Midlife crisis maybe

[The good hub]

I want to start by thanking this site and its members for sharing their experiences and knowledge. It is not easy to get creditable information on this lifestyle and for that I am grateful.

Intro first? Seems like my story is pretty typical. I am 50yrs old and wife is 42. Married 17yrs, together 20yrs. We have a great marriage and life, couldn’t be happier. Our sex life was “vanilla “ but totally satisfying. She was a V when we got together and her only other cock was a tiny (her word) one night stand she had when we briefly broke up early in our relationship. Fast forward to just after new years of this year. We were in a bit of a rut. Life was pulling us in too many different directions and I swear this is true; I became convinced that becoming a hotwife couple would bring us closer!! So, one night after a we had a few drinks, I dropped the bomb on her…..

To say it went poorly is a gross understatement!! By far the worst argument of our marriage!! First, I got the typical “you’re only suggesting this cause you’re cheating on me” response. Then I got “you must not love me anymore “ followed closely by “that’s disgusting, you’re a pervert “. I had done my research and had the right responses to her accusations but I backed off and let her process what I was proposing. Again for a woman who sexually conservative with only 2 sexual partners, this had to be shocking!!

After doing her own research, she slowly came around to the idea and a lot of her interest was that this would be our thing. It totally worked!! We communicated better and it was like throwing gas on our smoldering sex life fire!! This led to us signing up for some hook up sites, getting flooded with responses, and eventually deciding to socially meet our first guy 2 months ago. He was a nice guy but not what we were expecting from a bull-type; very quiet and unassuming. No lie, he was dressed like Mr. Rogers, lol!! Wife was still interested though and we talked about getting together again. Then he ghosted us…..A few weeks later, we set up another social meeting. This guy was more stereotypical but still on the quiet side so things progressed slowly. We all had had a bit too much to drink by the time it was suggested they go outside to get to know each other better. After a half hour or so, I had no problem finding the car they were in; only one with windows completely fogged over!! I pulled along side and she jumped out with heels in one hand and her panties in the other!! What a beautiful sight!!

At this point, we seemed to be on our way but sadly, that’s where it ends. They had made out and done some heavy petting. She was so horny she put her feet up on the dash and I played with her pussy as I drove home. We fucked the second we got home and it was some of our best ever. She was so excited about meeting this guy again and finishing what they had started….. then he ghosted us. Well, not completely but now is “sooooo” busy and just doesn’t respond for days when we ask to meet up.

So now we are stuck on what to do next? It gets extremely time consuming and confusing to message more than a few guys at a time. While these 2 were real, we have been ghosted by countless others on the site after we send pics even though our profile has enough pics to know if you would be attracted. Any advice on how to weed through all the fakes, flakes, and wanna-bes?? Seems like everyone wants to be a bull until it’s time to do bullsh*t??

Again, thank you to anyone who has advice; any and all is welcome.

[afagehi7]

Welcome to the forum. You've gotten farther than most of us.

While this is not proven, if you could implement a better screening situation that could help. If you are clear on what you are looking for and have pics that would help. Some people put some secret information buried in their description (eg respond with banana as the first word) to figure out which guys actually read the profile information and which ones are just mass mailing everyone.

If it got to heavy petting I can't understand why he wouldn't want to finish. If he wasn't interested he should have walked away before that point.

You might try posting in the ask a VHW thread too whereby only verified hotwives can respond to get a verified female perspective.

Also, not sure which website you're using but SLS is popular in the States

[The good hub]

Yup, that’s the site. Appreciate the advice and your right; we have discussed editing our profile but then we question if it’s even worth renewing? Maybe change to another site? AFF I’ve heard is good?

He wanted to finish in the car but he wasn’t properly “prepared “ she said. Maybe he’s pissed cause she was insisting on safety? I’m snipped and she is not on any bc so we can’t be careless.

We are thinking about insisting on a video chat to screen guys? Again, we are new to this so wondering what works? We had another meeting set up for last weekend and she was so excited. After days of messaging and making specific day and time plans, he ghosted. To the point of either deleting his profile or blocking us!! This is taking a toll on my wife’s self-esteem and I feel much more of this will make her change her mind

[SilverStag]

Good advice from afagehi.

A lot of guys get cold feet once things get real. Sometimes it is guilt, or they are cheating on someone and get worried (as they should), sometimes it seemed like a good idea, but they can't pull it off. There are myriad reasons, so don't beat yourselves up over it. It happens to all of us.

Vetting the guys is key. Many adult dating sites (ok...swinger dating sites) have an area on a profile for compliments and endorsements. Unless she is looking for a guy to have a romantic entanglement with, and she is both aware and encouraging the guys to play with others, then you can rely a bit on what their previous lovers have said about them and their skill set. It isn't fool proof, (there will never be bad reviews posted) but if a guy's references say he shows up and behaves as well as having a high sexual IQ, then a non-committal meet (no sex) with the both of you to break the ice and get acquainted is a good start before the fireworks begin.

Cecil has profiles on AFF, SLS and Kasidie. There is a never-ending stream of offers but using the "trap" requiring that they respond with certain phrases or answers (to ensure they read her entire profile and are not just clicking on the pics) helps weed out the wanna bes.

[The good hub]

We definitely need to screen better. Any red flags on profiles or responses you all have seen that a new person maybe wouldn’t notice ?

[snoogaloo82]

I want to start by thanking this site and its members for sharing their experiences and knowledge. It is not easy to get creditable information on this lifestyle and for that I am grateful.

Intro first? Seems like my story is pretty typical. I am 50yrs old and wife is 42. Married 17yrs, together 20yrs. We have a great marriage and life, couldn’t be happier. Our sex life was “vanilla “ but totally satisfying. She was a V when we got together and her only other cock was a tiny (her word) one night stand she had when we briefly broke up early in our relationship. Fast forward to just after new years of this year. We were in a bit of a rut. Life was pulling us in too many different directions and I swear this is true; I became convinced that becoming a hotwife couple would bring us closer!! So, one night after a we had a few drinks, I dropped the bomb on her…..

To say it went poorly is a gross understatement!! By far the worst argument of our marriage!! First, I got the typical “you’re only suggesting this cause you’re cheating on me” response. Then I got “you must not love me anymore “ followed closely by “that’s disgusting, you’re a pervert “. I had done my research and had the right responses to her accusations but I backed off and let her process what I was proposing. Again for a woman who sexually conservative with only 2 sexual partners, this had to be shocking!!

After doing her own research, she slowly came around to the idea and a lot of her interest was that this would be our thing. It totally worked!! We communicated better and it was like throwing gas on our smoldering sex life fire!! This led to us signing up for some hook up sites, getting flooded with responses, and eventually deciding to socially meet our first guy 2 months ago. He was a nice guy but not what we were expecting from a bull-type; very quiet and unassuming. No lie, he was dressed like Mr. Rogers, lol!! Wife was still interested though and we talked about getting together again. Then he ghosted us…..A few weeks later, we set up another social meeting. This guy was more stereotypical but still on the quiet side so things progressed slowly. We all had had a bit too much to drink by the time it was suggested they go outside to get to know each other better. After a half hour or so, I had no problem finding the car they were in; only one with windows completely fogged over!! I pulled along side and she jumped out with heels in one hand and her panties in the other!! What a beautiful sight!!

At this point, we seemed to be on our way but sadly, that’s where it ends. They had made out and done some heavy petting. She was so horny she put her feet up on the dash and I played with her pussy as I drove home. We fucked the second we got home and it was some of our best ever. She was so excited about meeting this guy again and finishing what they had started….. then he ghosted us. Well, not completely but now is “sooooo” busy and just doesn’t respond for days when we ask to meet up.

So now we are stuck on what to do next? It gets extremely time consuming and confusing to message more than a few guys at a time. While these 2 were real, we have been ghosted by countless others on the site after we send pics even though our profile has enough pics to know if you would be attracted. Any advice on how to weed through all the fakes, flakes, and wanna-bes?? Seems like everyone wants to be a bull until it’s time to do bullsh*t??

Again, thank you to anyone who has advice; any and all is welcome.

I have to agree with the two previous guys. They have a lock on it. I hope you find all the info you need, but if you don't please let me know.

[2inUPMichigan]

For me if a man pushes to meet that same week I back off as there is probably something he is hiding. I understand that some people meet right away, but personally I don't meet anyone unless I am convinced we are on the same page and appear to be compatible.

I have no interest in meeting a bunch of random guys only to find out they are duds, not studs

I do not respond to men who have pictures of themselves with other women on their profile. I do not respond to men that send unsolicited dick pics. I do not respond to men that send one word messages or "what's up?"
I do not interact with men who wax poetic about their performance on their profile. Bragging does not impress me!

If a man's messages focus mainly on what a woman can do for him then that will be his focus during a play date.
If he leads with a dick pic know that his dick is his focus and not you.

The term "bull" has been adopted by men who think they know what it means and by those who thinks it is an easy way for them to get sex. The same for "Dom". Those who fit those terms don't necessarily use them, they just are.

Less is more (what they don't tell you about profiles)
You don't have to include full nudity to find the right guys. You don't need to show your face on your profile to find great guys.
You should explain what your expectations are, if there is anything you are definitely not interested in and anything special about your dynamic.

Make it fun and flirty
Make them work for it
If they contact you be ready with some basic questions to help you find out anything important that would immediately weed out your non-negotiables.

Don't just start chatting without getting the info you need!
Sure flirting and sexting can be a fun and important part but don't forget to do your due diligence

[The good hub]

Thank you 2inUP, a lot of useful information. Will definitely have my wife read this tonight

[snoogaloo82]

For me if a man pushes to meet that same week I back off as there is probably something he is hiding. I understand that some people meet right away, but personally I don't meet anyone unless I am convinced we are on the same page and appear to be compatible.

I have no interest in meeting a bunch of random guys only to find out they are duds, not studs

I do not respond to men who have pictures of themselves with other women on their profile. I do not respond to men that send unsolicited dick pics. I do not respond to men that send one word messages or "what's up?"
I do not interact with men who wax poetic about their performance on their profile. Bragging does not impress me!

If a man's messages focus mainly on what a woman can do for him then that will be his focus during a play date.
If he leads with a dick pic know that his dick is his focus and not you.

The term "bull" has been adopted by men who think they know what it means and by those who thinks it is an easy way for them to get sex. The same for "Dom". Those who fit those terms don't necessarily use them, they just are.

Less is more (what they don't tell you about profiles)
You don't have to include full nudity to find the right guys. You don't need to show your face on your profile to find great guys.
You should explain what your expectations are, if there is anything you are definitely not interested in and anything special about your dynamic.

Make it fun and flirty
Make them work for it
If they contact you be ready with some basic questions to help you find out anything important that would immediately weed out your non-negotiables.

Don't just start chatting without getting the info you need!
Sure flirting and sexting can be a fun and important part but don't forget to do your due diligence

WOW! That's some amazing advice! I'll definitely let me sweetie know about this.

[The good hub]

2inUP, I am trying to catch up on your “our story” post. I am only up to the 20th page but it is absolutely riveting!! I am encouraging my wife to start reading it also because as I read a lot of what you wrote, it’s almost her thoughts to the tee!! I do have a question if you’re reading this tho; how different would the beginning of your journey have been had your husband NOT offered to let you play alone? (I’m struggling with that concept, lol)

Our journey has stalled and it is time to change tactics. She is struggling with the emotions involved (getting your hopes up then feeling rejected) so we have agreed that I will be handling all the messages and responses.

Has anyone taken this approach? Is it too intimidating/extreme?

I also changed our profile on the hook up site from vague and playful to direct and almost rude. Probably off-putting but I have to get through all the fakes somehow.

[philxxo]

This is a great story and I am following the advice here closely. It seems like it was so easy for the OP. Wish I could say the same.

[The good hub]

Philxxo, glad you like it. Actually just writing and hoping for advice:guidance. Also, somewhat therapeutic cause we are very private with this new interest so can’t talk to my usual outlets. The value of the content on this site has been immeasurable!!

Small update: had one interesting response to our new profile. Unfortunately, our play time availabilities don’t match up. I’m not a quitter (to a fault at times) and even though she’s pulled back a little, I will keep searching. It is hard to explain to outsiders but I’m sure some of you will understand; Hotwifing, even in our limited capacity, has brought us much closer as a couple!!

[Seekingmore12]

Welcome and enjoy the journey

[snoogaloo82]

Philxxo, glad you like it. Actually just writing and hoping for advice:guidance. Also, somewhat therapeutic cause we are very private with this new interest so can’t talk to my usual outlets. The value of the content on this site has been immeasurable!!

Small update: had one interesting response to our new profile. Unfortunately, our play time availabilities don’t match up. I’m not a quitter (to a fault at times) and even though she’s pulled back a little, I will keep searching. It is hard to explain to outsiders but I’m sure some of you will understand; Hotwifing, even in our limited capacity, has brought us much closer as a couple!!

I wouldn't be a quitter either! You keep going for it as eventually things will happen!

[aztd]

Coming along quickly

[The good hub]

In reading other’s experiences, seems like we are in the middle time- frame wise? Thing is, we are both quite eager to attempt the next and final step. I say “attempt” only because neither of us have any experience with this so there is a possibility one or both of us could change our minds. We have both enjoyed our experiences thus far so no reason to think the next will be any different. However, the more time that passses dealing with flakes and fakes, doubts start to creep in.

[Carlas husband]

A few weeks ago, Carla and I went on a weekend trip and stayed at a hotel. Carla set up a date with a guy and I took a walk. The poor guy couldn’t perform, and explained that he was severely affected by my suitcase being in the hotel room!
Now, if a husband’s suitcase can cause such insecurities, imagine what the presence of the husband himself can do.
I believe that not many men are capable of having sex with a woman while her husband is watching. Many believe they can, few actually can. This could very well be the root cause of your problem.
So, could it be an idea to ask questions like “have you done it before” or “what makes you believe you are actually capable” or “what can we do to enable you to perform?”
I would go for the guys who acknowledge that it is challenging to perform in the presence of the husband, but can argue why they believe they can overcome those challenges, and explain how you and your wife can support them.

[The good hub]

Carlas husband, thank you for the response. It is great to hear from others with experience. Admittedly, we are coming into this basically blind and had not considered a lot of the feeling/emotions that surround the hotwife core from the side of the one joining us. Honestly, I thought it would be easier but we are learning.

Me not being there is something I struggle with. I attribute that to this being brand new and while I trust my wife 1000%, it’s the other guy I am skeptical of. As an example, our one and only meet up where anything sexual happened, they went out to the car to get to know each other while I stayed in the bar. That was a huge leap of faith for me but we had been conversing with the guy for a few hours at this point. He seemed legit. After a longer than agreed upon time passed, I had to go find them and was kinda concerned by this point. All was good as we drove home and she gave me the details of their play until…..

she said he asked to fuck her.
She asked if he had a condom?
He said no but I (hub) said it was ok??

It was discussed multiple times prior that condoms are hard rule for us. He knew it and tried to manipulate the situation to suit his purpose. Wife was not fooled and he did not push it any further but I can’t help but think had I been there, it would not have even been brought up?

So yeah, I realize this would be much easier if she played alone but I’m not there yet. I am working on it. In some good news, wife has signed up for this site and will hopefully be posting on here. Just waiting on her approval

[snoogaloo82]

Carlas husband, thank you for the response. It is great to hear from others with experience. Admittedly, we are coming into this basically blind and had not considered a lot of the feeling/emotions that surround the hotwife core from the side of the one joining us. Honestly, I thought it would be easier but we are learning.

Me not being there is something I struggle with. I attribute that to this being brand new and while I trust my wife 1000%, it’s the other guy I am skeptical of. As an example, our one and only meet up where anything sexual happened, they went out to the car to get to know each other while I stayed in the bar. That was a huge leap of faith for me but we had been conversing with the guy for a few hours at this point. He seemed legit. After a longer than agreed upon time passed, I had to go find them and was kinda concerned by this point. All was good as we drove home and she gave me the details of their play until…..

she said he asked to fuck her.
She asked if he had a condom?
He said no but I (hub) said it was ok??

It was discussed multiple times prior that condoms are hard rule for us. He knew it and tried to manipulate the situation to suit his purpose. Wife was not fooled and he did not push it any further but I can’t help but think had I been there, it would not have even been brought up?

So yeah, I realize this would be much easier if she played alone but I’m not there yet. I am working on it. In some good news, wife has signed up for this site and will hopefully be posting on here. Just waiting on her approval

That's a real shame that the guy tried to trick your wife! How much lower could he have stooped? I think that this proves that you're wife is smart and can deal with these guys. I think you have to weed out the bad guys and get to know them personally by having drinks a couple of times, or at least chatting online a few days. I'm sure other people have other ideas, and I"m looking forward to hearing what they have to say, too.

[Carlas husband]

Carlas husband, thank you for the response. It is great to hear from others with experience. Admittedly, we are coming into this basically blind and had not considered a lot of the feeling/emotions that surround the hotwife core from the side of the one joining us. Honestly, I thought it would be easier but we are learning.

Me not being there is something I struggle with. I attribute that to this being brand new and while I trust my wife 1000%, it’s the other guy I am skeptical of. As an example, our one and only meet up where anything sexual happened, they went out to the car to get to know each other while I stayed in the bar. That was a huge leap of faith for me but we had been conversing with the guy for a few hours at this point. He seemed legit. After a longer than agreed upon time passed, I had to go find them and was kinda concerned by this point. All was good as we drove home and she gave me the details of their play until…..

she said he asked to fuck her.
She asked if he had a condom?
He said no but I (hub) said it was ok??

It was discussed multiple times prior that condoms are hard rule for us. He knew it and tried to manipulate the situation to suit his purpose. Wife was not fooled and he did not push it any further but I can’t help but think had I been there, it would not have even been brought up?

So yeah, I realize this would be much easier if she played alone but I’m not there yet. I am working on it. In some good news, wife has signed up for this site and will hopefully be posting on here. Just waiting on her approval

Carla’s estimate: “Out of 20 men wanting to have sex with me, 18 would get cold feet just by being told you will watch. Out of the remaining two, at least one would get cold feet when actually being in the room with you present”.
So, yes, it is much easier when she plays alone. But you are not comfortable with that, and that is OK. Don’t do anything you don’t want to do. That will ruin everything for both you and your wife.

[hoping_she_will_1day]

You've progressed a bit further than we have at this point, being as your wife has had some fun. But we're in a similar place with finding the right guy. My wife and I talked about this very thing this morning when she explained to me that even though there were quite a few messages to our profile that she didn't reply to, it wasn't because she wasn't paying attention, but more so because they didn't suit her. There've been plenty of the "Sup" or "How you doin" posts, but very few who reached out with an inclination that they took the time to read our profile. She's not looking for a tally of how many dicks she can get, she's looking for someone who has something in common and that she (or we) could have dinner and drinks with and not feel creepy afterwards.
Our situation started with my desire to see her with someone else, and that's the approach that she's taking. If ours develops into a solo play later on then it'll mean that things have gone very well for us.
Patience is a virtue, or so they say.
All good things come to those who wait, or so they say.
My point is, if you and your wife have an understanding of what you both want from this, keep that in focus as you progress.

[The good hub]

Thank you all for the comments. It certainly helps

HSW1D, your wife couldn’t be more right about the “supp” or “what you doing” responses on the site we use!! I have been out of the dating scene for 20yrs but is that how guys pick up girls now?? WTF!! Look, I get it, it’s a hook up site but you still gotta put in a little work!!

Carlas husband, I am actually surprised that she thinks 19 or of 20 wouldn’t be able to go through with sex with me present? Again, new to this and probably basing my knowledge off of porn (I know, bad idea, lol) but I had in my head their was a huge number of men who were into being the third in a Hotwifing situation? Although we have gotten over 100 responses, none so far.

A little update with some good news. Last night, we were contacted by a new potential guy. Was conversing with me and is agreeable to meeting just me first. Seems to understand our situation and is on board. Planning to meet him soon and we will see how it goes. First meet up since revising our profile.

[The good hub]

Uggh!! Why does no one read a profile before responding!! Previously mentioned guy who was on board with our set up, all the sudden questions why I would need to meet him and cancelled. Another on bites the dust

However…. Almost immediately after that guy cancelled, we were contacted by a new guy. Told him we were out having a drink and he was welcome to join us. Damned if he didn’t actually show up!! Had a great time chatting and while we didn’t have a lot of time , we plan on meeting again when we do. Hope is restored!!

[snoogaloo82]

Uggh!! Why does no one read a profile before responding!! Previously mentioned guy who was on board with our set up, all the sudden questions why I would need to meet him and cancelled. Another on bites the dust

However…. Almost immediately after that guy cancelled, we were contacted by a new guy. Told him we were out having a drink and he was welcome to join us. Damned if he didn’t actually show up!! Had a great time chatting and while we didn’t have a lot of time , we plan on meeting again when we do. Hope is restored!!

Am so happy that your hope is restored!! It can be trying at times, but am happy to hear that you've found someone. I can't wait to hear how things go between the three of you!!

[The good hub]

Well, sometimes life is weird with its twists and turns….

We had planned to social meet with a new guy today. We only had a few hours and didn’t have very high hopes for this meet up. Just proves you should give every opportunity a chance cause he turned out to be our best meet up yet!! He has LS experience and the difference between he and the “amateur “ guys we had met previously was apparent. Wife is quite smitten with this a guy so we will see how it progresses

. That’s all for now