At what point can you call a relationship poly?

[Maximus54]

Lucy here.
I have been a hotwife for two decades of a 40 year marriage Yes we are senior's but sex, exercise and good eating habits makes for good health and good looks. I can tell men that I am 45 and none would question it.
The first man I ever had sex with besides my husband since our marriage is still close to us. His name is Ken, and basically I gave been having regular sex with him for 20 years. Obviously he isn't the only one and he knows it, but for over 20 years he has always been available to me. And I to him. There were times that he needed a lift he calls I go to him. Same here. I sometimes just feel like I desire him from time to time, he will drop everything to see me.
Other more regular times, usually once every 2 weeks or longer if we are traveling, but when we get back from our trips ge is often waiting for us, even gets us from the airport then we retire for an intimate threesome.
He and my husband are quite comfortable with each other. At times by husband might help guide him into me if I lay on top of him.
My husband seems to revel in the opportunity to lick me up after Ken and I have a great O together.
Ken reciprocates everything.
They don't however do anything to each other, all the two men focus on is me and I love it.
Do I love Ken? I could say that I do. Does Ken love me? He says it, but we know what our relationship is. Ken is married, his marriage is sexless, but I happily fill that gap for him.

Another occasional lover of mine told us that we were poly with Ken. I never thought of us in that way, but at what point does a long term sexual relationship that does involve feelings become polygamous?

It is more than semantics. I love my husband more than life. He rescued me and loved me when no one would. I'm not sure Ken would do what Eric did but regardless feelings are there.

What say you here?

[GenerallySpeaking]

Using the r/polyamory subreddit as a guide, "Polyamory is openly, honestly, and consenually loving and being committed to more than one person." There is a lot of leeway on either side of how deep one must be to be in a poly relationship. I suggest you visit the Reddit dot /r/polyamory "About" section. I'm sure you'll find lots of people there in common!

[subguy80]

I think the biggest part of considering yourself poly is your mindset. You, the wife, must feel you are in love with two men. And, if so, you all need to commit to this fact and agree to support it. The fact your lover is married complicates things. I would think for you to ever be truly poly, his wife would need to commit to it as well. If not, then you have a steady boyfriend you have feelings for. There is a big difference between three people who share sex and are friends vs. three people who basically commit to a marriage of three and everything that comes with that.

[SSQ]

Poly is ethical nonmonogamy, so if your partner is cheating, it's not polyamory. Full stop.

That being said, polyamory doesn't have to be marriage level commitment. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. It's simply multiple ethical romantic relationships where all involved parties consent. You can't say your partner's partner isn't involved- that's denial.

[Laveenguy]

SSQ’s interpretation is consistent with my understanding of polyamory. All parties involved must consent or it doesn’t fit the definition.

[Natatude]

When my husband and I first started in the mid 90’s, we set our rules and one of them was I could live, my lover, but I was never allowed to leave him for one. I agreed as I love my husband more than anything and would never divorce him

We have been with him for 29 years now. I was just wondering today if we were poly perhaps? We have occasional theeesomes and they are straight as well, but we have fun!

We have another one we have occasional threesomes with but I don’t see him ever being that close. I want a lover FWB not just a sex job.

[Laveenguy]

Maintaining a loving and committed relationship between two people is hard enough. When you inject a third (or forth, or more) person into it there are further challenges. Deb and I have had several fun and friendly encounters over the years, but finding that third guy for ongoing poly relationship has been elusive.

Deb and I would love to have a committed relationship such as subguy80 has described elsewhere in this forum. But, alas so far, no luck. We got close when a 3 way relationship started with a roommate we had back in the 90’s. We fucked together with me playing the sub cuck role. They also had relations without my participation. It lasted until he graduated and moved back to Canada. We are still close to him and Deb recently visited him. But now he is married and his wife doesn’t know (to our knowledge). So, no consent from her equals a loving but platonic relationship with us.

Deb also wants lovers, not as she terms it, drive by fucks. She has a fellow right now that might eventually work out, but so far it has been between them and not included me. He has a wife and another girlfriend. They all know about each other and consent. So, that’s the first step. As SSQ says it doesn’t require marriage level commitment, but to be poly means to me at least a level of love and ongoing commitment than transcends sex.

Having said all that Deb and I had an incredible erotic experience this summer in France with an Italian Dom. It was clearly all physical and animal attraction. She had her eyes opened to a completely different form of sexual interaction. And now maybe a receptiveness to more of that. I suppose the best of all worlds would be a Dom whom we both could grow to love… Ah, a fella can dream can’t he?

[CaliLondon]

This is something I've wondered about too. My wife is 55, I'm 68 with a few health issues, and her lover for the last six months is 51. For S and myself, this was the first time we did something like this, although we spoke about it for some time and did some baby steps with a male masseuse. We met met Neil though Feeld and feel like we've met a real unicorn – he really and truly puts S's needs first, second, and third.

Our relationship keeps evolving. At first I would be physically with S during her entire time with Neil - we meet close to every Friday night for three hours - with the only rule being we only played together. Now though, that rule would be we only play in the same house. We've found that what turns us all on is my giving S and Neil time together without me being physically present. With both of their full knowledge I put up a camera in the kitchen and the living room, and watch them for about two hours when they join me then in our bedroom.

Neil lets himself in and 'finds' S in the kitchen where she is doing domestic chores and I'm in my study upstairs doing taxes (the last thing I would ever be doing). In what we call Kitchen Seduction, as the two make small talk, Neil will gently stroke S's backside, letting a hand 'accidentally touching her butt or breasts. As she is over the sink, he kisses the back and side of her neck, while S slowly pushes herself against his crotch.

Slowly the tempo builds with my wife matching all of Neil's movements and even leading. Again, slowly, the clothes come off leading to my wife bending over and letting Neil take her from behind. From there they move to the living room couch for more fun and then join me upstairs.

The other night I asked S how she saw our relationship with Neil. Do she see herself as a hotwife, a slut, a pleasure loving woman or what. She immediately said 'poly'. Does she love Neil? No, she says Neil has too complicated of life – teenage daughter with mental issues, a demanding job and an ex-wife who is a bit of a nut case. On the other hand, in watching them flirt, stroke, kiss and make love, there is real affection.

She has no interest in finding someone else to play with; Neil says we're the only ones he has sex with, and it seems to be working out well. We have no desire to have Neil move in with us; I'm pretty sure he feels the same. But there is a real relationship going on.

[WatchinginNJ]

Well as SSQ has mentioned there's an ethical side of polyamory that the folks that are heavily involved in poly would say it starts with, but lets set that aside for now.

This is an age old question that all kinds of non-monogamy people get caught up in. From swingers, to hotwives, even to plain old adulterers. The question is pretty simple, "How can I love someone, when I love my spouse?"

I find that kind of thinking to be to regimented, too focused on if ...then type situations. IF I'm married, Then I must.... It's the kind of stuff swingers make up crazy rules about, like "I only kiss my wife". It gets people focused on rules, instead of intent.

Even in our own lives we have room for love with other people that doesn't change based on us having a set number of participants in our lives. I have 3 kids. I love them all dearly, but each one is completely different. I love my late father, and still love my mother, but they haven't been a unit since the late 70's, yet I still have a deep and satisfying love for them.

Too that, I have a married partner, and I'm dating a woman on a regular basis. Those two relationships are not dependent on each other, in spite being intertwined via me.

Even poly people can get really gatekeeper by defining what is a poly relationship. They get caught up in the woo-woo and terminology, but will quickly shun you if you mention things like, "Well I'm a swinger, and I like hotwives" (as will those communities I've mentioned).

My married partner has a husband, and I am never going to pretend that I could replace him. I'm also not her husband replacement to her. We serve different rolls in her life and everyone is fine with that. Do I love her? Yes. That's enough for me. If things changed and god forbid something happened to her husband I would support her anyway she needed. But I don't ever want to replace him.

Your relationships are yours to define.

[tractorman2]

A very interesting subject, i felt a few years back that we were in a poly relationship with her lover but i guess maybe not from the previous comments, He was married and NO he said she didnt know, i always suspected she did she had to.

We all got on together and he would come see me hours before she was due in from work help me with my jobs as good mates do.

She would return home, kiss me then embrace him and i knew, we all knew then she was his. We often sat around the dinner table as she made and served tea discussing everything but sex, we didnt have to.

Afterwards she would go get a bath and we would chat, then after a while he would ask me, can i go see her, the answer was always yes.

It was never long before i heard him fucking her in our bath, sometimes i listened, other times watched and other times did the washing up it was so regular.

Then they would go to bed, where she would be tied or chained, often wearing a breathing hood, tied in a leather sleep sack whilst he played with her often with electrobes, or inserting other items, It was all very heavy and intense sexually and emotionally. I often wondered why she liked so much pain as i listed to her being punished with a paddle, flogger or his hand.

They also went out together as a couple to the theatre, or to eat. I was always invited but i enjoyed them being together and my time alone...locked away. I did get a real kink out of walking with them as they held hands as if i was the friend. It was not unknown for him to correct people by saying, actually no she is my girlfriend, this is her husband, we all liked that and peoples reaction.

So in every part of our lives he was involved, he even met our family numerous times, that could be awkward, especially when our daughter asked me, "is he your friend or mums"? how i longed to say he is your mums lover, but i knew she knew anyway.

He collared her regularly betwen his visits as a sign of his sexual ownership and her submission to him, she collared me to her, her collar was not permanent, mine was and is to this day. He did once suggest matching rings one we men would wear to match hers which would sit next to her wedding ring, her sign of attachment and love to him and never be removed. I was happy with all.

During his period of ownership of my wifes sexuality, i finally ceased to be a lover to her, she didnt need my efforts sexually she had him and we both knew it. She sought to replace this element in my mind and kink by commenced semi feminising me, firstly removing my ability to pleasure myself with the fitment of a chastity device, then she asked me to permanently wear womens underwear and much more, all requests from our marital bed infront of him.

I once asked him as we awaited her arrival, me already locked away where he would take me next, feminisation wise, he looked and said it was nothing to do with him and as long as i liked it he was fine, it was her idea and wish not his.

So this and lots more continued for many years, It was she that decided she couldnt love two men and finished it.

It was a very exciting few years and i dont think any of us ever got over the split really.

Still she keeps me semi feminised and the items she likes me to wear are now permanently worn, yet i am the man of this house and family, i didnt surrender my masculiniity to her just my sexuality.

[RonDom]

Poly is ethical nonmonogamy, so if your partner is cheating, it's not polyamory. Full stop.

I agree with this.

[D+D]

The thread, Poly with a cuckold twist is to me as close to poly as it gets.

[wifelver]

Poly is ethical nonmonogamy, so if your partner is cheating, it's not polyamory. Full stop.

That being said, polyamory doesn't have to be marriage level commitment. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. It's simply multiple ethical romantic relationships where all involved parties consent. You can't say your partner's partner isn't involved- that's denial.

I totally agree with that definition. One doesn't have to be in love with others to be poly. It's ethical non monogamy, whatever form or shape that might take.

[SSQ]

Poly is ethical nonmonogamy, so if your partner is cheating, it's not polyamory. Full stop.

That being said, polyamory doesn't have to be marriage level commitment. It can be, but it doesn't have to be. It's simply multiple ethical romantic relationships where all involved parties consent. You can't say your partner's partner isn't involved- that's denial.

I totally agree with that definition. One doesn't have to be in love with others to be poly. It's ethical non monogamy, whatever form or shape that might take.

That I don't agree with. Polyamory is literally many loves. That's the definition of it. You don't have to be married to love someone.

Ethical non monogamy includes swinging and other forms of relationships that don't involve love. Polyamory does require love, although it does not require sex.

Ethical non monogamy is a big umbrella. Polyamory is a much smaller included subset.

[RonDom]

The Oxford Dictionary definition is “the practice of engaging in multiple romantic (and typically sexual) relationships, with the consent of all the people involved.”.
The key pieces here are “multiple relationships” and “consent of all.” Being “in love” is not a litmus test because it’s a deeply subjective concept.

Being "romantic" is iikewise a deeply subjective concept and yet it is a part of the definition.

[nextdoorbull]

When love is love.

Love is different for everyone.

You know when you love someone.

[Farmgirl]

To me, it hinges on whether you are all living together much as WHW, or HWH.