Wife Wants Temporary Exclusivity With Boyfriend

[R_H_NC]

We obviously differ. What would a doom and gloom message look like to you?

"It's absolutely over for you too (sic) as you're not really poly...she's decided to pursue another partner and you allowed her to and they will be moving forward without you. That is an absolute certainty

"Your marriage is over if you enter into a non sexual relationship with your wife.


"it’s a certain bigger disaster if you step aside for a couple months and let her do her thing."



"Pretty dangerous ground you are standing on. You won her over once, you need to do it again." (from Armyguyot1) Sorry, this one isn’t even close to being ‘doom and gloom’.

[BigHotMess]

Seems to me that she's already shown and told you that her desire for you has "waned". How is her "bonding" closer with another man going to restore that desire?

That’s quite possible. But it’s also possible that Gina is enthralled by her lover like a kid with a new toy. She may tire of him as the newness fades. I’m in no hurry to rush out and assume our marriage is finished. I’ll be patient for the time being. If ultimately things don’t change, at least I’ll know I did everything I could to save my marriage.

Things do not change by hoping that they will change.

Exactly... Which is why I told Gina to tell me when she wants to make love with me again. I'm putting the onus on her. If she doesn't initiate anything after the two months pass, I will reevaluate matters. What don't want to do is to start hounding her for intimacy. If she doesn't desire me, then I'm not looking for "mercy sex."

Communication is key. Is she aware that there are some rather significant re-evaluation points coming up? What would the outcome of certain actions likely entail?

[Christinebitg]

We obviously differ. What would a doom and gloom message look like to you?

"It's absolutely over for you too (sic) as you're not really poly...she's decided to pursue another partner and you allowed her to and they will be moving forward without you. That is an absolute certainty

"Your marriage is over if you enter into a non sexual relationship with your wife.


"it’s a certain bigger disaster if you step aside for a couple months and let her do her thing."



"Pretty dangerous ground you are standing on. You won her over once, you need to do it again." (from Armyguyot1) Sorry, this one isn’t even close to being ‘doom and gloom’.

Okay, fair enough. What's your opinion on the previous three?

[R_H_NC]

Okay, fair enough. What's your opinion on the previous three?

Look at the changes I made to the three. As originally posted, they presented a stated opinion and possible negative outcomes. As changed, it presented a negative out come as a certainty.

Original: "It's likely over for you too as you're not really poly...she's decided to pursue another partner and you allowed her to and they most likely will be moving forward without you. I hope I'm wrong for your sake but I would put money on the other outcome in a betting scenario." (from BBCfan)

Doom and gloom version: "It's absolutely over for you too (sic) as you're not really poly...she's decided to pursue another partner and you allowed her to and they will be moving forward without you. That is an absolute certainty

Original: "I would agree with those who advocate to tread lightly if you enter into a non sexual relationship with your wife.
It just seems pretty basic that you have to have something that maintains the connection and intimacy between you two, that is agreeable to you both." (from mundyman)

Doom and gloom version: "Your marriage is over if you enter into a non sexual relationship with your wife.

Original: "in my opinion it’s an even bigger disaster if you step aside for a couple months and let her do her thing." (from Sharedherlots)

Doom and gloom version: "it’s a certain bigger disaster if you step aside for a couple months and let her do her thing."

[Whosbeensleeping]

I think this post is dealing with a very central question (that I may have trouble articulating.) I really appreciate SSQ's nuanced reflections. I'm going to reread this thread a few times I suspect. The concept of investment rings very true to me. I think it's a great lens for understanding the dynamics. I'm wrestling with this issue at bit myself and hope to have more to say as I get clearer on it.

[FNQLivin]

The elephant in the room is that for Polyamory to work, all participants need to want to be in it.

I appreciate SSQ's perspective because she's in that form of relationship and all parties knew this. No one was left out or behind.

I am struggling with the correct words, so apologies in advance if this doesn't make sense or offends. If it does, I apologise for that caused.

In this case, Gina has a husband and a boyfriend. She has the best of both Worlds (if that is what she was seeking). Her love for her husband has not diminished, but her desire for him has. She gets excitement from her new boyfriend and the stability and love of her husband. One of the ways that people show their love for each other is in physical intimacy and time. I can just be 'around' my partner and feel content. When she is not with me, I feel no loss, because I know she's out doing her normal stuff. Even if we are not physical with each other, we can communicate and be with each other.

In this case, the husband has by its very nature lost both the time and the intimacy. When she's not at home, she's not out with friends or shopping or working, she's with her boyfriend. Her attention is (rightly) focused on them and their time. If I was her boyfriend I'd be disappointed if she was spending time thinking about her husband when we were together. This is now obviously more than a physical relationship, they like each other and have more than just sex.

Meanwhile, the husband is potentially alone and the one thing he had which allowed him to reconnect with his wife, their physical intimacy, is now off limits. For sure, they can hold hands, touch, kiss, but how long before that becomes off limits too. After all, kissing, holding and touching are ways of expressing affection, but they're also shows of intimacy that lead to more.

If I entered a relationship where it was known that this was expected I would not complain. For it to happen out of the blue like this I'd find harder to take.

Anyway, just my take.

[Christinebitg]

Okay, fair enough. What's your opinion on the previous three?

Look at the changes I made to the three. As originally posted, they presented a stated opinion and possible negative outcomes. As changed, it presented a negative out come as a certainty.

Original: "It's likely over for you too as you're not really poly...she's decided to pursue another partner and you allowed her to and they most likely will be moving forward without you. I hope I'm wrong for your sake but I would put money on the other outcome in a betting scenario." (from BBCfan)

Doom and gloom version: "It's absolutely over for you too (sic) as you're not really poly...she's decided to pursue another partner and you allowed her to and they will be moving forward without you. That is an absolute certainty

Original: "I would agree with those who advocate to tread lightly if you enter into a non sexual relationship with your wife.
It just seems pretty basic that you have to have something that maintains the connection and intimacy between you two, that is agreeable to you both." (from mundyman)

Doom and gloom version: "Your marriage is over if you enter into a non sexual relationship with your wife.

Original: "in my opinion it’s an even bigger disaster if you step aside for a couple months and let her do her thing." (from Sharedherlots)

Doom and gloom version: "it’s a certain bigger disaster if you step aside for a couple months and let her do her thing."

Okay, so let see if I have this right.

As originally posted, those comments were merely negative, but not catastrophic.

Would that be a fair assessment of your opinion?

[R_H_NC]

Okay, fair enough. What's your opinion on the previous three?

Look at the changes I made to the three. As originally posted, they presented a stated opinion and possible negative outcomes. As changed, it presented a negative out come as a certainty.

Original: "It's likely over for you too as you're not really poly...she's decided to pursue another partner and you allowed her to and they most likely will be moving forward without you. I hope I'm wrong for your sake but I would put money on the other outcome in a betting scenario." (from BBCfan)

Doom and gloom version: "It's absolutely over for you too (sic) as you're not really poly...she's decided to pursue another partner and you allowed her to and they will be moving forward without you. That is an absolute certainty

Original: "I would agree with those who advocate to tread lightly if you enter into a non sexual relationship with your wife.
It just seems pretty basic that you have to have something that maintains the connection and intimacy between you two, that is agreeable to you both." (from mundyman)

Doom and gloom version: "Your marriage is over if you enter into a non sexual relationship with your wife.

Original: "in my opinion it’s an even bigger disaster if you step aside for a couple months and let her do her thing." (from Sharedherlots)

Doom and gloom version: "it’s a certain bigger disaster if you step aside for a couple months and let her do her thing."

Okay, so let see if I have this right.

As originally posted, those comments were merely negative, but not catastrophic.

Would that be a fair assessment of your opinion?

Yes if by negative you mean not "go for it", "it'll all work out", "it's her decision"; then yes negative. In truth I look at them as cogent, realistic examples and warnings about possible negative short and long term effects of the request.

[ConfusedHubby65]

Interesting development… Last night, my wife Gina practically raped me, to my delight. The amazing thing is that I really felt that she desired me, rather than me telling her I needed intimacy with her.

This morning, I broached the subject of her wanting temporary exclusivity with her boyfriend Bill. She told me that this had come from her boyfriend, but that she was afraid to tell me that for fear that I would confront him and torch their relationship.

Anyway, turns out my wife and her boyfriend had an argument over this very topic, as she is not someone who responds well to attempts at control—from anyone. So, at this point, the ball’s in her boyfriend’s court as to whether this exclusivity thing is a dealbreaker or not. Either way, at least I know that Gina still truly loves and desires me.

[anonymister1948]

I hope along with the wonderful news of having sex with Gina, she also sees that communication with you has been lacking. This is a great opportunity to re-establish trust and communication. Trust that you won't blow up her relationship based on what her boyfriend asks her and trust that she will be more honest in the future and no longer lie by omission. If she had told you the truth, how do you think you'd have reacted? Talk about that. My guess is, if you had known this was all her boyfriend's idea, you would have simply said no - not blow up their relationship.

[Christinebitg]

Interesting development… Last night, my wife Gina practically raped me, to my delight. The amazing thing is that I really felt that she desired me, rather than me telling her I needed intimacy with her.

This morning, I broached the subject of her wanting temporary exclusivity with her boyfriend Bill. She told me that this had come from her boyfriend, but that she was afraid to tell me that for fear that I would confront him and torch their relationship.

Anyway, turns out my wife and her boyfriend had an argument over this very topic, as she is not someone who responds well to attempts at control—from anyone. So, at this point, the ball’s in her boyfriend’s court as to whether this exclusivity thing is a dealbreaker or not. Either way, at least I know that Gina still truly loves and desires me.

I'm glad to hear how that all happened.

Now think a little more about what happened. I'm sure you've replayed the event in your mind a number of times since it happened.

How does it feel to be on the receiving end of a revenge fuck from your wife? She desired (and got) sex with you because she was pissed at her boyfriend.

[BBCfan]

Interesting development… Last night, my wife Gina practically raped me, to my delight. The amazing thing is that I really felt that she desired me, rather than me telling her I needed intimacy with her.

This morning, I broached the subject of her wanting temporary exclusivity with her boyfriend Bill. She told me that this had come from her boyfriend, but that she was afraid to tell me that for fear that I would confront him and torch their relationship.

Anyway, turns out my wife and her boyfriend had an argument over this very topic, as she is not someone who responds well to attempts at control—from anyone. So, at this point, the ball’s in her boyfriend’s court as to whether this exclusivity thing is a dealbreaker or not. Either way, at least I know that Gina still truly loves and desires me.

Awesome development...congrats on getting some very helpful clarity on this challenging situation. Hope it continues to be a step in a healthy direction for you both.

I was curious about something else you mentioned earlier. Why do you only desire sex with wife once a week or so? I think we're similar in age and I'd be happy to have sex daily if I was able.

Have you had your testosterone levels checked?

[BigHotMess]

It’s extremely concerning that he’s trying to cut you out. You need to increase your communication tenfold to make sure this doesn’t happen again

[PANTIES]

Last year my wife stay at his place for a month and we had very little communication. I was invited twice to come to his place for dinner. Each time when dinner was finished she would say she’s going to take a shower and for us to talk. When she finished her shower she had fresh makeup, tank top and panties. Then she would sit on his lap sharing his glass of wine. Shortly there after she would tell me their tired and wanted to go to bed. That was my clue it’s time to leave.

Earlier this year he wanted to take her to France for two months as he and his brother owe a home in south France. But with Covid surge the trip was postponed.

So that’s about the exclusivity I’ve had to deal with. She spends as much time with him when he’s in town.

Pauline

[MarshaA]

I've never liked the idea of polyandry. I think that hotwifing or even swinging, can be a great way to spice up a marriage, but cutting one partner out of the deal isn't my idea of spicing things up.

[SSQ]

I've never liked the idea of polyandry. I think that hotwifing or even swinging, can be a great way to spice up a marriage, but cutting one partner out of the deal isn't my idea of spicing things up.

How is polyandry cutting one partner out?

[PANTIES]

I've never liked the idea of polyandry. I think that hotwifing or even swinging, can be a great way to spice up a marriage, but cutting one partner out of the deal isn't my idea of spicing things up.
[/quote

This is the hand that’s been deal to me and I have learned to make the best of it. When we are together its husband and wife in appearance only. We don’t share the same bedroom. It was a big issue with me until I got counseling and she told me I have to deal with our new lifestyle. She almost when to southern France this pass summer for two months her lover and brother own a home there. Covid stopped that trip.

Pauline

[R_H_NC]

I've never liked the idea of polyandry. I think that hotwifing or even swinging, can be a great way to spice up a marriage, but cutting one partner out of the deal isn't my idea of spicing things up.

How is polyandry cutting one partner out?

Well, it might not describe the lifestyle in general but it certainly does in this instance.

[BigHotMess]

Where one partner is actively working against another partner isn’t poly anything. It’s being involved with a fucking loser.

[MarshaA]

I've never liked the idea of polyandry. I think that hotwifing or even swinging, can be a great way to spice up a marriage, but cutting one partner out of the deal isn't my idea of spicing things up.

How is polyandry cutting one partner out?

I never said that polyandry is cutting one partner out.

[MarshaA]

I've never liked the idea of polyandry. I think that hotwifing or even swinging, can be a great way to spice up a marriage, but cutting one partner out of the deal isn't my idea of spicing things up.

How is polyandry cutting one partner out?

Well, it might not describe the lifestyle in general but it certainly does in this instance.

Bingo!

[Christinebitg]

I've never liked the idea of polyandry. I think that hotwifing or even swinging, can be a great way to spice up a marriage, but cutting one partner out of the deal isn't my idea of spicing things up.

How is polyandry cutting one partner out?

That was exactly my reaction too.

And yes, the way the comment was worded DID imply that.

[R_H_NC]

I've never liked the idea of polyandry. I think that hotwifing or even swinging, can be a great way to spice up a marriage, but cutting one partner out of the deal isn't my idea of spicing things up.

How is polyandry cutting one partner out?

That was exactly my reaction too.

And yes, the way the comment was worded DID imply that.

Yes, the comment was phrased that way but as I said, the comment may not apply to polyandry as a whole but,it completely describes this particular scenario.

[Christinebitg]

I've never liked the idea of polyandry. I think that hotwifing or even swinging, can be a great way to spice up a marriage, but cutting one partner out of the deal isn't my idea of spicing things up.

How is polyandry cutting one partner out?

That was exactly my reaction too.

And yes, the way the comment was worded DID imply that.

Yes, the comment was phrased that way but as I said, the comment may not apply to polyandry as a whole but,it completely describes this particular scenario.

I'm sorry, but that's double-talk.

[R_H_NC]

How is polyandry cutting one partner out?

That was exactly my reaction too.

And yes, the way the comment was worded DID imply that.

Yes, the comment was phrased that way but as I said, the comment may not apply to polyandry as a whole but,it completely describes this particular scenario.

I'm sorry, but that's double-talk.

How is that double-talk? It's pretty straight forward. This relationship has cut one of the three people in it, out of sexual relations. That is not, as I understand the term, polyandry.