I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

For hotwives and the men who adore them.
willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Fri Dec 07, 2018 3:01 am

Good Morning,

Still processing my sexual behavior after college and before meeting Mike. That period was when I engaged carelessly in sex with men to the extreme. It's all hard for me to face and admit. I was promiscuous for sure going from one disappointing man to another. I didn't know what I was looking for since I had never been in a loving relationship with a man. I held a lot of it back from Mike, but I have now told him everything. I was and still am ashamed even though I am beginning to understand why. The first step is to get it out and admit what I did to myself, then Mike and maybe here.

I was looking for love and but I was attracted to the wrong guys every time. I am like a moth to a flame when it comes to alpha men and they are apparently attracted to me. They must sense my submissive nature and take advantage of it. I probably broadcast all kind of signals that I am submissive and available.

When I met Mike I was ready to meet a good man that could actually love me for more than sex. I was 27 and finally realized how futile it was to continue that way. I needed to be open to a different kind of guy. I began to realize that was what I really wanted and needed. A real relationship. My girlfriends were beginning to find guys that they were ready to make a permanent life with. None of them were the aggressive alpha types. Comparing the men they chose to the ones I was dating (Fucking) helped clarify that I was choosing the wrong kind of man.

Mike was/is strong, confident and assertive, which I like in a man, but warm, friendly and interested in more than my body. He has a great sense of humor, intelligent and has a kindness and vulnerability about him. I could feel his gentleness and kindness right away. He is a big guy and very good looking so he seemed perfect and he became more perfect as time went on.

When he began to ask about my sexual past and get turned on listening to me detail everything I thought it was different but wasn't concerned. I kind of enjoyed it too. I knew he'd want to know everything but I just couldn't for fear he'd think I was a slut (which I guess I was) so I held a lot of it back. A few years later when he started fantasizing about me with other men I started to feel devalued and I was concerned that he didn't really love me and was looking for an excuse to cheat on me. He never showed interest in other women and seemed focused on only me, but I still worried. Still, the fantasies were sexy to me as well. I asked him many times if he wanted to "Swing"as kind of a test. He always said, "Hell no, I'm not interested in that at all.'

We had sex a lot because I was always ready. We've always had a lot of sex. More and more fantasies were part of our love making. That was when I went to therapy the first time. I told her about it and she said if it turns me on, to just enjoy it. She said all marriages need a little spice after several years. She also warned that reality and fantasy are two different things. Up to that point and beyond, it was just sexy fun and it did spice up our sex.

Then a few years ago (I can't remember the timeline for any of this) he wanted me to flirt when we were out alone. Again I wondered if he really loved me, but slowly I warmed up to the idea and did start flirting a little. He LOVED it. He wanted me to make eye contact with men and send a signal that I was available.

Next step was for me to go into a bar alone, flirt and encourage guys hit on me. He would come in later and watch as guys bought me drinks and eventually proposition me. He would always come to my rescue when it looked like I need it in a variety of ways. Like pretending he knew me and we were friends. I would switch my attention to him. There were other games, but I'm sure you get the idea. It did turn me on and we'd always fantasize about it later. What could have happened was very sexy. Still no consideration that we do it for real. Just really sexy fantasies after. We were pushing the envelope.

He described the thrill of thinking of me with other men. He said that it was something that only men like him would understand. It must be really something. He said the thrill, fear, excitement, adrenalin endorphin rush all mixed was beyond belief. He said his heart [pounds, stomach butterflies and near panic is more thrilling than he can describe. The sexual thrill is almost too much but he LOVES it so much. I'm sure you guys here understand that kind of extreme arousal. The real fear of losing him would kill it for me so I really don't get it. Obviously his fears are eroticized. I eroticize fear too, but as a victim not as in losing Mike. But I know how much it pleases him to no end and I love to please him so I was willing to go along and enjoy it too.

I had fantasized about sex with different guys as long as I can remember. I have a great imagination and my fantasies got really crazy but so sexy. The theme was always about being taken against my will by very mean, big, strong men that took total control of me and did what they wanted and always came inside me.

His love for my feet was never a problem. I had heard of the foot fetish and thought it was different, but I enjoyed the attention. Foot massages, buying me any shoes I wanted and pedicures was great. What woman doesn't love a great foot rub whenever she wants one? I just didn't get how my feet could be sexy to a man.

I'm still dealing with the shame and guilt from my time before Mike. I have told Mike everything, but still dealing with it internally/emotionally. I haven't journaled about it. Not quite ready.

Anthony remains a part of our sex every time. We are both weak when it comes to eliminating him from our fantasies during sex.

I am sure this entry and probably others recently seem a bit disjointed, but that's they way it is when I am processing things that are hard to deal with. I kind of jump around. Hope it's not too confusing.

More tomorrow.

Carrie

sadie

Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by sadie » Fri Dec 07, 2018 6:20 am

You read as clear as ever to me. I feel I understand and certainly can relate to much of what you say. Being on the hypersexual side myself, I have trouble understanding my friends who are asexual ... different thing :-).

I'll write more when I can <3 <3

sadie

Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by sadie » Fri Dec 07, 2018 7:26 am

You read as clear as ever to me. I feel I understand and certainly can relate to much of what you say. Being on the hypersexual side myself, I have trouble understanding my friends who are asexual ... different thing :-).

I'll write more when I can <3 <3

solstice
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by solstice » Fri Dec 07, 2018 9:52 am

Hello Mike and Carrie,
Now that you have told Mike all, is it too early to determine if you are both coming to terms with your anxieties? it must help that you are continuing to communicate and give support to each other, whilst it is enjoyable to fantasize about Anthony, it gives pleasure without the risk that "playing" again would have on both your well being.
Thank you for continuing with your updates.

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Fri Dec 07, 2018 10:39 am

Good Afternoon,

Sadie suggested that, "I think you blog here as another act of submission, being publicly sexy and provocative in front of a lot of appreciative men. That's a good thing imo."

It's funny because Mike has suggested the same several times and I think I mentioned it in earlier posts. He said, "You're even submissive with the guys at OHW." I have to admit Sadie and Mike are right. I know some of you are aroused by the details of my adventures with other men and some have even said they masturbate reading those details. So, being like I am, I have to admit that I do like knowing that guys who follow my posts really get aroused. What else would a submissive girl that loves to please men do? Would I pass up an opportunity to please or turn on 10 guys just by writing.

I am beginning to write about my sex life after college and before Mike. I need to do that for myself. When I have finished I'll decide if I have the nerve to post the journal entry here. Sometimes after I write things I am sensitive about and maybe ashasmed of ( I've done that many times), if it doesn't seem so bad and I go ahead and post. I'll just have to see how I feel when I am done writing. Heck, I've already posted things here I would have never believed I'd post publicly but I feel safe since our identity is not known here as far as I know.

Mike's company party is tonight and tomorrow night another party at friends.


Carrie

Dantes
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by Dantes » Fri Dec 07, 2018 10:56 am

Carrie,

I have not commented since near the beginning of your journey but I have been following closely. I am sorry you are struggling with shame as you work through your past. I would encourage you to ground yourself in where you are and remind yourself that what you have with Mike and the life you are living is very special.

The two of you 'fit' in a unique way and it might not have been possible for the two of you to have found each other but for the path you have walked. I understand there are many threads you want to disentangle; the difference between sexual desire and the need for validation, submissiveness and self-worth. compulsion and adventure, for instance, but I would urge you to remember you are a precious being who is understanding herself more than the vast, vast majority of people ever will precisely because of what you have experienced.

I ask you to resist the urge to be harsh with yourself when you examine your past actions, including with your older cousin and random strangers. This is the source of shame. Your sexual personae has been leading you to Mike and a form of enlightenment. Is it possible you may want to go back in your memory and retrieve any power you may have inadvertently given away during some of your encounters? Yes, of course. But that is separable from the exploration you were doing and that exploration, separated from the shame, has brought you gold. Perhaps consider reframing your understanding of the word 'slut'. It seems loaded with shame the way you seem to view it. I myself have been intimate with many women and they have all been great teachers to me in one form or another. If you have been a slut in the service of freedom in the pursuit of self-understanding, whether you knew it consciously at the time or not, I, for one, respect and admire that and consider it different than debasing yourself from lack of self esteem.

I wish you well in your efforts to understand yourself and ultimately love and accept yourself better.

Edmond

subtoall
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by subtoall » Fri Dec 07, 2018 1:28 pm

Dantes wrote:Carrie,

I have not commented since near the beginning of your journey but I have been following closely. I am sorry you are struggling with shame as you work through your past. I would encourage you to ground yourself in where you are and remind yourself that what you have with Mike and the life you are living is very special.

The two of you 'fit' in a unique way and it might not have been possible for the two of you to have found each other but for the path you have walked. I understand there are many threads you want to disentangle; the difference between sexual desire and the need for validation, submissiveness and self-worth. compulsion and adventure, for instance, but I would urge you to remember you are a precious being who is understanding herself more than the vast, vast majority of people ever will precisely because of what you have experienced.

I ask you to resist the urge to be harsh with yourself when you examine your past actions, including with your older cousin and random strangers. This is the source of shame. Your sexual personae has been leading you to Mike and a form of enlightenment. Is it possible you may want to go back in your memory and retrieve any power you may have inadvertently given away during some of your encounters? Yes, of course. But that is separable from the exploration you were doing and that exploration, separated from the shame, has brought you gold. Perhaps consider reframing your understanding of the word 'slut'. It seems loaded with shame the way you seem to view it. I myself have been intimate with many women and they have all been great teachers to me in one form or another. If you have been a slut in the service of freedom in the pursuit of self-understanding, whether you knew it consciously at the time or not, I, for one, respect and admire that and consider it different than debasing yourself from lack of self esteem.

I wish you well in your efforts to understand yourself and ultimately love and accept yourself better.

Edmond

This!!!!! Beautifully stated.

hotwifelover31

Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by hotwifelover31 » Sat Dec 08, 2018 4:53 am

Bravo, Edmond, for articulating what Carrie’s and Mike’s most ardent followers feel and many have shared, albeit not so eloquently. Carrie, I believe your healing and the path to letting go of your shame started when Mike acknowledged that your sexual past excited and aroused him and you as the submissive pleaser trusted his unconditional love for you and decide to indulge his fantasies. Without having ventured down the road you have, the shame from your hidden secrets would always be a source of pain. I’m hopeful and confident, with Mike’s unfailingly support, you are well on your way to the enlightenment Edmond illuminated.

Thank you for trusting us and sharing your journey to loving yourself. And a bow to Mike for being the epitome of a loving hubby! We might be kinkier than the normies, but in the end we’re all the same...searching for love, peace, serenity and happiness...we’re just the ones who crave a lot more sexual pleasure and orgasmic bliss.

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Sat Dec 08, 2018 5:37 am

This is Mike. Carrie is still sleeping but she wanted me to post for her. I'm crappy at this but she insisted. She does feel an obligation to some of you who have written incredibly sensitive messages sharing your own struggles and those of your partners. This is such a private matter but she feels safe and supported here. She feels she can express herself honestly here and that people are listening with real concern. All she has is me, her therapist and OHW. You are a sounding board and values what you write in response to her posts. She also likes the fact that her experiences turn some of you on so much. She is kind of submissive to you guys. She is such a sweet, tender and caring person even after all her negative experiences with so many men.

She wanted me to make sure I mentioned Dante's recent post she read last night as an example of how many of the responses responses help her. She reads every response carefully. Things that she says are comforting and make a difference. like this from Dantes

"The two of you 'fit' in a unique way and it might not have been possible for the two of you to have found each other but for the path you have walked. I understand there are many threads you want to disentangle; the difference between sexual desire and the need for validation, submissiveness and self-worth. compulsion and adventure, for instance, but I would urge you to remember you are a precious being who is understanding herself more than the vast, vast majority of people ever will precisely because of what you have experienced."

and this from hotwifelover31:

Bravo, Edmond, for articulating what Carrie’s and Mike’s most ardent followers feel and many have shared, albeit not so eloquently. Carrie, I believe your healing and the path to letting go of your shame started when Mike acknowledged that your sexual past excited and aroused him and you as the submissive pleaser trusted his unconditional love for you and decide to indulge his fantasies. Without having ventured down the road you have, the shame from your hidden secrets would always be a source of pain. I’m hopeful and confident, with Mike’s unfailingly support, you are well on your way to the enlightenment Edmond illuminated.

And so many more from you guys. I read all of them and they are also comforting to me.

We were home last night before 10:00 and we sat out at the pool and started talking. She looked so pretty sitting on one end of the outdoor couch. Her shoes were off feet on my lap and she was still wearing the sexy cocktail dress she wore to the party. She looked adorable. We had been drinking champagne at the party so I opened a bottle grabbed a couple flutes and we had a couple more drinks as she talked.

This is going to be the most difficult part of her recovery no doubt Even more than the abuse by her cousin. She hadn't completely denied the abuse and found every reason to blame herself for pretty much asking for it. she was talking more about the emotions that her experiences caused in her post college years and after than the actual sex acts themselves. Once she started letting out her feelings it was like a dam of emotions broke. She started crying as she talked about the "Empty hole in her soul" she felt all the time for years. The more sex she had with strange men the worse she felt after but was compelled to have more of the same with more men. She was trying to fill that hole by having sex with men that wanted nothing more than her body and was choosing the kind of men that had nothing to give her but sex. lots of shame and remorse.

We were up late and continued talking in bed with her head on my chest crying softly on and off talking about her feelings. So much is coming out. The depression and the way she delt with it and ignored it. She feels guilty that she hid so much of this from me and I'm doing my best to help her understand that I have no anger or resentment about it. I totally get this woman I love so much. We are almost like one in so many ways. She wanted me to "Make Love to her".without fantasies. It was awesome. For the first time in months we were totally into each other and nothing more. She said she just wanted to be mine tonight.

I told her I'd fix her breakfast when she gets up. She wants waffles and eggs so I went out to Publix and bought the waffle mix, syrup, butter and eggs. I will get it ready when she wakes up. I'm going to suggest we cancel the party tonight if she wants. We saw or will see most of the people at other Christmas parties next week and New Years. The social groups overlap.

She will post later today I'm sure. I can hear her in the shower so I'm going to stop. She has much to process and I'll be right beside her through it all. This is shitty compared to Carrie but I did my best -Mike

P.S. She said she will post later today. I'll be right by her side as she journals and need to talk.

mundyman
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by mundyman » Sat Dec 08, 2018 6:14 am

While I totally respect the honesty expressed in many other threads and by many other people on this board, it has been a long time since I've read anything, anywhere that reveals such a raw and emotional truth as this one.
I wonder how many women, and men, see themselves in Carrie and can very much relate to her pain, depression, and shame?
I wonder how many people read this thread and admire, somewhat jealously, the communication and togetherness that Mike and Carrie describe?
Please remember that every post you make helps someone else. Every post you make serves as an example and lesson to others who may be examining this lifestyle as to how important communication is in this lifestyle. Every post you share is an example to people that depression and other issues are part of the human condition and deserve to confronted, treated, and while not cured but managed.

Continue to be brave and honest.
I continue to send you all possible positive thoughts and feelings as you continue to travel down this path.
I want to continue to wish you great strength and courage as you face your demons and work through them together.
I want to continue to wish you love and peace, especially in this season which exphasizes family and renewal.

This is what I love about this forum. There is raw, honest, and sexy threads from people that are barreling through and thriving in this lifestyle however they choose to live in it. They live, fuck,or don't fuck, support each other, and have otherwise found a way to make this lifestyle work for them and to support and make their relationships stronger.
And then there are threads like Carrie and Mike which are incredibly hot and sexy, share some smoldering sexual experiences, but also pull the curtains back on some of the raw emotions and issues that people deal with. And it is done so eloquently.

mundyman
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Posts: 2541
Joined: Thu Jun 14, 2012 8:12 pm
Location: Chicago, Il

Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by mundyman » Sat Dec 08, 2018 6:15 am

While I totally respect the honesty expressed in many other threads and by many other people on this board, it has been a long time since I've read anything, anywhere that reveals such a raw and emotional truth as this one.
I wonder how many women, and men, see themselves in Carrie and can very much relate to her pain, depression, and shame?
I wonder how many people read this thread and admire, somewhat jealously, the communication and togetherness that Mike and Carrie describe?
Please remember that every post you make helps someone else. Every post you make serves as an example and lesson to others who may be examining this lifestyle as to how important communication is in this lifestyle. Every post you share is an example to people that depression and other issues are part of the human condition and deserve to confronted, treated, and while not cured but managed.

Continue to be brave and honest.
I continue to send you all possible positive thoughts and feelings as you continue to travel down this path.
I want to continue to wish you great strength and courage as you face your demons and work through them together.
I want to continue to wish you love and peace, especially in this season which exphasizes family and renewal.

This is what I love about this forum. There is raw, honest, and sexy threads from people that are barreling through and thriving in this lifestyle however they choose to live in it. They live, fuck,or don't fuck, support each other, and have otherwise found a way to make this lifestyle work for them and to support and make their relationships stronger.
And then there are threads like Carrie and Mike which are incredibly hot and sexy, share some smoldering sexual experiences, but also pull the curtains back on some of the raw emotions and issues that people deal with. And it is done so eloquently.

Oldernbolder
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by Oldernbolder » Sat Dec 08, 2018 6:36 am

Mike: As a spouse of a victim of molest, I sat down this morning ready to write words of support. But you don't need them. You're in a good place and there to support Carrie. Your last post left me speechless! There is nothing I can say to make it better because you're already there. All there is to do now is to support Carrie though this journey and you're doing a great job. Maybe I can learn from you.

solstice
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by solstice » Sat Dec 08, 2018 7:15 am

Mike,
Glad you are writing again, as it helps give a in depth view of what Carrie has been facing so bravely.
Not having experienced the compelling urges Carrie has had to deal with, I can offer little useful advice, but having read of your troubles, and because of the persuasive way your story been related I hold you both the highest regard.
Was this early exit from the party, caused by Carrie just wanting to be alone with you? and further go into her post college state of mind. Her expression, empty hole in her soul is particularly heart wrenching. the wonder is that she came through that period of her life without having severe bodily harm, to add to her mental stress.
Holding back in telling you of her sexual compulsions, may have had to do with the fear of losing you, the true love of her life.
I hope you both continue to post here, and my best wishes for success in Carries therapy.

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SutterKane
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by SutterKane » Sat Dec 08, 2018 12:33 pm

Carrie, take whatever path you need to take in order to heal this wound in your soul.
Mike, you have my deepest respect and appreciation for the way you have stood by Carrie with love and tenderness. Not just any man would have been this strong, free of anger and self centeredness as you have been. Please continue to be the rock that shelters this precious flower that the men and ladies of this forum have grown to love almost as much as you do.
Too you both, best wishes,
Sutter
"Women and cats will do as they please,and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea"-Robert Heinlein
"Gratitude is riches and complaint is poverty and the worst I ever had was wonderful"Bro. Dave Gardner
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus!

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Sat Dec 08, 2018 1:33 pm

SutterKane wrote:Carrie, take whatever path you need to take in order to heal this wound in your soul.
Mike, you have my deepest respect and appreciation for the way you have stood by Carrie with love and tenderness. Not just any man would have been this strong, free of anger and self centeredness as you have been. Please continue to be the rock that shelters this precious flower that the men and ladies of this forum have grown to love almost as much as you do.
Too you both, best wishes,
Sutter
Thanks you so much for the kind words. It is more appreciated than you know.

Carrie

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Sat Dec 08, 2018 1:35 pm

Good Afternoon,

I think Mike did a great job explaining what has been going on. I just read more by Mundyman, oldernbloder and solstice. So thoughtful and comforting. There is so much intelligence, maturity and experience behind these comments. You all have no idea how much they mean to both of us.

An emotional dam did break last night. I'm finally getting to the raw emotions behind all of this that has affected me for years. Mike always said there was a sadness about me that he didn't understand. I covered it pretty good with my positive and generally happy personality. But he could sense the deeper part I didn't even understand.

I am pretty good at compartmentalizing my thinking most of the time. I can usually put serious issues on hold and be productive and continue positive relationships with people. Not lately. I never mentioned this before but one of my coping mechanisms is sleep. Sleep is an escape for me. I'm just now getting some insight into my coping with depression. At times of stress, I sleep an extraordinary amount. Mike thought I just required a lot of sleep and never complained or questioned the amount of time I spent in bed at times. Work is another escape.

The sex we had last night was incredible. Just us and no Anthony. Just Mike and I enjoying each other and expressing how much we mean to each other. Nothing kinky, just tender loving sex. Missionary position all the way with face to face communication. So much kissing and caressing. It was wonderful and I hope he wants more of the same later today. I am ready for sure.

I would love to give you guys the juicy details of my single years and there are a lot of juicy details, but maybe after I get further along with the emotions, I will be able to describe them to you all. I tell Mike everything and he does his best to not get aroused, but how can it not turn him on? I assure him it is ok and I don't see it as him being insensitive. I understand the sexiness of the things done to me. I enjoyed it at the time as well and it was mind blowing sex to me. Things that turn him on turn me on as well. What he finds exciting are exciting to me too. We are perfectly matched in what we find exciting about sex. What I love to do he loves as much or more. We both even think my feet are sexy. It was the aftermath that caused me continuing pain, but I always went back for more like it was going to change or be better somehow.

Through my revelations, Mike is finding there is some baggage in his past that he needs to deal with when he is ready.

I gave Mike a special foot and leg show and after not too long we went to bed and had heavenly sex. The kind only two people truly in love can have.

I continue to go through those years and identify the feelings and emotions and how they affected me. We did cancel the party and I'm glad he suggested that we do. Probably more tomorrow.

Carrie

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Sun Dec 09, 2018 4:18 am

Good morning,

Mike and I were talking and he asked why I never wanted to go into the Westgate River Ranch we pass every time we go to Tampa. Did it have anything to do with my past?

And it did. Our family (we have a big family although not as close knit as when I was young) twice planned a weeklong family gathering at Westgate. The younger (pre teens teens and up) kids would be there all week and the parents mostly came up on the weekend. My older cousin was kind of in charge to keep an eye on things.

It is an awesome place for any age. So much to do and most of it related to horses. Lessons on grooming and training. I loved grooming horses even more than riding them. Such a beautiful animal. You can look it up online. All kinds of activities and hour, two hour and longer guided groups rides. To make a long story shorter, my cousin told me to cancel myself on three of the group rides. We took one every morning and most afternoons and everyone went. I knew immediately that he was isolating me to have sex.

I knew as soon as they left he'd be at my cabin. I would see them off and go back to my cabin, take my clothes off and wait for him in bed. He had already taken me 3 or 4 times already so I knew what to expect. By this time I was aroused and ready for him. It was always the same.

He would always kiss me awhile and massage my clit and use his fingers to get me wet. Then he always wanted oral sex first as he taught me how to do it right. I was getting better because I wanted to please him. I could tell he was loving it more each time Mike always says, "The key to giving a great blowjob is enthusiasm." I was then and still to this day very enthusiastic when I give a man oral. I know how much they love it. I make love to a man's cock and learned from then on how to use my tongue, lips and mouth to make it awesome. It really turns me on because it's a very submissive act in my mind. Almost every man since has said that I give the best oral sex they've ever had. I guess I'm really enthusiastic.

When he finally entered me, I was always very wet and ready. It felt good and I had a slight orgasm every time by then. It was always missionary and variations of the missionary position. He always came inside me usually twice. He had to know I was getting my period by then but what he didn't know, and neither did I, that I couldn't get pregnant. Even then I did everything I could to please him and was focused on his pleasure. I was already in full submissive mode.

It never lasted more than half an hour even when he picked me up at the mall and took me to his nearby apartment.

We will probably drive into the ranch next time we go to Tampa. It really is an awesome place if you love horses. I have looked it up online recently and it looks even better than before. I assume it is very expensive.

I think I pretty much have a handle on the early abuse. Why it happened and how it affected me emotionally. I know now it was no doubt abuse, but will probably always blame my self to an extent. I have seen him at a few family gatherings but not for many years. He would never make eye contact with me and stayed as far away from me as he could. Mike has met him but has no clear memory of him. He is married and has two kids of his own. One of them is a pretty little girl.

I wonder what he feels about taking me now that he is a Dad. Probably pretty remorseful.

I will be writing more today. I am going through my experiences methodically and chronologically leaving nothing unexamined as much as I can. Mike has been so patient and supportive. It's always about me with Mike. He will talk about his feelings if I ask, but he never makes it about him. I know some of it arouse him and I acknowledge that and tell him it is ok. I know how much it turns him on to think of me being taken. I can't change that and have no desire to. Some of it turns me on too.

No doubt will post again this afternoon.

Carrie

hotwifelover31

Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by hotwifelover31 » Sun Dec 09, 2018 5:03 am

Mike, thank you for taking the time and effort to share your feelings as Carrie is peeling back the onion of her shame. For patently obvious reasons, I have largely expressed my adulation to your sweet, intelligent, authentic, kind, thoughtful, beloved and incredibly sexy Carrie. You, of course, know better than any of us how beautiful of a person she is beyond her physical attractiveness. But I felt compelled this morning to express to you how blessed she is to have you at her side. It may sound sappy but your love and adoration for Carrie, even as you indulged your fantasies, have been as genuine, compelling and uplifting as any aspect of the amazing personal and erotic journey you have mutually shared with us. You are a rare breed and win my vote for best in show!

I hope my or anyone else’s expression of sexual attraction to or carnal interest in your adorable bride has caused you any guilt in opening the door to Carrie’s sexual indulgences and the painful feelings she associates with those. Your kind, sweet and loving soul are, in my opinion, the reason she is finally able to heel and become her authentic self. You already know you hit the marital lottery, as did Carrie.

With total admiration, HWL31

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Sun Dec 09, 2018 5:30 am

hotwifelover31 wrote:Mike, thank you for taking the time and effort to share your feelings as Carrie is peeling back the onion of her shame. For patently obvious reasons, I have largely expressed my adulation to your sweet, intelligent, authentic, kind, thoughtful, beloved and incredibly sexy Carrie. You, of course, know better than any of us how beautiful of a person she is beyond her physical attractiveness. But I felt compelled this morning to express to you how blessed she is to have you at her side. It may sound sappy but your love and adoration for Carrie, even as you indulged your fantasies, have been as genuine, compelling and uplifting as any aspect of the amazing personal and erotic journey you have mutually shared with us. You are a rare breed and win my vote for best in show!

I hope my or anyone else’s expression of sexual attraction to or carnal interest in your adorable bride has caused you any guilt in opening the door to Carrie’s sexual indulgences and the painful feelings she associates with those. Your kind, sweet and loving soul are, in my opinion, the reason she is finally able to heel and become her authentic self. You already know you hit the marital lottery, as did Carrie.

With total admiration, HWL31

Carrie wanted me to respond to your post. Thanks for your very kind and flattering comments. I agree that we both got lucky in the masrriage lottery as you put it. We truly and totally get each other. I'd never find another match like her. As for being sexually attracted to her again we are flattered. Not to sound bragadocious, most men that are around her for even a short while fall for her. I've been told that so many times and I see it in the faces of men and how they look at her. I tell her she has the "IT FACTOR." Something a man can't quite put his finger on, but it the whole package, looks and personality.

Some things about her are just not clear in her writing. She has a great sense of humor and a sincere interest in people. Very cute and appealing personality. Her eyes sparkle when she talks to you. It's not just about her when she meets people. She takes an interest in both men and women. She truly wants to get to know people. Rarely does she talk much about herself when she meets people unless they ask, but instead asks them about themselves. Sincerely listens,then asks followup questions. She shows honest interest in people. That is rare in people period.

Feel free to love her and have sexual attraction, most people do when they meet her. My best friends, guys I work with all would take her in a minute. I'm used to it. Mike

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Sun Dec 09, 2018 10:57 am

Good Afternoon,

Please read Mike's post above and the responses to it before you read this.

Mike is watching the NFL pre-game shows sitting beside me as I write for support. He will watch the Dolphins lose at 1:00. LOL he read that!

As I think I said earlier, I like to think about events chronologically. I tend to remember more detail that way. It's just the way I think so here goes. I want to record everything as I always do when I journal. If I have trouble dealing emotionally with any of it, I will skip certain details and maybe come back to it later. I think I'm ready.

This one is very hard to accept but I'm determined to do it. Not the hardest, but very hard to face because it was the start of my self destructive behavior.

By the summer of my junior year of college I was totally frustrated sexually. I had dated guys and had sex with a few, mostly short term boyfriends. Discrete sex with "Boyfriends" was not frowned upon by the unwritten and unspoken rules of my sorority. Though not written or spoken it was a very clear standard.

The relationships didn't last long because the boys, like those in H.S. were not that sexy to me. The sex was not what I was looking for. I didn't know exactly what kind of sex I was looking for but it wasn't what I was experiencing with the "Boys" in college. By then my fantasies had become extreme. I wanted to be taken and my fantasies were of older men using me any way they wanted with no romance at all. That's when the fantasies began to include biker guys, rough guys even Mafia types and Vampires. vampires are very sexy to me. Talk about Alpha men! I always had a very vivid imagination.

By this time I had sex with probably 10 different guys in H.S. and college. (Just counted, yes there were 10). Most more than once but none more than 4-5 maybe 6 times. It was then I took the late night walk alone. I wanted to be fucked aggressively by a strong, older man. I was perpetually ready for and thinking about sex. It was also when I met with the professor and did everything I could to say nonverbally, "You can have me!" He knew and it was obvious he was tempted. He even made a couple of vague innuendos like, "I bet you have a lot of boyfriends being as pretty as you are." I knew if I made another appointment it would most likely happen. A good friend of mine had an affair with a married professor and it seemed so sexy to me. She shared everything. It took a lot of restraint to not see him again. I fantasized about him a lot.


I was home the summer before my senior year working as a waitress in an upscale type restaurant. I made great tips. A lot of men flirted but again flirting too much was frowned upon. I heard about a classy bar where people in their 30's,40's and older went to hook up for short term sexual encounters. A "Meat Market." I thought about it for a couple weeks and finally decided to go there one night after work. I took a cute dress and sandals with me and changed after work. I used more perfume than usual because I knew I smelled like a restaurant but couldn't go home for a shower without getting a lot of questions from Mom or Dad.

I went in and immediately realized I looked like a baby compared to the other single women there. It was pretty early but there were lots of single guys and women. The real action hadn't started. I sat at the bar and got immediate attention from several men who looked to be in their 40's. Twice my age but that's what I wanted. They knew they better act fast and they did. Two guys sat beside me at once and bookended me at the bar. Both bought me drinks and one of them said, "I think this is a tie what do you think young lady?" The other guy agreed and so did I. They both seemed perfectly fine with that. I later found out they knew each other pretty well. The bar tender carded me so they knew I was legal and not Jailbait.

One suggested we sit at a table and all agreed. I sat between them but far enough apart that I could make easy eye contact with either man. Of course I was flirty with both of them and very aroused. No doubt even a little wet. I knew where it was going, I just didn't know how or which one and I didn't care which one it was. They both fit the criteria.


They started asking question to which I gave answers that were total lies. I gave a fake name, the wrong college I attended, where I lived and worked etc. I had all the lies ready before I went in so I think it came across as real information. Of course they both soon started bragging about their financial success and athletic prowess when they were in college. Much of that was probably lies too but I pretended to be very impressed. They were typical Alpha types. Aggressive, confident and self absorbed as I look back. I didn't know the type like I do now. But I knew either one of them could and probably would have me that night. I just wasn't sure how. What wasn't in doubt was that I wanted to be taken and they wanted me.

I knew I'd never come across as experienced or worldly, so I just acted like what I was, a young, naïve girl.

The conversation was just BS on everyone's part including me and I remember very little of it. They were obviously trying to get me drunk. After the first two drinks I switched from a girly drink to beer because I knew I'd get sick drinking all that sweet junk.

Now comes the hardest part. I was a stupid young girl and it is sad that I was like this so young. I realize it will be sexy to you men reading this, and that is to be expected. I'm not judging anyone or expecting anyone to be disgusted. I'm pausing to talk with Mike for a bit.
________________________________________________________________________________________________________

It was suggested by one of them (after an hour or more) that we continue the party in a more private place. I thought, "WE all three of us?" That never even crossed my mind. I thought one guy would just take an exit. We were getting a lot of disapproving looks, mostly by women, but even a few men. Two men with a girl young enough to be their daughter doesn't look so good. I gladly agreed because I was aware and getting uncomfortable. I wasn't drunk, but had a pretty good buzz.

I left first to my car and they came out one at a time. One of them said let's get a room and the other quickly agreed. The dim light in my head finally went on and I knew both men were going to fuck me. To say I was scared is an understatement, but shaking with excitement as well. Two men both more than twice my age. That's very scary to a young girl even when she wants it to happen.

One guy said he'd drive and I sat in the back by myself shaking and scared to death but wanting it to happen at the same time.

He pulled into a fairly nice motel, ran inside and got a room. As nice as any motel can be. He came out and pulled around to a room in the back of the motel. They stopped for beer obviously to keep my buzz going. One guy put on some music (soft Rock I think) We sat in the room and had another beer when the one guy said he was going outside to smoke a cigar.

They guy that stayed with me turned down the lights. Just the bathroom light was lit so it was dark. He wasted no time, and started to kiss me and play with my boobs. I was ready but nervous as hell. I gave in so easily.

Sorry, but I can't go into much detail. It isn't a good feeling thinking about this right now but I'll finish. It wasn't exotic just regular sex in a couple different positions. No condom. The other guy came in and the first guy had cum inside me. It was good and I did orgasm. The first guy went outside and the other did pretty much the same. I had another orgasm and he came inside me too. I gave them both oral. I was in full submissive mode and wanted to please.

They both told me I was Fantastic and talked about meeting and doing it again. I pretended to go along with a plan to meet them again, but I knew I wouldn't and wasn't even listening.

That's all I want to deal with. I was so young for something like that and after I felt terrible. Guilt, shame you name it. What the hell was wrong with me? Why wasn't I with guys my own age? There were plenty that wanted to date me. Guys my age asked me out all the time. But the desire to be taken by someone older was so powerful even then. It was all I ever fantasized about. Never guys my own age. Always abusive older men. I was so damn young and stupid.

That was the night I started down the destructive road I took for many years after. It was just the first. It's worse now to deal with than the abuse by my cousin. The rest won't be easy either and I have a long way to go. Maybe it will be easier as I continue. This is the one I feared the most.

I was back at my car pretty early and drove home. I wanted a bath really bad. I avoided my parents and went straight to my room, undressed and took a long bath thinking about what I had just done. I rarely took a bath. But I wasn't done by a long shot.

I never wore that dress or shoes again and I loved them.

I can't go on. Mike is right beside me patting me on my leg and giving little kisses as I wrote. I want him to read this now.

More later. I've had enough for now. No editing sorry. Dolphins playing a good game so I'll watch the second half with Mike. I need a diversion.

Carrie

sadie

Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by sadie » Sun Dec 09, 2018 11:24 am

willingtoo wrote:
Some things about her are just not clear in her writing. She has a great sense of humor and a sincere interest in people. Very cute and appealing personality. Her eyes sparkle when she talks to you. It's not just about her when she meets people. She takes an interest in both men and women. She truly wants to get to know people. Rarely does she talk much about herself when she meets people unless they ask, but instead asks them about themselves. Sincerely listens,then asks followup questions. She shows honest interest in people. That is rare in people period.
Mike those are exactly the things that come through in her writing. And just so you know, I think she scored as well as you did in finding each other

solstice
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by solstice » Sun Dec 09, 2018 11:28 am

I have never thought of myself as vindictive, and if your cousin had one weak moment, and told you of his regret for the abuse and never repeated, it would not seemed quite so iniquitous, but to have sought so many opportunities to continue grooming you, is vile That he avoids eye contact with you, may indicate that he may be haunted by that period of his life, with the thought of the chance that it may come to light.
I only hope, that my referring back to that part of your life does not add to the pain.

sadie

Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by sadie » Sun Dec 09, 2018 1:05 pm

Carrie the first thing I think of reading your account is that for most people it takes some time to realize that it's not enough for sex to feel good just when you're doing it, it also needs to feel good after. It took me a very long time, after first the fumblings that happened as a teenager and then in long term relationships and my marriage dissolved in part due to failing to understand that. I'm pretty good at reading people's bodies and I used to use that to seduce without really thinking about aftermath.

#MeToo is largely based on the premise that women are assaulted / harassed often in our culture and in 99.9% of circumstances speaking up about it does more damage to the person who was coerced by a boss, coworker, family member ... than the harasser.

It doesn't matter that you went out seeking these liaisons, the men who took advantage of you by definition were more responsible and nominally more adult than you and therefor bear the brunt of responsibility. I also know that while I had plenty of opportunities like you've described and did the math on the consequences, at least the worst I ever did was take a very drunk woman to bed (it was the '70's and while I knew I didn't feel very good about that hookup (and therefor I knew I had done a bad thing but certainly didn't process it as #evil at the time .. I know now that it was).

The other things I'm not even sure I'm glad I passed on. I look at where you are and yes, I know you're hurting, however I sure wish I'd figured out as young as you have just how powerful really good sex can be. And I think you had good sex, you knew that the guys the rules "allow you" to be with didn't measure up and so you went looking for someone who could fulfill your fantasies. In and of itself I don't think that's a bad thing Carrie. The thing about being attracted to age & power (dominance, whatever) because of your emotionally distant parents is another matter. I grieve for you while recognizing that you went into so many situations wanting to find the ecstasy of good sex only to find that it came with a lot of strings attached.

Our society is quite hypocritical about sex and those strings are attached all too often. It takes time to realize that *we* accept that's the way it is.

Perhaps you'll come out of this no longer wanting Anthony. You may find that the symbol he was before no longer has power over you. However as I read it, he doesn't come with the same completely fucked up agenda that Aaron brought, so maybe that relationship will pickup.

I think the key is attachment. If you're attached to something it can hurt you (whether that means you lose it or use it more than is right). When we can look our demons in the face and see what parts are joy, what parts are #sexy, what parts we really do want to avoid ... that's enlightenment. Love without attachment is what lets you and Mike actually understand and support each other. Love with attachment unfulfilled is what has made your relationship with your parents difficult. I'm going to venture to say that attachment without love is what drove you to accept your cousin, those two guys in the bar and Aaron.

#zen #follow_the_buddha

<3 <3

Sadie

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Sun Dec 09, 2018 1:47 pm

sadie wrote:Carrie the first thing I think of reading your account is that for most people it takes some time to realize that it's not enough for sex to feel good just when you're doing it, it also needs to feel good after. It took me a very long time, after first the fumblings that happened as a teenager and then in long term relationships and my marriage dissolved in part due to failing to understand that. I'm pretty good at reading people's bodies and I used to use that to seduce without really thinking about aftermath.

#MeToo is largely based on the premise that women are assaulted / harassed often in our culture and in 99.9% of circumstances speaking up about it does more damage to the person who was coerced by a boss, coworker, family member ... than the harasser.

It doesn't matter that you went out seeking these liaisons, the men who took advantage of you by definition were more responsible and nominally more adult than you and therefor bear the brunt of responsibility. I also know that while I had plenty of opportunities like you've described and did the math on the consequences, at least the worst I ever did was take a very drunk woman to bed (it was the '70's and while I knew I didn't feel very good about that hookup (and therefor I knew I had done a bad thing but certainly didn't process it as #evil at the time .. I know now that it was).

The other things I'm not even sure I'm glad I passed on. I look at where you are and yes, I know you're hurting, however I sure wish I'd figured out as young as you have just how powerful really good sex can be. And I think you had good sex, you knew that the guys the rules "allow you" to be with didn't measure up and so you went looking for someone who could fulfill your fantasies. In and of itself I don't think that's a bad thing Carrie. The thing about being attracted to age & power (dominance, whatever) because of your emotionally distant parents is another matter. I grieve for you while recognizing that you went into so many situations wanting to find the ecstasy of good sex only to find that it came with a lot of strings attached.

Our society is quite hypocritical about sex and those strings are attached all too often. It takes time to realize that *we* accept that's the way it is.

Perhaps you'll come out of this no longer wanting Anthony. You may find that the symbol he was before no longer has power over you. However as I read it, he doesn't come with the same completely fucked up agenda that Aaron brought, so maybe that relationship will pickup.

I think the key is attachment. If you're attached to something it can hurt you (whether that means you lose it or use it more than is right). When we can look our demons in the face and see what parts are joy, what parts are #sexy, what parts we really do want to avoid ... that's enlightenment. Love without attachment is what lets you and Mike actually understand and support each other. Love with attachment unfulfilled is what has made your relationship with your parents difficult. I'm going to venture to say that attachment without love is what drove you to accept your cousin, those two guys in the bar and Aaron.

#zen #follow_the_buddha

<3 <3

Sadie
sadie I love your posts. Always so thoughtful and insightful. You always use your experiences to enhance my understanding of mine. I always read with care even when I don't respond. Be sure that it means a lot to meand I read every word carefully.

Funny you mentioned Anthony. The past week I have thought less and less about him. My sexual desires are focused on my wonderful husband. We are having, "Just Us Sex"and enjoying it so much. I feel closer to him than I ever have. I've never felt so loved. He is and always has been right by my side in every crisis of my life. He is a great listener a trait my girl friends say their husbands don't have at all. What a gift. He's never judgemental and is so accepting no matter what. I am writing now about love. What it really is. I think I finally have a good definition that I will post soon.


Love you, Carrie

subtoall
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by subtoall » Sun Dec 09, 2018 7:00 pm

Carrie,
I think that finding compassion within yourself for the young, inexperienced, scared, confused, wounded girl you were all those years ago will help in your healing. I cringe when I read the word stupid being applied to her. She is still a part of you, and needs love and compassion now, just as she (you) did back then. Please understand that you were doing the best you could with what you knew and felt and what you had experienced in life up to that point. This does not mean that you pretend that you didn't put yourself in unsafe situations or participate in self-destructive behaviors, but it does mean that you refrain from judging yourself for these actions. I strongly believe that finding the compassion and understanding for this girl you were is a key to healing. All the best to you and Mike.

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