Not a Cuckold, but Thought I'd Share My Situation

[drstrangelove]

I think you should investigate chastity cages. This adds a level of submission to denial that ramps up the denial and takes a lot of the decision out of your hands (literally). That adds a level of kink to the play that makes the not getting any a whole lot more fun.

A chastity cage was one of several ideas I threw out to my wife last week (pegging, cuckolding, eating my own cum, etc.), but she thought it was too extreme. To be honest, while the idea is hot, it probably is too extreme for me too. My wife isn’t going to be into our sex life 24-7, so for the most part, I’d just be an idiot walking around with an uncomfortable hunk of plastic. I feel like it looses its kinkiness if I’m the only one actively playing the game most of the time.

[FNQLivin]

Fair enough. Enjoy your monthly release!

[severin]

I guess it depends on your definition of sex(less). It sounds like your wife will be getting plenty of sex, just the way she likes it from you, and you're going to be a lot more attentive to her needs.

I've been following your posts with growing interest, as I see plenty of parallels with my own situation. I've been asking my own wife to tease and deny me with increasing frequency. She loves to indulge me. Increasingly, when it becomes clear she's ready to cut me some slack and let me come (maybe inside her, maybe not), I'm keep thinking I want her to tease me a little longer and keep pushing the envelope. What I do know is that if she spends the night teasing me, the next day, I'm utterly obsessed with how much I want her and can't keep my hands off her. It feels like new relationship energy in 30 year old relationship.

The catch is that after a crazy weekend of hot teasing, circumstances may keep me from actually fucking her for several weeks. I'm not sure how I feel about that, but I regret nothing.

The dialog you posted on Jan 29 was exciting. I love how firm she was about not allowing you to fuck her, after months of wondering what she wanted from you.

With sex for you (mostly) off the table, you're going to learn some things about yourself and your desires.

[wocka-wocka]

Some things to watch out for:

When you suggested no sex until April, she can interpret that as YOU not desiring HER. I'm sure you know that's not how it plays for you, but, for her, it's possible she reaches that conclusion. You have to find creative ways to show her how desirable she is to you that align with your kinks.

Listen to what she is telling you. Right now, she has some things that she finds hot and it sounds like none of them include denying you. You have to meet her where she is with fantasies. You can't encourage her to share what she finds hot, then alter her fantasy to include your kink. All she feels is you taking her out of what she thinks is hot.

[drstrangelove]

Some things to watch out for:

When you suggested no sex until April, she can interpret that as YOU not desiring HER. I'm sure you know that's not how it plays for you, but, for her, it's possible she reaches that conclusion. You have to find creative ways to show her how desirable she is to you that align with your kinks.

Listen to what she is telling you. Right now, she has some things that she finds hot and it sounds like none of them include denying you. You have to meet her where she is with fantasies. You can't encourage her to share what she finds hot, then alter her fantasy to include your kink. All she feels is you taking her out of what she thinks is hot.

So I don't think there's any concern at this point for her not feeling desired by me. I'm very complimentary of how hot she looks all the time and our sex-life revolves around her pleasure. Regarding her fantasies, we made some headway with that, but in the grand scheme of things, probably not much. I still think there's a lot more she could explore, but she's just not ready yet. Denying me sex and her getting head often is likely just as simple as that she enjoys oral sex. I don't get the sense that there's a deeper layer there yet. Perhaps that's overstating it as I'm sure there's something, even subconsciously, but for me the mental aspect of sex is much more stimulating than the physical, and I'd say the reverse is true for her right now.

[wocka-wocka]

Regarding her fantasies, we made some headway with that, but in the grand scheme of things, probably not much. I still think there's a lot more she could explore, but she's just not ready yet.

Or, maybe that's how she's wired. I'm not saying don't explore her fantasies. I'm saying set up an environment where she feels secure exploring fantasies. Maybe she can't imagine them right now. Maybe she isn't really imaginative in that way. Maybe she's like many women where the fantasy is in the romance, not really the doing. You have to listen carefully to her and try not to let your own fantasies/sex drive lead you into missing what works for her.

If it isn't obvious, my motivation in posting is to increase your intimacy with her. Typically what happens is the intimacy increases, and the woman feels safer. This typically leads to a more rewarding experience for both of you in ways that men typically can not predict.

[wisebetrue]

We been together 25 years married 21,She had affairs along the way and even left me one time and I begged her back...Presently now she is 60 and I am currently 57 and we have not had penetration for 3+ years. We sleep in separate bedrooms(we sleep better that way) and Our sex consist of me giving her head when I ask.I do not masterbate doing this or get off, When she is Done she says Thank You. That's it! I get no head, touching or anything and really I don't think she desires me sexually anyway.. I think she Likes the power of this situation and I Like the feeling of being used by her sexually for my Tongue....

I'm certain she will play around on me off and on while at work(she done it before) If The Chance arises, she is good looking at 60 but I'm ok with that...We do Love each other and get along very well and I'm certain that she would never leave me again, We actually get along alot Better since the Mutual sex part ended....

[drstrangelove]

So an update from the other night:

I went into the night expecting sex after our text exchange, which changed the feeling a bit (I can't recall the last time that's happened, haha). So we started fooling around and I was sucking on her nipples and using my fingers on her clit. After lengthy foreplay, I asked if she was ready to have sex, to which she responded: "Why don't you go down on me?"

So I looked up and was like, "but babe, that's not what we discussed...I thought we were going to have sex?" So she then said, "maybe we will, but you should go down on me now."

So I did, and was only down there about two minutes before she said we can have sex. So I moved my way up and she noted for me to be gentle. I worked my way inside and started to pick up the pace gradually. Unfortunately, I only lasted less than two minutes. It just felt too good and it had been over a month since I last was inside her. I pulled out and came on her, apologizing as I did. She seemed pretty stoic about it and just said "that's ok." It's not that I'd say she was completely disappointed, but she certainly didn't orgasm.

Honestly, I kind of felt lame about it all, thinking I blew my chance at sex for this month. She wasn't very into it and I couldn't last, so it just wasn't good.

I then woke up around 5 a.m. and after not falling asleep, I cuddled up to her around 6:15. She eventually started to move into me and I responded by caressing her tits for awhile and eventually moving down south. Once she was warmed up, I moved inside her from behind and began to fuck her. It went on for a good 10 minutes and she came during it. It felt really good and it was definitely a more positive experience than the night before.

It looks like now I've got another month to go before I get another shot at it, but I'm going to do my best to read her cues and react accordingly. I'm going to need to head in for another medical procedure in a couple of weeks, so this month will likely be less eventful than usual.

[drstrangelove]

So not much of an update, but I've let things lay low. I'm still dealing with my nasal issues, so sex hasn't been on the top of my mind the last few days. However, on Saturday night when we got into bed, my wife cuddled up next to me. It was a bit strange as we both knew it wasn't for sex, so I just went along with it hoping maybe a pity HJ or BJ was coming because of all my nasal issues. She started kissing me and almost immediately she began pushing my head down. I started sucking on her nipples until she eventually took off her PJ bottoms. I took the hint and made my way all the way down and gave her head. She was loving it and after about 15 minutes, she had an explosive orgasm. I came in my pants during it and that was a wrap.

To be honest, I was a bit surprised by her selfishness in this case. I couldn't breath out of my nose, so giving her head while breathing almost entirely out of my mouth was certainly a challenge. In the end, we both had fun though, so I can't complain.

[Whosbeensleeping]

I am enjoying reading your story, just as it is.

[jacksonjones]

Just wanted to check back in on this thread - curious of drstrangelove has had more experiences in this vein, or if he and his wife have returned to at least somewhat conventional sex.

On my end, I'm in a similar situation, except that my wife and I have been talking and experimenting a little bit for the last few years, so we're in a place where we know what we like, and what each other likes. And we're comfortable with each other, so it doesn't feel strange or difficult to share our desires. While we still have regular sex, much of what we do falls outside the category of intercourse. For example, we had intercourse only once in the month of February. The rest of our encounters have been supervised masturbation or handjobs. And the one time I did get to penetrate her pussy, I had to lick her to several orgasms, first. I suppose some folks might find this situation unappealing, or might even be troubled by it. But we both find it erotic, and she enjoys playing with my cock and teasing me until I cum all over myself. She likes to watch me stroke my dick for her, too - and she always smirks when I squirt cum all over my chest and belly.

She's at her lowest point in terms of sexual interest right now; her period will come in the next ten days. That means I can probably have a few more sexual experiences with her if i ask, but certainly I won't be cumming inside her, and I'm almost guaranteed not to be having intercourse at all. And that's fine - she's very skilled when she lets me have sex with her hand, and she's always watchful when I need to masturbate in front of her.

After she comes off her period, I'm like 80% sure we'll have sex, probably a lot of it at first. And I'll be licking her pussy the entire time. Two things we've talked about recently, that we're planning to do in the coming weeks is for me to paint her toenails and eat her out while they dry. Then I can lick and kiss her feet and suck on her toes before I rub my penis on her feet and she lets me cum all over them. And I've asked her if she would let me masturbate with a pair of her panties while she watches over me. She smiled and told me "that sounds fun."

Hopefully drstrangelove is having fun with the Mrs, and they're finding a good space to have exciting sexual experiences in. Just keep talking, and letting her know what feels good to you. And make sure you're listening to her and giving her 110% of what she wants, needs and enjoys!

[jacksonjones]

Just wanted to check back in on this thread - curious if drstrangelove has had more experiences in this vein, or if he and his wife have returned to at least somewhat conventional sex.

On my end, I'm in a similar situation, except that my wife and I have been talking and experimenting a little bit for the last few years, so we're in a place where we know what we like, and what each other likes. And we're comfortable with each other, so it doesn't feel strange or difficult to share our desires. While we still have regular sex, much of what we do falls outside the category of intercourse. For example, we had intercourse only once in the month of February. The rest of our encounters have been supervised masturbation or handjobs. And the one time I did get to penetrate her pussy, I had to lick her to several orgasms, first. I suppose some folks might find this situation unappealing, or might even be troubled by it. But we both find it erotic, and she enjoys playing with my cock and teasing me until I cum all over myself. She likes to watch me stroke my dick for her, too - and she always smirks when I squirt cum all over my chest and belly.

She's at her lowest point in terms of sexual interest right now; her period will come in the next ten days. That means I can probably have a few more sexual experiences with her, but I definitely won't be cumming inside her, if i get intercourse at all. In fact I'll probably have to ask for a handjob or if she'll watch me cum. And that's fine - she's very skilled when she lets me have sex with her hand, and she's always watchful when I need to masturbate in front of her.

After she comes off her period, I'm like 80% sure we'll have sex, probably a lot of it at first. And I'll be licking her pussy the entire time. Two things we've talked about recently, that we're planning to do in the coming weeks, is for me to paint her toenails and eat her out while they dry. Then I can lick and kiss her feet and suck on her toes before I rub my penis on her feet and she lets me cum all over them. And I've asked her if she would let me masturbate with a pair of her panties while she watches over me. She smiled and told me "that sounds fun."

Hopefully drstrangelove is having fun with the Mrs, and they're finding a good space to have exciting sexual experiences in. Just keep talking, and letting her know what feels good to you. And make sure you're listening to her and giving her 110% of what she wants, needs and enjoys!

[drstrangelove]

Sorry for the lack of updates.

Things kind of fell off. It started to feel like I was forcing it, so I backed off. Over the last few months our sex life has been more normal, so my fear is that we fall into the same traps all over again. The only difference now vs. years ago is she'll now request that I give her head in a dominant manner, but it just isn't clicking for me right now. The fantasy of it all isn't playing out in the right tones I guess.

I want to try to push the fantasy again, but I'll need to try it differently I guess. She just doesn't care about sex/sexual activity as much as I do. So it's not that she won't go along with anything, it's just that her just going along with it makes it feel fucking awful.

Hopefully I'll have more updates down the line!

[SutterKane]

Glad you came back and told us whats going on with you two. Sounds like both of you need to set down and talk this out.

[Guhunkadorn]

Thanks for update; your in a long game situation and first few years of child rearing are the most important as you both know.

Good luck and yes, communicate as often as possible and preferably in the light of day and not at bedtime.

[D+D]

After reading thru your thread I'm curious. Do you like the denial or would you rather have more intercourse? If you like the concept of "being her bitch " there are things that you could do to reinforce that concept that could, over time, lead to her full on cuckolding you. If you prefer intercourse it's time to communicate that you miss being inside of her and "making love" to your wife. It seems to me that you're at a point of deciding the direction that you wish to go and I beleive that in reality you are in control. The way things are, kinda in between, might be the way to go. Have you thought about it?

[SutterKane]

After reading thru your thread I'm curious. Do you like the denial or would you rather have more intercourse? If you like the concept of "being her bitch " there are things that you could do to reinforce that concept that could, over time, lead to her full on cuckolding you. If you prefer intercourse it's time to communicate that you miss being inside of her and "making love" to your wife. It seems to me that you're at a point of deciding the direction that you wish to go and I beleive that in reality you are in control. The way things are, kinda in between, might be the way to go. Have you thought about it?

D+D is right. Now is the time to let her know what you need and want before things get "Set". You can always have her get more restrictive later, if that's where you want to go with this. Getting her to agree to be less restrictive with you after she has gotten used to controlling you and your little penis might be harder.

[jacksonjones]

Glad you updated us with what's going on. A few thoughts, based on my personal experiences:

1.) Cuckolding is an exciting fantasy, but the elements that go into it are what my wife and I have found most thrilling. That includes the dynamics of denial and mild humiliation. That's expressed itself through handjobs, especially where I get a handjob when I ask for sex, as well as supervised masturbation and pussy licking.

2.) Realizing your fantasies with another person means that there has to be room for them in your fantasy. We both enjoy playing sex games, like me stroking my cock and cumming all over myself while she watches, or while I watch her try on clothes, do yoga or take a bath. She also loves to have her feet worshiped, and my "reward" for doing a good job is getting to masturbate and cum on her feet. How I envisioned these in my mind, and how they became real are two very different things. They're no less thrilling, but it took us a few years of experimenting and chatting before we got to where we are.

3.) It's OK to do what feels good without it becoming a lifestyle. While we like to do the things I mentioned above, it's not a lifestyle for us, it's a just a few more things that happen in our private sex life, in addition to regular sex, including intercourse. In fact, when I've tried to push too hard for these things to be regular "lifestyle" things we do, they've lost their fun - for us at least, it needs to be somewhat spontaneous, and it's fun when there's an element where she has some control and I acquiesce to what she offers/demands. Obviously I **like** being denied sex, so it's really just a game to us.

Try not to overthink things, try not to make it too much work, especially for her. While you've been reading, fantasizing and jerking off to this for years, she hasn't. Try to keep that in mind, and try to take your time and enjoy what you have with your partner. And remember, you really do have the rest of your life to do this, so take your time and try to enjoy the journey there.

[drstrangelove]

I think I can respond to all of these recent posts together. It still feels like the most problematic issue is my wife's lack of interest in her own sex life. She likes to get off on occasion, but for her, 1-2x a month is fine, and she's good with head or intercourse. Though even if she wanted to fool around every day, I'm not sure it would help that much because she personally doesn't have much interest in the cerebral aspect of sex. And for me, that's everything.

If she isn't in the mood, she'll jerk me off instead of letting me fuck her, but it's not to humiliate me, it's because she just wants to get me off and go to bed. So I can pretend in my mind it's something it's not, but it's hard to keep that up.

As for talking with her, I've had no many long convos with her--some documented in this thread. But it's always me talking 90 percent of the time. She hears what I'm saying, but it's impossible for her to get invested in it. She'll go along with the fantasy for stretches, but inevitably it hits a point where it always feels like I'm forcing it and she doesn't care.

If I'm being honest, I'm not sure if there's a way to really shift the power balance. Ultimately, we both kind of know I'm in control because I care more about sex than her. It always feels like she's playing a role (poorly) in my fantasy. I want her to have more control for real, but she doesn't seem to want to take it, even though she seems to enjoy being in control.

[drstrangelove]

After reading thru your thread I'm curious. Do you like the denial or would you rather have more intercourse? If you like the concept of "being her bitch " there are things that you could do to reinforce that concept that could, over time, lead to her full on cuckolding you. If you prefer intercourse it's time to communicate that you miss being inside of her and "making love" to your wife. It seems to me that you're at a point of deciding the direction that you wish to go and I beleive that in reality you are in control. The way things are, kinda in between, might be the way to go. Have you thought about it?

I would add specifically to this, I would love for her to take on more control and be her bitch in the bedroom. We've been having a fair amount of traditional sex over the last few months and it's fun for the moment, but ultimately it's somewhat boring. I crave the mental aspects of sex and it always feels so forced with her.

Everything is about the tone. I could tell her I just want to give her head and stop having sex again and she'd be fine with it. But it's not something she'd enforce. We both would know I could have sex with her anytime, so it cheapens it. It's all make believe and I'm exercising a one-player game--it can feel a bit absurd.

[Mad Dog65]

I think I can respond to all of these recent posts together. It still feels like the most problematic issue is my wife's lack of interest in her own sex life. She likes to get off on occasion, but for her, 1-2x a month is fine, and she's good with head or intercourse. Though even if she wanted to fool around every day, I'm not sure it would help that much because she personally doesn't have much interest in the cerebral aspect of sex. And for me, that's everything.

If she isn't in the mood, she'll jerk me off instead of letting me fuck her, but it's not to humiliate me, it's because she just wants to get me off and go to bed. So I can pretend in my mind it's something it's not, but it's hard to keep that up.

As for talking with her, I've had no many long convos with her--some documented in this thread. But it's always me talking 90 percent of the time. She hears what I'm saying, but it's impossible for her to get invested in it. She'll go along with the fantasy for stretches, but inevitably it hits a point where it always feels like I'm forcing it and she doesn't care.

If I'm being honest, I'm not sure if there's a way to really shift the power balance. Ultimately, we both kind of know I'm in control because I care more about sex than her. It always feels like she's playing a role (poorly) in my fantasy. I want her to have more control for real, but she doesn't seem to want to take it, even though she seems to enjoy being in control.

Dr Strange you describe my situation as well. I am now backing off entirely and looking and working with an intimacy coach to help us reconnect at a more fundamental level. Some of it has to do with childhood sex trauma so we are looking at how do we have a fulfilling sex life. Its a journey and not sure where it will lead.

[jacksonjones]

I think I can respond to all of these recent posts together. It still feels like the most problematic issue is my wife's lack of interest in her own sex life. She likes to get off on occasion, but for her, 1-2x a month is fine, and she's good with head or intercourse. Though even if she wanted to fool around every day, I'm not sure it would help that much because she personally doesn't have much interest in the cerebral aspect of sex. And for me, that's everything.

If she isn't in the mood, she'll jerk me off instead of letting me fuck her, but it's not to humiliate me, it's because she just wants to get me off and go to bed. So I can pretend in my mind it's something it's not, but it's hard to keep that up.

As for talking with her, I've had no many long convos with her--some documented in this thread. But it's always me talking 90 percent of the time. She hears what I'm saying, but it's impossible for her to get invested in it. She'll go along with the fantasy for stretches, but inevitably it hits a point where it always feels like I'm forcing it and she doesn't care.

If I'm being honest, I'm not sure if there's a way to really shift the power balance. Ultimately, we both kind of know I'm in control because I care more about sex than her. It always feels like she's playing a role (poorly) in my fantasy. I want her to have more control for real, but she doesn't seem to want to take it, even though she seems to enjoy being in control.

I mean, the other thing you really need to keep in mind is that you have young kids. I think you mentioned that you guys had a baby last July? Small children are draining, especially for moms, even if you're picking up half the work of parenting. So it might not seem like it but your dick is just another small thing in her life that she probably feels like she needs to take care of. Even if you're eating her out a lot, you're still demanding something from her.

My wife and i went through some of this as well, and the thing is, you really do need to figure out how to give her space and develop intimacy that isn't connected to your penis. Which means you're going to have to figure out how to make her feel good in a way that SHE wants, and put your own sexual gratification on the back burner. That might mean you're jerking off more, it might mean you have to retreat in a cuckold-style fantasy in your head during sexual encounters, it might mean you have to center your sex life on what ahe wants. I understand tha lt this isn't likely what you want right now, but isn't giving your wife what SHE wants at the heart of this fantasy?

In time you'll likely find that she's more open to playing out parts of your fantasy, and you may even discover that she does thing to/with you in bed that get you off in ways you didn't expect. Think of this as a long journey, and that these are steps and stops along the way to the final destination.

I hope this helps - i found that pushing too hard might get me what i want physically, but like you said if her heart isn't in it, it won't resonate with you. You'll need to find ways to incorporate where you two are right now into the sex you're having right now. Patience will likely be rewarded.

[Whosbeensleeping]

I think I can respond to all of these recent posts together. It still feels like the most problematic issue is my wife's lack of interest in her own sex life. She likes to get off on occasion, but for her, 1-2x a month is fine, and she's good with head or intercourse. Though even if she wanted to fool around every day, I'm not sure it would help that much because she personally doesn't have much interest in the cerebral aspect of sex. And for me, that's everything.

If she isn't in the mood, she'll jerk me off instead of letting me fuck her, but it's not to humiliate me, it's because she just wants to get me off and go to bed. So I can pretend in my mind it's something it's not, but it's hard to keep that up.

As for talking with her, I've had no many long convos with her--some documented in this thread. But it's always me talking 90 percent of the time. She hears what I'm saying, but it's impossible for her to get invested in it. She'll go along with the fantasy for stretches, but inevitably it hits a point where it always feels like I'm forcing it and she doesn't care.

If I'm being honest, I'm not sure if there's a way to really shift the power balance. Ultimately, we both kind of know I'm in control because I care more about sex than her. It always feels like she's playing a role (poorly) in my fantasy. I want her to have more control for real, but she doesn't seem to want to take it, even though she seems to enjoy being in control.

I mean, the other thing you really need to keep in mind is that you have young kids. I think you mentioned that you guys had a baby last July? Small children are draining, especially for moms, even if you're picking up half the work of parenting. So it might not seem like it but your dick is just another small thing in her life that she probably feels like she needs to take care of. Even if you're eating her out a lot, you're still demanding something from her.

My wife and i went through some of this as well, and the thing is, you really do need to figure out how to give her space and develop intimacy that isn't connected to your penis. Which means you're going to have to figure out how to make her feel good in a way that SHE wants, and put your own sexual gratification on the back burner. That might mean you're jerking off more, it might mean you have to retreat in a cuckold-style fantasy in your head during sexual encounters, it might mean you have to center your sex life on what ahe wants. I understand tha lt this isn't likely what you want right now, but isn't giving your wife what SHE wants at the heart of this fantasy?

In time you'll likely find that she's more open to playing out parts of your fantasy, and you may even discover that she does thing to/with you in bed that get you off in ways you didn't expect. Think of this as a long journey, and that these are steps and stops along the way to the final destination.

I hope this helps - i found that pushing too hard might get me what i want physically, but like you said if her heart isn't in it, it won't resonate with you. You'll need to find ways to incorporate where you two are right now into the sex you're having right now. Patience will likely be rewarded.

What a great comment!

[drstrangelove]

I think I can respond to all of these recent posts together. It still feels like the most problematic issue is my wife's lack of interest in her own sex life. She likes to get off on occasion, but for her, 1-2x a month is fine, and she's good with head or intercourse. Though even if she wanted to fool around every day, I'm not sure it would help that much because she personally doesn't have much interest in the cerebral aspect of sex. And for me, that's everything.

If she isn't in the mood, she'll jerk me off instead of letting me fuck her, but it's not to humiliate me, it's because she just wants to get me off and go to bed. So I can pretend in my mind it's something it's not, but it's hard to keep that up.

As for talking with her, I've had no many long convos with her--some documented in this thread. But it's always me talking 90 percent of the time. She hears what I'm saying, but it's impossible for her to get invested in it. She'll go along with the fantasy for stretches, but inevitably it hits a point where it always feels like I'm forcing it and she doesn't care.

If I'm being honest, I'm not sure if there's a way to really shift the power balance. Ultimately, we both kind of know I'm in control because I care more about sex than her. It always feels like she's playing a role (poorly) in my fantasy. I want her to have more control for real, but she doesn't seem to want to take it, even though she seems to enjoy being in control.

I mean, the other thing you really need to keep in mind is that you have young kids. I think you mentioned that you guys had a baby last July? Small children are draining, especially for moms, even if you're picking up half the work of parenting. So it might not seem like it but your dick is just another small thing in her life that she probably feels like she needs to take care of. Even if you're eating her out a lot, you're still demanding something from her.

My wife and i went through some of this as well, and the thing is, you really do need to figure out how to give her space and develop intimacy that isn't connected to your penis. Which means you're going to have to figure out how to make her feel good in a way that SHE wants, and put your own sexual gratification on the back burner. That might mean you're jerking off more, it might mean you have to retreat in a cuckold-style fantasy in your head during sexual encounters, it might mean you have to center your sex life on what ahe wants. I understand tha lt this isn't likely what you want right now, but isn't giving your wife what SHE wants at the heart of this fantasy?

In time you'll likely find that she's more open to playing out parts of your fantasy, and you may even discover that she does thing to/with you in bed that get you off in ways you didn't expect. Think of this as a long journey, and that these are steps and stops along the way to the final destination.

I hope this helps - i found that pushing too hard might get me what i want physically, but like you said if her heart isn't in it, it won't resonate with you. You'll need to find ways to incorporate where you two are right now into the sex you're having right now. Patience will likely be rewarded.

I mean, this is absolutely a complicating factor. We're both exhausted dealing with the kids and it can be hard to focus on our personal connection. That said, her lack of sexual interest dates back to before kids, so if I'm being honest, it feels a bit like I'd be just accepting the low hanging fruit to explain the issue away. I have no doubt that the issue would be the same if we had no kids. The kids are just an easy excuse to avoid digging into whatever the real issue might be for her.

I also think a part of my frustration is that we'll never have this time back. It's easy to say let things settle, let the kids get older, and there's plenty of time to find the right balance, but in my mind, I feel like if we do find a great balance eventually, I'll just be frustrated that I wasted so much of our prime sexual years waiting.

And as for her wants and desires, they're really non-existant. She wants to get off when she's horny, but that's infrequent. And for her, getting head or missionary sex is fine, anything else is just an unneeded complication.

I do think a part of this is on me though. I need to figure out a better path forward and I've thus far failed to do so.

[SutterKane]

You might see if she would go a endocrinologist to have her hormones checked. My wife had a problem with low testosterone. Yes, women need testosterone too. If it's too low, many lose interest in sex. Many family doctors suck at endocrinology, so get her to an endocrinologist to rule that out as a factor.