My story

[SSQ]

let him down easy SSQ.

In theory, that's easy. In practice, I have NFC what to say to him. And what makes it worse is that his other recent interest pulled the let's be friends card on him too a week or so ago.

[SSQ]

So I had my date with Greg this weekend... pretty disappointed unfortunately. It looks like there's just a mismatch in sex and kink which is really sad since he behaved like the perfect gentleman and submissive, and I really enjoyed his company. He even bought me a small gift that he knew I had been wanting.

I wrote about it in more detail in my blog. It's going to be SO hard to let him down since I know he has his hopes up. And I still do want to be friends with him and I'd even be happy to fuck him when we hang out once in a while. I just can't see myself having a D/s relationship with him since there are too many compromises I'd have to make. And I really don't want to hurt him He's such a nice guy (and no, I don't mean that in the stupid Nice Guy (tm) way- I mean a genuinely nice guy that I care about).

If you really want to be a friend - can you fix him? Tell him why he's getting dumped?

When I was 18 I had an older woman, maybe 29, explain to to how the world works and how stupid I had been, in a nice way, up until that time in my life., it helped a lot!

It's not something that you fix; it's just an incompatibility. I am sure there are Dommes who are into his kinks- I'm just not one of them. There are definitely Dommes with a lower sex drive or to whom it doesn't matter as much if they get penetrative sex.

Other than that, he's a fantastic guy and he isn't doing anything wrong. He treated me exactly the way I want to be treated, down to the little details. I would have been happy to date him if even one of the sex or the kink was working, because I like him that much. But I can't manage with neither.

[mundyman]

I'm sorry to hear that SSQ as the buildup leads to a tremendous letdown in reality. I wish you wisdom and insight in dealing with Greg.
Is this not the part of this lifestyle we all acknowledge and yet try to ignore like the 500 pound gorilla in the room? That you vet your potential partners and as well as all seems to be going it still doesn't work out. That sucks!
I sense you know honesty is the best policy. Perhaps a frank, compassionate sit down with him is best. Could you possibly take him to a meet and greet with the hopes he would meet with those closer to his 'kink profile'? If that doesn't happen you maybe remain friends but then he is on his own otherwise.
Best of luck.

[SSQ]

Well, he texted me today and asked if we could discuss our thoughts about the weekend and where things were going. And yes, I do believe in honesty- I am not going to string him along because that's even more hurtful in the long run. But I also didn't want to hurt him because I like him very much.

So I told him that I think he's an awesome person and I really enjoy spending time with him, and that I haven't had a connection this good in a while, which is absolutely true. I said that I would love to be friends and keep up the benefits when we get together but that I didn't see this going in a D/s way because there just didn't seem to be enough overlap in terms of kink for us, and that we were looking for different things from parties and such (I like to play, he likes to be social). I asked him what he thought, and he said he could see that the BDSM just wasn't clicking to the extent we were both looking for and that he appreciated my honesty. He also said he'd still like to try some fetish activities (wax, electricity) if I was up for it and I said yes, I'd be happy to play with him. I even invited him to a local play party in a couple of weeks that John wasn't interested in going to, and he said he'd book a hotel for us afterwards.

Introducing him to other Dommes is problematic- there aren't a lot of "available" Dommes (and he's single so I know he'd prefer a single Domme anyway) and I don't know a single other one who isn't into at least some pain play. So it's not like I can hook him up with someone else. My town is small and I think I know most of the other female Tops, but hey, at least he'll get to meet some new people at the party.

I think that went about as well as it could possibly go. I do like him- I'm not trying to hurt him and I want to keep hanging out with him. I just don't think we're compatible enough for a real relationship in terms of what we both need.

So I dunno? Hopefully I didn't make him feel bad.

[SSQ]

Ah... feeling much more relaxed today. A longstanding FB of mine, actually the first one I wrote about here since we actively decided to pursue the lifestyle, came over for a visit and reminded me why I still like to see him So many orgasms...

I really, really needed that.

[mundyman]

[SSQ]

H is home! It's so good to have him back, even if it's only for a few weeks. We haven't been seeing much of each other later and it's been really, really good to reconnect.

The bedrocking sex has been a nice side benefit, though!

[SSQ]

I have had an awesome couple of days. I drove across the border to pick up some new BDSM toys that H said I could buy- I think I wrote about them earlier. I am so ridiculously excited to use them on Sunday! My friend and I spent the afternoon at the casino and I made a few bucks which is always nice of course.

After I dropped off my toys at home and kissed H goodnight, my friend took me to John's house for the night. It was so good to get back in his hot tub- I joked that I had missed it more than I missed him. And he was so thoughtful- he had washed the robe that I wear there after hot tubbing and it was fresh out of the dryer. Such a sweetie

Last night, we slept together, and he was at the bottom of the bed all cuddled up to my feet. He and I both have a foot fetish so it was relaxing and pleasurable for me.

I'm happy. Hadn't been able to overnight with him for a while, and it was really, really good.

I think tonight John is coming over and the three of us around going to hang out, play board games, and maybe watch a movie. Being poly is really awesome sometimes.

[SSQ]

Holy fuck, what a night. I got dressed up in a little red and black lace and PVC dress, fishnet pantyhose, and over the knee 6" stiletto shiny black platform boots.

Unfortunately John wasn't feeling well, but another friend of mine was there and she was up to playing. It was so awesome. Lots of people came up to me after the scene and asked questions or complimented me on the scene. I used my new toys, and since they are not made at one store in the world, no one had ever seen them before. It was so awesome.

I am still flying pretty high

[jane]

[SSQ]

Mmm. And I always want to fuck after a scene, and since John wasn't up to it... H just fucked me six ways from Sunday.

So good.

[SSQ]

Last night was a good night. Dinner, board games, booze (John's BIL makes an awesome chocolate cherry martini!), and naked hot tubbing at John's house He still wasn't up to play which was a little disappointing since I am craving some more, but next time!

It was still good to sleep wrapped in his arms.

H and I also had our first visit with a kink and poly friendly counsellor yesterday. We've been having some communication issues related to opening his side of our marriage, too. He's becoming more assertive and confident, which is great, except that he's also becoming that way with me

Either way, we have no desire to close our relationship, just gotta sort through the growing pains in these early stages. And it really is awesome to have a counsellor who is familiar with the lifestyle so we aren't being judged. I mean, even if a vanilla therapist keeps an open mind as they are taught to do, they really wouldn't understand why we live the way we do or what we get out of it. Thank goodness for the KAP Directory!

[MrsTruckstar]

Good for you SSQ.

[SmilingHusband]

Just have to say, I am a big SSQ fan.

carry on.

[SSQ]

Last night was the monthly BDSM munch and I had a great time as usual. I actually taught a class in how to use a violet wand in the afternoon which was a lot of fun. Electrical play is definitely my favourite activity because there are just so many possibilities! Honestly... I am thinking I might have to pick up a few shifts or find a sugar daddy because I love this stuff and I know I'll want to try more things in the future. Too bad electrical gear is so expensive!

But the munch was great. I was approached by several different people who expressed a desire for me to Top them with my new toys, which of course is really flattering. It's not the same as the high that comes with playing on an established partner where I can push things harder and let go, but it's still a lot of fun to play with this stuff! One of the people asking was a guy who I've always found really attractive, although unfortunately he's gay. But eh, it'll still be fun to play with him even if I can't fuck him

I seem to be back in a looking for women stage. Perhaps that's a need of some sort that I haven't really processed yet. Despite the frustrations with the last woman I fucked, I am still open to the idea of a female sub and it seems that I have been more interested in the women that I find lately than in the men. On OKC I am chatting with an extremely attractive woman who is interested in D/s, although we're still sorting out if we want the same things in a relationship since she's relatively inexperienced. On the other hand, I spent quite a while chatting with a beautiful woman who has spent nine years collared in a Master/slave relationship. I'm not sure if I want to get involved as the auxiliary Dominant partner of a slave because I'm not sure how much it would affect my relationship with her, but either way she's an interesting person, her Master is a bit gruff but was friendly, and getting to know people is never a bad thing even if it doesn't go anywhere.

In disappointing news, John has some stuff going on in his personal life, so BDSM has to take a back seat for now. I understand and want him to do the things that he needs to do, but I'm already missing the D/s and the ability to play hard on a partner. I mean, when I play with a new person, I always stop well short of whatever we discuss as limits because I don't want to get too caught up in what I'm doing and accidentally overstep. I mean, I'm sure that most times when people do go overboard it isn't because they are assholes, it's because it's heady and exciting and sometimes things go too far. Since I want to make sure I don't, I keep myself in pretty tight restraint until I know a play partner well enough to know where the line really is, and if our dynamic works well enough together so that I can play to the level that I want.

So, I'm back in the market for a new submissive. But the one thing I've learned from being poly is that someone new will come along. And in the meantime, I get to have a lot of fun and connect with awesome people.

[bubbajack]

Hope you find someone soon who can fulfill your desires, dear SSQ!

On the H front, have you perhaps poked a sleeping lion?

Interesting dynamics, for sure ... You are probably in for some very interesting sex, wouldn't you say?

[jane]

good luck looking for some new people.

[Truckstar]

SSQ. When you become super efficient at this BDSM. Is it more difficult to get subs that start from newbie?

[SSQ]

Hope you find someone soon who can fulfill your desires, dear SSQ!

On the H front, have you perhaps poked a sleeping lion?

Interesting dynamics, for sure ... You are probably in for some very interesting sex, wouldn't you say?

I don't see it that way. If fucking other women is going to make him happier, then I am all for it. After all this time, it's been easier to develop compersion for him. I mean, it must have been hard for him early on, too- but he gave me that gift because he wanted to make me happy. I know that he's mine, and fucking someone else isn't going to change that.

We have relatively few boundaries left in our marriage and I've been able to do what makes me happy for quite some time now. He doesn't even want to date; he just wants to feel confident and have the ability to pick up a woman if he wants to. And of course, kinky sex is awesome.

We have an interesting sex life, to be sure. And hey, I'd be up for a FMF with him and a girlfriend, or me and a girlfriend

good luck looking for some new people.

Thanks, Jane!

SSQ. When you become super efficient at this BDSM. Is it more difficult to get subs that start from newbie?

Truckstar, can you clarify what you mean? I'm not sure what you mean about super efficiency. As for newbies, I don't know what the ratio of new players to experienced ones is, but there always seems to be people who want to try things out. The concern there of course is that you invest your time into someone and then they realize this isn't for them, whereas if you Dominate an experienced submissive, you know that at least you have similar wants, right? Taking a newbie is more of a gamble and a lot more work. I also bend over backwards to make sure that the newbie gets out in the community and is exposed to other perspectives and such, plus I have to make sure I take them along slowly because they may not know where their limits are, where an experienced sub already knows their wants, desires, and limits.

[SSQ]

Is it just me or is BDSM really complicated?

There appears to be so much to familiarize yourself with that you spend a lot of time figuring everything out and so little time actually doing it.....AND that the biggest part of it is more mental than physical......am I right?

It's as simple or as complex as you want it to be, SC. Whatever the involved parties negotiate.

To me, yes the biggest part is mental, although I love the physical But as for so little time doing it... I am not a bedroom only Domme. I expect my relationship to be D/s even when we're doing vanilla things, within the limits we've negotiated. I need that, because Dominance is part of who I am. So it's not just the play for me. Sometimes it's as simple as having my sub refill my drink and stand patiently until I take it. Or sitting on the floor beside my feet while we watch a movie unless invited to sit on the couch.

So I wouldn't say I don't spend a lot of time doing it... I want it to always be present. It's one reason I feel the loss so acutely when I break up with a sub. I can still play casually with friends, but the thing I am missing that I really crave is the D/s. H and I do a little kink, but it's bedroom only, so I have to get my D/s needs met in a secondary relationship.

I have some play sessions lined up with friends, but right now I'm missing an outlet for my Dominance.

[Nice Smile]

Good luck, SSQ.

[SSQ]

I had an interesting chat today!

So H is out of town on another trip, and I texted a mutual friend to say hi, planning to ask if he wanted to set up a trip to the casino in a few weeks when kiddo will be visiting family. He texted me back "Your husband is a champion". So I played along and asked "of what?" He said, of sex. Umm... okay. So I play along and say yup, but I am surprised you'd know that!" Then he says "I could drive up there tonight to try and rival that title."

Now I'm like, what? I like this guy and get flirty but it seems way out of character for him to be that forward. He's also a boundary issue since he knows my husband professionally (we're personal friends though), and we had discussed that. So I took a screenshot of the texts and sent to H and asked WTF since I assumed something was up. Only for H to laugh and tell me the first comments were him using the friend's phone and only the last comment was a joke from our friend. I told him he took a big risk because I might have taken him up on it! He said he just would have laughed.

Either way, I thought it was funny. I have actually wanted to fuck this guy for a while, and H knows it... but I can respect the boundary deal. This friend is married and we actually attended the wedding, and I'm sure they aren't open. Drama llama.

[SSQ]

Lately it seems that I'm back mostly connecting with women again, as usual it feels like it comes in waves of one gender or the other, which is kind of weird. It seems to be funny how it goes like that. I've been chatting with a sexy woman on OKC and there's been some pretty good chemistry, so we're looking to explore it and see where it goes. I have a date with her on Wednesday

I'm not sure it will suit my needs entirely. She's married and poly but pretty introverted as well so she doesn't like daily communication and might not want to get together as often as I'd like for a secondary relationship. She's also relatively new to BDSM so we'd have to take it slowly. That I don't mind... I'm just not sure if I could have as intense a connection as I want with less communication, so we'll have to see.

It's funny, and I've been thinking about how I relate differently to male subs versus female subs. It's definitely a fact, although I am still thinking about why it is. I wrote a blog post about it and I'm still turning it over in my mind. Comments are welcome, of course.

[SSQ]

So, the date went well, I think. We went to one of those make your own frozen yogurt places and just chatted and got to know each other better. She told me about her marriage and boundaries, her other relationships, and her experiences with BDSM. It looks more like she's primarily experienced it as just rough sex, and not really as kink in and of itself, or as power exchange. While I enjoy that, after we went back to my house I took out my violet wand and showed her my other toys so she could see the kind of things that I am into. I like my BDSM relationships to cover a little more ground than that

Women are more complicated than men at times. I know she doesn't have a lot of experience dating women, and while we had good chemistry and connection, I didn't know if she was thinking of me as a friend, or a play partner, or something more. And since I'm the Top, I'm the one who is supposed to make the move LOL.

I had invited her to join me at a female Dominant party this Saturday as my guest (not as my sub, I made that clear) and I mentioned when I texted her in the evening that I'd enjoyed her company and was looking forward to seeing what she would wear to the party. She said she looked forward to seeing mine. So I guess I haven't struck out yet Have to see how it goes! I really do like her.

I'm less experienced with women myself, but it's a side of my sexuality I want to explore if I find the right connection.

[mundyman]

SSQ, I have always enjoyed reading your thread and blog as I find it an interesting and honest tale of your life's journey. I've learned so much from your thread as well as your reactions on other people's threads. Thank you for sharing.
There are two things that struck me on this page as I read it again while enjoying a couple of kick ass martinis on my deck.
1) Whenever you mention the monthly BDSM munch I have to chuckle. It's such an odd name for your get-togethers, especially in my buzzed state. The name strikes me as being very Sweeney Todd like or something out of a John Waters movie. I totally get what you're doing and why you do it, like I said in my 'relaxed' state it struck me as being somewhat humorous.
2) I almost, almost I say, spit my drink when I read this; "Women are more complicated than men at times." At times? Do ya think? I work closely with groups of females on a constant basis and have daughters of my own, good luck figuring out that puzzle. when you do please shoot me a message filling me in on the trick.
I love your insight SSQ and thank you again for sharing a part of yourself. I hope you take this in the goofy way it was meant.
Good luck on your new relationship, I hope it becomes all you want it to be and allows you to learn something new about yourself that you never knew before.