Another man loves my wife

When a fuck buddy becomes something more.
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Another man loves my wife

Unread post by co-husband » Wed Dec 10, 2014 11:26 am

Hello...I'm fairly new to all of this but found this site and decided to post my situation here.

My wife and I have been married 32 years (I'm 56, she is 52). Last year a good friend of ours went though a divorce when his wife left him. We let him hang around with us (dinners, outings, visits in our home etc) just to be a good friend to him.
After a while I could tell he was enjoying being around my wife more than just as a friend. A husband can just tell when another man is hot for his wife. I guess I am a bit of a cuckold because I actually enjoyed seeing him around my wife, sometimes ignoring me and focusing on her. I didn't blame him, my wife is a petite blonde, pretty and a great personality. But she is a bit naïve and didn't really notice our friend's behavior being anything but "friendly"

So over a few months it became more obvious to me that he was falling for my wife. I admit I actually encouraged it. I would suggest to her that she meet him alone for lunch, that he needed female companionship since he lived alone. I also gave him obvious signals that I was ok with him being with my wife. He began texting, calling her every day, and she responded in kind.

Finally one day about 2 months ago they were our together on a lunch date, and he admitted to her that he was in love with her. My wife was surprised and didn't see it coming. Kind of shook her up for a few days, but I kept reassuring her that I was ok and our friend needed the emotional support from her, so she has continued to see him.

So far it has not turned sexual between them but I feel it is getting very close to that point. I know he would in a minute if my wife and I offered to let him. I have fantasized about this kind of poly relationship with another man for a long time, now it looks like it might happen. I actually enjoy seeing him interact with my wife and can tell he actually does love her emotionally. I've thought of ways to push my wife into being with him in bed, taking the relationship with him to the next level, but I don't want to push her too far too quickly, but I'm confident that it will happen at some point.

I posted this here mainly to get some feedback. As I said I'm fairly new to this lifestyle but I love the intensity of it. I truly have never been upset to know that another man is actually in love with my wife. In fact it's a huge turn on for me to share my wife with him so intimately.

Thanks for any feedback!

Mark

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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by allengt » Wed Dec 10, 2014 1:46 pm

Welcome to the forum. Nice intro.
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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by DavaoMike » Thu Dec 11, 2014 9:58 am

Hi Mark,
That was a very well written and articulate posting. Your description of your wife's blossoming relationship with your friend is very titillating and exciting. Please keep us updated as this drama unfolds. :-)

DM

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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by weplay304 » Thu Dec 11, 2014 11:24 am

I agree that your "virgin" post is excellent.

Hope you're treading lightly down this path and making sure that your friend's expectations match yours if this relationship unfolds. Otherwise, someone is likely to wind up with a broken heart.

Poly is a HUGE step. Step carefully.

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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by MrMeener » Sat Dec 13, 2014 12:26 am

I think everything depends on the strength of her feelings for you.

You are being driven by a hugely strong and what at times can be an overpowering sexual desire to share her physically and I suspect, that is clouding your feelings and understanding about the consequences of sharing her emotionally.

My wife gets hugely turned on by my excitement at her behaviour, but the foundation for everything we do is her love for me and my love for her. Everyone else in her HW life is second emotionally to our relationship and as long as it stays that way there is no threat to us.

The difference with your situation is that the other man is getting very emotionally attached to you wife, before the physical side of things and that could be risky if the same happens to your wife's feelings for him.

My point is therefore a simple one. Hotwifing normally starts with a degree of flirting and leads to a physical relationship, which may develop an emotional connection and the wife then has to decide if that emotional connection threatens the primary relationship. In my opinion (and please readers, remember I am only intending this to be seen as an opinion, it is not a lecture!) successful Poly relationships rely on the woman being able to divide her emotional connection between two lovers without damaging either relationship.

So it all boils down to how strong you and your wife's relationship is. If you are both CERTAIN it is strong enough, then allow the new relationship to develop provided you are prepared to share her physically (exciting) and emotionally (potentially more dangerous).

Don't misinterpret the strong and for those of us who have them, the wildly exciting desires to share her physically with the far more complex risks of sharing her emotionally.

If you are clear that what you want is more than the physical sharing, then proceed, but remember, the other man has to be prepared to share your wife in both ways too, and he may not be in the same space as you, you have had time to think and fantasise for years, he may not be there yet.

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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by Samanthasman » Sat Dec 13, 2014 12:54 am

It feels like you are heading down this "poly" path, but you at the only one that wants to be poly.

My guess is that your friend just wants your wife for himself, and your wife is slowly figuring out what she wants. I would estimate the results of such an experiment to be unpredictable.

My own wife is a HW who's bf started loving her. She admitted eventually she loves him as well. This has all happene within a fairly structured environment with rules, tons of discussion, and intense monitoring. And even with all of that I am still trying to determine if it is sustainable, and w are treading lightly.

What I'm doing has risks. What you are doing has risks, squared.
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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by co-husband » Sat Dec 13, 2014 4:19 am

MrMeener and Samanthasman,

Thank you both very much for your advice. I do agree with you both totally.
I have been fantasizing about sharing my wife for a long time but never expected it to happen, and never expected it to happen so naturally under such conditions, and certainly didn't expect it to happen with this particular friend. That's why I really understand your point about me preparing for years to be in a situation like this, but our friend is a newcomer to it, and my wife I think is still not sure where she fits into it all.

The relationship between my wife and I is rock solid. We've been married 32 years, have children together, now enjoy grandchildren, we are empty nesters who share common interests in every area of our lives. And I truly believe that a major reason that she has not allowed herself to even admit that our friend actually is in love with her, let alone consider letting him experience physical intimacy with her, is that she doesn't want to hurt me or our marriage. I know she is thinking clearly and I'm positive that both me and our friend are influenced by advice from our penises.
I am at the point now that when I let myself stop and think clearly (without my penis involved) it is truly amazing to realize this fact: That another man is actually in love with my wife, and takes her out on lunch dates each week alone. I am letting another man develop his own emotional relationship with my wife. I purposely do not ask either of them what they talk about when they are alone so he can feel free to be emotionally open with my wife when they are together. It really does feel surreal in a way that this is actually happening.

I honestly do not fear for our marriage. I truly would feel comfortable letting him join us in full poly relationship if it develops naturally to that point. But I do know that as you both have said, I can only control myself and not our friend's emotions, or my wife's for that matter. So before this progresses to another level (if indeed it does), I want to sit down with my wife and friend and set boundaries and rules that we all can live within. Right now my wife is the key to all of this. I am treading softly with her so she doesn't bolt from him. I just hope he doesn't push her to quickly either.

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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by Samanthasman » Sat Dec 13, 2014 4:42 am

You sounds like a pretty level headed guy. I will also suggest another resource. My wife and I started seeing a kink friendly therapist. Like you we have a very solid marriage, however we wanted some third party perspective to help us rationally navigate this path. It turns out that our therapist is himself poly and has had 3 GFs for years, including one that is married. He's the kind of guy that could sit down with the 3 of you and help determine if everyone's head is right for this...
Last edited by Samanthasman on Sat Dec 13, 2014 11:20 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by D+D » Sat Dec 13, 2014 5:58 am

Mark, your story us very interesting and erotic. Please keep us updated as you progress. This would be awesome if everything works. This is also high risk. Your wife sounds solid, but your friend might end up not being the sharing type which could be uncomfortable. Had this fantasy years ago and could have possibly made it happen with a cousin who wanted my wife bad and had recently divorced. I didn't act on it because we had kids at home and had never discussed sharing her. She didn't know my desires until years later. Since she has become a hotwife she has told me that he made a move on her once that involved kissing and feeling her butt. She stopped it at that moment and nothing ever happened again. When I told her of the fantasy that i had back then, it turned her on. I missed a possible rare and very, very hot and erotic experience.

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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by co-husband » Sat Dec 13, 2014 11:15 am

Thank you Samanthasman & D+D,

Samanthasman...Yes, getting third party advice sounds like a good idea. We are not at that point yet but if I see it progressing I may suggest it. I do think that at the very least, all 3 of us should sit down and agree on boundaries and what we all want from a poly relationship, before it goes into sexual sharing.

D+D...you're right that my wife is solid and I really don't worry about our marriage even if we were to bring our friend deeper into it as a poly relationship (emotional and sexual). You're right too that he may have more selfish interests than sharing my own wife with me. If that turns out to be the case then this won't work (my wife wouldn't let it interrupt what she and I have together). But if he can be content with being the boyfriend (or even co-husband as I define that role) then he can experience benefits beyond his imagination. My wife is amazing. He could enjoy her emotional support as well as her hot body and intimate sex drive as long as he doesn't get too greedy. In my mind a once or twice a week sharing would be ideal for all 3 of us. We'll just have to see how it plays out. Currently we are at a point in the poly relationship where our friend and my wife share emotional intimacy through once a week lunch dates and daily texting. I leave them to those times of privacy. Other than handholding and hugs, there has not been more physical contact between them.

So far it's worked well.

Mark
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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by D+D » Sat Dec 13, 2014 11:37 am

:up: :up: Two thumbs up to you Mark. As a husband whose greatest fantasy (sharing my darling wife with other men) has come true, I envy the relationship that is developing between your wife and your friend. If it develops to include all three in a poly sexual relationship, wow, just wow. From what you say about the strength of your marriage ( and I completely believe you btw), if your friend respects you and your wife's marriage and intimacy, why would you need any counseling? I wish you the best and hope your friend realizes what a fabulous oppurtunity and privilege he has and what a very good friend you are.

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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by co-husband » Sat Dec 13, 2014 12:16 pm

Thank you D&D...Yes, our friend is a good man and I'm confident he respects our marriage. When he told my wife that he loved her, he did it more as a confession of his true feelings than trying to get her to be his wife. I think he just wanted her to be aware of what he was experiencing emotionally.

He really went through a rough time when his wife left him a year ago and frankly I feel sorry for him. It's not only erotic for me to let him spend time with my wife, but I truly like seeing his demeanor lighten when he is around her. As soon as my wife walks into the room I love looking at him look at her. Seeing him smile like a teenage boy who has a serious crush on the prom queen is priceless lol.

I'm confident that he understands our marriage boundaries and will not interfere in our marital relationship, but if we can simply incorporate him into a more intimate, 3-way relationship, I think all three of us would benefit in our own way. I truly believe that if my wife gets to the point where she feels safe taking the relationship to a more physical level, then the emotional and sexual intensity will be amazing!
I think he and I are ready for that, but we need to let my wife come along at her own pace. A year ago I never would have believed that a poly relationship with anyone was even possible. But seeing my wife being so open with him and allowing our friend to feed on her emotional attention, I think a sexual poly relationship is very possible.

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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by Mrfixitforyou » Sat Dec 13, 2014 7:10 pm

For Co Husband

First of all your friends wife left him. So what was wrong with him in the relationship? Do you think there is any chance that there is a little love transference going on here. If he in fact loved your wife for a long time why did she and you for that matter just hear of it now? Did he respect his wife more than he respects yours and did not bring it up while she was with him ?

Wanting to have a third person in your relationship is a monumental undertaking especially so far into the marriage. After thirty two years of marriage your wife may want to make a more permanent change. She knows you are wiling to share her. would let someone else fuck her, she may not think you love her anymore if you are willing to open her up to emotional distress and confusion.
Be very careful because she may want to dump both of you. Why would she want someone else after thirty two years of marriage having another person to learn may just be the complication that makes her want to live alone
Please be careful because she may think that you have been shining her on for the last thirty two years

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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by co-husband » Sun Dec 14, 2014 3:49 am

Hi Mrfixitforyou...thank you for your reply. You bring up some very good points.

Our friend's wife left him last year for another man. We had known them for about 10 years and from our experience with them, she had a bit of an odd personality and frankly she was the problem in their relationship. The way she dumped him really hurt him, and he actually is a very good man. Level-headed, smart and has a good personality. As friends, my wife and I just started letting him spend time with us as a way to help him get past the trauma of his divorce. So it was over those months that he developed his own emotional tie to my wife. It wasn't that he had been in love with my wife for years, but admitted to her not long ago that this past year he has fallen in love with her.

My wife is also very level-headed and is cautious about not harming our marriage first of all, but also not over-reacting to our friend's confession of his feelings for her. I mean not cutting him off totally and hurting him once again. So that's where my encouragement has kept them both at least meeting for lunch dates. He has realized that he needs to back off the "I love you" talk to my wife, and my wife has now processed in her own mind that our friend is relying on her for the female acceptance that he needs emotionally. I sense it is no longer awkward between them like it was the week or two after he admitted his love for my wife, and their relationship is more back to normal.

I view my role to be one of support for them both. Letting them each know that I am fine with their dating (my wife wouldn't yet call it dating lol..but that's what it is when they go out together alone). But she doesn't yet know that I am willing to let someone else fuck her. We have not discussed that, and I'm not sure that our friend even realizes that I am willing to let him have a sexual relationship with my wife, so my hope is that their dating will eventually lead to the sexual poly relationship happening naturally.

Mark
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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by Samanthasman » Sun Dec 14, 2014 4:59 am

I just don't like the "she does not know this, and he does not know that" approach.

Does he know that you know that he said "I love you"?

If you let this "grow naturally", the natural course of action would be for them to have an affair and possibly leave you behind. That's a far more natural and common occurrence than developing some sort of poly relationship among the three of you. If I wanted that to potentially occur I'd want everyone to be thinking in that direction or nothing.
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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by co-husband » Sun Dec 14, 2014 10:18 am

Hi Samanthasman....Good point. Yes my wife told him that she informed me that he said "I love you" to her. My reply was that I wasn't upset about it and that I understood he needs the emotional connection with a woman. I let my wife know that I was not jealous and that I encouraged her to continue to be that emotional support for him. So he does know that I'm aware that he has feelings for my wife, and she told him that I was "OK".

To your point though, I do admit that I don't know everything that they talk about or say when they are alone on their dates. I do read their text messages that they exchange every day. So far it is him telling my wife about the daily happenings in his life, and she replies as a friend would. (The only difference is of course it's not all that common for a man to exchange daily texts with another man's wife). He also compliments her often on how nice she looks (beautiful hair etc..). And honestly as far as I know neither he nor my wife know that I look at their texts on her phone.

So your point is well taken. I do believe at some point we all 3 need to sit down and talk openly about what it is we each want from this relationship. We may be closer to that point than I realize. I've never shared my wife this way with another man before, so I admit I'm new to this. One reason I asked for comments here, and I greatly appreciate them all. It really is helping me to understand the decisions I need to make.

Mark
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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by fraktastic » Sun Dec 14, 2014 1:39 pm

You need to talk one on one with your wife. There are plenty of ways for this to grow organically, most of of them sad for 2 or 3 of you. Don't try to talk with everybody before you get on the same page with your wife.

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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by D+D » Sun Dec 14, 2014 3:16 pm

From your information , it is perceived from that information, that you have a very strong marriage and a very faithful and kind wife. If that is indeed true, she will never have sexual relations with him because she would be deceiving you. She's already proved herself by telling you straight up your friend's feelings for her. The text messages have revealed no sign of infidelity. It will never "naturally" progress to sex. You will have to try and make that happen if that is what you truly, truly want. Notice I said you may "try" to make it happen. She may not do it at all. It's up to you to make the move. Just like it was for the majority of us who have hotwives.

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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by lagercandle2014 » Mon Dec 15, 2014 1:54 am

co-husband you keep on saying that the three of you should sit down and talk, this not a good idea at this moment rather you should sit down with your wife (as others have said) first and discuss how you both feel listen to her first then you can decide if she is interested in taking the friendship to a sexual level as you are trying to convince yourself and her this is what you both want to happen and I feel you are still a little unsure deep down.

I do not think your wife wants this to be the way forward and is very frightened that if she develops feelings for him it will lead to the breakup of your marriage which I feel is exactley what will happen as she looses respect and love for you because you wanted it.

Again I think all she wants is to help him to get over his divorce and move forward at the same time letting him down gently of his love for her as she does have these same feelings of that kind of love for him only to be a friend who cares for his well being.

Do not spoil what you both have in your marriage you may just ruin it all, I think she has as good as said this to you already (I think she may suspect you want to share her and is not keen for this to happen).

Sorry if this seems to abrupt I just don't like to read about good marriages breaking up as this happens so easily in this lifestyle.

Good luck
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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by co-husband » Mon Dec 15, 2014 12:39 pm

D+D and largecandle. I think your insights are spot on. The more I read the comments here, the more I think that it's probably true my wife doesn't really want to go beyond a very close friendship with him. I think he would take it to the physical at any moment that he felt she was signally her approval. And of course I would like that too. But I am afraid of suggesting it to my wife. I'm afraid we will lose the level of relationship that she and our friend have with each other up to this point.

If it doesn't go into a full poly relationship I will feel disappointed. But I guess I should be happy to experience seeing another man get emotional satisfaction from my wife. That IS a form of sharing. I just really envy you husbands who get to have the full hotwife or cuckold experience with your wife.

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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by D+D » Mon Dec 15, 2014 1:39 pm

Many of us that have hotwives had to tell our wives at some point about our fantasy. It took me many years to find the courage to do so. Then I had to convince her that it wasn't so I could play around. She's been with 7 different guys in 18 mos, one of them multiple times. She has never lost respect for me. Ours is not poly however, she has fwbs not a co-husband. She has told me that she is lucky to have me for a husband because i want her to have fun(I have fun too). You'll never know until you inquire of her what her feelings are. She may simply say no or she might show interest. You have a better feel of her possible reaction than anyone. Think about it before you just give up. I honestly don't think that she will lose respect for you though.

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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by Salsonero » Mon Dec 15, 2014 3:11 pm

D+D wrote:Think about it before you just give up. I honestly don't think that she will lose respect for you though.
First class advice. :up:

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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by co-husband » Tue Dec 16, 2014 4:23 am

Thanks to all of you for these posts. I'm so glad I found this site because I have a clearer view of our situation and am really considering how best to move forward. One thing I've learned through this is that I need to enjoy the moment and not waste too much mental energy trying to move my wife and friend the ultimate goal of a sexual poly. I have a man who is basically dating my wife! When I let myself stop and think on that, I get a lot of satisfaction and arousal from that fact alone.

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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by JRE » Tue Dec 16, 2014 4:31 am

Love is a word many people tiptoe around due to fear…fear of falling…fear of losing…fear of commitment…fear of understanding…fear of what others may think. Love in the traditional male-female context is the intense desire to be with someone every minute, and to consummate that desire with sexual activity. That kind of love is controlled and affected by every base instinct in the human body and reactions are so unpredictable. However, love is also a word used for affection, respect, and non-sexual desire for companionship, or in some cases, if the participants are in agreement, even sexual.

My wife had a long term boyfriend that she loved. He was not her first extramarital sex partner, so she was surprised that she developed feelings for him. Feelings she thought were too intense, and she couldn’t understand how she could “love” two men at the same time. As time went by, she rationalized that I was still the one she wanted to live with, to grow old with, to confide in, and to be with when the excitement of dating ebbed and wore thin. Perhaps it was a case of poly feelings in a semi-poly relationship, but whatever it was it worked for the two of us for a couple of years.

If your wife is like mine, able to understand who the “anchor” is in her life, she might find a sexual relationship that includes your friend is exactly what she prefers, or at least wishes to explore. I was able to make my wife understand that I never doubted her “love” for me, nor did I express any concerns about her “love” for him, and my feelings for her were never in question. I did not set any rules about her sexual activity with him and we freely discussed everything they did, both in bed and out. She didn’t have a close female friend that she was willing to share her other life with, so I was her sounding board whenever she needed another opinion.

I’m not going to play psychologist and tell you what to do, but in our case my wife told her boyfriend that she loved him and that she was thrilled that he loved her, but that I was her first love and that no matter where things went between him and her, her situation with me would not change. She told him that it made her feel good physically and emotionally to give him sexual pleasure, (an extension of female nurturing, I suppose), but that I was the one whose needs were met first. Fortunately, as many of you will understand, when she was being taken in bed by another man, I was also sexually satisfied.
You’ve already told him and your wife that you are okay with him “loving” her and sharing time with her, so the seed of sharing has been planted and is thriving. Though conduct has thus far been platonic, you can be assured that their minds are exploring and I’m certain each has had their own fantasy about a potential next step, and as long as both are aware that you would be also be okay with that next step, and unless one of you is adamantly opposed, it seems like a natural progression. It could take a month, or it could happen tomorrow.

Our first discussion about a possible poly arrangement came after I had just completed an exhausting day of yard work. I jokingly asked her why she didn't ask one of her playmates to come give me a hand. She was surprised to learn that I could accept another man often spending non-erotic times with us. She then admitted to me that she would enjoy having two men around in a comfortable, family-like arrangement. With that door open, we now view future relationships using different parameters. Both my wife and I would be thrilled to find a compatible third for a limited poly relationship, but finding a good match is extremely difficult. It sounds as if you have that issue mostly resolved. When I think of poly relationships, I recall two brothers in the small town where I grew up. Apparently they shared the wife of one of them in every way. As teens, we would scratch our heads when seeing her drive by with one or the other brother and sitting very close on the old style bench seats.

The only advice I have is an echo of what others have said…communication…communication filled with reassurance.

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Re: Another man loves my wife

Unread post by co-husband » Tue Dec 16, 2014 7:51 am

JRE thank you. You have articulated exactly how I feel about our situation. My wife is like yours in that she has expressed to both me and our friend that I am the one anchor in her life and she has no plans to replace me. When he admitted to her that he had developed deep feelings for her (was in love with her as he put it), her initial reaction was to make him understand the I am the main man in her life and she has no desire to change that. I was encouraged that she didn't stop seeing him totally after that. I would welcome your thoughts on this, but in my mind it tells me that she is open to a more intimate relationship with him as long as he understands that he will not be her husband, but at most an intimate friend. I think if she was going to recoil from the idea of having some type of intimate relationship with him, it would have been at that moment when he admitted his love for her. Do you agree?

Since his confession, I have assured him both personally and through my wife, that I am very okay with him having feelings for her and understand his situation, so he has no fear of me being a jealous husband. We have continued to host him in our home, we have gone out to dinner (all 3 of us) and my wife continues to meet with him once a week alone for lunch. (At one of our recent dinner dates, I excused myself to go to the men's room and when I returned they were holding hands across the table. I don't know what the topic of discussion was while I was gone but apparently it prompted them to hold hands. I was VERY encouraged to see that physical touch.)

So I still think that every day that this type of connection continues with our friend, my wife is becoming more comfortable with having a solid marriage with me, but also allowing another man to be part of our intimacy at least at some level. I appreciated how you worded it:

"Though conduct has thus far been platonic, you can be assured that their minds are exploring and I’m certain each has had their own fantasy about a potential next step, and as long as both are aware that you would be also be okay with that next step, and unless one of you is adamantly opposed, it seems like a natural progression. It could take a month, or it could happen tomorrow"

Thank you for that,

Mark
Officially became a husband of a hotwife on February 13, 2015!

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