Uncharted Waters

[AgentOrange]

Hi Everyone

So before I go into details about what is going on, yes we are fairly new to this (6 months), yes I am cool with most of this and yes, this lifestyle is for me. This is off the back of asking for a little advice previously and basically being told that everything we are doing is wrong.

So here goes. My (M) partner (F) has been hotwifing for 6 months. I say hotwifing loosely because I think we fall somewhere between hotwife and open relationship but its not that clean cut.

We live somewhere where popping over to "a date" and then back home just doesn't really work. This means that any dates are with people that she has a good judgement with, has had social meets with and are mainly overnight. So for example, she might have 3 guys that she is talking to. Every 2 weeks she heads over to one of them, stays overnight, few drinks, lots of sex and then home the next morning.

Anyway, a new guy came on the scene and I knew within a few weeks that he was different from the others. The social date was followed 3 days later by the first sex date which would normally be a few weeks before that happens. Then the amount of messaging between the two of them was none-stop. Lots of pics and nearly all sex talk (from him) and it has been well received. There has also been a few things that i've been asked by my partner that would never normally come up, like "he asked if I can piss on him", stuff that she wouldn't be normally interested in but it seems that if he asks then she will do her best to please him.

So you are probably seeing the picture now that this is very different from previous (current other) guys that she would easily cancel if she just didn't feel like it - this is all about what he wants and she wants to keep him happy.

This all started by the way, with the fact that he is moving to Germany in 6 months time and has probably created the scenario that whatever happens, he'll be gone in 6 months.

Anyway, the short of the story is that anyone else, it was obvious that I came first and there was never anything to worry about. And nor did I. I just sat horny awaiting her return and great reclaim sex. But this just feels very different and feels like he is currently more important to her than I am. Like I mentioned, other guys I have absolutely no bother about but my gut feeling here isn't right. For example, about a month ago, she went on holiday with friends and when I would message, it could be a few hours before I got a reply as she was away, but in chats she told me later that he was (they were) none-stop messaging for the week. She also asked if after 6 days on holiday if she could call into him on the way home (which I thought that I would have been the first person she would want to see after 6 days with no sex)

Another twist here is that he is very keen for a threesome with all 3 of us, which I am keen on. She was doubtful at the beginning but it seems to have turned into "something he wants to do" and therefore is being considered.

So what are the thoughts here? She has told me not to worry and I am still her "safe place" but I really feel like i'm not No.1 here and the threesome thing has never come up before and he is very keen on it happening, while I feel that she would prefer if we never met or spoke. I forgot to mention that he isn't keen on her having "other" partners beside the 2 of us - that could be an important point here

[GenerallySpeaking]

You BOTH need to do some reading on NRE (New Relationship Energy). It can derail the relationships of even the most seasoned poly folks. There are some good resources on the Net. As for an expiration date on this new relationship, don't count on it. Your wife's infatuation could last a long time and people deep in NRE can make questionable choices. This is the point where I would be VERY clear with my communication with my wife. (For instance, what does "safe place" mean exactly?) We would be having many conversations about this new facet. What it means to her. What it means to you. And potentially, what it means to this new dude.

As for agreements on who can fuck whom, this other dude only has so much sway and it would benefit everyone to make their positions clear. You Included.

[trecital]

Am I missing something? I don't know why this has been posted in the Poly forum.

Leaving that aside, I do agree to an extent about the NRE thing. But that's fairly normal.

But there are a few things of concern. That she preferenced messaging him when she was away, and that she wanted to see him first, before you, on her return. There's NRE, and then there's infatuation. He says that he's going away in 6 months. But do you have any real evidence of that? It's an easy statement to make. Maybe it's a 'trick' he uses as a 'get out' if things don't go to plan. He "isn't keen on her having other partners".... It's not his decision to make ( I know he's not 'deciding', but definitely influencing).
Can't say I'd be too impressed by being described as a "safe place". Makes it sound like you are a place she can come back to if things go wrong.
Tread carefully. A non-sexual meet up with this guy might be a good idea.

[dcr216]

Maybe you three all get committed and start a family.

[whosbeensleeping]

Hope it's going well. You seem to have a great attitude. Rooting for both your relationship and your extracurricular fun!