Not a Cuckold, but Thought I'd Share My Situation

[drstrangelove]

Another update on my end as things are always developing it seems.

So last night my wife had plans in place already to take kids out with a friend to see the new Willy Wonka. I played some video games and read and had a nice evening resetting.

My wife on the other hand felt very anxious—she was exhausted and had to deal with kids. All she wanted to do was be near me so I could comfort her, so she texted me a bit back and forth as it helped settle her nerves.

I lightened things up by suggesting this Valentine’s Day she see him in the afternoon and ask him to fuck her so hard she’s too sore to have sex with her hubby at night—then maybe I take her right out on a date before she can clean up.

She thought it was a really hot idea and I could tell she relaxed and we had an exchange about other topics.

When she came home I was in bed already and she got ready and joined me. We cuddled and I told her I’m still horny if she was up for anything. She let me know that she was really sore down there and would appreciate a some recovery time—she offered a HJ the next day if I was ok with that as a compromise and I was. We cuddled and fell asleep together.

We both woke up around 3:30 a.m. We were cuddled and she turned to me and asked if I still wanted to fool around—she added: “I am really sore though, so if you want sex, you have to be really gentle with me, ok?”

I replied: “Why are you so sore? Was he not gentle with you??”

Her: “Babe, I know you’re teasing, but he’s very rough with me—and it’s ok, because I liked it—but it might take me a bit to get used to it as it’s been a long time since I’ve had sex like that.”

So I told her I was fine with just her hand as I didn’t want to hurt her. She told me I was so sweet and then she leaned in to excite me a bit while she stroked me. I reciprocated and got her off with my fingers fairly quickly.

We discussed when the next date would be and she had already started to think it through. She wants the next meet to be at night/evening on a day she doesn’t have to commute to work the next day. She’d also like to extend the time a bit—have it last about two hours instead of 75~ min as they were both interested in doing another round but had to stop prematurely. So her thinking was if we are all good on the plan still tomorrow, she would reach out to F to set something up for this coming Thursday (if it works for his schedule too).

I agreed and asked her if she needed a built in buffer of no sex with me or if one day was enough. She said her preference would be to reconnect and have sex or whatever I want to do after she sees F, but then give her a few days of no sex leading up to the next F visit. Essentially, she’d like to get a few days of rest from sex leading up to seeing him again, but would be ok offering her hand if I need it during that time.

I thought that was more than reasonable.

I then asked if there was anything she wanted to do with him this time that she didn’t get to the first time.

She told me she wanted him to bend her over his bed and fuck her hard from behind. And when he was close, she wanted to turn around and take his dick in her mouth to swallow his cum. She said she really wanted to swallow him the first time but she also knew I wanted him to cum on her so I could clean, but she said if they have a longer session, there will be plenty to go around.

We also discussed telling her sister as it’s really been turning me on to think about. I asked her what she planned to say and she said she has to be totally upfront, so she’s going to tell her that she has started having sex with F again and that I’m ok with it.

I noted that she’s going to want to understand why she’s doing it though, so my wife told me she would be blunt that the sex with F is incredible and she can’t get that in her marriage, so because I’m ok with it, she is going to take advantage of the option and enjoy herself.

She tried to calm any concerns reminding me of how non-judgmental her sister is, but then asked if I’d get turned on seeing her knowing she now knows I’m a cuckold. And of course the answer is yes.

I was close to cuming and asked if I could have sex with her quick; she said yes but reminded me to be gentle. I licked her a bit to make sure she was wet, but she had me stop because it stung and asked me to put it in. She told me that she understood it must be hard hearing this, but I need to understand how sore F made her and not to hurt her. I fucked her for a bit and came on her stomach.

After cleaning up, we tried to go back to sleep. About 30 min later we were still up and she let me know she had changed her mind and thinks Thursday is a very bad idea. I asked why, and she wouldn’t answer—and then it immediately hit me: Thursday is Jan. 4, the two-year anniversary of their first fuck at the hotel. She said she didn’t want to risk that spiraling me and causing a problem (and I get the sense she is more concerned that it could give her problems if I freak out and pull plug—she wants to be cautious about my emotions so she can keep fucking him).

My instinct is I’d be fine and it would be a good thing—let’s me re-write history and turn an old wound into a point of healing. I’m going to think it over and she’s going to wait for at least tomorrow to set the next date.

[residueS]

Thanks for the update! Do you have any idea what the sister gonna react? I assume anyone knows you guys history and not aware your kink will probably say that is a bad idea. Her sister probably knows that affair almost break you guys up, and she may also be concerned about your mental state. And why you are okay with it considering the history. Did she know your kink at all?

[Rogueuser1]

Such a hot update - glad you guys are having such great communication about everything.

I'd also like to take a moment and just applaud your wife for being so great on following the rules this first time and still thinking about you even as she was relaxing and getting fucked hard. I am sure she won't be as good every time --- it's impossible for anyone to be perfect after all --- but at least she is starting out 1 for 1. I'd encourage you to remember that in the future if she does have a day where she isn't quite so thoughtful. Hopefully she goes 500 for 500 on being good and remembering all the rules but if she suddenly ends up 9 for 10 or even 1 for 2 remember to not be too upset.

[drstrangelove]

Thanks for the update! Do you have any idea what the sister gonna react? I assume anyone knows you guys history and not aware your kink will probably say that is a bad idea. Her sister probably knows that affair almost break you guys up, and she may also be concerned about your mental state. And why you are okay with it considering the history. Did she know your kink at all?

Her sister is one of the few people my wife confided in during the affair, along with her mom. Her mom turned into an enabler and her sister kept a firm stance that she should end the affair ASAP. And yes, the sister is well aware it almost broke us up and she is will likely be firmly against it—however, she is also incredibly sweet and non-judgmental. I think once she confirms that I’m genuinely ok with it all, she’ll forgo too much concern.

And the sister has no idea about my kink.

Ultimately, my wife feels she will need someone else to confide in at some point—her and I will have unrelated fights and disagreements throughout our marriage and she doesn’t want to ever feel like she’s alone with no outlet. I think that’s reasonable and of all the options, her sister is the best person for that role.

[drstrangelove]

Such a hot update - glad you guys are having such great communication about everything.

I'd also like to take a moment and just applaud your wife for being so great on following the rules this first time and still thinking about you even as she was relaxing and getting fucked hard. I am sure she won't be as good every time --- it's impossible for anyone to be perfect after all --- but at least she is starting out 1 for 1. I'd encourage you to remember that in the future if she does have a day where she isn't quite so thoughtful. Hopefully she goes 500 for 500 on being good and remembering all the rules but if she suddenly ends up 9 for 10 or even 1 for 2 remember to not be too upset.

Thanks, and I agree. I do believe this gets a bit less tense as we go now. Yesterday had a tremendous amount of pressure built in; especially on my wife. She had to go off to his house, be light and carefree as his porn star, then jump in her car and drive home to me 10 min later and be loving and compassionate.

The pitfall I see is she will often struggle with empathy—she can be compassionate anytime she needs to turn that on, especially if I tell her that’s what I need. But she’s poor at assessing a situation and putting herself in my shoes, so she can often have the “wrong” response at times. It was a major issue in the months following the affair due to my vulnerability and I can feel myself back in that mental state again.

Once I get my feet underneath me and am more comfortable with this arrangement, I won’t be as delicate and she won’t be as likely to hurt me. In the short term, we both need to keep our compassion for each other maxed and not risk misunderstanding how the other feels.

[Long Lurker 34]

Such a hot update - glad you guys are having such great communication about everything.

I'd also like to take a moment and just applaud your wife for being so great on following the rules this first time and still thinking about you even as she was relaxing and getting fucked hard. I am sure she won't be as good every time --- it's impossible for anyone to be perfect after all --- but at least she is starting out 1 for 1. I'd encourage you to remember that in the future if she does have a day where she isn't quite so thoughtful. Hopefully she goes 500 for 500 on being good and remembering all the rules but if she suddenly ends up 9 for 10 or even 1 for 2 remember to not be too upset.

Thanks, and I agree. I do believe this gets a bit less tense as we go now. Yesterday had a tremendous amount of pressure built in; especially on my wife. She had to go off to his house, be light and carefree as his porn star, then jump in her car and drive home to me 10 min later and be loving and compassionate.

The pitfall I see is she will often struggle with empathy—she can be compassionate anytime she needs to turn that on, especially if I tell her that’s what I need. But she’s poor at assessing a situation and putting herself in my shoes, so she can often have the “wrong” response at times. It was a major issue in the months following the affair due to my vulnerability and I can feel myself back in that mental state again.

Once I get my feet underneath me and am more comfortable with this arrangement, I won’t be as delicate and she won’t be as likely to hurt me. In the short term, we both need to keep our compassion for each other maxed and not risk misunderstanding how the other feels.

DRSL - Perhaps, as part of your ongoing communication with this new arrangement, you build in a sort of debrief. Such that as much as she relates what transpired in the bed, she queries you/you relate how things effected you. And this may not always be immediate, but could transpire over a few days as you process things.

[drstrangelove]

Such a hot update - glad you guys are having such great communication about everything.

I'd also like to take a moment and just applaud your wife for being so great on following the rules this first time and still thinking about you even as she was relaxing and getting fucked hard. I am sure she won't be as good every time --- it's impossible for anyone to be perfect after all --- but at least she is starting out 1 for 1. I'd encourage you to remember that in the future if she does have a day where she isn't quite so thoughtful. Hopefully she goes 500 for 500 on being good and remembering all the rules but if she suddenly ends up 9 for 10 or even 1 for 2 remember to not be too upset.

Thanks, and I agree. I do believe this gets a bit less tense as we go now. Yesterday had a tremendous amount of pressure built in; especially on my wife. She had to go off to his house, be light and carefree as his porn star, then jump in her car and drive home to me 10 min later and be loving and compassionate.

The pitfall I see is she will often struggle with empathy—she can be compassionate anytime she needs to turn that on, especially if I tell her that’s what I need. But she’s poor at assessing a situation and putting herself in my shoes, so she can often have the “wrong” response at times. It was a major issue in the months following the affair due to my vulnerability and I can feel myself back in that mental state again.

Once I get my feet underneath me and am more comfortable with this arrangement, I won’t be as delicate and she won’t be as likely to hurt me. In the short term, we both need to keep our compassion for each other maxed and not risk misunderstanding how the other feels.

DRSL - Perhaps, as part of your ongoing communication with this new arrangement, you build in a sort of debrief. Such that as much as she relates what transpired in the bed, she queries you/you relate how things effected you. And this may not always be immediate, but could transpire over a few days as you process things.

For sure!

I had read that in addition to sharing the details, it’s also good for both of us to exchange things we did not like about the day, even if not critical. Often times people don’t want to be nitpicky, but they end up holding onto issues that later emerge as resentments.

So we did that last night and I think it set a nice foundation.

But as for how I’m feeling specifically, I honestly don’t know. It’s just weird—another guy fucked my wife. And he’s actively texting her about it; and she’s actively telling him how much she enjoyed it. It’s a lot to handle for sure. It’s a lot to see how much she’s into him—she’s has new boyfriend and that does encroach on our relationship dynamic significantly.

So I feel strange because I recognize this has a life of its own—we now slowly adapt back to our usual lives, but she has a new person in hers and they’re developing emotional and physical bonds. So I guess that’s scary, but I don’t see a reasonable way to avoid feeling destabilized.

[jratt85]

I don’t think a gangbang is coming and I suspect you may be too far down the porn rabbit hole. That said, you were also the only person to point out to me two years ago that she was likely cheating, so I certainly won’t dismiss your opinion!

Funny how that works huh? Don't discount when I get feelings about things happening.. I knew when and how BB King was going to die two weeks before it happened.. I knew when and how Robin Williams was going to die two weeks before it happened.. I've also oddly been the last person to talk to both my grandfather and my great uncle and felt that my uncle was sick/had cancer when he was here for Thanksgiving right after the "Camp Fire" in 18 and he ended up dying of cancer/a stroke a year later. When I get feelings I just can't shake or explain, definitely pay attention to them.. Reading what I had about what you said was going on was giving me a pit in my stomach and I just couldn't shake the feeling that she was cheating on you.. and sure enough I was right again. I hate it but for some reason I have a "gift" for those sort of things, just like when I felt the need to search the computer for something only to figure out that my dad was cheating on my mom with other guys... Yeah.. that happened and I had to break it to my mom.. yay me.

That said, I have to laugh that you went back and edited what you wrote three times.. I have to wonder if it was just spelling errors or trying to lessen how you put things.

As for the gangbang thing.. well that is the big one isn't it? If you were going to have a fuck toy at your disposal that you wanted to see acting like a complete slut for you.. that's where it'd eventually go unless you're really possessive of your toy and unwilling to share. Will it happen quickly, doubt it, will he share her with someone else once he knows she's down for it and isn't going to run away.. most likely, and once he does it'll likely be the green light for him to take it to the extreme. Currently he's gauging just how far he can push her. Soon he'll start introducing slutty outfits and maybe bondage into the mix as well as anal and maybe even dp with a toy in one hole and him in the other. (I'd buy her a jeweled buttplug and a good cleansing setup to help with that so she doesn't have a "poop issue" again, being fully rinsed out really well and using a lot of lube is a must) Then he'll just keep pushing her farther with public play and pictures/videos, maybe a sex club.. there's lots of possibilities. Ultimately though, I think that's where it'll end up.

My question about it though is likely the same one you'll have.. How much are you ultimately going to be able to handle before your relationship is over? Obviously you're early on in coming to terms with reality vs fantasy, but something's saying to me that it wasn't quite what you were hoping for and you're a lot more insecure than you thought you were. You've been begging for it for so long, saying it was the only way your relationship could move forward because you wanted it so fucking badly, and now that it's happened.. it's harder to take than you realized.

(oh and I hope you realized that I'm doing everything I can to curb my normal reaction of comparing myself to you on this.. it hasn't been easy to shut up and keep it 100% on your side of things instead of interjecting my own thoughts and whatnot like I typically do. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm just an outsider looking in with absolutely 0 experience and only a lot of knowledge from reading over the last 25 years and a fair bit of intuition.. I can feel out what I can feel out and see patterns but I honestly have no clue first hand like most of the people on here do so I need to shut up and stop injecting myself into your world.)

[Coolcalm]

this…

[drstrangelove]

I don’t think a gangbang is coming and I suspect you may be too far down the porn rabbit hole. That said, you were also the only person to point out to me two years ago that she was likely cheating, so I certainly won’t dismiss your opinion!

Funny how that works huh? Don't discount when I get feelings about things happening.. I knew when and how BB King was going to die two weeks before it happened.. I knew when and how Robin Williams was going to die two weeks before it happened.. I've also oddly been the last person to talk to both my grandfather and my great uncle and felt that my uncle was sick/had cancer when he was here for Thanksgiving right after the "Camp Fire" in 18 and he ended up dying of cancer/a stroke a year later. When I get feelings I just can't shake or explain, definitely pay attention to them.. Reading what I had about what you said was going on was giving me a pit in my stomach and I just couldn't shake the feeling that she was cheating on you.. and sure enough I was right again. I hate it but for some reason I have a "gift" for those sort of things, just like when I felt the need to search the computer for something only to figure out that my dad was cheating on my mom with other guys... Yeah.. that happened and I had to break it to my mom.. yay me.

That said, I have to laugh that you went back and edited what you wrote three times.. I have to wonder if it was just spelling errors or trying to lessen how you put things.

As for the gangbang thing.. well that is the big one isn't it? If you were going to have a fuck toy at your disposal that you wanted to see acting like a complete slut for you.. that's where it'd eventually go unless you're really possessive of your toy and unwilling to share. Will it happen quickly, doubt it, will he share her with someone else once he knows she's down for it and isn't going to run away.. most likely, and once he does it'll likely be the green light for him to take it to the extreme. Currently he's gauging just how far he can push her. Soon he'll start introducing slutty outfits and maybe bondage into the mix as well as anal and maybe even dp with a toy in one hole and him in the other. (I'd buy her a jeweled buttplug and a good cleansing setup to help with that so she doesn't have a "poop issue" again, being fully rinsed out really well and using a lot of lube is a must) Then he'll just keep pushing her farther with public play and pictures/videos, maybe a sex club.. there's lots of possibilities. Ultimately though, I think that's where it'll end up.

My question about it though is likely the same one you'll have.. How much are you ultimately going to be able to handle before your relationship is over? Obviously you're early on in coming to terms with reality vs fantasy, but something's saying to me that it wasn't quite what you were hoping for and you're a lot more insecure than you thought you were. You've been begging for it for so long, saying it was the only way your relationship could move forward because you wanted it so fucking badly, and now that it's happened.. it's harder to take than you realized.

(oh and I hope you realized that I'm doing everything I can to curb my normal reaction of comparing myself to you on this.. it hasn't been easy to shut up and keep it 100% on your side of things instead of interjecting my own thoughts and whatnot like I typically do. Sometimes I have to remind myself that I'm just an outsider looking in with absolutely 0 experience and only a lot of knowledge from reading over the last 25 years and a fair bit of intuition.. I can feel out what I can feel out and see patterns but I honestly have no clue first hand like most of the people on here do so I need to shut up and stop injecting myself into your world.)

Jratt, I edit most of my posts several times—I typically write them on my phone and I go back to fix typos because it would drive me nuts to knowingly leave them there lol.

As for gangbangs, I’ll just say at this point my wife is very far away from that being a reality. If it happens down the line, you’ll all certainly be the first to know about it.

And to your last point, you’re 100% correct that I’m learning that I’m more insecure than I thought I was. I never felt like this before because when it was a fantasy, I was always horny about it. But as I now see, most of my life is lived when I’m not horny, and wrestling with jealousy and insecurity at those points is proving difficult.

I suppose now I’m trying to sort through two very simple options—lean into the kink and continue down this path, enjoying the ride, or call it quits and admit defeat that the fantasy isn’t like the reality.

I suppose if I were giving myself advice, I’d suggest I pause things here for a bit longer—suggest my wife not see F again this week and let the time play out and see how I feel.

But I recognize that as long as the door is open, I’ll reach a point where I want my wife to walk through it—that’s the torture of this kink: as soon as I am horny, I’ll want her to text F and ask to see him. So if I have any controlling input, this will likely never stop.

**

This topic also connects into tonight. I hosted and prepared an elaborate tasting menu for six guests. 99% of the night I was distracted and focused on cooking, but every once in awhile, very briefly, the reality of my wife’s sexual adventure smashed me in the brain. I was surrounded by friends and family and I found it impossible to feel loved by my wife. She was being perfect; so it was all on me and my perception.

Everyone left by around 11 p.m. and I crashed on my couch to close my eyes and reset. My wife came over and leaned into me, telling me I was amazing and that I just made such a wonderful meal. In that moment, I needed space though, and I asked her for a few minutes alone.

She had drank a lot and quite honestly, she was not prepared for me to reject her warmth like I did and I was not in a state where I could think clearly and handle it any better.

I eventually went upstairs and she was crying in the bathroom. And I recognized I was now in real trouble—all I wanted now was that same cuddle she offered minutes earlier and for us to drift off to sleep, but she was in the middle of a spiral now herself. It was very reminiscent of after the affair when we were both so broken we couldn’t support each other.

When we got into bed, she asked me if I still wanted to “do this” and I deflected, saying I just need some rest—and I noted that we had said all along we need to get to Monday and see how we feel so we then can decide if it’s a good idea for her to set up another date with F this week.

Her response: “I thought I was the one who would decide when I see him? It sounds like you’re asking for control of that.”

I’ll be honest, in that moment, it was probably the worst thing she could have said to me. I was feeling very vulnerable and unloved and seeing her primary concern be her autonomy to continue fucking F when she wants very much hurt me.

I didn’t know how to respond, so it stayed silent for a bit. My wife had been so compassionate since her visit to his house, I was not prepared to see such a different side of her so soon. I know alcohol is largely to blame and she’ll wake up feeling horrified by her lack of empathy in that moment. I’m also hoping we can have a good talk and get back on the same page.

Ultimately, I think I still need her to treat me with kid gloves for awhile longer on this journey. Even if I don’t have control, I need her to behave as though my feelings are a priority on this. As we said at the start: this is meant to be fun, so we need to make sure we are both having fun, and that goes double for times when she’s looking to setup dates.

During the talk, she mentioned Jan. 6 (Saturday) as the date she was going to suggest to see him, so I suspect she was spooked off by messing with Jan. 4. Regardless, we have time to decide next steps and I’m hopeful this is a blip on the radar and we reconnect tomorrow and get back on the same page.

[jratt85]

You opened Pandora's box and now it can never be closed. She's trying to do what she thought you wanted, she went against all her fears and self doubt for you and found she absolutely loves it, and now you're trying to tell her no.. and that resentment will either destroy her self esteem, destroy her feelings for you, or destroy an already tenuous marriage as she gives herself fully into it no matter what you say because she's "an independent woman and she can fuck whoever she wants" just like you told her she could.

I think your biggest problem in all of this.. It's all about YOU. It was YOUr kink. YOU wanted her to fuck other people. YOU pushed her to it. YOU are expecting her to do everything for YOU to make YOU feel accepting of it. YOU have stopped treating her as a wife and have been treating her like both YOUr psychologist and YOUr own personal pornstar. Every step of this ever since she came crawling to you crying, YOU have been twisting her around to get what YOU want with very little actual concern towards the concept of "us". You say you've tried to get on an even keel, but everything YOU have done since discovery, exposure, and reconciliation has been for YOU, whether to hold some sense of normalcy in pretending that you are still a happy couple, to counselling to try to sure that concept up, to being a needy vulnerable person now that still wants everything to be what YOU want when YOU want it and how YOU need it. The give and take is gone and it has been for a while now.

I hate to come off as a dick but that sums up most everything I've read from you since then. While you've said you've worked on other things, honestly you still have never gotten back to where you actually trusted each other. You've said it yourself before that going ahead with your kink is the only way you could see the relationship continuing, that you were completely unwilling to have it any other way. I honestly believe that you just never gave it a chance to get back to normal and now you're seeing that you are still raw and still in a head space that you really should've waited and tried to actually fix your marriage first.. and I hate to say it but.. like I warned you about before. You pushed her to do this WAY too soon WAY ahead of you actually being ready for it, and now you're suffering the consequences for a situation entirely of your making.

I mean I get that we aren't privy to every little thing happening in your life but the things you mention over and over again, her reactions, your reactions, the things that set you both off.. anyone would've seen that your relationship isn't in a healthy place and anyone that's into the BDSM or open relationship/wife sharing etc world or any sex coach/therapist would've told you such. (which I listen to all too often trying to learn things I haven't had first hand experience with) It doesn't take a PhD in psychology to be able to diagnose that, even for an autistic virgin that's never been out on a date. Everything in relationships, especially open ones, all boils down to trust. Outside of your horniness, you have no trust and you have very little self esteem.

I'm sorry to sound like I'm beating you down when you're obviously already struggling but if there's one thing autistic people are good at (let alone ones born to the cusp of drama and criticism such as myself) it's analyzing a given situation and giving a 100% honest, unfiltered take on it. It may not be the truth you want, but it may just be the truth you need.


Then again I could just be off my rocker.. hopefully someone will agree with me.

[drstrangelove]

You opened Pandora's box and now it can never be closed. She's trying to do what she thought you wanted, she went against all her fears and self doubt for you and found she absolutely loves it, and now you're trying to tell her no.. and that resentment will either destroy her self esteem, destroy her feelings for you, or destroy an already tenuous marriage as she gives herself fully into it no matter what you say because she's "an independent woman and she can fuck whoever she wants" just like you told her she could.

I think your biggest problem in all of this.. It's all about YOU. It was YOUr kink. YOU wanted her to fuck other people. YOU pushed her to it. YOU are expecting her to do everything for YOU to make YOU feel accepting of it. YOU have stopped treating her as a wife and have been treating her like both YOUr psychologist and YOUr own personal pornstar. Every step of this ever since she came crawling to you crying, YOU have been twisting her around to get what YOU want with very little actual concern towards the concept of "us". You say you've tried to get on an even keel, but everything YOU have done since discovery, exposure, and reconciliation has been for YOU, whether to hold some sense of normalcy in pretending that you are still a happy couple, to counselling to try to sure that concept up, to being a needy vulnerable person now that still wants everything to be what YOU want when YOU want it and how YOU need it. The give and take is gone and it has been for a while now.

I hate to come off as a dick but that sums up most everything I've read from you since then. While you've said you've worked on other things, honestly you still have never gotten back to where you actually trusted each other. You've said it yourself before that going ahead with your kink is the only way you could see the relationship continuing, that you were completely unwilling to have it any other way. I honestly believe that you just never gave it a chance to get back to normal and now you're seeing that you are still raw and still in a head space that you really should've waited and tried to actually fix your marriage first.. and I hate to say it but.. like I warned you about before. You pushed her to do this WAY too soon WAY ahead of you actually being ready for it, and now you're suffering the consequences for a situation entirely of your making.

I mean I get that we aren't privy to every little thing happening in your life but the things you mention over and over again, her reactions, your reactions, the things that set you both off.. anyone would've seen that your relationship isn't in a healthy place and anyone that's into the BDSM or open relationship/wife sharing etc world or any sex coach/therapist would've told you such. (which I listen to all too often trying to learn things I haven't had first hand experience with) It doesn't take a PhD in psychology to be able to diagnose that, even for an autistic virgin that's never been out on a date. Everything in relationships, especially open ones, all boils down to trust. Outside of your horniness, you have no trust and you have very little self esteem.

I'm sorry to sound like I'm beating you down when you're obviously already struggling but if there's one thing autistic people are good at (let alone ones born to the cusp of drama and criticism such as myself) it's analyzing a given situation and giving a 100% honest, unfiltered take on it. It may not be the truth you want, but it may just be the truth you need.


Then again I could just be off my rocker.. hopefully someone will agree with me.

I certainly don’t mind the honesty, so please don’t feel you need to apologize. As long as the posts don’t turn into personal attacks, I’m cool discussing almost anything.

I think your accusation of me being selfish is fair right now—I am being selfish. Though you are jumbling a post I made nearly two years ago with my life today—for you it’s just a bit of reading, for me it’s a massive section of my life.

After the affair, I selfishly thought I’d push the kink because I had nothing to lose—I was willing to risk the marriage because at that moment the marriage had little value to me. Essentially, if she wanted us to work, it would be on my terms.

That lasted some months and I eventually softened on it. My wife was trying and I realized there was no way to rebuild our marriage with a bull dozer.

My wife also leaned into my kinks on occasion—a couple times a month we’d sext about it or we’d use toys or the cage, etc. Her opening up like that felt awesome and it was in parallel to us healing the other parts of our marriage.

The option to sleep with other men was just left out there—I told her I’d be open to explore it if she was ever interested and then I left it alone. When F came back into her life, she acknowledged that he was a path for her to potentially fulfill my fantasy as he was a person she might be willing to fuck.

Now we can all give our thoughts on why she was willing to fuck him: does she really have strong feelings for him and want to explore monkey branching out of this marriage or does she simply feel comfortable with him, making him the easiest choice to do this with? And there’s a wide spectrum in between. No one but her knows. And by me going along with this, I’m absorbing all the unknown risk.

And yes, there is a part of me that wonders if I’m just not built for this—that I simply cannot deal with the emotional turmoil of this lifestyle. But there’s another part of me that thinks I haven’t slept in more than a week, this all just happened a day ago, and I might need to cut myself a little slack to get my feet underneath me.

Right now, what I feel I need from my wife, is for her to either lean in sexually (be my porn star) or lean in with love and compassion (be my life partner). You’re fair to label that desire selfish, but it doesn’t change how I feel and it doesn’t change what I think I need in this moment to get through this.

I think two things are true: my wife loves me and wants to be married to me and my wife loves having the freedom to carry on this affair with F. So if she, selfishly, wants to continue both of those things, she’ll need to meet me in the middle and comfort me a bit. She may not always have the bandwidth to throw water on me when I’m on fire—I’m a big boy and will have to handle my emotional swings—but she can’t be the one to throw gasoline instead.

So while I see where you are coming from and I take your criticism to heart, it doesn’t change that my wife was more callous to me last night than I’m currently capable of handling, even if you think I deserve that treatment.

[jratt85]

So while I see where you are coming from and I take your criticism to heart, it doesn’t change that my wife was more callous to me last night than I’m currently capable of handling, even if you think I deserve that treatment.

Could also be that because you're tired and raw you are taking things out of context. Personally I don't see what she said as being callous, more just pointing out a truth, maybe at a wrong time but it didn't sound aggressive to me.. but again text verses inflection in actual tone are two different things. I know I've definitely taken things the wrong way in text and had many things I've said taken the wrong way and I sure as hell take things the wrong way in person, especially when tired. You also didn't say exactly how you replied to her or exactly what you said that caused her to instantly start crying either. Again, you are both very raw right now and between alcohol and stress and lack of sleep, things were probably taken the wrong way by both of you.

(personal sidetrack for a minute) I still can't believe it's been two years.. it really doesn't feel that long and honestly, I can't believe I stayed around this long to see it.. but then I talked to a woman online for ten years without meeting her or even talking to her on the phone so.. (if it was actually a her) When you have no life I guess you get attached to people/situations online to live vicariously, good bad or otherwise. I definitely envy people that are getting to live life and go through things I've never gotten to and often feel like I never will... not even talking about cuckolding, I still don't know if I'd ever want it.. it just feels so believable to happen to me, but just life in general. Being stuck at home with no way to leave, no way to meet anyone, no way to do any of the things I want to do or feel like are expected of someone my age, while life just continues to leave me behind is definitely extremely painful and hard.. Having some connection to someone online, and getting to feel like I'm of some sort of use, sometimes, definitely helps me feel a little more human sometimes. And anyone that knows autistic people can tell you, we often feel like aliens living in a world that looks like we should belong and understand it, but there's just something that we're missing that doesn't let us ever fit in or be accepted no matter how hard we try.

And I never said that you deserve to be treated poorly. I'm just pointing out that I've believed for a while that you were pushing too far too quick to get to your goal against the suggestions of many people to calm down a bit and work on getting to being happy again. But I'm not going to go too much into that again and just piss you off. Currently you very obviously need sleep, I'd suggest if you live in a state that allows it to get yourself some pot edibles or flower that's a good indica, it'll help you relax and let you sleep.. if not some CBD can help as well, I know it helps with my anxiety.

And I officially just lost my train of thought.. it's almost 4am here and I've been up since noon so I'm pretty much at my limit. (I know, my sleep schedule is fucked up.. I wish I had control of it and could get the 10 hours of sleep a day I do best with)

[elina]

I suppose now I’m trying to sort through two very simple options—lean into the kink and continue down this path, enjoying the ride, or call it quits and admit defeat that the fantasy isn’t like the reality.

I suppose if I were giving myself advice, I’d suggest I pause things here for a bit longer—suggest my wife not see F again this week and let the time play out and see how I feel.

But I recognize that as long as the door is open, I’ll reach a point where I want my wife to walk through it—that’s the torture of this kink: as soon as I am horny, I’ll want her to text F and ask to see him. So if I have any controlling input, this will likely never stop.

**
This topic also connects into tonight. I hosted and prepared an elaborate tasting menu for six guests. 99% of the night I was distracted and focused on cooking, but every once in awhile, very briefly, the reality of my wife’s sexual adventure smashed me in the brain. I was surrounded by friends and family and I found it impossible to feel loved by my wife. She was being perfect; so it was all on me and my perception.

Everyone left by around 11 p.m. and I crashed on my couch to close my eyes and reset. My wife came over and leaned into me, telling me I was amazing and that I just made such a wonderful meal. In that moment, I needed space though, and I asked her for a few minutes alone.

She had drank a lot and quite honestly, she was not prepared for me to reject her warmth like I did and I was not in a state where I could think clearly and handle it any better.

I eventually went upstairs and she was crying in the bathroom. And I recognized I was now in real trouble—all I wanted now was that same cuddle she offered minutes earlier and for us to drift off to sleep, but she was in the middle of a spiral now herself. It was very reminiscent of after the affair when we were both so broken we couldn’t support each other.

When we got into bed, she asked me if I still wanted to “do this” and I deflected, saying I just need some rest—and I noted that we had said all along we need to get to Monday and see how we feel so we then can decide if it’s a good idea for her to set up another date with F this week.

Her response: “I thought I was the one who would decide when I see him? It sounds like you’re asking for control of that.”

I’ll be honest, in that moment, it was probably the worst thing she could have said to me. I was feeling very vulnerable and unloved and seeing her primary concern be her autonomy to continue fucking F when she wants very much hurt me.

I didn’t know how to respond, so it stayed silent for a bit. My wife had been so compassionate since her visit to his house, I was not prepared to see such a different side of her so soon. I know alcohol is largely to blame and she’ll wake up feeling horrified by her lack of empathy in that moment. I’m also hoping we can have a good talk and get back on the same page.

Ultimately, I think I still need her to treat me with kid gloves for awhile longer on this journey. Even if I don’t have control, I need her to behave as though my feelings are a priority on this. As we said at the start: this is meant to be fun, so we need to make sure we are both having fun, and that goes double for times when she’s looking to setup dates.

During the talk, she mentioned Jan. 6 (Saturday) as the date she was going to suggest to see him, so I suspect she was spooked off by messing with Jan. 4. Regardless, we have time to decide next steps and I’m hopeful this is a blip on the radar and we reconnect tomorrow and get back on the same page.

Happy New Year DrSL

The latest post here reminds me of the saying: "You cannot be 50% pregnant".

It seems to me that the combinations of your insecurity on the one hand, and the very strong desire for Your Wife to cuckold you on the other side is driving you and your Wife into a dangerous spiral. So you have got to make up your mind at this point I think;

1) Either you decide to deal with your insecurities, and wholeheartedly support Your Wife as Your Cuckoldress, helping Her deal with her own issues but accepting that what She says goes. This will no doubt be challenging for you, but from everything I have read on this thread, this may be the path which will eventually lead to a steady relationship with your Wife, even if it will be different from what you were used to.

2) You tell your Wife that you are not made for cuckolding, asks Her to stop it and that you want to find a way for the two of you to be happy with no extramarital activities on Her part. Be prepared from a reaction from your WIfe whom you have encouraged to go down this route and just as She has accepted She wants this and has experienced the benefits, you are now closing the door again. Not sure how that will work out.

To me, continuing with the stop-go approach you are currently on will just wear the relationship you have with your Wife down. You have to make a decision and then be prepared to embrace it whatever it will be.

SIncerely
elina

[kellycuckoldsmark]

As always thanks for posting so openly and frequently. It was thrilling to read how Saturday went and intriguing your feelings post then. I wouldn't beat yourself up too much because everyone experience this journey differently. You knew you had doubts going in but decided to not change plans. She had made it clear that once she started it would be hard for her to stop - and between the lines that she would resent you for it.

I think Elina gave great advice and if at all possible you should try and resolve where you are and ideally where you both are before you leave for Italy. From my outsiders view I think Elina's #1 is where you are going to end up although it may be temporary. I say that because your wife is fully aware of F's weaknesses. He is not Prince Charming and she realizes that he is her escape and she has great sex. She also doesn't see him as a partner. So this thrill - it's almost NRE revisited - will last for a period but in say, six months, will she still be enthralled and you so threatened?

That does mean you are in for a challenging ride. It is evident that in the short-term she is going to want to see Frank 3-4x a week. At some stage the kissing down the block from you will be bringing him into the house while the kids are asleep.

You opened the door and encouraged her to walk through it. You likely need to live in that space for a few months and assess how you individually and a s a couple feel. At that stage you will either be comfortable with her seeing F regularly for what she physically and mentally needs or you won't. Rushing now may drive the divorce. Let your respective emotions and maturity develop may lead to life long marriage that accomodates hers - and let's be honest your - needs.

As always just my two cents and ignore as appropriate.

[drstrangelove]

Thank you all for the replies.

I want to apologize for the dark turn my recent posts have made. I’m experiencing a lot of mental turmoil and my emotions are shifting, so I’m writing here as it helps me sort out my mind and provides a more authentic experience for those coming along with me on this ride.

I also realize it makes a mountain out of a mole hill. I was fine most of yesterday and didn’t write much about it, but the negative part got more play in this thread. It’s probably a bad idea for me to engage and dwell on a negative experience here, so I’ll have to sort out how to handle that.

**

I’m doing better now. My wife woke up and we spoke. We both still want to continue this journey and we recognize we can’t drink that much alcohol and try to have any kind of discussion on this topic—my wife has struggled with alcohol in the past, especially during the affair, and it makes her anxious and defensive. She very clearly did not intend to make me feel left out of any decision making process and we both apologized for escalating a non-issue into a mess on NYE.

We talked about next steps and she told me she’d still like to see F again this week if their availability lines up—but she will make sure it’s not too close to my departure to Italy next Monday.

We also decided we need to recalibrate how she shares her F conversations with me.

On Tuesday, we faced the issue of me feeling overwhelmed by being a part of their text exchange, so we may have over-corrected—there was a lot going on that night as they had just set the date to meet and I was outside of my mind.

So I asked to scale back my involvement, but inadvertently, the result has been worse because now I’m constantly wondering if they’re texting—I’m not ready to detach that far yet.

So the current plan is for her to screen capture all her texts and share them with me—which was the plan for when I was in Italy anyway—so that will give us two weeks to test this dynamic and see how we feel about it. My wife seems fine with whatever; she recognizes me being comfortable will make her life easier. So it’s really on me to figure out what is best for my mental and emotional health.

I’m going to try to sleep and my wife plans to reach out to F either today or tomorrow and figure out a date, so we will go from there.

We also had sex this morning during our talk and it was good to reconnect. She thought she wouldn’t be sore, but she let me know afterward she found out she still was once we started. She had a great intimate orgasm though, but she warned she will need to give her pussy more of a rest.

That dynamic is more literal than I expected—being denied sex is hot, but I recognize it’s going to be more than I think, she seems to want a couple of days break before seeing F so she’s ready to go for him and she wants a couple of days after seeing him—so I’m hoping this becomes less frequent than weekly so we still have opportunities to have sex.

Anyway, thanks again for all the feedback. Onward.

[elina]

Thanks for sharing your reflections DrSL;

In my opinion, the fact that you are so open about your struggles is what makes this thread stand out as one of the most interesting threads now going on. Probablay this is also what makes it useful for both you and many of us following because most people will be conflicted about these issues. We are human beings with emotions and needs.

I wish you all the best going forward and hope you will find a way that will work for both you and your Wife to ensure that the two of you will remain together as a couple.

Sincerely
elina

[realcucklife]

Your wife has the patience of a saint, but must still be on constant eggshells around you.

[drstrangelove]

Update.

My wife played it cool today as we wanted to move past the minor incident. Had a good day hanging out with kids.

She came to me around 4 p.m. and let me know she hasn’t reached back out to F yet. I got the sense she wanted to, but didn’t want me to have any kind of reaction as I adjust to the new setup. I felt fine and told her she could if she wanted to, so she took out her phone and sent a “Hey” to him.

She wandered off and later shared back with me the texts they exchanged—nothing exciting as they went straight to logistics. He wanted to see her tomorrow, but she’ll be in office, so they settled on Wednesday morning.

The plan is for us both to work from home on Wednesday, so she’ll meet him at his house around 8:40 a.m. after he brings his kids to school. She’s planning to spend about an hour again and then come home. Not as ideal because it’s a work day, but we’ll carve out some time to reconnect physically when she gets back and then we can connect emotionally in the evening.

Of note, our first marriage counseling appointment is at 1 p.m. on Wednesday, so that session will be a doozy.

We also discussed some boundaries as she wants to make sure she has space so when we do connect, she’s fully available mentally and we don’t have any issues. We discussed us, at a minimum, not having sex a day before and a day or so after her visits with him, though she said I’ll need to be more patient if she needs more than a day to recover because he’s so rough.

The day before is more of a mental boundary and the 1-2 days after will be a physical one. As others have mentioned, because of her NRE and how excited she is, frequency is going to be more than I was prepared for, so I’m trying to adjust my expectations. There’s only a four day gap between visits and it could have been sooner had schedules worked out.

But I feel ok about it—far less anxious than the first time as I’ll know what to expect. And I’m more excited now to connect with her afterward—I feel really lucky I’m getting to experience the full cuckold lifestyle after so many years of wanting it. And she is even more excited than me, so I guess things are going well.

The denial of her pussy is a hard one though as it’s certainly hot to know he fucks her so hard she can’t have sex with me, but it’s also hard to manage that jealousy. As I said to her earlier today, I shouldn’t be surprised that after I gave her a greenlight to fuck a guy who is really good in bed, so wants to keep doing it whenever she can—she laughed at how obvious that should have been to me before (but it really wasn’t—I didn’t see her eagerness being so real honestly).

I’ll need to come up with some ideas for kinky stuff we can do when she comes back. We covered a lot the first time with her wearing the chastity key and her wedding ring (doing both again). But she’s leaning into the teasing and dominance of her situation and she thinks calling me her “cuck” is now adorable lol.

Anyway, I’m sure I’ll have more updates soon—I need to go buy condoms again tomorrow. Definitely going to buy them in a bulk this time.

[Rogueuser1]

Glad you guys are working through and communicating. Also good to hear you'll be caged again for the date --- I think the post orgasm drop if you jerked off while she was with him would be pretty devastating for you. Best of luck with Wednesday going well! Hopefully you guys are able to focus on each other and not on work for at least part of the day before counseling.
If she really wants to keep the kink going she can lock you for longer after she gets home - 24 hours or so.

[drstrangelove]

Glad you guys are working through and communicating. Also good to hear you'll be caged again for the date --- I think the post orgasm drop if you jerked off while she was with him would be pretty devastating for you. Best of luck with Wednesday going well! Hopefully you guys are able to focus on each other and not on work for at least part of the day before counseling.
If she really wants to keep the kink going she can lock you for longer after she gets home - 24 hours or so.

Well I have been thinking that through a bit. I was supposed to be in the office, but I changed plans to work from home so I’d be there when she gets back. It would be hot to be at the office caged all day and have to wait for night to hear story and get unlocked.

However, I’m nervous that might be a bit much for me right now—so maybe another time…

[jratt85]

if you want to give her a real thrill, buy her Skyn non-latex condoms. From everything I've read and heard they are pretty much like wearing nothing for both partners. They're more expensive but worth it. (I need them because I'm allergic to latex.. should I ever go there.. but learned about the side benefits) There's plenty of reviews on Youtube if you want to check it out.

[drstrangelove]

if you want to give her a real thrill, buy her Skyn non-latex condoms. From everything I've read and heard they are pretty much like wearing nothing for both partners. They're more expensive but worth it. (I need them because I'm allergic to latex.. should I ever go there.. but learned about the side benefits) There's plenty of reviews on Youtube if you want to check it out.

Ok cool. I need to go to drug store today, so I can see if they carry them. I know nothing about condoms as it’s been 20 years since I was routinely using them. I bought them double lubed Trojans the first time.

Edit: Did some research and read that non-latex condoms are less affective at preventing transmission of disease, so until he’s tested, I’d rather be safer. Went with a 24-pack of Trojan Bareskin, which were actually a bit more expensive than the same amount of Skyn condoms!

[Rogueuser1]

Fun game idea: limit how much vaginal sex you can have with your wife based on that 24 pack of condoms.

Method 1) you can only have sex with her X times until the box is gone. Pick 6 or 12 or even up to 24 but that is it. And if you hit your number you are cut off and get only her hand until the box is gone.

Method 2) you can only have sex based on a ratio. For every 2 (or 3 or 4 or whatever) condoms he uses you can have sex 1 time. You are then cut off and get only her hand until he uses up the next increment of condoms.

If a condom breaks and he grabs another: great for you!
If he cuts down her throat and they never bothered to use a condom: oh well, better luck next time.

Just a thought!

[drstrangelove]

Fun game idea: limit how much vaginal sex you can have with your wife based on that 24 pack of condoms.

Method 1) you can only have sex with her X times until the box is gone. Pick 6 or 12 or even up to 24 but that is it. And if you hit your number you are cut off and get only her hand until the box is gone.

Method 2) you can only have sex based on a ratio. For every 2 (or 3 or 4 or whatever) condoms he uses you can have sex 1 time. You are then cut off and get only her hand until he uses up the next increment of condoms.

If a condom breaks and he grabs another: great for you!
If he cuts down her throat and they never bothered to use a condom: oh well, better luck next time.

Just a thought!

I like that kind of stuff and have suggested it, but to her it’s too complicated lol. Again, you have to remember, the reason she wants to fuck F is because he doesn’t make her do a mathematical equation; he just fucks her hard and shuts up.

But yea, with the new dynamic of buffer days of no sex before and after him, there will be weeks where if they see each other more than once, I won’t have an opportunity for sex. She also recognizes how much I enjoy HJs, so when she’s not in the mood for sex, she won’t feel guilty.

She has also pointed out that because she will typically have sex more than once on her visits with F, I’ll never have as much sex with her as F. She loves now teasing me about how much more sex she has had than me since we got married lol.

Separately, I just want to add, I’m in such a good place right now. That brief dark period was really crazy, and in retrospect, I think it revolved around not sleeping. I finally got seven hours last night, which allowed me to wake up a new man—I worked out, went into office and had a regular day. I haven’t done that since this all began a couple of weeks ago. I’m also super horny for tomorrow and genuinely excited—I would have jerked off, but my wife said no.

Hopefully I’ll have another fun update for everyone tomorrow, though it’s going to be a busy day, so I’ll see when I can post.

My wife has a crazy day ahead of her: meeting F at 8:40 a.m.; leaving his house around 9:30; coming home and connecting with me for 30~ minutes; work, therapy, important meeting.

She was tempted to cancel with F today, but decided she really needed another visit and rearranged work stuff to make it work. I also told her she was welcome to cut into her time with me and just make me cum fast if she wants extra time at F’s.