Ask a Hotwife Thread, to be answered by VHWs only!

[sextiescouple]

Dear hotwives,

When engaged in a lover, what are the signs that you pick up that he's about to orgasm? Do you react to that knowledge in any way, or just let him come?

[Hooker]

Funky

its a big change and how it evolves is dependent on each couple's approach, but you ask about the outcome and there are basically TWO

Presuming you go and actually explore and do

One is a strengthened bond. This has to do with total honesty of the couple, and the best of dialogues.

The other is big stresses that can end in divorce. They seem to be a direct consequence of the lack of the traits mentioned above.

Now....in order to be honest with your spouse the first step is understanding yourself what moves you and having strong internal dialogues. If you start being "honest" but base the whole thing on false premises it may very well hinder everything.

This is very basic, the rest you need to add yourselves. But follow these cardinal rules and you may very well do fine

[FunkyFreakynotFlthy]

Funky

its a big change and how it evolves is dependent on each couple's approach, but you ask about the outcome and there are basically TWO

Presuming you go and actually explore and do

One is a strengthened bond. This has to do with total honesty of the couple, and the best of dialogues.

The other is big stresses that can end in divorce. They seem to be a direct consequence of the lack of the traits mentioned above.

Now....in order to be honest with your spouse the first step is understanding yourself what moves you and having strong internal dialogues. If you start being "honest" but base the whole thing on false premises it may very well hinder everything.

This is very basic, the rest you need to add yourselves. But follow these cardinal rules and you may very well do fine

Well.... in all honesty.... as much as I like this.... I would not choose the potential of divorce over it. I skate a fine line with my wife. My approach is direct. I tell her what I want. But I also respect her. Therefore it's an interesting conundrum. Because I know that she does things for me simply because she loves me. And I've never been quite sure with this. I know that she responds "physically" at certain times. But that doesn't really mean anything. At least it doesn't necessarily mean she actually wants it.

Thank you for the advice. I suppose I kind of knew it already. But I needed to read it. Especially from someone with experience. I have decided to leave the ball in her court. I will withdraw this fantasy. And bury myself in her. If it's something she's interested in then perhaps she will nudge in that direction. But.... for the time being.... I will concentrate on building a new sex life without this fetish. Thank you for your time.

[Hooker]

Your attitude says a lot, you express love and care.

Nice to hear

[Utopia1]

Yes I agree with Hooker, your attitude is of great quality. Fantasy and reality is totally different worlds I have come to find out. I realize that seems to be a really "duh" thing to say, but honestly I've realized I could have NEVER predicted any of the feelings I have felt or any of the feelings my hubby has expressed. The most amazing thing about dipping your toes into this lifestyle is the unbelievable widening of communication that opens up between 2 people. Additionally the sexual connection and desire for your hubby/wife is beyond the most phenomenal high I ever experienced. I am not an experienced hotwife, I've had one date, and only have communicated with many others, yet even these minor events opened up a Pandora's box of intimacy between us, yet of course also some angst.

Best wishes in whatever you decide Funky. It's truly wonderful how your words show your respect for your wife, as well as love and commitment you hold very deep at the core! You're already doing well because I don't care what woman you ask, we revel in feeling cherished by our hubbys or life partners which peaks a confidence that I truly don't believe we can truly initiate on our own.

[irishnjguy]

Hello,
I am new to the site and learning by trial and error here, so please bare with me. I am looking for my first encounter with a hotwife and would like to know if you (the hotwife) actively seek someone out or do you rather be approached ?

[FunkyFreakynotFlthy]

Yes I agree with Hooker, your attitude is of great quality. Fantasy and reality is totally different worlds I have come to find out. I realize that seems to be a really "duh" thing to say, but honestly I've realized I could have NEVER predicted any of the feelings I have felt or any of the feelings my hubby has expressed. The most amazing thing about dipping your toes into this lifestyle is the unbelievable widening of communication that opens up between 2 people. Additionally the sexual connection and desire for your hubby/wife is beyond the most phenomenal high I ever experienced. I am not an experienced hotwife, I've had one date, and only have communicated with many others, yet even these minor events opened up a Pandora's box of intimacy between us, yet of course also some angst.

Best wishes in whatever you decide Funky. It's truly wonderful how your words show your respect for your wife, as well as love and commitment you hold very deep at the core! You're already doing well because I don't care what woman you ask, we revel in feeling cherished by our hubbys or life partners which peaks a confidence that I truly don't believe we can truly initiate on our own.

I think that goes both ways. Men like to pretend to be unflappable in a lot of ways. But we like being cherished as well. It's interesting that men and women tend to appreciate this in different ways. Women love devotion, admiration, etc etc etc. Men like to feel youthful, strong, physically desired etc. And of course we both feel both ways. We all desire these things in different ways and at different times. But generally speaking women are a little more heart and men are a little more body.

As far as things go with my wife... like I said... balls in her court. I see a lot of dudes on here post the most selfish stuff I could imagine. Like getting angry with their wives because they aren't doing the kink just how they like it. Getting angry because their wives are obviously retaliating against them in certain situations. All because they are Pressuring their wives to do things that clearly make them uncomfortable. It doesn't seem like they want a wife. What they want is a glorified sex toy. And then they come here to ask, "Gee what went wrong?" And of course that doesn't represent everyone. I'm sure there are a lot of people just like me who love and respect their wife. But this kink turns them on. And perhaps it turns her on as well. So it works. But I've seen more than one post where it appeared the husband was being very disrespectful to his spouse. Maybe I have a little perspective because I'm just looking for fun sex. I've had MFM threesomes in the past and I'd like to do it again. And I'm looking for a way keep my attention on her rather than straying toward others. I married my wife because I love her. And I'm not interested in making her into someone she's not. If I drop it altogether then she'll do one of two things.... she'll appreciate it.... or she'll miss it. Either of which suits me fine.

BTW I appreciate the fact that this has increased communication for you and your husband. I hope that continues and you are both very happy. Good luck.

[stonemtncouple]

I have a question to ask, Thank you for your comments.
"Do you feel used by your husband for his sexual fantasy realization? Or is being a Hotwife something you do for yourself and Hubby's erotic pleasure ? Did you feel "pressured" to try the Hotwife life or was it coaxing?

[Steenbok65]

How important is the reclaiming part for HW.
I can imagine that sometimes you're tired and satisfied or your pussy hurts.
Is it also emotionally important for a Hw.
Should it happen immediately or may it be the next day.

[wykedjasmine]

I have a question to ask, Thank you for your comments.
"Do you feel used by your husband for his sexual fantasy realization? Or is being a Hotwife something you do for yourself and Hubby's erotic pleasure ? Did you feel "pressured" to try the Hotwife life or was it coaxing?

Used???? Hell No. we do this as a couple and how can I feel used when i am allowed to play with guys I choose and get extreme pleasure from it. Now we are both 100% invested in this and communicate. For us, this is not only HIS fantasy realization. It is OUR realization together. We both enjoy it and I was never coaxed into it. i would never stand for that and neither would he do that. Now our first time was i nervous and needed his affirmation and a little assurance we were ok ...YES So that may y be considered a push but if I am not 100% comfortable I do not go there!

[wykedjasmine]

How important is the reclaiming part for HW.
I can imagine that sometimes you're tired and satisfied or your pussy hurts.
Is it also emotionally important for a Hw.
Should it happen immediately or may it be the next day.

We both LOVE the reclaiming sex after either of us has been with someone else. It is how we reconnect. At times I am sore yes...but we both need it and fortunately I am ALWAYS up for another orgasm!! timing depends...if we are with a guy all night it is obviously next day after we leave...but typically that night. I love fucking R right after r\fucking one of my boys....even right in front of them! They are usually spent by that point anyway and hey they get a free live porn show!!! no one has ever complained!

[Pinks Hubby]

Got a question for the hotwives who graciously share their perspective on things with the husbands on here.

If one were to say that a hotwife has a emotional and physical relationship with another man, there are probably different degrees of the physical relationship and emotional relationship. The physical relationship is what turns us husbands on, and that is the huge thrill for us.

Setting aside the physical relationship for a minute, the emotional relationship can vary greatly along the spectrum of FB to FWB, to lover. At the furthest end of the spectrum, we have read on here stories of even falling in love after months or years of having a physical and emotional relationship.

My question is, do hotwives internally struggle with having emotional feelings for more than 1 man? If so, what do you look for from your husband to help in that struggle?

My wife said in the beginning that she needed me to tell her that our marriage was still intact when she got home from a date, but that was at the beginning before any emotional relationships had time to develop. I compared this to my need for her to help me with my feelings of being excluded (angst) from time to time. However, I would like to be there for her if she is ever having her own "angst" about a growing emotional relationship with another man.

A deep emotional connection with another man is not an issue in our specific situation, and is only a burning question that has been in the back of my mind since we started this.

[jane]

i would say it would depend on the wife, and how many experience's she has had. some struggle more than others, particularly if it's new to them. the biggest thing I'd say we look for from out husband's is trust. most all of us that might end up with feeling's for a boyfriend never think about leaving our husband, but that is what the husband's think in a lot of cases. from what i have knowledge of over the years most wives compartmentalize feelings for different people , but a lot of the times the husbands become very jealous, and that's what leads to issues.

[Pinks Hubby]

Thanks jane. I have sometimes felt that the best thing that I could do for my wife is to get out of the way and let her go have her fun. Thanks for the tip on letting her know that I trust her.

I agree that jealousy is harmful to all involved, and not warranted in most cases.

[wykedjasmine]

My question is, do hotwives internally struggle with having emotional feelings for more than 1 man? If so, what do you look for from your husband to help in that struggle?

I have a little bit different take. I not only like that emotional attachment, but need it to feel connected to any regular partner. One night stands, casual hookups are not my thing. (not judging those than can do them, it is just not me). I am NOT going to say ALL women get an emotional attachment, but I would say most women develop at least some attachment to a regular partner. How can one not expect to? you are getting attention from this other guy, they sometimes wine and dine you and make you feel special! I think the minds of many women go there. Maybe not spoken outright but it is there. That emotional attachment makes the world of difference for me sexually! I do not have any internal struggles with having feelings for more than one guy, why...because my husband and I talk about it. He is always supportive and enjoys my relationship with others because it adds to ours. He trusts me and I trust him...why, because we had worked through it all. I know if he has an issue he will have no problem verbalizing it to me in a rational, calm manner so we can discuss it. He knows he is my priority and I his..in both words and deed. I would tell you yes, get out of her way and let her have fun...but only if you are both comfortable. but build the trust, trust each other to know at the end of the day you will be sleeping with each other...why because that is the foundation that allows you both have this wonderful lifestyle!

As some of you know we actually teach a kink class on Poly lifestyles and open relationships. I will put forth that jealousy is just an emotion...the emotion is not necessarily bad, but it is in how you deal with the emotion that is good or bad. Bad jealousy is driven my fear. Good Jealousy is driven by trust. Part of what drives many husbands of a hotwife is jealousy. Yes that angst they feel when their wife is on a date is jealousy! It drives you crazy but for many in a good way...At first though, it can be a beast that needs to be dealt with and discussed and come to terms with. And that reclamation sex after is driven at least some by jealousy of wanting to take your wife back from the other man. That jealousy can make my husband want to be more attentive to me as well, another good thing for us!! This is a two way street because when my husband is with another woman, it makes me want to be better for him as well! Actually for those in a more cuckold type relationship...jealousy is definitely what drives it. The teasing, the pics, telling the husband how good it feels, how much bigger it is etc etc is what turns both of the partners on. That is using jealousy in a positive way. We dealt with this with my first guy and now know the triggers good and bad for jealousy. We communicate and talked a lot about it for sure...now it is just something that is part of the play.

[Utopia1]

My question is, do hotwives internally struggle with having emotional feelings for more than 1 man? If so, what do you look for from your husband to help in that struggle?

This is a two way street because when my husband is with another woman, it makes me want to be better for him as well!

To further this question based upon wykedjasmine response (and thank you Jasmine), what is everyone's experience and what do all hotwives feel or know about themselves, do most women in this lifestyle find great excitement in sharing their husband too? I'm only curious as I've seen some husbands say she'd kill me if I was with another woman. Or he has no desire for more women. What is your experience? I have found I do not have the same excitement as my hubby does with sharing me so I still often wonder how uncommon I am. Maybe I should post a poll, or if anyone knows of one already submitted on this topic, please share. Thanks.

[wykedjasmine]

I love watching R with other women. How can i be ok with him allowing me to play and not allowing him. There are things other women can give him, especially with his rope, that I cannot...how could I ever deny him that. He too likes that connection and i am more than comfortable allowing it. I am very comfortable where we are and in our relationship. what does it say if he trust me to have other guys then i do not allow him...we are poly and that is a two way street. We know there are others who the woman only plays because the guy is not interested in other women. That is cool and fine....it is not how we operate.

[RMva]

First let me say thank you to all the hotwives for taking the time to answer our questions. I have read all of the questions and answers to this point and have a better understanding as a result. I don't think that I am looking for my wife to become a solo hotwife by that label itself but would not be opposed to it if that is where our adventures lead us. Let me explain, I love hearing and seeing my wife receiving pleasure but have only witnessed it as the one providing said pleasure. As such, the idea of watching her being pleasured by another man is a huge fantasy of mine but not because of the physical act, more because of a deep emotional desire to know that she is satisfied. We both had numerous partners prior to our relationship but have been monogamous since (9 years). We have as a result of business travel offered eachother hall passes but have never discussed if they have ever been used. Based off of conversations with my wife I/we have a few questions.

My wife requires an emotional connection in order to truly enjoy sex and doesnt think she could maintain that with two men at one time. How do you cope with or seperate the emotional connection with two men at the same time, especially in longer term relationships with BFs?

Did you feel emotionally like you were cheating on yout husband initially even though he encouraged it?

How many of you started off with the intent of becoming a hotwife vice simply fulfilly your husbands fantasy of seeing you with another man?

For those like SCS how do you mitigate the risk of this lifestyle impacting your professional work life?

Someone sggested reading the Anita Blake series. Are there any other books that any of you would recomend?

Thanks in advance.

[Hooker]

Does she have experience in this? The firm assertion that she requires an emotional connection with both seems to indicate she does, but in reality she probably does not.

So how does she know?

Many of us thought the same way, the concept is engrained. Then realized it was not the case.

This does not mean that its important to "like them". but.....

Dig further into this, and invite her to become a verified hotwife in this site, she would then have access and opportunity to chat with other girls privately

[MrsTruckstar]

Very well put H
We often imagine this whirlwind relationship in reality we just seek someone or something different and the emotional connection peters out

[RMva]

Ok so I didn't quite get her point across correctly. She needs a connection beyond just a physical attraction, meaning she has to actually like who the person is enough to want to be intimate with them. Her concern is that once the intimacy happens, an emotional connection could also establish, especially if with on BF over a period of time. Her experience is from her single days and she says without that connection it's very hard to be passionate because you're not really sure if you even like the person. She is contemplating the verification process but is hesitant to take that step. Why I am not sure. Hopefully I conveyed that correctly this time. Regardless she is still interested in our other questions as well. Thanks.

[wykedjasmine]

I think we need to define "emotional connection" (EC) and not fear what it is and can be. Are we talking that dreaded word "love" here as that is what I am reading into it??? We have ECs with many in our lives...husband, kids, friends, coworkers, on and on. I think the phrase emotional connection or the word love scares people. What is wrong with it? It is just a feeling like the myriad of others we face daily and the feeling is not bad or wrong, it is how we address it and deal with it...especially with our primary partners...just because I have an emotional connection does not mean I love my husband less...or I am leaving him...or one is better than other. If that connection is a form of "love" let me put it this way. We have love for lots of people and things. We love our husband...that is one form of love, we love our kids, love our friends, love our pets, love our house, on and on, they are all other forms of "love"...you get my point. There are many different levels and forms of love and it is infinite...we have plenty to share. I can have that lust and love on a level for another guy, it is just a different form of love ...we love others in different ways and still have plenty to share!!! I think it is more in how we communicate with our partners so all understand the boundaries and the realities of your situation. I also think it is in how we not only tell our husbands but show them love and affection when in that relationship with another guy. If you are always calling, emailing, texting the other guy at the expense of your husbands feelings and needs...then you get into trouble!!!! In our Poly class we always say you need to be sure everyone feels special!!!! So be sure husband still gets the love and attention from you ...and maybe go out of your way to do more to be sure he is secure in the two of you!

It has been my personl experience that I very much want an emotional connection because the sex is better for me! Is it emotional...or just a connection??? In my realm (Femdom Hotwife), there has to be trust and mutual consent...Building trust is part of that connection for me. BDSM brings lots of emotionas out for sure ! I am not one who can meet a guy, fuck and leave...it does nothing for me and leaves me kind of empty! That is not a judgement on those that can though, I know some others here do that and enjoy it...sometimes I wish I could. I guess that disqualifies me from being an escort or prodom *LOL I have to at least like the guy, be somewhat physically attracted and I have to want to enjoy him and have good conversation.....that to me is the start of an emotional connection on some level. The deeper the connection the more lust for me! I have found that when in that kind of relationship with another guy or girl, the emotional connection with my husband goes off the charts. I love him even more realizing how lucky I am he is comfortable enough in us and trusts me enough to play with other men and ENJOY it. It could be we have evolved into a poly type open relationship. We like our additional partners to invested in the relationship...emotions are part of that...Whether it is a form of love, lust, NRE, thrill of feeling a different guy pleasing you....it is all good to me....

Hope this all made sense! Its early! *LOL

[Mrs E]

My question is, do hotwives internally struggle with having emotional feelings for more than 1 man? If so, what do you look for from your husband to help in that struggle?

I used to struggle with this a lot, and still do at times, but a lot less than before. When we look first got started with this, I developed feelings for two men. It was confusing and worrisome to me. Mr E was kind, reassuring and helpful, particularly with the second man who I saw consistently for about six months. He told me he was not threatened by this, that he felt secure in our relationship and was excited about the things I was bringing back to our marriage by having outside relationships.

What I discovered along this journey, as a result of my emotional connection to those men, as well as becoming interested in BDSM that casual sex was far less what I wanted. We began talking about moving toward a more polyamorous relationship, and have moved toward that this year. (I realize that it's not strictly hotwifing but I think it has some useful lessons for everyone.) And Mr E continues to be very turned on by my having sex with another guy no matter my relationship status lol.

Mr E is not jealous or particularly insecure about our marriage and this makes things a lot easier. For us, it's not just "reclaim" sex; in fact we don't think about it that way, just that it can be very sexy for us to have sex after I've been with a lover. But whether we have sex right away or not, I am always careful to make sure we tend our relationship by not just sexy times, but by spending time together, communicating, checking in on how we're doing. Those are things we should always do no matter what sexual lifestyle we choose.

I think that we have all been taught, very erroneously, that we can love only one man (or person, as I think this works for everyone and every gender identity), and we think that if our partner does develop feelings, or even love, for someone else, they don't love us anymore. In fact the person falling in love might even feel the same way despite ample evidence to the contrary.

Surprisingly, this has been where I was, but through discussion with my husband - and a lifestyle friendly therapist- I realized I felt guilty about my developing attachment to one of my lovers and it was getting in the way of my relationship with both him and my husband. Seeing that has been an enormous relief and has helped me be more loving in general including my husband.

For a lot of us, male and female, if we have sex with someone over time, feelings of love, or at least deep affection, develop. It doesn't have to be a disaster - in fact it may be just the opposite. Your solution and relationship may be quite different but this is my experience and my philosophy.

[MrsTruckstar]

This is from another thread but the bit in bold is really for HWs
CLICK HERE for. How long in to your relationship?

When dd the hotwife lifestyle start? Do you think it would have worked if it started in the first year or two?

And one for the hotwives would you have trusted your partners motives if he shared his fantasy early on?

Am new here and just trying to figure out how I feel about it all so thank you in advance and hi!

[MrsTruckstar]

The question directly above. It was me that started it not him. OMG does that make me a whore? I hope so because I worked as a sex worker within my first year of wedded bliss and I loved it.

I'm not every woman, there are many more reasons out there.