3-somes at least?

[Restarting]

Hi Div,
You've already read that the lifestyle can enhance a strong relationship or hasten the demise of a fragile one. I fear you are in the latter category. I can personally testify that can be corrected, if you are committed to doing what is necessary to position yourself for happiness.

You can't control anyone's thoughts and actions but your own. That begins with your ability to honestly communicate, first with yourself, then with others. The difficult conversations that you need WILL eventually happen, whether it's on the way to better understanding each other or dissolution of the marriage. If not, your situation will remain unchanged, and you (and your husband) will never achieve full happiness. You correctly recognize both parties must be willing audiences. It all starts with you communicating with yourself deeply to understand what you want.

But I also sense a possible dependency in the marriage. If this is the case, I believe it should be your first priority to rectify that. Plot a course to independence (including financial independence) for yourself, regardless of the future of your marriage.

You will be negotiating a (hopefully improved) change in your relationship with your husband. In order for any negotiation to be successful, you must be willing to walk away. That isn't possible unless you feel independent enough to (as difficult as it may be) make it on your own, with your child. Commit yourself to independence. That doesn't mean leave your husband, greater independence within the marriage is the original goal you set for yourself in your post.

With the power of independence, you will have equal footing with your husband during your discussions. If you think about it, if your husband feels you are dependent on him, he can easily dismiss your concerns. But more importantly, with independence, you have the freedom to truly communicate with yourself fully, in order to define, pursue and achieve happiness.

Finally, if you are considering cheating (probably not your best path), I'd encourage you to PM my wife, Mkindling, to get her take on the satisfaction of sex with others when the husband is on board versus not.

I'm pulling for you!

[DaveS]

I think that we all respect your integrity in wanting to establish a consensually/ethically non-monogamous marriage - rather than just going out and cheating on your husband - which virtually any woman can do with ease, if they so desire. As has been said, communication is critical. When you begin to speak with your husband about this, I would suggest - based on the extraordinary way my wife convinced me to open our marriage (when I did not want to), the following considerations: Reassure your husband repeatedly that you love him and that will not change - and that he will always take priority over any other lovers, that is simply about your needs and desires. That preserving the family is paramount - the interest of the child comes first. That it is not about him or any deficiency on his part - that you enjoy sex with him - but that you have a need and desire for variety, new experiences. That you are capable of having sexual relationships with other men without diminishing your love for him. In fact, you can tell him that for many, an open marriage can enhance the love a couple has for each other. And that it almost certainly will rekindle your marital sex life. That your are willing to discuss and honor whatever boundaries that you agree on - whatever they may be. Many have found that these boundaries relax over time, but since you are asking your husband to modify your marital contract for monogamy - when he may be so inclined, you will probably need to understand his need for boundaries (if the discussion gets that far). Be prepared for many long discussions - let him talk it out as long as he needs to. And, of course, let him know that he is welcome to have other lovers as well - you may even consider swinging if he is interested.

Bear in mind that most of the men who post here enjoy the idea of their wives having sex with other men - for whatever reason. Some men here are true cucks (with an element of a sort of sexualized humiliation that their wife is having to go to a "bull" for her satisfaction), others are "hot wife husbands" who just find the idea of their wives having sex with other men to be hot - perhaps joining in (MFM 3some), watching, or just hearing the play-by-play afterwards (maybe with some pics), and others like the stag/vixen model where the husband enjoys his wife having sex with others - but also plays with other women himself. A few of us, however, (myself included), were not so inclined but were convinced by our wives to give it a try and eventually came to enjoy it. Obviously, however, some men will never accept the idea - leaving you to divorce him, cheat on him, or enjoy your vibrator - just depending on what is right for you (and perhaps how it might affect your child if you should split up). Good luck!

[leggysman]

How do I even bring this whole thing up without him blowing up.

I just want to see how I can bring it up subtly without him going crazy.

This language is slightly concerning, but since you say the marriage is good, I'm going to assume he's not so volatile you're worried about your safety or anything. Blowing up, going crazy, and asking for a divorce -- something like that?

You say you reassure him that you're satisfied in bed. Sounds to me like coming clean about that might be a decent enough place to start. It seems so difficult for couples to talk about anything sex-related that might be awkward. He thinks he satisfies you? You should tell him gently but frankly that he mostly doesn't, as a Step 1.

If this is really news to him, I think his feelings will be hurt, naturally (and you haven't been honest with him in the past, to avoid hurting his feelings). Beyond that, how he reacts to this admission will tell you some things. Acting insulted, being defensive/accusatory, withdrawing affection, retaliating by saying something hurtful about you -- these would be some of the bad ones. Something more along the lines of "I had no idea, let's work on it, I want to get better" (and then following through somehow) would be some good ones.

But either way, if after telling him, you still want to explore non-monogamy, you'll probably have a better idea about whether you might be able to do it ethically. If so, you've set the stage for the next conversation.

[OZCPL]

Even though it's not the case I have always ensured to tell him that I enjoy it with him. Everytime we are done I tell that was amazing and I felt great and stuff like that even though that may not be the case. Massaging the ego one might say. Certainly the child and marriage are paramount and come first before everything else and there is no argument there. I am happy to follow any rules as well. I just want to see how I can bring it up subtly without him going crazy.

COMMUNICATION
Telling him it was amazing is not really true.
To have good communication I would think you need to make positive comments that are basically true.
Why would he want to make any changes to his sexual performance if he believes he is perfect.

You are getting a lot of advice here. Maybe you should sit back and think about a lot of it and how it could apply to your senario before deciding on anything. You said you are not in a rush.

If the poor guy is worn out from a hard day at work and has little time left for sex it's no wonder he will not perform well. He could probably do with a holiday and some exercise to keep fit. Could you organise a trip to a beach for a couple of weeks, maybe a clothes optional beach where he could appreciate his beautiful wife in a micro bikini or nothing at all. Would you be prepared to dress like that, for him, if he agreed to go to such a place. Maybe he will also admire you for the attention you attract from other cute guys.

Probably you could remember what a number of people have said, in that, you should fix the marriage before considering involving others in your relationship. Small steps to start.

[RetiredSnowbird]

You said your husband watches porn. If so, any idea as to what he likes to see the most? I’m assuming you would like to do a threesome with two guys. But what about an FMF with him and another woman? The reason I ask this is that a lot of men, especially those guys who feel possessive of their wives fantasize about having sex with two women, and I’m wondering if your hubby falls in that category. In which case could that be an avenue to explore with him? I’m of the opinion that anyone watching porn regularly either wants to screw another woman, to screw another man or both. If he admits to being interested in an FMF could you do one at least for his sake? And could you then gradually get him to accept that you have similar fantasies about another man?

[MonaLisaOverdrive]

How do I even bring this whole thing up without him blowing up.

I just want to see how I can bring it up subtly without him going crazy.

This language is slightly concerning, but since you say the marriage is good, I'm going to assume he's not so volatile you're worried about your safety or anything. Blowing up, going crazy, and asking for a divorce -- something like that?

You say you reassure him that you're satisfied in bed. Sounds to me like coming clean about that might be a decent enough place to start. It seems so difficult for couples to talk about anything sex-related that might be awkward. He thinks he satisfies you? You should tell him gently but frankly that he mostly doesn't, as a Step 1.

If this is really news to him, I think his feelings will be hurt, naturally (and you haven't been honest with him in the past, to avoid hurting his feelings). Beyond that, how he reacts to this admission will tell you some things. Acting insulted, being defensive/accusatory, withdrawing affection, retaliating by saying something hurtful about you -- these would be some of the bad ones. Something more along the lines of "I had no idea, let's work on it, I want to get better" (and then following through somehow) would be some good ones.

But either way, if after telling him, you still want to explore non-monogamy, you'll probably have a better idea about whether you might be able to do it ethically. If so, you've set the stage for the next conversation.

This is the best advice in this thread.

[MonaLisaOverdrive]

One of the biggest pieces of advice that many couples give to (usually) men on this website is, once you broach the subject, give it time to settle.

Most people seeking advice here are men. They have usually spent years resolving the situation and the their feelings about it by the time they bring it up to their wives. So when their wives are anything other than enthusiastically unaccepting of their kink, they get over excited and push too hard. Ultimately turning their wives off the subject for years, or even forever.

Even men that have received "No, no, absolutely no EVER!" Have eventually had their wives approach them with a "yes" after years.

Usually the advice is to "let the idea settle."
- Don't bring it up again and your partner will turn it over in their minds and consider the pros/cons.
- Eventually they may have questions. Have answers ready
- Continue to not push the idea
- Reinforce their sexual identity and support them

This process may take months, years or never happen. But the main idea to take away is that even if your husband doesn't immediately turn you down, you may need to give him some time on his own to become adjusted to the idea in his own mind.

[RetiredSnowbird]

Excellent advice from MonaLisaOverdrive.