Dear Carrie,
I've followed your thread from the outset, have been struck with admiration for both you and Mike, and posted a couple of responses much earlier on.
I'll be fascinated by what the therapist tells you. My take on therapists is always a bit dubious because I know that they often see their role as finding a "cure" to some or other deviation from a supposed "norm" (which of course doesn't ever really exist in human nature), so I hope your experience won't reflect that. It strikes me that it doesn't pay to overthink the reasons why we are as we are and that the more beneficial thing to do is to accept that we just are like that then to manage how we live with that ie to be ourselves, whether highly sexed, lacking libido etc, without harming ourselves or others. You and Mike seem from this distance and the little we can tell, to have your feet very well on the ground, Bumps in the road, not caused by you but by other fairly effed up people, shouldn't make you doubt yourselves.
I was sadly not surprised how Aaron turned out, and still wonder if my first instinct about Anthony (see my post of 2 October) might turn out to be right - that he seems (from the little we know) to be a genuine guy who would be a great long-term lover, able to be rough and also gentle and caring in equal measure, as circumstances require.
Above all, love, respect and best wishes to both of you.
I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Sex is like Bridge - if you don't have a good partner, you need a good hand.
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Oldernbolder
- Virgin
- Posts: 21
- Joined: Thu Jul 26, 2018 7:20 pm
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Hi Carrie: Your therapist will help you deal with the past, the shame and the guilt. You will get through this and move on.
This "lifestyle" come with a bit of a drawback, that your therapist may or may not help you with. That is, it will take more stimulation to turn you on. I speak from experience because I have been there. You mentioned that you fantasize about Anthony when you're with Mike. Try including Mike in your fantasies and share them with him. As an example think about Mike by your side as you audition at a strip club. Maybe Anthony can be the owner, and let the story unravel from there. Maybe Mike can finish it for you. I've had to resort to crutches like this so that I could be intimate with my wife. Of course there is always Cialis, but the fantasies are way more fun.
This "lifestyle" come with a bit of a drawback, that your therapist may or may not help you with. That is, it will take more stimulation to turn you on. I speak from experience because I have been there. You mentioned that you fantasize about Anthony when you're with Mike. Try including Mike in your fantasies and share them with him. As an example think about Mike by your side as you audition at a strip club. Maybe Anthony can be the owner, and let the story unravel from there. Maybe Mike can finish it for you. I've had to resort to crutches like this so that I could be intimate with my wife. Of course there is always Cialis, but the fantasies are way more fun.
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sadie
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
I couldn't disagree more, I've been sexually adventurous all my life and realized I needed to be acting on that for the better part of my adult life. I've yet to find any sense of diminished enjoyment. I still like "vanilla" sex just fine and I've exercised about every kink I can think of, at 62, the bloom is definitely still on the rose of my sex life.Oldernbolder wrote: This "lifestyle" come with a bit of a drawback, that your therapist may or may not help you with. That is, it will take more stimulation to turn you on. I speak from experience because I have been there.
You write about dissociation from the present (resorting to fantasy to be able to enjoy sex with your wife). I wonder if that might not be a difference between men and women -- not that I've never thought of another lover when I'm with my primary partner. Still, I'm far more driven by what's happening between me and my sex partner in the here and now. One thing about cuckold flavor of sex is that whether she's fucking her husband or a stunt-cock, the other one is often there for real (where real can be equally powerful as figurative or literal).
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willingtoo
- $2 Ho
- Posts: 876
- Joined: Sun Mar 25, 2018 3:43 am
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Good Afternoon,
My second session was productive. She wanted to know about my relationship with my parents. This a brief description, but it will give enough to see the influence
I was not emotionally close to either of my parents. They were both busy with their careers and spent a lot of their free time with friends and their brothers and sisters. There was some affection from my Dad but not as much as I wanted. My mother wasn't necessarily cold, but not the nurturing type most kids need. That's why I don't have a close relationship with her. They both expected me to perform in school and thank goodness I was a good student. School came easy to me so my grades were mostly in the A,B range.
Materially, I had pretty much everything I wanted and needed.
I took dance and gymnastics lessons until I was about 14. There were expectations there as well and again I rarely disappointed. I tried tennis for 2 years but wasn't very good and I didn't like the sport. I attended a private school that offered a lot of extracurricular activities. I was involved in writing club and debate later in H.S.
I had friends, but mostly girls because the academy I attended was a girls school from K-8th grade. In H.S. it was co-ed so I had little contact with boys until H.S. which was about the time the abuse began.
My parents had a pretty active social life and I was home with sitters a lot. All were older females except the few times with my cousin. My Mom is very pretty and she knows it. She is a flirt (still is) and I noticed that when I was pretty young. I couldn't figure it out and still don't know for sure, but I think they may have been into swinging. They had a lot of weekends away with friends supposedly. I may be way off, but I was suspicious of something like that when I became sexually aware. Just the way they behaved with friends when they were at our house. A little too flirty.
The therapist said the environment and relationships with my parents would be typical of girls that behave like me in their teens and adulthood. The unfulfilled desire for warmth and affection from them and the amount of time they left me alone, either at work and socializing. I never thought of them as contributors. Again, probably denial she said.
I never forgot what happened, I just buried it in my mind. I have always felt responsible for his actions even though I knew cognitively he was wrong. Thus the guilt and shame. I purposely tried to get him to notice me in a sexual way even before that first night. I knew by that age the basics of sex, but I wasn't thinking it would go that far. I was just being a tease. I was even wearing a very short night gown specifically for that reason.
The guilt and shame was compounded because although afraid, it turned me on. I even had something close to orgasms after the first couple times. Not the convulsive full body orgasms I have now. That may sound odd, but through my reading I found many therapists wrote that it not unusual at all. In fact quite common. The body reacts to physical stimulus involuntarily. Like someone may not want to be tickled, but if forced, it will tickle no matter what. It is described by a couple therapists as an adaptive response that makes repeated rape more survivable. I was afraid, especially the first time, but it felt good after the initial pain of him penetrating me. But once it got that far and the initial shock was over, I wanted him to fuck me. I could enjoy the dopamine, serotonin, and endorphin rush without emotional attachment.
I had strong sexual feelings even at 14. I've even thought it was probably inevitable that I would have invited something similar. I was a terrible flirt and was hyper sexualized for my age.
So you can see how I felt responsible and was ashamed of myself. I carried that shame alone until Aaron forced me to look at myself and what I was doing. There was no way I could share that kind of guilt and shame with anyone.
The first time and every time after stimulated my clitoris and I responded lubricating and moaning softly. He kissed me as he touched me and put his finger inside me. My first deep tongue kiss. He always made sure I was turned on and kissed me a lot. I read abusers do that to relieve some of their guilt by thinking I wanted it or was asking for it. He always fucked me in the missionary position. I felt over powered and helpless. He seemed really big (6'0 probably) and I was really small then. Probably no more than 4'10" and 90-95 pounds. My feet were size 4 or 5 but they weren't part of my sexuality then. I wasn't aware of them being sexual. He showed me how to move my hips to please him and I did the best I could.
Oral sex came later. He taught me how to do it right. I could tell when it was going to happen and when it was time, I would remove my clothes before he took me. Not a strip tease, just removed my shoes, if I was wearing any and my clothes. He never got totally naked and I don't know why.
Most of the times he took me, it was pretty much the same thing. He found ways to isolate me over a year and a half and it happened probably 12 times in total. I can give details on that if anyone wants. Three times at my house, he picked me up at the mall three or four times when I was supposedly meeting girlfriends ( I agreed to meet him) The rest were one of a kind encounters that I'll leave alone for now except for a whole family trip to a Dude Ranch and he manipulated isolation with me twice).
I will always probably blame myself somewhat because I was so cooperative but she assured me it was Sexual Abuse and my guilt is unrealistic. At 14 a girl like me is pretty vulnerable to abuse. So far she isn't surprised at all.
That was about all we covered. I have another appointment next week. I'll write more maybe tomorrow.
Carrie
My second session was productive. She wanted to know about my relationship with my parents. This a brief description, but it will give enough to see the influence
I was not emotionally close to either of my parents. They were both busy with their careers and spent a lot of their free time with friends and their brothers and sisters. There was some affection from my Dad but not as much as I wanted. My mother wasn't necessarily cold, but not the nurturing type most kids need. That's why I don't have a close relationship with her. They both expected me to perform in school and thank goodness I was a good student. School came easy to me so my grades were mostly in the A,B range.
Materially, I had pretty much everything I wanted and needed.
I took dance and gymnastics lessons until I was about 14. There were expectations there as well and again I rarely disappointed. I tried tennis for 2 years but wasn't very good and I didn't like the sport. I attended a private school that offered a lot of extracurricular activities. I was involved in writing club and debate later in H.S.
I had friends, but mostly girls because the academy I attended was a girls school from K-8th grade. In H.S. it was co-ed so I had little contact with boys until H.S. which was about the time the abuse began.
My parents had a pretty active social life and I was home with sitters a lot. All were older females except the few times with my cousin. My Mom is very pretty and she knows it. She is a flirt (still is) and I noticed that when I was pretty young. I couldn't figure it out and still don't know for sure, but I think they may have been into swinging. They had a lot of weekends away with friends supposedly. I may be way off, but I was suspicious of something like that when I became sexually aware. Just the way they behaved with friends when they were at our house. A little too flirty.
The therapist said the environment and relationships with my parents would be typical of girls that behave like me in their teens and adulthood. The unfulfilled desire for warmth and affection from them and the amount of time they left me alone, either at work and socializing. I never thought of them as contributors. Again, probably denial she said.
I never forgot what happened, I just buried it in my mind. I have always felt responsible for his actions even though I knew cognitively he was wrong. Thus the guilt and shame. I purposely tried to get him to notice me in a sexual way even before that first night. I knew by that age the basics of sex, but I wasn't thinking it would go that far. I was just being a tease. I was even wearing a very short night gown specifically for that reason.
The guilt and shame was compounded because although afraid, it turned me on. I even had something close to orgasms after the first couple times. Not the convulsive full body orgasms I have now. That may sound odd, but through my reading I found many therapists wrote that it not unusual at all. In fact quite common. The body reacts to physical stimulus involuntarily. Like someone may not want to be tickled, but if forced, it will tickle no matter what. It is described by a couple therapists as an adaptive response that makes repeated rape more survivable. I was afraid, especially the first time, but it felt good after the initial pain of him penetrating me. But once it got that far and the initial shock was over, I wanted him to fuck me. I could enjoy the dopamine, serotonin, and endorphin rush without emotional attachment.
I had strong sexual feelings even at 14. I've even thought it was probably inevitable that I would have invited something similar. I was a terrible flirt and was hyper sexualized for my age.
So you can see how I felt responsible and was ashamed of myself. I carried that shame alone until Aaron forced me to look at myself and what I was doing. There was no way I could share that kind of guilt and shame with anyone.
The first time and every time after stimulated my clitoris and I responded lubricating and moaning softly. He kissed me as he touched me and put his finger inside me. My first deep tongue kiss. He always made sure I was turned on and kissed me a lot. I read abusers do that to relieve some of their guilt by thinking I wanted it or was asking for it. He always fucked me in the missionary position. I felt over powered and helpless. He seemed really big (6'0 probably) and I was really small then. Probably no more than 4'10" and 90-95 pounds. My feet were size 4 or 5 but they weren't part of my sexuality then. I wasn't aware of them being sexual. He showed me how to move my hips to please him and I did the best I could.
Oral sex came later. He taught me how to do it right. I could tell when it was going to happen and when it was time, I would remove my clothes before he took me. Not a strip tease, just removed my shoes, if I was wearing any and my clothes. He never got totally naked and I don't know why.
Most of the times he took me, it was pretty much the same thing. He found ways to isolate me over a year and a half and it happened probably 12 times in total. I can give details on that if anyone wants. Three times at my house, he picked me up at the mall three or four times when I was supposedly meeting girlfriends ( I agreed to meet him) The rest were one of a kind encounters that I'll leave alone for now except for a whole family trip to a Dude Ranch and he manipulated isolation with me twice).
I will always probably blame myself somewhat because I was so cooperative but she assured me it was Sexual Abuse and my guilt is unrealistic. At 14 a girl like me is pretty vulnerable to abuse. So far she isn't surprised at all.
That was about all we covered. I have another appointment next week. I'll write more maybe tomorrow.
Carrie
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sadie
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Will respond later, meantime thinking of you and the progress you're making.
<3 <3
<3 <3
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
I do hope that anything that I write is not in any way counterproductive to your therapy. I want mainly to convey my highest regard for you both.
Thank you for clearly covering all the salient points of your session with your therapist, and telling of the less than warm and comforting relationship with your mum, it shows that what could be called a privileged background, can have its own problems: If some are reading for titillation they thankfully will be disappointed.
That you have come through it to live a fulfilled life, and excelled both in and out of school, and at work, is a real credit to your character. Exposing yourself in therapy, is again in my mind an act of courage.
Let's hope your sessions with your therapist will help to absolve you from the feeling of guilt or blame.
Alex.
Thank you for clearly covering all the salient points of your session with your therapist, and telling of the less than warm and comforting relationship with your mum, it shows that what could be called a privileged background, can have its own problems: If some are reading for titillation they thankfully will be disappointed.
That you have come through it to live a fulfilled life, and excelled both in and out of school, and at work, is a real credit to your character. Exposing yourself in therapy, is again in my mind an act of courage.
Let's hope your sessions with your therapist will help to absolve you from the feeling of guilt or blame.
Alex.
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Your therapist probably has informed you, but the rational part of a teen's brain isn't fully developed, and won't be until age 25. Blaming yourself for being so cooperative in the abuse is because you are remembering it though the eye's (and brain) of a 14 year old girl. You were not responsible in any way for the abuse you went through.
I commend you for seeking therapy to understand all that you are feeling and have been putting yourself though. I also want to thank you for sharing this with all of us! Your story right now is not 'sexy', but it is real. Hopefully there are people out there that may identify with your story and seek help as well. Thank you!
I commend you for seeking therapy to understand all that you are feeling and have been putting yourself though. I also want to thank you for sharing this with all of us! Your story right now is not 'sexy', but it is real. Hopefully there are people out there that may identify with your story and seek help as well. Thank you!
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sadie
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Carrie for better or worse I can really relate to what you talk about with parents who are not very loving and unfortunately in my case while there wasn't sexual abuse though some in my extended family but my parent was pretty aggressively abusive in addition to being emotionally distant not a great combination on my tromm is different from yours but we both have similar outcomes.
Still I can't object too much to where I came out to. I'm happy in my life and I think fundamentally you are too and like you I was pretty sexually precocious unlike you I didn't get to express it very early and I think if I had it might have gone very similarly to how it went for you .. if you had taken longer to develop that way and stayed more repressed as I was was then you might have turned out more like me.
Still I can't object too much to where I came out to. I'm happy in my life and I think fundamentally you are too and like you I was pretty sexually precocious unlike you I didn't get to express it very early and I think if I had it might have gone very similarly to how it went for you .. if you had taken longer to develop that way and stayed more repressed as I was was then you might have turned out more like me.
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willingtoo
- $2 Ho
- Posts: 876
- Joined: Sun Mar 25, 2018 3:43 am
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Good Morning,
My firm had a Christmas Party last night and it was Great! Nice venue, excellent dinner and really nice Christmas Bonus! Tonight another party at friend's home. The same party schedule next weekend.
Examining my past has been exhausting but I think I am finding answers as I continue to dig deeper. Not sure what the ultimate goal is, but Anthony is still the only man I fantasize about. It will be very hard to not see him again in the future. It is so erotic to me and Mike Both. We are hoping we find a way to continue the lifestyle without the self destructive behavior. He fits everything that turns on both of us. Just being honest. I want him to fuck me again so bad, but will wait until therapy comes to some conclusions. The two pictures Aaron sent to Mike are just so sexy and we keep looking at them. I look so small under his massive body.
I didn't discuss my thoughts and feelings about Anthony with her last time but I think it is time to do so. All she said so far was it is best if I refrain for the time being anyway.
The more I understand, the more optimistic I am about going further. Maybe with just Anthony and stopping it there. We will see I guess. The therapist will be honest with me and she has had a lot of experience with others like me. I still have much to dig up and deal with.
I will continue to write and share.
Carrie
My firm had a Christmas Party last night and it was Great! Nice venue, excellent dinner and really nice Christmas Bonus! Tonight another party at friend's home. The same party schedule next weekend.
Examining my past has been exhausting but I think I am finding answers as I continue to dig deeper. Not sure what the ultimate goal is, but Anthony is still the only man I fantasize about. It will be very hard to not see him again in the future. It is so erotic to me and Mike Both. We are hoping we find a way to continue the lifestyle without the self destructive behavior. He fits everything that turns on both of us. Just being honest. I want him to fuck me again so bad, but will wait until therapy comes to some conclusions. The two pictures Aaron sent to Mike are just so sexy and we keep looking at them. I look so small under his massive body.
I didn't discuss my thoughts and feelings about Anthony with her last time but I think it is time to do so. All she said so far was it is best if I refrain for the time being anyway.
The more I understand, the more optimistic I am about going further. Maybe with just Anthony and stopping it there. We will see I guess. The therapist will be honest with me and she has had a lot of experience with others like me. I still have much to dig up and deal with.
I will continue to write and share.
Carrie
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Continued success on your journey to self discovery, healing, and growth.
Be nice to yourself and forgive yourself.
Peace to you and Mike.
Hopefully Mike is doing well as he also deals with the thoughts he may have of your experiences in this lifestyle and what feelings he has of guilt, anger, and depression.
Good luck and enjoy the holiday season.
Be nice to yourself and forgive yourself.
Peace to you and Mike.
Hopefully Mike is doing well as he also deals with the thoughts he may have of your experiences in this lifestyle and what feelings he has of guilt, anger, and depression.
Good luck and enjoy the holiday season.
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
It's so nice to know you have a good life outside HWifing, an employer that appreciates you, creative work that you find fulfilling, and a solid marriage to a very special husband. So glad that you are finding the therapy rewarding. It will be illuminating to hear of her reaction of your fantasies regarding Anthony should you decide to share her response with us.
I look forward to when the sparkle coming back into your life, with or without the HW lifestyle.
fondest regards,
Alex.
I look forward to when the sparkle coming back into your life, with or without the HW lifestyle.
fondest regards,
Alex.
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SutterKane
- OHW Addict
- Posts: 1608
- Joined: Sun Jul 16, 2017 7:27 am
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
I don't want you to do anything that harms or slows your progress in any way. If writing help and doesn't hurt you, then by all means, tell us. But if you have doubts, wait until they are gone. I support you two in my thoughts and heart.
Best wishes,
Sutter
Best wishes,
Sutter
"Women and cats will do as they please,and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea"-Robert Heinlein
"Gratitude is riches and complaint is poverty and the worst I ever had was wonderful"Bro. Dave Gardner
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus!
"Gratitude is riches and complaint is poverty and the worst I ever had was wonderful"Bro. Dave Gardner
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus!
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willingtoo
- $2 Ho
- Posts: 876
- Joined: Sun Mar 25, 2018 3:43 am
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Good morning,
We had a great time at a friend's Christmas party Saturday night. We saw a lot of people we haven't seen in a long while. There were probably 40-50 people there and we knew most of them.
Some of what I will write today will seem redundant I am sure. But I am re-examining those years again to clarify in my mind what happened and how it influenced me.
I have been thinking more about my family and growing up. My parents, as I said were not very affectionate and did little to improve my self esteem. Not a lot of praise which every child needs from their parents. My Dad gave me more than my mother. She is very attractive, even to this day and she knows it. I always felt like her not so pretty daughter and neither parent did anything to make me feel better about myself that way. little girls want to be told they are pretty and lovable. She was preoccupied with her career and social life. Dad was pretty much the same.
It's not that I never received hugs or kisses, just not as much as a child needs. They made sure I had everything I needed and most of what I wanted materially. Money was never a problem in my family. I'd say we were upper middle class.
They had a lot of friends (couples) their age plus my aunts and uncles who they also socialized with. I remember them going on many weekend trips with other couples. As I got older I had a feeling that it may have had some sexual element but nothing explicit that I could identify. When they entertained at our house, my mother was very flirtatious with a few of the men and Dad didn't seem to mind or get jealous. I'll never know the extent of those relationships and I really don't want to know.
Mom is with one of those old friends and Dad is seeing another woman they spent time with when she was married. They came from different marriages. A lot of their old friends are separated or divorced.
My self esteem came from being smart and doing very well in school. Also I was very proud of my abilities as a dancer and gymnast. I received a lot of recognition from those activities from everyone including my parents. I think that is obviously why I liked dancing in front of people at family gatherings and other family social events. I received a lot of complimentary comments. No doubt why I like to show of my dancing moves and show myself to men even now. I know people notice me on the dance floor. At some point (Age11 or 12) I knew it drew a lot of male attention even older men and sometimes even women would comment on "What a great little dancer you are."
Whatever acknowledgement I got from my parents always seemed expected and I was definitely not overly praised. They acknowledged my abilities, but minimally.
It's pretty obvious that I was in need of love and validation by age 14. I guess if I want to blame my willingness to be taken by my cousin, there are some grounds for it but why ruin my relationship with them at this point.
I honestly think I would have found my abuser if it hadn't been my cousin. I was very sexual and subconsciously if not consciously wanted to have sex at 14. Maybe it would have been an older boy. It is just hard to be angry at my cousin since I practically asked him to fuck me with my behavior.
About that time I began to masturbate a lot and have fantasies of older men taking me. The fantasies evolved and became more and more about them using force and against my will. Older men intimidated me but also turned me on. When some of my Dad's friends were around I sometimes felt sexual arousal, but never expressed it overtly. Even a couple of my teachers aroused sexual feelings.
The boys I had sex with in H.S. seemed so inexperienced compared to my cousin and it was not exciting and even seemed awkward. It was the same with boys in college. I was turned on, but the experiences were not what I wanted. I rarely had anything close to an orgasm. They were just so clumsy compared to my cousin. None of them had the emotional maturity to make me want their love or affection. There really weren't that many compared to most of my girlfriends.
The older men I met at the older singles bar and rough bar (I mentioned those experiences in an earlier post) were much more aggressive and knew what they were doing. I was an easy target for those men. They were very forceful and I did experience orgasms with them. I wanted to be fucked that summer I was so sexually frustrated.
The dangerous and crazy late night walk alone was a sign of my frustration and desperation. Looking back, I was substituting sex for what I really needed which was affection/love and validation. All I knew was that men wanted to fuck me and I wanted them to. They could have me any way they wanted. I wanted to please them and I did my best to achieve that but I never got what I really wanted and had no idea of how to get it. The professor I flirted with in his office could have definitely had me. I gave him ever non-verbal clue I could, but fortunately he resisted but I know he was tempted. If I had gone back to his office, it would have happened.
I will go into the men I dated before I met Mike later. They just used me for sex period. Lots of juicy detail there if anyone wants me to describe them. I had no idea of how to get what I wanted nor did I even know what I wanted. Mike saved me and was the best thing that ever happened to me. I dread to think of what might have happened if I hadn't met him.
Therapy today and I have a lot to talk about.
Sorry if this is confusing. I'm just writing my thoughts as they come to me.
Carrie
We had a great time at a friend's Christmas party Saturday night. We saw a lot of people we haven't seen in a long while. There were probably 40-50 people there and we knew most of them.
Some of what I will write today will seem redundant I am sure. But I am re-examining those years again to clarify in my mind what happened and how it influenced me.
I have been thinking more about my family and growing up. My parents, as I said were not very affectionate and did little to improve my self esteem. Not a lot of praise which every child needs from their parents. My Dad gave me more than my mother. She is very attractive, even to this day and she knows it. I always felt like her not so pretty daughter and neither parent did anything to make me feel better about myself that way. little girls want to be told they are pretty and lovable. She was preoccupied with her career and social life. Dad was pretty much the same.
It's not that I never received hugs or kisses, just not as much as a child needs. They made sure I had everything I needed and most of what I wanted materially. Money was never a problem in my family. I'd say we were upper middle class.
They had a lot of friends (couples) their age plus my aunts and uncles who they also socialized with. I remember them going on many weekend trips with other couples. As I got older I had a feeling that it may have had some sexual element but nothing explicit that I could identify. When they entertained at our house, my mother was very flirtatious with a few of the men and Dad didn't seem to mind or get jealous. I'll never know the extent of those relationships and I really don't want to know.
Mom is with one of those old friends and Dad is seeing another woman they spent time with when she was married. They came from different marriages. A lot of their old friends are separated or divorced.
My self esteem came from being smart and doing very well in school. Also I was very proud of my abilities as a dancer and gymnast. I received a lot of recognition from those activities from everyone including my parents. I think that is obviously why I liked dancing in front of people at family gatherings and other family social events. I received a lot of complimentary comments. No doubt why I like to show of my dancing moves and show myself to men even now. I know people notice me on the dance floor. At some point (Age11 or 12) I knew it drew a lot of male attention even older men and sometimes even women would comment on "What a great little dancer you are."
Whatever acknowledgement I got from my parents always seemed expected and I was definitely not overly praised. They acknowledged my abilities, but minimally.
It's pretty obvious that I was in need of love and validation by age 14. I guess if I want to blame my willingness to be taken by my cousin, there are some grounds for it but why ruin my relationship with them at this point.
I honestly think I would have found my abuser if it hadn't been my cousin. I was very sexual and subconsciously if not consciously wanted to have sex at 14. Maybe it would have been an older boy. It is just hard to be angry at my cousin since I practically asked him to fuck me with my behavior.
About that time I began to masturbate a lot and have fantasies of older men taking me. The fantasies evolved and became more and more about them using force and against my will. Older men intimidated me but also turned me on. When some of my Dad's friends were around I sometimes felt sexual arousal, but never expressed it overtly. Even a couple of my teachers aroused sexual feelings.
The boys I had sex with in H.S. seemed so inexperienced compared to my cousin and it was not exciting and even seemed awkward. It was the same with boys in college. I was turned on, but the experiences were not what I wanted. I rarely had anything close to an orgasm. They were just so clumsy compared to my cousin. None of them had the emotional maturity to make me want their love or affection. There really weren't that many compared to most of my girlfriends.
The older men I met at the older singles bar and rough bar (I mentioned those experiences in an earlier post) were much more aggressive and knew what they were doing. I was an easy target for those men. They were very forceful and I did experience orgasms with them. I wanted to be fucked that summer I was so sexually frustrated.
The dangerous and crazy late night walk alone was a sign of my frustration and desperation. Looking back, I was substituting sex for what I really needed which was affection/love and validation. All I knew was that men wanted to fuck me and I wanted them to. They could have me any way they wanted. I wanted to please them and I did my best to achieve that but I never got what I really wanted and had no idea of how to get it. The professor I flirted with in his office could have definitely had me. I gave him ever non-verbal clue I could, but fortunately he resisted but I know he was tempted. If I had gone back to his office, it would have happened.
I will go into the men I dated before I met Mike later. They just used me for sex period. Lots of juicy detail there if anyone wants me to describe them. I had no idea of how to get what I wanted nor did I even know what I wanted. Mike saved me and was the best thing that ever happened to me. I dread to think of what might have happened if I hadn't met him.
Therapy today and I have a lot to talk about.
Sorry if this is confusing. I'm just writing my thoughts as they come to me.
Carrie
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hotwifelover31
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
our little darling Carrie, there was nothing whatsoever confusing nor unnecessarily redundant in your post. Exploring your relationship with your parents is fundamental to effective therapy. Virtually all mental health challenges originate from those relationships.
I feel you are spot on with attributing your willingness and even desire to submit to your cousin are directly attributable to the lack of affection and validation from your parents. Having experienced the same, I know how it creates a hole in one’s soul, which often leads to risky and unhealthy behaviors. It’s an itch that we keep scratching without any relief unless and until we are in a healthy, loving, empathetic and trusting relationship that enables us to heal those wounds. You clearly have that with Mike and are being courageous in delving deep into those feelings that took you down your path.
Obviously, OHW attracts those of us who have an untraditional view of monogamous sexuality and are here largely because we are turned on hearing about sexual adventures of those who embrace such “taboo” views. But as you clearly discerned through your willingness to share your personal journaling with us, the OHW community, for the most part, is supportive, understanding and caring. So, speaking solely for myself, while my carnal interest will always crave more of you and your sexual exploration and hopefully future adventures even if only with Anthony, your well-being and the enhancement of your marital bond is all that really matters. So, despite what you may feel were missteps in your recent journey, I sincerely believe having ventured into becoming a shared wife has reinforced and will continue to enhance yours and Mike’s marital bond.
Best wishes with genuine affection for you & Mike, HWL31
I feel you are spot on with attributing your willingness and even desire to submit to your cousin are directly attributable to the lack of affection and validation from your parents. Having experienced the same, I know how it creates a hole in one’s soul, which often leads to risky and unhealthy behaviors. It’s an itch that we keep scratching without any relief unless and until we are in a healthy, loving, empathetic and trusting relationship that enables us to heal those wounds. You clearly have that with Mike and are being courageous in delving deep into those feelings that took you down your path.
Obviously, OHW attracts those of us who have an untraditional view of monogamous sexuality and are here largely because we are turned on hearing about sexual adventures of those who embrace such “taboo” views. But as you clearly discerned through your willingness to share your personal journaling with us, the OHW community, for the most part, is supportive, understanding and caring. So, speaking solely for myself, while my carnal interest will always crave more of you and your sexual exploration and hopefully future adventures even if only with Anthony, your well-being and the enhancement of your marital bond is all that really matters. So, despite what you may feel were missteps in your recent journey, I sincerely believe having ventured into becoming a shared wife has reinforced and will continue to enhance yours and Mike’s marital bond.
Best wishes with genuine affection for you & Mike, HWL31
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Thank you for writing about your history and sexual urges, I don't find in any way the description of your history at all confusing.
I hope your meeting with therapist goes as well as previously.
Of course I would love to hear the juicy details of how you met and interacted at rough bars, but I temper the erotic charge that I would derive by thoughts of your well-being, nothing should stand in the way of your sexual health.
When you consider the chances you took , as far as I can tell, you have astonishingly escaped real physical harm, apart from the last Aaron encounter where understandably you have not been very explicit when referring to the harm he inflicted. please let me know of this is a topic you do not want to revisit.
Wishing you a productive meeting today, my best wishes to Mike.
Alex.
I hope your meeting with therapist goes as well as previously.
Of course I would love to hear the juicy details of how you met and interacted at rough bars, but I temper the erotic charge that I would derive by thoughts of your well-being, nothing should stand in the way of your sexual health.
When you consider the chances you took , as far as I can tell, you have astonishingly escaped real physical harm, apart from the last Aaron encounter where understandably you have not been very explicit when referring to the harm he inflicted. please let me know of this is a topic you do not want to revisit.
Wishing you a productive meeting today, my best wishes to Mike.
Alex.
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sadie
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Carrie, I'll just chime in saying I can completely relate to having taken pleasure in being smart and excelling in school -- at least the things I found rewarding .. back then I was a terrible student, partly because my family didn't actually value learning - only grades and test scores. With all the means to attend university, the women in my family saw college as "finishing school" and my parent actually failed / dropped out.
And so in spite of being bright (IQ 130-140) and not going to university (I took the coursework I felt I needed at top schools, calculus, physics, some management courses) ... went on to work as an engineer / scientist for 40 years, I have numerous patents, a few publications (important, they have very high citation counts). Most of my family consider this a mark of failure because I never prioritized getting rich ... go figure.
So yeah, very distant family, again your precipitating experiences are different from mine, however I think the reasons we're both prone to being taken advantage of is very much rooted in neglect / abuse.
I saw my pshrink this morning, had a somewhat tearful session.
And so in spite of being bright (IQ 130-140) and not going to university (I took the coursework I felt I needed at top schools, calculus, physics, some management courses) ... went on to work as an engineer / scientist for 40 years, I have numerous patents, a few publications (important, they have very high citation counts). Most of my family consider this a mark of failure because I never prioritized getting rich ... go figure.
So yeah, very distant family, again your precipitating experiences are different from mine, however I think the reasons we're both prone to being taken advantage of is very much rooted in neglect / abuse.
I saw my pshrink this morning, had a somewhat tearful session.
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jacobs_ladder
- Virgin
- Posts: 31
- Joined: Tue Apr 05, 2016 10:37 am
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Validation.
Damn, isn’t that an under-estimated need!
So very interesting the ways we go about achieving it, even to our own detriment.
Likewise the different paths I see taken here by people who eroticize it. If they had enough validation in their youth or career, they relish its (sometimes cruel) abscence; if they’ve experienced very little, they go overboard (sometimes cruelly) in pursuit of it.
Man, what a tricky balance. Not dissimilar from learning to breath in water.
Thanks for letting us in on some very private issues, willingtoo. Intimate stuff. Work that recovery like a job!
Damn, isn’t that an under-estimated need!
So very interesting the ways we go about achieving it, even to our own detriment.
Likewise the different paths I see taken here by people who eroticize it. If they had enough validation in their youth or career, they relish its (sometimes cruel) abscence; if they’ve experienced very little, they go overboard (sometimes cruelly) in pursuit of it.
Man, what a tricky balance. Not dissimilar from learning to breath in water.
Thanks for letting us in on some very private issues, willingtoo. Intimate stuff. Work that recovery like a job!
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Hello Mike & Carrie,
I hope you don't find it inappropriate that I post this rather romantic poem/song (It's over 300 yrs old). by Robert Burns as a tribute to you:
My love is Like a Red, Red Rose
words and music Robert Burns
My love is like a red, red rose
That's newly sprung in June
My love is like the melody
That's sweetly played in tune.
As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in love am I
And I will love thee still, my dear,
Till all the seas gang dry.
Till all the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt with the sun
And I will love thee still, my dear,
While the sands o' life shall run.
And fare thee well, my only love,
And fare thee well a while!
And I will come again, my love,
Thou' t'were ten thousand mile.
From the same poet there is a very funny and obscene song called the Ball at Kirriemuir but I will not post it, without you agreeing in case it offends you for it's strong sexual references, Jim Croce has a version of it on YouTube.
I hope you don't find it inappropriate that I post this rather romantic poem/song (It's over 300 yrs old). by Robert Burns as a tribute to you:
My love is Like a Red, Red Rose
words and music Robert Burns
My love is like a red, red rose
That's newly sprung in June
My love is like the melody
That's sweetly played in tune.
As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in love am I
And I will love thee still, my dear,
Till all the seas gang dry.
Till all the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt with the sun
And I will love thee still, my dear,
While the sands o' life shall run.
And fare thee well, my only love,
And fare thee well a while!
And I will come again, my love,
Thou' t'were ten thousand mile.
From the same poet there is a very funny and obscene song called the Ball at Kirriemuir but I will not post it, without you agreeing in case it offends you for it's strong sexual references, Jim Croce has a version of it on YouTube.
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willingtoo
- $2 Ho
- Posts: 876
- Joined: Sun Mar 25, 2018 3:43 am
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Good Morning,
Yesterday's session was a real eye opener. I am really glad she wanted me to examine my childhood and make connections to my sexual actions as a teen and now as an adult. Without facing the realities of that period of my life, I'd probably never make sense of my sexuality.
So glad I decided to get help from a therapist. There is no doubt my childhood shaped my sexual proclivity. A young girl that is not validated or loved enough can suffer self esteem and/or abandonment issues which might lead them to try finding acceptance and validation through sex and are easy prey for pedophiles.
Now that I'm putting things together, I can see why maybe I was almost asking my cousin to fuck me. Showing off by dancing and teasing men was my way to get the attention I needed and didn't get from my parents.
I never felt pretty or attractive and only now am feeling that way. Mom was the pretty one and the one Dad valued, not me. There was definitely not enough affection or appreciation. No wonder I tried to gain the attention of older men and why now I love the feeling of being sexy and desired.
The men I have been with since we started HW lifestyle definitely wanted me and obviously think I am pretty and sexy. The attention paid to my feet by Mike and recently other Foot Lovers is another way I feel sexy. Now I want men to desire my feet as well as the rest of me. Their appreciation for my intelligence is also gratifying.
I couldn't or wouldn't blame my cousin because I wanted and tried to get his attention and then gave in to his sexual advances. After the initial fear and pain of the first few times, I actually began to enjoy the sex. I tried hard to please him when he wanted me to move my hips in specific ways or do certain things like giving him oral. Rather than resist, I even began taking off my clothes as soon as I knew it was going to happen. I wanted it to happen.
I have not truly revealed my sexual activities since being in college and after. The time before Mike. It is harder for me to face. Even more than the early abuse. I was taking so much risk and doing things that were actually dangerous like the late night walk alone in the dangerous neighborhood, the strip club incident and strangers I met and had sex with at the bars I'm still deciding if I want to reveal that information here. I have been open and honest with Mike about all of it. Writing is cathartic for me and I need to examine that behavior through writing. Everyone here already knows so much about me I'm thinking what's the harm. I'll decide after I write.
Mike and I talked for hours last night examining all that and our relationship. We are just starting that discussion and he is fearful that he has not been good for me with his strong desire to share me. There is a lot to talk about there. I know how my willingness to get involved progressed and I am trying to carefully explain to him it wasn't his fault and that he is the best thing that ever happened to me. He again is feeling very guilty and taking on a lot of blame. I came into this marriage damaged and in so many ways he has provided me with the real love I need and was looking for.
In yesterday's session we also discussed my strong libido and she asked if I thought about hormone therapy to decrease my sexual desire. Right now there is no way I would do that. I'm really afraid of the consequences of that.
There is so much to think and write about. I will continue to post here and I hope for some comment. A few of you have been very helpful with your own honesty. Posts by Oldernbolder, hotwifelover31, sadie,sutterKane, Retiredsnowbird, trdd, mundyman, luckyDog and couple_uk are really appreciated even though I haven't responded to you.
Carrie
Yesterday's session was a real eye opener. I am really glad she wanted me to examine my childhood and make connections to my sexual actions as a teen and now as an adult. Without facing the realities of that period of my life, I'd probably never make sense of my sexuality.
So glad I decided to get help from a therapist. There is no doubt my childhood shaped my sexual proclivity. A young girl that is not validated or loved enough can suffer self esteem and/or abandonment issues which might lead them to try finding acceptance and validation through sex and are easy prey for pedophiles.
Now that I'm putting things together, I can see why maybe I was almost asking my cousin to fuck me. Showing off by dancing and teasing men was my way to get the attention I needed and didn't get from my parents.
I never felt pretty or attractive and only now am feeling that way. Mom was the pretty one and the one Dad valued, not me. There was definitely not enough affection or appreciation. No wonder I tried to gain the attention of older men and why now I love the feeling of being sexy and desired.
The men I have been with since we started HW lifestyle definitely wanted me and obviously think I am pretty and sexy. The attention paid to my feet by Mike and recently other Foot Lovers is another way I feel sexy. Now I want men to desire my feet as well as the rest of me. Their appreciation for my intelligence is also gratifying.
I couldn't or wouldn't blame my cousin because I wanted and tried to get his attention and then gave in to his sexual advances. After the initial fear and pain of the first few times, I actually began to enjoy the sex. I tried hard to please him when he wanted me to move my hips in specific ways or do certain things like giving him oral. Rather than resist, I even began taking off my clothes as soon as I knew it was going to happen. I wanted it to happen.
I have not truly revealed my sexual activities since being in college and after. The time before Mike. It is harder for me to face. Even more than the early abuse. I was taking so much risk and doing things that were actually dangerous like the late night walk alone in the dangerous neighborhood, the strip club incident and strangers I met and had sex with at the bars I'm still deciding if I want to reveal that information here. I have been open and honest with Mike about all of it. Writing is cathartic for me and I need to examine that behavior through writing. Everyone here already knows so much about me I'm thinking what's the harm. I'll decide after I write.
Mike and I talked for hours last night examining all that and our relationship. We are just starting that discussion and he is fearful that he has not been good for me with his strong desire to share me. There is a lot to talk about there. I know how my willingness to get involved progressed and I am trying to carefully explain to him it wasn't his fault and that he is the best thing that ever happened to me. He again is feeling very guilty and taking on a lot of blame. I came into this marriage damaged and in so many ways he has provided me with the real love I need and was looking for.
In yesterday's session we also discussed my strong libido and she asked if I thought about hormone therapy to decrease my sexual desire. Right now there is no way I would do that. I'm really afraid of the consequences of that.
There is so much to think and write about. I will continue to post here and I hope for some comment. A few of you have been very helpful with your own honesty. Posts by Oldernbolder, hotwifelover31, sadie,sutterKane, Retiredsnowbird, trdd, mundyman, luckyDog and couple_uk are really appreciated even though I haven't responded to you.
Carrie
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
When dancing at home to get attention, did your Mum ever take you aside and talk of the sexual nature of your dance, or did you modify your performance when your parents were in the room?
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willingtoo
- $2 Ho
- Posts: 876
- Joined: Sun Mar 25, 2018 3:43 am
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Definitely modified. But most teen girls dance kind of sexy. At least where I grew up. And although sexy, probably not as sexy as you are thinking.solstice wrote:When dancing at home to get attention, did your Mum ever take you aside and talk of the sexual nature of your dance, or did you modify your performance when your parents were in the room?
Carrie
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
But most teen girls dance kind of sexy[/b
]I may have my timing out, but wasn't Britney doing "Hit Me One More Time"about that period, and of course Britney was older but playing younger, and that was provocatively sexy. more than likely being imitated by schoolkids
]I may have my timing out, but wasn't Britney doing "Hit Me One More Time"about that period, and of course Britney was older but playing younger, and that was provocatively sexy. more than likely being imitated by schoolkids
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SutterKane
- OHW Addict
- Posts: 1608
- Joined: Sun Jul 16, 2017 7:27 am
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
Ah! Another fan of the Poet of Scotland! Will you be hoisting a wee dram o' whisky on the 25 of January with me? I go a bit whole hog on Robbie Burns Night. Since I can't buy a sheep's stomach, liver and lights, I have to slaughter it myself for a true and proper Haggis, that "Great chieftain o' the puddin-race!".solstice wrote:Hello Mike & Carrie,
I hope you don't find it inappropriate that I post this rather romantic poem/song (It's over 300 yrs old). by Robert Burns as a tribute to you:
My love is Like a Red, Red Rose
words and music Robert Burns
My love is like a red, red rose
That's newly sprung in June
My love is like the melody
That's sweetly played in tune.
As fair art thou, my bonnie lass,
So deep in love am I
And I will love thee still, my dear,
Till all the seas gang dry.
Till all the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt with the sun
And I will love thee still, my dear,
While the sands o' life shall run.
And fare thee well, my only love,
And fare thee well a while!
And I will come again, my love,
Thou' t'were ten thousand mile.
From the same poet there is a very funny and obscene song called the Ball at Kirriemuir but I will not post it, without you agreeing in case it offends you for it's strong sexual references, Jim Croce has a version of it on YouTube.
"Women and cats will do as they please,and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea"-Robert Heinlein
"Gratitude is riches and complaint is poverty and the worst I ever had was wonderful"Bro. Dave Gardner
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus!
"Gratitude is riches and complaint is poverty and the worst I ever had was wonderful"Bro. Dave Gardner
Dum Vivimus, Vivamus!
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
It appears that you want to tell the tales; if so I for one would be certain to read every detail carefully. Very carefully....I will go into the men I dated before I met Mike later. They just used me for sex period. Lots of juicy detail there if anyone wants me to describe them.
Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.
h! Another fan of the Poet of Scotland!
Thank you, SutterKane,
Yes I am a fan of Scotland's National Bard, I don't go to Burn's Suppers as I don't enjoy the taste alcohol, apart for a glass of wine with lunch, I don't normally drink.
Eddi Reader is a fine singer of Burn's songs, previously known for her No.1 hit, Perfect with Fairground Attraction, not well known in US
(My apologies to dear Carrie, it is not good form to hijack your thread).
Thank you, SutterKane,
Yes I am a fan of Scotland's National Bard, I don't go to Burn's Suppers as I don't enjoy the taste alcohol, apart for a glass of wine with lunch, I don't normally drink.
Eddi Reader is a fine singer of Burn's songs, previously known for her No.1 hit, Perfect with Fairground Attraction, not well known in US
(My apologies to dear Carrie, it is not good form to hijack your thread).