I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

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trdd
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by trdd » Tue Nov 20, 2018 5:41 am

Carrie and Mike,

Wow. I was away from this thread for a few weeks and a whole lot has transpired. Carrie, I am glad you are safe and now you are taking the steps to learn more about yourself, your needs and what drives these things. It seems like this is a critical learning juncture and the fact you are investing with your therapist is a great sign. I also hope, if you engage in any other BDSM relationship in the future, that you take the time to learn and reflect on best practices around Rules of Engagement and safety. The way you are sharing your experiences is a gift to this community.

I came back to this thread and started at the end and then backtracked. As I read about your experience with Aaron I saw the aftermath first before I read what actually happened. Reading it backwards was fascinating. At first I had this strong feeling that someone needs to provide Aaron a beatdown. That persisted for quite a while as I was reading. In the end, I am not sure if he deserves one or not.

The thing that made me doubt he deserves a beat down was, I think, your last post before you went to see him. I read that post after I read how you explained what actually happened. And my observation was that your expectations of what would happen were eerily similar to what actually did happen. So this does not excuse him going too far with you but it is interesting to note that if you expected these things to happen and went anyway then was he really deliberately going too far?

Please do not mistake my comments for supporting him as a person or as a dominant. Remember, half of me still thinks he requires a correction that would be unpleasant for him. But pushing limits is a difficult space and since you were expecting much of what he did it leads me to believe that perhaps he was thinking he was within the boundaries you would accept. I can't quite remember if you had established a safe word clearly with him or if the Rules of Engagement had been updated since your first meeting. Those things are as much his responsibilities as they are yours and really more his responsibility. But communication is a two-way street and in that space it is imperative that the submissive can voice their concerns.... meaning both the dom listens but also the sub speaks up.

Sometimes what we want in our fantasies is not what is best for us in reality. And sometimes our fantasies, as appealing as they can be, are just not the same when we experience them in reality. It is hard for anyone to live up to the fantasy image in kink that we have in our head. They say live and learn. The good news is that you are safe and you are on The Learning Journey.

All the best.

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Tue Nov 20, 2018 12:58 pm

Good Afternoon,

Just back from my first therapy session. I laid it all out for her and she mostly just listened. She of course had a file on me and remembered the conflict I had with the fantasies. I told her a pretty detailed account of the past 6 months and as a good therapist should, showed no surprise or said anything judgmental. I hid nothing. I have to trust her if she is going to help me.

So I laid the groundwork for therapy. She did say I was not the first person she works with that moved beyond the fantasy to reality. That in fact she had treated several cases. She said it was more common than most people would think. I was happy to hear that she has a background and knowledge about this. She asked if I was currently having sex outside the marriage. She just said good! I have scheduled four more sessions with her and it may take more she said. One next week.

She did said say that just getting it all out was a big step in healing and I agree. It is like a big weight off my mind. Now it's out and I can deal with it. And again, I started to process here. This group has been cathartic for me in many ways.

Mike and I are fine. He listened to everything and I held nothing back, not only the early abuse, but the men I dated before him. He understands the guilt I feel about the things that happened. He did some reading where he identified my major feeling was one of guilt which is one of the common responses. He's not trying to be my therapist but just looking up basic knowledge.

We are so close and we can talk about anything and I love it. He is just a fantastic guy and I know he truly loves me. His last concern is the question of the future of our journey. He hasn't even mentioned it. I know he feels guilt blaming himself for getting me into this but I continue to tell him it was my decision which it was. He may want or need to get involved to deal with his feelings.

I continue to fantasize about Anthony when we have sex but have been keeping him out of my thoughts otherwise. It just sex, but so sexy. These fantasies are pretty powerful and I have to be honest, I hope that we may continue if I can deal with my issues but much differently. Until Aaron, we both had a lot of fun and it definitely enhanced our sex life tremendously and made us even closer that we already were. No doubt a strong relationship and communication are vital for this lifestyle to work.

We wish all of you a great Thanksgiving and I will keep you posted. Thanks to all who have responded in support. I read every word of every response even though I don't reply.


Carrie

Carrie

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Wed Nov 21, 2018 5:48 am

This is Mike. I took some pictures of Carrie's legs and feet as promised. I also have some I took last May for a guy on this forum who is really into feet as I am. Carrie doesn't care as long as the pictures are clean of digital information. My camera has an edit feature that erases the location info which is all I'm worried about. Can I trust that? Mike

sadie

Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by sadie » Wed Nov 21, 2018 6:21 am

I would trust, can't hurt to verify -- I know for sure if you upload to an Android phone and then look at the 'info', all exif data will be shown, should be the same with iPhone, however I don't have that so I can't swear to it.

Odinartiz
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by Odinartiz » Wed Nov 21, 2018 9:41 pm

Can’t wait for the photos, please use imgur with high quality photos.

solstice
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by solstice » Thu Nov 22, 2018 6:17 am

Pandora's Box

Never was a saying more appropriate as ,"better out than in." has a weight been lifted from your mind?

solstice
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by solstice » Thu Nov 22, 2018 6:41 am

I have been a little quieter lately with my posts, I do want to continue giving both you my unequivocal support
I do not want to intrude if this is what you judge best,
with deep affection,
Alex.
Last edited by solstice on Thu Nov 22, 2018 9:44 am, edited 1 time in total.

mundyman
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by mundyman » Thu Nov 22, 2018 7:16 am

Carrie and Mike,
It's been a while since I posted anything on your thread but I've read every word.
Much has been written about Aaron and the way that ended so I will not add more. Just know I am sending my support and positive thoughts your way as you move on and recalibrate your involvement in this lifestyle.
What an amazing trip of discovery you two are on. Did you actually think you would end up in therapy and sharing with Mike some of your deepest and darkest secrets?
Good for you two. I hope you take your time for and with each other before jumping back in the deep end of the pool. Take your time. As you've stated, you are so lucky to have each other. Your ability to communicate, your trust in each other, is a beautiful and rare thing.
I hope Mike also has a chance to work through his feelings on the way things ended and his feelings on his role in this lifestyle, and not just concentrate on you.

Happy Thanksgiving and I hope you and Mike wear the fuck out of that brand new sofa doing more then just sitting on it.

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Fri Nov 23, 2018 8:02 am

Good Morning,

Mike is the best thing that ever happened to me. He is so kind and understanding. The more I tell him about what happened, the closer we get. He is over any anger or resentment he had about keeping my past secret and instead is trying to support me any way he can. Now that I have told him and my therapist, I feel so relieved. It's very hard to carry deep secrets like this by yourself. My therapist said it is the most important step in resolving my issues.

Here are the facts. I was 14 when it started. My cousin was 28 or close to that age. He was single then and someone everybody in the family liked and trusted including my parents. When they were going away for a trip of several days they would ask him to "Babysit." They felt safe to have an adult male watching us. The first night of abuse was a weekend where my parents and my aunt and uncle went on a long weekend (4 day) trip to the Keys so he was watching me and a younger male cousin.

There were about 10 - 12 other situations over the next couple years when he manipulated situations where he had me isolated. He always said he would deny it and no one would believe me. In addition, it would destroy our family. I guess I just resigned myself that there wasn't much I could do about it and I never resisted. In fact after a few times, I would voluntarily take off my shoes and clothes when I knew it was going to happen believe it or not.

At 14 I was starting to have sexual feelings and became aroused when he was around. He was cute to me. Nice and very funny. I was a tease as I said which is why, in part, I have carried a lot of guilt about what happened. We have done a lot of reading about childhood sexual abuse and it's affect on women later in life. There is much evidence to affirm that guilt is a factor for many if not most, especially when the victim sees herself as contributing in any way.

On top of my guilt about teasing, I continued to became aroused when he took me which is also common. I would lubricate and it felt good when he was fucking me but I knew I shouldn't be liking it. More guilt. The 3rd or 4th time I actually had shaking orgasms much like I do now which is also common to pubescent girls who are abused. More reason to feel guilt. I felt helpless. I was really tiny then and felt physically overwhelmed by him. I was under 5 feet tall and probably only weighed 90 lbs. or so.

Here is what we learned from several sources which were consistent in everything we have read. Sexual arousal is impossible to stop for adults and the same in young girls and boys who are in the pubescent stage of development. At the same time, not wanting something does not stop the arousal. An example is when someone is forced tickled they laugh and feel sensations even though they want it to stop.

There are some doctors who theorize that lubrication is a "Natural Response from evolution" to protect a girl or woman from injury like internal sores or tearing when unwanted sex is about to happen. Sexual arousal is a common response for a certain percentage of victims of abuse and even rape with older women. There is much evidence to support that.

In short I have felt, at least partly responsible for what happened. I was 14 and he was 28. It was abuse no matter how much guilt I felt about it. I always knew it was wrong, but my guilty feelings always took presidence.

It was also about then that I started masturbating with fantasies of being forced or taken which I continue to this day.

I can't wait to run all this by my therapist his week for validation. This seems to explain my desire for this kind of sex now. Seems so simple and logical, but I didn't deal with it. It makes so much sense and I feel kind of stupid for not realizing it. But I had it all buried with guilt and embarrassment.

We are going to Barnes and Nobles this afternoon to find books on abuse.

Mike is a huge reason I am able to deal with it now. I trust him like no other and he is so loving and understanding it makes it so much easier. He understands everything. I never thought I'd ever get this out and realize my behavior was not my fault and my guilt was unrealistic. Shame is a powerful emotion.

Even after these revelations, Anthony fantasies continue when we have sex. Mike thinks maybe we shouldn't, but it is way too erotic for either of us to stop. It's overpowering and I assume not good.

I have revealed so much here, we are now really reluctant to post pictures or anything else that might reveal our location and who we really are. Again, writing this is therapeutic and always has been cathartic for me. Writing clarifies so much.

Again, thanks to all who have supported us. It means more than you think.

Carrie

solstice
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by solstice » Fri Nov 23, 2018 10:17 am

Sorry my writing is inadequate on such a delicate subject,
It looks as though because of your sexual feeling, that somehow your response to his advances played a part in the disgraceful behaviour in your cousin's assault, on what was effectively a child. this cannot in anyway be the case.
That you have a loving husband in Mike and the bonding between you creates the essential support in dealing with the mental pain that you speak of.
Thank you for laying out the detail of those experiences, and the effect they have had on you in your adulthood

shall54
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by shall54 » Fri Nov 23, 2018 10:48 am

Carrie, I'm happy you are facing your fears and hidden secrets full on with a therapist! It takes a very strong person to do this. I do question your parents logic in having a 28 y/o man 'babysit' a 14 y/o girl regardless of their trust in him...

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Lucky Dog
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by Lucky Dog » Fri Nov 23, 2018 10:51 am

Of course children have sexual feelings. What they don't have is the intellectual, logical, and emotional development to make the right choices when confronted by grownups who wish to make them do things that are harmful. You should never blame yourself because a child cannot know what is right, no matter how bright or seemingly mature.

It may be that you need to forgive yourself, place the blame where it belongs, and then discover (along with your loving husband) what you really would like to do in the future. Fortunately, you survived the effects of this abuse physically, because you didn't place yourself in a situation to be physically harmed in recent years. Now you can heal and enjoy a future with nurturing, acceptance, and hopefully, a lot of good times.

You're a brave woman to share all you did with your husband, your therapist, and with us. I'm not alone in wishing you all the best in dealing with this.
Many times, good sex is the best and quickest end to virginity.

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Fri Nov 23, 2018 10:56 am

solstice wrote:Sorry my writing is inadequate on such a delicate subject,
It looks as though because of your sexual feeling, that somehow your response to his advances played a part in the disgraceful behaviour in your cousin's assault, on what was effectively a child. this cannot in anyway be the case.
That you have a loving husband in Mike and the bonding between you creates the essential support in dealing with the mental pain that you speak of.
Thank you for laying out the detail of those experiences, and the effect they have had on you in your adulthood
There are many more "Juicy details" but I doubt anyone here wants to hear about the details of an abused adolecent. There is much more for my private journal. I am remembering everything I can for answers as to how it affected me. It's all Mike and I have talked about since my visit with the therapist. I want to get to the bottom of what happened and how it has affected me and Mike is going along with me every step in detail. Now that I have opened up, I want to get to "How I can fix myself and what needs fixing.

I already understand so much and learning more almost by the minute almost. Mostly because of Mike and his willingness to just listen and act as a compassionate sounding board and man who truly loves me. Him coming into my life when he did is a "God Send."

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Fri Nov 23, 2018 11:01 am

shall54 wrote:Carrie, I'm happy you are facing your fears and hidden secrets full on with a therapist! It takes a very strong person to do this. I do question your parents logic in having a 28 y/o man 'babysit' a 14 y/o girl regardless of their trust in him...
I agree with the judgement of my parents, but that's an issue that can wait. All I can say in defense is that he was always such a nice guy and had everyone's trust. In hind sight, you are right. What were they thinking? I'll never know because it is pointless now to involve them.

sadie

Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by sadie » Sat Nov 24, 2018 2:28 am

Carrie, I think there was nothing wrong about a teenager feeling sexual or even feeling pleasure in the moment during an act that wasn't consensual. It's awful that your cousin treated you that way, coercion is an ugly thing.

So imagine had it happened differently? Suppose after you were teasing / flirting he had seduced you in a "nicer" way. It seems possible that the Carrie we know could have accepted being seduced and maybe fallen in love with this guy. He would still be at fault in having taken advantage of someone legally too young to consent and I can imagine you might feel even worse today had you not had his active coercion.

You're correct that sometimes women lubricate or orgasm during sexual assault. My psychiatrist was quick to remind me that that's not always.

My feeling is that your desire for an older, controlling man today is a way to process what happened as well as a way to live the good part (being taken by an assertive and strong lover) while having the element of control over the bad part (not having consent in the case of your cousin and by the sound of it relationships after with men who didn't respect for your consent or your feelings).

I'm so glad you have Mike, you are both wonderful people.

hotwifelover31

Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by hotwifelover31 » Sat Nov 24, 2018 2:54 am

Unfortunately, life, work and the holidays precluded me from posting sooner. I wanted to chime in that there is no such thing as a perfect marriage. It takes work and has to mean more than anything to both spouses, which has never been in doubt with you and Mike as you have allowed us to witness. A number of us here have been smitten with you on so many levels and a few have questioned certain decisions motivated by both of your sexual fantasies that can easily escalate into risky obsessions. But your mutual love and devotion to each other has been palpable and manifest throughout your journey.

While not surprised whatsoever, I never doubted Mike would accept and understand that your shame had inhibited you from your full past. Much like you, Carrie, I failed to acknowledge and accept the shame of being sexually victimized by a trusted adult in my youth. I rationalized it for 30 years and it undoubtedly fueled my sexual development, fantasies and activities. It’s hard to forgive ourselves but is essential to healing. I lost one marriage because I failed to accept the help of a loving spouse and an understanding therapist. Fortunately, I finally found the strength to let go of the shame and that would not have been possible without be blessed again with the love and understanding of my second wife, who had almost an identical sexual history to yours. So during this holiday weekend of gratitude, I’m grateful to hear you and Mike are as strong and aligned on working through the baggage we all have in one way or another and bring into our unions. Unpacking it together will only make your bond even more enriching. And, while for me it entailed curtailment of how I indulged my sexual cravings and obsessions, it did not mean I had to eradicate them. Best wishes and keeping working through it because you and your love for each other is worth it!

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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by Oldernbolder » Sat Nov 24, 2018 6:18 am

Carrie and Mike: I've been quietly following your posts from the beginning. Your recent posts about sexual abuse, molestation, have compelled me to write. Mike, like you I am married to a woman who was molested by an adult when she was a teenager. It's a wound that festers over the years and then explodes. And Carrie, like you it all came out when she was in her late 30's. You're not alone, it's happened to more people than you think.

Mike, you're handling this much better than I did. I tried to be supportive but my anger overtook me. it took years of therapy, hers, mine, our's, a divorce, and remarriage (yes, I married the same woman twice) to get past this. We've be married 46 years, so I can say it does get better.

This is your post and I don't want to make this about me, so I'll sign off now. Just know that you have people in your corner cheering for you. Ben

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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Sat Nov 24, 2018 7:19 am

Good Morning,

We found two great books that focus on adolescent sexual abuse. Mike is reading one and I'm reading the other but we are taking a break from all this analysis to watch football.

Mike bought a new 80" Sony TV and had it mounted so we can watch from the new sectional. The picture is unbelievable. I sit in the power chair closest to the tv and Mike sits in the other. The reason is he only has to shift his eyes slightly to the left to see me posing my legs and feet. He has been so wonderful that he will get the best leg and foot tease I am capable of and I guarantee the sex will be just as awesome ! Whatever he wants!

FSU is playing at noon and Miami at 3:30 so we both have our teams playing. Something tells me that between the games we will retreat to the bedroom for some fun. After two hours of checking out my legs and feet, I'm sure we will both be really turned on. I love posing and making him lust for me and he never gets tired of my feet which is so awesome.

Carrie

solstice
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by solstice » Sat Nov 24, 2018 8:42 am

80 inch, and they say size is not everything, Mike definitely thinking big, I've never had a great imagination, but the picture is planted in my brain, of Carrie subtly relaxing,while you are half watch watching your new TV, Carrie does her magic, just showing enough leg to set any hot blooded man's heart pounding,and innocently posing her feet to your delight, just keep calm, they'll be a hot time coming your way

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Sun Nov 25, 2018 5:26 am

Good Morning,

I can definitely see that the things that drive me sexually come from my early years and experiences as a young teen and adult. I'll start with this: Anyone that follows our journey knows that I like to dance and show my body to men. I want them to lust for and desire me. It is a huge turn on for me. The first night of abuse wasn't the only time I purposefully teased him and others as I now remember.

I was and I guess still am a pretty good dancer. I took lessons for years as well as gymnastics. I also, in private in front of a mirror, mimicked the sexy moves of girls on TV like music videos etc. I think I ignored or suppressed these memories because of the guilt of intentionally turning on my cousin I didn't want to remember what I was like. I think a lot of teen girls are like that but I still felt guilty about it after the abuse. But it was definitely an attempt to draw male attention.

I remember showing off whenever there were young men but older than me and I knew they noticed. For instance family gatherings when there was the right kind of music playing out at the pool in my bathing suit. There were always several young men at those gatherings. We have a large family.

It paid off with my abuser I guess you'd say, but I wasn't ready for it at all. Who knows what I was thinking. I guess I had sexual feelings and knew that boys/men were the ultimate goal. I wasn't ready for the real thing.

When I was in HS and finally did have sex with appropriately aged boys, I liked to tease and make them want me, but they had to be the aggressor. I teased and they took the obvious hint that I wanted to be fucked. I made it pretty obvious without saying so. There were 4 guys in HS as I remember.

In college, I pledged a very popular sorority known for having the prettiest girls in the Greek system. I was surprised they took me because I never thought of myself as pretty as the other girls. There was a pretty clear message that we were to be very discrete about having sex. They definitely didn't want the slut reputation. I fantasized and masturbated a lot and was very frustrated. I did date and have sex with several guys but I was pretty selective.

I had an encounter with a professor (40's or 50's) that I think I talked about in an earlier post. He could have had me but I don't think he knew it or was afraid to act. I was flirty and I know he noticed. I was so frustrated by then I was dying to have him fuck me. I fantasized about that for a long time and was tempted to visit his office again. I had a friend that did have sex a few times with a professor which made me want it even more.

Then there was the late night walk alone. I was just so frustrated and wanted sex with almost anyone but older men especially. There was more I didn't post or tell Mike about until now. In summer vacations I did other pretty stupid things out of frustration. two times at night after work (summer job as a waitress) I went to a bar across town that was known as a pick up place for older people. I got immediate attention and ended up in a car in the parking lot with an aggressive older man (45?). I gave him oral and he fucked me in the back seat. I went to another bar that was known as a pretty rough place. I ended up going to a cheap motel with another aggressive older man who really took me rough.

I guess I felt that away from school there was no way anyone would know. I also went to a strip club and interviewed. They had me come in one afternoon when it wasn't busy and dance. There were 7 or 8 men in the bar in addition to the two men who were interviewing me. I loved it ! I could tell I was really turning them all on. I had practiced stripping alone and felt comfortable that I had enough moves to audition.

The men loved me. They hired me on the spot. I danced for a couple hours and got a huge amount of tips. I went home and masturbated over and over the next few days thinking of men I met fucking me after hours. I never showed up for work. They kept calling me and almost begged me to come in, but I thought it was way too public and a good chance of getting caught.

All this is coming back. I didn't forget, but stuffed it way back in my mind. I was too embarrassed to even think about it. It was too damaging to my self esteem. But life has a way I guess of forcing some of us to deal with the ugly truths that shame us and make us feel guilty. Aaron forced me to be honest with myself.

There is much more for me to process.

Carrie

hotwifelover31

Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by hotwifelover31 » Sun Nov 25, 2018 6:00 am

Now I’m also feeling guilty, Carrie, getting aroused hearing about your college sexcapades. Apologies for allowing my prurient interests to taint my sincere interest in knowing you are delving into your sexual history for more important therapeutic purposes.

Hope you and Mike had a splendid Thanksgiving. You both exemplify that living in gratitude is the key to happiness as well as coping with the challenges of life (including any form of addictive behaviors, not that I am categorizing you as such).

Hope the Canes win helped ease putting an end to the Noles’ dismal season.

With grateful admiration of you, Mike, your willingness to share your journey with us and your devotion to each other, HWL31

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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by Oldernbolder » Sun Nov 25, 2018 7:34 am

Carrie: The ability to turn other people on, is a bit of a power trip, and a boost to our self esteem. I know because I've been there. My first trip to swing club was a hotel that catered to swingers on Saturday night. The whole hotel/motel was couples only. The venue attracted the curious as well as die hard swingers. There was a public room that was empty. Four matresses took up the entire floor of the room. No one was around when my wife suggested that we go in. We took off our robes and made love. I can't remember how long it took when my wife whispered in my ear to look around the room. I stopped to look and there must have been 6 or 8 couples standing along the walls watching us. I looked into their faces and saw the turn on. I was hooked! And I felt powerful with the ability to turn people on like that. This became the foundation on my fantasies going forward, many of which we made real. And when the club needed amateur strippers, I got picked for the male part more than once.

I was in my late 30's early 40's when this happened and controlled myself to some extent. I think it was Sadie that wrote about a high we get from our sexual adventures. I was craving both the power and the high.

As a teenager and young adult we don't have the emotional capacity to deal with these feelings. I for sure didn't and if this happened when I was younger, G-d only knows what trouble I could have gotten myself into. Don't beat yourself up, but learn and move forward. Mike is there by your side, and you have a whole community here who will support you. Ben

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Sun Nov 25, 2018 8:04 am

Oldernbolder wrote:Carrie: The ability to turn other people on, is a bit of a power trip, and a boost to our self esteem. I know because I've been there. My first trip to swing club was a hotel that catered to swingers on Saturday night. The whole hotel/motel was couples only. The venue attracted the curious as well as die hard swingers. There was a public room that was empty. Four matresses took up the entire floor of the room. No one was around when my wife suggested that we go in. We took off our robes and made love. I can't remember how long it took when my wife whispered in my ear to look around the room. I stopped to look and there must have been 6 or 8 couples standing along the walls watching us. I looked into their faces and saw the turn on. I was hooked! And I felt powerful with the ability to turn people on like that. This became the foundation on my fantasies going forward, many of which we made real. And when the club needed amateur strippers, I got picked for the male part more than once.

I was in my late 30's early 40's when this happened and controlled myself to some extent. I think it was Sadie that wrote about a high we get from our sexual adventures. I was craving both the power and the high.

As a teenager and young adult we don't have the emotional capacity to deal with these feelings. I for sure didn't and if this happened when I was younger, G-d only knows what trouble I could have gotten myself into. Don't beat yourself up, but learn and move forward. Mike is there by your side, and you have a whole community here who will support you. Ben
Thank you so much for your honesty. It is very intoxicating when you realize you can have such a strong sexual response from the opposite sex. I can see now I was pretty much hooked at age 14. I, like you am surprised that I didn't get into more trouble at that age. So easy to see now how the things that turn me on are so easily related to those earliest experiences. I'm trying to deal with it and I am at least at the cognitive level not as well on the emotional side. I'm still dealing with shame and some guilt even though I know it's unrealistic guilt.


Carrie

solstice
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by solstice » Sun Nov 25, 2018 11:18 am

Did your parents ever show disapproval of your exhibition through dance, or did they feel quite proud of your dancing ability: you would have thought they would have had a word if they thought your performance was "too much"? I would assume that the last thing in their mind that was your action was in any way sexual.

willingtoo
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Re: I need to write and hopefully get people to respond. Long Sorry.

Unread post by willingtoo » Sun Nov 25, 2018 12:29 pm

solstice wrote:Did your parents ever show disapproval of your exhibition through dance, or did they feel quite proud of your dancing ability: you would have thought they would have had a word if they thought your performance was "too much"? I would assume that the last thing in their mind that was your action was in any way sexual.
It wasn't overtly sexual anymore than you'd see on TV. I was just a good little dancer and could move my hips and other body parts enough to be sexy. It's mostly in the hips. Most girls danced in a similar way, just not with the same intent I would guess. I chose times and places when I knew it would draw older male attention. Girls know, even at that age that men/boys take notice. Most girls that age would dance but think nothing of it being sexy. I did it with a purpose and that's where the guilt and shame comes from. What did adult relatives and others think of me?

There was a lot of sexy songs back then. I liked LL Cool J., Janet Jackson, Madonna. A song called "Tootsie Roll" was a favorite to dance to and of course "The Macarrana"

I forgot to mention that I didn't dance alone. There were other female cousins around my age that would dance too. I was the one that definitely had the moves and I knew it.

Thanks for asking sweet man!

Carrie

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