My wife has fallen in love with my best friend

[luckyguy3]

No, I don’t think I fall into the cuckold category, although I have no problem with it. We started swinging together, then some close couples relationships, then gravitated towards doing things on our own. There are two special women I see on occasions, good friends and lovers. But not the romantic connection that Dan and Jen share. Will do next update on them later today.

[Fallenone19108]

No, I don’t think I fall into the cuckold category, although I have no problem with it. We started swinging together, then some close couples relationships, then gravitated towards doing things on our own. There are two special women I see on occasions, good friends and lovers. But not the romantic connection that Dan and Jen share. Will do next update on them later today.

Ok. Thank You for the explanation. Yes I would agree with You that Your not in a Cuckold Relationship. I wish I had a nickel for every time I heard a cuck say they were in an open relationship. Only to find the wife was the only one having all the fun.

[luckyguy3]

Slow day this afternoon, good time to update the story of my friend Dan, my wife Jen & myself.

First, a point of clarification. In trying to alter a few details to conceal our identities, I totally balled up the time frame of our story. Since we are talking about something that as developed over a period of five years, I wanted to clear up the confusion now and the truth is the easiest way to go. It was July 2014 when I wrote my first post about how my wife Jen had fallen in love with my best friend Dan. It was eighteen months later, February 2016, that Dan and Jen met at the golf resort and became lovers for the first time.

So to pick up where we left off. Jen told me that she slept very peacefully in Dan’s embrace (something she has not been able to do with other lovers in the past.) He got up first, made some coffee and brought it to her in the bedroom (Jen absolutely needs her morning coffee.) As Jen related it to me later, they were both marveling over how good they felt about what had happened between them – no regrets at all. They were both still naked in bed. Their kisses became more loving, then passionate. That’s when Jen went down on him for the first time. After a few moments he tried to pull back, warning her that he was close to cumming. She responded “that’s just what I want” and not long afterwards he came in her mouth. She swallowed all of it then continued to gently stroke and suckle him, getting every last drop. She climbed back into his arms and they dozed off for a while. Then sadly it was time to start getting cleaned up, checked out of the townhouse and off to the airport for their flights back to their respective homes.

Before they parted Dan and Jen had a long, serious talk about what had happened between them and what they were going to do about it. The biggest news was that Dan and his wife were in serious difficulties. They were still friends and great parents, but especially since their kids had grown the romance had been ebbing away. There was less and less physical intimacy, to the point where it had now been over two years since they had slept together. Dan had urged counselling but his wife had refused and the two of them had become more distant from one another. It was a shame, because they had been so close when they were younger.

Dan also confessed to Jen that he had had a brief affair with a former co-worker a year ago, but that he had broken it off after just a short time because he was feeling so guilty about being unfaithful. By contrast he was not feeling that way at all about what had happened with Jen. Instead, his worry was not about his wife but rather about me – we had been friends since childhood, and now he had just spent the night making love with my wife.

During the time that had passed since Jen first told me that she had fallen in love with Dan, she and I had had many discussions about it. Jen knew that I was ok with their feelings for one another, but that I was worried about discretion and the impact on his marriage. So Jen was able to reassure Dan that he need not feel guilty because of me. Dan gave Jen a private email address that his wife did not know about so the two of them could stay in contact with one another.

Back at my end, through a combination of intuition and circumstances I knew what had happened before Jen was able to tell me. She had sent me a text saying they were about to go to dinner that Saturday night. I texted back asking if she was wearing the sexy blue dress and she had responded “Yes – didn’t you want me too?” I texted back a smiling devil face and told her I hoped they both had a great time.
Then I did not hear anything more from her that night. That was really unlike Jen – she would always check in with me. I sent her a text or two asking what was up, but when I got no reply I was pretty sure what was happening. I did get a short text from her late the next morning that they were about to check out and that she would call me from the airport. When she called later it was quite loud in the terminal. Dan’s flight had already left, her’s was boarding. Jen just said that she had a lot to tell me, that she loved me and we would talk when she got home.

Quite a few butterflies in my belly over the next few hours til I picked Jen up at the airport. She held nothing back – once we were in the privacy of our car the whole story came spilling out. She was totally honest, even to the point of admitting that she had multiple orgasms with him and came together with him once (her favorite.) She was so excited about what had happened, but also a little nervous about how I would react now that her fantasy had become a reality. When we got home we went straight to our bedroom and shared some wonderful lovemaking. Afterwards she thanked me for being supportive of her doing this with Dan, reassuring me that she loved me very much. I told her that I had no doubt of her love for me but asked if she felt she really loved Dan too. When she answered yes I asked “Did you tell him so?” She paused a moment, then told me the one thing she had held back til then. “Yes, I did. And Dan said he loved me too.”

This was all pretty powerful stuff for me, for Jen and I am sure for Dan too. Here these feelings had been building up for years, Dan and Jen had now become real lovers, they both wanted very much for it to continue – but where do we all go from here? Fortunately we had a couple of months to process stuff as we lived in different cities. During that time Dan and Jen kept up a fairly intense email correspondence exchanging messages most days and phone calls at least once a week. I sent Dan an email too, a fairly brief one telling him I was supportive but also cautious and that I wanted the three of us to talk the next time we were back there.

It was not until April that Jen and I went back to our second home in Dan’s and my hometown. As usual we saw Dan and his wife together. To me it was surprising how normal that felt, given what had happened. A day or so later Dan, Jen and I were able to meet at our house on our own while his wife was still at work (she works very long hours, which contributes to the distancing between her and Dan.) So I found myself sitting at our kitchen table drinking coffee with my best friend and my lovely wife knowing that they were now lovers. It was a strange combination of surreal and yet totally normal at the same time. Anyway, the three of us talked quite openly about what had happened and where it was going to go from here. Dan revealed the latest about his situation at home, which was continuing to slowly deteriorate and had lost all semblance of physical intimacy. The three of us agreed that we were all in favor of Dan and Jen’s relationship continuing so long as we were all very discreet. I don’t think any of us were feeling guilt towards Dan’s wife – it was more as if we were being protective of her in a way. Because something had clearly gone wrong in their relationship – and there was also clearly something very, very special about what was happening between Jen and Dan. I told them I could not imagine myself being in this situation with anyone else other than the two of them. That I knew them both so well, cared for them so much, and realized the genuineness of their feelings for one another. Then I told them I had some errands to run and that I would not be back for a couple of hours. When I returned Dan was gone, Jen looked rumpled but very happy. She gave me a huge kiss and thanked me again.

So the next two years or so – until May 2018 – were what Jen and I now refer to as the Difficult Times. Whenever we spent time in our second home we found ways for Jen and Dan to share intimate moments together. We go back there about half a dozen times a year, usually for from ten days to two weeks at a time. It became common for Dan and Jen to make love several times on each trip. But they were almost all “quickies” an hour or two stolen here or there when it was safe to do so. After six months or so Jen was honest with me that she wanted to have longer periods of time with Dan, to do more than just climb into our bed with him while his wife was working late.

The answer was provided by golf of all things. We never did buy that great townhouse (Jen and I were up for it, but Dan’s wife was never that much of a golfer and she was worried about the money.) Plus we penciled out that since we would not be able to use it regularly, it was a lot cheaper for Dan and I to meet for golf weekends every now and then during the winter. Dan's wife thought that was a great solution cause it was so much cheaper.

Except that it wasn’t me that Dan was meeting – it was Jen. This worked really, really well. That first winter they were able to do several long weekends together, three nights each time. They made sure to book places where they were not known and then held themselves out as a couple while they were there. Since both wore their wedding rings, everyone just assumed they were married. Jen absolutely loved these times when they could enjoy their relationship out in the open. She would look forward to these trips for weeks in advance and as soon as they had finished one they would be looking to the calendars to see when they could possibly schedule the next. Jen said the very best part of it was to be able to be his partner in every way while they travelled together.

Things went on this way for the first half of 2017. Once spring came around it was harder to justify golf excursions – there was a perfectly good country good club in my hometown that we all belonged to. By summer it had been several months since Dan and Jen had travelled together, although they still kept in close contact and made love frequently whenever we were in town. As far as we could tell Dan’s wife had no idea what was going on, although she was more distant than ever.

It had been a while since she and Dan had visited us at our primary home, so we invited them to come spend a week with us at our place that summer. They had visited us several times in the past and we fully expected them to say yes. But Dan’s wife offered a bunch of excuses why it just would not work for her. This pissed off Dan and he said the hell with it, that he would just come see us on his own. His wife basically said “suit yourself” – things were not good at home. So in late July 2017 Dan came out to see us. Instead of flying he took two days and drove the thousand miles.

During the week he visited us we took our “triad” – I guess it was fair to call it that by now – to a new level. During that week whenever we were out in public Jen was my wife and Dan was our friend who we were hosting for a visit. But inside the privacy of our home, Jen had two husbands. She was physically affectionate with both of us, including in front of each other. Jen loved making dinner for her two husbands, sipping wine with us afterwards over candlelight and then saying “I think it’s time for bed.” She and I had agreed in advance what the bedroom arrangements would be. Dan stayed in the guest bedroom. Jen came upstairs with me, got herself cleaned up and ready for bed. Then she would pick out a piece of sexy lingerie, put it on, give me a big kiss and go down and spend the night in Dan’s arms. The guest room is on a different floor, but there will still times when I could hear their passion for one another. It was incredibly erotic, but also very sweet.

I think that it was during that week that I discovered the true meaning of “compersion” – that I could feel love for both Dan and Jen, feel genuine happiness for their love for one another and yet still not feel threatened in my precious marriage to Jen. There was enough love (and lust) to go around for all, and we were all happier people for it.

By agreement with me Jen spent every night that week with Dan – they had so few chances for overnights. In the morning she would climb the stairs to the master bedroom and we would often make love ourselves before we joined Dan downstairs where he had already brewed up the morning coffee. I will always remember how Jen looked on those mornings, walking around the kitchen in a short terricloth bathrobe, a big s-eating grin on her face as she chatted very happily with her two husbands.

And on one night, on the carpet in front of the gas fireplace in our living room, Dan and I made love to Jen together. To this day that is the only time this has happened. It was not a classic orgy or fuck fest, with a million positions and multiple penetrations. It ended up being much quieter and slower. First both of us touching her, then me with her, then Dan with her. He spooned against her while she lay on her side facing me. Jen lifted her leg slightly and reached down and guided him inside her, all the while looking directly into my eyes. Dan stayed almost still at first. Barely moving at all, but reaching his arms around her, taking her breasts in her hands and squeezing Jen’s nipples in just the way that she loves so much. As he stroked and squeezed she closed her eyes and began to softly moan. When Dan kissed her neck, Jen began pushing her hips back against his, lovingly grinding back and forth on his cock. She tilted her head backwards so they could kiss, long and lovingly. Dan began moving more forcefully now, longer strokes one after another after another. Jen turned back to face me but her eyes were still closed, totally lost in her lovemaking. Dan’s breath shortened, his pace increased. She reached one arm back behind her, pressuring her hand on the back of his thigh, urging him on, her face and breasts flushed. Then Dan started saying “Oh Jen, Oh Jen, Oh Jen” over and over. I could tell he was cumming inside her and that sent Jen completely over the top. She cried out in pleasure as her whole body contorted and shook with maybe the most powerful orgasm I have ever seen her have, one that seemed to go on and on.

Afterwards Dan had his head down, catching his breath, kissing at Jen’s ear. Jen stayed nestled tightly inside his embrace, keeping him inside her, cooing gently. I reached out and gently touched her cheek with one hand. When she opened her eyes I mouthed the words “I love you”, blew her a kiss and quietly left them alone together.

I told Jen the next morning that it was the most beautiful lovemaking I had ever seen.

[Guhunkadorn]

The timeline clarity helps a lot...thanks.

One gets a very genuine sense of how the poly relationship grew naturally deeper.

That Dan's marriage appears to be going south is kind of a bummer and I can't help but think that his wife knew what he was up to with Jen. Maybe she had her own other relationship going on with a co-worker?.?.

[DavaoMike]

You are definitely a gifted writer, LG, and your handle is certainly appropriate. Thank you for sharing.

DM

[luckyguy3]

Thus far I have been relating all the ways in which this situation was working out so well for Dan, myself and especially Jen. Then why did she and I call the period until May of last year our "difficult times?" Because in real life this sort of stuff is really, really tricky to pull off. So it is time to speak honestly about some of the pitfalls, challenges and dangers of an arrangement like ours.

The first pitfall occurred as a direct result of Dan's trip to see us. He had spent a full week with Jen and I, with Jen sleeping in the guest room with Dan every night (although in fairness to her they did not get many opportunities for overnights and she made sure that there was plenty of lovemaking for her and I as well.) On the day that Dan was to leave, he planned an early departure as he wanted to get a good start on his long drive back to his town. Even though the master bedroom was on a different floor, I was awoken early that morning - maybe 5? - by the thumps of their headboard bumping against the wall in the guest bedroom. Their lovemaking must have been more vigorous than usual, because it sounded like the bed was moving pretty well. Soon in additions to the thumps and squeaks I was able to hear Jen's moans, which eventually turned into very audible cries of passion from both of them. The noise reached a peak then all was quiet. I just lay in my bed, feeling a little disgruntled and waiting for Jen to come up the stairs and make love to me as well (that had been our routine most days that week.)

But that did not happen that day. Eventually I heard the guest shower running for a while, then the sounds of the two of them headed downstairs. They were talking excitedly about something, but I could not tell what. When I threw on some clothes and joined them they had a proposal for me. Dan had invited Jen to do the two day drive back home with him. The plan was that when they got there Dan would drop Jen off at the airport and she would fly back to me. They had already been online looking at flights and figured out that Jen could get a mileage ticket for the trip home. They had even planned where they would spend the night en route - a casino resort that had fancy restaurants, some very romantic suites and a well known singer performing. Jen was very excited, basically saying "please, please, please, it's only for one night" and already planning what outfit she would bring for their evening on the town. Dan kept saying things like "only if you are ok with it". So I said yes and a little more than an hour later they were off on their road trip.

That left me home alone for two days, and as you might guess I spent a lot of that time thinking about our situation. Part of me was excited by the idea of the two of them having a fun day on the road followed by getting all dressed up for their night on the town (Jen took a very sexy short black dress for the occasion). It would be the seventh night in a row that they slept together, which was a record for them by far. Yet for the first time I was feeling a bit resentful too. Not jealous – I knew that Jen loved me with all her heart, was the heart of our family and that our own lovemaking was better than ever. But I was resentful of the extra two days of time away after the week long visit. Curiously I was not resentful of Dan – I totally understood why he was excited to get the extra couple of days with Jen. My feelings were directed more towards Jen, I think I wanted her to be paying more attention to me, especially after I had been so accommodating about the sleeping arrangements during the week.

I think what I figured out during those two days was that I was comfortable, even proud to share Jen with Dan, for him to be a “second husband” for her. But only up to a point – I still wanted to be her primary partner and for her to feel that way about me.

After she got home we had some long talks about all this. They were difficult at times – at first Jen feared that I wanted her to cut back on her relationship with Dan, which confused her as I had been so supportive previously. The issues were not all resolved in a day. One of the things we ended up doing was re-reading a book we had gotten years before, “The Ethical Slut”. The book was very helpful in that it describes a wide variety of poly relationships. We actually read some of the chapters aloud to each other, pausing to discuss how they related to our situation. And after a while we came to a consensus about just what type of a poly relationship would work for Jen and I.

What Jen wanted was to be able to genuinely love Dan without threatening our marriage. She had a great time making love with him, but there was much more to it than that. Her favorite times were when the two of were on their own and they could openly be a couple together. She told me that during those rare times she really felt like she was his wife and he was her husband – and she liked that. But that she also was so happy to come home to me afterwards and resume our precious marriage.

I told her that my sexually kinky side was turned on by the fact that when she was with Dan she was literally his in every way (she had zero sexual inhibitions with him, was eager to do anything he asked and had a few kinky ideas of her own.) But I also wanted the reassurance that I was her “primary”, that she still found me exciting. And especially that she not spend too long a stretch of time with him. The two day driving trip, on top of a week in bed with him at our house, was just a little much for me.

Jen said she understood and appreciated all my concerns. She gave me every reassurance I needed to hear about her love for me and her commitment to our marriage. She was incredibly honest with me about her feelings for Dan. She talked to me about how well she and Dan travelled together, but that she also knew that was not like living with someone on a day to day basis. She admitted that on their drive they had speculated about the possibility of doing a much longer trip together sometime, perhaps going to Europe for a couple of weeks. But that wasn’t practical in the current circumstances (Dan was still married!).

After our discussions Jen said she completely understood why such a long time away with Dan might not work for me. She pointed out that we were in different positions because although she would love to have that length of time with Dan, it was easier for her because she knew how much she loved me and how happy she would be to resume our life together when the trip was over. She understood my fears and said she could never be with Dan for that long a period unless she was 100% sure that I was ok with it.

So those discussions helped assuage my concerns. But there was another problem that was not so easily resolved – Dan’s marriage. As I said earlier, none of the three of us were feeling guilty about Dan and Jen’s relationship. Maybe we all sound callous, uncaring and selfish, but it did not seem that way to us. All of the physical intimacy and most of the emotional intimacy was gone from Dan’s marriage long before things started between him and Jen. And what the two of them were sharing seemed so special that it was hard for us to call it “wrong.”

So we compartmentalized it, like two separate lives. When we were back in my home town the four of us still had dinners together and did other fun activities – and Jen and I definitely enjoyed our time with Dan’s wife. But there were also the lunch hours or evenings when his wife was working late when Dan would drop by our house and make love with Jen. It was crazy in a way, and we all knew it. The chance of discovery was hanging over our heads all of the time. Even though we were being cautious, it only took one slipup or just some bad luck and Dan and Jen could be discovered. That would be bad – just plain bad – for everyone involved. One of our biggest worries was that Dan’s wife would find out and then tell all of our children. Even though they were all adults now that was not something that any of the three of us wanted to happen. So that was a constant background stressor for us.

Dan’s week long visit had been in the summer of 2017. Things pretty much stayed on the same path through the rest of 2017 and into the spring of the following year. Jen and Dan did a “golf trip” in early November. One thing about that trip was particularly noteworthy. The trip had been planned some time in advance, so I went ahead and planned my own long weekend with a lovely woman who I have seen off and on. That actually worked well for all of us, to the point where afterwards Jen and I speculated about what It would be like if we did a two couples trip together where she and Dan were one couple and my friend and I were the other. That actually sounded very intriguing to both of us.

In December Jan and Den managed to get time alone four or five times when we went back there for the Xmas holidays. In late January Dan’s first grandchild was born. His wife took off a week to go help with the new baby. Jen flew back and spent that week at our place in Dan’s town. They saw each other every day she was there and twice he spent the night with Jen at our place, leaving early in the pre-dawn hours. But for the first time he and Jen were experiencing some guilt. Here his wife was off helping with their new grandchild while Dan and Jen were fucking every day at home. It just did not feel right.

The guilt did not cool things off too much though. Dan had a work related conference in Las Vegas in March 2018 and Jen was with him for the whole time. They had to be quite careful though, as another person from Dan’s firm was also in attendance. The need to be so careful took some of the fun out of that one for Jen – one of her favorite parts of the relationship was when she could openly be Dan’s partner. But in Vegas they spent most of their time in his hotel room.

But then in May of 2018 everything changed when a bombshell came that none of us were expecting. Dan’s wife came home one evening and told Dan that she knew that he had been cheating on her for a long time. And also that she was leaving him – for another woman!

More on that next time.

[Guhunkadorn]

A little surprised you three didn't see that coming.....believe after 20 + years with spouse you read their non-verbal actions as well or better than their verbal.

So that was a year ago.....be interesting to see what's transpired since.

Thank you for continuing to share your story.

[luckyguy3]

Well I can't disagree with Guhunkadorn about spouses’ ability to sense what is going on, as that is partially what happened here. Fortunately for Dan, Jen and I his wife only partially figured out what was up. Or if she figured out the rest, she has been kind enough not to confront us.

When Dan's wife approached him about leaving him, it was not in anger but rather with regret and genuine sadness. It turned out that she had as much to confess as he did. Dan's wife (heck, she is a great person and deserves a name - let's call her Sally.) Dan's wife Sally has worked for both government and private charity organizations through the years. While she was doing graduate work in her field she had a roommate, another young woman who was very athletic, intelligent and attractive. She was also gay and very open about it at a time when it was far less accepted than it is now. Sally fell hard for her roommate and they eventually became lovers as well as close friends. When their graduate school time was over Sally's friend invited her to live openly with her as her partner. But Sally feared how her family would react and said no. This led to a painful breakup with her roommate. About a year or so later Sally started dating a man who had been in her high school class - Dan. They married and had their first child not long after.

Sally never told Dan any details of the relationship with the roommate and in fact lost contact with the roommate for many years. But apparently a number of years ago - when Sally and Dan's kids were still in school - Sally was able to locate her through social media. At some point - we do not know exactly when - Sally and her roommate resumed active contact with one another. Dan knew Sally had reconnected with an old friend from grad school but that was it. We now all assume that they resumed a physical relationship as well, although Sally was very vague in what she shared with Dan about that.

Net result was that Sally found herself still in love with her roommate. This is not the time or place to share details of their story, but as they grew closer Sally drifted farther from Dan both physically and emotionally.

The affair that Sally caught on to was not his relationship with Jen but rather the earlier one Dan had with the co-worker. Sally figured it out almost right away. She felt no need to confront Dan about it as she was not yet ready to leave the marriage and to a certain extent took some of the pressure off her on her lack of intimacy with Dan. As she later explained to Dan she felt that his affair ended any further physical relations between the two of them. She also told Dan that she was certain that he was continuing to see someone, either that same woman or someone else. I am sure that was also based upon her knowledge of Dan and especially because he had stopped pressing for sex with her.

The old roommate was the reason Sally confronted Dan. She had told Sally that she was no longer content with the situation and pretty much said they needed to either really be together or end it. This time Sally opted for the roommate. That's when she came to Dan to say that she was leaving him.

While there was a lot of sadness about the end of the marriage, there was also some relief as well. Dan and Sally came to a pretty quick agreement on separation terms and started the slog through the financial mire of a divorce as amicably as could be hoped. Sally never asked Dan any direct questions about just what woman are women he had been seeing. Dan thinks she has no idea about Jen and him. Jen thinks Sally has known for a while. I don't have a clue. I'm just really, really glad there was never an overt confrontation over it. And Sally remains friendly with both Jen and I when we see her. So that's good.

As is the case in so many divorces, all sorts of life changes came about over the next number of months. The most significant ones were that Sally moved in with her roommate in another city. They have announced their plans to marry. Sally and Dan sold their house, Dan bought a condo downtown. He also worked out an arrangement with his employer to work part of the time from home with a view to early retirement and a possible late life career change.
All of this has led to changes in the special relationship that Dan, Jen and I share. Some of those have already happened, some are ideas we are still considering. Will do a final update to cover our developments over the last year soon.
BTW, thanks to those people who have added their comments lately. Have not been a lot of them, at times I wonder what people are thinking or even if many folks are reading all this stuff. But it has been good for me to put it all down – gives me some perspective at a time that the three of us are discussing some potential significant changes in our relationship.

[fanatic2006]

Luckyguy3,

I read your story with interest. It strikes me as to how mature and void of drama the whole situation evolved. Kudos to all four of you for making the best of it.

[luckyguy3]

Thanks to Fanatic for the kind words. Overall things have been pretty mature, which makes some sense since none of us are kids anymore. But we have had some drama along the way and if I’m honest I have to admit that I was the primary cause of it.

There’s an old saying something to the effect that “when one door closes, another opens”. That was certainly the case with the end of Dan’s marriage. As I said in the last post, we were so fortunate that Dan’s relationship with Jen did not become an issue in the separation (although Jen believes to this day that Sally suspects Dan was sleeping with her – she just does not know how much of the truth Sally figured out.) Once Sally moved out to join her former roommate it became much, much less dangerous for Dan and Jen to spend time together. Unfortunately the split up happened in May last year. Jen and I run a seasonable business that is very busy from Memorial Day thru Labor Day. So it was hard for her to get away to see Dan during that time.

Jen and I had a lot of talks on our own over what direction the triad relationship could or should take once things settled down for Dan a bit. We discussed all of the options in the Ethical Slut book and more to try to figure out what might work best for us. One of the earlier questions we had to resolve was whether Dan wanted the freedom to start dating again at some point. In an email to Jen he let us know that he was not interested in getting back into the dating game, but that he was very interested in spending more time with her – always with the caveat that it was ok with me.

As I said, the summer months are the busiest months of the year for us but for Dan it was just the opposite. Plus he was looking at scaling back his work commitment with an eye to early retirement. So the first new step we took was having Dan come live with us for three weeks that summer. As Jen and I discussed in advance, it was sort of a test run to see how it would work with all of us in the same house for an extended period of time.

The results were mixed. The sleeping arrangements worked much better this time around. Jen simply alternated spending nights with each of us. I always put in a ton of hours during the summer season and had no problem crashing on my own on the nights Jen slept with Dan. So the sex part worked fine.

The problem was more on the domestic front. Dan had a great helpful attitude and he is really skilled with tools, power equipment etc – much more than me. He was eager to please Jen in any way, and she happily took advantage of it by coming up with extensive “honey do” lists for him. Dan did not complain at all, and got all sorts of things done for us, including many little fixups I had put off for a long time. Jen was thrilled with that, kept making jokes about how handy he was to have around the house. I on the other hand, reacted a little negatively to it. I think in a way I felt my role as “master of the castle” was a little threatened – even though all the work he did was really well done and helpful. Plus there was a certain loss of privacy that I was regretting. There were times when I wanted time alone with just Jen and me, even if it was to watch an old movie or do a crossword puzzle together. That wasn’t happening in this arrangement. So at times I was a bit of a drama queen about it, more snooty and aloof than I needed to be.

The good news is that the three of us know each other so well that we can’t hide things like that from each other. And as we have said many times, if we can talk about sharing Jen we can talk about anything. So over some wine on our back patio the three of us had a long talk about where we wanted to go from here.

Good news was that all three of us agreed on two things from the outset: that we wanted this special relationship to continue, but that all of us living together in the same home was not the way to make that happen. So the question was what would work.

My touchstone principle was that I was ok with sharing Jen so long I was assured that I was still her primary. Jen’s overriding concern was that we all still needed to be discreet, that she did not want our children to find out about this. And Dan’s main desire was more and longer time with Jen – over the past years they had never spent more than three consecutive nights together on their own.

It is amazing what caring, loving people can do when they are completely open and honest about both their wants and their fears. So here is what we came up with and how things have played out up until now.

In August of last year Jen met Dan for three nights at a town about half way between our two locations. It was their first time alone together in several months, and they both enjoyed it very much.

By mid September Dan was ready to close on the purchase of his new condo. It was a cool place but totally unfurnished. Dan is as untalented at interior decorating as he is talented on home fixup projects. By agreement among the three of us, Jen went back to his town in mid September to help him get the new place all set up. The original plan was for her to spend nights at our place to preserve discretion. But the commute back and forth to downtown was a pain in the ass (and hour plus each way during rush traffic.) So after a couple of days she just moved in with him – no one in the condo complex knew any of us, so that was probably safer and a lot more convenient than Dan sneaking in and out of our place.
Jen ended up staying three extra days – for a total of ten - to get everything set up. During most of that time she and Dan lived together at his place. It was their first extended time as a “real life couple” – far different from travelling together. They got along great, were good partners in the decorating process, and generally had a great time together. I talked to Jen several times each day by phone and was ok with things while she was gone. And when she came back I could tell that she was genuinely glad to be home with me – which was what I cared about most of all.

Since then we have all worked out a flexible but pretty effective sharing arrangement. Jen and I continue our periodic trips to my hometown throughout the offseason. Typically we go back for ten days to two weeks at a time every other month. While Jen and I are back there together Dan hangs out a lot at our place, sometimes spending the night there. This does not draw much attention as everyone in our neighborhood knows we are all friends. This allows Dan and Jen opportunities for some intimate time at our place. And she sometimes goes into the city to meet him there too.
But the more noteworthy change in our relationship has been scheduling significant time for Jen to stay exclusively with Dan at his new home. Typically she will have a few days alone with him either right before or after one of our joint trips back home. In addition to that, on most months that we don’t go back together she travels on her own to stay with him at the condo. She will leave on a Thursday or Friday and come home about seven to ten days later. On these trips she and Dan pretty much conduct themselves as their own independent couple.

Dan lives in the heart of a huge city and it is unlikely that they will run into anyone that they know. We have all agreed upon a fallback story that they are prepared to use in case they do run into someone. Because we have all known each other for so long, it is pretty safe as people would not be surprised to see the two of them out together. They do have to be a bit circumspect as to how publicly affectionate they are with one another, but over the months that has become less of a concern. We have all talked about it and our guess is that the worst thing that could happen if they were say, seen holding hands or dancing or even kissing, by someone who knew us is that it could start some rumors. That we can live with, especially since Jen really believes that Sally already knows something was up. If someone were to call Sally with hot gossip about us, it does not seem likely that she would try to stir up trouble with our kids.

So my beautiful bride Jen got two husbands in her life. When we count up the days , in the past eight months she has spent over six weeks of exclusive time with Dan as his partner, plus numerous lovemaking opportunities when we are both in town (and when he spent the Christmas holidays with us.) The three of us did a real golf excursion last February, with Jen happily shuttling between two bedrooms and everyone having a great time. Jen started keeping some clothes and toiletries at Dan’s condo so she needed to lug less stuff back and forth on her trips (although she still does somehow seem to take an enormous bag each time.) The week to ten days that she spends away at a time do seem to drag on a bit for me (I end up falling asleep on the couch in front of late night tv too often.) But twice I have made use of the opportunity to spend a night or two with a special friend of my own.

Dan still shows no desire to date other women. He loves having Jen live with him. He has not pressed for longer visits, but has expressed the desire that he see her more frequently. Jen has respected and treated me as her “primary” husband, but is quite candid about how much she enjoys her time as Dan’s partner.

All that sounds pretty darned good, right? Well it is. But it is not perfect and, as always there are issues to address. Jen really loves her time with both of us, but has also told Dan and I that this lifestyle poses some difficulties for her. The hardest part for her is all of the travel back and forth between the two cities. We were going back there enough before Dan’s separation, but since Jen essentially moved in with him part time the number of trips has essentially doubled for her. It’s a lot of days spent packing, unpacking, in airports etc. Not too mention mundane yet real problems such as dressing up for a night out on the town with me only to realize that she left the shoes that go best with that outfit at Dan’s place (that really happened.) It’s just a lot of back and forth for her, and to a large extent she is now trying to keep up with three homes (our place here, our place in my hometown and Dan’s condo) as well as two husbands.

Jen is a problem solver by nature, and she has started floating a proposal to Dan and I about how to address her concerns. This would require yet another evolution in our relationship. We have all been talking about it for a month or so now, still mulling it over. Will share details in next post, time for this guy to get some sleep (and yes, Jen is here with me this week – yippee!)

LG3

[subtoall]

I love reading about your journey. And I agree with Jen that Sally knows.

[Guhunkadorn]

Incredible married life you've had of late.

Can't wait for next update.

[luckyguy3]

Those patient few of you who have been willing to slog through all of my lengthy missives will know that I first posted about Dan and Jen falling for each other almost five years ago. It was an unusual and poignant situation – one that Jen and I had not encountered previously and had no particular idea how to address. That’s what led me to post about it on the poly forum in the first place. I got some helpful feedback and advice from a number of folks (thanks again to all of them.) Now I am seeking it again.

I stopped posting for almost five years. During that period Dan and Jen eventually became lovers, they maintained an “affair” with my knowledge for a couple of years, Dan’s marriage ended and now for the last year we have had a real sharing arrangement. I am in the role of Jen’s primary husband. Yet Jen also spends extensive exclusive time as Dan’s partner. While that was working well, I remained “dark” on the forum – no posts about Jen and Dan.

Why did I get back online after all these years? Well, back in April Jen and I did one of our periodic trips to our second home located in the suburbs of the city where Dan now lives. Jen went back a few days before I did in order to have an exclusive weekend with Dan. That was fine with me, we were all pretty accustomed to the sharing arrangement by that point. But for Jen the burden of the repetitive travel between two towns located a thousand miles apart was really starting to get to her. The fact that our primary home is in a small resort community did not help – there were no direct flights. Between TSA lines, the plane change, Ubers to and from the airports etc it took her the better part of a full day to get from one place to another. And she was frustrated by having her “stuff” split between three locations (our primary home, our second home in my old home town and Dan’s place.)

When I flew to my old hometown a few days later Jen met me at the airport. She told me that she wanted Dan to join us for dinner at our place the next evening. I said fine, not surprised as Dan often visited Jen and I when we were in town. But Jen made it clear that this was different – she wanted the three of us to sit down and do a review of how things were going.

The next evening the three of us sat down in our living room to talk. Jen settled herself in an armchair to start – it seemed that she had an agenda and did not want to be sitting with either of us as we addressed it. She suggested that each of us write down a few sentences about how we were feeling about how things were going and whether there was anything anyone might want to change. Then we would read aloud to each other after we had all written something down.

I got to read first. My notes were fairly straightforward. I said that overall I was quite happy with how things had gone the past eight months and that I wanted to continue. My biggest concern was that the summer months were the busy season for our business and that I expected Jen to spend most of that time (Memorial Day to Labor Day) with me at our primary home. Dan’s notes also said that he was happy, wanted to continue as we were, although he wished he could see Jen more frequently (sometimes a month or more would pass between their exclusive times together.) He also surprised me (I think Jen already had an inkling about this) by saying that he would like to be able to introduce Jen to some of his friends as his partner. Dan was meeting new people and attending social events relating to his new career interest. He said it would be nice to include Jen in those gatherings when she was in town. He thought they could hold themselves out as a couple in a long distance relationship.

Jen spoke last. Her concerns were those set forth above. She loved me, wanted me to continue to be her primary husband. But she also loved Dan and her exclusive time with him. She wanted both relationships to continue – and for all of us to enjoy time together as well. But she was really feeling the pressure of all the commuting between two places so far apart. She was also candid that while she recognized her commitment to our summer business, she did not like the idea of going three months without seeing much of Dan. That’s when she sprung a new proposal about our relationship, one that Dan and I were hearing together for the first time.

Jen proposed that we do things differently for the summer. Starting in late May, she would remain with me in our primary home helping with the summer business rush. While she was there, Dan would be free to join us for weekend visits when it worked for his schedule. However, in July Jen wanted to take a break from the hectic pace of the summer rush. She had started tiring of it a few years ago and now she was ready for a change. Jen had been grooming an assistant to take on more of her responsibilities and now felt confident that woman could cover for her once we got through the annual startup hassles in June. Jen said she would like to live with Dan from after the July 4th weekend through the first week or two of August. She hoped that I would be able to get away and see her for at least one weekend during that time.

That was a major change over what we had been doing. Essentially Jen was proposing that the travel burden be shifted from her to Dan and I during the summer months. She had several other more detail oriented proposals for us as well. The first dealt with Dan’s new place. While it was nice, it was not large and did not have lots of closet space in the master bedroom and bath. She said she would like to take over the guest bedroom closet and dressers etc so she could have her own space for her things and not have to schlep so much stuff back and forth. She wanted Dan and I to talk on our own about how to handle the cost of her airline tickets. (She and I had been purchasing all the tickets for her independent visits to stay with Dan, and Jen knew that had irked me a bit.) Jen said that she could possibly be ok with Dan introducing her to people as his partner, but only if he talked to her in advance about it and gave her the chance to check in with me first. She also said that she was always going to wear our wedding ring no matter what as a symbol of her commitment to me. But then she flashed a cute grin and added that if Dan wanted to give her a special piece of jewelry to recognize their relationship she would be happy to wear that too. (Jen can be a very engaging tease when she wants to.)

Wow – that was a lot to process. I think both Dan and myself were a bit blown away – these were some pretty fundamental changes. Jen suggested sensibly that we all needed to take some time to think things over. She then sweetly yet firmly suggested to Dan that he should head home to his place for the evening, promising that she would drive into town and visit with him the next day. Dan did the right thing and headed out – he could tell that Jen needed some alone time with me.

Once Dan was out the door I started to vent a bit. Instead of talking to Jen more about the pros and cons of her proposal, I focused on the fact that she had not come to me with them alone first, that I felt betrayed by that. Jen said that she understood my feelings and had even anticipated them to a certain extent. But she wanted me to appreciate the tricky nature of the position she was in here. She really was feeling the stress of the travel hassles and felt she needed to consider some changes. While I would always be her “primary”, it was with my support and encouragement that she had established a genuine independent relationship with Dan. When she was with him, she was not just his girlfriend or lover. She was his partner, or in other words, she was his wife too. That was the understanding we all shared. If she had a proposal on how to make significant changes to our living arrangements for the summer she felt she should share it with both of us at the same time. And she assured me that she had no conversations about Dan with it in advance – he was as surprised as I was.

That mollified me to a certain extent, although it was still a lot to process. But Jen was not done with her surprises. She sat me down on the couch, took my hand and said that she had more to talk to me about, things to discuss with me alone. Specifically, Jen wanted us to start thinking about whether we wanted to maintain our primary residence in the town where we had our summer business, or whether we should get something smaller there for use in the summer and spend most of the rest of the year at our newer second house in my old hometown. She pointed out, correctly, that now that the kids were long gone we no longer needed a four bedroom home, especially an older one that needed ever increasing maintenance. She talked about “downsizing”, making our lives a little simpler with an eye towards retirement. And finally she pointed out that if the three of us were going to continue our sharing relationship, it would sure be a lot easier for everyone, especially her, if she only had to drive from the suburbs to downtown instead of flying half way across the country.

Almost immediately I asked her how the sharing arrangement would work if we all lived in the same metropolitan area. Jen said she had some ideas that we could discuss together with Dan, but that first she wanted to talk with just me to see if the idea of spending most of the year in my hometown made sense. She stressed that there was no rush for us to make any immediate decisions about the long term, but that as we talked about the changes for the upcoming summer months she thought I should know what she had been thinking. Then she led me to the bedroom where we fell asleep in each other’s arms.

So these are the questions that prompted me to start posting again. Over three weeks have passed and we have still not finalized our plans for the summer. Dan has made it clear that he would be excited to try this. I know that Jen would like to. Jen and I have talked about it a lot more, but I still have not quite given my assent to her spending five or six weeks straight with Dan.

Startup for us is Memorial Day weekend, and things get busy not too much longer after that. From a purely business perspective I know we could make do – Jen’s assistant really is ready to take on the load. I have done some tentative planning and figured out that if Jen were gone for six weeks I could probably get back there for two weekends without too much fuss. It’s much more of an internal, emotional issue for me – do I really trust the strength of our marriage and her commitment to me to be happy with her living with Dan as his partner for such a long period of time? My head says it should work, my heart says it could work – but my gut gets scared and says “what if it doesn’t work?”

LG3

[samlowen]

I would have a very hard time with my wife being gone from me for that long. I can't see myself every agreeing to that. Two weeks would be my personal max. When my wife and I were poly for several years in our twenties, she was away for up to 14 days at a time and that stretched me to my capacity. I would have a very hard time with my wife not coming to me first, as her primary, instead choosing to talk about that as a group. It's hard for me to move past my selfish feelings here as I read this. You and Jen shouldn't be carrying all the cost and Dan should absolutely step up and pay for half of the travel costs. He wants to introduce her as his partner, he should pick up a greater load of the costs. If he's in a financial position for an early retirement the travel costs shouldn't be a financial concern.

Of course Dan is excited to try this, he only gains. Jen is always with one of her two loves. You give up the most and have the most to lose. Rough. I'm really interested to see how other in this situation who are more selfless than I will respond.

[Observer1931]

Seems she (they) may have just moved you from primary to co-primary. Good Luck

[Suchen Zucker]

How do you feel about losing your wife/business partner during your peak business season? While you say she has an assistant to do her share of the work, is that actually the case? I would think your wife would be a hell of a lot more support for you than just an hourly employee. What about the things you do as a couple to support one another which also makes a difference in getting through the day? While you may think you can talk over the phone if a problem comes up at work- more likely you will resent her not being there to support you and you (like most men), will just "suck it up" and deal with it on your own while internalizing your displeasure. You're not going to like the feeling that you can't just call her when you feel like talking to her. Now you will have to consider what you may be interrupting before you pick up the phone. Will texting instead of talking become the norm to avoid "intruding" into her other life?

Since she will most likely get what she wants, how can you avoid feeling like you are getting the short end of the stick?

You need someone who can fulfill her wifely duties while she is away loving another man and absent from your marriage for an extended period. You need companionship to get your mind off of missing your wife. Someone to go out with, relax with and just have some much needed fun after your hard day at work. Why should you come home to an empty house, a lonely dinner and a cold bed? Do you have a FB who'd like to play house with you over the Summer? A lot of women would jump at the chance of having that experience I bet.

Since you will demand that her boyfriend will now financially support his share of your wife you can take the money you saved and spend it on having a high time with your Summer fling!

Would she go along with this if it makes you happier with her being away for so long?

[seductionrules]

Great writing thanks for sharing.
What an amazing relationship the 3 of you have
Regards
Mr. SR

[luckyguy3]

Thanks to those of you who submitted comments in the past couple of days. It was nice to hear some validation about my concerns. Your questions also got me thinking about some issues as well.

As I read thru the comments, I realized I may have been a little unfair to Jen in a couple of respects in my earlier posts. Sometimes when I write I am venting a bit about issues I have been wrestling with. That’s good to do, but I can forget to give all of the relevant background and perspective. I think this happened here, especially about my anger about Jen broaching this proposal to Dan and I together without talking to me first.

Jen and I have had so many talks about our hopes, desires, needs over this unique relationship we have with Dan. As Jen has reminded me, I have been supportive of her and Dan having their own independent relationship. While I don’t feel that I pushed Jen into it, I certainly made it clear that it was something that I wanted her – and us – to try. As things progressed, it was actually me who started referring to Dan as her second husband and Jen as his wife as well as mine. And in those discussions I had told Jen that as a woman who now had two husbands in her life (albeit a primary and a secondary) there would be times that she should talk to us both together instead of separately.

The other thing I want to do is to make it clear that I do not look at this as Jen abandoning her commitment to our business, far from it. She will still be there for the critical times – startup and closeup. I am the “face” of the business, the one dealing with clients, contracts, publicity, marketing etc. Jen has the far less fun job of organizing the work schedule, which involves a lot of summer employees, many of whom are college students. Her part is essential, but once the schedule is set it is pretty mundane and a pain in the butt keeping all those folks lined up thru the summer. She and I have talked for years about her backing out of that part and we have a great young woman who has worked as Jen’s #2 for years who can handle the mid summer months. So Jen is not leaving me in the lurch. She would never do that, and I did not want to leave that impression.

Ok, enough history – back to the present. Jen and I came to an agreement last night about the summer. It was surprisingly easy once I was able to articulate my fears. Those were twofold: first, that five to six weeks seemed like too long a time apart from one another, and second, that I needed reassurance that I was still and would always be her “primary”. I told her that I could not imagine us having this much of a sharing arrangement with anyone else other than Dan, my best friend. But I still needed to be Husband Number One, no matter how great a guy Dan was.

Jen was great. First, she agreed that six weeks was too long, especially for the first time that we were trying something like this. She suggested we try just four weeks, from after the 4th of July weekend through the first week of August. She also said that she would not do even the four weeks it unless I promised to takeoff a weekend in the middle of July and come down and see her. Jen knows how obsessive I can get on the work stuff during the summer rush and she said it would be good for me to get away and discover that the outfit could actually survive for 72 hours or so without me at the helm. Jen said that even four weeks sounded like a long time to her too, that she would miss me and that she wanted me to come see her. She wanted that very much. I told her that all sounded good to me.

I wish I had the right words to convey the sincerity of her love and concern for me and how much better I felt after that talk. It was like a huge weight was lifted off my shoulders. Once she had raised my confidence back up about my “primary” status, the details were easy to work out.

And guess what? Once we had worked out a deal about the summer, I suggested plans for the fall as well. We are usually done with end of season close up by mid-September latest. I suggested to Jen that once closeup was done that we head to our place in my hometown and stay there through the fall, maybe even as late as Thanksgiving. A long stay would give us the chance to evaluate whether we wanted to make that our primary residence going down the road. This time it was Jen who asked me about how I saw the sharing arrangement working with Dan if we all lived in the same area. To me the answer was simple – let’s see how things go this summer and then talk more with Dan about where we all go from there. Jen said that sounded good to her.

Today we are in my hometown, we fly home on Wednesday. By agreement with me Jen is spending tomorrow night at Dan’s place so they can have some alone time before Jen and I leave for the summer.

So after all that angst it looks like we have a plan.

LG3
PS I talked to Dan about airline tickets. It was ridiculously easy to come up with a solution. When Jen is flying to see him, he buys. When she and I are flying together, I buy. Dan was totally cool with that. I mean like, duh, why didn’t we come up that one a while ago

[JeffBingham]

Of course Dan is excited to try this, he only gains. Jen is always with one of her two loves. You give up the most and have the most to lose. Rough. I'm really interested to see how other in this situation who are more selfless than I will respond.

Hi Lucky,
Your latest update notwithstanding, I still see it this way. Of course, you seem like a far more selfless man than I. As someone who spends way too much time in airports and on planes, I can understand Jen's position. And I really don't mean to turn this into a win/lose situation, but you are still losing more time with Jen, Dan is gaining more, and Jen is getting more time with him and less time travelling. Jen gains, Dan gains, you lose (for lack of a better term).

Look, none of this bookkeeping matters at all if you're really happy with the resolution. And I don't worry for you or your marriage as I do for some of the folks who post on here. I'm sure that if this doesn't pan out as you all hope or expect, you 3 will figure out what to do. Of that I am sure.

[luckyguy3]

Several comments about “who gains and who loses” in this situation. Pretty challenging and thought provoking stuff. I have some reactions to that from my perspective but I want to think about them a little more before I post them.

Going to be an interesting day. I am driving Jen downtown to Dan’s condo in a few hours. She has been putting together a bunch of clothes and personal items to take with her to leave at his place. There are lots of clothes still on their hangars, several shopping bags of loose items, another bag filled with just toiletries, shampoos, conditioners and umpteen lotions. Even a moving box with some books, magazines, coffee mug and other personal items. Definitely not like watching her pack luggage for a trip. This is “moving in” stuff, although still at a small scale.

Lots to think about.

[Observer1931]

Thank you for your clarifying update. Perhaps some of the negative comments posted regarding your situation help you talk with your wife about your concerns. Even so with telling her in the past she can talk to both of you the subject was of such a change that one might talk with the primary first. Whither this was news to Dan or not he sure accepted the plan and why wouldn't he. He along with your wife are big winners. Your expressing concerns about 6 weeks being too long she quickly agreed that she felt that too (so why start with 6 then) and countered with 4 weeks and a 72 hour visit to her pussy. Which would most likely be 6 hours between her legs at best. Another factor is that Dan wants more "wife time" at events he now has.

All this with her suggesting downsizing to a smaller house. The fact that she feels 4 weeks test to start before before 6 still seems that is her wish.
Now what if it is fine with her, fine with Dan but not you. 2 against 1. I think you will give in to please her. My first post still seems like you are getting into a co-primary husband position.

The bottom line is what works for you.

[mintymintybiscuit]

Very hot, her taking some "moving in" things with her. She's living a good life. Not only does she now have two husband she also has two closets. Every woman's dream.

[luckyguy3]

Tuesday afternoon I dropped Jen and her stuff off at Dan’s condo. He has a small but stylish two bedroom unit in a new complex in the heart of downtown. Dan was there to let us in. He helped us carry Jen’s stuff in. It was not quite as much as I had feared. Once it was all in I gave Jen a big kiss and hug and headed back home.

No real problems on my own that night. I had plenty to wrap up at the house as I was about to be gone for most of the summer. Plus by this point I am pretty used to Jen spending nights at his place on occasion.

The next day Dan dropped Jen off at the airport to meet me for our flight home. Once we had a moment together Jen gave me a big kiss and whispered “thank you, I love you so much” in my ear. It has become part of our reunification ritual each time she comes back from being with Dan. May not sound like much, but its important to me. And Jen too.

The travel was a bit of a pain as usual, but we made it home at a decent hour. I dropped our bags in the entryway, took Jen by the hand and led her directly to our bedroom for the rest our ritual – the reclaiming. We have always made delightful love as soon as possible after she comes back to me. She tells me everything she and Dan do together, holding back no details, while we passionately make love to each other. Then we hold each other for a long time.

That night as we held each other, Jen asked me how I was feeling about the summer plans. She reinforced that she did not have to do this and that if I was having problems at any point she would come home right away.

In response, I did something I had not done before. Jen and Dan both know that I have been posting about our situation (I have their permission so long as I disguise things so we can’t be identified.) At times Jen has asked a couple of questions but mostly she has just looked at it as my thing. But on Wednesday night I brought the site up on my cell phone while we were still in bed and asked her to read them.

I am so glad that I did. Jen got into it right away, racing through the posts. She kept saying that “I had no idea you were writing so much!” Sometimes she would burst out in a laugh, often about some detail that I had changed to disguise our identities. When she was done she had some strong reactions that she said she needed to share with me.

First, Jen did not like the word “sharing” to describe her relationships with Dan and I. She did not want anyone to think of her as someone who we were passing back and forth between us as we chose – she thought that diminished her. Instead, this is three mature open minded adults who are working together to allow very special and loving relationships to flourish in what are often difficult circumstances. She is a fully empowered partner making her own choices, not something being passed around. She knows that Dan and I don’t think of her that way, but she wants to be sure that no readers of these posts get that impression – or anything even close to it.

Next Jen had a couple of reactions of how my posts depicted her initial proposal that she spend five to six weeks with Dan this summer. She pointed out that I had omitted a couple of important facts. First, her actual words had been “up to five to six weeks.” Also, in the course of our discussion that day Jen had said she was open to breaking that up into two smaller periods and coming back to see me for a couple of weeks in between. The month period that we agreed on was as much my idea as hers. Most of all, she wanted it made clear that her entire proposal was couched in terms that it would only work for her if in fact it was going to be ok for me too.

Finally, Jen thought that a lot of the discussion of how she is a “winner” in all respects of this situation is misguided. She had some pretty strong opinions on this that she has asked me to express on her behalf. I took some notes on what she said:

“It’s weird that so many strangers know about us. Some of you seem to think I am a winner, because I get to have two men in my life and a lot of sex. That’s not how it feels to me. This is not easy. Women might appreciate that. It is hard to balance two relationships, to have two men who you love but who also need your time, attention and care. Women tend to be the safe audience, the comforters and care givers. I am now doing that for both Dan and my husband. It’s a lot to worry about at times and often feel like I have two different lives to deal with. Not to mention all the things we have to do to make sure that our children don’t find out about this (my husband has not talked about how much a worry that is for me.) I don’t think you understand that while I like the time with Dan, I miss my husband when we are apart. I call him every day, usually several times. I could not do this without his love and would not do it without his support.”


Jen’s words to me were very heartfelt, I thought they deserved to be included.

[subtoall]

I love reading your posts. You write so clearly and sensitively about your feelings and present a really nuanced chronicle of your polyamorous journey. Your most recent post brought up several impressions I thought I might share. Feel free to take in or discard them all!

First, Jen did not like the word “sharing” to describe her relationships with Dan and I. She did not want anyone to think of her as someone who we were passing back and forth between us as we chose – she thought that diminished her. Instead, this is three mature open minded adults who are working together to allow very special and loving relationships to flourish in what are often difficult circumstances. She is a fully empowered partner making her own choices, not something being passed around. She knows that Dan and I don’t think of her that way, but she wants to be sure that no readers of these posts get that impression – or anything even close to it.

Speaking for myself, I never assumed the negative connotation of the word sharing that your wife feared, although I understand her fear. Do you find it as amusing as I do that it took you and her 24 words to replace one? This does not lead to economical writing!

Next Jen had a couple of reactions of how my posts depicted her initial proposal that she spend five to six weeks with Dan this summer. She pointed out that I had omitted a couple of important facts. First, her actual words had been “up to five to six weeks.” Also, in the course of our discussion that day Jen had said she was open to breaking that up into two smaller periods and coming back to see me for a couple of weeks in between. The month period that we agreed on was as much my idea as hers. Most of all, she wanted it made clear that her entire proposal was couched in terms that it would only work for her if in fact it was going to be ok for me too.

Again, though it's understandable that she wants this spelled out clearly, your writing always conveys your wife's concern for your feelings and needs, that your input is sought and that you must be on board with any decisions.

Finally, Jen thought that a lot of the discussion of how she is a “winner” in all respects of this situation is misguided. She had some pretty strong opinions on this that she has asked me to express on her behalf. I took some notes on what she said:

“...Some of you seem to think I am a winner, because I get to have two men in my life and a lot of sex. That’s not how it feels to me. This is not easy. Women might appreciate that. It is hard to balance two relationships, to have two men who you love but who also need your time, attention and care. Women tend to be the safe audience, the comforters and care givers. I am now doing that for both Dan and my husband. It’s a lot to worry about at times and often feel like I have two different lives to deal with.

Relationships are really hard to do well. So managing two loving and deep relationships with lengthy interruptions to time together while also being mindful of the impact of each relationship on her relationship with the other lover certainly is exponentially harder. And you've never indicated that she has any confidant besides you and Dan (both involved parties) to rely on for support. That sounds pretty tough to me. That being said, and recognizing that I'm only responding to your chronicle of a clearly much more nuanced conversation than can be conveyed in one paragraph, I read her words as if she's assuming the role of victim in this situation.

I believe we're all entitled to love and be loved, but there are many people on this earth who will never have what she has with one person, to say nothing of having it with two. But perhaps I'm missing the mark with what she said. In my book, she very much is a winner here, and I don't think anyone is losing, so there are winners all around. Still, what she is (and you all are) juggling is quite hard.

Also, I sense you are her equal as a provider of comfort and caregiving. No?

"...Not to mention all the things we have to do to make sure that our children don’t find out about this (my husband has not talked about how much a worry that is for me.)

Perhaps she need not have that worry. Why act as if this beautiful polyamorous relationship between you three is shameful? Young adults in 2019 are well aware of the widespread existence of alternative relationships in the world and while your truth may be initially shocking, I'd expect children raised by the intelligent, loving and thoughtful couple described in this thread would respond positively.

Secrets are toxic. Holding one as big and important as this one drives a wedge between loving family members. The impacts can be subtle, but they are there. To me, the lies, omissions and contortions you have to engage in to protect your secrecy have an unappreciated though greater cost than the shock and temporary confusion that revealing your truth would bring up. I'm not about to judge anyone for making a different choice, just offering my unsolicited input.

"...I don’t think you understand that while I like the time with Dan, I miss my husband when we are apart. I call him every day, usually several times. I could not do this without his love and would not do it without his support.”
Jen’s words to me were very heartfelt, I thought they deserved to be included.

Thank you for sharing here as deeply as you do. I'm always moved by your posts. This last point your wife wanted you to convey has been clear to me throughout your thread. I've never doubted her continued concern for you.

[Observer1931]

Thanks again Lucky for your informative update. I agree with you it was a good thing to have Jen read your posts. Often when we talk to our spouses we want to spare them our true feelings/concerns. Yet when we wright them down we can be more candid, showing our deep feelings. I have no doubt that Jen loves you; however, it still appears she and Dan are the primary beneficiaries of this new plan even with the revised 4 weeks counter offer.

Trying to be a wife to 2 husbands, meeting all their needs, in and out of the bedroom, certainly would be a daunting task. Guess that is the trade off. Perhaps she may feel she is not meeting Dan's needs. I think you are a very loving and giving person and will do all you can to support her with this plan for her and Dan. I realize how hard this must of hit you to feel the need to wright it out and seek help. I hope reading your posts helped you both. Who are the winners? Those that are happy I guess.

My Very Best to you.