Made enough progress to share my story, but lots of work left to be done.
Posted: Tue Dec 24, 2024 1:42 pm
I imagine that the majority of people who visit this site simply read posts without registering/sharing because they want to learn about this lifestyle and don’t feel like they have much to share. For a few years I’ve certainly been one of those people. But my wife and I have made enough progress that I feel like it’s finally worth contributing. (I already regret this user name but c’est la vie.)
I (41M) met my wife (36F) in undergrad back in our 20’s. Long before meeting her (my wife), I spent a few years dating a girl who I was deeply in love with, but who turned out to be a sociopathic narcissist. She cheated on me repeatedly, and after each episode she would manipulate me into forgiving her and getting back together, only to keep repeating the cycle. Not to be melodramatic, but it was maybe the most deeply traumatizing experience of my life. After years of this, I swore her off and cut all contact.
After breaking things off with the sociopath, I began re-learning how to have healthy relationships and dating mostly nice girls who treated me well. Confusingly, I found myself sexualizing/fetishing the thought of them cheating on me. In retrospect, I can see that I was sexualizing my trauma. In the moment, though, I was convinced that I was just degenerating into a sick weirdo, so I never dared breathe a word of it to anyone.
In the series of relationships that followed, I dated mostly good girls, but the allure of the occasional crazy chick drew me in (there’s nothing better than sex with an insane woman). Once or twice over the years I discovered that one of the crazy ones was cheating on me (I partied a lot back then, as did the girls I dated) and couldn’t understand why my anger/jealousy also came with feelings of arousal. All the while, I never dared to breathe a word about it to anyone.
When I met my wife, she and I were both finishing college (I joined the military before going to school, which is why I was older than her at the time). I drunkenly hit on this hippie Asian girl at a hip hop show at the campus bar and somehow we hit it off, despite having almost nothing in common (she grew up in an impoverished immigrant family living in a majority-black city, and I’m one of the whitest dudes you’ll ever meet who grew up in the suburbs). Fast forward ten years or so and now we’re married, white-collar professionals with a couple of kids.
From the beginning of our relationship, I tried my best to be the man I thought she wanted, rather than trying to be myself. Eventually, I realized that pretending to be the perfect husband wasn’t sustainable. So, little by little I opened up to her about almost everything going on in my head, but there was this weird sexual kink I simply couldn’t bring myself to tell her about. I was secretly languishing with these cravings for her to have sex with other dudes. I simply couldn’t fathom how I would even begin to explain that to her.
One fateful night (about two years ago), my best friend drunkenly asked me if I wanted to fuck his wife. I thought it was a trap or something so I gave an ambiguous answer and changed the subject. The next weekend he brings it up again and this time he seemed genuine so I said yes (she’s smoking hot and I’ve always fantasized about her). Now, that obviously couldn’t actually happen because I wasn’t about to cheat on my wife. But we talked about it a lot and I realized that having fantasies of sharing your wife with others isn’t as weird as I thought. The seed was planted in my brain and I started searching these forums for tips on how to open up to my wife about hotwifing.
A few days later, inspired by a tip I read on here, I showed my wife this short film called “The Girlfriend Game,” hoping to use it as a segue to start the conversation. She remarked how weird it is for the main character to enjoy seeing his girlfriend with someone else, and I confided in her that I had the same kink. She was weirded out, but she loved me enough to indulge me with hotwife fantasy talk in the bedroom. We’d watch hotwife porn and share sexy fantasies during pillow talk, but it was clearly understood that this was merely a fantasy for the bedroom and nothing would happen in reality.
A year or so goes by with nothing but pillow talk and hotwife porn. One day (about six months ago) the doctor gives me a scary diagnosis that puts life into perspective. My medical issue turned out fine and life went back to normal, but I felt like I had a new perspective on life. I thought about all of the experiences I hoped to have but might never experience. So, in light of this, I had a serious heart-to-heart with my wife about how I wanted her to explore the bounds of her comfort zone (without doing anything she didn’t feel okay with). Her response was surprisingly positive. She said she didn’t want to have sex with anyone else, but would enjoy dancing/flirting/kissing someone if the right guy came along.
The next day I took her shopping for a sexy dress with plans for her to go by herself to a local dance club that night to find someone to mess around with. And that’s when we realized how boring we’d become. We both wake up early every day because, you know, we’re gainfully employed tax paying citizens. Why do you people stay up so late?? Don’t you have jobs?? By the time the club opened she was fighting to keep her eyes open. There was no way she was going to a dance club that night.
So I went back to the drawing board. Where could she go meet and flirt with dudes without having to stay up all night?
She agreed to walk around to a few bars in our city by herself during the early evening to see if she crossed paths with anyone who appealed to her, but that didn’t work. She only saw couples on dates and groups of friends, and nobody she found attractive. We live in a very tame, family-oriented city.
She refuses to join any apps or websites. She hates the thought of browsing through pictures of people like items on a menu. She also never feels attraction to someone without feeling a “vibe” in a face-to-face social interaction.
My only idea was to take her to a swingers’ club. The club doesn’t open until 10:00 PM (why do you people do this to yourselves??), so we still had to stay up late, but at least we could go together and I could keep her motivated and be her wingman. She only agreed to go because I assured her that there would be no pressure to do anything physical, and we could just watch other people fuck if that’s all we wanted. At first, it felt like things were going well, beyond merely indulging me, my wife clearly seemed to want to find someone to flirt/make out with, but most of the other guests in the club were yuck. There was one handsome single dude there who she found attractive, but when she went up and talked to him he was drunk and off putting. What a bummer. My wife and I wound up getting naked and going back into the play area (yikes!) together. It was a pretty wild scene! There were naked people fucking all around us. I’d never imagined that’s what it would look like! It was cool, but I was so nervous there’s no way in a million years I was going to get my dick hard. I just wound up going down on my wife until she came and then we got dressed and left. It was a fun sexual adventure, but not progress toward hotwifing.
We went back to the swingers’ club again last weekend to try again and it only went marginally better. First issue was that her period came at the worst time so her vagina was “closed for business,” as she put it. Still, she could flirt and dance and make out with someone, and maybe make some new friends. We got to the club shortly after it opened at 10:00 (again, why???) and sat at a table where we could see people entering and her plan was to pounce on the first attractive dude she saw. Her dream guy never appeared, sadly. Instead, an unappealing couple introduced themselves and joined us at our table (the wife was fuckable if you had a few beers, but the husband was ugly as shit). We made polite conversation and tried our best to be friendly and charming, but it just felt awkward because it seemed like they were looking for a full swap and I wasn’t giving the other wife any flirty attention. After a bunch of drinks my wife wound up making out with the other wife, which I guess is something. We left shortly after midnight when people started moving to the play area.
So that’s where we’re at. We talk openly about my desire to see her with other dudes. She tells me about it when she crosses paths with guys she’s attracted to in her daily comings and goings. She’s willing to go to swingers clubs. But the dudes there are mostly goobers and it gets awkward because the other couples seem to want to full swap and we’re just hotwifing. She doesn’t want to go online. I’ll keep contemplating the problem and update you if I find a solution.
I (41M) met my wife (36F) in undergrad back in our 20’s. Long before meeting her (my wife), I spent a few years dating a girl who I was deeply in love with, but who turned out to be a sociopathic narcissist. She cheated on me repeatedly, and after each episode she would manipulate me into forgiving her and getting back together, only to keep repeating the cycle. Not to be melodramatic, but it was maybe the most deeply traumatizing experience of my life. After years of this, I swore her off and cut all contact.
After breaking things off with the sociopath, I began re-learning how to have healthy relationships and dating mostly nice girls who treated me well. Confusingly, I found myself sexualizing/fetishing the thought of them cheating on me. In retrospect, I can see that I was sexualizing my trauma. In the moment, though, I was convinced that I was just degenerating into a sick weirdo, so I never dared breathe a word of it to anyone.
In the series of relationships that followed, I dated mostly good girls, but the allure of the occasional crazy chick drew me in (there’s nothing better than sex with an insane woman). Once or twice over the years I discovered that one of the crazy ones was cheating on me (I partied a lot back then, as did the girls I dated) and couldn’t understand why my anger/jealousy also came with feelings of arousal. All the while, I never dared to breathe a word about it to anyone.
When I met my wife, she and I were both finishing college (I joined the military before going to school, which is why I was older than her at the time). I drunkenly hit on this hippie Asian girl at a hip hop show at the campus bar and somehow we hit it off, despite having almost nothing in common (she grew up in an impoverished immigrant family living in a majority-black city, and I’m one of the whitest dudes you’ll ever meet who grew up in the suburbs). Fast forward ten years or so and now we’re married, white-collar professionals with a couple of kids.
From the beginning of our relationship, I tried my best to be the man I thought she wanted, rather than trying to be myself. Eventually, I realized that pretending to be the perfect husband wasn’t sustainable. So, little by little I opened up to her about almost everything going on in my head, but there was this weird sexual kink I simply couldn’t bring myself to tell her about. I was secretly languishing with these cravings for her to have sex with other dudes. I simply couldn’t fathom how I would even begin to explain that to her.
One fateful night (about two years ago), my best friend drunkenly asked me if I wanted to fuck his wife. I thought it was a trap or something so I gave an ambiguous answer and changed the subject. The next weekend he brings it up again and this time he seemed genuine so I said yes (she’s smoking hot and I’ve always fantasized about her). Now, that obviously couldn’t actually happen because I wasn’t about to cheat on my wife. But we talked about it a lot and I realized that having fantasies of sharing your wife with others isn’t as weird as I thought. The seed was planted in my brain and I started searching these forums for tips on how to open up to my wife about hotwifing.
A few days later, inspired by a tip I read on here, I showed my wife this short film called “The Girlfriend Game,” hoping to use it as a segue to start the conversation. She remarked how weird it is for the main character to enjoy seeing his girlfriend with someone else, and I confided in her that I had the same kink. She was weirded out, but she loved me enough to indulge me with hotwife fantasy talk in the bedroom. We’d watch hotwife porn and share sexy fantasies during pillow talk, but it was clearly understood that this was merely a fantasy for the bedroom and nothing would happen in reality.
A year or so goes by with nothing but pillow talk and hotwife porn. One day (about six months ago) the doctor gives me a scary diagnosis that puts life into perspective. My medical issue turned out fine and life went back to normal, but I felt like I had a new perspective on life. I thought about all of the experiences I hoped to have but might never experience. So, in light of this, I had a serious heart-to-heart with my wife about how I wanted her to explore the bounds of her comfort zone (without doing anything she didn’t feel okay with). Her response was surprisingly positive. She said she didn’t want to have sex with anyone else, but would enjoy dancing/flirting/kissing someone if the right guy came along.
The next day I took her shopping for a sexy dress with plans for her to go by herself to a local dance club that night to find someone to mess around with. And that’s when we realized how boring we’d become. We both wake up early every day because, you know, we’re gainfully employed tax paying citizens. Why do you people stay up so late?? Don’t you have jobs?? By the time the club opened she was fighting to keep her eyes open. There was no way she was going to a dance club that night.
So I went back to the drawing board. Where could she go meet and flirt with dudes without having to stay up all night?
She agreed to walk around to a few bars in our city by herself during the early evening to see if she crossed paths with anyone who appealed to her, but that didn’t work. She only saw couples on dates and groups of friends, and nobody she found attractive. We live in a very tame, family-oriented city.
She refuses to join any apps or websites. She hates the thought of browsing through pictures of people like items on a menu. She also never feels attraction to someone without feeling a “vibe” in a face-to-face social interaction.
My only idea was to take her to a swingers’ club. The club doesn’t open until 10:00 PM (why do you people do this to yourselves??), so we still had to stay up late, but at least we could go together and I could keep her motivated and be her wingman. She only agreed to go because I assured her that there would be no pressure to do anything physical, and we could just watch other people fuck if that’s all we wanted. At first, it felt like things were going well, beyond merely indulging me, my wife clearly seemed to want to find someone to flirt/make out with, but most of the other guests in the club were yuck. There was one handsome single dude there who she found attractive, but when she went up and talked to him he was drunk and off putting. What a bummer. My wife and I wound up getting naked and going back into the play area (yikes!) together. It was a pretty wild scene! There were naked people fucking all around us. I’d never imagined that’s what it would look like! It was cool, but I was so nervous there’s no way in a million years I was going to get my dick hard. I just wound up going down on my wife until she came and then we got dressed and left. It was a fun sexual adventure, but not progress toward hotwifing.
We went back to the swingers’ club again last weekend to try again and it only went marginally better. First issue was that her period came at the worst time so her vagina was “closed for business,” as she put it. Still, she could flirt and dance and make out with someone, and maybe make some new friends. We got to the club shortly after it opened at 10:00 (again, why???) and sat at a table where we could see people entering and her plan was to pounce on the first attractive dude she saw. Her dream guy never appeared, sadly. Instead, an unappealing couple introduced themselves and joined us at our table (the wife was fuckable if you had a few beers, but the husband was ugly as shit). We made polite conversation and tried our best to be friendly and charming, but it just felt awkward because it seemed like they were looking for a full swap and I wasn’t giving the other wife any flirty attention. After a bunch of drinks my wife wound up making out with the other wife, which I guess is something. We left shortly after midnight when people started moving to the play area.
So that’s where we’re at. We talk openly about my desire to see her with other dudes. She tells me about it when she crosses paths with guys she’s attracted to in her daily comings and goings. She’s willing to go to swingers clubs. But the dudes there are mostly goobers and it gets awkward because the other couples seem to want to full swap and we’re just hotwifing. She doesn’t want to go online. I’ll keep contemplating the problem and update you if I find a solution.
And apart from swinger clubs and such, this is going to be the best way to find men who don't mind dating a married woman whose husband is in-the-know, without them getting weirded out. Finding that out in the real world has got to be at least 10x more difficult.