Aching to lose her….
Posted: Fri Aug 04, 2017 3:21 pm
I love my wife - more than life itself. We both want and plan to grow old together, and we’re both unbreakably committed to doing so. That said, I get sexually aroused, to unspeakable heights when I lose her to another man - even for a brief while. It happens when she has a date to meet someone new, or has a play date. Obviously, I don’t really lose her – not in the permanent sense, but when she gives herself to another man, and when she does it willfully of her own accord, it creates the best of all worlds.
There are some specific things at play that are required to make it really amazing. As I said, she must have the true desire to be with the other male; it won’t work if only I want her to, or if she tacitly does, or has reservations or feels pushed. I try to enable and encourage it to an extent, but only if she’s receptive and wants to be my ‘partner in crime’. That means she must have true attraction and desire for the other male; there are no ‘good enough’ matches.
Second, we’re long past the stage where just emotionless sex does anything for me, and never did for her. Many women enjoy the chase, the feeling of being desired, the flirting, the entire process long before sex – including all the anticipation of preparing for a date. For my wife at least, romance is the only path to the bedroom and mind-blowing sex. When we started, it had been enough for me if she just had a casual, non-emotional physical encounter, but as I became more secure and confident that her being with another man was no threat whatsoever to our life commitment to one another, I began to truly appreciate her emotional needs and elements of her entanglements. This was a real awakening for me; just her passionate kissing another man became every bit as sexually arousing for me as watching them fuck.
Since I was very young I’ve had an unusually deep sense of empathy – being able to put myself into other people’s shoes figuratively speaking. I'm not certain, but I am likely a mild type of empath; I have an amplified, sensitive, and innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive emotions or others, even the physical sensitivities, especially of my partner. Those that process the feelings of others and absorb their energy really feel, and in many cases, take on their emotions and internalize them intensely. For me, that impact is powerful, but I am selective with whom I choose to feel and absorb those things. It can be debilitating for others.
So why bring all of that up? It has to do with the ability to feel and enjoy what I like to call erotic compersion. I’m careful to now prefix compersion with erotic because I believe it is a unique form of compersion different than the traditional definition of the term being limited to only emotional transference, and not to sexual transference and arousal, which is felt predominantly by males in this lifestyle.
When someone experiences erotic compersion, they are physically stimulated and sexually aroused by the feelings and actions of another. In no way does that remotely infer that a man who experiences and enjoys compersion through his wife indicate any particular sexual orientation or tendency in this lifestyle. In most cases, men who experience erotic compersion with their wives are perfectly straight, masculine, alpha men. They don’t desire to be female, nor are they secretly bi-sexual or homosexual - tough there is nothing wrong with any of those if they do, but those that do are in the minority. I just wanted to dispel that myth and worry many wives have from the get-go.
Coupled with this is jealousy. Jealousy isn’t one emotion – it is a catch-all term for variety of emotions when you break it down. Jealousy is comprised a variety of fears – insecurity, envy, competitiveness, inadequacy, possessiveness, fear of abandonment, feeling unloved and feeling left out and more. There is cognitive jealousy, and there is emotional jealousy. The emotional impacts of jealousy are commonly thought of as negative. These seemingly negative feelings include angst, disgust, despair, anger, chagrin, and distress among others. But there are positive impacts that are often completely overlooked. At the root of jealousy is fear, and fear is one of the most powerful motivating emotions we have as human beings. Fear is key to our survival. We respond to fear positively in most instances, and there are countless examples. Fear compels us to come up for air when we feel like we might drown, fear of going hungry or homeless motivates us to work and earn income to afford the basics to survive, we use it to avoid risk and danger, it results in a fight-or-flight response. Without fear, we’d just walk off cliffs and die. So, two of the most important positive emotional impacts then are motivation and excitement.
Fear motivates us to do great things. We can harness the energy fear elicits and enjoy the rush of many risky things like jumping off a high dive, driving a race car, jumping off a ski jump. The resulting adrenaline generated and the rush of conquering things we fear is satisfying, and often exhilarating. For example, many of us perform better when we have a little stage fright. Taking this to our relationships, sexual arousal is among these positive responses. Arousal?
Allow me to illustrate. When my wife chats, meets, or has sex with another man, I feel some of the components of jealousy. Among some of the most potent are angst, fear of losing her to another, fear of being left out, and competitiveness. I’ve learned not to suppress those emotions, but embrace them with ever growing intensity. They are powerful feelings that can be channeled and transformed into intense sexual arousal and stimulation.
How did I come to recognize it? When I was 17, my HS girlfriend’s family moved to another state hundreds of miles away. I was devastated. I was genuinely in love with the girl and she was my first steady lover; we had sex like rabbits. I was heartbroken for many years following that loss. We didn’t break-up, not initially anyway. Not more than a few months later we saw each other again, she confessed that she had sex with another guy she had met. It was crushing, not only to my ego, but to my heart; real love never fades. Why share this with you? No, I am not dumping emotionally but am about to make a key point.
It took years, but it all came back with clarity after I had suppressed it for so long. As my unfaithful girlfriend admitted her infidelity, my cock became instantly erect. I was rock hard – harder than I think I had ever been as I made her describe her infraction. I couldn't explain the erection - how could I be so emotionally hurt while at the same time, be so hard in response and want sex so bad? And we did proceed to have sex; it tuned out to be the most incredible sex I had ever experienced up to that point in my life. That confused me deeply at the time.
Years later I learned that what I had done was to reclaim the girl after having lost her to another male. Her full and graphic admission caused my alpha side come out – big time. I am a naturally sexually dominant, but not sexually aggressive. I’ve learned that some of the emotions of jealousy bring out the sexually assertive/aggressive side of me quickly. If my wife doesn’t think that I am initiating sex often enough, or not being sexually assertive, I’ve told her all she needs to do is stoke my jealousy, even just a little. Simply telling me that some guy eyed in the supermarket or came onto her, even subtly, makes me want to jump her and breed her. I’ve read a good deal of literature on theory as to what causes such a response – almost exclusively in men. The theory of sperm competition delves into that deeply (excuse the pun), and is a worthy evolutionary theory I won’t cover here, but it is more than worth a web search if you haven’t already.
I've also recognized the empath in me over time and have learned to control it. My skills to take the angst and distress that her jealousy-inducing behavior elicits in me has grown over time. I now embrace it, and allow it to arouse me sexually. Many males typically behave exactly the opposite; they channel jealousy to anger, resentment, and many other negative responses. Wow, they are missing out! Men who catch another man hitting on their wife might not even recognize that their anger obfuscates their sexual arousal; they are in sub-conscious denial. It is often said men think with their dicks, and they do – we’re biologically programmed to always be ready to breed a female when she is ready. The problem is, dicks sometime fail to communicate back to the brain; it’s a golden barometer if they'd only stop for a moment and recognize it.
For those of us that enjoy such deep empathy, and thus experience the sexual pleasure of our wives vicariously through them, we get the gift of compersion. As we gain more and more security in ourselves and develop deep trust in our women, we begin to extend the physical arousal and transference into ever more intense sexual stimulation. Our desire and appreciation for our wives only grows. No other woman can compete with that – which explains why most hotwife/cuckold husbands want no other woman but their wife. That’s a difficult concept for many wives to comprehend because it seems counter-intuitive at first. But when the wife learns he can only get aroused to that which he can lose, how can he achieve the same with some other woman not his to lose? Our hotwife/cuckoldress becomes the goddess of our dreams; we worship them.
I often say I am not a jealous husband. Actually, I strive to be one. In fact, I want to feel as much intense jealousy as my wife can instill in me because it now elicits only positive sexual energy and response. That comes from absolute faith and trust in her and us. In fact, absolute faith and trust makes her task much harder – she must be convincing that she has powerful desires for the other male when she gets involved with one. I want her to have the most genuine and intense sexual and emotional affair possible. As long there is never any deception between us and we remain fully open with full disclosure, there exists is no relational risk whatsoever.
So, I welcome and crave to feel the angst of her infidelity and one-way non-monogamy. I revel and want to drown in her physical and emotional desires for another man. I don’t obsess over it, and it doesn’t dominate our lives – we’ve learned how to make it a normal part of our lives and relationship; it not a requirement of our love or sexual lives, but has become a wonderful relationship and sexual enhancer.
What’s in it for her? She gets the best of all worlds. She has my undying commitment of lifetime fidelity, security, trust, faith, and openness. She gets to break free of societal conditioning and is free to feel, enjoy, and express her true sexual power. She can enjoy the excitement of being desired and worshiped physically and emotionally by me and her lover, and carry no guilt about it whatsoever. She doesn’t need to control nor be controlled; she makes her own decisions, grows independently and with me as a couple, and becomes the total woman she deserves and was meant to be.
We’re at a great place now; we’ve learned from experience and introspection. I now know we can take it to even higher levels. I recall the loss of my first love again; even after the reclamation sex and break-up, I was hard for months knowing she now belonged to another. My current desires are not a result of damage from that early trauma – it served as sexual and emotional awakening over which I was I denial for decades until I unearthed and faced them directly.
I’ve asked myself if I would ever want to experience such loss again given the incredible sexual response it elicited in me. The answer is….never - not for real that is. But as I've begun to pondered the notion, I realized the pinnacle for me is when I lose my wife, temporarily at least. It generates the same potent feelings. In fact, the more she can convince me that I am losing her, the more potent. To that end we had to come up with safe phrases to manage it such as “Dial it back” if I ever want her to let up or “Bring it on” if she wonders if it’s OK to provoke me even more and dial up the intensity. I want her to be convincing that I risk losing her to him – whether for the moment, the night, the weekend, or longer. Heck, she’d have me in heaven if she could convince me that he owns her and is planning to leave me for him. Internally, I know that is virtually impossible; we both know the depth of our commitment and she is well informed and knows all there is to know about the risks and pitfalls of New Relationship Exuberance (NRE) syndrome. God help the poor bastard that ever did try to take her away from me as she’d be the one to bury him. And, she knows if her happiness really did lie elsewhere that I’d let her go because her happiness what matters most to me, which is a true sign of selfless love. After all, who wants a hostage for a life partner?
So, take all of this for what it’s worth – just my own thought insights about myself after years of introspection and wanting to understand why I’ve come to enjoy this lifestyle and what drives my desires. Maybe none of this applies to your own motivation or situation, but if it is useful to a few of you then it was worth the time to share.
TriangleTangle
There are some specific things at play that are required to make it really amazing. As I said, she must have the true desire to be with the other male; it won’t work if only I want her to, or if she tacitly does, or has reservations or feels pushed. I try to enable and encourage it to an extent, but only if she’s receptive and wants to be my ‘partner in crime’. That means she must have true attraction and desire for the other male; there are no ‘good enough’ matches.
Second, we’re long past the stage where just emotionless sex does anything for me, and never did for her. Many women enjoy the chase, the feeling of being desired, the flirting, the entire process long before sex – including all the anticipation of preparing for a date. For my wife at least, romance is the only path to the bedroom and mind-blowing sex. When we started, it had been enough for me if she just had a casual, non-emotional physical encounter, but as I became more secure and confident that her being with another man was no threat whatsoever to our life commitment to one another, I began to truly appreciate her emotional needs and elements of her entanglements. This was a real awakening for me; just her passionate kissing another man became every bit as sexually arousing for me as watching them fuck.
Since I was very young I’ve had an unusually deep sense of empathy – being able to put myself into other people’s shoes figuratively speaking. I'm not certain, but I am likely a mild type of empath; I have an amplified, sensitive, and innate ability to intuitively feel and perceive emotions or others, even the physical sensitivities, especially of my partner. Those that process the feelings of others and absorb their energy really feel, and in many cases, take on their emotions and internalize them intensely. For me, that impact is powerful, but I am selective with whom I choose to feel and absorb those things. It can be debilitating for others.
So why bring all of that up? It has to do with the ability to feel and enjoy what I like to call erotic compersion. I’m careful to now prefix compersion with erotic because I believe it is a unique form of compersion different than the traditional definition of the term being limited to only emotional transference, and not to sexual transference and arousal, which is felt predominantly by males in this lifestyle.
When someone experiences erotic compersion, they are physically stimulated and sexually aroused by the feelings and actions of another. In no way does that remotely infer that a man who experiences and enjoys compersion through his wife indicate any particular sexual orientation or tendency in this lifestyle. In most cases, men who experience erotic compersion with their wives are perfectly straight, masculine, alpha men. They don’t desire to be female, nor are they secretly bi-sexual or homosexual - tough there is nothing wrong with any of those if they do, but those that do are in the minority. I just wanted to dispel that myth and worry many wives have from the get-go.
Coupled with this is jealousy. Jealousy isn’t one emotion – it is a catch-all term for variety of emotions when you break it down. Jealousy is comprised a variety of fears – insecurity, envy, competitiveness, inadequacy, possessiveness, fear of abandonment, feeling unloved and feeling left out and more. There is cognitive jealousy, and there is emotional jealousy. The emotional impacts of jealousy are commonly thought of as negative. These seemingly negative feelings include angst, disgust, despair, anger, chagrin, and distress among others. But there are positive impacts that are often completely overlooked. At the root of jealousy is fear, and fear is one of the most powerful motivating emotions we have as human beings. Fear is key to our survival. We respond to fear positively in most instances, and there are countless examples. Fear compels us to come up for air when we feel like we might drown, fear of going hungry or homeless motivates us to work and earn income to afford the basics to survive, we use it to avoid risk and danger, it results in a fight-or-flight response. Without fear, we’d just walk off cliffs and die. So, two of the most important positive emotional impacts then are motivation and excitement.
Fear motivates us to do great things. We can harness the energy fear elicits and enjoy the rush of many risky things like jumping off a high dive, driving a race car, jumping off a ski jump. The resulting adrenaline generated and the rush of conquering things we fear is satisfying, and often exhilarating. For example, many of us perform better when we have a little stage fright. Taking this to our relationships, sexual arousal is among these positive responses. Arousal?
Allow me to illustrate. When my wife chats, meets, or has sex with another man, I feel some of the components of jealousy. Among some of the most potent are angst, fear of losing her to another, fear of being left out, and competitiveness. I’ve learned not to suppress those emotions, but embrace them with ever growing intensity. They are powerful feelings that can be channeled and transformed into intense sexual arousal and stimulation.
How did I come to recognize it? When I was 17, my HS girlfriend’s family moved to another state hundreds of miles away. I was devastated. I was genuinely in love with the girl and she was my first steady lover; we had sex like rabbits. I was heartbroken for many years following that loss. We didn’t break-up, not initially anyway. Not more than a few months later we saw each other again, she confessed that she had sex with another guy she had met. It was crushing, not only to my ego, but to my heart; real love never fades. Why share this with you? No, I am not dumping emotionally but am about to make a key point.
It took years, but it all came back with clarity after I had suppressed it for so long. As my unfaithful girlfriend admitted her infidelity, my cock became instantly erect. I was rock hard – harder than I think I had ever been as I made her describe her infraction. I couldn't explain the erection - how could I be so emotionally hurt while at the same time, be so hard in response and want sex so bad? And we did proceed to have sex; it tuned out to be the most incredible sex I had ever experienced up to that point in my life. That confused me deeply at the time.
Years later I learned that what I had done was to reclaim the girl after having lost her to another male. Her full and graphic admission caused my alpha side come out – big time. I am a naturally sexually dominant, but not sexually aggressive. I’ve learned that some of the emotions of jealousy bring out the sexually assertive/aggressive side of me quickly. If my wife doesn’t think that I am initiating sex often enough, or not being sexually assertive, I’ve told her all she needs to do is stoke my jealousy, even just a little. Simply telling me that some guy eyed in the supermarket or came onto her, even subtly, makes me want to jump her and breed her. I’ve read a good deal of literature on theory as to what causes such a response – almost exclusively in men. The theory of sperm competition delves into that deeply (excuse the pun), and is a worthy evolutionary theory I won’t cover here, but it is more than worth a web search if you haven’t already.
I've also recognized the empath in me over time and have learned to control it. My skills to take the angst and distress that her jealousy-inducing behavior elicits in me has grown over time. I now embrace it, and allow it to arouse me sexually. Many males typically behave exactly the opposite; they channel jealousy to anger, resentment, and many other negative responses. Wow, they are missing out! Men who catch another man hitting on their wife might not even recognize that their anger obfuscates their sexual arousal; they are in sub-conscious denial. It is often said men think with their dicks, and they do – we’re biologically programmed to always be ready to breed a female when she is ready. The problem is, dicks sometime fail to communicate back to the brain; it’s a golden barometer if they'd only stop for a moment and recognize it.
For those of us that enjoy such deep empathy, and thus experience the sexual pleasure of our wives vicariously through them, we get the gift of compersion. As we gain more and more security in ourselves and develop deep trust in our women, we begin to extend the physical arousal and transference into ever more intense sexual stimulation. Our desire and appreciation for our wives only grows. No other woman can compete with that – which explains why most hotwife/cuckold husbands want no other woman but their wife. That’s a difficult concept for many wives to comprehend because it seems counter-intuitive at first. But when the wife learns he can only get aroused to that which he can lose, how can he achieve the same with some other woman not his to lose? Our hotwife/cuckoldress becomes the goddess of our dreams; we worship them.
I often say I am not a jealous husband. Actually, I strive to be one. In fact, I want to feel as much intense jealousy as my wife can instill in me because it now elicits only positive sexual energy and response. That comes from absolute faith and trust in her and us. In fact, absolute faith and trust makes her task much harder – she must be convincing that she has powerful desires for the other male when she gets involved with one. I want her to have the most genuine and intense sexual and emotional affair possible. As long there is never any deception between us and we remain fully open with full disclosure, there exists is no relational risk whatsoever.
So, I welcome and crave to feel the angst of her infidelity and one-way non-monogamy. I revel and want to drown in her physical and emotional desires for another man. I don’t obsess over it, and it doesn’t dominate our lives – we’ve learned how to make it a normal part of our lives and relationship; it not a requirement of our love or sexual lives, but has become a wonderful relationship and sexual enhancer.
What’s in it for her? She gets the best of all worlds. She has my undying commitment of lifetime fidelity, security, trust, faith, and openness. She gets to break free of societal conditioning and is free to feel, enjoy, and express her true sexual power. She can enjoy the excitement of being desired and worshiped physically and emotionally by me and her lover, and carry no guilt about it whatsoever. She doesn’t need to control nor be controlled; she makes her own decisions, grows independently and with me as a couple, and becomes the total woman she deserves and was meant to be.
We’re at a great place now; we’ve learned from experience and introspection. I now know we can take it to even higher levels. I recall the loss of my first love again; even after the reclamation sex and break-up, I was hard for months knowing she now belonged to another. My current desires are not a result of damage from that early trauma – it served as sexual and emotional awakening over which I was I denial for decades until I unearthed and faced them directly.
I’ve asked myself if I would ever want to experience such loss again given the incredible sexual response it elicited in me. The answer is….never - not for real that is. But as I've begun to pondered the notion, I realized the pinnacle for me is when I lose my wife, temporarily at least. It generates the same potent feelings. In fact, the more she can convince me that I am losing her, the more potent. To that end we had to come up with safe phrases to manage it such as “Dial it back” if I ever want her to let up or “Bring it on” if she wonders if it’s OK to provoke me even more and dial up the intensity. I want her to be convincing that I risk losing her to him – whether for the moment, the night, the weekend, or longer. Heck, she’d have me in heaven if she could convince me that he owns her and is planning to leave me for him. Internally, I know that is virtually impossible; we both know the depth of our commitment and she is well informed and knows all there is to know about the risks and pitfalls of New Relationship Exuberance (NRE) syndrome. God help the poor bastard that ever did try to take her away from me as she’d be the one to bury him. And, she knows if her happiness really did lie elsewhere that I’d let her go because her happiness what matters most to me, which is a true sign of selfless love. After all, who wants a hostage for a life partner?
So, take all of this for what it’s worth – just my own thought insights about myself after years of introspection and wanting to understand why I’ve come to enjoy this lifestyle and what drives my desires. Maybe none of this applies to your own motivation or situation, but if it is useful to a few of you then it was worth the time to share.
TriangleTangle