Rules for hotwife ?

[wife4lends]

So we were discussing "rules" that husband's have for their wives before they go out as "hotwives" and we've never had any that we don't agree on but most have to do with safety and where I will be at a given time. As far as other things that I can do while I am out... We don't have any except that my hubby wants me to have fun

[ArizonaGuy69]

We have one rule, needs to text me where she’s at and that everything is good.

[iloanmywife]

We've gradually eliminated all of our original "rules" for her private play, except for one remaining guiding principle: Her safety is paramount. Everything else is a non-binding request (e.g., I request to try or at least attempt anything that she does with other men).

[Mkliny442015]

All our original rules went out the door, the only rule that really matters is safety which we both don’t even question. She tells me where she is where she is going and on the way home until she knows the guy for awhile. The only other rule , and it’s not so much a rule but a matter of respect is if my antenna goes up about a guy and I tell her to cut him off she does. Thats doe her sake though. The last guy she started talking to turned out to be a liar and also manipulative and I started to see it and demonstrated it to her and she cut him off before anything happened. The less rules the better it is in my opinion . She can have a steady boyfriend, actually we both prefer it at this point .

[Iahotwifeshusband]

We started with rules, but they all went out the window for a variety of reasons. At the end of the day, it is her body and she decides what, who, and how it happens. I am just along for the ride at this point. :-)

[kort677]

my wife's newest rule is that I can no longer watch, it sucks! but I don't get a choice

[Sub4her]

She made up a list of rules. Mainly for me though.

[SSQ]

Adults don't make rules for each other. They negotiate agreements based on their personal boundaries.

[R_H_NC]

And at the end of the day, a negotiated agreement, reached and agreed to based on personal boundaries could be looked upon as a rule.

If the negotiated, agreed upon boundary is broken the aggrieved partner says..." you violated a boundary". Couldn't that in all honesty, not getting hung up on semantics, be equally stated as " you violated a rule"?

I think the thing that lights hair on fire here, mostly among the HW's is the perception that 'rules' are imposed unilaterally by the husband. While in that case I would agree with a position to not support that, I believe that this isn't universally true and the word usage should be viewed in context.

[DaveS]

by SSQ » Sat May 01, 2021 1:40 pm
Adults don't make rules for each other. They negotiate agreements based on their personal boundaries.

And at the end of the day, a negotiated agreement, reached and agreed to based on personal boundaries could be looked upon as a rule.

If the negotiated, agreed upon boundary is broken the aggrieved partner says..." you violated a boundary". Couldn't that in all honesty, not getting hung up on semantics, be equally stated as " you violated a rule"?

I think the thing that lights hair on fire here, mostly among the HW's is the perception that 'rules' are imposed unilaterally by the husband. While in that case I would agree with a position to not support that, I believe that this isn't universally true and the word usage should be viewed in context.

Both great comments! Yes, fantasies aside, the "guidelines" for any type of consensually non-monogamous relationship are whatever the couple that is opening up agrees to - very much a negotiated agreement.

But I think that SSQ's point on rules vs boundaries is well taken - and a topic of frequent conversation in the realm of ethical non-monogamy. A rule implies that one is imposing their will upon another - whereas as a personal boundary states what an individual is willing to accept in their life. However, if the couple agrees on a specific "rule", and one partner violates that rule, it does seem the other should have the right to say "you broke the rule that we agreed upon". But ultimately what that partner does about the others' "violation" comes down to their own personal boundaries - are they willing to accept it - or do they walk away. Because they cannot "make" their partner adhere to the "rules" - even if they were both in agreement on them.

[Des 31]

I have read opinions that most couples should talk about rules before the wife begins dating other men.

That may be true for some, maybe most, but we didn't make rules. When I first suggested the idea to her, she did ask at least once how far she could go. My opinion at the time was that if we had set boundaries, she would eventually find herself in sexual circumstances that would cause her to break a few rules. When a couple is having sex, people do and say all sorts of things between them. For us, that turned out to be the right decision. No rules, just fun. Maybe the difference between us and some others is that we have good communication, trust, and are committed to our marriage.

It seems some people go into this to solve marital problems between the spouses. Experience has taught us that any couple with relationship problems should never consider this way of living. The reality isn't anything like the fantasy a husband may have before it comes about. The emotions that come about when having sex with almost anyone other than the spouse run high and deep, and in time an emotional bond develops between two people who have sex for an extended time. She has been involved with one man for almost four years now and another for about three. Most other hookups have been short term affairs, but even those cause couples to become emotionally close.

Her excitation is my excitation and she doesn't need to worry about my getting jealous or throwing a fit over some guy she is fucking or something she might do or say to him when she and another man are intimate. She and I like it that way.

~ Des

[Farmgirl]

I have read opinions that most couples should talk about rules before the wife begins dating other men.

That may be true for some, maybe most, but we didn't make rules. When I first suggested the idea to her, she did ask at least once how far she could go. My opinion at the time was that if we had set boundaries, she would eventually find herself in sexual circumstances that would cause her to break a few rules. When a couple is having sex, people do and say all sorts of things between them. For us, that turned out to be the right decision. No rules, just fun. Maybe the difference between us and some others is that we have good communication, trust, and are committed to our marriage.

It seems some people go into this to solve marital problems between the spouses. Experience has taught us that any couple with relationship problems should never consider this way of living. The reality isn't anything like the fantasy a husband may have before it comes about. The emotions that come about when having sex with almost anyone other than the spouse run high and deep, and in time an emotional bond develops between two people who have sex for an extended time. She has been involved with one man for almost four years now and another for about three. Most other hookups have been short term affairs, but even those cause couples to become emotionally close.

Her excitation is my excitation and she doesn't need to worry about my getting jealous or throwing a fit over some guy she is fucking or something she might do or say to him when she and another man are intimate. She and I like it that way.

~ Des

Des,
That is so wonderfully put, and describes how we feel as well.
Thank you.

[Des 31]

I have read opinions that most couples should talk about rules before the wife begins dating other men.

That may be true for some, maybe most, but we didn't make rules. When I first suggested the idea to her, she did ask at least once how far she could go. My opinion at the time was that if we had set boundaries, she would eventually find herself in sexual circumstances that would cause her to break a few rules. When a couple is having sex, people do and say all sorts of things between them. For us, that turned out to be the right decision. No rules, just fun. Maybe the difference between us and some others is that we have good communication, trust, and are committed to our marriage.

It seems some people go into this to solve marital problems between the spouses. Experience has taught us that any couple with relationship problems should never consider this way of living. The reality isn't anything like the fantasy a husband may have before it comes about. The emotions that come about when having sex with almost anyone other than the spouse run high and deep, and in time an emotional bond develops between two people who have sex for an extended time. She has been involved with one man for almost four years now and another for about three. Most other hookups have been short term affairs, but even those cause couples to become emotionally close.

Her excitation is my excitation and she doesn't need to worry about my getting jealous or throwing a fit over some guy she is fucking or something she might do or say to him when she and another man are intimate. She and I like it that way.

~ Des

Des,
That is so wonderfully put, and describes how we feel as well.
Thank you.

You, my wife, and I always seem to be on the same page.
~ Des

[curiouscouple1978]

In the begining we hd rules but now it seems most have went by the way side. From is talking and discussing and being open. Only one we have is if she is with someone new or going alone even if we have met the guy and she is at his place she sends me a pic of the house and vehicle before she goes in. But she has only done that once otherwise we are always together.

[kaskap79]

We have no rules when either of us is having fun with our lovers.

But we both know what the other one prefer us not to do.

But if it happens anyway in the heat of moment, then it is no big deal.

[Parsifal]

It's easy with this topic to get lost in the semantics of what's meant by the term "rules." Rules, guidelines, expectations can all be shades and phases of something quite similar, but the term expectations sounds so much softer and more accommodating. So yes, as a married couple with an outlet for her to engage in extramarital sexual adventures, we do live by certain expectations. It wasn't a free for all before we embarked on opening our marriage, and it isn't now. But like many of the commentators on this topic, we create open spaces with broad parameters. Openness, honesty, sharing of all aspects of what she's doing, respect for one another's feelings, sensing when it's better for us to give it a rest, decisions by consensus, taking care not to do things that inflict emotional harm on each other, avoiding selfishness - all expected ways of setting up the open space without needing a lot of intense micromanagement of it once one of our adventures gets going. I would say we do have rules for hotwifing, but we're past legislating and play more in harmony with what we understand to be the spirit of the law rather than the letter.

[Hot Wife Lois and Me]

I agree with Des and Farmgirl. I had not thought about the reason he mentioned that people get carried away while having sex and rules can be broken when that happens. I just didn't think about making rules. I am glad I did not.

Lois set a personal rule to phone me when she will be later coming home but that is about it for us.

[wny3somecple]

At first we really did not discuss rules, I think because we were too new and flying by the seat of our pants. Overtime we tried different rules that we felt were good ways to make sure we were both okay with anything that happened. Turns out most really were just guidelines lol.

Mostly now it is just safety measures to be sure she is safe.

Big one still in place is no romantic dating. If it came to a point she was developing romantic feelings then we would sit down and talk about it.

[wny3somecple]

It's easy with this topic to get lost in the semantics of what's meant by the term "rules." Rules, guidelines, expectations can all be shades and phases of something quite similar, but the term expectations sounds so much softer and more accommodating. So yes, as a married couple with an outlet for her to engage in extramarital sexual adventures, we do live by certain expectations. It wasn't a free for all before we embarked on opening our marriage, and it isn't now. But like many of the commentators on this topic, we create open spaces with broad parameters. Openness, honesty, sharing of all aspects of what she's doing, respect for one another's feelings, sensing when it's better for us to give it a rest, decisions by consensus, taking care not to do things that inflict emotional harm on each other, avoiding selfishness - all expected ways of setting up the open space without needing a lot of intense micromanagement of it once one of our adventures gets going. I would say we do have rules for hotwifing, but we're past legislating and play more in harmony with what we understand to be the spirit of the law rather than the letter.

Good response. One thing I have noticed is people often have different definitions and even different responses to words. Rules. Guidelines. Agreements. Expectations. Understandings. All might mean the same thing or very different things to different people.

Just as some people use different terms. Open. Sharing. Hotwifing. Etc etc. Others might not like some of those terms.

The important thing is everyone is on the same page and comfortable.

I also don't think any sort of understanding be high level. Trying to get too detailed to.me would be too much.

[DaveS]

It's easy with this topic to get lost in the semantics of what's meant by the term "rules." Rules, guidelines, expectations can all be shades and phases of something quite similar, but the term expectations sounds so much softer and more accommodating. So yes, as a married couple with an outlet for her to engage in extramarital sexual adventures, we do live by certain expectations. It wasn't a free for all before we embarked on opening our marriage, and it isn't now. But like many of the commentators on this topic, we create open spaces with broad parameters. Openness, honesty, sharing of all aspects of what she's doing, respect for one another's feelings, sensing when it's better for us to give it a rest, decisions by consensus, taking care not to do things that inflict emotional harm on each other, avoiding selfishness - all expected ways of setting up the open space without needing a lot of intense micromanagement of it once one of our adventures gets going. I would say we do have rules for hotwifing, but we're past legislating and play more in harmony with what we understand to be the spirit of the law rather than the letter.

Good response. One thing I have noticed is people often have different definitions and even different responses to words. Rules. Guidelines. Agreements. Expectations. Understandings. All might mean the same thing or very different things to different people.

Just as some people use different terms. Open. Sharing. Hotwifing. Etc etc. Others might not like some of those terms.

The important thing is everyone is on the same page and comfortable.

I also don't think any sort of understanding be high level. Trying to get too detailed to.me would be too much.

Good discussion - communication is definitely key. There is a saying in the poly community that the three rules of poly are: communicate, communicate, and communicate.

[wny3somecple]

Flexibility in your guidelines is important. For instance I have known couples with the no kissing rule, it seems almost all of them would admit that in the heat of passion the rule sometimes got broken.

[Farmgirl]

Flexibility in your guidelines is important. For instance I have known couples with the no kissing rule, it seems almost all of them would admit that in the heat of passion the rule sometimes got broken.

The "no kissing" thing is about at the top of the silliest things to have a "rule" about.
'Honey, he can fuck you all he wants, but don't kiss him.'

[R_H_NC]

Flexibility in your guidelines is important. For instance I have known couples with the no kissing rule, it seems almost all of them would admit that in the heat of passion the rule sometimes got broken.

The "no kissing" thing is about at the top of the silliest things to have a "rule" about.
'Honey, he can fuck you all he wants, but don't kiss him.'

I have heard of this long before I came here to OHW. The first and primary thought I have always had when hearing that is..."you're ok with him sticking his cock in her mouth but not with her kissing him !?" Honestly I do get the perceived intimacy with kissing but the whole thing is a logic failure in my mind.

[Farmgirl]

Flexibility in your guidelines is important. For instance I have known couples with the no kissing rule, it seems almost all of them would admit that in the heat of passion the rule sometimes got broken.

The "no kissing" thing is about at the top of the silliest things to have a "rule" about.
'Honey, he can fuck you all he wants, but don't kiss him.'

I have heard of this long before I came here to OHW. The first and primary thought I have always had when hearing that is..."you're ok with him sticking his cock in her mouth but not with her kissing him !?" Honestly I do get the perceived intimacy with kissing but the whole thing is a logic failure in my mind.

oh, I agree!
The intimacy thing: most women will kiss a guy way before they fuck him. In fact, most women will kiss more men than they fuck because for the majority of us, having a man's dick inside of us is by far more intimate than being kissed by a guy.
So, if the husband wants less intimacy, don't let her be fucked, stop worrying about a kiss.

[mrandmrsbusty]

the only rules we have is that she never does anything without my knowledge