"Why would a guy want his wife to sleep with another man"

[roadrunner]

Gentlemen,

Give me a little credit here. I was involved with one of the surveys and we did have our methodology verified by two different independent organizations. It always amazes me that whens stats go against a persons practices then they must be wrong! Two things abouts stats, 1 they are never perfect and two they are not personal. If you are happy and succesful in what you do then thats great. I just point out pitfalls to people who might want to get into the alt lifestyles. They are adults and can make thier own decisions. I find it kind of ironic that although I have spent the last 20 years of my life trying to help people with alt styles and people just so you know it's not always about saying don't do it, more how to do it and be happy, that I get attacked most by the very people that I try to help.

Be Well

Attacked? I didn't see *you* getting attacked. We were questioning the source and accuracy of your statistics. You quoted a figure, but gave us nothing on which to judge its accuracy. Questioning that is nothing personal.

Now you tell us that you were involved in one of the studies, and that its methodology was reviewed, but you *still* haven't presented us with the particulars. Since you were involved with one of the studies I would expect that you would could give us the details. Until then it's just an unreliable guess to me.

[oscar9]

Just my two cents, but I've been in this lifestyle (sorry, we) for close to 16 years, and I don't know one couple that is in either the swinging or hotwife lifestyle, that has gotten divorced. However, I know many mono couples that have split because of cheating and infidelity.

These are my personal "stats" and are obviously not scientific.

[zorro]

It always amazes me that whens stats go against a persons practices then they must be wrong!

I don't recall saying your findings are "wrong." But to understand them and the limitations of the conclusions, it is necessary to see how the study was done.

You are right, however, that it would be sobering for all to know if it is true that hotwifing raises the risk of divorce. So, please give us the citations or a detailed review of your work so we can judge it for ourselves. This is no small issue.

[magallag]

With all due respect,

Where is it published?

and

Who funded it?

[rypmar7]

Gentlemen,

Give me a little credit here. I was involved with one of the surveys and we did have our methodology verified by two different independent organizations. It always amazes me that whens stats go against a persons practices then they must be wrong! Two things abouts stats, 1 they are never perfect and two they are not personal. If you are happy and succesful in what you do then thats great. I just point out pitfalls to people who might want to get into the alt lifestyles. They are adults and can make thier own decisions. I find it kind of ironic that although I have spent the last 20 years of my life trying to help people with alt styles and people just so you know it's not always about saying don't do it, more how to do it and be happy, that I get attacked most by the very people that I try to help.

Be Well

I appreciate your input and would like to see more from you.

[abhiandpreeti]

Mr. Mod, Sir, do you think the original thread is getting hijacked? Does this topic deserve a separate heading?

[o1sunbeach]

While I would not recommend this life style to anyone I would say that it has worked very well for us. We are into our third year and have found no negatives.

[Boofer]

Don's imput, much like his stories was Bon Apetite. Realistically, you can't come in here with anti-hotwifing %, and no, locked in stone facts, without hitting the wall.

A note of interest however, is the age and relationship background of interested members. I was scrolling down the "where are you from" thread, and surprisingly found Boofer with his own generation. Hello! Albeit a more 80's crowd than 60's. Many who have gone thru divorce, different relationships, but sexually adventurous.

Can we derive anything from this? I do notice the verified members, the people with tons of posts, are an older pod. Seems the younger generation marry for the old school tradition, while many of us old cads and cadesses begin to explore in our later years. Perhaps the younger generation will arrive here in time, after divorce or longing for something missing in their sex lives. But it does bring up the subject of "what is relationship fulfillment," and where does success and failure begin and end?

Boofer

[Mr_Butterfly]

Boof..

I gotta party with you dude.

I'm not really concerned about nay sayers. Nuf said.

Now, last night reaffirmed everything that we began however many months ago when Mrs B became a hotwife. We met a new Gentleman whom she had been corresponding with for several weeks. He joined us for dinner at an upscale Italian restaurant where we talked about everything except hotwifing and then we all three retired to a comfortable hotel room where we proceeded to treat my beautiful wife to several hours of sensuous play. I tend to stay on the fringes of the MFM, but I do get in my licks. We arrived home last night after midnight and my awesome wife was ready for more!

She had not spoken to him about any particular "endowments", but I must say she was pleasantly surprised. He turned out to be even more of a gentleman in person than he was in correspondence, which makes it all that much better. We brought a new lover into the circle last night and I, for one, am pleased with the results. As I watch her sleep this AM, with a pleasant smile on her face, I can almost perceive a glow about her... is it my imagination? or am I just liv'n the dream.

[mdcucked]

I'm always struck by how intense this discussion becomes. Perhaps it's because all of us, to one degree or another, have struggled with our feelings about this -- and some of us feel very invested in the conclusions we've come to. I'm convinced that there isn't a "one size fits all" explanation of why some husbands are into this. However, my wife and I did spend time with a therapist talking abut this and I can tell you what seems to be the case for me.

First, I should say that my wife and I first began couples therapy to deal with an array of issues that evolved after our kids came along: a lack of intimacy, resentment, a feeling that our relationship had, somehow, been consumed by the responsibilities of parenthood. Of course, our sex life had tanked along the way.

Over the time we were in therapy my wife revealed to me that she'd had a brief affair a couple of years earlier. I wasn't angry, or even particularly hurt. I immediately told my wife I was okay with her seeing other guys, provided I knew about it -- no secrets. The idea of her seeing other guys wasn't a huge turn on for me before she told me, but it was after -- it really pushed a button. As you might expect, she was startled by my response and, my assurances to the contrary, immediately assumed my response was designed to get her okay for me to see other women (which, in the case of most husbands like us, it wasn't).

This began an ongoing discussion with our therapist about why I was excited by her being with other men. In brief, she came to a couple of conclusions. The first was that I was clearly influenced by the fact that when I was young my parents marriage broke up over my mom's having an affair (my dad flipped out and the outcome was a real mess). Against that backdrop my therapist saw my supporting my wife seeing other guys as being in part an effort to recreate some of the circumstances that led to my parents break-up, but to make it a positive, rather than disastrous experience. Complicated? A bit, but what's key is that she (the therapist) thought that my doing so was healthy (though not without risk since anytime a third person is involved in any relationship the outcome can't be predicted).

Another factor in my craving for my wife to become more a hotwife is my being bisexual. Though it's been many years since I've been with a guy, she speculated that, on one level I do get a vicarious thrill out of my wife having sex with other men. I don't doubt for a second that there's something to that given that huge number of bi husbands I've encountered on the internet who are into this.

There are some other elements that seem to play into this for me, too. One of the big ones is that, in my younger days, I was pretty immersed in lefty, progressive, feminist circles where being non-possessive and comfortable with a woman's sexuality was considered a real measure of someone's sophistication. Because of that, I never was as overcome with angst as many husbands are over whether my wife's non-monogamy made them less of a "real man."

Clearly, I don't claim that other husbands who enjoy their wives sleeping with other men have the same set of motivations as me. I just present this as an example of how one therapist looks at this. I should add, by the way, that this has really improved our sex life a lot.

[Mr_Butterfly]

We need one of those dead horse emoticons.

Try to get the subject back on topic and still people want to cater to this off topic discussion.

[mdcucked]

We need one of those dead horse emoticons.

Try to get the subject back on topic and still people want to cater to this off topic discussion.

Mr. Butterfly has informed me that his comment was directed at me. Next time I will avoid responding to the original question posed. My apologies for sharing some of my personal experience. I didn't realize that, by doing so, I was doing something he didn't approve of.

[Irwinhill]

mdcucked--Although I'm not bi, certain elements of your story resonate with me, particularly the part about having a jealous father. My father was so insanely possessive that-- even as a kid--I promised myself I'd be different when I got married. I didn't have an inkling that this would mean allowing my wife to be intimate with other men, but I realized that I didn't want to be possessive. And we know that overcoming possessiveness is a key step in establishing a HW arrangement.

Mr._Butterfly--I'm baffled by your response to mdcucked. What he wrote seems to me to be precisely on topic. He explained how it happens that he is OK with having his wife sleep with other men. He also added a surprising and interesting element that his therapist was supportive of this arrangement. Am I missing something in your criticism?

IH

[Mr_Butterfly]

IH,
I went back and read mdcucked's post more thoroughly and must admit that I was wrong.
I offer this open appology to MD.

The first time I read it I seemed to focus on his discussion of therapy and mistakenly concluded the wrong thing.

[Irwinhill]

Mr_Butterfly,

I have made the same sort of misreading a thousand times.

Upon reflection, I find that my comment was way too abrasive (as if any amount of abrasiveness could be a good thing).

I am a fan of your writing, so I'm glad we're on the same page at this time. I agree completely with your urging us to keep threads on track. Coherent discussions are so much more interesting and valuable. Earlier in this thread, a therapist created a detour with his comments about the negative consequences of the HW lifestyle. Clearly, he should have started his own topic. It's only an unfortunate coincidence that MD's story also involved a therapist.

OK, I'll shut up and welcome posts about the topic at hand: Why many of us are motivated to allow our wives the freedom of being intimate with other men. I have learned a great deal here, and--call me selfish--I want to learn more.

IH

[enduser]

This is a great thread, but it is also frustrating. I want my wife to have sex with someone else and she is not interested. Sigh. It is just impossible to deny the emotions. Its actually a need. You know like its physical.

EU

[Jimbo_McC]

I only found this site last night thought I might as well join in.
Lots of interesting idaes in this thread. As for me since as long as I can remember I have been interested in this unfortunatly I was never with a woman who would let go enough to live it.My first three long term relationships.there was not enough honesty in either direction. Nothing works without trust. My most resent partner (who I was with 22 yrs) and I had a lot of fun with fantasy & talking about her being with other men. over the years she slept with three other men once each, on the last occasion it was a three some but she really wanted to be on her own with this guy who was a friend of mine ,still is. That was 4 yrs ago. The problem was she wouldn't be honest about any of it so much so ,a couple of years back she tried to tell me that nothing happened with the first two guys. I know thats not true as I have spoken to both of these men and know what happened. Its not as if she was inhibited in bed with me or them because she wasn't. I can only assume it was down to her inabillity deal with it as it goes against her idea of what is MORALLY right. We broke up over it in the end as niether of us were having our needs met. In spite of this I know if I should wind up with someone new she will have to up be for this lifestyle or it will end right there. As for coments like you must be gay or a pervert no way It just turns me on soooo much i'm with prepubecent on this its just so much fun.Guess i've wittered on long enough for a first post. So live and let live.

[243]

One of the reasons this thread wanders is probably because nearly all of the 'WHYs' have been answered. At the risk of redundancy... Because: I get excited by it. She gets excited by it. I love her having pleasure. She loves me having pleasure from it. She loves having pleasure from it. Huge ego booster and motivates her self-care and exercise. It helps to settle male/male competition issues and creates a more cooperative erotic life. The whole mindset is something like a multidimensional vibrator...it just feels so good to be so close. A great portion of the world and society seems to be destructing. So very many of us want to keep on killing and dying - for 'country', glory, 'freedom', fun and $profit$. This feels creative. There must be something I have not included....

[Boofer]

"Must be something I haven't included?" A rebuttal possibly? Sit back down and let Boof make an almost Right Now post about Why? Peaches and Pound Cake, Matchmaking!

In my early years, just before the killin for Country years, my Church and pastor put Boof in charge of the youth group in hopes the Church would grow. It grew, but then an outcry of Why? as Boof went off to war and left the Youth group behind.

When I returned, a changed man, yet the Pastor failed to recognize that, so I became a fox in a chicken coop, with all the hot ladies. After tucking one away for myself, I shared with the brotherhood in Oceanside. Would Nancy be better for Charley, or maybe Charlene, her legs are long like Charlies.

As baad as this may sound in print, it wasn't baad at all, except for my fall from Grace to some degree. But fixin people up to date, ahmmm, and seeing how it worked out, knowing the intricacies of personalities gave me a rise. How does Matchmaking work into Why with a wife? Must I fill your canteens in the river for you also?

So after killin for Country, and recieving my profit on the books of a couple k and a new car, the fun was just beginning, I wasn't even married yet.

Boof

[hotwifeluvr]

I am a Therapist who treats Alt lifestyle patients exclusively. I have seen a lot of so called facts related here and I wonder where thay are coming from. The truth is if you are in a hotwife or cuckold lifestyle your chance of divorce goes to 75%. This has been verified more than once. You have the same stressors as a regular marriage plus the additonal ones. I am not saying you cannot be successful, you can but it is even more difficult. In my opinion you need a certain level of intimacy to stay married and that's what get threatened in most cases because you lose your sense of being special in your partner's eyes.

Since this has been "verified more than once", it would enhance your credibility if you would cite your sources. 75% sure sounds like a made-up guesstimate. In any case, even if it is accurate, it is meaningless. Because "B" follows "A" doesn't mean that A caused B. How do we know how many of those couples would have divorced had they been vanilla? It's not like you took a group of couples and randomly assigned some to be control and some to be HW couples.

As to intimacy and feeling special, the perspective you present would be one held by a vanilla male. The HW husband feels a tremendous sense of intimacy with his HW, because she shares with him something that he cannot share with the world. She does something for him that most wives won't do for their husbands. He adores her for that. If she and her FB become too close and the FB relationship encroaches on the primary relationship, that could indeed be problematic, but that is not what most HW couples desire and create.

However, there is a valid point to be made that there are risks involved in this. It is NOT for everyone, not even for everyone who is strongly attracted to the scenario. For some, it is better to keep it in a fantasy role. If both partners get into it, that can be very fulfilling, without the risks.

For some, and I would include myself here, it needn't be an ongoing "lifestyle" for the wife to act out. The thrill is there if she does it, even once. From that point on, it is verified as "real" and something that could really happen, and might happen again if the situation is right.

I think I speak for most of us HW fans when I say that when you smell the scent of another man's sex on your wife, and she looks into your eyes and shares with you the details of how he fucked her and how much she enjoyed his cock, in that moment you feel closer to your wife than you ever thought possible. It feels like what the "Vulcan mind merge" must feel like. And afterward, you adore her more than ever. Every time she smiles seductively at you or in some subtle way reminds you of how she brought intense excitement to your marriage by opening her legs to another man, your passion and adoration for her are renewed.

If she later falls under the spell of societal taboos and begins to feel guilty, THAT can be ruinous. But is it fair to call that the result of HWing?

[laura]

Yo, a mistake. Carry on.

L

[wifegoesbareback]

... Because: I get excited by it. She gets excited by it. I love her having pleasure. She loves me having pleasure from it. She loves having pleasure from it. Huge ego booster and motivates her self-care and exercise. It helps to settle male/male competition issues and creates a more cooperative erotic life. The whole mindset is something like a multidimensional vibrator...

This has to be right up there with one of the best quotes regarding the subject I've ever read.

[cum4me]

After reading this thread and it's clearly one if not the most commented on threads here. I've noticed one obvious reason absent from it. Whether were talking about Hot wifing, to some degree swinging and definitely Cuckolding two strong cultural aspects are evident to explain the "WHY" question. First all girls are brought up to be "good girls" not to wear their skirts too short, sit with your legs crossed, not to have sex before marriage, not to be provocative toward men etc. In other words not to be viewed as slutty or easy. Boys on the other hand are raised to always be strong and in control, the one that's in charge and dominant. And as a result in adulthood these ideas still resinates within us. So for both sexes, let's use Hot wifing since that's the forum this thread is in, it is the perfect fantasy for many of us made real. Allowing a typical woman or wife to be or act like a slut without the negative ramifications that has always come with it. She can be free to fuck a guy for the simple pleasure of having him take her or the enjoyment of sex for the sake of sex. Do things she wouldn't normally do, act in a way that's taboo, say things that are dirty, naughty even nasty and not feel ashamed of wanting a man other than her husband inside her. She can sexually express herself as a fully aware sexual being who's enjoying her woman-ness.

For a man and I'm sure this will be debated if not out right denied but to be dominated. No, not in the sense necessarily of being tied up and made to do things that a men won't do unless there's a gun to our heads. But think about it if a woman walks into our office or bedroom and orders us to strip and lie down, at first there may be that initial reaction, of what the fuck. Then as she grabs the family jewels, rips open our shirt, then pushes us down onto the bed and says I'm going to fuck you whether you like it or not...making her intent very clear. That is also domination my friends, sweet as it sounds. Now if a guy did that to a woman that would be considered RAPE but that's getting off topic. When you watch your loving wife with another man kissing, sucking and fucking each other, guess what again that's in it's own self allowed way being dominated. True in the sense that we are no longer the one that's "in charge" or calling the shots. The control freely as it may have been given has been transfered to her or him or them together. If she dates solo, oh yeah that is very much letting go of what we were taught growing up. There we sit wondering, waiting, a thousand thoughts running wild and colliding together in our head. The anxiety, the desire, all things that could be happening and none of it within our control to affect or stop. If that's not a form of domination, I'm not sure what is.

So why would he want his wife to sleep with another man, for the same reason a woman desires to do it. And what greater expression of love and trust could there possibly be between a husband and a wife. To give one's love the freedom to be what they're not supposed to be, or so says society yet secretly want to be, for a woman a slutty whore sometimes. And for us men the sense of not having to be in charge all the time, to give up control, to be in a sense dominated and still be loved and accepted by the one that we love the most. All without the guilt or judgment that would normally come with it. To be sexually alive and fully aware of ourselves with the safety and security of love's ultimate acceptance and understanding of one's needs and desires to be fulfilled and the craving satisfied.

[rypmar7]

I agree with the post above-well said.

[irisnme]

Excellent 'cum4me', well said!