Advice for next step

[patw3268]

So my wife and I enjoyed the Hotwire fantasy for a couple weeks and she suddenly backed off firmly. It has been 6 months since and she moved on. I was deviated at first and she still knows it’s my obsession but we both understood each other which as most of you know, is a good feeling albeit not what I hoped for. Then all of a sudden last week when we were having sex and doing dirty talk, she said maybe one day when the kids are older and only if it happened naturally.

I don’t see it am happening naturally because she’s not an outgoing person and she’s very shy around men. our kids are very young 5 and 7. Here is my idea and need your advice. I thought about going on Ashley Maddison to find a bull and introduce her as my friend that happens to be an expert at something (shooting, golf, tennis etc) and he would be our instructor and make some passive compliments about her soft skin when teaching her form.

Am I going too far?

[hubudig2]

Bad idea.
Trust and honesty are key.
You can't go into these things resting on a foundation of lies and deceit.

[Bluetoed]

If she figures out that it was your ruse, it won't end well.

[Statein88]

If she said “maybe one day”, she hasn’t ruled it out. With many women, from everything I’ve seen, they are sometimes slow to warm up to the idea, but often do so over time. For some that’s weeks or months, for many it’s years.

Don’t push it too hard, give her space. Be loving, attentive, and enjoy sex with her without the fantasy as well. Don’t make this a “make or break” thing for either of you. Work on communication, introduce other fun things in the bedroom. It seems like many husbands push for this way too hard and way too fast, and it has the opposite effect.

In short, she’s just not ready. Let that be okay. Doing anything based on deception won’t work out in the long run. I know it’s probably not what you want to hear, but in time she may surprise you. Give things room to breathe and enjoy the ride.

[philxxo]

You should never try to get into this with trickery. It will not end well. You want her to want this for herself, not just for you.

[Mumfred]

So my wife and I enjoyed the Hotwire fantasy for a couple weeks and she suddenly backed off firmly. It has been 6 months since and she moved on. I was deviated at first and she still knows it’s my obsession but we both understood each other which as most of you know, is a good feeling albeit not what I hoped for. Then all of a sudden last week when we were having sex and doing dirty talk, she said maybe one day when the kids are older and only if it happened naturally.

I don’t see it am happening naturally because she’s not an outgoing person and she’s very shy around men. our kids are very young 5 and 7. Here is my idea and need your advice. I thought about going on Ashley Maddison to find a bull and introduce her as my friend that happens to be an expert at something (shooting, golf, tennis etc) and he would be our instructor and make some passive compliments about her soft skin when teaching her form.

Am I going too far?

I agree with the others. Introducing deception is not good.

The "happen naturally" thing is frustrating. It's like saying, "I'll eat pizza but only if it happens naturally. We can't order pizza or go out for pizza but if it shows up on our doorstep I'll eat it."

[hubudig2]

The "happen naturally" thing is frustrating. It's like saying, "I'll eat pizza but only if it happens naturally. We can't order pizza or go out for pizza but if it shows up on our doorstep I'll eat it."

Good analogy.

Knowing how many wannabes there are in this situation, I often wonder how many couples I see out in public are just waiting for this with no signal to say they are waiting for it. Then I consider that I'm also not giving any signal that I'm looking for them.
The chances of anything happening naturally like that are practically zero.
I always feel like we need some secret signals but then it would no longer be "natural". Catch 22.

[Mumfred]

The "happen naturally" thing is frustrating. It's like saying, "I'll eat pizza but only if it happens naturally. We can't order pizza or go out for pizza but if it shows up on our doorstep I'll eat it."

Good analogy.

Knowing how many wannabes there are in this situation, I often wonder how many couples I see out in public are just waiting for this with no signal to say they are waiting for it. Then I consider that I'm also not giving any signal that I'm looking for them.
The chances of anything happening naturally like that are practically zero.
I always feel like we need some secret signals but then it would no longer be "natural". Catch 22.

I wonder is this just another way of the wives saying it ain't going to happen.

[Her number1]

The "happen naturally" thing is frustrating. It's like saying, "I'll eat pizza but only if it happens naturally. We can't order pizza or go out for pizza but if it shows up on our doorstep I'll eat it."

Except for those who do it "naturally" all of the time.

[patw3268]

The "happen naturally" thing is frustrating. It's like saying, "I'll eat pizza but only if it happens naturally. We can't order pizza or go out for pizza but if it shows up on our doorstep I'll eat it."

Good analogy.

Knowing how many wannabes there are in this situation, I often wonder how many couples I see out in public are just waiting for this with no signal to say they are waiting for it. Then I consider that I'm also not giving any signal that I'm looking for them.
The chances of anything happening naturally like that are practically zero.
I always feel like we need some secret signals but then it would no longer be "natural". Catch 22.

I wonder is this just another way of the wives saying it ain't going to happen.

Yeah. That’s the dilemma I face. It ain’t going to happen unless I create a scene. I don’t think she would be too upset if she found out I tried to find her a boyfriend. The hardest part would be trying to find a guy who’s extremely patient.

[leggysman]

But she also said: "when the kids are older", which presumably means: not yet

I think you have to be patient. Maybe someday she'll want you to set her up with someone, but the way to get there is by talking to her. Not subterfuge.

Maybe you could get her interested in your kink, intellectually? As a way to better understand you? I think it helped leggysandy to visit this site; to see that other normal-seeming women are doing it, and that lots of men share this kink - it's not even all that unusual. That might get her wheels turning, now or somewhere down the line.

P.S> you might want to mention to her that it's a bit easier when the kids are younger. They're less savvy and less prone to curiosity about where Mummy is really going.

[Shiphead]

I always feel like we need some secret signals but then it would no longer be "natural". Catch 22.

Buy her an ankle bracelet? Will she turn down a nice gold bracelet?

[azcouple4fun]

Get a dildo if you dont have one and introduce it when you both are horny and doing your thing. Make comments like, you enjoy watching her take a big cock and ask her how it feels having two cocks at once. Take it slow. Thats how we started 20 yrs or so ago. A lot of women think you will want to see other women or wonder why you are turned on by this so take is super slow as I said and be prepared for some pushback, as you've already seen. If she is open to the small steps you can slowly build on those. As others have said, building this on trust is key. Tell her how much you love watching her, build her up and make her want to do more, it will come in time.

[philxxo]

Get a dildo if you dont have one and introduce it when you both are horny and doing your thing. Make comments like, you enjoy watching her take a big cock and ask her how it feels having two cocks at once. Take it slow. Thats how we started 20 yrs or so ago. A lot of women think you will want to see other women or wonder why you are turned on by this so take is super slow as I said and be prepared for some pushback, as you've already seen. If she is open to the small steps you can slowly build on those. As others have said, building this on trust is key. Tell her how much you love watching her, build her up and make her want to do more, it will come in time.

This is great advice. Take the long game if you have to, and most seem to.

[patw3268]

But she also said: "when the kids are older", which presumably means: not yet

I think you have to be patient. Maybe someday she'll want you to set her up with someone, but the way to get there is by talking to her. Not subterfuge.

Maybe you could get her interested in your kink, intellectually? As a way to better understand you? I think it helped leggysandy to visit this site; to see that other normal-seeming women are doing it, and that lots of men share this kink - it's not even all that unusual. That might get her wheels turning, now or somewhere down the line.

P.S> you might want to mention to her that it's a bit easier when the kids are younger. They're less savvy and less prone to curiosity about where Mummy is really going.

Good idea. She has read some stories with me in the past but those were fictional. Getting in here in here is probably the next logical step.

I know she’s interested but I’m feeling really stuck on how to make fantasy reality. When we were having sexy time on Saturday I asked her to picture the man she really wants to fuck and she immediately came so hard, twice. I didn’t push it further than that and she still hasn’t told me who it is. She didn’t bring it up again.

We are struggling with dildos because they don’t feel real to her.

Also, our kids are very much needing mommy phase. I think she’s waiting for the teenage years for our kids but that is a good point how observant they will be by then. It seems there is never a great time to begin a new adventure.

[Shiphead]

Mumfred, "I'll eat pizza but only if it happens naturally. We can't order pizza or go out for pizza but if it shows up on our doorstep I'll eat it."
Gotta agree with others. Great analogy.
BTW, your pizza should be there soon. We all chipped in.

[Seductionrules]

To continue the analogy maybe you should live next to a pizza shop.
My wife said she would do it if the right man came along, but doesn’t put herself in situations where that could happen.
Maybe if you had a hobby that came across eligible men and brought them home as your friends / acquaintances then she would get to know them and opportunities would present.
Don’t tell the men about wanting a hotwife - that will go wrong (trust me I know), but a subtle hint like she likes attention and flirting maybe enough to get your wife interested without appearing like a set up
Just a suggestion.
R

[Mumfred]

BTW, your pizza should be there soon. We all chipped in.

Thanks!

[Mumfred]

To continue the analogy maybe you should live next to a pizza shop.
My wife said she would do it if the right man came along, but doesn’t put herself in situations where that could happen.
Maybe if you had a hobby that came across eligible men and brought them home as your friends / acquaintances then she would get to know them and opportunities would present.

It would be nice but I think it would be hard to convert. The general societal rule is that you do not fuck friends of married acquaintances. While this certainly happens I don't think most people would want to be involved with a person that breaks this rule without their explicit permission.

[CuriousCpl2]

That seems like pretty standard advice from Mum. It's probably a bad idea to get friends involved for numerous reasons imo. Of course we are also new to this so take that with a grain of salt

[TheRealMrs]

So my wife and I enjoyed the Hotwire fantasy for a couple weeks and she suddenly backed off firmly. It has been 6 months since and she moved on. I was deviated at first and she still knows it’s my obsession but we both understood each other which as most of you know, is a good feeling albeit not what I hoped for. Then all of a sudden last week when we were having sex and doing dirty talk, she said maybe one day when the kids are older and only if it happened naturally.

I don’t see it am happening naturally because she’s not an outgoing person and she’s very shy around men. our kids are very young 5 and 7. Here is my idea and need your advice. I thought about going on Ashley Maddison to find a bull and introduce her as my friend that happens to be an expert at something (shooting, golf, tennis etc) and he would be our instructor and make some passive compliments about her soft skin when teaching her form.

Am I going too far?

I agree with the others. Introducing deception is not good.

The "happen naturally" thing is frustrating. It's like saying, "I'll eat pizza but only if it happens naturally. We can't order pizza or go out for pizza but if it shows up on our doorstep I'll eat it."

Hey, the DoorDash guy came to our house recently and we hadn’t ordered anything. Don’t rule it out - it could happen!

[Mumfred]

Hey, the DoorDash guy came to our house recently and we hadn’t ordered anything. Don’t rule it out - it could happen!

That is a new kind of DoorDash delivery

[Yourfirstbull]

As a bull, I might be able to offer a unique perspective because I've talked with different wives about this -- wives that mentioned initially to their husbands to that it had to be natural, but we ended up being introduced through a site or app.

The reason for the "natural" element of it is that perhaps it will be a guy from work, or a neighbor she meets, or just someone that she falls organically attracted to, rather than the idea that a faceless, nameless cock sourced online is going to turn her on.

I've been fortunate in that it doesn't turn me on to be a nameless faceless cock, and I prefer to establish a connection, even if it's going to be a one night stand (though really the one night stand are usually just if people are traveling), So those type of wives and I seem attracted to one another and establish that via messaging, flirting, and meeting up for a coffee vibe check (though, if we're meeting up for coffee...we're going to end up fucking).

I think the way that you can still make an online search work is if she knows that you were chatting online (Not even necessarily looking) and then you establish a rapport with a guy that you can introduce her to. However, if she doesn't know you're chatting online please do not try to set up a fake organic meet (have had hubbies reach out and ask if I will seduce their wife at a bar – that sort of planning is just so the opposite of organic that it actually feels kind of predatory and creepy, rather than guiding and sexy).

[bbarnsworth]

Even if you don't think she would be too upset if you did a setup without her knowing, I strongly advise against this. This can go south very, very fast and result in her never wanting to try it again.

Hotwifing it built on trust and open communication. It's a journey you do together, not one where you set her up without her knowledge.

I agree there really isn't any "good" time to start this. Early on in our marriage when I suggested doing something risque with my wife, she would say something similar about putting it off until we were older, kids were older, etc. Thing is, time is fleeting. Put off life and life passes you by. When you do get older, and the kids are teenagers, your wife might say something like "Let's wait until we're empty nesters in a few years" then it's another 10 years because one or the other kid didn't leave home when you expected. Life is too short for such things. NOT that that is a reason to try to pressure your wife. Far, far from it. It's a reason to approach life with vigor, and to make the most of life. Tomorrow isn't guaranteed.

Keep building on conversations with your wife. Don't focus every love making sessions with her on it. Discuss out of the bedroom too, but don't overwhelm her. Patience can be hard, but be well worth it.

[patw3268]

As a bull, I might be able to offer a unique perspective because I've talked with different wives about this -- wives that mentioned initially to their husbands to that it had to be natural, but we ended up being introduced through a site or app.

The reason for the "natural" element of it is that perhaps it will be a guy from work, or a neighbor she meets, or just someone that she falls organically attracted to, rather than the idea that a faceless, nameless cock sourced online is going to turn her on.

I've been fortunate in that it doesn't turn me on to be a nameless faceless cock, and I prefer to establish a connection, even if it's going to be a one night stand (though really the one night stand are usually just if people are traveling), So those type of wives and I seem attracted to one another and establish that via messaging, flirting, and meeting up for a coffee vibe check (though, if we're meeting up for coffee...we're going to end up fucking).

I think the way that you can still make an online search work is if she knows that you were chatting online (Not even necessarily looking) and then you establish a rapport with a guy that you can introduce her to. However, if she doesn't know you're chatting online please do not try to set up a fake organic meet (have had hubbies reach out and ask if I will seduce their wife at a bar – that sort of planning is just so the opposite of organic that it actually feels kind of predatory and creepy, rather than guiding and sexy).

Thank you for the excellent advice. Wish you lived in Florida!