Non-Fiction: Compersion and The Cool Fire of Hotwifing

[TriangleTangle]

Bump.

[mjsocal]

This is a marvelous thread and makes great reading for anyone with an interest in the lifestyle. It feeds the fantasy and it fuels the reality. Well done!

[alloverit]

This is a marvelous thread and makes great reading for anyone with an interest in the lifestyle. It feeds the fantasy and it fuels the reality. Well done!

mjsocal, thank you for bumping this thread. I would never have read, or even known of it otherwise.


Triangle Tangle,

Where do I start? I will never be able to articulate the connection between my affinity for this fantasy, and its correlate fetishes, and my anxieties, insecurities, my amygdala, and finally, my cock.

With that out of the way, and in my less skilled use of written language, let me say thank you. Let me also say that a parsing of the hotwife/cuckold vernacular and all that could come from it would in no way compliment or diminish how perfectly, succinctly, and simply that compersion, as you presented it, represents the very core (and corps) of this maddening, and in my case, marriage destroying addiction.

I have had this for as long as I can remember. It literally "provoked" me into a marriage proposal and subsequent failed relationship.

Your OP, and specificly, the concept of reciprocal compersion is what I was desperate for yet completely incapable of articulating to my ex wife.

She did engage in a few experiences but for reasons of communication and trust, the possibility of compersion devolved into the bitter ash of anger, anxiety, dissapointment, and depression.

At 44, and a complete mess, I do not forsee meeting a compatible woman that also offers the possibility of reciprocal compersion.

No real reason for this post other than I read your posts and I suppose the above thoughts just needed to be let out.

[ronald303]

Awesome post. As newcomers, this ought to be extremely helpful to show my wife. Thanks!

[TriangleTangle]

Thanks for the kind words.

alloverit, thanks especially for sharing your situation as well; many of us have had relationships that have gone belly up after delving into this lifestyle -it is a risk and I can personally relate. But, the same time, I now understand that those relationships were not meant to last - they were inferior relationships and ending them eventually turned out to be a blessing, not a punishment. The remorse and regret are inevitable, but don't lose hope - at your age there are many, many years ahead of you to find the right partner - one that WILL share in the honestly, trust, and loyalty that makes a great relationship great. The is life after - and knowing what you now know means you know what you want - don't settle for less.

TriangleTangle

[alloverit]

I am quite fortunate to have found a very compatible woman. She just is not into anything remotely HW related. I honestly can say if I knew that my interest in HWing was the dominant cause of my divorce, I would not have engaged in its pursuit.

However, I did. As a result, I discovered this desire. It no longer controls all of my sexual thoughts as it once did. BUT, it is still more powerful than any and all other fantasies I have combined.

[TriangleTangle]

Bump!

[TriangleTangle]

Cuck_Addict,

I appreciate the civil discourse immensely as well - thank you for your thoughts and insights.

You are 100% correct in that I originally based some of my OP on Freud's theory on one's ability to eroticise fear. I didn't mention Freud as I didn't want to devolve into theories of personality (where I recall initial studying Freud and others in my freshman year a few lifetimes ago).

I was not trying to use Compersion as justification - not in the least. I am using it to describe the direct link between between the physical sexual reaction males get as a result of the transformation of fear and anxiety into erotic stimulant. A main point I made in the OP was as follows:

Notice that I didn’t say ‘get over’ or unlearn jealousy. Jealousy is an essential and critical set of emotions that provide the fuel for Compersion. Getting ‘over’ or ‘past’ jealousy would be like saying if you don’t like some foods, permanently numb all the nerves in your mouth. Tarmoino does a good job breaking down jealousy itself into its discrete components that include fear, insecurity, envy, competitiveness, inadequacy, possessiveness, fear of abandonment, feeling unloved and feeling left out. I’d like to add my own to the list that include self-doubt, self-worth, and self-esteem in there as well. I am in agreement with the author that jealousy is too broad a term and means different things to different people without specifics. Jealousy manifests itself in different ways and we need to use it as a warning light or a guidepost to alert us so that we can use it effectively. I personally have come to realize that it is really a tool and a skill that needs to be learned, managed, mastered but not overcome.

It would be easy, based on some definitions to think of Compersion as just some intellectual exercise. You are right on that I’ve used the term to encapsulate Freud's theory on the libido's ability to eroticise jealousy, fear and anxiety as a way to help others understand why we men get erections and all of the physical and mental sexual stimulation at just the thought of, or the act of our wives having sex with other men, not to justify it or qualify it.

I did especially enjoy your point that “once the man falls from her grace or he perceives he has fallen from the #1 status, the fantasy/fetish begins to rapidly unravel”– how very true indeed. That is a key concept most men need to understand to be able to avoid a train wreck in the first place. The only thing I can add to that however is that even thought I experienced two "train wrecks" myself a long time ago, the fantasy/fetish never unraveled for me. In fact, I've since resolved that if my current wife were to push me from #1 status I'd not just let go, I'd help her pack her bags, put her on the plane or bus, and send her on her way with a kiss and well wishes. I'd move on move on to find a better partner that deserves my love and affection without any emotional turmoil (you need to go through such loss once or twice to get to that point). I learned that if sex is the main thing a woman bases her devotion to a man upon, then I want no part of her and certainly don't want to grow old together - he can have her as I want better.

One point I will make in defense of deriving pleasure from a partner is very basic - if I don’t have a clear sense that my wife is deriving pleasure when she is having sex with another man, then I get no erotic stimulation at all. Her pleasure is just as important to my own physical stimulation as is the eroticisizing of my fears and anxieties. I think the two actually go hand-in-hand.

TriangleTangle

[Luv It]

........................One point I will make in defense of deriving pleasure from a partner is very basic - if I don’t have a clear sense that my wife is deriving pleasure when she is having sex with another man, then I get no erotic stimulation at all. Her pleasure is just as important to my own physical stimulation as is the eroticisizing of my fears and anxieties. I think the two actually go hand-in-hand.

I feel exactly the same. It's no turn on for me unless she is receiving pleasure.
This includes romantic pleasures.
For me this also include the pleasure he is receiving from my wife and I want them both to experience maximum pleasure together.
i want them to make love and not just fuck.

So, it follows that the more pleasure they experience , the more it tuns me on.

Of course, the more sexual and romantic mutual pleasure they experience together , the more it increases my anxieties.

It's all like an infinite loop as the two conflicting emotions feed off and intensify each other.

(Edited for spelling)

[TriangleTangle]

........................One point I will make in defense of deriving pleasure from a partner is very basic - if I don’t have a clear sense that my wife is deriving pleasure when she is having sex with another man, then I get no erotic stimulation at all. Her pleasure is just as important to my own physical stimulation as is the eroticisizing of my fears and anxieties. I think the two actually go hand-in-hand.

I feel exactly they same. It's no turn on for me unless she is receiving pleasure.
This includes romantic pleasures.
For me this also include the pleasure he is receiving from my wife and I want them both to experience maximum pleasure together.
i want them to make love and not just fuck.

So, it follows that the more pleasure they experience , the more it tuns me on.

Of course, the more sexual and romantic mutual pleasure they experience together , the more it increases my anxieties.

It's all like a an infant loop as the two conflicting emotions feed off and intensify each other.

...and THAT is what I mean by Compersion!

TT

[Luv It]

Yes, but, I wonder (at least in my case) how much compersion is actually just vicarious pleasure for me

Keep in mind that originally my wife was a cheating long term live in girlfriend and I would be very jealous and angry when she cheated.

However, gradually it started to turn me on more and more..
Eventually, I started to want my wife and a given steady boyfriend to get as romantic as possible...getting turned on by their bonding.
To this end I would allow/encourage them to spend extended time together.

Anyway, i always got turned on but their mutual pleasure.

[Lobishomen]

I'll try this again. In my opinion Mr Alston's response is unnecessarily condescending and dismissive as if only he can write on the topic. I find Triangle's explanation compelling. Mr Alston's response seems to be more oriented to protecting his brand.

I am confused about the availabiltiy of Mr Alstons book as I see repeated reference to the fact that it is delayed in being available on Amazon. I'll go back and review the site to find the necessary instructions for purchase.

Thanks to the moderator for saving me from humiliation and embarassment as I'm more into the hotwifing than cuckolding side of the equation.

The book is not available on Amazon yet but still can be ordered through this site.
http://ourhotwives.org/forum/viewtopic. ... 60#p281660

Where can this book be obtained these days?

[allengt]

I'll try this again. In my opinion Mr Alston's response is unnecessarily condescending and dismissive as if only he can write on the topic. I find Triangle's explanation compelling. Mr Alston's response seems to be more oriented to protecting his brand.

I am confused about the availabiltiy of Mr Alstons book as I see repeated reference to the fact that it is delayed in being available on Amazon. I'll go back and review the site to find the necessary instructions for purchase.

Thanks to the moderator for saving me from humiliation and embarassment as I'm more into the hotwifing than cuckolding side of the equation.

The book is not available on Amazon yet but still can be ordered through this site.
http://ourhotwives.org/forum/viewtopic. ... 60#p281660

Where can this book be obtained these days?

PM me.

[TriangleTangle]

phaedruscj,

I have a thick skin and prefer to take the high road. Cody Alston made some interesting observations to which s/he is entitled. For example, I tend to agree that my use of the word 'brainwashed' would normally be over the top - in a formally published manuscript that is. What I wrote was written casually and most readers in an informal discussion forum such as this one will get the intent of what I meant; I don't know why s/he didn't. On that point, I do feel that in historical terms, ruling aristocracies do a sort of cultural conditioning that borders on brainwashing. After all, they do not want women to be sexually liberated and independent; they culture women for traditional post-agricultural roles as breeding machines in nuclear families so they can generate obedient soldiers to protect their fortunes that ignorantly fight and die as pawns in a crusade for more wealth - so yes, I call that a subtle form of cultural brainwashing and more accurately as Cody Alston points out, cultural conditioning.

On compersion, I feel s/he is wildly off-base calling it a new age concept. Only in recent years has a term been coined to uniquely identify a previously unlabeled powerful and compelling emotion. I’d ask Cody to reconsider because by his/her own admission, and I quote:

“in fact they are using "fun" only because they want to give SOME reason but without having to engage in the introspection that might lead to their REAL reason...which is probably buried in the subconscious anyway”.

I am contenting is that comperson is that REAL reason that is buried in the subconscious. If s/he does not agree then I challenge Cody to provide his or her own theory of exactly what that root element is that is buried in the subconscious. If in fact Cody Alston is really a she, then that would certainly explain why she doesn’t grasp sexual compersion as it is generally a male experience - and it’s no wonder why she doesn’t get it.

And for the record, I did read Dr. Ley’s book on Insatiable Wifes but did not consider it a practical book on Hotwifing, but in retrospect could have cited it. I actually found that book to be quite shallow when it came to the male perspective. Cody says him/herself: "Further, David Ley's book was out almost a year before mine, and CLAIMED to be on hotwifing, though I would argue it isn't". So I ask why s/he argues first I should have cited it then find that s/he actually agrees with my own view that book really wasn't about hotwifing - odd to say the least!

When I read Cody Alston's opinions, which I personally and privately requested by the way, I needed to read past a number of statements that I considered quite unnecessary and unproductive and focused on only the relevant comments. I wish only that Cody Alston would, as an credible author, respect and give credence to multiple points of view such as this one that resonate with many males or the book for sale will be quite myopic.

This is a discussion forum and, if this forum has any integrity whatsoever, it will encourage the free and open exchange of ideas with respectful and civil discourse and not censor anything but troublemakers that violate the terms of the site. I'd like participants to discuss more of the subject than create conflict; most of us are an intelligent bunch we don't need to devolve into personal attacks when we disagree. Hopefully we can all rise above that.

TriangleTangle

Compersion is actually derived from the 8th century archaic french "comper". New age indeed. Thank you so much for referring me to this thread TT, very good stuff, and I will follow up by pm after I have digested all of this, really great stuff. I think I might even read my wife a bedtime story.
While I have covered a lot of this in conversation with her over the last eleven months, you have it all collated in such a nice tight digestible package. I think that for me ( I feel a conscious sense of achieving resolution, or victory over what I formerly would have identified as "jealousy" ) angst may describe what I feel slightly more precisely that jealosy, but then so far, real as it may have felt, its only been provocation, it would be presumptuous of me to assume what I will feel if I ever reach the point of actually watching/sharing my wife in a MFM.

Yes, I agree, angst on the male's part, especially while the woman is playing, might be the most common feeling of all. I pondered angst as well - it has a root cause(s) which I think (at least for me), goes beyond simple impatience because the angst is also a key ingredient of my own (and suspect many others) erotic arousal. Without the angst would we husbands get so hard and horny? That's why I learned to welcome and want the angst, where many brand new to this lifestyle often react negatively. Once I reversed my view on angst as being a good thing it really ampeed up the pleasure of the whole experience. Bring it on!

TriangleTangle

[Mejillas]

Great thread. How can I obtain a copy of Cody Alston’s book on Hotwfing?

I’ve scoured the internet and can find little to no information on this book (nor “Cody” for that matter) that so many OHW members think very highly of.

[allengt]

Great thread. How can I obtain a copy of Cody Alston’s book on Hotwfing?

I’ve scoured the internet and can find little to no information on this book (nor “Cody” for that matter) that so many OHW members think very highly of.

PM me

[alloverit]

Hey allenGT,

Would you say that the book is "fit" for a public library? Was thinking about asking mine to order.