Hotwife vs Polyamory

[ChristyHotwife]

My husband and I have been in the hotwife lifestyle over 3 years, which he claims this is female led. I didn't become a hotwife over night, it was a long process of research and finding what worked for me.

For the second time now my husband has expressed his desire for me and my lover to evolve into more of a polyamory style relationship, having a boyfriend who I date regularly and develop feelings for. His fantacy is for me to fall in love, and that this lover will share me with other men while being committed to me. My husband has gone as far as to choose this suiter, one of my long term bulls, and have discussions about this with him stating that he is "trying to talk his wife into it".

Now I have a lot of mixed feelings about this situation. I recently wrote on my blog that these feelings and pressure of pushing my boundaries have me wanting to hang up my hotwife hat. My feelings have become a subject of contention in our house, as I seem to be the only apprehensive party in this three way poly relationship. I had said I would open my mind to the possibility, which I have, but has anyone had experience with this style of evolvement?

[2inUPMichigan]

Welcome to OHW ChristyHotwife

I see, so your husband has chosen who you are going to have feelings for....right? He has discussed it with this other man and said he is "trying to talk his wife into it"....and yet he claims your hotwife lifestyle is female led.

Yeah I'm not seeing that. What I'm reading into this is a guy who is a "director" who wants to orchestrate everything to fit into his fantasy. He is topping from the bottom.

I could be wrong however since I am not in a poly relationship. I'm sure you will get lots of great advice from those that are already in poly relationships.

[CurvyNerdMILF]

Hotwifing is in a poorly defined place relative to other forms of nonmonogamy. Some couples start out monogamish, where they enjoy occasional assignations (either the HW solo or with the husband) as a way to spice up their shared life. Some start out with the expectation that the wife’s lovers are all one-offs, FBs, or FWBs, and guard against more intense emotional attachments. Others are hierarchical poly from the start—as poly/mono, a triad, or a marriage that is open to multiple lovers on both sides with emotional attachments. And from those, sometimes couples will move into relationship anarchy, where the husband and wife’s marriage is given no more weight than the other relationships the wife (typically) engages in. Many HW couples move among these patterns over the course of their relationship.

Here’s the thing, though—no relationship can be successfully forced to fit into a particular form of attachment or intensity by even the participants, much less a person secondary to them.

I hear from you a sense of concern that your husband is trying to do exactly that. There are at least two separate issues here that are being sort of smooshed together: whether to open your heart to having deeper emotional connections to lovers (polyamory) and who gets to select your lovers. Your husband seems not to understand polyamory very well if he thinks he can pick who you share your heart with, much less your bed. Healthy polyamory has at its core that each partner recognizes that they do not own the sexuality or heart of their partner(s). In your position, I would initiate an ongoing conversation with your husband on the following questions: What is it about polyamory that calls out to him? What does polyamory mean to him? Is he willing to learn more with you about what it is and how it works? Why does he think he can make decisions about who you love and how much time and energy you spend on that relationship? Which needs of his is he trying to meet this way? And then tell him how it feels to have him say that he has made unilateral decisions about your body and heart. You might want to use an (imperfect) metaphor that shows the logical flaws in his plan. I’d compare it to a situation like this: a Queen is going to have a party, and she meets with the King and the kitchen staff to discuss the menu. They have prepared for her samples of numerous dishes. While the Queen is excited by the variety of samples and is playing with the idea of having a meal with a similar array of small, tasty items, the King decides that he wants the Queen to have a sit-down banquet. The King says that it’s the Queen’s party, but he takes charge and starts setting the more narrow menu for the banquet.

I hope that’s helpful. It sounds like a difficult situation. I think that your husband has some complicated feelings and emotional needs that he doesn’t know how to express. He may need help unpacking them, and it might be a good time for you to find a sex-positive therapist with ENM and poly experience. Good luck!

[SSQ]

That isn't polyamory. That sounds pretty gross, actually.

You are not a doll for him to live out his fantasies. Full stop. If you don't want to do something, it should be a no, again full stop.

Secondly, if he is trying to talk either of you into what he thinks is polyamory? It's not. You can't make people fall in love. Relationships should find their own level. If there is no natural desire to build a deeper connection with this partner, then forcing it is just going to make everyone unhappy. That's not how life works, that's not how the human heart works. He's much more likely to cost you a good sex partner or else create a relationship built on lies.

Love is NOT A PROP in someone's fantasies. Let's say for the sake of argument, that you did fall in love with this guy? Then what? Your husband still sounds like he wants to be in control of a relationship HE IS NOT EVEN IN. Since he is not romantically involved with your partner, this isn't a threeway poly relationship. It's a vee- two separate relationships (note that even if he was romantically involved with your partner that he would still have no say in your side, and it's not a single threeway relationship but four- A+B, A+C, B+C, A+B+C, and if you don't pay attention to all four relationships, it's not going to last). A healthy poly relationship would not give your husband any reasonable kind of say in your relationship with your partner. You'd have your own agreements, but I'm betting what he would think is a reasonable agreement would actually continue to relegate your partner to a second class relationship, which isn't fair.

There are so very many things wrong with this picture. Tell your husband no, full stop. If at some point in the future YOU want to have a poly relationship because you and a partner have developed feelings for one another, I'll post some articles here for you so you can start to build a healthy vee relationship.

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the ... f67abbbd49
https://www.morethantwo.com/polycatintro.html
https://polyamory.com/forums/poly-relat ... -corner.4/

I'd also recommend the book Polysecure as well as Opening Up.

[mjb0007bond]

ChristyHotwife, "I recently wrote on my blog". Could I follow your blog?

[Cherrypopper+]

I think if you do proceed into a poly relationship it has to be your choice and with who you develop feelings for.
I've been in three poly relationships over the years. The first one turned out to be a disaster, while the last two were wonderful.
My last one was very nice and we were very much in love. This was with Greg a guy close to my own age.
The difference here is that I knew him for several years before while his wife was sick with cancer and we became good friends.
After his wife died, we started going out for lunch and then to dinner and then I finally told him about our "arrangement ".
We ended up having sex but I knew I wanted more than just a sexual relationship with him from the start. Many men have trouble being the "second husband".
Our relationship developed quickly and we soon both fell in love.
I would stay over at his house about every other weekend and after we both retired sometimes during the week.
When I was with him, we were man and wife. To me, my weekends with Greg were wonderful.
When I was at his house, it was like a mini-vacation, I didn't have to worry about paying bills or cleaning house.
Just relaxation and making love.
When I would get home my husband would be so glad to see me and we would usually make love some more.
Also, I think, being away from each other some times is good for any couple, especially if they are both retired.
I do think it was good for our marriage and hopefully I will find another co-husband someday.
I have just been with young guys since Greg moved away, great sex but little emotional involvement.
In my experience and from talking to other women, the men that are likely to get in involved in a poly situation tend to be in some transition in their life.
With Greg it was being recently widowed. Sometimes the other guy is recently divorced. But they always move on.
No man wants to be a permanent second husband. My longest has been about two years but I've had purely sexual relationships that have gone on much longer.
I do feel it is normal for a woman to love more than one man. It took me and my husband a long time to realize that but once we did it was wonderful,
but any relationship like that has a lot of emotional aspects to it. When we were in our twenties, I don't think either one of us could have handled it. But keep us informed. We hope everything works out.

[Whodathought]

That isn't polyamory. That sounds pretty gross, actually.

You are not a doll for him to live out his fantasies. Full stop. If you don't want to do something, it should be a no, again full stop.

Secondly, if he is trying to talk either of you into what he thinks is polyamory? It's not. You can't make people fall in love. Relationships should find their own level. If there is no natural desire to build a deeper connection with this partner, then forcing it is just going to make everyone unhappy. That's not how life works, that's not how the human heart works. He's much more likely to cost you a good sex partner or else create a relationship built on lies.

Love is NOT A PROP in someone's fantasies. Let's say for the sake of argument, that you did fall in love with this guy? Then what? Your husband still sounds like he wants to be in control of a relationship HE IS NOT EVEN IN. Since he is not romantically involved with your partner, this isn't a threeway poly relationship. It's a vee- two separate relationships (note that even if he was romantically involved with your partner that he would still have no say in your side, and it's not a single threeway relationship but four- A+B, A+C, B+C, A+B+C, and if you don't pay attention to all four relationships, it's not going to last). A healthy poly relationship would not give your husband any reasonable kind of say in your relationship with your partner. You'd have your own agreements, but I'm betting what he would think is a reasonable agreement would actually continue to relegate your partner to a second class relationship, which isn't fair.

There are so very many things wrong with this picture. Tell your husband no, full stop. If at some point in the future YOU want to have a poly relationship because you and a partner have developed feelings for one another, I'll post some articles here for you so you can start to build a healthy vee relationship.

https://medium.com/@PolyamorySchool/the ... f67abbbd49
https://www.morethantwo.com/polycatintro.html
https://polyamory.com/forums/poly-relat ... -corner.4/

I'd also recommend the book Polysecure as well as Opening Up.

Yeah...I'd have to say, I kind of agree. You need to really sit with this and evaluate his motives, and whether he is truly considering YOU in this situation.

[Alleyes]

Polyamory is a big, big step.

My wife has been shared for 16 years, and there have only been 4 consecutive guys. She does not want strangers and she prefers a "happily married" guy who has inadequate sex at home - it's seems to be a common problem when one half of a marriage loses interest, cannot perform, etc. With each guy, she has had to first develop a close relationship because she wants more than a day of good sex. She also only does bareback and with only 4 people in the mix - her, me, him and his wife (who may not know or care), it's a pretty tight group. Married men are more discreet than single guys may be, and they usually know how to treat a lady.

We enjoy a threesome relationship - sometimes I watch, sometimes I participate, sometimes we take turns and sometimes we double team and pamper her. On rare occasion it's a sleepover. But my wife likes to be in her own home, her own marital bed, be as vocal as she wants, and enjoy the afterglow. There is always a meal, usually lunch, another session after lunch, a shower and then he goes home to his wife at his normal time just like any other day.

In effect the guy is a boyfriend, and everyone is happy.

[Alleyes]

Polyamory is a big, big step.

My wife has been shared for 16 years, and there have only been 4 consecutive guys. She does not want strangers and she prefers a "happily married" guy who has inadequate sex at home - it's seems to be a common problem when one half of a marriage loses interest, cannot perform, etc. With each guy, she has had to first develop a close relationship because she wants more than a day of good sex. She also only does bareback and with only 4 people in the mix - her, me, him and his wife (who may not know or care), it's a pretty tight group. Married men are more discreet than single guys may be, and they usually know how to treat a lady.

We enjoy a threesome relationship - sometimes I watch, sometimes I participate, sometimes we take turns and sometimes we double team and pamper her. On rare occasion it's a sleepover. But my wife likes to be in her own home, her own marital bed, be as vocal as she wants, and enjoy the afterglow. There is always a meal, usually lunch, another session after lunch, a shower and then he goes home to his wife at his normal time just like any other day.

In effect the guy is a boyfriend, and everyone is happy.

[Des 31]

My husband and I have been in the hotwife lifestyle over 3 years, which he claims this is female led. I didn't become a hotwife over night, it was a long process of research and finding what worked for me.

For the second time now my husband has expressed his desire for me and my lover to evolve into more of a polyamory style relationship, having a boyfriend who I date regularly and develop feelings for. His fantacy is for me to fall in love, and that this lover will share me with other men while being committed to me. My husband has gone as far as to choose this suiter, one of my long term bulls, and have discussions about this with him stating that he is "trying to talk his wife into it".

Now I have a lot of mixed feelings about this situation. I recently wrote on my blog that these feelings and pressure of pushing my boundaries have me wanting to hang up my hotwife hat. My feelings have become a subject of contention in our house, as I seem to be the only apprehensive party in this three way poly relationship. I had said I would open my mind to the possibility, which I have, but has anyone had experience with this style of evolvement?

My wife and I think it would be a bad idea for either of us to do something either of us is uncomfortable with. She wouldn't be happy at all if I pushed her into anything, and I allow her to make the decisions. I'm reasonably sure she would stop seeing other men altogether if I pushed her into a situation she wasn't eager to pursue.

Des

[Msn75]

Cool thread. Agree with others here. If my Hotwife decides she wants to have a real relationship with someone and become Poly, that is 100% her decision. I have told her that I will absolutely support her with whatever she wants to do with her body, feelings and emotions, but ultimately it is up to her!

[BeNatural]

Here’s the thing, though—no relationship can be successfully forced to fit into a particular form of attachment or intensity by even the participants, much less a person secondary to them.

This is a very interesting statement. I do ponder this a bit. I've dated in a large poly community for over 10 years. If I were to write a review, it would be mixed.

I often think the FWB level, or poly-lite is my favorite. Regarding that stellar statement, I think that while feelings cannot be controlled, behavior can be controlled. I think this would apply more to being able to keep a "glass ceiling" on the romantic side of a relationship, if a person wanted to themselves. Meaning, they'd choose to keep within certain behavior limits, even if they felt feelings. I think this is much easier when someone already has a spouse that they love, rather than when totally single.

I suspect that not many people agree with me, but I've seen a couple of people post similar things online already.

[BeNatural]

.
In my experience and from talking to other women, the men that are likely to get in involved in a poly situation tend to be in some transition in their life.
With Greg it was being recently widowed. Sometimes the other guy is recently divorced. But they always move on.
No man wants to be a permanent second husband.

There's some tremendous insight right here. I was a lover to a poly married woman for almost 7 years. I was one of her 3 boyfriends, aside from her husband. I was looking for a spouse of my own, and she knew this. I'm also an entrepreneur, and you could say that I was in transition to some extent.

I think there's 2 other types of guys that would stay available for a long time, to be a secondary, or a nearly equal partner.

1. Guys on the autistic spectrum that are high functioning. They like to have plenty of time for their special interest hobby and appreciate more time alone. Also, they can keep analyzing everything with lots of logic, and therefore the poly choice makes sense longer.

2. Guys that like being able to date multiple women and don't want to settle down. How long will they do this? Some might do it for more than 10 years. I think most will eventually want a spouse though. Is this type of guy just an example of "guys in transition"? Maybe, but I'm talking about the ones that make a lifestyle out of it.

[SSQ]

I think there's 2 other types of guys that would stay available for a long time, to be a secondary, or a nearly equal partner.

1. Guys on the autistic spectrum that are high functioning. They like to have plenty of time for their special interest hobby and appreciate more time alone. Also, they can keep analyzing everything with lots of logic, and therefore the poly choice makes sense longer.

2. Guys that like being able to date multiple women and don't want to settle down. How long will they do this? Some might do it for more than 10 years. I think most will eventually want a spouse though. Is this type of guy just an example of "guys in transition"? Maybe, but I'm talking about the ones that make a lifestyle out of it.

Or

3. Guys who just want the woman they love to be herself and pursue life in a way that makes her happy.

Lots of poly men will be just fine with it, especially if we aren't discussing one sided relationships. There's a much larger pool of poly men to fish in.

[Iamshared]

I am a hotwife but i am now looking for lovers for long term relationships. Ideally one man and woman as seperate lovers. My hubby is very encoraging of this.

[shirley]

[quote=Iamshared post_id=1416860 time=1689802983 user_id=?
I am a hotwife but i am now looking for lovers for long term relationships. Ideally one man and woman as seperate lovers. My hubby is very encoraging of this.
[/quote]

I am curious what role does your hubby play This is all new to us. Does your hubby have lovers?