Poll: Can you stop the love train?

[UK-Stag]

We all know that a hotwife becomes more confident, vibrant, sexy and just a better version of themselves. I've also noticed that many couples (including us) have a veto where anyone can stop the whole thing at any time.

Which got me thinking...
Would you ask her to stop even if you wanted it to end?
Is it fair to ask her to stop?
Are you be 100% sure she'd stop if you asked (ie she'd just do it behind your back)

I'm not suggesting our hotwives are untrustworthy I'm just questioning whether it's fair to open up your lives to this lifestyle only to remove it.

As ever, not at all suggesting there is one single way of looking at this.

[Cdncuck]

My wife won't stop. She's told me that. Fortunately, I can't imagine any reason to ask her to stop.
Many years ago, for reasons of her own, she decided to stop. I wasn't thrilled with the news but it's her body, her choice. She made it 6 weeks without another man and had to get back to it. She loves the sex of course but for her she also loves the attention of other men and the flirting and all the things that go along with finding a new lover. After that experience she flat out told me she didn't think she would ever be able to stop nor would she want to. I have no problem with that and am grateful for her honesty.

[VictorCharlie]

If for some reason lifestyle play was negatively affecting us I would ask her to stop, but only after a lot of discussion on why that is and if their were adjustments that could be made versus cold turkey.

We do this as a couple for us. If it isnt working for one of us then it isnt working for either, so I see no unfairness about asking to stop or change how we do it.

Our relationship is rock solid and takes precedent over everything else. I have 100% confidence that if I asked, she would stop with no reservations. She would never do something that she knew hurt me or endangered our marriage.

[Cumcpl]

My wife would stop. If our bf call it quits we wouldn't search for another.

[iamweasel43]

If it were causing problems with our marriage, for whatever reason, and after discussing it, if her stopping would be best, she'd stop. I know some are very selfish and don't care what their spouses opinion is, but my wife does, just as I value hers. I wouldn't force her to just up and stop nor would she force me to keep going.
She also had too much respect for our relationship to go behind my back, which again, its clear many do not. But thats us. We ARE a team, we aren't a "I count, not you" couple.

[nwacouple]

My wife is like the others...it took many years to convince her to enjoy more than one man. She agreed after meeting someone who started as a friend and it grew into more. Due to the fact that he was lonely, he agreed to engage in sex with her and then threesomes.

She loves him but I believe, because of her character, that she would stop if I asked her too. But who knows..she may get hungry and need more.

[SSQ]

We've had this conversation so many times here.

Vetoes don't work in practice the way they sound- they cause damage irregardless of the outcome. When two people make a decision to open their marriage, the old Closed marriage is gone forever. The new marriage is Open. Just as it takes two people to consent to opening a relationship, so does it take two people to consent to closing it. One person should not, and in fact cannot unilaterally make that decision for all members of the relationship- only for themselves.

You can always ask your partner and discuss your feelings with them, but you have to be willing to accept that your partner may not want to close again, and that asking them to do so will make them as unhappy as you currently are. At that point you both have to decide what you need to be happy and what boundaries are necessary for that. It may be that you have become incompatible; if you don't accept that is a possibility when you open your relationship, then you shouldn't open in the first place. It's always fair to discuss your needs and feelings, as long as you don't have the expectation that your partner will immediately comply.

People can always choose not to exercise their rights for themselves. If the relationship is Open, a hotwife may choose not to play if she is no longer interested. But it's no more ethical for a HW husband to try and force his wife to play if she doesn't want to, then it is for either member to have extramarital sex in a Closed relationship.

I will never agree that it's cheating if one member of the relationship declares they want the relationship Closed and the other party continues to have extramarital encounters. That's a fundamental disagreement about the model of (non)/monogamy of the relationship, and it isn't the kindest way to treat your partner, but it's not cheating.

I'm a big believer in personal boundaries, not rules. Rules are expectations we put on others; boundaries are what we place on ourselves in terms of what our wants and needs are. So I can choose for myself what relationship expectations I want/am willing to live with, and then my partner gets to decide if ours mesh enough for the relationship to be happy. I don't believe that it's healthy for people to suppress fundamental things like relationship parameters just because they want to stay with someone, because I don't think that leads to long term happiness. Not every relationship is meant to be forever. You should never sacrifice your needs for a partner's wants, and if your needs have become mutually incompatible, then it is what it is.

Both my husband and I agree that we would be fundamentally unhappy in a closed relationship because we both like to be able to explore and connect with other people without constraints. We would both prefer to end our relationship if either of us wanted a permanent change. Would we temporarily close for a good reason if needed? Sure, as long as that didn't involve causing injury to an additional partner. But not on a long term basis.

[MrsVC]

Non-monogamy is a fun hobby for us. A nice addition if you will to a great relationship and sex life, but it isn't something that defines us. I look forward to a fun night with our friend the same I Iook forward to a date night with Mr VC. Due to personal and professional reasons we are about to go several months without playing. Neither of us is really worried about it.

Naturally if our playing was causing a problem, I would absolutely pause or stop, with or without being asked to. We entered this lifestyle with agreed upon equal decision making, it would be dishonest for me to not honor that agreement. More importantly, why would I want to continue a behavior that was causing harm to my husband and marriage?

[SammySings]

I did ask her to stop, or at least change a bit. She was seeing a guy and would stay there all night. I couldn't sleep when she wasn't home, and it wasn't really turning me on, so it was kind of annoying.

[2inUPMichigan]

You are asking if it would be fair to ask her to stop....another option is she'd carry on behind my back.....
Well just because you ask her to stop does not mean that she has agreed with your request. A request is a request it isn't a demand. Just as you weren't able to demand that she become a hotwife.

This is about two people that have made an agreement and chosen a new path in life. To suddenly say "I changed my mind you have to stop right now because I said so" isn't very realistic.

This question keeps coming up and it will keep coming up because there are questions in the minds of some members - what would their response be? Each couple comes into this from a slightly different perspective and make the choices that are best for them.
For someone that looks at this as sport fucking it probably isn't an issue to even be discussed as they would have no issue stopping. Other people have different reasons for choosing this path and the decision isn't that cut and dry.
Everyone needs to make their own decisions on this issue as there will never be a consensus.

[tunafish]

It happened to us and wasn’t pretty.

My wife, after a number of years of my encouragement
Meets a guy who she’s attracted to and he in her.
They met at a week long seminar a perfect opportunity for a romance to percolate. BTW this was her first encounter.

Long story short she became emotionally attracted to
him and considered him her boyfriend. It was a good lesson for both of us. It threatened our marriage and taught me that whether there are rules or not life has a way of altering the rules. I said “ I wanted you to fuck him not fall in love with him. It brought out major insecurities and jealousy from me and set us back years in our (my) quest for her to experience the lifestyle. We’re going on 40 years of marriage. It was a great lesson and woke us both up to be cautious and aware of what can happen.

[john jasson]

I'm 100% with SSQ.
You say you want it.
Against her better judgment she goes along with it and she likes it.
You flake on her and tell her to stop.
I note that many guys think this is their right. It isn't.
Talk it over by all means and explore each other's feelings, but at the end of the day humans don't have an off switch and this includes your wife.
When you open your relationship and build up her confidence to have other men you accept that you lose a lot of control.
My way of dealing with this is that if the worst came to the worst and I lost her, then we didn't have what we thought we had in the first place. This gives me the confidence to continue to enjoy hotwifing.

[DedicatedHubby2013]

My wife has asked me multiple times if I want her to stop because she is worried about hurting me, and I have told her no, I want her to continue. I think she would try to stop if I asked, but she has trouble controlling herself. She feels a strong connection with one of her current lovers, so I suspect she would eventually start having an affair with this guy or eventually someone else if I asked her to stop. She craves attention from men, and I am okay with her seeking this.

[natasnaikul]

Why stop and ruin a good thing?

[Parsifal]

There are philosophical differences on this question, asked and answered many times on this site already, that I always find amusing and can't resist weighing in on. Yes, my wife and I have a veto rule, and yes, it would be "unfair" of me to exercise it. But consider what we'd have if I did grow to resent her continuing seeing other men for sex and she refused. Either a divorce or an abusive, resent-filled "marriage" if you want to call it that; but in either case the relationship is essentially over, and "fairness" is no longer possible.

Most of the folks here will agree in principle that hotwifing by definition is a form of open marriage arrangement in which the wife pursues extramarital sexual pleasure with her husband's consent if not encouragement, so the idea of the husband consenting, which is the absence of him exercising a veto or refusing consent, is an essential feature of the arrangement that's baked into the cake.

The debate here will diverge along the lines of (A) the marriage, once open, can't be closed ever because it fundamentally changes the wife and she can never go back - it becomes part of her identity to need to screw other men, (B) many of the husbands (myself perhaps included) would never pull the veto switch for a variety of reasons anyway, so the question here is really a silly hypothetical that can't be answered; or (C) it would create a real hardship to stop but having a brake on the train is better than divorce (my view, mas o menos). We always end up talking in these circles, no?

So to advance the ball (I hope), let me add this to the mix. If we define both marriage and hotwifing (which is a form of marriage) in terms of consent - consent to stay together and for the wife to play - we have to conclude that the syllogism doesn't work if the consent element gets pulled. IF - yes, the proposition is a hypothetical and that is about as real for some couples as pigs growing wings. And the sexuality of the two married partners is indeed a question of "identity" - some people really can't function well or at all without multiple sexual partners, so any "marriage" with such people can't be on other terms really; that too is baked into the cake, so to speak. What we have with many if not most marriages is either cheating, open marriage arrangements to some extent, or varying degrees of dissatisfaction or even resentment due to sexual needs that mutual exclusivity can't satisfy. For some men, the wife having and satisfying that need as part of her identity is couples harmoniously with the husband's corresponding need for the wife to play in that manner. But saying that doesn't preclude the inevitably of change. People grow older, their priorities evolve, sexual needs wax and wane, and the question of reorienting the relationship may surface yet again. Just as we say "I do, forsaking all others," and just as we say, "Let's not forsake all others," so too it can come full circle and others are forsaken again, but maybe not really "foresaken" because the appetite for them is no longer there in the first place.

Marriage is a lifelong journey for those who choose to make it such, and so part of that lifestyle is to adapt together to make life together optimally happy, regardless of what life throws at us. There is a commitment for those who choose to make one. A lot more gets forsaken to make marriage work well than sex with other people. Life is full of compromises made in favor of other people because without those other people being happy with us our lives would devolve quickly into utter misery. Along those lines, I wouldn't want to deprive my wife of a lifestyle practice that makes her happy any more than she would want to practice one that would make my life a living hell. So to some extent, this discussion is a pigs-with-wings hypothetical for me too. And yet, I can say fairly confidently that IF we needed to stop to be happy, our marriage would come first - we would stop and also be happy. In short, we don't truly need an open marriage arrangement to be happy. We can be happy without it. It truly is an add on for us.

[Des 31]

She says - and I'm sure she's right it would be difficult. I prefer it the way it is anyway, so that isn't likely to happen in our circumstances.

Each of us thinks that for most in successfully-open relationships it's likely to be ongoing until perhaps reaching some advanced age where sex is of lesser importance to the wife and husband. A night t a local swingers lounge where couples then congregated for social purposes, we met a couple in their late 60s who told us their extramarital activity came to an end about eight years before. The good part about all that, they said, was they have memories they still share about their younger years.

We aren't frequent users of alcohol but miss that rather unique lounge, which ultimately closed since the Covid-19 outbreak. It had been in operation for at least six years. Until told about its purpose for couples and singles to meet up, we had never before been there. We're told the former owner now owns the (mostly) cops' bar across town. If that's true, I doubt most or none of its uniformed customers have any idea of his former location's reason for being. Or maybe they do . . . Either way, it's reportedly a busy place. Because my wife knows many local officers, she has expressed interest in dropping by some night soon.

~ Des

[SSQ]

Yes, my wife and I have a veto rule, and yes, it would be "unfair" of me to exercise it. But consider what we'd have if I did grow to resent her continuing seeing other men for sex and she refused. Either a divorce or an abusive, resent-filled "marriage" if you want to call it that; but in either case the relationship is essentially over, and "fairness" is no longer possible.

This right here is perfect; but it is equally perfect the other way. Consider what you'd have if she grew to resent giving up her freedom to see other people if she capitulated to becoming monogamous again. Either a divorce or an abusive, resentment filled "marriage".

It's why the issue really can be boiled down to one of compatibility in terms of mutual wants and needs. It's like having kids- if one of you wants them and one of you doesn't, there is no compromise possible. You do or you don't.

So this will matter more to the couples who live it as part of their lifestyle than to the ones who do it as an addon, which is why there will always be differences of opinion here.

But as long as the husband and wife in a given marriage place the same level of importance on having an open relationship, things will be fine and they'll be able to work it out. It doesn't matter what other husbands and wives do, and it's not a moral or character issue. It's just about what works for each couple.

And it's why the frequent questions that come up really aren't that relevant. They are always postulating a big mismatch in the level of importance each partner puts on having an open relationship. Whether they resolve the situation or not, I think they'll be in for a world of hurt anyway.

[Tryagain]

It happened to us and wasn’t pretty.

My wife, after a number of years of my encouragement
Meets a guy who she’s attracted to and he in her.
They met at a week long seminar a perfect opportunity for a romance to percolate. BTW this was her first encounter.

Long story short she became emotionally attracted to
him and considered him her boyfriend. It was a good lesson for both of us. It threatened our marriage and taught me that whether there are rules or not life has a way of altering the rules. I said “ I wanted you to fuck him not fall in love with him. It brought out major insecurities and jealousy from me and set us back years in our (my) quest for her to experience the lifestyle. We’re going on 40 years of marriage. It was a great lesson and woke us both up to be cautious and aware of what can happen.

I think SSQ, who is in a poly relationship actually living and fucking 2 men at home, is coming from a totally different perspective that is not directly related to this more general hotwife lifestyle question. Of course she would not stop because that would constitute a truly drastic change in her lifestyle. Poly is not the same as hotwifing. That dimension of change does not appear applicable to the usual hotwife's experience.

This guy's situation is a good example to clarify the question and I would like to hear from the experienced posters here whether it is "OK" for him to ask her to stop. I ask because the wife does not seem to have had enough time to become "changed" in a fundamental way to be able to give up this new "Lifestyle".

I happen to think Parsifal is right on in what he has said.

[Her number1]

I think SSQ, who is in a poly relationship actually living and fucking 2 men at home, is coming from a totally different perspective that is not directly related to this more general hotwife lifestyle question. Of course she would not stop because that would constitute a truly drastic change in her lifestyle. Poly is not the same as hotwifing. That dimension of change does not appear applicable to the usual hotwife's experience.

This guy's situation is a good example to clarify the question and I would like to hear from the experienced posters here whether it is "OK" for him to ask her to stop. I ask because the wife does not seem to have had enough time to become "changed" in a fundamental way to be able to give up this new "Lifestyle".

I happen to think Parsifal is right on in what he has said.

Farmgirl and I aren't in a poly relationship, but I still find a lot of truth in what SSQ had to say. The first guy Farmgirl was involved with as a hotwife was one where she sort of fell for, and he fell for her. I did ask her to stop seeing him, but I did not ask her to stop hotwifing.
I think the two are vastly different things. (1) I wanted her to be a hotwife, she wanted to be a hotwife and to remain one. (2) He and her reaction to him were leading to probable marital problems for us.
I view the needed "brake on the train" can be a change in lover, but not a change of her being a hotwife. If that "brake" is felt needed by the husband, it should be discussed completely by each talking to and listening to the other. Each has a point of view that at times the other doesn't see, and if the discussions take place as often as they should, problems are abated before they become problems.
I'm not sure the example you cited could have been prevented as it was based on a level of dishonesty in the marriage.