I'm confused with questions

[confuseddad]

Hello Everyone. First, if this isn't the right place for this then I apologize. I've tried searching around and trying to find a good place to ask questions and it's surprisingly difficult.

My wife and I are both in our 40's and we're what I would consider very liberal, very progressive. Certainly not prudes and we make a real effort not to judge others.

Yesterday, our daughter and her husband came over and said they had something to discuss with us. At first we thought they were going to tell us they were pregnant, but they seemed way to nervous for that. Eventually our daughter explained that she and her husband are "poly." Now, poly is a newer term to my wife and I and while we've never gone down that path, we've had friends that were swingers and stuff like that. Our daughter explained that she broke up with "one of her boyfriends" and he didn't take it well, threatening to out her and her husband to us and they wanted to head that off.

Once we kind of reassured them that we didn't totally care about their sex life and that they're adults and obviously free to do as they want, they relaxed and opened up more.

As we talked, a few things became a little clearer.

1. Their relationship has always been this way, from when they started dating in college up through their marriage two years ago to today. They also said they don't really envision ever not point this way.

2. As much as they initially described it as "poly," it became very clear to us that our daughter apparently dates and her husband doesn't. When we asked about this, they were a little nervous but just kind of explained that's how they prefer it and they're both happy.

3. Outside of a couple friends of theirs we're the only ones that know.

4. Our daughter has "boyfriends" and people she sees, but one of the men she sees she's been seeing for awhile and considers more serious.

5. They talked a lot about relationship dynamics and different things. I got the impression that they're either talked to a lot of similar minded people or read a lot of books. It was a lot about different bonds and different ways to love.

Questions.

1. I don't want to ask if this is "normal." What is normal anyway? But does this seem safe? Sustainable? I think my wife and I, our fur reaction is to worry about their marriage and of course safety.

2. Towards the end of our conversation our daughter said she'd love for us to meet her boyfriend, which her husband seemed supportive of. Is it right for us to do that or get involved in that way?

3. If we meet her boyfriend (that's still really weird to think about) we aren't really sure what to do.

4. This is hard for us, but is this fair to her husband? To us at least he seems to be getting the short end of things, despite him saying that he's supportive.


I think my wife and I are still working through this and trying to figure it out. Again, I apologize if this isn't the right place for this.

[2inUPMichigan]

Welcome to OHW confuseddad

I am so very glad you found us and I will tell you why! Oh wait before I explain let me tell you I'm 57 and have a married child in his early 30's. Even though I am a hotwife I would still be somewhat surprised if they approached us with the same story. So I understand the confusion and concern, it is out of love

There are a lot of real people that will chime in with their experiences. We have a Poly Forum that you might want to read through to get some ideas about how different couples view their relationships.

We are a pretty open and friendly community

1) we have couples here that have engaged in non-monogamy for 20, 30 and even 40 years.
*It doesn't fix a broken relationship but if a couple has good communication skills and a solid foundation this can be a great journey together where they learn a lot about each other and themselves.
To be involved in a successful non-monogamous relationship you need open lines of communication, honesty and trust.

2) some couples keep their "vanilla" lives separate but it is more common for those that are poly vs those that are not, to introduce a boyfriend to family and friends
*I would say meeting him depends on your comfort level. Your daughter is asking you to meet someone she is in a relationship with. It is a little unconventional but it isn't much different than meeting anyone else she has a relationship with.

3) Dinner at her house? Just shake his hand and ask how they met (like any friend of hers you meet the 1st time) and see if you have anything in common you can talk about.
*The subject of their relationship doesn't have to be dinner conversation if the two of you aren't ready for that.

4) The two of them CHOSE this. There are more people out there choosing alternative relationship styles than you might think.
**There is a word compersion that some here could explain better than I.
His happiness may come from seeing her happy.

Many men on this site are turned on by the thought of their wifes having sex with other men. So they definitely benefit!

[Her number1]

My wife has had other lovers for almost 30 of our 49 year marriage. While I have enjoyed other women in the past, I haven't been with another for several years.
This dynamic works very well for us, we have a better, stronger, more loving marriage in part for it.

With what you describe, it sounds like they know what they're doing.

[SilverStag]

Welcome to OHW confuseddad

I am so very glad you found us and I will tell you why! Oh wait before I explain let me tell you I'm 57 and have a married child in his early 30's. Even though I am a hotwife I would still be somewhat surprised if they approached us with the same story. So I understand the confusion and concern, it is out of love

There are a lot of real people that will chime in with their experiences. We have a Poly Forum that you might want to read through to get some ideas about how different couples view their relationships.

We are a pretty open and friendly community

1) we have couples here that have engaged in non-monogamy for 20, 30 and even 40 years.
*It doesn't fix a broken relationship but if a couple has good communication skills and a solid foundation this can be a great journey together where they learn a lot about each other and themselves.
To be involved in a successful non-monogamous relationship you need open lines of communication, honesty and trust.

2) some couples keep their "vanilla" lives separate but it is more common for those that are poly vs those that are not, to introduce a boyfriend to family and friends
*I would say meeting him depends on your comfort level. Your daughter is asking you to meet someone she is in a relationship with. It is a little unconventional but it isn't much different than meeting anyone else she has a relationship with.

3) Dinner at her house? Just shake his hand and ask how they met (like any friend of hers you meet the 1st time) and see if you have anything in common you can talk about.
*The subject of their relationship doesn't have to be dinner conversation if the two of you aren't ready for that.

4) The two of them CHOSE this. There are more people out there choosing alternative relationship styles than you might think.
**There is a word compersion that some here could explain better than I.
His happiness may come from seeing her happy.

Many men on this site are turned on by the thought of their wifes having sex with other men. So they definitely benefit!

This is very well put. Ii agree entirely.

I would add that the guy the daughter wants you to meet is someone she has feelings for and she wants your verification of her choice and for you to be informed should you run into the two of them somewhere. Consider it the equivalent of taking the new boyfriend home to meet the parents in a more conventional relationship.

[pm6hnd]

Interpersonal relationships are complex. That's one of the things that probably make dating so difficult. You are trying to match with a person that fulfills all of your needs even if you don't know what those are exactly.

Without knowing your daughter or her husband, I'll say that she married him because he makes her happy and wants the best for her. I am sure he feels the same way about her. They seem to be the primary relationship. They apparently have good communication and have conveyed that they want her to have more emotion/sexual freedom.

It's as if she has six buckets. Her husband can easily fill five of them, but when she gets help filling the sixth bucket its better for everyone.

From my experience, it makes filling those five buckets way more fun.

[isinlarsa]

The thing that bothers me is that she says they are continuing their relationship with the boyfriend she wanted to end things with because he threatened to out them. As her dad, I wouldn't be upset if they were "poli" (although she sounds more like a hotwife), but because of his threats I would have no respect for him and if they had my wife and I meet him, I would want to smash his face in.

I wouldn't worry about her husband getting "the short end". This is something the husband of a hotwife wants, and gets a lot of satisfaction from.

[2inUPMichigan]

The thing that bothers me is that she says they are continuing their relationship with the boyfriend she wanted to end things with because he threatened to out them. As her dad, I wouldn't be upset if they were "poli" (although she sounds more like a hotwife), but because of his threats I would have no respect for him and if they had my wife and I meet him, I would want to smash his face in.

I wouldn't worry about her husband getting "the short end". This is something the husband of a hotwife wants, and gets a lot of satisfaction from.

It sounded to me like she broke up with one of her boyfriends but the man she wants them to meet is one she has been involved with longer and has a deeper interest in. (Not the same guy) I could be wrong but that was my take on it.

[leander99]

I would like to add something important to confuseddad.

That is simply to only do what you are comfortable with.
They had good reasons to bring this up to you, but that does not mean you are required to have a part in it.

If meeting the boyfriend is to strange, then it is OK to ask your daughter to keep this part of her life more to herself.
Not in a disapproving way, but I think there is nothing wrong in finding this a bit overwhelming.

[confuseddad]

Thank you for the feedback everyone.

To be clear, the man she would like us to meet is a different person from the one that was threatening her. I'm actually pretty proud that she chose to talk to us rather than let someone threaten her. The man she would like us to meet is someone she has been seeing for awhile who she apparently very much likes.

My wife spoke to our daughter more yesterday and then my wife and I spoke more last night. She's leaning more on the side of meeting this guy. Her view is that no matter what our daughter is in a relationship with this person and we can't change that, and it's better to be more informed. I can't really argue too much with that.

I think I'd like to talk to our daughter and her husband, or maybe just here, more before really deciding on anything. I get she's an adult and will do what she want, but it's hard not to get a little puritanical fatherly twinge about some of this stuff. Which I know is my own thing to deal with. My wife said she asked our daughter how many "boyfriends" she's had and she just said "a lot," which no judgement, but is still really hard for me to wrap my head around.

I think one major hangup is that reading around here and other places and articles and stuff, I'm not really sure if this is a lifestyle thing or a kink thing. My wife and I aren't dumb. If it's a lifestyle thing, if this is who she is or they are, then we'll accept and support as best we can. We have a gay son and I think we've done our best to always show him love and support, long before he even came out to us. I'm just a little concerned about whether or not my wife and I are being involved in like a kink, which doesn't seem totally right.

[Long Lurker 34]

CD - Not in the LS in anyway, except for reading and commenting here.

To my mind unless there is someone involved who has a particular religious view, the only difference between your daughter having a BF while being married, is the fact her husband has legal standing with her and the BF doesn't.
Could just as easily have been that she was single and had two BF's who both knew each other.

[pm6hnd]

I'm just a little concerned about whether or not my wife and I are being involved in like a kink, which doesn't seem totally right.

This is absolutely a legitimate concern. Examples would be a person masturbating in public view, exposing yourself to housekeeping in a hotel, or surprising the pizza delivery guy. They didn't ask for it.

I think your situation is a bit different because you have proven as parents to be people she trusts and have demonstrated tolerance. She is coming to you for safety and reassurance. She didn't wreck the family car. In my opinion, she's taken an enormous risk sharing a very vulnerable side of herself in hopes that you would support her without unfair judgement.

I applaud you for gathering more information to better understand her.

[Natatude]

My husband is the same as her husband. He wants me to have a boyfriend. Someone I can do things with, as well as have sex with. We also have the occasional threesome, guys are both straight.
I have had a boyfriend for 29 years almost. My family knows him as my best friend. None of them know we have sex. They just think we are best friends and I leave it at that. They all love him!!
My husband really does want it this way, so we have decided to search for more guy friends.
By the way I am 53 and hubby is 58, we started when I was 24 and he was 30. And were married 5 years at that point.
I can love my husband and my boyfriend both, but I would never divorce my husband for him and we let that be known from the get go. My boyfriend has always been single so it works out. We go to concerts and out to dinner and all 3 of us, go on a vacation together once a year and have get togethers. It actually wonderful!!

[SilverStag]

It is difficult to not be overly protective of your daughter. After all, you raised her as your little princess, and now you find out that she is sometimes, someone else.

In my opinion one shouldn't know too much about relative's sex lives. It can make things uneasy and uncomfortable if you have not had that open dialog throughout their lives. I had a GF who was very upfront about her sex life with her daughter and her daughter also was open to her mother in the same way. I dated the mom and found it curious that whenever we were going out to a swinger club, she always called her daughter before we left. I finally asked why, and she said that her daughter was also a swinger, and she was ensuring they wouldn't be at the same club at the same time. Her comment was, "The last thing I want to hear when I'm in the middle of a "puppy pile" is "Mom??".

I applaud your daughter for not being willing to be blackmailed. It is very freeing when you no longer need to keep secrets. I was in a high-profile public service position for a very long career and was a public face of my employer. The fact that I was also in the Swinger Lifestyle made for some tense and cautionary moves throughout that career. Once I retired and no longer held that "public face" I didn't care if I was "outed" and it was the most freeing feeling I have ever had. I don't go around advertising my participation in the LS, but if someone finds out, they have no way to harm me any longer.

Your daughter is not asking for your permission, she is saving you embarrassment should the moron that is threatening actually follow through on his threat.

[confuseddad]

Thank you again to everyone.

Wife and I have talked a lot. We're going to either go out to dinner with our daughter and her boyfriend or brunch this weekend. He's apparently older than her and married, and his wife knows and is supportive. But she herself doesn't date anyone.

My daughter has been talking to my wife about this all, but I've really only talked to her one on one once. That's been strange cause I've always been closer to my daughter and my wife our son, but I guess she feels more comfortable talking to her mom. Of course that's fine.

I haven't really had a chance to talk to my SIL and I'm not sure if I should. We have a good relationship and I'm not exactly sure what'd I'd say or if I even should talk to him about all of this.

[Long Lurker 34]

Thank you again to everyone.

Wife and I have talked a lot. We're going to either go out to dinner with our daughter and her boyfriend or brunch this weekend He's apparently older than her and married, and his wife knows and is supportive. But she herself doesn't date anyone.

My daughter has been talking to my wife about this all, but I've really only talked to her one on one once. That's been strange cause I've always been closer to my daughter and my wife our son, but I guess she feels more comfortable talking to her mom. Of course that's fine.

I haven't really had a chance to talk to my SIL and I'm not sure if I should. We have a good relationship and I'm not exactly sure what'd I'd say or if I even should talk to him about all of this.

CD - Let us know how the get together goes.

[Lookingforadventure]

Thank you again to everyone.

Wife and I have talked a lot. We're going to either go out to dinner with our daughter and her boyfriend or brunch this weekend. He's apparently older than her and married, and his wife knows and is supportive. But she herself doesn't date anyone.

My daughter has been talking to my wife about this all, but I've really only talked to her one on one once. That's been strange cause I've always been closer to my daughter and my wife our son, but I guess she feels more comfortable talking to her mom. Of course that's fine.

I haven't really had a chance to talk to my SIL and I'm not sure if I should. We have a good relationship and I'm not exactly sure what'd I'd say or if I even should talk to him about all of this.

I didn't reply before because it seemed like you already had good advice, but now I want to add that you should feel proud of your daughter and the fact that she feels comfortable talking to you about this. That says a lot about your relationship.

I hope that dinner/brunch goes well. You don't need to fully understand why she chose to do this, and you don't need to fully endorse it either, but seeking to understand will keep the doors to your relationship with her open. Who knows what might happen to her relationship in the future. He might move away or they might break up. She will be grieving that and might not be able to express that to most people in her life. Now she knows that she has you as a support community when/if she needs it.

As for the son in law, I don't think you need to seek out a conversation if he isn't showing signs of wanting to talk about it. If you are curious, you could probably ask him how he feels about it, or why he likes this, and he might tell you. But it isn't really necessary. The bigger thing is to be non judgmental with your daughter as you wrap your minds around this.

[Gulfcpl]

I give credit to your daughter and SIL and you two. Apparently you raised her to respect the viewpoint and lifestyle of others without judgement because she had the courage to talk to you about it. I loved my parents dearly but my wife and could never in a million years talk to either of our sets of parents out this. It would surely have caused their premature deaths.

There’s nothing wrong with being apprehensive about meeting the other gentleman. I have no doubt you and your wife will handle this class. You should be proud of yourselves for raising children that can talk to you about anything. My hat is off to you.

[confuseddad]

Hello everyone.

Had a very surreal experience yesterday, but I think overall it went pretty well. Just...surreal.

We met for brunch and my daughter's boyfriend, as far as I can tell in one meeting, seems like a very nice guy. He's older than her, closer to my age than hers, so that seemed a little odd at first. She's also known him longer than her husband which was surprising in a week of surprises.

He was very outgoing and gregarious, charming but in a laid back sort of way. We learned that he's married and what he described as "poly" with his wife, though she doesn't date anyone else by her own choice. When our daughter first talked to us about this she said a lot of things about relationships and bonds that sounds very much from a book or some other resource. I get the impression that either came from him or they've read the same books as a lot of what he said mirrored her own words and she nodded along a lot.

I'm really doing my best to remain open-minded about this situation, but it still isn't easy. My daughter and her husband aren't what I would really call outwardly affectionate, they don't hold hands or stuff like that. But with him at least she just seemed happy, a little giggly, leaning into him a lot, that sort of thing. Just strange to see in the moment I guess and I felt happy that she seemed happy, but the circumstances are still hard to wrap my brain around.

My son in law didn't really come up that much. He's apparently met her boyfriend lots of times and they know each other and get along pretty well, but that was about the end of it.

I think it was a good experience overall. But I also feel like the more I learn, as much as it's reassuring, I just have more and more questions.