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Sort of new. Conflicted
Posted: Sun Sep 21, 2025 7:50 am
by Asiancouple1995
We are a couple in our early 30's and are first generation Canadians although I came to Canada when I was 2 years old, she was 22. We have been married for four years.
When we got married, neither of us was sexually experienced. To make a long story short, she was seduced at work by a client from another city (we both work in finance). She broke down and told me about it. We grappled with the emotions but I was turned on by this. Particularly since he was able to give her orgasms and I cannot. We agreed she could sleep with him when he comes to Toronto. Always at his hotel. Honestly it didn't impact our lives except for a couple of days every couple of months.
But a couple of weeks ago I came home early from a conference. She has been taking tennis lessons and when I opened our condo door, it was pretty clear they were making out.
I left for an hour. Came back to lots of crying and some anger. She said she hasn't been with him before and I believe her. But she did admit she wanted him badly. She has felt that she isn't attractive, because she is thin and not shapely. She melts when a caucasian male flirts with her.
Over the last week, I keep replaying what happened. I still feel a bit hurt, but am more aroused than angry. I sort of wish they'd had sex.
I am so conflicted about this. Am pretty sure if I told her it was okay to sleep with him, she would.
Am I insane for telling her to go ahead? She didn't cancel her next lesson with him but will.
Any advice would be so appreciated.
Re: Sort of new. Conflicted
Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2025 3:22 am
by leggysman
If you enjoy sharing her sexually - it sounds like you do - and if she enjoys extramarital sex, then that seems like a pretty strong 'yes' from the sexual standpoint. If you both enjoy it, and nobody is harmed, why not?
However from a wider angle, it seems like you need to have some discussions. Communication, honesty, and transparency are how most of us navigate this and grow stronger in our marriages while including others in our sex lives. Seems like you have a legitimate need to impress upon your wife that any trysts need to be a) agreed upon in advance, and/or; b) immediately and honestly disclosed.
In the age of instant messaging, there isn't much excuse for not (at least) sending you an "I'm inviting my tennis coach home for some fun, hope that's ok"
Some couples enjoy the "cheating game" together, and that's totally valid. But, if she sneaks around and does it behind your back in a way that makes you unhappy, that's not ethical non-monogamy. That's plain old "cheating". That's just my opinion of course, but I think many here would agree.
Re: Sort of new. Conflicted
Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2025 3:43 am
by leggysman
The thrill and danger and naughtiness of cheating might be a part of what draws your wife to this, and what most turns her on. She might need to agree to compromise that part.
Ultimately you need to agree with her what's within bounds - and what isn't - and should be able to trust her to abide by that agreement (within reason). The same principles apply in any monogamous, monogamish, or non-monogamous relationships, friendships, business, society, and life and relationships in general, no? Mutual agreement and the ability to trust.
Re: Sort of new. Conflicted
Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2025 4:26 am
by Wantsomefunto
Leggy is so right!
Communicate and set rules. If you need to know about it before she does it, tell her.
Enjoy letting her have the sex she needs to cum!
Re: Sort of new. Conflicted
Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2025 4:26 am
by Wantsomefunto
Leggy is so right!
Communicate and set rules. If you need to know about it before she does it, tell her.
Enjoy letting her have the sex she needs to cum!
Re: Sort of new. Conflicted
Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2025 7:31 am
by johnswan
Hi, I am only a wannabe cuck, so I'm reluctant to give advice.
But, could you give us an idea of why you don't want her to have sex with another man? Is it because of your moral upbringing, religious beliefs etc? Or is it fear of what it might do to your relationship? Or perhaps fear that the other man will give her better sex, and your ego/self esteem will suffer?
Or maybe all of the above?
The advice offered above sounds solid to me.
But hey, what do I know?
Re: Sort of new. Conflicted
Posted: Mon Sep 22, 2025 8:26 am
by Asiancouple1995
Thanks so much for the advice. Communication (unspoken) is different in our culture, but appreciate the points.
My self esteem is strong other than sex. And I do like some of the self esteem raising and confidence she is going through. A few months ago, I could never imagine her wearing a thong.
So I guess it is more about my culture and the traditions. Maybe losing her? But honestly, our marriage seems stronger now.
Re: Sort of new. Conflicted
Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2025 4:23 pm
by BBCuck
Asiancouple1995 wrote: ↑Sun Sep 21, 2025 7:50 am
We are a couple in our early 30's and are first generation Canadians although I came to Canada when I was 2 years old, she was 22. We have been married for four years.
When we got married, neither of us was sexually experienced. To make a long story short, she was seduced at work by a client from another city (we both work in finance). She broke down and told me about it. We grappled with the emotions but I was turned on by this. Particularly since he was able to give her orgasms and I cannot. We agreed she could sleep with him when he comes to Toronto. Always at his hotel. Honestly it didn't impact our lives except for a couple of days every couple of months.
But a couple of weeks ago I came home early from a conference. She has been taking tennis lessons and when I opened our condo door, it was pretty clear they were making out.
I left for an hour. Came back to lots of crying and some anger. She said she hasn't been with him before and I believe her. But she did admit she wanted him badly. She has felt that she isn't attractive, because she is thin and not shapely. She melts when a caucasian male flirts with her.
Over the last week, I keep replaying what happened. I still feel a bit hurt, but am more aroused than angry. I sort of wish they'd had sex.
I am so conflicted about this. Am pretty sure if I told her it was okay to sleep with him, she would.
Am I insane for telling her to go ahead? She didn't cancel her next lesson with him but will.
Any advice would be so appreciated.
you have to distinguish between love and sex ..... if your wife loves you but seeks other men just for sex and orgasm then why not? is it different as if she masturbates? is it different as if she uses a dildo?
also ask yourself: what is the big deal if she has sex with other men but comes back to you for love?
if you allow her to live out this need she will never cheat on you. she will fulfill all cravings while loving you.
for you it could either be that you dont mind she has sex with other men or maybe it is a turn on? jealousy and other men with our girls is a very powerful emotion... but if you manage to turn jealousy in to lust then you win big time!
if you are comfortable you can watch her enjoy sex or you can imagine is if you are not present.
it looks like your wife will go and have sex anyways so I recommend to embrace it! be happy for her sexual freedom and enjoy it too!
Re: Sort of new. Conflicted
Posted: Fri Oct 24, 2025 4:25 pm
by BBCuck
Asiancouple1995 wrote: ↑Sun Sep 21, 2025 7:50 am
We are a couple in our early 30's and are first generation Canadians although I came to Canada when I was 2 years old, she was 22. We have been married for four years.
When we got married, neither of us was sexually experienced. To make a long story short, she was seduced at work by a client from another city (we both work in finance). She broke down and told me about it. We grappled with the emotions but I was turned on by this. Particularly since he was able to give her orgasms and I cannot. We agreed she could sleep with him when he comes to Toronto. Always at his hotel. Honestly it didn't impact our lives except for a couple of days every couple of months.
But a couple of weeks ago I came home early from a conference. She has been taking tennis lessons and when I opened our condo door, it was pretty clear they were making out.
I left for an hour. Came back to lots of crying and some anger. She said she hasn't been with him before and I believe her. But she did admit she wanted him badly. She has felt that she isn't attractive, because she is thin and not shapely. She melts when a caucasian male flirts with her.
Over the last week, I keep replaying what happened. I still feel a bit hurt, but am more aroused than angry. I sort of wish they'd had sex.
I am so conflicted about this. Am pretty sure if I told her it was okay to sleep with him, she would.
Am I insane for telling her to go ahead? She didn't cancel her next lesson with him but will.
Any advice would be so appreciated.
you have to distinguish between love and sex ..... if your wife loves you but seeks other men just for sex and orgasm then why not? is it different as if she masturbates? is it different as if she uses a dildo?
also ask yourself: what is the big deal if she has sex with other men but comes back to you for love?
if you allow her to live out this need she will never cheat on you. she will fulfill all cravings while loving you.
for you it could either be that you dont mind she has sex with other men or maybe it is a turn on? jealousy and other men with our girls is a very powerful emotion... but if you manage to turn jealousy in to lust then you win big time!
if you are comfortable you can watch her enjoy sex or you can imagine is if you are not present.
it looks like your wife will go and have sex anyways so I recommend to embrace it! be happy for her sexual freedom and enjoy it too!