Sexting without spouse knowing

[Atractivcpl]

Hello, new member here. Long time lurker. My wife and I have been doing MFM threesomes for about 4 years now. We are a happily married couple of 20 years. We've only been with 4 guys over the last 4 years because they are hard to find. We always try to find someone for the long term.

We agree that we tell each other everything including any text exchanges. My wife has been showing me the text exchanges from the current guy and they are pretty vanilla. I said there hasn't been a sexting? She said no. I then looked in her deleted texts and found out she has been hinding the naughty texts from me. This isn't the first time either. When I confronted her she said she hides them because she doesn't want to upset me. Should I be concerned? She doesn't understand how I can read them and not be upset. She said it would destroy her if I talked with another woman that way.

[armyguyot1]

Is the problem that she is sexting? Is it what she is sexting? Is it that she didn't tell you? Do you not believe she is trying to keep you happy? How does she get a feeling for whether she wants to fuck a guy? She might need a little freedom here.

[Atractivcpl]

She is allowed to sext. She knows that. She can sext whatever she wants. The fact that she said she wasn't is the thing that bothers me. She would show me her phone and it was everything except sexting. She even sent him some pics, but no sexting. When I looked in the deleted text folder I found all the sexting that has been going on. She said she didn't tell me because she doesn't understand how I can be ok with it. She thinks it will hurt me reading it. I told her what hurts me is the fact that she was lying about it and being deceitful. One of our rules is full disclosure. I've never read a sexting thread between her and another guy and got pissed. I just don't know why all the secrecy.
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[armyguyot1]

Take her out to dinner and a drink and discuss it like a couple adults. Not like the rest of us haven't fucked up sometimes.

[Her number1]

Take her out to dinner and a drink and discuss it like a couple adults. Not like the rest of us haven't fucked up sometimes.

[fireman]

Wife and I have been doing this for 15ish years, there is a definite learning curve and mistakes that upset the other were occasionally made as we figured out what worked for us. As far as hiding the texts or deleting them, I think it’s fairly trivial. But from this point forward, you need to be ultra clear what you want and what you get out the whole thing. My wife was initially worried I’d be upset with how dirty some of her communications were. It took her a bit to realize the dirtier she was, the more it turned me on. She was a little apprehensive to send me a text or IM string. But with a little time she figured out that it was part of the fun for me. So, I wouldn’t be to concerned, but I would definitely make clear what you want. It’s the both of you, and each person gets something out of it. Should be an easy adjustment!

[Atractivcpl]

There is definitely a learning curve. I get where she is coming from when she says she is afraid it will upset me. I said, me and another man had sex with you, if that doesn't upset me how will sexting upset me? She just thinks its different. I told her I also enjoy reading the sexting. Thanks for all the respectful replies so far.

[zorro]

I would regard her statement as any other accusation: It's a projection. I suspect your wife feels at least embarrassed and probably ashamed of enjoying sex with another man -- even though you have encouraged her. Her behavior upsets her; your knowing that it doesn't further confirms that there is some projection going on.

As usual, part of the solution is better communication about your feelings about her expanded sexuality, just as others have urged. She would also do well to work through whatever residual shame/embarrassment she feels about being an openly more open and hopefully one day unabashedly sexual female.

Yes, she broke one of your rules as a couple. But by and large you are fortunate to have a woman willing to share herself with others, so you two are on the right track. Do your best to regard her secretive behavior as a symptom of an unresolved psychological issue and not as just bad behavior.
Shaming her for her duplicity will only add to her shame. The challenge is for her to learn how to manage it until it gets past it.

[Atractivcpl]

That was a well written insightful reply. Thank you

[veub]

I would think that the real problem is that hiding this leads to niggling doubt and to the question, "Is she hiding other things?"
I think you have to make it clear to your wife that you want the truth - even if she thinks it will hurt you.

[SilverStag]

Open and honest communication is key to this lifestyle. Anything less can cause damage. You and she are not fully communicating. The question is why. If she says she is worried about your reaction, think about whether you have had a negative reaction in the past. If you have been nothing but supportive, I would tend to discount her explanation. You need to know why she is hiding them. Does it make it spicier for her if you don't know (mimicking the "thrill" of an illicit affair? Has she developed feelings for him that threaten your marriage? Is she worried that if you find out how naughty she can be, that you will expect that of her?

You two need to have a calm rational conversation and get help to do so if needed.

It's all fun and games until someone loses a wife....

[2inUPMichigan]

Did she show you sexting messages in the past with other men?
If so was the content different this time?

You mentioned this wasn't the first time. Did it happen before when she was just getting to know someone, or with an established play partner?

[annsman]

I would be concerned.

Why is she going behind your back if it’s something you both want?

[Atractivcpl]

She would sext with the others and this happened before where she would delete them and then act like they never sexted. When I found out before she used the same excuse of not wanting to hurt me. We had a long talk 3 years ago after it happened and she promised me she would never do it again, and now here she is doing it again. To reiterate, the sexting is fine, it's the hiding it from me part that isn't, especially when she says it isn't happening.

[2inUPMichigan]

She would sext with the others and this happened before where she would delete them and then act like they never sexted. When I found out before she used the same excuse of not wanting to hurt me. We had a long talk 3 years ago after it happened and she promised me she would never do it again, and now here she is doing it again. To reiterate, the sexting is fine, it's the hiding it from me part that isn't, especially when she says it isn't happening.

Have you ever asked her if it embarrasses her to show you what was said?

She may be verbally agreeing to your request to share those texts but it sounds like she isn't comfortable sharing them with you.

It would be a red flag if she shared sexting with one person and not another.
It would be less concerning (in my eyes) if she was at the "getting to know you" stage with this guy.

She could have found out something that she isn't interested in and has no intention on pursuing with him. For example- if the guy is into tying women up and dripping candle wax all over them. Maybe that is too extreme for her? She could have told him she wasn't interested and not wanted to share that with you in case you wanted to veto him.
That would be a no for me personally and I might not mention it to hubby because it is part of discussing limits and boundaries. He might think it was something else, but I would have already closed the door on the possibility of it ever happening.

Off the top of my head -
2inUP

[Atractivcpl]

So we talked at length last night. She is embarrassed to let me read the texts as some of you said already. She was surprised to hear I thought it was hot. I said having the threesomes are hot and so is the sexting you do with him. She feels more comfortable now. She said when she was sexting it felt like she was cheating on me and that made her feel a lot of guilt. We play with this new guy on Sunday. It was nice to get this resolved before then. Thanks for all your responses.

[Atractivcpl]

So we talked at length last night. She is embarrassed to let me read the texts as some of you said already. She was surprised to hear I thought it was hot. I said having the threesomes are hot and so is the sexting you do with him. She feels more comfortable now. She said when she was sexting it felt like she was cheating on me and that made her feel a lot of guilt. We play with this new guy on Sunday. It was nice to get this resolved before then. Thanks for all your responses.

[4herpleasure89]

When we started 14 plus years ago we shared everything. There were no secrets so no reason for any concern. Her first bull was a married swinger. He sent her very intimate stuff, asked her to delete things or send certain texts for his wife’s sake. Sue very clearly told him that he can tell his wife anything he wants to but she wouldn’t be hiding anything from me.

Fast forward to a few years ago and that all changed. Texts started to get deleted, chats moved to other apps and emails I didn’t know about etc.. I became aware that things had changed. Eventually there was an incident in which they had sex without my knowledge.

I feel you are right to be concerned. Once trust is damaged things are never the same, and it can become a slippery slope. We have seen it happen many times here and among our LS friends. Many times it led to the end of the marriage. I understand her not wanting for you to see intimate texts, but it goes with your mutual choice to enter this lifestyle. It’s your rule. If she wants to change it you should both be in agreement.

[HWJRJ18]

We use the Burner app, which used to let both partners see texts if you logged in on both phones. Now it kicks one phone out if another logs in, so I let her use the app. I want her to sext freely, without worrying how I'm feeling about it. She usually tells me about them after work, but I don't ask to see them or worry whether she has told me everything. I can log in at any time and look at them if I want, and she would have to get the text code from me to log back in. She's using the Burner app, which is one of our safety rules, but she could use her regular phone texting and I would never know. I trust her enough and know we both enjoy our life together & it wouldn't be that way if it weren't the both of us. So I say relax a little, let her know you trust her & understand how she is a little anxious about confessing to you the dirty things she sexts. If it gets her hot and wet, that's all you need!

[Tank Turner]

Is the problem that she is sexting? Is it what she is sexting? Is it that she didn't tell you? Do you not believe she is trying to keep you happy? How does she get a feeling for whether she wants to fuck a guy? She might need a little freedom here.

^^^My sentiments exactly^^^

Flirting is normal and natural for men and women.

The question is whether sexting is cheating. No. It isn't. Sexual contact without approval of one's wife/husband is cheating. Sexting isn't.

What if my wife went to a nude beach or resort with her girlfriends with my approval? Would that be cheating? No. If she told me before going and I were good with it, it wouldn't be cheating. What if my wife posed nude for Playboy? Would it be cheating every time a man looked at her naked body? What about porn stars who perform sexual acts for a living? Are they cheating on their spouses when they go to work? As long as a spouse knows what the other does for work and agrees with it, it's wouldn't be cheating.

BTW, my wife and her sister believe nudity is completely normal and natural.

[SRKnight]

My HW was sexting with her ex-boyfriend before they met and had sex the first time after our marriage. After a few meetups and my constant talk about her being a hot wife she told all and showed me the texts.

I was not upset at all and very turned on. I know she does sexting with others now…sometimes she shows, sometimes she doesn’t. Not a big deal at all in our relationship.

[wifewatcher 2]

This can be a dangerous lifestyle, how do we know our wifes are sticking to the rules if there is really any rules that cant be broken,
I would be concerned if my wife was texting and not telling me about it texting is one thing but how do we know they are not doing other things and not telling us about them,we don't,
We take the risk of them finding they have feelings for another guy the feelings grow into love then we have a big problem,
It's the risk everyone of us take,

[Bootsy]

This can be a dangerous lifestyle, how do we know our wifes are sticking to the rules if there is really any rules that cant be broken,
I would be concerned if my wife was texting and not telling me about it texting is one thing but how do we know they are not doing other things and not telling us about them,we don't,
We take the risk of them finding they have feelings for another guy the feelings grow into love then we have a big problem,
It's the risk everyone of us take,

I consider that risk to be very little different to that within a conventional monogamous relationship, where the partners' respective friendships and acquaintances made in day-to-day life can easily lead to unethical non-mongamous behaviours. I'm therefore much happier being in a genuine ENM relationship - whether hotwife, stag-vixen, cuck, poly or whatever - where there is love, trust, acceptance and open communication.

[Mgcouplemn]

This isn't the first time either. When I confronted her she said she hides them because she doesn't want to upset me. Should I be concerned? She doesn't understand how I can read them and not be upset. She said it would destroy her if I talked with another woman that way.

I would nip in the butt, if she is hiding things from you, then she isn't respecting you. No reason to not do what you both agreed on.

[wifewatcher 2]

This can be a dangerous lifestyle, how do we know our wifes are sticking to the rules if there is really any rules that cant be broken,
I would be concerned if my wife was texting and not telling me about it texting is one thing but how do we know they are not doing other things and not telling us about them,we don't,
We take the risk of them finding they have feelings for another guy the feelings grow into love then we have a big problem,
It's the risk everyone of us take,

I consider that risk to be very little different to that within a conventional monogamous relationship, where the partners' respective friendships and acquaintances made in day-to-day life can easily lead to unethical non-mongamous behaviours. I'm therefore much happier being in a genuine ENM relationship - whether hotwife, stag-vixen, cuck, poly or whatever - where there is love, trust, acceptance and open communication.

Agreed there are always risks,what I'm saying is we all should be aware of them,I have seen it happening first hand were the one night stand becomes two and then it is a weekend and then going away for week together for his birthday,
Little things like not telling you before hand that they are meeting up,or staying over at his when she promised that it would only be for a couple of hours,
Just saying there are risks that we should be aware of.