May have totally blown it - advice for revisiting

[sherulestherooster]

So my now ex wife had an 18 month period where she played with 6 men on about 15 total dates - it was HOT, better than I fantasized. Long story short, she quit being a hot wife, and we got divorced for other reasons a few years later.

I remarried a vanilla woman. She’s super open to discussing anything, and one night I had some liquid courage and told her I fantasized about “sharing” her. She kinda freaked and I walked it back. Hasn’t really discussed it since but the other night we were talking about some “going out” ideas.

She brought up an idea of us going to a bar/club and “flirting” independently. I was caught off guard so I knew jerked and said, “oh no, I don’t know about that, we could hurt each other’s feelings”.

Reflecting on that, I realize I may have missed an opportunity to advance a hotwife-relevant discussion. Kicking myself for that. So wondering how I might revisit this?

One thing to note, she’s a pretty jealous person, it’s one thing I think that’s going in my favor. I have no desire to be with another woman.

[bbarnsworth]

Try revisiting it without the liquid courage

[mundyman]

So my now ex wife had an 18 month period where she played with 6 men on about 15 total dates - it was HOT, better than I fantasized. Long story short, she quit being a hot wife, and we got divorced for other reasons a few years later.

I remarried a vanilla woman. She’s super open to discussing anything, and one night I had some liquid courage and told her I fantasized about “sharing” her. She kinda freaked and I walked it back. Hasn’t really discussed it since but the other night we were talking about some “going out” ideas.

She brought up an idea of us going to a bar/club and “flirting” independently. I was caught off guard so I knew jerked and said, “oh no, I don’t know about that, we could hurt each other’s feelings”.

Reflecting on that, I realize I may have missed an opportunity to advance a hotwife-relevant discussion. Kicking myself for that. So wondering how I might revisit this?

One thing to note, she’s a pretty jealous person, it’s one thing I think that’s going in my favor. I have no desire to be with another woman.

Revisit the topic by saying
“ Honey I was thinking about what you said the other night about going out and flirting independently. I’ve actually given it some thought and it sounds like a very interesting and possibly fun idea. What were you talking about? What would it look like? How would we make it work???”

[patw3268]

Revisit the idea and say you don’t want to flirt with women but you’re turned on by her flirting with men. Then shut up and let her respond

[mfm4bnc]

There are complex emotions surrounding a lot of fantasies. It is part of the reason we can't get them out of our head. I had an imaginary conversation in my head... don't know how it would feel for you, but you get some general ideas:

Honey, I want to tell you how much I appreciate you bringing up going to the bar and flirting. I judge myself for my fantasies, and hearing you bring that up made me feel heard... It made me feel like you were accepting me and not judging me. When you can do that, it makes me judge myself less.

I was being truthful when I said it might hurt my feelings to watch guys try to pick you up at a bar, but there is a lot more to it. I love you, and I want you to be MINE, and I want to possess you. At the same time there are a couple other things that happen in my mind. I want to give you everything, and I know that over time, it gets harder to give you the butterflies. When I imagine you flirting, I imagine I am giving you a gift. I am giving you a situation where you can have butterflies, and the other guy is just a vessel for my gift. I also get butterflies, seeing you through his eyes... the beutiful mysterious woman at the bar. Sometimes I also ENJOY the jealous feelings. I mean shit, Taylor Swift has even written a song about it. Jealousy can be like a drug. When I get jealous, it stirs something up in me... reminds me how powerfully drawn I am to you... how I want to have these little competitions for your attention, and how important it is that I ultimately win.

There is even scientific evidence for the idea that men are hard-wired to compete. I know the reality is that there are lots of men who would kill to have what I have. I try every day to be my best for you, because I want to keep waking up with you every morning. When we have a situation where a man is competing for your attention, it puts a real point on the idea.

...Anyway, that might seem a little stilted, but it recognizes her risk taking in making the statement, tells her how good it made you feel that she mentioned it, tells her you are not trying to give her away, and gives a couple reasons why the fantasy is compelling for you... That basic formula using your own words and motivations, would probably undo any setback you had.

[KevKev]

A woman needs to feel super safe in order to consider hotwifing. Nobody wants to blow up their marriage and get divorced, and if you are ambivalent about the whole thing she'll never truly consider it because it's not worth the risk. If you are only bringing it up when you are drunk she's not going to believe that sober you is really into it. If you freak out and shut the whole thing down when she suggests taking a step she's not going to believe that you're really into it. I would suggest having multiple sober conversations about it. Be up front about why you freaked out when she suggested flirting. I blew my chance with an ex because I would bring it up when I was drunk and then walked it back when I was sober because I felt ashamed. When I finally got to the point of being sober and honest about it she couldn't believe me because of how I acted before.