LakeDistrictCouple wrote:This is directed to Mia - Thank you for your thoughts. We have only read forums like this to gleam some insights to a lifestyle that contains three adults living together.
Obviously when three people are discussing the practicalities of setting up such an arrangement we are all enthusiastic and very, very positive about the whole thing. When the reality exists there will undoubtedly be difficulties, difficulties we don't perceive yet. It would be really helpful Mia if you would be willing to illuminate some of your experiences to help us avoid potential mistakes right from the start. These could be communicated here or privatly via email if you were willing to help us?
Thanks
R & L
In my two long-term MFM Vees (with me as the "pivot," which means: I had sex with both men but they did not have sex with each other), we really didn't have all that many difficulties...or maybe a much better way of saying would be that the ones we
did have, we worked through pretty efficiently, and without any kind of human (or kitty cat!
) harm.
In each case, the three of us were all dealing with people who were being honest and open with each other. Nothing important was being withheld, and there was a very long three-person "courtship" in each case, so going in we all knew what sorts of difficulties we were likely to face.
Each Vee happened step-by-step and over a longish period of time so there was no radical change in any of our lives by the time we all shared the same legal address. As that initial process unfolded, all the important information about finances, etc. was being disclosed, also in a step-by-step way.
In my first Vee, the man involved was substantially younger than I am and he was completing the educational part of his life. Because of this, my husband and I bought a second home out of state, in the town where the other man lived, though my husband never lived there and was in that place only once. While the other man finished his education, he and I lived in that second home, and when he was not at school, he and I lived with my husband in my home state. Because he was still a student, the finances were simplified and we took care of the legalities (Powers of Attorney, Durable Health Care Powers of Attorney, etc.) as wisdom indicated during that period of time.
I caution anyone who is going into a new relationship to be very careful about "taking care of the legalities," and this is meant both in a positive
and in a negative way. There is a balance here, and it needs to be heeded or you could find yourself in a great deal of long-lasting devastation if something goes very wrong (such as: the third person has ulterior motives or is otherwise untrustworthy).
Powers of Attorney can be restricted to specific actions, or they can be "general." I recommend beginning with restrictive Powers of Attorney: the third person has signature authority in
this case or in
that case, but in no other situation. (I actually used several Powers of Attorney when someone granted me temporary custody of their children, so I would have the authority to get the children needed medical treatment or whatever else they needed, and in one case, so I could take their minor children across international borders and to another country for a trip.)
General Powers of Attorney give that person all the same legal authority over you and your assets as
you have, so this should
NEVER be done unless and until all parties
KNOW they can trust each other! This may well take a great deal of time: more than two years in the case of both my first Vee and my second.
So far as finances went, we started out with everything as it was before the expanded relationship began and then, step by step, began mingling things. For me, in my first Vee, it was a joint checking account in the town where that man and I lived. Throughout both of my Vees, vehicles were titled or retitled according to outer realities like insurance complications, tax consequences, etc. (In my second Vee, the man has substantial vision problems which he was born with and his driver's license had always been restricted to him driving only between sunrise and sunset. Because of this, the three of us began minging vehicles almost immediately after we moved in together because it greatly simplified insurance matters.)
For both of my Vees, tax and inheritance complications were taken into consideration as the need arose: buying a house, buying a new car, etc.
I want to emphasize that both I and my husband could totally trust both of the men with whom I was involved in poly relationships, and we still can totally trust both of those men to this moment. For example: right now, I would have no hesitation whatever having either of those men decide when and if to "pull the plug" on my life. The same can be said for financial matters as well. Both men were and are totally trustworthy. (I pick poly partners well!
).
But for others who are contemplating poly relationships, the necessary prerequisite to this is that you must pick partners worthy of being granted access to your most intimate legal realities and assets. If you grant someone who is untrustworthy signature power over your financial, legal, and actual biological life, you are in danger of not only losing everything you have ever had up to this point, but you can be plunged into an unbelievable nightmare that could possibly last for all the rest of your life. Be wise and be careful.
Never ever grant a poly partner this kind of power unless and until they have proved themselves to be absolutely totally trustworthy and working for
your best interests.
It is not necessary to mingle finances beyond a certain minimal point: financially and legally, you
always have the option of having a poly partner be, from a legal and financial standpoint, nothing more than a housemate (assuming you all live together). In many poly relationships, this would probably be the preferable option and, in fact, in the majority of poly relationship I know about, this is the way it is.
In my case, both of the "other men" were considered--by all three of us--to be husbands of mine. For us, especially after a number of years of living together as a family, "spouse power" was what felt right and just.
This varies according to the people involved. Even in the best poly relationships outside of my own, the partners may never rise to this level of responsibility and commitment. Be
exceedingly cautious before you grant access or sign away your own power over your own life (or your spouse's). Or power over your finances. Or anything which could possibly impact your credit rating.
I think this is getting too long now so I'm going to bring it to a close. Thanks LakeDistrictCouple...you've pointed out some things that needed to be discussed and I am grateful.
Mia
EDITED TO ADD:
I was just informed by a reader on this board who is an attorney that my words might be construed as me attempting to practice law without a license. I had no such intent. I do think that people who are contemplating poly relationships, and most especially live-in poly relationships, need to be aware of possible legal and financial considerations and pitfalls.
Toward this end, I suggest that, if and when poly relationships begin to enter the areas where the financial and legal areas of life become germane, that anyone considering this check into the information and publications of Nolo Press
http://www.nolopress.com. I have used a variety of Nolo Press publications for many years and have found them to be excellent in every way: they are frequently revised, are easy to read and understand, are authoritative, and they do a good job covering the laws of the different states. Regarding poly relationships, I particularly recommend Nolo's
Living Together: A Legal Guide for Unmarried Couples, as well as their books on Power of Attorney, Wills and Estate Planning, and Trusts of various kinds.
And although I never did it, it would probably also be in order for anyone thinking about a live-in poly relationship to at least consult with an attorney in your area who is experienced in dealing with people whose lifestyles (particularly their sexual lifestyles) are outside the norm. (In alt sexuality lists of recommended professionals, these are sometimes described as "kink friendly" or "kink aware.") This is probably extremely wise if pregnancy during the poly relationship could occur. (This was never a consideration for me since I had my tubes tied when I was in my very early twenties.)
I just Googled "kink friendly professional" and "kink aware professional" and I found the results most interesting. At the very least, this is a place to start.