Help! Hotwife is being sneaky

[Bgtrk]

My wife has a FWB for a couple years now. He comes over to our house for a quickie during his lunch break when I am at work and kids are at school, and then we have amazing sex when I get home from work. We would plan it all out every time and it was great! I was aware of all this as she would tell me everything and I encouraged it all for the great reclaim and rush.
Until she said she was getting tired of the quickie and wanted more of a friendship as they had before. .
It started getting weird last month when she would wait until I got home to tell me they fucked. I told her that wasn't ok, we needed to plan it out so I could mentally prepare. She listened and then the next time she did tell me before, to which I was greatfull, but I iterated as I have before my desire to be more involved in the sex, either watching or threesome, she said she isn't interested in that at this stage, and her FWB wouldn't be either, but maybe in the future.
So this past month she isn't telling me anything anymore and deletes all texts with him. I can still find the texts but she doesn't think I can.
Then last week she disappeared for over an hour saying she is going to the store to buy gum and coming back very happy. I asked her what took her so long, and she said she just got gum. Later that evening, I called her out and then she did admit that she went to meet him for coffee to talk to him as she said she told him it is over, and she didn't want to tell me cause that would make a hard situation worst. I believed her.
I found out today that she was texting saying I miss you to him and asking him to meet up again tomorrow, but all she told me yesterday is he asked if she "is around". I appreciate that she told me something, but it's not the complete truth. She even organized the texts that way to cover up the miss you and plans she made with him in case I confront her again.

I don't know how do I deal with this. I am shaking and going crazy. Am I over reacting? Our rules were always to be open and honest. I am worried she really wants a SECRET affair. I can't handle secrecy, it makes me crazy and worried I might want to too and that could end up in our marriage downward spiral.
If I confront her she will ask how I know, then I tell her where my source of information comes from, she then eliminates that source, and I am left with distrust and not knowing anything.
Any insight or help is appreciated as sadly I have no one to talk about this with.

[Her number1]

You two have way more problems than her being "sneaky". You're no better!

[jw_kk]

You're fucked, giving you the benefit of the doubt.

Your rules, "our rules," and her rules may not intersect, and for the most part, only her decisions matter. You can always leave.

That said, some women need the "secret." It is a power thing. Part of her trip, her need. You can either accept that, or walk.

[Bgtrk]

You two have way more problems than her being "sneaky". You're no better!

Thanks for getting to the point Her number1, but can you please elaborate? What can or should I be doing different?
What are the more problems your referring too? How to work on those. I really want to make this work, or am I fucked now?

[Natatude]

Wow,,, that’s true you’re no better keeping your secret. Hubby and I also have rules and no secrets. I have one lover I have saw for almost 2 years now, he can’t do the threesome, so I see him alone, hubby is ok with it, however I’d rather Grizzly be a part of it.

Good luck to you, just be honest and up front, talk to her tell her you expect the same in return.

[2inUPMichigan]

Neither one of you is being open and honest.
It doesn't sound like much listening is happening during discussions between the two of you.
Talking at vs talking with

The two of you have a major breakdown in trust and communication. Hotwifing isn't the problem.

The two of you have very definite ideas on what you each want BUT you have not worked towards a compromise that will work for BOTH of you.
Instead of he and she it should be us.

Start from the beginning and work together on your communication skills and how you interact with each other. Maybe you can work together in the future instead of working against each other.

[Bgtrk]

Neither one of you is being open and honest.
It doesn't sound like much listening is happening during discussions between the two of you.
Talking at vs talking with

The two of you have a major breakdown in trust and communication. Hotwifing isn't the problem.

The two of you have very definite ideas on what you each want BUT you have not worked towards a compromise that will work for BOTH of you.
Instead of he and she it should be us.

Start from the beginning and work together on your communication skills and how you interact with each other. Maybe you can work together in the future instead of working against each other.

I really appreciate this, it gives me some clarity. I am going to get up the courage to talk to her tonight now that I am calm and try to understand where she is coming from. Hope it doesn't blow up in my face, but I do think there is a chance for us to be completely open and honest with each other. She shouldn't need to be sneaky and if there is a reason, she should be able to tell me at least the reason and we go from there.
Wish me luck!

[Luv It]

I agree 100%.
Open communication is mandatory concerning what you both want out of this

[Allinfun]

You probably shouldn't be "hotwifing". Neither of you seem ready for it.

If you trusted each other and stuck to your word, you might be able to get to a place where she can be sneaky if that's what she needs to enjoy this life, but she texts you once she is where she's going and then shares with you as much as you're both comfortable with afterward. Letting you know where she is in real time, to me, is a safety matter.

[Her number1]

You two have way more problems than her being "sneaky". You're no better!

Thanks for getting to the point Her number1, but can you please elaborate? What can or should I be doing different?
What are the more problems your referring too? How to work on those. I really want to make this work, or am I fucked now?

Let me start off with there are some who would say that she is at fault. Maybe she is, maybe not; I haven't heard her side of things.
What I do know is that you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself. You can talk, hopefully listen more than talk, and you can negotiate; but still, it is only you that can change yourself.
Most likely, you set rules that she may have agreed to because she felt she had to. That is why "rules" cause more problems than they help. "Rules" are completely unnecessary if both of you trust the other. Once you truly trust her, and her you, there is no need for rules, each will protect the other, and each has the other's back. That is trust. No hiding, no sneaking, no spying, no snooping, no "what iffing".
You think she is being "sneaky", while you're snooping on her. There is no trust. There can be no open communication because there is no trust. Those two things go hand in hand.
I'm sure you wanted her to hotwife, that's what we husbands want and why we're here to discuss the LS. But, you also want her to do it on your terms. Well, she has her way of wanting things too, and she is the one fucking other men because her husband wanted it.
If you really need "to plan it out so I could mentally prepare", then you either aren't ready for this, or you just want it to play out like the fantasy in your head.

You work on these problems by working on yourself. Once you decide to fix yourself and commit to trusting her, then you can talk to her, listen to her, and negotiate a path for the both of you together.

[Gulfcpl]

You two have way more problems than her being "sneaky". You're no better!

Thanks for getting to the point Her number1, but can you please elaborate? What can or should I be doing different?
What are the more problems your referring too? How to work on those. I really want to make this work, or am I fucked now?

Let me start off with there are some who would say that she is at fault. Maybe she is, maybe not; I haven't heard her side of things.
What I do know is that you can't change someone else, you can only change yourself. You can talk, hopefully listen more than talk, and you can negotiate; but still, it is only you that can change yourself.
Most likely, you set rules that she may have agreed to because she felt she had to. That is why "rules" cause more problems than they help. "Rules" are completely unnecessary if both of you trust the other. Once you truly trust her, and her you, there is no need for rules, each will protect the other, and each has the other's back. That is trust. No hiding, no sneaking, no spying, no snooping, no "what iffing".
You think she is being "sneaky", while you're snooping on her. There is no trust. There can be no open communication because there is no trust. Those two things go hand in hand.
I'm sure you wanted her to hotwife, that's what we husbands want and why we're here to discuss the LS. But, you also want her to do it on your terms. Well, she has her way of wanting things too, and she is the one fucking other men because her husband wanted it.
If you really need "to plan it out so I could mentally prepare", then you either aren't ready for this, or you just want it to play out like the fantasy in your head.

You work on these problems by working on yourself. Once you decide to fix yourself and commit to trusting her, then you can talk to her, listen to her, and negotiate a path for the both of you together.

This is a great synopsis of what any relationship should be and what is missing in so many relationships today. There is no trust nor communication. What Hernumber1 just said should be central to every marriage or relationship. Unfortunately, it’s not. It it were, there wouldn’t be so many threads on here seeking advice. The advice should come from your partner, not us. I would never want to live with someone I don’t trust. We have enough of that in society. I can’t imagine living under the same roof with anyone without that key ingredient. Great thoughts Hernumber1.

[Tryagain]

This guy's wife has started to fall for her lover. I don't think this was foreseen but should have been considered if they had a thorough and honest discussion about this possibility.

However, she is the one who is presenting the problem. Hot-wifing is a "couple's activity" - it is a mutual decision as to the particular nature of how it is carried out. It is not solely a wife's choice of methods. She has now arbitrarily changed the method without his agreement.

In addition, her desire to spend more time with the lover is so strong that she is indeed "sneaking" around to see him. THAT is the biggest warning sign that the whole relationship may be in jeopardy and SHE is the one causing the potential for a break in the relationship.

"Most likely, you set rules that she may have agreed to because she felt she had to. That is why "rules" cause more problems than they help. "Rules" are completely unnecessary if both of you trust the other. Once you truly trust her, and her you, there is no need for rules, each will protect the other, and each has the other's back. That is trust. No hiding, no sneaking, no spying, no snooping, no "what iffing".
You think she is being "sneaky", while you're snooping on her. There is no trust. There can be no open communication because there is no trust. Those two things go hand in hand."

Frankly it is too bad for her that the "rules" bother her. There is no indication that was was "forced" to agree to anything. I note that the above quote seems to refer mainly to the husband's actions. The quote seems to indicate that she is not really being "sneaky" - it is in quotes - and he it the bad one snooping on her.

In my view this wife's "sneaky" behavior is a lot worse for the relationship than his mere snooping on her phone - which she has caused anyway by her actions.

What should he do? bummer - no easy answers They have to explore what each really wants from this lifestyle and and come to a new "agreement".

Go to short term counseling if both cannot agree on things.

[Abrandnewstart194]

The instant sneaking (by either party) takes place, it’s time to stop playing. It’s not play anymore, it’s abuse.

[Her number1]

This guy's wife has started to fall for her lover. I don't think this was foreseen but should have been considered if they had a thorough and honest discussion about this possibility.

However, she is the one who is presenting the problem. Hot-wifing is a "couple's activity" - it is a mutual decision as to the particular nature of how it is carried out. It is not solely a wife's choice of methods. She has now arbitrarily changed the method without his agreement.

In addition, her desire to spend more time with the lover is so strong that she is indeed "sneaking" around to see him. THAT is the biggest warning sign that the whole relationship may be in jeopardy and SHE is the one causing the potential for a break in the relationship.

"Most likely, you set rules that she may have agreed to because she felt she had to. That is why "rules" cause more problems than they help. "Rules" are completely unnecessary if both of you trust the other. Once you truly trust her, and her you, there is no need for rules, each will protect the other, and each has the other's back. That is trust. No hiding, no sneaking, no spying, no snooping, no "what iffing".
You think she is being "sneaky", while you're snooping on her. There is no trust. There can be no open communication because there is no trust. Those two things go hand in hand."

Frankly it is too bad for her that the "rules" bother her. There is no indication that was was "forced" to agree to anything. I note that the above quote seems to refer mainly to the husband's actions. The quote seems to indicate that she is not really being "sneaky" - it is in quotes - and he it the bad one snooping on her.

In my view this wife's "sneaky" behavior is a lot worse for the relationship than his mere snooping on her phone - which she has caused anyway by her actions.

What should he do? bummer - no easy answers They have to explore what each really wants from this lifestyle and and come to a new "agreement".

Go to short term counseling if both cannot agree on things.

You cast judgment by concidering only the OP's side.
My words were directed to the OP, the only person in the convrsation that can change things.
The old adage, Physician, heal thyself.

[Bgtrk]

I appreciate all the feedback and consideration for both of us.
Hernumber1 is absolutely right that I can only control myself and those words really rung hard for me.

We had a long talk last night I was able to iterated how important trust is thanks to all of your your comments. She said nothing happened when she went sneaking off, only coffee, walks, drives and talking. She said she had a lot going on with life which is why she didn't tell me. I said I think it would be better to stop, but she said her preference is to not stop. She said she would tell me everything going forward, she also said she would stop if it meant that much to me but she would be sad/ resentful for a while losing someone she cares about. In particular loosing a friend, the benefits part she said doesn't matter, although I question that and as soon as she starts rubbing my cock again, she could talk me into fucking him again in a second. But I have to put the hotwifing a side and just think if I am ok for her to have a close male friend that she cares deeply about. One thing that bothers me is she would hate it for me to have a female friend.

Anyway now my guard is up, I know I need to trust her, but the thought of her sneaking around with him again would break my heart and make me loose it again and think the worst (that's she's choosing him over me).
I can't decide if I should allow myself to be ok with it for her empowerment, or not.

Incredible dilemma.

[BrunetteLover]

The only way checking her texts is OK is if it you do it ONCE and it convinces you that this is no longer a hotwife situation. If it ever was.

She is cheating. Period.

Some may not agree that you should be checking her texts, but in my opinion, you get ONE chance to do that and still be doing it morally.

If you do not act on the situation, and still check her texts, you are no better.

I have done this type of work, and clients are told we gather enough Info to hold up in court, we don't stick around for continued drama.

[Firefighterlksh]

She's saying she doesn't want to loose a friend that she has feelings for, but how woukd she be loosing this male friend? If she is no longer having sex with him, they can still be friends? Sounds like he has told her no sex then we are done as friends. Kind of getting the feeling this guy gave her an ultimatum??