The Story of My Hotwife Divorce

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roadrunner
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The Story of My Hotwife Divorce

Unread post by roadrunner » Thu Jan 06, 2011 7:34 pm

I've posted this a couple of times before in the Hotwife Forum, but it's rolled off again. I keep wanting to refer to it for the newbies, so I thought I'd post it here so it would stick around. Hopefully others can learn something from it.

...

My ex-wife S and I had both been married once before, and both of us still had teenagers living with us, including my three sons and two (sometimes three) of her four daughters. We met through the newspaper personals, this being just a couple of years before the Internet started catching on to the masses.

We got into hotwifing early in our relationship. It first came up after one of the first few times we had sex together. I asked her what was "the wildest thing she'd ever done in bed". At first she didn't want to tell me, afraid I'd think she was depraved (or something to that effect). After assuring that I wouldn't think less of her I finally got it out of her that she'd had a threesome. Needless to say, this was good news to me, since I'd very much enjoyed the hotwife experiences I had with my first wife.

Our first "toe in the water" experience came shortly thereafter, with her going out on a date with another guy that her sister had met through the personal ads, and thought S might like him. She told me she was thinking about going out with him, knowing he was just looking for sex. I encouraged her to meet him and see where it went. From what she told me about it afterward, they ended up in bed, but they never got around to intercourse because the guy couldn't keep it up.

After that we didn't do anything lifestyle-related for about another year. I guess that as we started getting closer we needed to be just a couple while we built our own relationship. In that time we'd bought a house and moved in together, getting engaged in the process. (It was a requirement for the loan!)

But we did keep fantasizing about it on occasion. One thing we agreed on was the if we did it again we'd rather have a threesome, with me at least watching and preferably participating, rather than her going out on her own. Of course that left us with the problem of how to find partners, since we couldn't imagine including any of our friends or coworkers.

The next step in that direction came when a single male friend of hers let her know he was going to be in town. This was someone in her profession, and I think they once worked together. But he was now working in Saudi Arabia, making excellent money with major tax advantages, and long vacations to come back home. He was also one of the guys she had her previous threesome with! Besides that one experience they'd carried on a "friends with benefits" relationship before we met.

He seemed the ideal candidate. She already knew him and was comfortable with him. He already knew about her "inner pervert". And they were compatible sexually, though they didn't have any interest in a more serious relationship. Besides, with him working half-way around the world it would limit how far things could go anyway. We were in business!

He came to town and we met him for dinner, then we got a room a motel. Everyone had a great time, and it energized our own sex for a long time after. That motel also happened to be on the way to most of the places we had to go, and we would often exchange shit-eating grins as we drove past.

From there we moved to looking for single guys through ads in the local swinger contact magazine, sold at the "dirty book stores". It was a lot slower than the internet, since you had to write real letters (on paper!) and make initial contact through the US Postal Service, by way of the magazine's "drop box" service. We met a few single guys that way, and some of them ended up in bed with my wife, while I either looked on or took turns. (OK, some of them were on the couch or the living room floor, rather than in an actual bed, but they were all fun!)

Somewhere in there we got married.

We also found out about a swing club that had monthly socials at a hotel in Richmond, about an hour away from where we lived. We decided to give it a try, the first time being on my birthday, and with a Halloween party theme. We got a room at the hotel and left the teenagers with a "supervisor". (At that age, they just needed someone to make sure they didn't do anything TOO outrageous!) We had a great time at the party. Met another couple and ended up with the four of us on the bed in one of our rooms while we swapped spouses for the first time.

Did it again the next month, meeting another couple. And we continued when the mood and opportunity struck us, averaging probably three or four times a year.

We also got hooked into the internet. By now it had become a viable way of meeting people. (Remember dial-up? It was still a lot faster than "snail mail"!) We used it to meet both couples for swinging and single guys for hotwife threesomes.

We also found a more local bar that swingers would hang out at on Saturday nights. The bar was in a motel, so if you found someone to hookup with you didn't have to go far. It was mostly couples, but some single guys would show up, hoping to get lucky too. A couple of them did!

One of those led to the first time she played semi-solo. It wasn't planned that way, but just happened. S got to talking with a guy in the bar, and they were interested in each other. He was single but had a lady friend with him that was his "swing partner" to even things up for playing with a couple. Found out later they didn't really know each other all that well. We got a room and things weren't working out between her and I. (This was before Viagra, and besides, I was still distracted with wanting to watch them too!) She decided she wanted to play with the other guy, but he was busy with S and wasn't going to give her up. S didn't want to give him up either! (If they'd been married maybe it would have been different.)

She got pissed and demanded to be taken home "NOW". I figured why ruin their fun, I'd run her home and be right back. Turned out "home" was a lot farther away than I'd thought, and clear across the tunnel under the bay. Then on the way back there was an accident in the Hampton Roads Bridge-Tunnel so traffic was stopped. By the time I got around through the alternate route it was close to two hours later and they were done and he'd left.

Not long after that experience, we found ourselves playing with another couple that preferred separate rooms. We hadn't really talked about it before, but S and the other husband ended up in their bedroom while I was in the living room on the couch with the other wife. That was still pretty cool though, because they'd left the door open so I could still hear everything that was going on. I decided I like hearing too!

I also noticed that when we played separately I didn't feel like I had to worry quite so much about S getting one of her occasional jealous streaks if I found myself having TOO much fun with another woman.

This continued until we'd been playing in one way or another for about 5 years. Then we were at an informal off-premises swing club that met at a local union hall. It was organized as just a social with a DJ and a dance floor, and it afforded couple a place to mingle and meet. We'd been there before and had found several lifestyle friends. Some of them we played with and some we didn't.

But this one particular night we met a couple. S really hit it off with the husband G, and I got along great with the wife A. Those who have done some swinging probably know how difficult it can be to find another couple where everyone gets along so well, and no one feels like they have to "take one for the team". Nothing happened that night beyond flirting, but we exchanged phone numbers, and about a week later we arranged to meet them for dinner.

Things went well with the four of us. By the end of dinner we decided to get a couple of rooms for the night, with S and G in one and A and I in the other.

We nearly always looked to be friends with our playmates, and welcomed doing things out of bed as well as in bed. With A and G we found we had many things in common. When we went out together everyone assumed that S and G were one couple and A and I were another. One waitress even told us that she could tell that A and G were "brother and sister", which gave us all a good laugh.

In the meanwhile, kids moved out - and moved back in. When we had the house to ourselves we'd spend the night together, S and G in one bedroom and A and I in another. Other times we'd have to improvise. Sometimes we'd get a couple of rooms for the night. And in the summers we'd take a week vacation together and get a cottage at the beach.

This continued for the next two years. We'd stopped going to parties, and began dropping contact with our other friends. We each got closer to the other spouse and after a few months we began to openly acknowledge our feeling for each other. Over that time the relationship grew from friends into a more polyamorous relationship.

But all was not well in paradise. Many of the problems S and I had early in our relationship centered around our children. She didn't get along with my sons very well at all. She was very critical of them, and every fault of theirs was pointed out. When there were problems she demanded swift action, and wouldn't let me deal with them without interjecting. But then she would let her daughters get away with the same shit, while defending them. And many of the things the boys were required to work for were given to her daughters for free.

There was a strong attitude on her part of, "My kids are better than yours!". My boys picked up on the double standard and resented her for it. That resulted in them acting out against her even more and things escalated from there. I didn't know how to deal with it and both S and the boys resented me for it.

It tended to get worse as things went on, until they graduated from high school and moved out. Things got better for a while, but then other issues started coming out.

As we got more involved with A and G she became more critical of things I did. It got to where I never knew what was going to set her off. If I tried to do something nice for her my motives were questioned. Gifts for birthday, Christmas, Valentine's Day, or whatever were either not good enough, or "just trying to buy her off". (From what I was never quite sure.)

She wanted sex with me less and less frequently, and when we did it seemed like she was either giving me a mercy fuck or because she hadn't had it from G in a while and I was just something for her to get off on. Meanwhile she was having sex with G every chance she could.

Eventually we went to marriage counseling. I figured we needed to work on our communication skills. Of course its not easy to find a marriage counselor that will be understanding to our alternative lifestyle, especially in Virginia. The one guy I found that was listed in any alternative lifestyle listing of any kind was going to be way too "new age" for us. But we really didn't think the relationship with A and G was a major part of our problem. The real problem was between her and I. So we left that out.

(In hindsight, we probably should have brought it up. But then again, in further hindsight, it probably wouldn't have really mattered anyway. She once told me in an argument that she only went so we could find out what *my* problem was. That along with other comments she made since led me to the conclusion was that she really went so she could tell family and friends that she "tried counseling, but it didn't seem to do any good.")

Things between S and I continued to deteriorate. It seemed S was finding every opportunity to criticize most anything I did. I've had occasional ED for some time now, and she began to openly criticize my performance in bed. The result was that I lost all interest in even trying to have sex with her, though sex with A was still great.

By that time I realized the only reason we were together was so we could continue the relationship with A and G. They had told us that if S and I were no longer a couple then our relationship with them would be over as well. But I knew it couldn't last but so much longer as it was. Even so, the way the end came about was a surprise.

It seems all was not as well as I had believed on the other side of the foursome. I can't say with much certainty what was going on in A and G's marriage. I only got A's story, which I now know left out at least a couple of significant items, and a couple of rumors from S and one of her daughters, neither of whom I would consider "credible sources".

As best I can make out, G had a spy program on their computer and was monitoring A's computer usage. It seems she was communicating with some guy (an ex-boyfriend?) and G decided he couldn't trust her. And now he was giving her a couple of weeks to move out.

Two days later, S told me she wanted a divorce. She insisted the timing was "coincidence".

A couple of weeks after that A moved into a fairly cheap extended-stay motel room with a weekly rate, officially a "trial separation" but I don't think any one really believed the "trial" part. About the same time S moved out into a place of her own. She continued to see G and I continued seeing A, though I could tell things between A and I weren't quite "right". She said she needed time to sort things through and decide what she wanted to do with her life.

A couple of months after the two marriages broke up, A told me she needed to be on her own. She wasn't seeing anyone else, but she didn't want to keep seeing me. I found out a few months later that wasn't exactly the truth.

A played board games online through a games web site that she introduced me to. Players can create profiles and include things about what's going on in her life. They can also exchange messages as they play. I noticed the profile of her most frequent opponent, who lives in this area, had posted an update a couple of weeks before A told me she "wasn't seeing anyone else". In his post he said he'd "reconnected with the love of his life, describing A in enough detail as to leave little doubt it was her. So as I suspected there was more to the story than I was being told.

Since then I've been living mostly on my own. I've dated several ladies over the last five years, none exclusively. I currently have three that I have some kind of "significant" relationship with. Of my current relationships, the longest has been nearly four years, and the shortest about three months shy of three years. They all know who else I'm seeing, and a couple have met and are casual friends. I still consider myself to be "poly" by nature, and don't expect to be in a monogamous relationship again.

So what can we learn from this marital autopsy? Did hotwifing/swinging/polyamory cause the breakup?

My own feeling is that, though it obviously played a role, I don't think it was really the "cause" of it. Marriages break up for a variety of reasons, and when I say that I mean that its rare for any marriage to break up for just one thing. Ours was no exception.

Looking back I think our marriage was doomed from the beginning. And given the 20/20 vision of hindsight I can see that it was a mistake for us to move in together in the first place. Part of me feels like I should have known. Maybe if we'd rented a house for the first year or so it would have been easier to back away when the early cracks appeared, but owning the home that we financially couldn't get out of without financial disaster had us trapped.

On her end, I think a lot of the problems were rooted in a mix of low self-esteem and subtle competitiveness. (Something I'm not immune to myself, which I'm sure exacerbated things.) I figured out after many years and tears that she's one of those people who doesn't feel good about themselves, and responds by demeaning others. She wasn't usually very overt about it, but was the master of the underhanded comment. But over time I noticed that most of the things she complained about in others were the same things she was guilty of herself.

Other problems we a result of our basic personalities not meshing well. She wanted me to have everything planned out ahead of time, while I tend to make decisions (things like what to do, where to eat) on a more spur-of-the-moment basis. She wanted me to be more outgoing. I asked her, late in the marriage, why she married me, knowing I was the way I am. She told me, "I thought you would change".

The bottom line is that I wasn't really what she wanted in a mate. She found a new mate through swinging, but she hadn't found him there she'd have either found someone somewhere else, or we'd have been miserable until we couldn't stand it any more.

So hotwife/swinging may have hastened our breakup. But from where I sit now that wasn't a bad thing.
Two words that should rarely be used when discussing human behavior are 'always' and 'never'!

Softail
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Re: The Story of My Hotwife Divorce

Unread post by Softail » Wed Jan 12, 2011 8:33 am

A powerful testimony. Thank You for sharing your story. May we ALL learn lessons from your joys and pains.
Softail
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sdbuffalo
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Re: The Story of My Hotwife Divorce

Unread post by sdbuffalo » Wed Jan 12, 2011 2:31 pm

Amen to the testimony.

Your story brought on in spades, memories of things very similar that I went thru [in the wonderful world of divorce]....
... Eventually we went to marriage counseling. I figured we needed to work on our communication skills.... [My observation too, at the time....] (... She once told me in an argument that she only went so we could find out what *my* problem was. That along with other comments she made since led me to the conclusion was that she really went so she could tell family and friends that she "tried counseling, but it didn't seem to do any good.")
Thank you for sharing, it helps.
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luxxluthor
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Re: The Story of My Hotwife Divorce

Unread post by luxxluthor » Wed Jan 12, 2011 3:16 pm

Something almost identical happened to a friend and his wife that I was a "boyfriend" to. Lessons to be learned.

reese
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Re: The Story of My Hotwife Divorce

Unread post by reese » Thu Jan 13, 2011 6:12 am

thanks for sharing your story.
Reese!!!!
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rick181au
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Re: The Story of My Hotwife.

Unread post by rick181au » Fri Jan 21, 2011 5:04 am

The wife and I started going together just before our 18th birthdays, I took her cherry when she turned 19 (she was a strict church going Catholic girl) we married at 21 and had our family at 28 and 30 and she had her tubes tied after our second child, her choice.
She went with her first ever other guy when we were 35 and married 15 years, we spent 5 years in the swinging scene and another five playing with both swinging, M F M threesomes and her being a hot wife with other guys, then we dropped the swinging and played with the M F M threesomes and her being a hot wife with other guys as I found out I loved seeing her going with other guys and going silky seconds.
Now we have been married close onto 50 years and are still very much in love and still playing with others, life has been pretty good to us I think.
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Anneloen
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Re: The Story of My Hotwife Divorce

Unread post by Anneloen » Tue Oct 04, 2016 11:35 pm

Thanks for sharing this honest story

OZCPL
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Re: The Story of My Hotwife Divorce

Unread post by OZCPL » Fri Oct 21, 2016 3:06 pm

Thanks buddy sorry it didn't work out. Women can be complicated. Can't help feeling if she had been more open and honest at the start things could have been different and better for her and you.

JeffBingham

Re: The Story of My Hotwife Divorce

Unread post by JeffBingham » Fri Oct 13, 2017 9:08 am

Thanks for linking this thread to bring it back to life.

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Re: The Story of My Hotwife Divorce

Unread post by OZCPL » Wed Oct 18, 2017 10:26 pm

There was a strong attitude on her part of, "My kids are better than yours!". My boys picked up on the double standard and resented her for it. That resulted in them acting out against her even more and things escalated from there. I didn't know how to deal with it and both S and the boys resented me for it.

-------------
That's where the train left the station gathering speed toward the inevitable divorce. She thought you were week and if you would not stand up for your boys then how could she expect you to stand up for her. If she didn't think it she felt it, nothing surer. Later events contributed to the end but they were already out of your control.

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Samanthasman
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Re: The Story of My Hotwife Divorce

Unread post by Samanthasman » Wed Oct 18, 2017 10:44 pm

Thank you so much for sharing your story on here. This sort of story is very useful to newbies.

I do suspect that tell the therapist the whole story is critical, but you would sense better than anyone if that would have really made a difference.
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