Girlfriend having a secret affair?

Crimsoncat · Unread post by **Crimsoncat** » Sun Dec 06, 2009 1:25 pm

Hey guys,

I just had a discussion with my GF and she said, that she would like to cheat on me, because for her, its a extra exitement!

So what do you think: should i accept the fact that im submissive and dont know about her lovers or should i leave her and find someone more "honest"!

Anyway, i have accepted the fact, that she can have a secret affair.... So im asking for your opinion!

Thanks

243 · Unread post by **243** » Sun Dec 06, 2009 1:29 pm

You've already said yes. I think you are just being silly with this 'poll'.

Crimsoncat · Unread post by **Crimsoncat** » Sun Dec 06, 2009 1:41 pm

Sorry, 243, but i still have a chance to say NO to this deal, so i can`t see a reason, why this poll is useless?

Willy and Jen · Unread post by **Willy and Jen** » Sun Dec 06, 2009 2:15 pm

I'm not sure what the point is here. Part of the fun of having your wife fuck others is knowing about it, and perhaps even knowing the details. If she is doing it secretly, what's the payoff for you, since you supposedly won't even know it is happening? Sounds a bit strange, from my perspective. But, if she wants to fuck other men, and you are fine with that, go ahead and give her permission.

BallSpanking · Unread post by **BallSpanking** » Sun Dec 06, 2009 3:14 pm

To some, they get a rise from it, if it breaks social norms..., so if she gets what she wants out of it, and you want her to fuck other guys... what's the problem?

jfbreak · Unread post by **jfbreak** » Mon Dec 07, 2009 3:13 am

I think there is a certain excitement in knowing that she could be cheating, but not knowing when or with whom. The whole thing would leave me constantly wanting to catch her - inspecting panties in the hamper, going down on her as soon as she comes home from being out - that sort of thing.

Of course, there is a destructive side of that curiosity. It can lead to reading her e-mails, secretly spying on her etc. That can really have a negative impact on a relationship.

jeep_rider · Unread post by **jeep_rider** » Thu Dec 10, 2009 3:04 am

This will lead to a destructive relationship. Trust me, I've been there...you'll stop respecting her privacy in the hopes of catching her in the act. One day, you'll cross the line and then she'll be gone.

On the flip side, if you don't seriously consider this a long term relationship, then have at it! I say whatever floats your boat! Enjoy while you can.

gordo · Unread post by **gordo** » Thu Dec 10, 2009 4:37 am

Crimsoncat wrote:Sorry, 243, but i still have a chance to say NO to this deal, so i can`t see a reason, why this poll is useless?

I really don't think you do,,,,, or at least it won't do you any good to say no,,,,, but that's just me.

Luv It · Unread post by **Luv It** » Sat Dec 12, 2009 11:20 am

I told my wife early on the she cold have a "secrete affair" if she wanted to as long as she adhered to certain guide lines that we both agreed to.

1) It can not be anyone we both know of any of my friends.
2) It can never interfere with any of our plans together.
Both rules are also in effect with all her regular hot wife/cuckold activities but, are particulatrly important when she engauges in any clandestine activities.

We have found that it is exciting for both of us.
My wife enjoys the excitement of a secrete affair and I enjoy the prospect the of never quite knowing if she is with a lover when she is not at home.

There have also been times when she has admitted to secrete affair with someone and that she now wanted to make it known and for him to become a "regular" lover without having to "sneak around".

drayno · Unread post by **drayno** » Sat Dec 12, 2009 1:13 pm

My wife and I have been doing this for a while, I hope ...

I informed her a long time ago that it would turn me on greatly to one day
catch her in a discrete affair and I told her that if she had one (or several)
it would be more than okay with me. I told her that I really wanted her to
try and keep it a secret from me and force me to find out on my own.

I always keep an eye for the 'signs' but have yet to see them. If she is (or has)
then she is very good at it, but I believe that she isn't as she hasn't played
with anyone (to my knowledge) other than me in the last 5 months.

It's hot and I would love to be 'irritatingly horney' one night and mystically find some surprise sloppy seconds.

-Drayno

wifedateshubwaits · Unread post by **wifedateshubwaits** » Wed Dec 16, 2009 5:46 am

My wife and I have a relationship much like Luv It. We call it a "don't ask, don't tell" hotwife marriage. My wife had carried on a number of affairs before everything came out in the open. When she finally understood that she could continue to see other men with my permission, she began telling me about her encounters and for several years she would fill me in on the details of her dates. Eventually, however, she realized that she missed the erotic aspects of cheating and she started to occasionally "forget" to tell me about certain guys or about a particular date. Well, it all came to head one day and we had a heart to heart talk where we agreed that she could have some secrets. It has worked great for us and now about 50% of my wife's trysts are kept from me while the other 50% are completely out in the open with me helping her dress and welcoming her home.

What I like most about this sort of relationship is the arousal I get from never quite knowing exactly what she is up to. When she is out with friends, or "shopping", I never am certain that she is not welcoming one of her boyfriends between her legs and I end up imagining all sorts of sexy scenarios. I know this might not work for every couple, but I am confident that my wife would never leave me and I'm happy that we can enjoy this variation on the hotwife lifestyle.

txbull4wife · Unread post by **txbull4wife** » Wed Dec 16, 2009 12:14 pm

My opinion - you probably really don't have much of a choice. If she wants to have one or more "secret" affairs, it's entirely up to her. If she wants you to know about them, she'll tease, or tell about it. If she doesn't, you'll be left to wonder.

As an active dominant male, most of the married/cuckoldresses I know hold all the cards with respect to the husband/boyfriend. They make their own rules. My experience suggests this is a bit different from those couples/wives who are more in the "hot wife" camp, where things are by mutual agreement, almost always with mutual knowledge and awareness.

I think the cuckold husband/boyfriend is just "along for the ride"...

Crimsoncat · Unread post by **Crimsoncat** » Thu Dec 17, 2009 11:14 am

Thank you for these replies,

Well, in our case with both came to conclusion (talking whole night, till the morning), that it is best for me just to trust her and not "top from the bottom"! Still, easier said than done: im still trying to control everything!

tzbull4wife - I agree with you, but i think, that most husbands dont have a choice when their wives cheat on them

Still good, that a dominant male keeps posting. It`s not usual here to see a Lover`s post...

ucaneffher · Unread post by **ucaneffher** » Sat Jan 09, 2010 2:04 am

Crimsoncat wrote:Thank you for these replies,

Well, in our case with both came to conclusion (talking whole night, till the morning), that it is best for me just to trust her and not "top from the bottom"! Still, easier said than done: im still trying to control everything!

tzbull4wife - I agree with you, but i think, that most husbands dont have a choice when their wives cheat on them Still good, that a dominant male keeps posting. It`s not usual here to see a Lover`s post...

So Crimson, let me ask you... are you and your wife/gf in the lifestyle or you're here because you think she may be doing something? just curious if you guys are mutual about the lifestyle

zedd767 · Unread post by **zedd767** » Fri Nov 12, 2010 6:54 am

txbull4wife wrote:My opinion - you probably really don't have much of a choice. If she wants to have one or more "secret" affairs, it's entirely up to her. If she wants you to know about them, she'll tease, or tell about it. If she doesn't, you'll be left to wonder.

As an active dominant male, most of the married/cuckoldresses I know hold all the cards with respect to the husband/boyfriend. They make their own rules. My experience suggests this is a bit different from those couples/wives who are more in the "hot wife" camp, where things are by mutual agreement, almost always with mutual knowledge and awareness.

I think the cuckold husband/boyfriend is just "along for the ride"...

Well stated, txbull4wife. You have framed the two primary groups of couples in (or interested in) this lifestyle very well. As a Dominant, you clearly appreciate the aspects of power exchange going on in these relationships. A cuckold certainly surrenders his say-so in his wife's sexual dealings with other men for a long stretch of time; whereas a husband of a hotwife may surrender it one evening at a time, but reclaims it after each encounter. (There are many topics on this site that speak to the excitement of husbands reclaiming their wife after an encounter.)

And to answer the original question, I think honesty is an important component of any relationship, especially an open one. Now she might not be obligated share all the lurid details if she wishes not to...

We are in the hotwife camp at the moment, by your definition of the groups. We have always struggled with the hotwifing characterization because this site and others gave us the impression that hotwives were defined by having a high number of partners; whereas cuckoldresses had a fewer, but more regular partners that ranged from FBs to BFs in relationship intensity.

In our case, her previous relationship with a boyfriend was a D/s relationship that involved BDSM play, as well as a sexual one. For my part, I knew she needed certain things that I couldn't give her, so I was very supportive of her relationship with a Dominant who could meet those needs. The relationship ended when we moved to Austin from Houston, but probably would've gone on for quite a while longer if we hadn't. After several years of swinging, we'd like to have something like that "just for her" again.

roadrunner · Unread post by **roadrunner** » Fri Nov 12, 2010 9:45 pm

Without wanting to pull this discussion too far off topic, and into a prolonged discussion about what makes a "cuckold" versus a "hotwife" relationship...

zedd767 wrote:We have always struggled with the hotwifing characterization because this site and others gave us the impression that hotwives were defined by having a high number of partners; whereas cuckoldresses had a fewer, but more regular partners that ranged from FBs to BFs in relationship intensity.

I've never understood "number of partners" as being a distinction between a hotwife and cuckoldress. I see descriptions of many hotwives who have one or very few partners, some of them long-term. Likewise, I often see cuckoldresses who have many short-term partners.

In my mind, the defining difference between a hotwife and a cuckoldress is the relationship with the husband. In a cuckold relationship, the husband is submissive to a significant degree in the sexual relationship, and he usually can be expected to get some sort of satisfaction in being humiliated. In a hotwife relationship the husband and wife are essentially equals, even though she is typically the only one having outside relationships, and the husbands satisfaction is voyeuristic in nature, whether is involvement is from actually watching, listening from another room, or reliving the experience more vicariously through her retelling the story and sharing pictures or videos of her sex.

To put it another way, I tend to see cockolding as a variation of BDSM, where the emphasis is on the power exchange, whereas hotwifing is closer to a variation of swinging with an emphasis on the sex itself.

Of course opinions differ, and any individual's situation may vary significantly from the "idealized" concept. To each their own!

As such, I would have to see the "secret affair with permission" relationship as falling toward the cuckold side of things, since the husbands satisfaction, if any, would pretty much have to come from the "power exchange" of his wife doing as she pleases while he is "powerless" to do anything about it.

Tommy · Unread post by **Tommy** » Sat Nov 13, 2010 6:21 am

My wife and I had an open marriage for several years, then the interest in outside affairs dwindled and ended. Or so I thought. While she knew I would continue to encourage her seeing other men, she didn't want to indulge me in this realm, I think, frankly, because she didn't want me interfering.

Because we had had an open marriage, I was well aware of all the signs she exhibited when seeing someone else: her behavior, anxiety, style of dress, makeup, schedule, time on the computer, distractedness, new underwear, interest in sex with me, etc. And all these signs did pop up simultaneously a couple years later, so I was certain she was having an affair. I did not let on, but merely enjoyed my own imagination about it and her heightened interest in sex with me while it lasted. To this day, neither she nor I have mentioned her secret affair. She might bring it up some day, but I won't.

In our case, she probably felt it was something she needed, and I got a lot of enjoyment out of it too. The arrangement might not work for everyone, but if I could, I would wholeheartedly encourage my wife to have secret affairs.

Matt2 · Unread post by **Matt2** » Sat Nov 13, 2010 6:58 am

I think there's much to be said for "not knowing" if the playing field is level. My 1st wife shared MFMs with me, but also made her own rules with some men and didn't share THOSE dalliances at all. It became confusing. We apparently had two sets of rules: one for "us", and another set for her. Not knowing was a negative in that case.

My 2nd wife was more reserved, and refused coital HWing but did enjoy the fantasy roleplays with me. She was also a painfully honest and open woman, much to my relief. Strangely enough she was not above considering oral delights for some man if I'd settle for that. I did, and arranged a situation, but it fell through at the last minute. Even though she agreed it still hadn't happened. She even threw a few hints my way that she was agreeable. I didn't pursue it further (don't know why.)

We were a few years into our marriage when she came to me and said she was having brown-bag lunches with a particular male co-worker just about everyday (she volunteered this.) He had some "marriage problems" and needed someone to dump on, according to her. After about 2 months it simply ended, she told me that as well. I threw her a B-Day party at a bar several months later and invited many of her co-workers to attend, and asked the grapevine to invite "marriage problem guy" as well.

He showed up and they spent a great deal of time together, pairing up as partners for billiards and such, laughing, tickling and bumping each other. There was no kissy-face that I could see. But every time I lost her in the crowd I could usually look for him... and she'd be there at his side. It started me wondering.

He took another job and they never saw each other again. We've always agreed that - when we probe into each other's personal life and ask knotty questions, we should always be prepared for an answer we don't want to hear. We've also agreed to NEVER lie to each other. I considered asking my wife if they had an oral affair. But I've enjoyed thinking they actually did way too much to have her tell me they didn't! In this case I prefer NOT to know (the truth)... when I can substitute my own version of it

tomwolfe · Unread post by **tomwolfe** » Sat Nov 13, 2010 1:12 pm

A true cuck has no say in the matter.

Dp4fun · Unread post by **Dp4fun** » Sat Nov 13, 2010 2:26 pm

Crimsoncat wrote:Hey guys,

I just had a discussion with my GF and she said, that she would like to cheat on me, because for her, its a extra exitement!

So what do you think: should i accept the fact that im submissive and dont know about her lovers or should i leave her and find someone more "honest"!

Anyway, i have accepted the fact, that she can have a secret affair.... So im asking for your opinion!

Thanks

I voted yes even if I would have prefered to know, why? Because I belive that I would benefit from it regardless one way or another. Maybe she would tell me later and learn something from the relationship that I also got to enjoy. Or maybe I am just fooling myself and using the excuse as a way of thinking that I am still in control, despite that she would probably do what she wanted anyway, I dont know. As long as I am horny, she is horny and we love eachother, does it really matter?

My best friend that doesn't kn ow about our lifestyle was totally devastated 2 years ago because his wife cheated on him, despite that he took her back. I don't blame him, I would have done the same if we werent into this that we are.. And while knowing that so many "normal" wives are cheating on their men, why dont get some exitement out of it?
Sorry for my rantings, I am drunk, my wife is out with "some friends" I belive her lover but doesn't know for sure, she will probably tell me tomorrow. I will not write any more posts while drunk, I promise

zedd767 · Unread post by **zedd767** » Sun Nov 14, 2010 10:27 am

Crimsoncat wrote:Hey guys,

I just had a discussion with my GF and she said, that she would like to cheat on me, because for her, its a extra exitement!

So what do you think: should i accept the fact that im submissive and dont know about her lovers or should i leave her and find someone more "honest"!

Anyway, i have accepted the fact, that she can have a secret affair.... So im asking for your opinion!

Thanks

I voted no to the poll question, because I believe that open relationships require a lot of honesty and a willingness to share in order to work. If I am understanding your first line correctly, your GF seems to be saying that keeping an affair secret from you brings an extra thrill to the whole thing for her. Without understanding her motivations as to why being dishonest with you is exciting for her, it's difficult to say more, except that most submissive men in this lifestyle would prefer to be with a woman who was honest about her dalliances and willing to share at least a little.

Apologies for hijacking your thread a little earlier. As they often do, some comments raised some interesting questions that might not get answered so directly without the context of the current thread.

Wittololdme · Unread post by **Wittololdme** » Thu Dec 13, 2012 3:19 pm

roadrunner wrote:Without wanting to pull this discussion too far off topic, and into a prolonged discussion about what makes a "cuckold" versus a "hotwife" relationship...

zedd767 wrote:We have always struggled with the hotwifing characterization because this site and others gave us the impression that hotwives were defined by having a high number of partners; whereas cuckoldresses had a fewer, but more regular partners that ranged from FBs to BFs in relationship intensity.
I've never understood "number of partners" as being a distinction between a hotwife and cuckoldress. I see descriptions of many hotwives who have one or very few partners, some of them long-term. Likewise, I often see cuckoldresses who have many short-term partners.

In my mind, the defining difference between a hotwife and a cuckoldress is the relationship with the husband. In a cuckold relationship, the husband is submissive to a significant degree in the sexual relationship, and he usually can be expected to get some sort of satisfaction in being humiliated. In a hotwife relationship the husband and wife are essentially equals, even though she is typically the only one having outside relationships, and the husbands satisfaction is voyeuristic in nature, whether is involvement is from actually watching, listening from another room, or reliving the experience more vicariously through her retelling the story and sharing pictures or videos of her sex.

To put it another way, I tend to see cockolding as a variation of BDSM, where the emphasis is on the power exchange, whereas hotwifing is closer to a variation of swinging with an emphasis on the sex itself.

Of course opinions differ, and any individual's situation may vary significantly from the "idealized" concept. To each their own!

As such, I would have to see the "secret affair with permission" relationship as falling toward the cuckold side of things, since the husbands satisfaction, if any, would pretty much have to come from the "power exchange" of his wife doing as she pleases while he is "powerless" to do anything about it.

A good description of cuckold vs hotwife distinction from an old thread. Well said.

TriangleTangle · Unread post by **TriangleTangle** » Thu Dec 13, 2012 3:58 pm

Excellent point about cuckolding/hotwifing and BDSM. A good stint on FetLife and local munches would do wonders for many cuckolding/hotwifing couples. Too few have the understanding of serous D/s relationships as well as the responsibilities and best practices necessary to make it safe, sane and sustainable.

TT

mentaldish · Unread post by **mentaldish** » Thu Dec 13, 2012 4:11 pm

Tommy wrote:My wife and I had an open marriage for several years, then the interest in outside affairs dwindled and ended. Or so I thought. While she knew I would continue to encourage her seeing other men, she didn't want to indulge me in this realm, I think, frankly, because she didn't want me interfering.

Because we had had an open marriage, I was well aware of all the signs she exhibited when seeing someone else: her behavior, anxiety, style of dress, makeup, schedule, time on the computer, distractedness, new underwear, interest in sex with me, etc. And all these signs did pop up simultaneously a couple years later, so I was certain she was having an affair. I did not let on, but merely enjoyed my own imagination about it and her heightened interest in sex with me while it lasted. To this day, neither she nor I have mentioned her secret affair. She might bring it up some day, but I won't.

In our case, she probably felt it was something she needed, and I got a lot of enjoyment out of it too. The arrangement might not work for everyone, but if I could, I would wholeheartedly encourage my wife to have secret affairs.

We went through a very similiar experience about 4 years into our marriage. We had been open those 4 years and did a lot of exploring/experimenting with 3-somes, couple swaps, etc., but most of it was at my urging. She was conflicted at the time about being a Hotwife (we didn't know the term existed at that time) and she had some resentment because she felt like I was pushing her (I didn't know any of this). In the midst of our very active open marriage she decided she wanted something all to herself and not to share it with me.

I discovered she was having an email affair and was planning on going through with it. At first I was shocked because it didn't make any sense to me and then I decided to ultimately buy the plane ticket so she could go visit her new FB in person and have the affair she wanted to have. Ultimately I confronted her and it was a good thing for our relationship because we started communicating much better after that. Of course since I love to share my wife and loved becoming a cuckold (although I didn't know that word either at the time) I encouraged her to go on the trip to see her FB and she had an amazing time. We learned that she could have something that was exclusive on the side and both could take pleasure from it.

cuckNLove · Unread post by **cuckNLove** » Wed Dec 19, 2012 11:22 am

NOOO!! don't insist on revealing that you know!..I used to love when my wife would say she was going to her friend's house. She would dress VERY sexily, and say "well, I'm off to Cara's" we both knew. I would kiss her goodbye. She would come home, obviously well fucked, and I would ask for a "story" about her having sex with someone else. She gave me the details while I went down on her. I always commented as to how red she was, or how wet.
For some reason, this allowed her to overcome whatever hang up she had. Especially in the beginning! She wouldn't do it now (she's had a bf for over a year and is very open) but it helped when she was younger. I don't know why it was that way, I just went with it....fond memories

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