Samantha's Story (Kill Bill: Volume 2)

[Samantha]

Hi guys,
Thanks in advance for welcoming me in to the group. In the last several days, I’ve been watching closely from the sidelines. As you know it’s been a fun, wild, and at times harrowing ride for Samantha's Man (SM) and me. I appreciate you all being here to advise SM. I know he’s gotten a lot of value out of the group and it’s been very enlightening for him to be out here. As you know, he’s been trying to get me to post for a long time but I’ve delayed for a few reasons. That being said, I’m here now.

SM has posted much of our story (see "Kill Bill.... Asking Wife to dump BF") so I won’t rehash everything except to clarify a few things and give some additional insights. So on a long plane ride from the West coast to the East coast, here goes. I’m not a big talker/writer but when I do give in to it, it comes (as you’ll see) in like a tsunami.

A little about me. I’m an ENTJ, MBA, CEO, hard driving, ambitious, passionate woman who wants what I want, when I want, how I want and doesn’t like to be boxed in or settle or compromise - and I am EXACTLY like SM. I have very few close friends and I have even fewer girlfriends and none of them would understand this. I relate more to men than I do to women. When someone comes to me with a problem I try to solve it instead of the traditional female approach of empathizing. I think like a man even though I’m all woman.

SM and I have life on a string, our cup runneth over, but we’ll never get our fill. SM and I are happy go lucky but rarely fully satisfied and always pushing for more. There has never been a truer man/companion/lover/husband for me than SM. He knows this through and through because he knows me like no one else knows me.

SM and I have been together for over 11 years. At the beginning of our relationship he suggested that I start seeing an old BF from college, I think you all know him by “Alan”. That was a fun and loving relationship that lasted for 10 years.

I loved Alan and SM knew that - from the beginning. (I know, you’re thinking a Poly-variation here) Alan and I have known each other for 20 years. We were very close emotionally. He was a very special friend to me and someone who really sought to understand me from both a physical and emotional standpoint. Alan knew my darkest secrets and thoughts. I saw him irregularly over a 10 year period. He many times asked me to be with him solely, start a family and a life with him. I declined because I saw a much more enriching future with SM and was committed to SM. SM understands me like no other, puts up with me, and constantly challenges me. SM knows I need to be challenged and knows when to do that and knows how to overcome my resistance. It’s a funny thing; I get bored and need change but sometimes don’t want to make a change - SM notices that in me and puts a challenge in front of us so we can take our lives to another level. That is a quality I’ve never found in any other person I’ve ever met. That’s part of the long-term stickiness of our relationship. That’s also why we are here.

In my HW adventure, I’ve been very clear that I want an open, sharing, developing, deep relationship with another. I seek to be known and understood not just physically, but also emotionally. That knowledge of my person can help my partner pick my lock and bring me even more pleasure. I like the idea of someone pulling back the layers and I like pulling back their layers. I think because of this, SM would call me a hog. He wants me to just be a pig. (Pigs get fat and hogs get slaughtered.) But I am wired to want it all (and honestly, so is SM) But at the end of the day, I also know where I call home and who I’m going home to, SM. I do ask for a lot of leeway here - at times I’ve earned it and at times I’ve crushed it. I understand that.

SM was jealous of that relationship with Alan, but ultimately knew that Alan was not a threat to our relationship. However SM’s mixed emotions ruled the day and many times made it unsatisfying to all parties involved.

That BF relationship officially ended roughly in the summer of 2013. (Although I still get the occasional text from him and still consider him a close friend.) At that point I wanted to retire my HW status and wasn’t really interested in pursuing anything new. For months SM begged me to get back into it and find someone new. I was reluctant to do so because of some of the issues that had come up with Alan and SM. Specifically for years SM would say “Go make a date!”, then 1 minute after I’d do so, he’d say “Go cancel your date!”. This happened about 75% of the time. It was very frustrating for me and Alan. Obviously SM had mixed emotions about wanting me to do it; his desire would lead then his jealously would kick in and completely dominate. (This was before he found this HW site and started to better understand himself.) I’m sure some of the other HW’s and HWH’s can relate to wanting it but also fearing it and struggling to get their partner to fully understand that internal conflict. We are all imprinted with societal rules and this is a strong break from the traditional marriage model and obviously most people don’t get it and many of the ones that do get it and our addicted to it also seem to struggle with reconciling their feelings about it from time to time as well.

When we restarted this past January, SM promised that he would not torture everyone any more; he would not be decisive for me to go out and then be immediately decisive for me to cancel the date - i.e. be totally indecisive and entirely frustrating. Reluctantly and after much pressure by SM, I acquiesced to his request and put a profile on Ashley Madison (AM). Then the flood gates opened. AM was a trial. Honestly I wasn’t sure if it would work or if I’d find anyone I liked, trusted and could connect with. The flood of suiters definitely excited SM and made him very proud of my attractiveness which is a major turn on for him. He loves the idea of other men looking at and wanting me. I loved AM because it’s where married people (who want to stay married) go to seek relationships. I want someone who is committed to another but just needs a little something extra on the side. Alan was never married and that presented some challenges. I didn’t want that additional problem to solve as I restarted, so AM was the perfect solution for us.

SM was also excited about finally getting some balance (i.e. multiple lovers) instead of just one BF, like I had had before with Alan. Part of our 2014 agreement was that I would TRY to find more than one man to make SM feel at ease. I did that even though it makes me feel uncomfortable and slutty (societal imprint talking here).

I immediately found Bill on AM and he stood out to me. Bill was the first AM date I had, the first AM romp I had, and I trusted him and connected with him like no one else I found on AM. Connection is not something that I take lightly. It can’t be bottled and sold or replicated; it’s either there or it isn’t. It’s hard to describe what you are looking for, but everyone knows it when they’ve found it. Bill and I had that connection in spades. SM knew that from the beginning. SM was excited about the whole thing and was committed to not being indecisive. He was very open to me exploring and we had lots of long conversations about it. Bill made it very clear early on and throughout that he loved his wife and they had a very special bond and he had every intention of keeping that going. The thing that made me say “Bill’s the right guy for us!” was when Bill told me that he “couldn’t imagine growing old with anyone other than his wife.” This was a statement he made early on in our conversations. That’s when I looked at SM and said, “He’s perfect for us! One less point of contention/drama and it’ll help us enjoy it all the more.” Bill and his wife have a family and business together which I think also further increases their bond. I know where Bill’s heart is and it’s with his wife.

Because of our issues (red light/green light) with my previous BF, SM promised he would improve/control that aspect to make it more enjoyable for both of us. As a result, he committed to himself to never say “no” when I asked for something (or when I was asked for something). However, the truth was, he didn’t feel comfortable but pushed himself to get out of his comfort zone so as to make it more fun. It was very much a turn on for him and he’d give me all A’s on my report card (except in the subject of honest). However, I wasn’t tuned in to this wavering. I wish I would have been. I probably ignored major signs along the way. I see them now and that’s why one of the things we’ve talked about is SM not doing/saying things he’s actually uncomfortable with even though he’s committed to being decisive and not saying “no”. Saying yes, when you feel like saying no is a recipe for disaster.

At the beginning on my relationship with Bill, I was honestly consumed with the NRE. (More so than with Alan because I saw Bill much more frequently than I saw Alan.) So my NRE combined with SM’s promise to himself to never say “no” was an explosive combination. It resulted in some white hot experiences that we’ll never forget and have been fantastic. But it’s also what pushed us to the breaking point. Now we are rebuilding.

I took his can’t say “no” as a green light even when I knew/should have known I was pushing him out of his comfort zone. I like black and white, discrete courses of action and when he told me go, I went like a bat out of hell. But the truth is, he wasn’t comfortable.

There’s a trail I run by our home. I usually always run it in the same direction. After we split with Bill, I started reading “Also newbie” and “Kill Bill...” on this site and I also started running the trail in reverse. I saw so many things along that trail, that I thought I knew so well, that I had never seen before because I got another perspective. In the same way, when I read SM’s posts, I got another perspective, SM’s perspective. Admittedly I had been hearing it the whole time, but I had ignored much of it because he never said “no”. He revealed his vulnerabilities in his honest posts to you guys. Reading it made me see things in a whole new light. Sometimes the things that are right in front of you, you miss. Sometimes the one’s we love the most, we take for granted. It’s a shame, but also a part of human nature.

Did we have some issues along the way and did I screw some major things up, i.e. lie? - YES, absolutely and undoubtably. Are we actively working through them, intent on staying together? Do I want it my way? Do I want to be a hog? But am I willing to find a compromise (be a pig)? Am I manipulative and negotiating for my wants? Is SM manipulative and negotiating for his wants? Are we still finding our way through our wants and desire and this maze? Absolutely YES to all the above. However, I am confident SM and I will figure it out. Neither of us may be completely happy and both of us are wired to be hogs and want it our own way so it will be a difficult journey for us, but certainly not the most difficult thing we’ve ever worked through. What’s important to know is that we are deeply in love and we really do have a good relationship. This lifestyle - whichever version of it you chose - is not a zero sum game. Under the right circumstance and with the right people it can enhance your life like no other, even when it gets difficult.

I have to get better at reading SM and asking direct questions and getting answers that are absolute and unwavering. Otherwise it confuses me and we walk away with completely different understandings. Many of you have noted his wishy-washy-ness in his posts and have also become frustrated by it as well.

The truth is that within about 12 hours of SM telling me he wanted to dump Bill and I agreed, SM was asking me if we could make it work again. I was getting a green light, a yellow light, and a stop light from SM all at the same time. I’m sure many of you can relate to these mixed feelings. The green light is SM’s sexual side wanting to see me well pleased which is an incredible turn on to him. The red light was his jealously and fear of my closeness to Bill. The yellow light was just the mix of those feelings but also an honest and thoughtful potential path for us to see if we could work it out in a way that would make everyone really happy.

And I think for someone like me, with few friends and being such a hard driver in life that I’m typically not someone that people like (even though I’m respected), so finding someone who likes me in spite of my nature is also relevant to my desire to keep Bill in the game. Finding someone who likes to sleep with me is easy, finding someone that I connect with and like and want to get to know and really wants to get to know me is much harder. Plus, let’s get real here, Bill fucks me like no other. I am dominant outside of the bedroom but absolutely love to be forced into submission between the sheets. Bill gets that and is relentless in his pursuit of that objective.

SM knows that I’m sensitive and annoyed at his indecision from my first BF, Alan. There were many times that I told SM that I’m not calling Alan anymore because of the red light/green light/yellow light we had with him. While I appreciate the shades of nuance in these types of relationships and the feelings involved, I’m not a mind reader. And honestly SM would have found issue in either direction I would have gone in with Alan (i.e. going on a date or not going on a date would have equally upset him). In fact, SM always brings up the time that I told him “I’m going out to see Alan, love you, bye...” and SM insisted “No way!” I did it anyway and SM knew - I just walked right out of the house. When I got back home, SM was so happy and thrilled, even though it terrified him, that he still talks about that night 9 years later. (I know, you’re thinking a Cuck-variation here)

In the days leading up to me meeting Bill at the bookstore (my recent transgression), SM and I were actively negotiating re-starting with Bill. I wanted to see Bill and let him know where we were. In truth I missed him and asked him to hang on as SM and I work though this. It was an absolute disastrous mistake on my part. I feel like we were in the red zone but because of me, the next pass was intercepted and run back for a touchdown by the other team. I have apologized to SM repeatedly, but I’ve also tried to justify/rationalize my actions. I’ve been burned at the stake, and rightfully so, by many of the members on this site. That’s one reason why I’ve been reluctant to post here. I can literally feel the heat from many of you! I do sincerely appreciate you sticking up for SM but I caution you that many of you don’t fully understand the depth and strength of our relationship and I hope that you’ll stop saying things that invoke the D word. It’s truly hurtful and not helpful. While I don’t want to respond to specific people and their comments - there’s not enough time in the day for me to do that - I do want to thank the thoughtful people who have really busted out some great logic and responses and plans for us. Online, it’s really hard to get to know someone and judgements are made without fully understanding the nuances that each relationship has. I’m not mad about it, it’s just the reality of the anonymous blog situation.

In addition, while SM is being fair in his posts, many times he neglects to tell you that he does really want to bring Bill back too.... I’m not 100% sure if it’s part of his negotiation to get me back to HWing or if he really means it. I think he’s more than a little conflicted. He’s going to have to figure that out. I do think he is negotiating in good faith to move forward with Bill especially after they spoke for 45 minutes on the phone on Wednesday. He understands Bill’s situation better (it’s just not coming from me) and he understands better what Bill wants from me.

Have there been some dramatic discussion between SM and I? Yes. We are in active discussions. Nothing’s been decided. Just like SM goes through and asks you guys every question and thought that pops in his head, he does the same with me. And we’ve talked about a lot, had disagreements and are ultimately trying to make our way back to good. But it’s easily in sight. Many of you have suggested we take a break and focus on us. I don’t disagree with that thought process at all. I’ve certainly offered that as an option to SM. The problem is, as you’ve seen, SM does want to make this work and he’s put a significant amount of effort into it to speed it along. Maybe too fast, but that’s just his personality type. He doesn’t like things to linger and like me, he wants what he wants. Honestly I believe all this attention on this is hurting our business and not allowing us to fully be present during family time. For those reasons and others, I have put more thought into my ability to be a pig so I can not let go of the other things that are important to me.

The other reason I haven’t posted is because at the beginning I was very busy being the “hardest working girl in hotwifery” - up to 4 rounds/day (on my great days), 100‘s of orgasms, 100’s of pictures, 3 HOT long videos, 1 mini-video, a voice recording, reclaiming, gym, shopping, sex talk, HW talk and much more. Literally while SM was on the HW forum every night, I was on AM, or on a date. But I got the Cliff Notes most times. I do appreciate many of you who have taken the time to give thoughtful consideration to our situation and offer advice. I know it’s helped us both. In truth, however, I have asked SM on multiple occasions to take a break. Literally (and you can verify by looking at his posts), he’s on it 24 hours a day. (He’s also posting a lot of it from his cell phone, hence the grammatical errors. It’s driven me crazy too because he’s a smart guy and knows how to write/spell.) But SM has always been focused on the meat of the issue and not on the presentation when it’s come to sharing his feelings here. Plus he’s actively using this forum to simply chronicle his thoughts and our story real time.) You are getting a “play by play” live game analysis which I think is a little overkill personally. I’d prefer that he limit himself to a daily summary - just a highlight reel. He’s as addicted to this forum now as he is to me. His feelings and my feelings are continuously evolving as we work to figure this out. My worry is that you are hearing every single thought and conversation and even though it has been a window into everything some of our discussions are just thoughts about things as we work through them and not final decisions.

After reading the wide variation of posts on this site (since he started in January) SM comes to me with exploring more extreme scenarios than you can imagine based on this feedback which has been hard for me to process. It’s honestly overwhelming and sometimes more than a little distracting and confusing. Sometimes I know he doesn’t even know what he wants let alone what he wants me to do.

SM does want to explore and he asks himself all the time about identifying with HW/Poly/Cuck/Open Marriage/And Other Variations. Who knows what we all are decisively, except developing and growing sexual beings who are honest enough with ourselves to challenge our imprints and embrace/explore our desires. Everyday we get to know ourselves better and our sexuality and preferences may change. Many people are so emotionally tied to these ideals and what we think they mean out of fear or wanting/not wanting to identify with something. SM wants to be HWH because he is an Alpha in the boardroom. But there are so many variations on the continuum it may be dangerous to just pick one even though it feels good (and sounds good to say “Alpha”) to identify yourself within a certain group - there’s security in it. But even he has questioned it openly with you guys. I think it’s hard for him to see himself as anything other than a HWH because he’s a very successful and in control man in life as well. When you are in a significant power position in life, it’s hard to see yourself/admit to yourself anything other than Alpha. He also needs to be number one and has a problem with Poly. I’m not saying that he’s Cuck or Poly but he’s on the edge of the HW continuum for sure. It’s tough to get advice from someone on one end of the spectrum of HW when you might be on the other - i.e. the divorce talk.

For me, I like black and white and I wish he could find something and stick it instead of questioning constantly. SM operates well in the grey and he is always questioning and seeking to broaden his self-understanding and horizons (that’s how he’s wired). But it can be very confusing and frustrating for me. And I’ll admit that as many of you have suggested, I may be somewhere between the HW and Poly continuum. Hence some of our issues.

SM’s personality type is to constantly challenge himself, his resolve, handle his jealously so it can bring him ultimate joy, etc., which when accomplished brings him much pleasure when he conquers it and goes to the next level. SM is also a bit of a Peacock and Showboat - he wants to be the best at everything he does - those are his character traits. He was certainly encouraged by many on this forum which he loved. He also loves to show me off and has done so more than I ever wanted and has since taken down pictures of me - thank you to the moderators.

I get the strong impression that many on this site are thought to be fakes and are called out on their potential fakeness and lack of knowledge/experience continuously. It gets a little catty and that’s sad and not constructive. But to make sure you are all aware that SM and I are not fake, he’s really gone all out and maybe given a little too much IMHO to satisfy others on this site. I’ve personally never posted to blogs before but I (obviously) have a lot to express. I want to be thoughtful and considerate in this post and it takes me some time to put those thoughts together in a cohesive way. Thank you to those who are still reading.

This is a very nuanced situation that SM and I share and I’m sure most you share with your significant other. I sincerely hope you give us some time to figure this out in a way that works for our particular situation and history and sexual preference. Just like everything else, it will develop and change all the time. The one thing I want to conclude on is while I’ve made plenty of mistakes and haven’t been honest with SM, I do love him more than anything. My family is the most important thing to me. I want to find a way to make it work for both of us. I’m confident we can. Thanks again to you all for your guidance and feedback.

~ Samantha

[mundyman]

Sam
Thanks for sharing. What a great post, honest, insightfull, and very interesting. What a greater understanding I have of you and SM. The connection and love you and SM have for each other comes through in each of your writings. As well, the take no prisoner approach to life, and a certain stubbornness, even over self assuredness comes through as well. To me that's where some of the difficulty comes in.

Keep working together, keep communicating. Whatever you two decide I'm sure it will be what is best for you two. Again my best wishes and thoughts to you and SM. I hope those who read and respond on this board react with maturity and appropriately to you.

[seductionrules]

Samantha

Thank you for coming on and telling us your side of the story.
I think this adds the perspective that was missing.
It all seems to make more sense now.
Don't worry no-one here will burn you at the stake.

It seems like you are determined to sort it out and are doing it the right way.

Best wishes

Mr. SR

[HowardRoarke]

Really good to have you here, Samantha.

I admire both the deep focus clarity of your well-considered post and the often frustrating, always unblinking, chronicle-it-as-I-go approach of your husband.

After reading your post (which I would add to that handful of posting on this site which ought to be considered essential reading for people considering entering the HW lifestyle) it's easy for me to see how well you and SM "fit" together.

Oh, and did I mention it's really good to have you here, Samantha?

(Still praying for the both of you)

HR

[viking53]

Samantha, thanks for putting major time and effort into your post. I think it is probably the best written, clearest and most insightful post I have read on this site. It really filled in so many gaps from SMs posts. With the thought and clarity you show of the whole situation, and the love you both have that shines through so strongly, I hope and believe you will be able to find the solution that suits you both. You sound like someone who would be really interesting to get to know as a person (not just as a HW).

Jan

[tellmeall]

Welcome!
Thank you for sharing your side of the story.

[WantMore]

ENTJ, less then 3% of the population. Very rare! A born leader. Look up her traits everyone, maybe that will help you understand that you are a natural Boss! ENTJ= A natural CEO leader type!

INFJ here. Im even more rare than you. Less then 1% of the population. Thats why I never fit in and are the wierd poster. INFJ= odd man out!

My next huge question? What is SM? I think he is your polar opposite ISFP or IN sonething! This will really help us know what were dealing with!

Thanks for posting your book! Incredible!!!

[WantMore]

ENTJ, less then 3% of the population. Very rare! A born leader. Look up her traits everyone, maybe that will help you understand that you are a natural Boss! ENTJ= A natural CEO leader type!

INFJ here. Im even more rare than you. Less then 1% of the population. Thats why I never fit in and are the wierd poster. INFJ= odd man out!

My next huge question? What is SM? I think he is your polar opposite ISFP or IN sonething! This will really help us know what were dealing with!

Thanks for posting your book! Incredible!!!

Interesting enough, we are both ENTJ!
Long before we even dated we were both attending a meeting in which we were both tested. When I saw her and her result, I thought "what an interesting women". I got to know her better professionally and became intrigued. I knew I had to have her

This is why we completely understand each other and both complement and conflict.

I would have never guessed you guys match!

We have a true power couple. Or such as here THE CLASH OF THE TITANS! lol.

To get even more interesting, what is your birth dates, year excluded? Or at least your bitth signs?

I can understand how Bill touches her submissive side. Sam prolly touches your submissive side but where does that leave her? She prolly needs Bill to feel complete. Since your personalities match I can understand why she feels she needs others and with Bill being able to touch her were you cant makes her feel alive!

You guys Have to work it out! She has the ability to handle this! Once she finds her groove she will complement you like you need. Time is the factor of success!

By the way, I only post on my cell. I dont want ohw evidence on my laptops. I wish people would understand many of us use cells. We are gonna have misspellings! Who cares! Apparently many cause too many have picked on you for that!

Anyway, good luck guys! Patience and communication is the virtue!

Im a fan of the both of ya!

Edit.. Im a fan of the three of ya, lol

[agawim]

Hi Sam,

Thank you for joining and sharing your side of the story, I have only one question at this point in time.

If you are so devoted and in love with your husband etc. why are you not capable of telling him you will not lie again so you can start to rebuild your trust?

It can be that you are a compulsive liar of course, in that case it makes sense that you cannot commit to honesty. If you are not suffering from a psychological condition however, telling a lie is a consious decision.

I am very curious to your answer as well as many others on here I am sure.

Wim

[WantMore]

Look up 16 personalities on your phone or web. It is pretty good for quick comparisions.

If your willing to look up an ENTJ much of the confussing stuff makes since.

I use personality traits often to better understand people around me both personal and business.

When she said ENTJ this whole dam thing made my head flip like a turbo pancake! When they said they match, I thought oh no! Bill is a requirement, not a wish or luxury.

[Artimas]

Clears up a lot of things, thanks Sam

[randyrexxx]

S and SM:

You've provided a brave and rare expose on the reality of sex in our age. As a fellow 2%er (INTJ, CEO, MBA, Founder, college speaker, 1st or nothing) I've lived through a similar experience in which I finally pulled the plug, but for reasons all disassociated with HW and open marriage. I thank you both for sharing your blunt, inner thoughts and in hopes it may be helpful, would suggest a couple of books you may find compelling:

1) Hold Me Tight; Sue Johnson
2) Anything by John Gottman, his wife, or Daniel Siegel

These first two relate to relationships, sharing, daring to dare, and emotionally focused intimacy - and may provide insight as to WHY you lied, WHY he doesn't share with you, and how to get past both.

3) Mating in Captivity; Esther Perle
4) Sex At Dawn; Christopher Ryan

These last two strip back the agrarian, Victorian, cork-up-the-ass view of what's "supposed to be" regarding sexuality, behavior, and opposites. They discuss what humans really are versus what society, control mechanisms, religion, and "history" claim we're "supposed" to be. And just like most truths in life, the reality is the polar opposite of the perception (life insurance is death insurance, I'm from the government and I'm here to help you, the check is in the mail, I won't cum in your mouth, there's no way i'll get pregnant!).

And, selfishly, I lament the removal of your photos. Snicker.

As my father told me: "Communicate, communicate, communicate." For an INTJ that doesn't suffer foolishness, repetitiveness, or stupidity at all, this can be a frustrating thing since SO MANY have a hard time "getting it". If you two genuinely have THE connection, please make sure you both try your hardest so that, if it comes to it and you have to split, you'll be able to live with yourselves knowing you did TRY.

Best of luck,

Randy

[Mr1SexyGILF]

What a refreshing overview of your side of the Samantha/Samanthasman adventure. Thank You for taking so much time from your busy schedule to fill in a few blanks. I have to say there is not a single surprise to me in your detailed recount. I have not posted on the Kill Bill thread as there seems to be no shortage of advice there.

I have to say that I understand your position much more than SM's (whatever that happens to be today - no make that whatever that happens to be this hour). I am going to encourage you to hold firm on your position. I believe you two will be just fine, that SM will enjoy the ride far more than he can imagine, and we know how much you will enjoy his gift of freedom. Just my two cents.

Thank You again to both of you for sharing this adventure with us. Remember to keep it fun for SM. I will be anxiously following your story to see how soon SM gives you the green light to continue your affair on your terms.

Mr GILF

[Morgan]

Hi Samantha, although it’s a fool’s game to try and get in the heads of people that you have met only online you and SM have certainly provided a lot of data.
I am one of the members frustrated by SM’s postings. I followed for a time but now only drop in occasionally. I’m not an expert in these things. My wife and I had our time decades ago. I’m a lurker I guess but not quiet one.
I've noticed that a ‘comfort zone’ isn't particularly common among the majority of the husbands who have encouraged their wives’ to play. In other threads I’ve commented that the experience for the husband is like putting a live wire between their teeth, and as time goes on they bite harder and harder.
One of the classic male traits is letting their little head do the thinking. Women have a little head as well, and a woman who describes herself as having some male traits could just as easily be influenced. Especially a dominate, intelligent beauty who doesn’t suffer fools, boredom or girly coyness, and meets a man like Bill.
In the kill Bill thread you are described as not being able to guarantee that you will not fall back into his embrace, so what.
How many men could resist you or Jane, Mrs Reese or Ares, to name a few. I know I couldn't. I would like to credit the wag on here but I forget who it was that stated, “I would be delighted to disappoint any of you in bed.”
I am kind of rambling here so I will get to the point.
You have done just what your husband wanted.
He will not commit to ceasing.
He wants to have his cake and eat it too.
He’s going to drive you both crazy.
No offence but SM is perfectly described in a line by a long dead Canadian humorist named Stephen Leacock. The line, modestly altered is, “he flung himself upon his horse and rode madly off in all directions.”

[wittol]

Wow. I find lots of people on this board interesting and compelling, but I think this may be the first time that I've really wished I could get to know a couple personally. Both of you write so well, and are so astonishingly expressive about things that are difficult to articulate.

Lovely to hear from you, Samantha, I hope you'll be a regular!

[Fotodom]

WHOOT! WHOOT! Another Wife ripe to join the Verified ranks!

Aw, you just want to play with all the girls...

[hotwifetrained]

WHOOT! WHOOT! Another Wife ripe to join the Verified ranks! Instructions for becoming verified are here: http://ourhotwives.org/forum/viewtopic.php?f=5&t=23464

It's easy and sweet to be verified 'cause then you can get great advice and share your own knowledge with other Verified HW's that is sometimes difficult to share in the view of the general public. Plus we have our own ladies only spot where we can pick on the men of this site and call them all sissy-weiners and really mature stuff like that. Well, OK, maybe scratch that last sentence, I'm just teasin. But sometimes it really is nice to get that "Female Perspective."

This. But not holding my breath on that happening.

Would you like to bet $1,000,000???

Before we verify this bet, I would like to make sure I understand your position. Are you saying Samantha wouldn't join the forum for the ladies?

[zorro]

Welcome to Samantha. As one who has avidly followed SM's postings, I have to thank you for putting in context some of the other historical factors that SM omitted. Such as the long-term relationship with Alan. And SM's desire for you to pick up again with someone else after a year's break. And his prior head-spinning conflictedness about your visits with Alan have definitely been echoed in the relationship with Bill.

As I listen to your own assessments of your personalities, you both sound like people who are most comfortable when you feel in control and in charge. Somehow you have managed to get along fabulously.

But when you venture into HW, you are likely triggering SM's internal conflicts. One part of him wants you to be a tremendously sexual woman (just as we HW hubbies want for the women we love), but another part of him wants something else. The question is what this other part wants and what this other part is. I have my hunches: it comes out in the pieces when SM says he doesn't want to be a cuck. Each of you have issues around control. SM wants you to have hot sex, but when you insist on doing it on your own terms, he freaks. He may feel that letting you have this your way diminishes him, his manliness, and his hold on you. He may feel that if he is less in control, you will leave him. If he thinks you will not respect him if he is less in control (because he struggles to respect himself when you have your way), then he will try to rein you back in.

And you have done things to trigger this response in him. As you say, you like black and white. When SM tells you to have lots of sex with Bill and other men, you take it as a green light (of course). And when he sees the power of your sexuality, it threatens him with feeling weak and vulnerable -- and perhaps helpless. If he cannot tolerate those feelings, he will feel compeled to pull you back. And you wind up whipsawed.

It does not help that you are more poly than SM. I am more poly than R. But we work with it to find a solution that works for both of us, so we can both be happy.

The key to your relationship with SM may be that you may both need to give up some control to make this work. SM may need to let you continue with Bill without any callbacks (of you) for a month or so. And you may need to allow SM to meet with Bill. A paramour's meeting a lover can be very calming, since a real person triggers fewer fears than one's imagination. And you may need to let SM be present while you make love to Bill sometimes -- even if to watch if not to participate. It's a part of give and take, something alphas are not very comfortable with, but something you will both need to do to make this work.

I am not your therapist, but I curiously enough find I care about both of you. And I wish you find a stable solution that gives you both all you need. SM is struggling with mistrust, so you (and he) need to find ways to reduce it, the best you can. And SM needs to learn about his internal dynamics so he can be at peace and let you be in peace.

My best to both of you.

[john jasson]

This is what always saddens me.

Specifically for years SM would say “Go make a date!”, then 1 minute after I’d do so, he’d say “Go cancel your date!”.

I read the equivalent so often in so many threads that I truly despair. Many of these men have fought tooth and nail against their wives' instincts in lots of cases to have their ladies do this, and the minute they reach the promised land they bottle it. I just can't understand it. Whenever my wife is with a lover I just find it so hot. She returns glowing and there is no threat to our love or our connection whatsoever.

I understand that not everybody is wired the same and I appreciate that it is difficult for some to control feelings of jealousy, but surely when a man considers himself alpha AND he has been cheerleading her to get into this situation, the least he can do is support her and not flake on her. Stop go stop go just seems so weak.

Samantha sounds solid enough to me after reading her story with Sman going back so many years. Their connection seems like a strong and wonderful thing. Yet some would suggest divorce papers. Amazing.

[a_unique_being]

Hey Sam

Thanks for this insightful post. I , like many here, want to encourage you to continue to post your thoughts and feelings about your journey.

[Fotodom]

here's what I understand from the thread(s) so far, and where your relationship is at:

Sex with Bill is OK but only if the number of holes penetrated is equal to the number of kisses divided by the number of encounters in any month not starting with a 'J', multiplied by slurping noises made while giving oral. Whereupon if you take the first derivative of that equation, exponentially divided by the gut level # of jealousy pangs subtracted from the # of Sam-Moans of pleasure after which, of course, you plug that all into the quadratic equation factored by the average number of meetings that occurred on an even numbered day, multiplied by the phase of the moon, multiplied by PI (notice that's not even the GOOD kind of Pie), taking that result and multiplying it by 85%, only to finally realize that you forgot to factor in the number of times Sam sucked his finger, so that we need to start the whole f'ing computation all over again.

Does that sound about right?

Ares, you are about the wittiest person on here, and certainly one of the sexiest and most beautiful, and you also possess uncommonly good common sense.

I think I love you.

Take a hike bud, I'm on this.



Seriously, she is amazing. I bet she and Sam would get along great.

[john jasson]

Thanks SM. All I can say is that after experiencing the extreme pleasure which you both obviously have, it would be like a burger without the cheese, onions and sauce to just leave it. I hope you both find a way.

[zorro]

Samantha read these blogs, allowed me to talk the Bill, and opened up about her feelings. All constructive things that should have happened all along.

Yay!!!

Give Sam time, SM. You are headed back on track.

[old folks]

Just my thought on this.

How is it that Samantha started this thred and then the following postings are from SM?

Does she not have a say in things or does SM take over for her?

Just my opinion but I heard what SM said on the other thread and would rather hear what Samantha has to say on here.

[hubbyshotwife]

i agree......samantha should try and post more here... would love to read more from her....i want to try and find more info from her and try and copy her in how she went about finding and fucking these hot men