My wife has fallen in love with my best friend
Posted: Wed Jul 16, 2014 1:22 am
My lovely wife and I decided to open our marriage a number of years ago. Her first experiences were with a neighbor with whom she shared some exciting sexual adventures. Over the ensuing years she had experiences with a number of men. We went to some swing clubs together and had some positive connections with other couples. Over time we dropped out of the swinging scene but gave each other the freedom to date people on our own. For a number of years there was one particular man who my wife saw every couple of months. They are good friends, they have occasionally travelled together for short periods of time (three days max). There was definitely a romantic element to their relationship. While she sincerely cares for him as a friend and lover, it is nothing like the love we share in our marriage. But it is still the closest thing we have had to a "polyamory" situation - until this summer.
My best friend lives over a thousand miles from us. Because of the distance we did not see much of him and his wife, although they did visit us a couple of times over those years. During those brief visits it was always clear to me that my friend and my wife got along very well - they just had a really good connection. We would see him so rarely there was never any opportunity for anything to develop, but it was obvious enough to me that I used to tease my wife that he had a crush on her.
Two years ago we made the decision to buy a second home not far from my old home town. We take extended trips up there half a dozen or more times a year, usually for at least a couple of weeks at a time and longer during the summer. As a result we have been spending a lot of time with my friend and his wife - seems like we do things with them on a daily basis when we are there. It has been really nice.
As we spent more time together, I began to notice that the chemistry between my friend and my wife was really quite powerful. There was no denying that there was a strong mutual physical attraction, something she freely admitted to me. She always said that she would never act on it because he was my friend and she was also friends with his wife. But this summer it became clear that it had become far more than just a physical attraction. She spent a lot of time with him, sometimes when all four of us were there, sometimes when it was just him and I and her, on rare occasions just the two of them.
I know both of these wonderful people so very well. As I watched them interacting it became clear that something special was happening between the two of them. I was not the only one who noticed. Other family members and friends made some comments, all in good fun, which nevertheless reflected that the connection between the two of them was drawing attention.
I had to return two weeks earlier than planned this year due to a business crisis. We had a couple of important contractor projects going on at our place up there so my wife stayed to supervise how they were progressing. While she was there on her own, she ended up spending quite a bit of time with my friend. He helped her out with some of the house stuff, dropped by to visit and even took her to a fundraiser dinner that his wife could not attend. As my wife later explained, they just seemed to keep running into each other - although I think a more accurate description would be to say that they kept finding reasons to run into each other. Through all of these contacts he never made any overtures towards her, nor did she to him. But there was definitely a strong and growing unresolved attraction - strong enough that he began acting a bit awkwardly around her.
Even though I was many miles away I stayed in close contact with her by phone and email. All of my instincts were telling me that what was happening between the two of them was a big deal. I finally sent her a long email which was followed by several long and very candid phone conversations. The upshot of it all was that my wife told me that she has fallen in love with my friend. She said that she does not love me any less, that she wants us to be married for the rest of our lives - but that she now is in love with him too. I told her that in my heart I already knew.
It is ironic that during our marriage we have enjoyed other sexual partners, had the fun of "dating" people on our own and even enjoyed some very sweet romantic relationships. But she and I agree that this situation - where the two of them have never so much as held hands - is far more significant. This is not a case of lustful longing (although there is certainly an element of that) or youthful infatuation. She has truly fallen in love with him. I asked her "As a woman, do you think that he has fallen in love with you too?" She answered "Yes" without any hesitation. I know him so well that I had already come to that conclusion on my own - and can see that he is having a difficult time processing the situation.
My understanding of "polyamory" is that it is based on the fundamental principal that we are capable of loving more than one person at the same time. By that definition my wife is clearly in a polyamorous situation, even though their relationship has not been consummated or even discussed between them. I am also learning a lot about "compersion" in this process. When my wife told me that she had fallen in love with my best friend, I was not shocked or angry or jealous. Somewhat to my surprise I found myself happy for both of them. He is a great guy, the finest man I know. She is a wonderful woman, the absolute love of my life. Knowing them both so well, it is easy for me to see how he could fall in love with her and her with him. In fact, as I told her during our calls, if she was going to fall in love with someone else he would be the man I would choose for her.
Our quandary is not with the feelings they have discovered for each other. I could easily see myself supporting their embarking upon a full blown love affair, one which I suspect would be a life long and very joyous relationship. The problem is that he is married to a wonderful woman himself, a woman who has become a good friend of both ours. Although I believe their physical relationship has waned over the years, my friend still loves his wife very much. I fear that he is now having a hard time reconciling the fact that he has also fallen in love with my wife. I worry that it is eating him up inside. He loves my wife, he wants her, he can probably sense that she loves and wants him too. So he torments himself with guilt over the fact that he is married, has fallen in love with someone else AND that the woman he fell in love with is the wife of his best friend.
My wife and I are better situated to handle this situation because we have had other experiences (although nothing like this) and because we are able to talk so openly with each other about what is happening. For my friend, the entire idea of loving more than one person at the same time, that my wife might want him just as much as he wants her and that it would actually be fine with me - those concepts are totally outside his zone of experience. And my wife is having some guilt issues of her own, not towards me but rather because she is close friends with his wife. So my friend and my wife are independently wrestling with the question of how they handle the fact that they have fallen in love with each other.
It is a very difficult situation. It saddens me that something which should be so joyous for them - that rare and priceless experience of two people genuinely falling in love with one another - is actually now a source of stress and worry. They are simultaneously longing for each other yet feeling guilty about it at the same time - even though they have never even professed their feelings.
I want the best for everyone, but honestly don't know what path they should follow. I have told me wife that I think that things have progressed to the point where she needs to tell my friend how she is feeling about him. My preferred method of problem solving is communication, and when feelings are so sincere and strong they should be expressed. I felt it would lessen some of the tension between them and also give my friend someone to talk to about it - right now he has no one. My wife thinks that it is best not to say anything, at least not for now. She says she fears that it might actually put him in a more difficult situation if she admits her feelings for him. I wonder if part of her reluctance is the worry that if she opens the door between them that it will inevitably lead to them starting a passionate love affair which would be hard to stop. She is of course worried about his wife and the hurt she would suffer if they were discovered.
So I guess that is a very long winded prelude to the questions I was hoping to get some input on. Has anyone on this site ever been in a similar situation? Or know someone who has? Do you think that my wife should talk to him at some point or should she just keep avoiding the issue? It is so ironic that if he were single or unhappily married this would be a perfect situation for a genuine and very strong polyamorous relationship - I would be very supportive of the two of them having their own lifelong love affair. I am happy for both of them. But because he is already married to a wonderful woman who is also our friend, we worry that would be a terrible thing to do as it would probably be discovered at some point. And even if the three of us could conspire to keep it secret, there would be a lot of guilt all around.
Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read a story that sadly does not have lots of titillating sexual details like so many of the other posts on OHW. I guess it is pretty obvious that I needed to write all of this down to help myself process the fact that my wife and my best friend have fallen in love with each other. Any thoughts or reactions that any of you would care to share would be greatly appreciated.
My best friend lives over a thousand miles from us. Because of the distance we did not see much of him and his wife, although they did visit us a couple of times over those years. During those brief visits it was always clear to me that my friend and my wife got along very well - they just had a really good connection. We would see him so rarely there was never any opportunity for anything to develop, but it was obvious enough to me that I used to tease my wife that he had a crush on her.
Two years ago we made the decision to buy a second home not far from my old home town. We take extended trips up there half a dozen or more times a year, usually for at least a couple of weeks at a time and longer during the summer. As a result we have been spending a lot of time with my friend and his wife - seems like we do things with them on a daily basis when we are there. It has been really nice.
As we spent more time together, I began to notice that the chemistry between my friend and my wife was really quite powerful. There was no denying that there was a strong mutual physical attraction, something she freely admitted to me. She always said that she would never act on it because he was my friend and she was also friends with his wife. But this summer it became clear that it had become far more than just a physical attraction. She spent a lot of time with him, sometimes when all four of us were there, sometimes when it was just him and I and her, on rare occasions just the two of them.
I know both of these wonderful people so very well. As I watched them interacting it became clear that something special was happening between the two of them. I was not the only one who noticed. Other family members and friends made some comments, all in good fun, which nevertheless reflected that the connection between the two of them was drawing attention.
I had to return two weeks earlier than planned this year due to a business crisis. We had a couple of important contractor projects going on at our place up there so my wife stayed to supervise how they were progressing. While she was there on her own, she ended up spending quite a bit of time with my friend. He helped her out with some of the house stuff, dropped by to visit and even took her to a fundraiser dinner that his wife could not attend. As my wife later explained, they just seemed to keep running into each other - although I think a more accurate description would be to say that they kept finding reasons to run into each other. Through all of these contacts he never made any overtures towards her, nor did she to him. But there was definitely a strong and growing unresolved attraction - strong enough that he began acting a bit awkwardly around her.
Even though I was many miles away I stayed in close contact with her by phone and email. All of my instincts were telling me that what was happening between the two of them was a big deal. I finally sent her a long email which was followed by several long and very candid phone conversations. The upshot of it all was that my wife told me that she has fallen in love with my friend. She said that she does not love me any less, that she wants us to be married for the rest of our lives - but that she now is in love with him too. I told her that in my heart I already knew.
It is ironic that during our marriage we have enjoyed other sexual partners, had the fun of "dating" people on our own and even enjoyed some very sweet romantic relationships. But she and I agree that this situation - where the two of them have never so much as held hands - is far more significant. This is not a case of lustful longing (although there is certainly an element of that) or youthful infatuation. She has truly fallen in love with him. I asked her "As a woman, do you think that he has fallen in love with you too?" She answered "Yes" without any hesitation. I know him so well that I had already come to that conclusion on my own - and can see that he is having a difficult time processing the situation.
My understanding of "polyamory" is that it is based on the fundamental principal that we are capable of loving more than one person at the same time. By that definition my wife is clearly in a polyamorous situation, even though their relationship has not been consummated or even discussed between them. I am also learning a lot about "compersion" in this process. When my wife told me that she had fallen in love with my best friend, I was not shocked or angry or jealous. Somewhat to my surprise I found myself happy for both of them. He is a great guy, the finest man I know. She is a wonderful woman, the absolute love of my life. Knowing them both so well, it is easy for me to see how he could fall in love with her and her with him. In fact, as I told her during our calls, if she was going to fall in love with someone else he would be the man I would choose for her.
Our quandary is not with the feelings they have discovered for each other. I could easily see myself supporting their embarking upon a full blown love affair, one which I suspect would be a life long and very joyous relationship. The problem is that he is married to a wonderful woman himself, a woman who has become a good friend of both ours. Although I believe their physical relationship has waned over the years, my friend still loves his wife very much. I fear that he is now having a hard time reconciling the fact that he has also fallen in love with my wife. I worry that it is eating him up inside. He loves my wife, he wants her, he can probably sense that she loves and wants him too. So he torments himself with guilt over the fact that he is married, has fallen in love with someone else AND that the woman he fell in love with is the wife of his best friend.
My wife and I are better situated to handle this situation because we have had other experiences (although nothing like this) and because we are able to talk so openly with each other about what is happening. For my friend, the entire idea of loving more than one person at the same time, that my wife might want him just as much as he wants her and that it would actually be fine with me - those concepts are totally outside his zone of experience. And my wife is having some guilt issues of her own, not towards me but rather because she is close friends with his wife. So my friend and my wife are independently wrestling with the question of how they handle the fact that they have fallen in love with each other.
It is a very difficult situation. It saddens me that something which should be so joyous for them - that rare and priceless experience of two people genuinely falling in love with one another - is actually now a source of stress and worry. They are simultaneously longing for each other yet feeling guilty about it at the same time - even though they have never even professed their feelings.
I want the best for everyone, but honestly don't know what path they should follow. I have told me wife that I think that things have progressed to the point where she needs to tell my friend how she is feeling about him. My preferred method of problem solving is communication, and when feelings are so sincere and strong they should be expressed. I felt it would lessen some of the tension between them and also give my friend someone to talk to about it - right now he has no one. My wife thinks that it is best not to say anything, at least not for now. She says she fears that it might actually put him in a more difficult situation if she admits her feelings for him. I wonder if part of her reluctance is the worry that if she opens the door between them that it will inevitably lead to them starting a passionate love affair which would be hard to stop. She is of course worried about his wife and the hurt she would suffer if they were discovered.
So I guess that is a very long winded prelude to the questions I was hoping to get some input on. Has anyone on this site ever been in a similar situation? Or know someone who has? Do you think that my wife should talk to him at some point or should she just keep avoiding the issue? It is so ironic that if he were single or unhappily married this would be a perfect situation for a genuine and very strong polyamorous relationship - I would be very supportive of the two of them having their own lifelong love affair. I am happy for both of them. But because he is already married to a wonderful woman who is also our friend, we worry that would be a terrible thing to do as it would probably be discovered at some point. And even if the three of us could conspire to keep it secret, there would be a lot of guilt all around.
Thanks to all of you for taking the time to read a story that sadly does not have lots of titillating sexual details like so many of the other posts on OHW. I guess it is pretty obvious that I needed to write all of this down to help myself process the fact that my wife and my best friend have fallen in love with each other. Any thoughts or reactions that any of you would care to share would be greatly appreciated.