I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

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jacobs_ladder
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by jacobs_ladder » Sun Dec 09, 2018 8:07 pm

subtoall wrote:Carrie,
I think that finding compassion within yourself for the young, inexperienced, scared, confused, wounded girl you were all those years ago will help in your healing. I cringe when I read the word stupid being applied to her. She is still a part of you, and needs love and compassion now, just as she (you) did back then. Please understand that you were doing the best you could with what you knew and felt and what you had experienced in life up to that point. This does not mean that you pretend that you didn't put yourself in unsafe situations or participate in self-destructive behaviors, but it does mean that you refrain from judging yourself for these actions. I strongly believe that finding the compassion and understanding for this girl you were is a key to healing. All the best to you and Mike.
Outstanding comment.
please take this suggestion.

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Mon Dec 10, 2018 2:27 am

Good Morning,

Mike used an analogy and described my emotional break on Friday night as a dam breaking. Pretty good comparison. My mind and feelings are miles ahead of my journal entries. I will try to stay with the chronological telling of the events, but I may be all over the map with the feelings. One insight leads to another and another and doesn't stay in the confines of the events I am describing.

Sad how girls like me ignore everything that should validate their attractiveness and feelings of self worth. I never felt ugly, but never pretty or very attractive. I knew I had an ok body but not much else. I thought I was skinny and I didn't have much in the boob category which seemed and still seems very important to most men.

People continue to say I have a uncanny resemblance to Natashia Bertrand and everyone thinks she is very pretty and that it is a huge compliment to be compared to her. Honestly, I agree I look a lot like her, but I don't think she is that pretty. Cute at best.

I guess I never lived up to my mother in my mind. She was the one Dad always complimented and told she was pretty. He said it all the time. But never me. She is and always was pretty but my Dad never made me feel that way. Neither did she. It was obvious that being "Pretty" was important to my Dad. He always noticed pretty women and would say so. But I never got that feeling from him or my mother. Even though people always said I look like her. I didn't believe that.

Girlfriends always told me I was pretty, but they aren't men so it didn't count. Even guys would say I was pretty but I was convinced that was only because they wanted to fuck me. Having men want to fuck me didn't mean much. In my mind boys would fuck almost any girl. Maybe I was only good for sex. I never moved beyond that intellectually or any other way. I mentally stayed a little girl that wasn't very pretty but could make men happy by giving them the best sex they ever had.

If all you are good for is sex, then you better be good at it. I sure took that to heart and have to this day tried my best to please men in bed. I know I'm good in bed because I try so hard and men always say how fantastic I am. A man gets anything he wants from me. Any little thing he wants, I do it as good as I can. Move my hips a certain way, suck his cock in a certain way, pose my body in specific ways, dance sexy, strip whatever a man wants, I'll do it the best I can. When I turn them on, it turns me on.

The sorority I joined in college was known to have to prettiest girls on campus and does to this day. But I always felt like the plain one and that they took me because I was smart (High grades are important to sororities) and had a fun and outgoing personality. Nobody could convince me I was pretty or sexy. I was just OK in my mind.

When it came to men, I guess I thought I was ok for sex but so are most girls. Being really pretty wasn't necessary for sex. Ok was just fine for most boys/men.

Boys always seemed attracted to me but I thought they only wanted sex and almost any girl was good enough for sex. A girl didn't have to be pretty for guys to want sex with them. I didn't have much exposure to boys until 8th grade when I went to a co-ed school for the first time. By then, I wanted real men to fuck me, not boys.

Mike is the first man that made me feel not just loved, but pretty. He does for me what I guess my dad did for my mother. He pays so much attention to me in so many ways. He notices my hair and suggests but doesn't insist on how I might wear it, color it or have it cut. He never presses his opinion. What little make-up I wear he always has an honest opinion. He's really honest and tells me when my hair or lipstick doesn't enhance my looks.

He comments on colors that look best on me and dresses I buy. He even goes dress shopping with me if I want him to (which is most of the time) and gives me his opinion on each dress I try on. If he doesn't go, he wants a "Fashion Show" when I get home and wear for him what I bought. It's so much fun!

Not to mention shoes. He goes crazy on shoes as I've said before. I have so many it's ridiculous but it makes him happy. He loves my feet so much!

Not a day goes by that he doesn't say how pretty I am at least once. Some girls would think that was intrusive but not me. I love the attention. What woman wouldn't want her man to tell her every day how pretty she is?

One reason I trust his opinion is because every time I take his advice I get tons of compliments. A new hair style, dress style, nail color or lip color he suggests always gets me tons of compliments. Women constantly tell me that my shoes are cute or sexy. Who picks my shoes? MIKE !!!!

I know this is probably confusing but it's harder to write in the middle of new negative feelings

That's all for now on that topic because my thoughts are taking me elsewhere.

Carrie

solstice
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by solstice » Mon Dec 10, 2018 7:46 am

Carrie, It may be an overused expression, but beauty (pretty) is in the eye of the beholder, and most men have their own idea of what is pretty about a woman, as Mike and others have said you look like Natasha Bertrand, and her looks have done her no harm. It's not uncommon to find that many women would not think of themselves as pretty. whilst looks are important to me, intelligence, a bright personality, is what I would choose every time, which from your writing I believe you have in abundances. the trouble is, you see your face so often you become inured to your own good looks, take Mikes word when he says your beautiful.
As a breast man I am attracted to medium to small natural breasts, an added advantage they are far more likely to keep their shape, a few women I know have complained of having to carry around a large pair of knockers giving them a back ache!
You and Mike hit the Jackpot the day you met each other, his obsession with your feet is hardly a kink too far! but it looks as if your love for each other is stronger than ever.
The fact that your mum and dad were so wrapped up in their lifestyle, that they did not give you the loving attention any child deserves is a shame.
When I met a girl for the first time fucking her was not first thing on my mind, and was not what my friends and I discussed when speaking about them, I can't believe American men are all that different. I did not frequent drinking establishments, but I would imagine, there would be more opportunity for picking a girl up for sex than a badminton club.
The first time I met my wife, I was smitten, not quite the same for her, but with persistence in over a year I won her over, she died almost two yours ago after a good marriage that lasted 57 years.

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SutterKane
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by SutterKane » Mon Dec 10, 2018 8:26 am

Carrie,
Forgiveness is one of the harder lessens in life to learn. And it's often far harder to forgive yourself than to forgive someone that has hurt you. We chose to hold that anger at ourselves so we can poke and prod it like we do after we have a tooth pulled. We become addicted to that pain. It reminds us of everything that we have done wrong, every mistake made, every unkind word said. We wallow in this accumulated hurt and tell ourselves that we worthy of no better in life, that we deserve every kick and slap that lands upon us. Because we are B.A.D. and that's what bad people get.
You have to forgive yourself and learn to truly love yourself. Mike loves you beyond words. Why can he love you like that if you're as bad as that hurt part of you says? Wait you say! He doesn't know everything awful that you have done! I bet that Mike loves you even after you spill all the darkest secrets your heart holds. I even bet he loves you more.
The hardest jail to escape is the one we place around our secret hurt. Healing that hurt is hard work, maybe some of the hardest you'll ever do. But you'll never regret it.
Best wishes,
Sutter
"Women and cats will do as they please,and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea"-Robert Heinlein
"Gratitude is riches and complaint is poverty and the worst I ever had was wonderful"Bro. Dave Gardner
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus!

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Tue Dec 11, 2018 2:17 am

SutterKane wrote:Carrie,
Forgiveness is one of the harder lessens in life to learn. And it's often far harder to forgive yourself than to forgive someone that has hurt you. We chose to hold that anger at ourselves so we can poke and prod it like we do after we have a tooth pulled. We become addicted to that pain. It reminds us of everything that we have done wrong, every mistake made, every unkind word said. We wallow in this accumulated hurt and tell ourselves that we worthy of no better in life, that we deserve every kick and slap that lands upon us. Because we are B.A.D. and that's what bad people get.
You have to forgive yourself and learn to truly love yourself. Mike loves you beyond words. Why can he love you like that if you're as bad as that hurt part of you says? Wait you say! He doesn't know everything awful that you have done! I bet that Mike loves you even after you spill all the darkest secrets your heart holds. I even bet he loves you more.
The hardest jail to escape is the one we place around our secret hurt. Healing that hurt is hard work, maybe some of the hardest you'll ever do. But you'll never regret it.
Best wishes,
Sutter
Yours is the second message waiting for me this morning. Another wonderful pm was written and I read it first. So insightful and right on the money. Exactly what I needed this morning. I need to hear the things you are saying. It means more than you know, honestly. This is one of the reasons coming here has been a true gift. Thank you so much for such a thoughtful and kind message. I feel like Both you and the other man are friends. There are others too like solstice, sadie, hotwifelover31, mundyman oldernbolder and so many others that make coming here so helpful.

Carrie

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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Tue Dec 11, 2018 2:25 am

Good morning,

P.S. I am staying home today to continue writing. I may be posting several times today. MY firm is closing friday so I can catch up with my work over the Christmas break if I fall behind. I can do almost any work here at home so I'm taking off most of this week. I need the time with Mike and alone to continue. Mike had to go in today and tomorrow and it's ok because I need the alone time as well as him alone.

Please look for more than one post. I want/need your responses for support. The rest is just as hard.


Carrie

Carrie

solstice
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by solstice » Tue Dec 11, 2018 6:09 am

Mike used an analogy and described my emotional break on Friday night as a dam breaking.)

Does that mean that things were not going well with your HW life even before the last meeting with Aaron? a name I was hesitant to mention as it is likely to stirred up bad memories.
Another Question on my mind, are you off sick from work, which you have answered in your last post, saying you are working from home.
If there are any areas you would not want discussed, that would be unhelpful to your well being please let me know. my wife constantly reminded me of my knack of saying the unsay able.

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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Tue Dec 11, 2018 6:23 am

solstice wrote:Mike used an analogy and described my emotional break on Friday night as a dam breaking.)

Does that mean that things were not going well with your HW life even before the last meeting with Aaron? a name I was hesitant to mention as it is likely to stirred up bad memories.
Another Question on my mind, are you off sick from work, which you have answered in your last post, saying you are working from home.
If there are any areas you would not want discussed, that would be unhelpful to your well being please let me know. my wife constantly reminded me of my knack of saying the unsay able.
No I was enjoying the HW lifestyle until the abuse by Aaron. That's what brought out all the negative and painfull emotions. Up to then I was having fun exploring the extent of my submissivness. It was the most exciting sex I've ever had and Mike understands why and doesn't hurt his feelings. I was doing it from the Safety of Mikes Love for me.

Carrie

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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Tue Dec 11, 2018 6:25 am

Good Morning,

I have a random thought/question and opinions are welcomed.

The two guys that took me to the motel: Was that planned by them or spontaneous? Not that it matters, I was so naïve at the time. In terms of age difference, they were probably the oldest men I have ever been with. I'm guessing 30 to 35 years difference, no doubt older than my Dad at the time.

Here goes another of the chronological events of that summer. I was invited to and went to a large party by a waitress I worked with that was being held at least two houses next to each other. Can't remember but it may have been more. More like a block party I guess but centered around the pools at each house. It was pretty rowdy so it probably included the entire small neighborhood. Actually it was an awesome party. The police didn't intrude, but drove through many times to quiet down the music. There were all ages but I was among the youngest.

I met a lot of people, but mostly guys. The guy I was most attracted to was about 35. After a long conversation, he asked if I wanted a ride on his motorcycle. Normally I would have said no, but I had on a good buzz and had even smoked a little pot. I agreed which was really stupid because he had been drinking. I was afraid of motorcycles. I was wearing shorts with a bathing suit underneath as my waitress friend recommended, but only flip flops on my feet (both of which I lost during the ride).

He drove ridiculously fast and he leaned the bike way over when he turned. Scared the hell out of me. To shorten the story, he pulled into a bar near the beach and we went in. Blue color type place but not a dump. The kind of place where not wearing shoes was no problem.

There were men and women but the women were outnumbered and most looked younger than the men. My escort knew everybody and I was approached by a big really good looking guy about 30-35. Definitely the Alpha in the room. My escort backed off and didn't protest. He continued to talk to friends. I immediately had the familiar feelings of excitement and submission. He was aggressive, confident and well built and obviously interested in me.

We talked awhile and danced a couple times. Of course I put on my best dancing moves to tease him. I was more with him than the guy I came with. To shorten things, he asked me if I'd meet him there the next night. Of course I accepted and gave him a time I would be there.

It was time tom go so I rode back to the party on the motorcycle. Same ridiculous and scary ride obviously trying to impress me. We were only gone from the party for probably an hour and a half. The party was really going so I stayed several more hours but I kept thinking about the guy at the bar. I guess my guy with the bike got the message that I wasn't interested, gave up and faded away. So I met quite a few other men and a few girls and had a lot of fun drinking and dancing as I remember. I stopped drinking at a point and sobered up a bit, then drove home knowing I was going to rendezvous with the Alpha guy at the bar.

I went to meet him and the place was really packed and loud. He found me right away and claimed me because no other men even tried to talk to me even when he left for short periods to get drinks or go to the restroom. He was the Alpha for sure. As often the case with me, I was inappropriately dressed for the place, Sexy sundress and sandals and no panties or bra. My favorite outfit when I was horny, dress, sandals and that's it. I knew I was going to be taken long before I arrived, just not when or how.

I'll skip all the details, but we went to his huge pick up truck and he had me in the back seat. It wasn't cramped at all. I gave him great oral and the best sex I could as usual. It was sexy. I had two huge orgasm and so did he.

Same feelings after. Guilt and shame but I couldn't stop. Never saw him again though he found out where I worked and tried to make a date, but I found excuses every time and I guess he gave up. It wasn't easy because he was a handsome, very sexy Alpha man. Girls at the restaurant couldn't believe I was refusing him. It seems like once I had sex with a man, I didn't want to be with him again.

Even now I have no desire to be with most of my HW partners after. Frank was several because he was the first and it was just the novelty and excitement of the beginning. I've never looked back at Frank or Tom. Even Brad at the Cayman resort who was extremely good looking and a fantastic lover. Aaron because of the foot thing mostly, and Anthony. Anthony is the only one I have had a strong desire to be with again.

I was out of control of my sexual desires. My strong sexual desires were going to make a lot of my decisions from there.

I'm going to take a break and process more but will write more this afternoon and post. There is so much more I want to get off my chest and deal with. I have to look at everything. I want to look, forgive myself completely so I never have to look back. I'm not there, but as a few of you have said, self forgiveness is the only cure. I want nothing from my past to haunt me ever again.

Carrie

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SutterKane
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by SutterKane » Tue Dec 11, 2018 7:07 am

Carrie,
Thank you so much for your kind words to me and the other members! I'm just old biker trash but I try to speak from my heart. I have come to think of you and Mike as younger friends of mine. My friends always get my full love and support. When you can't run, you walk and when you can't walk, find someone to carry you. That someone is Mike and in our own small way, each of us here on this thread of yours. We will always try to lift you up and carry you over the rough spots to better ground until you are strong and steady on your own two feet.
Always best wishes,
Sutter
"Women and cats will do as they please,and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea"-Robert Heinlein
"Gratitude is riches and complaint is poverty and the worst I ever had was wonderful"Bro. Dave Gardner
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus!

sadie

Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by sadie » Tue Dec 11, 2018 7:19 am

Carrie, it sounds to me like those guys were spontaneous and simply got lucky that you were who you were then. I'm sure there was a plan to pick you up at the bar and getting you to a table was an obvious maneuver (keep you from other guys). I doubt they realized until you indicated willingness that they would both wind up fucking you?

Just my $0.02

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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by solstice » Tue Dec 11, 2018 7:25 am

Not being familiar with the US system of education, I am uncertain if you were of a legal age before your senior year when the two men took you to the hotel? It put a different slant on their "picking you up" if what they were doing was criminal, and makes me uneasy for finding this encounter sexy. Sadly you were not balancing the thrill of risk taking with the possibility of coming to real harm, of course I'm stating the obvious, the once only meetings may have been a good thing as on subsequent meetings they could have become abusive.

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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Tue Dec 11, 2018 8:18 am

More,

I remember thinking after the episodes I just described that I couldn't, shouldn't keep this up. It was shame, guilt and fear of being discovered. All of this was within 40 miles of my parents and people who knew me. But it wasn't long before I was fantasizing again and getting extremely aroused even when I didn't have the privacy to masturbate. I had no idea of how I would stop my behavior. The erotic feelings overpowered the shame and guilt. I always put those emotions on the back burner soon after. I was out of control.

As I said my thoughts and emotions are all over the place. I keep thinking back to my cousin. Intellectually I know it wasn't my fault and that adults have a responsibility to stop things like that from happening. But I keep thinking about how much I teased him. I was trying to go back to the start of thatfirst time he abused me.

I wore a short night gown on purpose and I put it on much earlier than I would usually. I danced for the sole purpose of teasing him. I laid on the couch so he could see up the gown. I touched my feet to his thigh on purpose. I turned as he went up my leg so it was easier to reach my panties. I spread my legs so he could get his fingers inside my panties. I remember all this vividly. On top of that, I liked the feel of sex and the orgasms and never once tried to get out of the situation and even looked forward to the next time.

I remember seeing him for the first time a few years after it stopped. The thing I really wanted to ask him is, "Why did you stop?" What the hell is that?

This is why the guilt and shame continues on the emotional side. Intellectually I know he was wrong. I still have work to do on that but I know I must reach for self forgiveness and put the blame where it belongs.

I was still watching shows on the Disney Channel and Nickelodian for God's sake. Britney Spears was my age and on Disney. I wanted to be her. I was still wearing Butterfly Hair Clips I think. Geeze!

Carrie

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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by subtoall » Tue Dec 11, 2018 11:25 am

willingtoo wrote:More,

This is why the guilt and shame continues on the emotional side. Intellectually I know he was wrong. I still have work to do on that but I know I must reach for self forgiveness and put the blame where it belongs.
Carrie,
You're doing real work here with your processing of your thoughts and feelings about these incidents in your life. I would like to encourage you to adopt the stance that there is no value to you in blaming anyone; as long as one is blaming, one is not fully forgiving. You are not wrong in assessing that your cousin did not behave responsibly, and he proceeded to exploit your vulnerability over a long period of time.

The path you have led up to today is the path that was required to create the person you are today. We are all flawed, but we are also enriched by our flaws, as well as our triumphs. I believe this is essential to our humanity. As you continue to deepen your understanding about what led you to risky or self-destructive behaviors when you were younger, you might be tempted to blame your parents for their limitations in loving, protecting and validating you. Such a deficit may help to explain why you had such longing, loneliness (and horniness) leading you to behave as seductively as you describe towards your cousin.

It could be easy to blame your parent's selfishness, self-centeredness or coldness for how things turned out for you, but that would not be helpful. I find a great deal of peace in adopting a stance where I accept that at any given moment people are doing the best that they can with what they have. Who are we to judge your parents for their limitations? Have we walked in their shoes? Their limitations are regrettable, but they are who they are, and this is what happened. This stance does not gloss over how their limitations as parents played an outsize role in influencing the journey you have taken to get to today, but I believe it injects understanding and forgiveness that can strengthen and mature your relationships with your parents. Acceptance and forgiveness does not mean we don't also grieve the losses, including the loss of your innocence, and the loss of your belief in the perfect parents (we all have this as children believe it or not).

I hope this makes sense. These ideas can be difficult to communicate in writing compared to in a back and forth dialogue. I encourage you to go deeper on any of these thoughts with your therapist. I salute you for your courage in tackling this difficult work.

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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by aguy4pleasure » Tue Dec 11, 2018 12:06 pm

I sometimes wonder what good is done by dissecting all the events from our past that have contributed to our choices to act as we do. Yes, there are some events that are clearly "cause and effect." However, when it comes to sexual choices like yours, how does one meaningfully go about determining what is attributed to this or that. It seems to me some of who we are is made from reactions to past events, Yet, even those are intermingled with tendencies beyond our control or choice. Then, we make choices about how we will respond to that intermingled web of nature and nurture. And, those choices become a part of that brew. We seem to have a need to measure whatever comes out against some sense of "normal" and decide we are either "good" or "bad." Then, wonder how we "forgive" whatever is or has contributed to the "bad."

You have chosen a very unconventional life style. You seem to enjoy it. Did your parents aloofness contribute to your exhibitionism that then contributed to your cousin taking advantage of you at a young age? That's one way of writing that narrative. Would another be something like:

"My parents left me alone to figure out my budding sexuality for myself. Even at a young age I was flirting and experimenting with my sexual nature and passion. I teased and tempted my cousin until he gave in and seduced me. Then, he repeated his advances over and over until suddenly he stopped. Despite people then and since who have told me it was "wrong," I still found enjoyment in what happened. I've struggled with the "rightness" and "wrongness" of my tendencies, risks, and passions. Now, I have a husband who loves and cares for me and supports me in my adventures. Sometimes my risks get me into situations I don't like, but I have gotten myself out. Other times, they get me into situations I really enjoy. Now, I'm just sorting out what I like and don't like, what I will risk and what I will avoid."

Just a thought.

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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by SutterKane » Tue Dec 11, 2018 12:45 pm

Carrie,
Some of us became sexual at an early age. We didn't ask for these feelings, they just arrived in our bodies and set up shop.
I tried to seduce my 16 year old baby sitter when I was 12. She was not amused. :oops: I had sexual contact with other girls around my age (some were cousins, that tricky family connection again :oops: ) but no penetration. I had a sexual relationship with my high school English teacher for two years. I was sixteen when she seduced me. I was fucking her and one of her friends (the both were Bi and had a relationship together before I came into the picture). It was an extremely powerful thing for a 17 year old boy to be having sex with two hot mid thirty year old women. It may have colored my sexuality in ways that even now affect me.
My father wasn't there much and ran off with his secretary when I was 12. My mother was always more or less indifferent to me, but doted on my sisters. Maybe thats why so much of my energy from early in my life may have been in seeking some kind of attention, even sexual attention. Might even explain why I was a stand up comic back in the 80's. So I understand looking to find someone to show you that you have value. Those of us that got little or none as children, spend our lives looking for it in any way we think will get it for us. We are always waiting for the next blow, the next rejection from a loved one, the next "I'm an oddball and don't fit in with the others" moment. It's just how it is for us.
I don't mean to hijack your thread, just wanted to show you that others of us have gone through similar things in our past and know, to some degree, what you have been through.
Best wishes,
Sutter
PS aguy4pleasure might be right too. Who the fuck knows anything about why we truly do what we do? If they do, they ain't told me.
"Women and cats will do as they please,and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea"-Robert Heinlein
"Gratitude is riches and complaint is poverty and the worst I ever had was wonderful"Bro. Dave Gardner
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus!

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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Wed Dec 12, 2018 4:55 am

Good morning,

This came as a complete surprise. We were having sex last night and all of a sudden I'm thinking about Anthony. Mike could tell and he said, You are Thinking about Anthony aren't you? You want him to take you again Right?" I didn't want to admit it but I said, "OMG Yes, I really do!"

Immediately we were both extremely turned on. I asked it he would mind. He said, "If you really want to then absolutely not." He get so turned on he was shaking and so did I. We were making plans as we fucked. We both exploded at the exact same time!

So after we started talking and with the initial heat over, I told him I didn't have to but really wanted to. He said, "Then let's do it. It's ok with me"

He is calling Anthony this morning sometime and start setting up arrangements. We think here at our place is best for many reasons.

I can't explain this at all. It just happened. I must be crazy, but I can't quit thinking about him taking me again. I want it so bad and Mike does too. I am so excited I can't describe the feeling. It's like the first time I was about to do it with Frank. I want to be taken so bad!

So I know some of you will think the worst of me but I can't, or don't want to stop the feelings. He is everything I want in fantasy sex and I want it for real. I'm tired of feeling bad. He's huge both physically and his cock. He scares me because I know he wants to hurt me. He's dangerous to me and I want that feeling of sexual fear. I want to give him anything I can. I want to be taken!

Mike is really excited.

I'll fill you in later after Mike calls him. We have a party Saturday night but to hell with it. If we have to cancel then we will cancel.

I can't believe it but I don't really care.

Carrie

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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Wed Dec 12, 2018 6:10 am

P.S. Mike called and set it up for Friday evening at 7:00 at our place. We are both incredibly excited. I just set up pedicure and Hair appointments for Friday. Not sure how I'll feel after, but right now it's better than wallowing in negative thoughts about my past like I have the past few weeks.

Mike said he knew I'd want to at some point but he didn't expect it now. Deep down I knew the same and so probably most of you.

Anthony has everything I want in a HW lover. Mike said the same. He may be the guy I could have a continuing relationship with exclusively. He loves my feet, he's black and excitingly taboo, he's huge, powerful and makes me feel so feminine and desired. He kisses me a lot and he's a great kisser. I love that. He kisses when he drives deep inside me and it's fantastic. I keep thinking about my little foot clutched in his huge hands. Me pleasing him orally. His gigantic cock slowly going deep inside me. Him releasing inside me and his groans of pleasure. I know I really turn him on and he loves submissive women. There is mystery about him. What REALLY turns him on? How far would I go.

This will be my third time with him and I'm as excited as if it were the first time. Maybe even more. I can't wait. What to wear, bare feet or sexy shoes? So exciting! This truly is like the first time being a HW>


Carrie

solstice
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by solstice » Wed Dec 12, 2018 8:14 am

Sweet Carrie and Mike,
He scares me because I know he wants to hurt me. He's dangerous to me and I want that feeling of sexual fear. I want to give him anything I can. I want to be taken!

I do hope the emphasis is not on you being hurt, and the fantasy and pleasure of being taken will rule, who knows, maybe a caring encounter with someone so desirable may open a new chapter for you, without the pain in your sexual enjoyment. Of course I write as a novice in this lifestyle, and I'm nervous for you. If this your 3rd meeting would not be full on, it may give you a measure of how far you are both willing to take it.
I am sure Mike will have a talk with Anthony to set the scene. My reason for caution is not to undo the work of the benefits in your therapy
As You will be having another session soon with your therapist, do you intend to discus it with her?
I am sure my caution is not what you want to hear, my hope it will be a great experience.
Alex.

sadie

Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by sadie » Wed Dec 12, 2018 8:51 am

Good for you sweetheart :-). I believe great minds think alike -- I mentioned Anthony the other day thinking you're about due to get properly drilled by an imposing stud.

Would I could be a fly on the wall -- or better still help and if you were willing to (pun intended), share a little bit of this guy's cock.

Do you know if Mike will stay in the room with you? I think you guys haven't done that yet? Certainly not with your recent men.

Glad to see you are getting back on the horse love, <3 <3

sadie

Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by sadie » Wed Dec 12, 2018 9:04 am

aguy4pleasure wrote:I sometimes wonder what good is done by dissecting all the events from our past that have contributed to our choices to act as we do. Yes, there are some events that are clearly "cause and effect." However, when it comes to sexual choices like yours, how does one meaningfully go about determining what is attributed to this or that. It seems to me some of who we are is made from reactions to past events, Yet, even those are intermingled with tendencies beyond our control or choice. Then, we make choices about how we will respond to that intermingled web of nature and nurture. And, those choices become a part of that brew. We seem to have a need to measure whatever comes out against some sense of "normal" and decide we are either "good" or "bad." Then, wonder how we "forgive" whatever is or has contributed to the "bad."

You have chosen a very unconventional life style. You seem to enjoy it. Did your parents aloofness contribute to your exhibitionism that then contributed to your cousin taking advantage of you at a young age? That's one way of writing that narrative. Would another be something like:

"My parents left me alone to figure out my budding sexuality for myself. Even at a young age I was flirting and experimenting with my sexual nature and passion. I teased and tempted my cousin until he gave in and seduced me. Then, he repeated his advances over and over until suddenly he stopped. Despite people then and since who have told me it was "wrong," I still found enjoyment in what happened. I've struggled with the "rightness" and "wrongness" of my tendencies, risks, and passions. Now, I have a husband who loves and cares for me and supports me in my adventures. Sometimes my risks get me into situations I don't like, but I have gotten myself out. Other times, they get me into situations I really enjoy. Now, I'm just sorting out what I like and don't like, what I will risk and what I will avoid."

Just a thought.
I couldn't disagree more completely. First there is no such thing as benign neglect when it comes to the relationship between parents and their children.

Second, you trivialize Carrie's experience as "lifestyle" that's "chosen". It couldn't be more clear to me that she's followed her heart, with the result being both intense joy and some complex pain.

Last, Carrie has for all intents and purposes been assaulted multiple times and taken the full brunt of shame that women often feel after rape etc. Many of these experiences could have come off much worse. She's also frankly quite lucky to have come through these experiences without contracting HIV or some other STI.

I'm sure she's going to be fine, I carry my own scars from the past, in my case ultimately the choice came down to understanding my demons or suicide. I sincerely wish my optimism will be borne out.

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Wed Dec 12, 2018 11:06 am

Good Afternoon,

Mike came home awhile ago and I asked him if he was truly ok with me being with Anthony again. His response was a resounding, :Hell yes I'm ok with it. I can't believe you are but I'm more than ok with it."

I just got sick of being sad and dwelling on my past. I know what I have to do. I have to accept who I am and forgive myself for any of it. Hanging around here all depressed and sad would ruin Christmas. Why? We are already more excited about everything. There is an excitement and we both feel it.

I want to try things a bit differently. I want to actually talk to Anthony to gage his interest in a longer term agreement. He may not be interested. Not sure if we talk before we have sex or after. I'm thinking after. I want to do it without Mike listening and he agrees. I will be more comfortable and he agrees. He will be present and I'm pretty sure he'll want to watch at least part of what happens. He mentioned pictures and video. I feel totally safe about everything. I want to take it one step at a time and communicate with Anthony each step. That takes out some of the excitement out of it but hey I don't need another episode like the last with Aaron.

It has to be different this time. The thrill of surprises is so exciting, but this time I want to do it more judiciously. The other way is just to risky in so many ways.

I'm shopping online at Victoria's Secret and I LOVE it.

Mike suggested we not have sex until after and I agree. It is so much better when we are both really horny and reunite after.

P.S. Mike said that Anthony was surprised and excited. He had something going Friday night but said no way he'd not cancel. Don't know what it was and don't care. I just want him to take me !

Carrie

hotwifelover31

Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by hotwifelover31 » Wed Dec 12, 2018 2:22 pm

As the resident cheer bunny, I’m excited to hear you are going to be “taken” by Anthony on Friday with Mike close by. Some might opine you are jumping back into the pool too soon, Carrie, as you have been working through the painful emotions of your past indiscretions. I, on the other hand, believe the healing you have already started experiencing and the more complete understanding you are developing of yourself and your sexual persona are allowing you to indulge your desires, cravings and needs in a safer and more gratifying manner. Hopefully, the insights, support and encouragement of you adoring OHW followers have helped as well. Most of all, Mike’s loving understanding and kindness provide the safety net for jumping back into your sexual fantasies.

I have been hesitant to comment on the extremely personal journaling of your earlier sexual experiences from the abuse of your cousin to the risky behaviors in your 20s, because it felt wrong to be turned by those. It pains me to hear how those experiences caused you shame and guilt. The work you are doing to process those experiences and emotions and the associated attachments is essential and hopefully enables you to forgive yourself and accept your sensual beauty and sexual desires as cherished gifts.

I hope Friday with Anthony is magical for you and Mike and afterwards you both relish you submitting to Anthony!

In lustful anticipation, HWL31

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Wed Dec 12, 2018 4:12 pm

Hotwifelover31,

Thank you so much for expressing exactly what I think at this point.

Some might opine you are jumping back into the pool too soon, Carrie, as you have been working through the painful emotions of your past indiscretions. I, on the other hand, believe the healing you have already started experiencing and the more complete understanding you are developing of yourself and your sexual persona are allowing you to indulge your desires, cravings and needs in a safer and more gratifying manner. Hopefully, the insights, support and encouragement of you adoring OHW followers have helped as well. Most of all, Mike’s loving understanding and kindness provide the safety net for jumping back into your sexual fantasies.

I sincerely could not have said it any better than you just did! Beautiful and perfect in it's understanding of my feelings. Thank you so much!

We have to do what's right for Mike and Carrie!

Love-Carrie

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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by aguy4pleasure » Wed Dec 12, 2018 5:03 pm

sadie wrote:
aguy4pleasure wrote:I sometimes wonder what good is done by dissecting all the events from our past that have contributed to our choices to act as we do. Yes, there are some events that are clearly "cause and effect." However, when it comes to sexual choices like yours, how does one meaningfully go about determining what is attributed to this or that. It seems to me some of who we are is made from reactions to past events, Yet, even those are intermingled with tendencies beyond our control or choice. Then, we make choices about how we will respond to that intermingled web of nature and nurture. And, those choices become a part of that brew. We seem to have a need to measure whatever comes out against some sense of "normal" and decide we are either "good" or "bad." Then, wonder how we "forgive" whatever is or has contributed to the "bad."

You have chosen a very unconventional life style. You seem to enjoy it. Did your parents aloofness contribute to your exhibitionism that then contributed to your cousin taking advantage of you at a young age? That's one way of writing that narrative. Would another be something like:

"My parents left me alone to figure out my budding sexuality for myself. Even at a young age I was flirting and experimenting with my sexual nature and passion. I teased and tempted my cousin until he gave in and seduced me. Then, he repeated his advances over and over until suddenly he stopped. Despite people then and since who have told me it was "wrong," I still found enjoyment in what happened. I've struggled with the "rightness" and "wrongness" of my tendencies, risks, and passions. Now, I have a husband who loves and cares for me and supports me in my adventures. Sometimes my risks get me into situations I don't like, but I have gotten myself out. Other times, they get me into situations I really enjoy. Now, I'm just sorting out what I like and don't like, what I will risk and what I will avoid."

Just a thought.
I couldn't disagree more completely. First there is no such thing as benign neglect when it comes to the relationship between parents and their children.

Second, you trivialize Carrie's experience as "lifestyle" that's "chosen". It couldn't be more clear to me that she's followed her heart, with the result being both intense joy and some complex pain.

Last, Carrie has for all intents and purposes been assaulted multiple times and taken the full brunt of shame that women often feel after rape etc. Many of these experiences could have come off much worse. She's also frankly quite lucky to have come through these experiences without contracting HIV or some other STI.

I'm sure she's going to be fine, I carry my own scars from the past, in my case ultimately the choice came down to understanding my demons or suicide. I sincerely wish my optimism will be borne out.
Sadie,

I agree with much of your critique of my comments.

"Benign" was an inappropriate word. "Neglect" is clear. No matter, it seems to me she had little support from her parents to help her shape her early sexual urges and experiences (let alone a healthy sense of self in general, for which she appears to me to have done remarkably well without their help).

It was not my intent to "trivialize" her lifestyle choices. Rather, it seemed to me she struggled throughout her life with the "rightness" of that choice. My intent was to encourage her to embrace her sexuality from it's beginnings rather than struggle with the "rightness" or "wrongness" of it. And, I for one, support here and elsewhere in this forum, the choices Carrie makes. Frankly, I find her posts some of the most refreshing and, if I can risk the word, "wholesome" I've read.

Further, I in no way ever want to trivialize abuse. Yes, it does seem to me Carrie plays on an edge around the abuse and that does concern me. I'll leave that to Carrie and her therapist to parse out. However, what (who was it, Aaron) did, I felt was way over a line and I was glad she ditched him. No human should treat another human in that way. And, yes, I'm clear that and other experiences like it have left scars with Carrie.

My ultimate intent was to suggest an alternative narrative upon which Carrie might consider building to both affirm her sexuality while healing from the abuse. I apologize to you, Carrie, and the forum, if you don't feel I succeeded.

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