She’s getting Close, I’m getting cold feet

[WannabeArabStag]

If you’ve read my posts in the past, you’d know it’s been a slow and steady journey for me. My wife and I come from a traditional conservative middle eastern background. She’s never been with anybody but me. It’s been 6+ years of fantasy talk and play in bed. I’ve wanted to watch her so bad for so long.

Now, she seems legitimately close and open to it. She leads with it every time we have sex. After, she still keeps teasing and saying she knows it’s what I want deep down more than anything. Tells me she’ll give me what I want, brings it up after sex frequently prodding as if she’s almost daring me to ask her to take the next step. For example, she jokingly told me that she’s the only one on my top 3 fuck list because I can’t have anybody else but how she knows how bad I want her to have other people on her list. This is the type of thing she’d never say before. That’s just one of many examples.

I get so excited about it, but it’s also pretty terrifying. I’m shocked that after so long, this is how I feel, I haven’t felt doubt or angst like this in a long time. I have waited so long for her to reach this point and now I’m wondering if I should walk it back and drop this whole thing.

[Pufferfish]

If it's something you can't handle, then it's something that will destroy the marriage. Nothing is worth destroying your marriage, so you shouldn't do it.

But at the same time, I tend to think that anyone who spends years telling their wife that they can do something, and you want her to, only to change their mind at the last minute, is a cruel and selfish person...

Figure out what you want for sure, then talk about it with your wife. If you decide you want her to sleep with another man, then don't punish her if she decides to. And if you decide you can't handle it and only want to keep it fantasy, then tell her that and keep it to fantasy, but don't jerk her around.

[WannabeArabStag]

If it's something you can't handle, then it's something that will destroy the marriage. Nothing is worth destroying your marriage, so you shouldn't do it.

But at the same time, I tend to think that anyone who spends years telling their wife that they can do something, and you want her to, only to change their mind at the last minute, is a cruel and selfish person...

Figure out what you want for sure, then talk about it with your wife. If you decide you want her to sleep with another man, then don't punish her if she decides to. And if you decide you can't handle it and only want to keep it fantasy, then tell her that and keep it to fantasy, but don't jerk her around.

I absolutely don’t want to be selfish or jerk her around. It’s not a situation yet where she’s saying I want it let’s do it and I’m now changing my mind. It’s a situation where she’s saying hey, you know that thing you’ve always wanted? I think I’m ready to try it. I truly think if I push for it now, it will happen sooner rather than later. But the insecurity, doubt, and shame that I haven’t felt in a loooong time is coming in really strong.

[9214s]

My now wife got super close, had a hotel booked with a guy then I got cold feet and called it off. Felt like the right thing to do at the time but not so much now…

[ProfessorH]

It’s a roller coaster.

Think of it like being in line, waiting for the ride. It’s exciting, but also scary.

When they pull the lap bar down, click you into place, and the ride starts to move, it’s an adrenaline rush, your mouth goes dry, you might even feel a little nauseous.

However, you have choices.

Don’t get on. Get out of line and choose a different ride. Perfectly okay.

Get on, try it, and realize you don’t like that crazy feeling, and then know that you tried and can mark that off your bucket list.

Strap in, and as the ride starts, put your hands in the air and enjoy the fear of it. Doesn’t mean it’s not there; it’s just part of why you’re riding this ride in the first place.

The choice, no matter what you choose, just has to be the right one for you and your wife. Never stop checking in, and always keep each other first, no matter what.

Best of joy to you!

[Pufferfish]

It’s a roller coaster.

Think of it like being in line, waiting for the ride. It’s exciting, but also scary.

When they pull the lap bar down, click you into place, and the ride starts to move, it’s an adrenaline rush, your mouth goes dry, you might even feel a little nauseous.

However, you have choices.

Don’t get on. Get out of line and choose a different ride. Perfectly okay.

Get on, try it, and realize you don’t like that crazy feeling, and then know that you tried and can mark that off your bucket list.

Strap in, and as the ride starts, put your hands in the air and enjoy the fear of it. Doesn’t mean it’s not there; it’s just part of why you’re riding this ride in the first place.

The choice, no matter what you choose, just has to be the right one for you and your wife. Never stop checking in, and always keep each other first, no matter what.

Best of joy to you!

Very good analogy. And I had much the same outlook. I had every reason to expect that I would like it, and an idea of how I thought it would go, but I also had the notion that I could be entirely wrong and could hate it. Either way, I was getting on that ride and if I found I didn't like it, I wasn't going to let it interfere with my wife enjoying it, I just wouldn't have wanted us to go on it again later. As it turned out, it went exactly as I had thought it would and it was the best ride of our lives.

But first you have to make that determination and stick with it. If you chicken out, that's fine, but you can't keep telling your wife you want to go on that ride, and then keep chickening out at the last moment before you get on, or you'll simply piss her off for jerking her around, and rightfully so. Decide if you're going to do it or not, but be ready to deal with what comes if you do.

All that being said... I hate roller coasters! lol.

[Dom4Married]

Hey,

Ask her who is on "her" list of men she wants to be with, and then when she tells you ask her to introduce you to them one at a time.

That should break down some of your trepidation, and allow you to mentally visualize each of them with her.

[Freddy314]

Why not start with a massage for her, that has the potential to become erotic. So she is naked, but slightly covered, a masseur is touching her, and you are there watching. Maybe in that scenario, you'll figure out what you really want -- Worse case scenario, one or both of you chicken out, but dhe still gets a massage.

Once my wife had a massage from a masseur at a B&B we were staying at. I left them alone, but I knew my wife was in a room naked with another man. This was long before my wife knew of my desires. I knew nothing was going to happen, but just knowing it could was a huge turn on.

[TomG]

If you're having doubts now, you'll want to think about it carefully and be sure you do or don't want it. However, if you don't want it, you may regret it down the road. For that matter, if you do want it, you may also regret that in the future. I suspect it's just nervousness about the possibility of it really happening that's given you a case of nerves, though.

Bear this in mind - if you change your mind and want to back off of it, do yourselves (especially her) a favor and never bring it up again.

I'm wishing you the best, and hope you have smooth sailing with this. As one who's looking for a woman interested in this, I would absolutely kill for a woman with your wife's enthusiasm!

[Stretch2517]

My suggestion is once you commit to this never pull back, so be sure going in. It takes total commitment and trust from both sides to make this happen.

If you waffle back and forth you risk loosing that trust and commitment in your marriage.

[Natatude]

I agree with ProfessorH,, they said it right on!!

[Swedish couple]

I understand your feelings. I am also ambivalent about this…so is my hubby…When you try it you cannot make it undone…Tricky!

[ThePatientCuck]

My now wife got super close, had a hotel booked with a guy then I got cold feet and called it off. Felt like the right thing to do at the time but not so much now…

We're based in Sydney, I'm a long standing wannabe and we've been talking about it for sometime, just reading this post and thinking 'I wish!' Hope you managed to go through with it since. I'm sure like me it's been on your mind for some time, so I can understand the anxiety, but I've heard so many couples say they wished they'd started far sooner. Good luck, very keen to hear more!

[snoogaloo82]

If it's something you can't handle, then it's something that will destroy the marriage. Nothing is worth destroying your marriage, so you shouldn't do it.

But at the same time, I tend to think that anyone who spends years telling their wife that they can do something, and you want her to, only to change their mind at the last minute, is a cruel and selfish person...

Figure out what you want for sure, then talk about it with your wife. If you decide you want her to sleep with another man, then don't punish her if she decides to. And if you decide you can't handle it and only want to keep it fantasy, then tell her that and keep it to fantasy, but don't jerk her around.

I absolutely don’t want to be selfish or jerk her around. It’s not a situation yet where she’s saying I want it let’s do it and I’m now changing my mind. It’s a situation where she’s saying hey, you know that thing you’ve always wanted? I think I’m ready to try it. I truly think if I push for it now, it will happen sooner rather than later. But the insecurity, doubt, and shame that I haven’t felt in a loooong time is coming in really strong.

What are your feelings now that everyone has voiced an opinion on your situation?

[9214s]

My now wife got super close, had a hotel booked with a guy then I got cold feet and called it off. Felt like the right thing to do at the time but not so much now…

We're based in Sydney, I'm a long standing wannabe and we've been talking about it for sometime, just reading this post and thinking 'I wish!' Hope you managed to go through with it since. I'm sure like me it's been on your mind for some time, so I can understand the anxiety, but I've heard so many couples say they wished they'd started far sooner. Good luck, very keen to hear more!

We are in Sydney too funny enough. No sadly nothing has happened since, I really wish it had though. I think these days if the opportunity did come up again I’d force myself to go through with it and no backing out no matter what. Good luck for you too and hopefully one of us has luck one day soon!

[Ashley77]

Does it have to be so binary on or off? - Does it have to be as terrifying to begin with as booking a hotel room and waving her goodbye for the night? can’t you test the waters bit by bit? Isn’t it even more exciting to take tiny steps into this together? Can you watch her chat someone up in a bar? kiss someone, then come home and tell you about it? or dance erotically with them? Couldn’t you find someone to have a threesome with, who only participates a little? Isn’t the slow seduction of this worth savouring? Why do I so rarely see people approaching it in this way?

[snoogaloo82]

Does it have to be so binary on or off? - Does it have to be as terrifying to begin with as booking a hotel room and waving her goodbye for the night? can’t you test the waters bit by bit? Isn’t it even more exciting to take tiny steps into this together? Can you watch her chat someone up in a bar? kiss someone, then come home and tell you about it? or dance erotically with them? Couldn’t you find someone to have a threesome with, who only participates a little? Isn’t the slow seduction of this worth savouring? Why do I so rarely see people approaching it in this way?

I like your approach. But I know for some people it's hard for whatever reasons.

[Phallen]

As I read this, my thoughts are “possibly proceeded with caution“.

But absolutely when considering any bulls, extremely arms length and distant. Clearly nobody from work, no friends or acquaintances, no exes, nobody that can possibly indirectly let in emotional attachment grow.

It would absolutely have to be somebody that can easily have ties severed if need be.

[brutay2]

If you’ve read my posts in the past, you’d know it’s been a slow and steady journey for me. My wife and I come from a traditional conservative middle eastern background. She’s never been with anybody but me. It’s been 6+ years of fantasy talk and play in bed. I’ve wanted to watch her so bad for so long.

Now, she seems legitimately close and open to it. She leads with it every time we have sex. After, she still keeps teasing and saying she knows it’s what I want deep down more than anything. Tells me she’ll give me what I want, brings it up after sex frequently prodding as if she’s almost daring me to ask her to take the next step. For example, she jokingly told me that she’s the only one on my top 3 fuck list because I can’t have anybody else but how she knows how bad I want her to have other people on her list. This is the type of thing she’d never say before. That’s just one of many examples.

I get so excited about it, but it’s also pretty terrifying. I’m shocked that after so long, this is how I feel, I haven’t felt doubt or angst like this in a long time. I have waited so long for her to reach this point and now I’m wondering if I should walk it back and drop this whole thing.

courage man. you must have courage and give you wife credit to do the right thing for both of you. We all have done it and we all have wonderful marriages because of it.