My introduction & why I am "HesitantHannah"

[HesitantHannah]

Hey Everyone.

I don't know how or where to begin so I'm sorry if this is an awkward introduction post.

I am Hannah, I'm 26 and have been married to my husband Josh (27) since 2018 but we have been "together" for almost 14 years now.

I found this website in January after an awkward Google search but didn't join until 6 weeks ago. Ever since then, I have been struggling with this "introduction." I have backed out of posting at least a dozen time because this just feels super uncomfortable to talk about to strangers on the internet especially on a website like this one.

So, why am I here then?

For the last 11 years, starting when we were first dating, my (now) husband has made me aware of his love and passion for the "hotwife" lifestyle and his obsession with the idea of sharing me with other men -- specifically black men. There are dozens of terms he has used but since this website is about the "hotwife lifestyle" I will stick with that.

Early on I thought it was funny, for a while I was hurt and bothered by it, and eventually I came to a place of kind of acceptance with it but have never been on board because I just couldn't get my mind around it or get over the mental hump of that being too extremee. He regularly over the last 11 years has talked about and tried to talk me into participating but I have always drawn the line at dirty talk in the bedroom, roleplay and other play between the two of us.

99% of our sexual interactions revolve around hotwifing/interracial sex/me "hooking up with another man behind my husband's back". It started with me watching pornography with him that fit those themes, progressed to him buying "bbc" dildos and toys and clothing that I would wear privately for him or underneath regular clothes in public, and he even purchased a "bbc" penis sleeve which we haven't used often because I do not really enjoy that.

Still, every holiday or birthday and many times at just random times he will beg me to consider having sex with another man/other men while he watches. and on birthdays and holidays I can't remember the last time he HASN'T made a comment about being disappointed that he didn't get the "gift he really wanted."

Last spring my father appointed me to replace him at the manufacturing & distribution company he founded 30 years ago and also hired my husband. We had been living a few states away since leaving for college and this allowed us to get back home, have much better income, and be closer to family since we have been talking about starting our own.

It is a small company (under 30 employees) including my husband there are 24 men 17 of which are black. This obviously has been something that my husband has used for role-play scenarios but last fall I was informed that he was showing/sharing sexual pictures and videos of me with some of the guys at work.

He eventually admitted that he had been sharing this type of thing for years with coworkers, classmates, friends, and others. He explained why he did it and liked doing it and I agreed that he could continue to share but only if he at least let me know he was doing it and who he was sharing it with/asked me if he could.

I thought that might fulfill his whole "lifestyle" fantasy/desire but it only intensified it. Idk if it is just that time has broken down my resistance or if a decade of constant roleplay about this subject has desensitized me but I have found that I've been increasingly turned on thinking about this and roleplaying about this and have been considering since roughly last december fulfilling my husband's greatest fantasy and physically participating in the "hotwife lifestyle."

I've even discussed it with a guy who said he is willing to be our +1 BUT he would want to have sex with me one on one before involving my husband.

Because of him saying that had to happen first I've kind've backtracked to being hesitant again. because that would be a big step to take from where I've been for more than a decade.

My husband's birthday is on June 6th and IF I'm going to do this I thought that would be the perfect day to surprise him.

BUT I am worried that, despite what he says, this is just a fantasy for him and if we actually participated it would put our relationship in jeopardy.

How often do couples end up regretting this? I'm also worried about what happens if I enjoy this experience.

I am hesitant whether I should try this for my husband and for myself OR if I should just close the door on it forever.

[armyguyot1]

Welcome to the forum HesitantHannah. The sixth would be a good time as with it being special it would be particularly easy to blow it off is something went wrong. Easier than just ant date.

[Pecannut]

I think it is completely just up to you what you want. If you don't want to have sex with anyone else you shouldn't eventhough we pervy cucks and wannabees would so much love to see it.

[leggysman]

How often do couples end up regretting this? I'm also worried about what happens if I enjoy this experience.

I am hesitant whether I should try this for my husband and for myself OR if I should just close the door on it forever.

Welcome

I don't recall seeing an instance where the initially hesitant wife regretted going through with it. Most often, the newfound sexual freedom seems to be a revelation. In some instances the husband hasn't handled the reality very well to start with, but even they seemed to sort themselves out (and want more). Once my wife (leggysandy) finally agreed, she went all in, and I was over the moon. Giddy even. We both were.

Being able to have a happy marriage, a monogamous husband, a renewed/supercharged married sex life, and date and have sex like a single girl, with your choice of new partners -- seems like a "cake and eat it" situation (as our Farmgirl has said), no? Too good to be true, yet it can be true

Enjoying the experience is the point! I'm sure he hopes you do -- most of us wouldn't want our wives to do it purely for our sakes, mechanically tolerating the experience, as a gift. Seeing your spouse in lust with another man is what makes it hot!

Please keep us updated

[sensitivestud13]

Wow where to begin?

Your father appointed you to run his company and also brought your husband on board. You don't state what your roles are. Assuming the company is successful, and after 30 years, it probably is....I think you need to separate your work like from your private life. Absolutely do not bring in any employees into your private sexual life. It can only muddy the waters as far as your leadership role with the company. And you risk getting sued should something go wrong! Those black men are your employees, not your slaves. They have so much recourse with labor laws now.

If you should go through with your husband's request/fantasy...I would find a suitable partner outside the company.

[frank12]

snip....
I don't recall seeing an instance where the initially hesitant wife regretted going through with it.
...snip

Is there some biased selection though of who might tell of their outcomes? Perhaps those initially hesitant wives for whom there was a devastating crash and burn with injuries strewn about are less likely to return here to tell of their attempt at flying?

[Blackjack4724]

Wow where to begin?

Your father appointed you to run his company and also brought your husband on board. You don't state what your roles are. Assuming the company is successful, and after 30 years, it probably is....I think you need to separate your work like from your private life. Absolutely do not bring in any employees into your private sexual life. It can only muddy the waters as far as your leadership role with the company. And you risk getting sued should something go wrong! Those black men are your employees, not your slaves. They have so much recourse with labor laws now.

If you should go through with your husband's request/fantasy...I would find a suitable partner outside the company.

I agree totally. No matter what your role is in your father’s company you DO NOT want to involve any of your employees. There are so many things that can and most likely will go wrong with any scenario involving one of the people that work there. Once you had sex with one of them, they would own you and most likely end up owning some or all of your father’s company. I would also recommend your husband cease to show employees sexual pictures of you. That can only turn out poorly as well. So that is the first advice I would give and also concur with.

Secondly, this is not uncommon that the husband initiates the desire for his wife to engage in sex with other men. It sounds as if he’s been relentless on suggesting you at least try it. It has not been our experience that a couple experimenting with hotwifing has led to a break up or conflict with the marriage. It is simply that if you both agree to move forward, you first establish some ground rules. There’s no set list but the list is simply made up of the do’s and don’ts of what is acceptable play at the first encounter. You may have more don’ts than your hubby but again that is fairly normal for the first session. However, I will tell you that your first time will seem awkward and you will most likely feel some reservation and hesitation which is totally normal. So, don’t let your first experience be the gauge of whether this will work for you guys. It really takes getting comfortable with your partner and just enjoying the sex like you would have before you were married.

Third, if you’re coming around to the idea, try it a few times. Remember, this was initially your husbands idea. I will tell you though, fantasy is far removed from reality. So your husband may also have different feelings about things after you actually go thru with it. But the biggest key to all of this is communication. There are no secrets. Everything is on the table and open for discussion. Otherwise it can become this secret thing that starts going on behind one another’s back and THAT is what leads to marital issues. So you both have to agree to full disclosure about what you’re doing, who you’re doing it with and how you both feel about it afterwards.

I recommend at least trying it to see if it enhances your relationship and if it truely satisfies your husbands sexual fantasies. But don’t do it if you are totally against it or if you’re doing it just for him. If you find sexual gratification by participating then move forward. It’s ok for you to enjoy the experience to the fullest.

Sorry for the long reply but you’re right it’s a big first step and you have every right to ask questions to make sure your head is in the right place.
-Tammy

[glassfull]

Sensitivestud and Tammy, you are so right on about the work thing. Especially with you, Hannah, being in a situation of management and ownership. DO NOT EVEN THINK OF DOING IT WITH WORK PEOPLE!!! HUBBY SHOULD NOT SHOW THEM PICS OF YOU. STOP, DO NOT PASS GO, DO NOT COLLECT $200!

And Tammy, your other observations and pieces of advice are right on. That's what makes this Site the great place it is.

That said, Hannah, I'm all in and all for a husband sharing his wife if she is willing. But there is a right way and a wrong way to do anything...

[Gulfcpl]

Fantasy, even if turned into reality, is one thing but meshing this with your career and livelihood is a recipe for disaster. If you do this outside your work obligations and you don’t care for it, you can always just stop. If this involves in any way your company and livelihood, you could lose everything, not to mention the disrespect of your employees and your family. Your father gave you a wonderful gift in showing that he has confidence in you to lead this company. Don’t blow it over your husband’s fantasies. Also, showing photos and videos to other workers is totally irresponsible and immature at best. Apparently you are a very intelligent young lady. Use this intelligence to the fullest, not for your or your husband’s libido. Good luck to you.

[leggysman]

Guys, the OP didn't actually say that they were considering playing with work colleagues - just "a guy".

She only said that the workmates were in the role-play and fantasy talk, and being shown pictures.

[Blackjack4724]

Guys, the OP didn't actually say that they were considering playing with work colleagues - just "a guy".

She only said that the workmates were in the role-play and fantasy talk, and being shown pictures.

I want to make sure I understand. So you’re saying her husband showing her employees nude pictures and sex videos of their new boss or part owner is ok? Why else would he be showing those things to his co-workers if he wasn’t looking for a likely candidate for her to hook up with?

Sorry, I can’t get on board with mixing this lifestyle with an employer and an employee. Please explain how this can be a good thing in any way. As previously stated, I don’t see how any of this can be beneficial, especially for someone that is considering just starting into this lifestyle.
-Tammy

[leggysman]

So you’re saying her husband showing her employees nude pictures and sex videos of their new boss or part owner is ok?

Not at all. I don't think showing nudes of anybody to anybody without informed consent from all parties is OK. But, he's done it (with many people, sounds like) and it can't be undone. The OP seems to have made peace with it somewhat.

I was just pointing out that everyone seems to be assuming she's planning to sleep with (and/or rhetorically enslave) all her black subordinates, but that's not what she said.

Agreed that mixing lifestyle and work is generally a bad idea, and particularly if you have a high profile.

[hotwifeholly]

Hannah,

I can completely relate and understand the emotional rollercoaster, hesitancy and concerns. So many mixed emotions and I'm sure your head is spinning like mine was when my husband wanted to push the limits and boundaries as it related to our lifestyle fun and adventures. It most certainly is a big step for you as it was for me and extremely difficult to comprehend how things may change after you take the plunge.
First off, always make sure your fun is discreet. We have always been able to separate our normal lives from our more adventurous and kinky secret lives. Secondly, always be extremely careful and selective. It is important that you are 100% comfortable in all situations. Finally, the fun can and does get addictive. For me there was no turning back and I wanted more and more.

Even though my husband and I had a lot of lifestyle fun previously, his desire of me being with black men was very similar to what you described. It was very difficult to get my head around the entire concept and I had many concerns. At same time, I was overly excited the more and more we discussed, role-played and explored. The goal is no regrets, truly enjoy your naughty fun and strengthening your connection with your husband. I'm here for you girl, let me know any way I can help and good luck!

[philxxo]

Hello and welcome Hannah. Showing your naked pictures to others without your permission? Not OK or cool at all. If you decide do this, do it for yourself, not for him. Only do this if it's something you would be interested to do for your own pleasure. If you do it for him, there will be no end to it in the future. He will be harassing you to continue til the end of time.

[MartasBoy]

I have backed out of posting at least a dozen time because this just feels super uncomfortable to talk about to strangers on the internet especially on a website like this one.


BUT I am worried that, despite what he says, this is just a fantasy for him and if we actually participated it would put our relationship in jeopardy.

How often do couples end up regretting this? I'm also worried about what happens if I enjoy this experience.

I am hesitant whether I should try this for my husband and for myself OR if I should just close the door on it forever.

Many of us guys who have pushed our wives to try this, have had moments of being freaked out when we finally get our wish. But ultimately we end up loving it.

It is nothing to be embarrassed about. I have searched my heart and soul for years, trying to decide what is it about this that is so exciting. I've decided that it is the extreme version of those moments of excitement we get when we realize that other men desire our wife.

At the very basic level it's like when we walk into a bar or restaurant with our wife and we catch other men admiring her. It is an ego rush to think that we are with a woman who other men desire.

Not all men enjoy this. It's mostly insecure men who are threatened by other men desiring their wife. These are guys who want to hide their wife at home and get mad if she gives a friendly smile to someone.

But for most of the rest of us, we love it when our buddies tell us how lucky we are and how much they like our wife. It is flattering. It is a bit of an ego trip. Then maybe one of our guys will admit that they have a crush on our wife, or think about her.

Wanting our wife to be a hot wife is just taking it up to an extreme level. Some men are very possessive. But at the end of the day, it's just enjoying sexual pleasure with another person. Wives get massages, they get Chiropractic adjustments, they have somebody do their hair. It's nice to have attention and physical touch from another person. Hot wifing is just a woman getting some attention and sexual excitement from someone else.

We are the men who can let go of that fear and insecurity and enjoy the ego trip of someone desiring our wife so much.

We still have strong remnants in our society, of that early 1900s Victorian mentality, that women are not supposed to be sexual beings. There was actually a belief at one time that only men derive pleasure from sex. Women don't need to derive pleasure, it was believed that women should not feel pleasure. All they need to do is be receptive vessels for receiving a man's seed and having a baby.

We know better than that now. Women are capable of enjoying sexual pleasure. But there are still some remnants of that Victorian mentality, that it's wrong for a woman to desire excitement and adventure through sex.

We still lay some of those old Victorian expectations on women, that they are supposed to be happy with one man, to be a housewife and mother, and to put aside other pleasures.

Hot wives are people who have decided to break free of these Victorian constraints and embrace the sexual desire that God and nature (depending on what you believe), gave us all, both men and women.

You have nothing to feel guilty or ashamed about. If you are starting to fantasize about it and feel some excitement about it, give it a try. You don't have to continue if you don't like it. You are, and should be, in charge of your body and any sexual experience you share with another. You get to say who it is, when and where it happens, and exactly what you do with that person. You also have the right to decide that it isn't for you and to end it whenever.

Men have had extramarital affairs as long as time has been measured. It was once believed that men needed to have Mistresses and affairs, because we have a need for excitement and adventure through sex. It was wrongfully believed that women really only needed one man, someone to impregnate them and help them become a mother.

Hot wives have learned something important, that women desire adventure, variety, and excitement. And, it is not cheating or dishonest, or immoral, if you are doing it with your husband's knowledge and blessing. I know we would all love to hear what you ultimately decide, and how it turns out for you, if you are comfortable sharing. Good luck, be free, and have fun.

[Shiphead]

I just want to agree with most of the replies above. Gulfcpl gave a very good reply.
What your husband is doing without your permission is atrocious at best. Then, to share your intimate pictures with the employees of YOUR company built by the hard work of YOUR FAMILY is plain just fucked up. Fire him for his inappropriate behavior at your company. That is how you can save face as the leader of the company. You can still get the money he was making without him being there. Be a boss and leader of your legacy immediately. That way you insulate the company from lawsuits by a disgruntled employee if one is ever let go.
Also, don't include friends, employees or anyone in your community especially for the first time. That way you can leave the LS if it doesn't work out.and be able to continue the LS when you want to indulge. Your husband has put you and your company in peril. Time for you to clean up his mess. I so want to demean his intelligence but it's against the rules.

[SCBlknNsty]

Welcome Hannah!
I'm a lifestyle experienced Black man and I agree with all of the posts against workplace dalliances. Josh did not respect you, your marriage, or your employer (father) by having those discussions and I would bet that all 17 of the Black employees are aware of it whether you or Josh spoke to them or not and it's already detracting from operational efficiency.

There's nothing wrong with either of you having the fantasy or considering it, but I think Josh crossed the male place referred to as 'thinking with the wrong/lower head' and to the extent you have been objectified. You MUST slap some sense into his head before considering doing this for his birthday.

[Restarting]

I 100% agree with the responses you've received, Hannah. Successful navigation of the lifestyle requires unbridled communication. Making it clear that showing pictures of you behind your back is wrong, would be an excellent area of focus. Most would agree that the lifestyle only works when the marriage is on solid ground. I feel strongly that you both have some work to do before proceeding. Moving forward without that risks your happiness and possibly your marriage.

That said, when built on a solid foundation, I am the largest proponent of the lifestyle. My relationship with my wife, Mkindling, is stronger than ever as we approach our 50th anniversary.

On the professional side, 26 is a young age to take control of a company. However, you have a fiduciary responsibility to protect the company. Your husband has demonstrated disrespect of you and the company. This is an opportunity to develop, practice and demonstrate leadership that will define the future of the company and your career. His action represents a fireable offense. You don't have to be mean about the dismissal, but you must be decisive as a leader.

Unfortunately, if you don't take action quickly, I see no other outcome than an irreversibly toxic work environment that is destined for failure.

Shiphead is correct that you can figure a way to handle the income side (maybe pay yourself more?). Your husband might also gain some maturity if he can view the consequences of his choices. Hopefully work experience with a different organization will help him appreciate the importance of your decision and be happy with a new job.

Please talk with your husband enough to get on the same page. The effort will be worth it.

Best of luck to you! I look forward to follow your story through its challenges and successes.

[Restarting]

BTW, I wasn't suggesting your husband isn't in awe of you or doesn't love you.

[HesitantHannah]

Guys, the OP didn't actually say that they were considering playing with work colleagues - just "a guy".

She only said that the workmates were in the role-play and fantasy talk, and being shown pictures.

Thank you so much for understanding this.

YES to clarify for everyone, I would never consider anyone I work with or honestly anyone I know in my "private life."

The guy I was referring to is someone I met at my gym. I go for 45-60 minutes after work M-Th and we have been working out 2-3 times a week together for a few months. We also meet with a few other gym friends on m, w, f mornings to trail run after different places around town.

But all of those people in our running group/workout group only know me from the gym, they don't crossover with work or personal life.

[HesitantHannah]

The OP seems to have made peace with it somewhat.

Somewhat, sometimes.


also the whole conversation about subordinates and "enslaving" etc... makes me incredibly uncomfortable. I respect everyone that works with me and respect their right to be treated with respect and dignity and to have a great workplace environment.

My husband has more of an equal level workplace relationship with everyone at work -- the men and women of all colors.

And again, I would never consider that type or relationship at work -- especially since my father started the company and still is in and around multiple times a week. Like I wouldn't do it even if he wasn't but that just adds to me not being interested. and for more clarity, I wasn't aware of my husband sharing stuff until recently and it isn't something I'm comfortable with. I would have never said it was okay in the first place. It can be a bit difficult to really "boss" people when some of them have seen all parts of you, doing all sorts of things, in 4k. So, that is a separate issue that we are working through.

[HesitantHannah]

Thank you for your response and for your message. I'm not sure how to "reply" on those yet.

workplace...

Just to say again -- I would never consider a coworker/person who works "for me." As I said in another response the "guy" I referred to is someone I met at my gym.

However, I will tell you that your first time will seem awkward and you will most likely feel some reservation and hesitation which is totally normal. So, don’t let your first experience be the gauge of whether this will work for you guys.

This is why I have considered meeting with this "guy" for sex ahead of for my husband -- to work out one portion of the awkwardness.

I recommend at least trying it to see if it enhances your relationship and if it truely satisfies your husbands sexual fantasies. But don’t do it if you are totally against it or if you’re doing it just for him. If you find sexual gratification by participating then move forward. It’s ok for you to enjoy the experience to the fullest.

I want to say something about this portion but not publicly so I will try to PM.

[HesitantHannah]

Many of us guys who have pushed our wives to try this, have had moments of being freaked out when we finally get our wish. But ultimately we end up loving it.

It is nothing to be embarrassed about. I have searched my heart and soul for years, trying to decide what is it about this that is so exciting. I've decided that it is the extreme version of those moments of excitement we get when we realize that other men desire our wife.

Your entire post was so informative, thank you for sharing all of that!

[HesitantHannah]

I've been trying to respond to posts and messages but I don't think responses are posting and I also can't seem to figure out how to reply to PMs (maybe not allowed to yet?)

[MartasBoy]

Your quote post to me was successful. It appears above. Responses to private messages require someone to have made several posts. I forget whether it is five or eight or 10, before you are able to post private messages to people.
I'm so pleased that you found my post informative. I hope it helps you figure out what you want to do.

I find your exploration very interesting. I hope it turns out to be good for you.

Your quote post to me worked just fine. You properly clicked on the little quote marks icon and it created a new quote post window for you.