What do you and your wife fight about?

[wwatcher]

I mean specifically related to hotwifing.

In our case,my wife has a boyfriend who lives in another state. She flies over to visit him every 8 weeks or so, for a long weekend. She takes off her rings and generally acts like she is single when she is with him. She was at his place before Christmas and helped him decorate his tree, and he took her to his company holiday party as his date.

I should also mention that they have a history. She dated him for 3 years right after college, until he dumped her and ghosted her.

I can’t call her while she is with him, and she will not call me. She may send me a text once or twice a day and that’s it.

I would like to watch or participate but she feels that would be awkward and her BF doesn’t want that either.

Even when she is not with him she texts him multiple times a week, sometimes every day, and they talk on the phone 2 to 3 times a week for 45 minutes to an hour at a time.

I have suggested that she should see other guys closer to home, so I can watch and participate, and she has said she’s open to the idea, but the situation has to be just right. I’m frankly skeptical that will ever happen.

Sorry for the long post, but just wanted to provide sufficient background.

I feel like she’s using hotwifing to basically have an affair - albeit one that I know about. I don’t like the fact that she and her BF have history, and there is this secrecy around their relationship,

I feel like my needs and desires are not being respected, and I’m being taken advantage of.

This is the central topic of our fights.

So I have 2 questions:
1. What do you guys fight about, specifically related to hotwifing?
2. What advice do you have for me? How can I turn this situation into a win win for both of us?

Thanks for reading and for any advice you can provide.

[Jujube]

I think we’d need to know more about your history in order to offer advice. Was it your idea for her to play around? Was her ex the easiest way to do what she’s doing? Do you both have a good sex life together? I think if you are giving her the opportunity to fuck another man, she needs to reciprocate with details about her fun at the very least.

[wwatcher]

Fair enough. Here’s our history: we’ve been married for 12 years, and it’s the second marriage for both of us. We were both married to other people when we met.

It was my idea to start hotwifing. She was reluctant at first, but she after started off with her ex about a year ago, she has taken to it like duck to water. She can’t wait to go on her hotwife weekends,and I mentioned in my original post, she spends a fair amount of time on the phone with him when she’s not physically with him.

Our sex life is great, and has definitely gotten better since she started hotwifing. She dresses more sexy now than she ever did, and has even bought some lingerie - primarily for her weekends with her boyfriend, but I get to enjoy the benefits as well.

Let me know if I can provide any further details.

[Natatude]

We don’t fight or argue. He does get jealous at times or voices his opinions of my lovers. However we talk about things and it will be fine. I wish you the best. However I would feel like you’re feeling. Just talk to her let her know how this makes you feel.

[Her number1]

I mean specifically related to hotwifing.

In our case,my wife has a boyfriend who lives in another state. She flies over to visit him every 8 weeks or so, for a long weekend. She takes off her rings and generally acts like she is single when she is with him. She was at his place before Christmas and helped him decorate his tree, and he took her to his company holiday party as his date.

I should also mention that they have a history. She dated him for 3 years right after college, until he dumped her and ghosted her.

I can’t call her while she is with him, and she will not call me. She may send me a text once or twice a day and that’s it.

I would like to watch or participate but she feels that would be awkward and her BF doesn’t want that either.

Even when she is not with him she texts him multiple times a week, sometimes every day, and they talk on the phone 2 to 3 times a week for 45 minutes to an hour at a time.

I have suggested that she should see other guys closer to home, so I can watch and participate, and she has said she’s open to the idea, but the situation has to be just right. I’m frankly skeptical that will ever happen.

Sorry for the long post, but just wanted to provide sufficient background.

I feel like she’s using hotwifing to basically have an affair - albeit one that I know about. I don’t like the fact that she and her BF have history, and there is this secrecy around their relationship,

I feel like my needs and desires are not being respected, and I’m being taken advantage of.

This is the central topic of our fights.

So I have 2 questions:
1. What do you guys fight about, specifically related to hotwifing?
2. What advice do you have for me? How can I turn this situation into a win win for both of us?

Thanks for reading and for any advice you can provide.

I'm taking your wife's side on this.
I'm just an outsider looking in, going by what you've told us. You wanted a hotwife, you have one. But she's not playing by your script, so you're upset.
Strikes me as you won the lottery, but not happy with the size of the bills.

Now on the other part, Farmgirl and I fight over communication. I'm from Mars, she's from Venus. We've both learned a form of English, but still, many phrases and some understandinding just don't cross over from Martian to Vesuvian.
In those instances, I try to place myself a rung lower than her. I can't make her see my way everytime, but I can make myself see where she is coming from. In the end, my glass is always full. Not half way full or half way empty.
I choose to see my blessing.

[Jujube]

I agree with Her number1, you wanted a hot wife, now you have one.. it’s just not adhering to the script you had in mind. I think you both need to communicate about how you can be more involved. Sure, she’s using hotwifing as an excuse to have an affair, but really that’s what hotwifing is all about. Tell her you want to know everything they do, and she can hint at other details just to tease you. Who knows? You might flip out if you watched!

[wwatcher]

Good points.I will definitely talk to her and explain that I need to be more involved. This needs to be fun for both of us. Right now it’s 95:5 in her favor.

I will keep you all posted. In the meantime, other pieces of advice or points of view are welcome!

[The good hub]

I do not agree with the above posters that you got what you asked for. Obviously, their are a lot of details none of us know but your not like the fat kid at prom here!! You don’t wave your own wants and desires once she takes on the title as hot wife. As others suggested, have a very in depth talk with your wife about what it is you want now. Yes, that is likely to be different than what you wanted in the beginning. Then listen to what she wants; also likely to have changed. Figure out a way for both of you to be happy doing it or put an immediate stop to it. Without you both in the same page, it will destroy your relationship.

XRG and I reached that point very early in our journey. Our solution is constantly evolving but it boiled down to her making me feel more involved. She will tell you, it was not easy but she has made changes and that made all the difference. I was literally a minute away from canceling the whole thing when she figured it out.

[Tank Turner]

Hi wwatcher,

You have a lot of very serious issues to resolve. If you feel that your wife doesn't respect you and neglects your concerns, you do not have a marriage. You have an association that's legitimized by a marriage certificate.

If sounds like your wife is in love with her paramour. She prioritizes his needs above yours. Taking off her wedding rings that symbolizes her commitment to you before she fucks her paramour is a huge red flag. The only time my wife takes of her rings is during rough porn star sex. Diamonds can cut the shit out of skin. She does not take them off to symbolize a disassociation from me. She takes them off to prevent injuries.

It sounds like your wife is fucking him out of an expression of love, not merely for the exquisite sensation of sexual euphoria. My wife and I know the difference between sex for physical euphoria and sex as expressions of love and commitment to each other and strengthening the bond that unites us. You wife sounds like she's fucking him out of love and desire to create/strengthen the bond between them.

You might want to consider whether you'll be served with divorce papers.

[wwatcher]

Thanks everyone for the suggestions. They are all super helpful to think through the different angles and approaches to the situation at hand.
She is right now on her way back from a long weekend skiing with her boyfriend, and we had a short chat when she called me from the airport after he dropped her off.

I told her that I am totally supportive of her having fun with her boyfriend, but I need to have fun too. I said currently the fun factor was 95:5 in her favor, and even if it isn't 50:50, I'd love for it to get close to that - maybe 60:40 still in her favor.

She was totally understanding and asked what we could do for me to also be included in the fun. I said it would be good for us to see if we could find another guy (or guys) closer to home that she could fuck in my presence, so I could be involved and have access to warm and fresh creampies. She said she is totally open to that.

I said if she recognized and was supportive of my needs and desires, then I would be supportive of her continuing to see her boyfriend, so long as we could also have other guys in the mix, where I could watch and/or participate.

We are focused right now on the reclamation that is going to occur as soon as she walks in the door, and the topic of adding other guys has been broached successfully.

So what is best and safest ways to find guys? The bar scene? We have never tried AFF or Ashley Madison. Are they any good or are they mostly flakes and undesirable characters? This is a genuine question. Not dissing AFF or Ashley Madison. Just don't know, so I'm asking.

Any advice and suggestions would be very welcome. Thank you all again for the caring and thoughtful responses so far!

[leggysman]

I think you handled that really well, and she responded really well. Congratulations to both. Brilliant. This should be a team sport.

I would gravitate towards paid sites that are "lifestyle"-focused. Less chaff, more "real" guys who "get it". The cost is worth the time and aggravation saved. PM me for a suggestion.

Enjoy your reunion

[aleksander]

What does "hotwifing" mean to your wife and yourself? This is really all that matters. I can observe from the replies to this thread alone that we all have somewhat different definitions. Some think you're getting what you asked for, while others see concern.

I am in the latter category, I think you're in danger territory. Here's why I think that.

In 2019, my wife and I discussed a very similar scenario. She was perhaps willing to try "having sex outside the marriage", but instead of a less threatening, more anonymous partner, she decided on her ex-fiancee (30 years prior, we are ~50, it is our second marriages, we also met while married to our firsts).

In the end, I could not reconcile quite that far. What for me was the idea of her "meeting some acquaintance for sex" was turning into her needing to be taken out on a date by her ex. We did not go down that path, and five years later, It was the right decision.

Yet here we are, through just additional life, I see the nuances better, as does she. My wife does need a connection, but doesn't need to be to that level. She gets it now and we have progressed to her sending nudes to someone that happens to (potentially) work for us both. Until then, our sex is still amazing, and we take step by step.

Our very first goal is to protect the relationship and our lifestyle. You go from there.

[Her number1]

I do not agree with the above posters that you got what you asked for. Obviously, their are a lot of details none of us know but your not like the fat kid at prom here!! You don’t wave your own wants and desires once she takes on the title as hot wife. As others suggested, have a very in depth talk with your wife about what it is you want now. Yes, that is likely to be different than what you wanted in the beginning. Then listen to what she wants; also likely to have changed. Figure out a way for both of you to be happy doing it or put an immediate stop to it. Without you both in the same page, it will destroy your relationship.

XRG and I reached that point very early in our journey. Our solution is constantly evolving but it boiled down to her making me feel more involved. She will tell you, it was not easy but she has made changes and that made all the difference. I was literally a minute away from canceling the whole thing when she figured it out.

I believe you missed the points made by Jujube and myself, since you said you disagree. For, you said basiclly what we said.
Both of our comments were based on having good communication.
Neither of us said "you got what you asked for", nor did we say for either party to wave their wants and desires.

[Her number1]

Thanks everyone for the suggestions. They are all super helpful to think through the different angles and approaches to the situation at hand.
She is right now on her way back from a long weekend skiing with her boyfriend, and we had a short chat when she called me from the airport after he dropped her off.

I told her that I am totally supportive of her having fun with her boyfriend, but I need to have fun too. I said currently the fun factor was 95:5 in her favor, and even if it isn't 50:50, I'd love for it to get close to that - maybe 60:40 still in her favor.

She was totally understanding and asked what we could do for me to also be included in the fun. I said it would be good for us to see if we could find another guy (or guys) closer to home that she could fuck in my presence, so I could be involved and have access to warm and fresh creampies. She said she is totally open to that.

I said if she recognized and was supportive of my needs and desires, then I would be supportive of her continuing to see her boyfriend, so long as we could also have other guys in the mix, where I could watch and/or participate.

We are focused right now on the reclamation that is going to occur as soon as she walks in the door, and the topic of adding other guys has been broached successfully.

So what is best and safest ways to find guys? The bar scene? We have never tried AFF or Ashley Madison. Are they any good or are they mostly flakes and undesirable characters? This is a genuine question. Not dissing AFF or Ashley Madison. Just don't know, so I'm asking.

Any advice and suggestions would be very welcome. Thank you all again for the caring and thoughtful responses so far!

Thanks for the update. You handled that very well, it sounds like you each listened to the other and are getting on the same page.

I'm editing this because I forgot to remark about finding guys.
Leggy'sman and others can give good advice about online, but for Farmgirl, she does all of her hunting locally in real life. We call it "hunting in ghe wild". Either or both ways can be highly successful.

[Pufferfish]

Especially when starting out, making sure the both of you are on the same page is extremely important. I'm glad you guys are working something that the both of you can become happy with, or it won't work out. The arguments I had with my wife about it only happened in the beginning, so far at least, and like you it's because we weren't on the same page yet. She was wanting and willing to go through with things, but uncomfortable about what I would really be ok with and afraid of being uncomfortable or awkward, that sort of thing. After a few arguments and further clarification things became perfect. You just have to make sure you're both getting what you need, or one of you won't be happy. And then neither of you will be. Feeling left out or excluded won't lead to anything good.

It seems to me, she's going to be struggling with you being present. Expect resistance to the idea. But it's especially important to get her to try it early on if it's something that's important to you, or else she'll become extremely comfortable with you not being present, then you'll likely never be. My wife was very uncomfortable with it and didn't think she'd enjoy me being there. But after reluctantly trying it, she determined it wasn't bad and actually likes it.

As for what we argue about now, nothing really. Occasionally I'll make a suggestion or mention that I feel a bit left out or something, and she'll try to accommodate it.

[Johnann2227]

Well firstly, I would be concerned that your wife wants more from this interstate boyfriend. If he offered a relationship would she leave you?
As far as hotwifing arguments the only one's we have had is if my wife's actions are detrimental to our family. For example Friday night has always been her sleepover night at whichever boyfriend she might be seeing. The agreement though is that she is home in time to go and watch our kids play sport. A few times she didn't arrive home in time and then didn't even go straight to the game from her boyfriends. She had just got caught up in fucking and didn't notice the time. I found that disrespectful to the kids and on calming down she realised how she had stuffed up. I am happy for her to fuck whoever she wants whenever she wants but our kids come first before any cock.

[Topnotch]

Am is ok site, but they are mostly married and cheating. Probably not going to be into you watching. So you'd probably end up in a situation like your in now. Might want to try some swinging sites. Sls or sdc. Upside is am is free for women. Just have to give them a try I guess

[DonVito4u]

Ever since she's given me the gift of Hotwifing a year ago... We Don't Fight About A Damn Thing!

Are there times when she makes me annoyed and upset. Sure.

But her development and growth, her desire and curiosity, her dependence and confidence is crucial; the last thing I want is to steer her of course the Hotwife path.

For now I'm checking my own insecurities, fears, and attitude at the door.

[little sissy Benita]

It´s very easy - she made the rules and i obey

As my mommy (former wife) she need no permission to do this or that form her little daughter (me).
Also that she let real men cum in her - as her little daughter i have to be happy and grateful for this - and besonders when she get pregnat

little Benita

[bltn1966]

We’ve had one big fight. This one guy fucked my wife from one end of the hotel room to another LITERALLY. They had sex on the floor, bed, dresser and the sofa. I thought they were having some intense sex. When we got in the car to leave my wife said the guy was terrible in bed. I was floored and immediately became irate. Why didn’t she speak up or say something? She said she didn’t want to be a party pooper and spoil the fun for me. I can’t explain how mad I was at her. I made her promise not to ever do that again. It’s only fun for me when it’s fun for her.

[wwatcher]

Thanks for all the great advice and comments! I sincerely appreciate it.

We had a long chat and we came to an agreement that she could continue to see her out of state boyfriend, as long as she is willing to fuck other guys and let me watch. She was totally onboard with that, so now we’re planning an evening out, with her dressed in her open cup bra with a thin T shirt and short skirt to see what action we’re able to pick up.

I will post updates as they occur. Thanks everyone!