What is at the core of our desire?

[Ashley77]

Where does a man’s desire for his partner to have sex with someone else come from? Why would a man be turned on by this? Do the roots of this desire stem from a self loathing, or an unhealthy place within us? Are we repeating some childhood trauma?

[ursamajor69]

Without wishing to sound trite, there are perhaps as many reasons as there are posters on this site.

As evidence, I present a 57 page entitled "Why would a guy want his wife to sleep with another man" viewtopic.php?f=5&t=1108

[hubudig2]

I love to ponder this one.
Evolutionally speaking, if a trait/attribute isn't detrimental to it's being's existence, then it will probably exist and continue to be passed down and exist.
So for eye colour, for example, I believe we used to only have brown eyes but when someone randomly genetically mutated some blue eyes, it didn't prevent them existing and passing on their genes and so it got passed down.
With sexual fetishes, there are plenty because they generally don't impede anyone and, if anything, give someone more appetite for sex.
I'm not saying fetishes are genetic but there's probably a genetic predisposition to experiencing something that will trigger it.
(Sorry, this is already way deeper than I expected to go.)
There are some fetishes that may have had some benefit in human evolution at some or various points though.
So it's common for women to enjoy being dominated by a strong man.
I imagine it would've originally been a random mutation or psychological miswiring but her offspring would've probably been stronger than those of other women that mated with weaker less assertive males and so would've been more likely to survive if times were tough back then.
When it comes to cuckolding, it's possible that siblings with a greater genetic variety would've been more likely to survive different situations and look after each other through to adulthood.
It was probably also beneficial for survival at some point for the parents to stay together rather than being non-monogamous and so you potentially end up with a situation where cuckolding was advantageous because the male would stay with the female despite her mating with other males.

Psychologically speaking, I think the majority of men are turned on by watching a hot woman submit to a strong, big dicked guy.
Hence porn being so popular with guys.
I think most guys get turned on watching themselves fuck in the mirror too but that isn't a natural phenomenon, is it?
I don't think it's a great leap from there to see how guys could get turned on watching someone else fuck their wife.
How that leap takes place I think is different for everyone but I think it's probably possible for the majority of guys.
I would love to run an experiment where, take 100 guys and make them watch a generated VR/AR video of their wives fucking a superior lover, see how many are physically turned on by it. I bet it would be like 75% or more.

Personally, I'm not turned on by the idea, my mind won't allow me to think about it, it's weird.
However, when I see POV videos of small/average size dicked, non-dominant guys fucking, it looks unsatisfying.
Watching myself or guys with similar or bigger cocks dominate a woman is satisfying so I can imagine that for a guy that can't satisfy his own urge to see that might push him into the idea of cuckolding.
That's just one of the ways that I can personally understand though. I'm not saying all cucks came down this path before someone attacks me

I think most cucks can pinpoint a moment when they first realised it turned them on, I find it really interesting to hear about.
I had a topic on it here: viewtopic.php?f=6&t=68410
Can you pinpoint where it started for you?

[SilverStag]

It could be compersion...

..or it could be the guy seeking validation of his choice in women, measuring it by how many guys want his wife....

...or, it could be different for everyone of us.

[rayovac99]

I myself have wondered about this very thing. One thing that i have read others say that it's along the lines of an extension of her beauty n of course who I am with, which is something i can somewhat relate to. Although I have no interest in men, I dig the fact that she can attract so much attention from not just men, and with just being present n not even doing anything. I couldn't imagine living that, or wanting that for myself, but through her its a def turn on.

[Gavriloprincep]

A few thoughts from someone who isnt a cuck but now fantasizes about my lady with another man. I used to be the macho possessive type that was devastated when i found out that an ex found a new man or if i was dumped for another man. Then, with the help of some psychotropics, counseling, and reading up, i came across the madonna whore concept and the imago theory of Harville Hendrix. Seeing how many macho men lose desire for their partner after a while, myself included, i realized that the subconscious imprints that fuel our desire and irritations (imago), combined with the madonna whore concept were a big factor in how we approach sexuality. Men typically revert to their Oedipal roots and seek the maternal comfort of a woman, but they are initially driven by lust amd challenge of acquiring their mate. Once they get there, they subconsciously relate to the maternal-ness of their partner and as they get comfortable with that person, their subconscious slowly imposes a revolt where they somehow view their mate as maternal and thus cannot have sex with mother. Also most mainstream macho men think of wives as possessions. Well they are not that and never should be. I had all of these issues. The psychologist led me through the process of shedding these ideologies. He said i needed to "whorify" my partner and give her the autonomy of self, not a possession. Then i realized that true love is more than sex and physical interaction and that if i accepted my partner as an "autonomous whore" ( metaphorically for the subconscious to comprehend), i was freed from my baggage. Now i have been with the same person for 15yrs and lust after her more than ever and at the same time want to see her pleasure and be pleasured by others, without my prior insecurities. Summarily, someone with true security isnt threatened by sharing their partner when there is trust, respect, and a manner of our subconscious.

[runaway]

For me it came from watching my first amateur cuckold porn with an attractive twenty-something couple and a fit, hung bull. I couldn’t believe how the wife gave herself so totally and almost animalistically to her lover and how her husband was so happy for her. There was nothing defective in the husband but the lover was just better and novel. Husband and wife clearly loved each other at a completely different level than most of us. I wanted something like that for my wife.

[philxxo]

Undoubtedly it's a variety of things. I think for one, we live in a pornified culture. Men have all become consumers of porn. We turn our wives into our own personal porn star in a sense. Also I think men at the core, want sluts. We deep down want women who like to fuck. Even if that means fucks other men too. We don't want the dedicated church lady, missionary position only women. The fact that our wives fuck other men verifies that she is a slut who loves sex in our mind. Its proof that we have a "keeper" in a sense. Just my opinion. I'm sure there are many other drivers. I think bisexuality in men is another potential driver. At least it is in my case.

[MartasBoy]

I agree with previous comments, that there are many many reasons.

I was a late bloomer sexually. I didn't have any success in high school and it wasn't until college that I had some success dating and having sex with women. I got put in the friend zone a LOT, and experienced a lot of rejection. I liked the company of women and always hoped for more. I always hoped that some of the women who put me in the friend zone might change their mind. So I spent a lot of time hanging out with sister friends, and girl buddies, and hearing them talk about their experiences with their boyfriends. I was aware of a lot of their sexual exploits, from the sidelines. I guess I grew to find this exciting, because it was often my only source of sexual titillation.

I finally got over getting my feelings hurt by rejection, and learned to find something exciting about it. I would go out of my way to approach girls who were way out of my league. When they would reject me, sometimes in ways that were humiliating, I would go home and masturbate thinking about these beautiful women who rejected me, and the feelings of humiliation. Over time it conditioned me to get turned on by being rejected and humiliated by beautiful women. It created some weird and twisted fetishes for me in which I derive more excitement and titillation from rejection and humiliation, than I do from actually being granted sex by women.

I started going out to clubs and going from the different tables of women, asking women if they wanted to dance with me, if I could buy them a drink, or if I could get their phone number. Often I would hear the table full of women snicker when I walked away. After an evening of this, I would go home and masturbate imagining that I served these women as their lawn boy or house cleaner. I would imagine that I got to be around them but knew that I would never be able to so much as touch them.
I like to fantasize about women who I am forbidden to touch, and belong to other men. The ultimate of that fantasy is to have my own wife be one of those women.

[Carlas husband]

So interesting to see the variety of answers to this question. I see it as evidence of what first reply says: there are as many reasons as there are users in this forum.
So the real question, Ashley77, is this: what is at the core of your desire?
I learn a lot from reading what others have to say. Can I relate to it, do I feel the same? Or do I get a ‘never thought about it that way’ feeling?
Among the many, many possible ‘explanations’ I have come across, this one was probably the largest revelation for me: In horse breeding, when a stallion is supposed to cover a mare (this vocabulary is killing me ) but isn’t too keen, a trick is to bring in another stallion. First stallion’s interest will immediately increase. Translate this to humans: If another man wants to fuck your wife, your attraction to her increases. If he actually fucks her, even more so: it is the ultimate evidence that he wants to!
You become the husband of a very, very attractive woman. Which makes you proud that she is YOUR wife.
That is definitely how I feel. But there is so much more to it than that.

[WatchinginNJ]

Well there's a range, but for simplicity sake I'll say you have two dominant ideas here on this forum. To me they aren't related, other than the fact that wives are non-monomagamous

First, is the cuckold point of view. I think that from a cuckolds view that it is one primarily from a BDSM aspect. His eroticism comes from his personal humiliation. I don't understand it, but that's my view. Humiliation can come from a lot of places, and you'd have to see what the individual is motivated by.

Second you have the Stag version. I speak more personally from this point of view, and that it's never been about humiliation. I've never thought that monogamy was a good thing and I've had internal personal conflicts that came from this. I love watching a woman express herself sexually, and sharing in that adventure. That would be the compersion aspect that a lot of people talk about. Maybe it's a bit of projection? I love that any woman if she put her mind to it could get laid pretty easily. Maybe deep down I wish that was me?

But between these two modes, there's obviously a spectrum. There's going to be overlap, and everyone is going to have their own motivations.

Like Dan Savage said, for every kinkster who likes being spanked because they got spanked as a kid, there's another who likes it because they weren't spanked.

[hubudig2]

Well there's a range, but for simplicity sake I'll say you have two dominant ideas here on this forum. To me they aren't related, other than the fact that wives are non-monomagamous

It's definitely a complicated web of related turn-ons.
If you consider the flip-side, I'm only into the idea of fucking cuck's wives, I'm not interested in stag's wives.
A lot of people would question why it makes any difference but it does.
To me, it seems like stags just want to watch some good porn/sex with their wife as the focus.
Cucks seem to have a much more complicated psychological thing going on and I enjoy working that out and pushing those buttons. I feel like I could write for hours about all the little intricacies and perspectives about cuckolding psychology that I like.

[WatchinginNJ]

Well there's a range,...., other than the fact that wives are non-monomagamous

....
To me, it seems like stags just want to watch some good porn/sex with their wife as the focus.
Cucks seem to have a much more complicated psychological thing going on and I enjoy working that out and pushing those buttons. I feel like I could write for hours about all the little intricacies and perspectives about cuckolding psychology that I like.

That's part of it. To me, when I've been a stag, part of it was we were partners in crime. I mean I've done the mfm thing, but I've had as much fun when she went out solo, or surprised me with "oops, I fucked someone". It's sharing the adventure against accepted norms. As long as it ended with both of us together? I'm good.

[bernhard_10777]

My wife told me: You know, you have never satisfied me in our marriage. Your sex has always been boring. Cuckold, we'll get to that, soon.

What is cuckolding for me? Is it about my satisfaction? NO! It is about showing my wife my real deep love by enabling my wife, as a man who is no longer able or has never been able to make his wife sexually happy, to live out her sexuality with another partner. I experience my happiness when I see contentment and fulfilment in the facial expressions of my dearly beloved wife. What this facial joy comes from is not so important. I know from past relationships that an orgasm produces these joyful facial expressions.
I know that my wife would never get involved with another man without feelings; she needs for herself the feeling of love for allowing sex. Yes, I would also allow her to love another man for the sake of deep happiness in life.
Cuckolding is thus not simple sexual gratification, cuckolding is a profound philosophy of life. For this philosophy of life, I am ready for anything, including the pleasure of creampies.
I want to say explicitly: I don't love Cuckold- Vision because it's porn, it's a happy philosophy of life.

[runaway]

I brought a pretty girl I knew to a family wedding when I was 17. She took off with one of the older single better looking guys for a long time. I was humiliated but I also remember being turned on. I didn’t know she was a slut before but I remember being more attracted to her. She let me finger bang her and I remember how wet she was. As near as I can tell that’s the first I remember feeling like a cuckold.

[Bostoncuckold089511]

I noticed my cuckold desires Early in life. I had a beautiful girlfriend in high school that every guy was after, and one particular night, an older popular kid was able to get her and her friend to drive around with him cruise the town as we did. I had come across him and asked if he had seen my gf, he said no. I later found out that she was with him. Got kinda mad at first, but was intensely turned on. Then in college, different GF, but even more beautiful. She went to a large university where a guy on the wrestling team fucked her. Weeks later I saw him and he just looked at me like , yeah, I fucked your GF, you're not going to do a thing, and I didn't. I actually would go down on her and encourage her to tell me about it.

[Cusp 1]

If anyone watches the TV show Billions, Wags got arroused when he saw women eating chocolate from a nappie/daiper. After some reluctance is wife agreed to do it, but she explained the reason he found it so erotic. Understanding the reason he liked it ruined it for him. After seeing this episode I stopped asking myself why I like the thought of sharing my wife so much. I’d hate to ruin it.

[hubudig2]

If anyone watches the TV show Billions, Wags got arroused when he saw women eating chocolate from a nappie/daiper. After some reluctance is wife agreed to do it, but she explained the reason he found it so erotic. Understanding the reason he liked it ruined it for him. After seeing this episode I stopped asking myself why I like the thought of sharing my wife so much. I’d hate to ruin it.

I haven't seen it but breaking a desire down into it's logical/rational explanations is a good technique for supressing that desire. Realising you're driven by hormones and electrical impulses instead of something spiritual is humbling and a bit depressing but useful for understanding and controlling it. Like if you're trying to diet, before you reach for a snack you could question whether you're actually physically hungry or just looking for a quick dopamine hit. Knowing you're looking for a dopamine hit allows you to do something different about it or power through it.

Part of what I enjoy about being a dominant to submissives is fully understanding what they like and why they like it.
They don't need to know why they like things, like you say, it works better if they don't.
Knowing why they like particular things allows me to confidently do various other things that might seem like magic to them but could be merely me exploiting my understanding.
Like with magic, when you know how it's done, you no longer see it the same way.

[feetuji]

Where does a man’s desire for his partner to have sex with someone else come from? Why would a man be turned on by this? Do the roots of this desire stem from a self loathing, or an unhealthy place within us? Are we repeating some childhood trauma?

Whats the biological reason for so many guys,like me, being crazy for feet? No reason comes to my mind. Cuck fantasies may be like foot fetish guys.

[Cusp 1]

If anyone watches the TV show Billions, Wags got arroused when he saw women eating chocolate from a nappie/daiper. After some reluctance is wife agreed to do it, but she explained the reason he found it so erotic. Understanding the reason he liked it ruined it for him. After seeing this episode I stopped asking myself why I like the thought of sharing my wife so much. I’d hate to ruin it.

I haven't seen it but breaking a desire down into it's logical/rational explanations is a good technique for supressing that desire. Realising you're driven by hormones and electrical impulses instead of something spiritual is humbling and a bit depressing but useful for understanding and controlling it. Like if you're trying to diet, before you reach for a snack you could question whether you're actually physically hungry or just looking for a quick dopamine hit. Knowing you're looking for a dopamine hit allows you to do something different about it or power through it.

Part of what I enjoy about being a dominant to submissives is fully understanding what they like and why they like it.
They don't need to know why they like things, like you say, it works better if they don't.
Knowing why they like particular things allows me to confidently do various other things that might seem like magic to them but could be merely me exploiting my understanding.
Like with magic, when you know how it's done, you no longer see it the same way.

I like the idea of total honesty with my wife. If she fucks another man and the sex is better, or his cock feels better I want to hear her say it. I’m not looking for humiliation, just brutal truth. It would be hot to have a bull help her along with this - “ tell your husband…..”

[hubudig2]

Whats the biological reason for so many guys,like me, being crazy for feet? No reason comes to my mind. Cuck fantasies may be like foot fetish guys.

For me, I only like the soles and I put that down to associating it with her submission.
If I'm seeing the soles of her feet, she's usually in a submissive position such as missionary with legs up or doggy.
Also I guess it's another gauge of youth and how well she looks after herself.
Soft clean soles being attractive but hardened dirty soles being unattractive.

Not sure how it works for cucks but I'm guessing it's not the same.

[feetuji]

Whats the biological reason for so many guys,like me, being crazy for feet? No reason comes to my mind. Cuck fantasies may be like foot fetish guys.

For me, I only like the soles and I put that down to associating it with her submission.
If I'm seeing the soles of her feet, she's usually in a submissive position such as missionary with legs up or doggy.
Also I guess it's another gauge of youth and how well she looks after herself.
Soft clean soles being attractive but hardened dirty soles being unattractive.

Not sure how it works for cucks but I'm guessing it's not the same.

Little offtopic now, but for me, while licking her feet I am the submissive one. She demands me to massage her soles with my tongue, and I obbey!

[WatchinginNJ]

Where does a man’s desire for his partner to have sex with someone else come from? Why would a man be turned on by this? Do the roots of this desire stem from a self loathing, or an unhealthy place within us? Are we repeating some childhood trauma?

Whats the biological reason for so many guys,like me, being crazy for feet? No reason comes to my mind. Cuck fantasies may be like foot fetish guys.

I'd bet it's the same biological reason for everything. Your lizard brain see's "feet" as an indicator of reproductive health.

Me? I like attractive feet, but I don't fetishize them. I find lots of things attractive on a woman, skin, hands, neck, etc. I'm sure it's just my brain telling me, "She'd be fun to fuck!" aka, make a baby with her

[philxxo]

If anyone watches the TV show Billions, Wags got arroused when he saw women eating chocolate from a nappie/daiper. After some reluctance is wife agreed to do it, but she explained the reason he found it so erotic. Understanding the reason he liked it ruined it for him. After seeing this episode I stopped asking myself why I like the thought of sharing my wife so much. I’d hate to ruin it.

I haven't seen it but breaking a desire down into it's logical/rational explanations is a good technique for supressing that desire. Realising you're driven by hormones and electrical impulses instead of something spiritual is humbling and a bit depressing but useful for understanding and controlling it. Like if you're trying to diet, before you reach for a snack you could question whether you're actually physically hungry or just looking for a quick dopamine hit. Knowing you're looking for a dopamine hit allows you to do something different about it or power through it.

Part of what I enjoy about being a dominant to submissives is fully understanding what they like and why they like it.
They don't need to know why they like things, like you say, it works better if they don't.
Knowing why they like particular things allows me to confidently do various other things that might seem like magic to them but could be merely me exploiting my understanding.
Like with magic, when you know how it's done, you no longer see it the same way.

I like the idea of total honesty with my wife. If she fucks another man and the sex is better, or his cock feels better I want to hear her say it. I’m not looking for humiliation, just brutal truth. It would be hot to have a bull help her along with this - “ tell your husband…..”

This exactly encapsulates it for me. This is exactly how I feel. I just want the best for my wife because she deserves the best. I'm sure there are many men out there who are better at sex than I am. If she would appreciate a bigger cock, then I would like her to tell me. I want total honesty. If some bull fucks her better than I do, I am fine with that and I want to hear about it.

[safira]

i’m transgender. i’ve always been transgender, though i didn’t always have the language or the understanding to describe myself this way. i put this up front because it is an important aspect of my becoming a cuckold.

i had a twofold attraction to being cuckolded, initially. one aspect came from the fact that at the time of my first cuckold experience, i was married to a very attractive and sexually active woman who also had great personal power. i was not a beta male in any way, though my innate femininity was always there under a thin veneer. i like the Native American description of transness as being two-spirit. i don’t believe that acknowledging and living one’s femininity necessarily entails being beta. i digress.

i lived with a great fear during that short marriage that she would cheat on me and she did. only once, however, during an argument near the end of our time together, did she admit to having cheated. i suspect that once when she climbed atop me and straddled my head that she was feeding me some lover’s cream pie. i was in denial then, but i’m sure of it now.

at the time of our marriage, i hadn’t the understanding of being trans. i hadn’t been aware of the concept. i was pretty sure that i wasn’t gay, not being attracted to boys or men, but i also could only ever get off by imagining myself in the role of a woman. my femininity was not, however, only attached to my sexuality. it was so much more than a kink. the kink part of it was only a surface expression of what lay beneath.

though i feared that she would cheat on me and felt that i would like to hurt the lovers i imagined her having, i would also find myself unavoidably imagining her being fucked by others when i masturbated. i think that at the time it was a way for me to process my fear, redirecting it towards something i could enjoy, if not control. the loss of control was in fact deeply erotic to me, both my loss of control over her sexuality (i then had a rather primitive conception of partnership), and loss of control over my own. as much as the man in me was jealous of her lover, giving her the pleasure that i should be giving her, i was jealous of her sexuality, open in a way that my fear and ignorance would not let me be.

i had some long term heterosexual relationships after the marriage. i traveled extensively for work for months at a time. it was during a long term relationship with another powerful woman that i first became a cognizant cuck and encouraged this partner to take on lovers and to share with me the intimate details of their relationships. as with others, these experiences brought us closer together and increased the openness of our communication and trust. during this relationship i was still unaware of the language and description of transgender.

during another relationship sometime later, another long distance relationship, i encouraged my partner to take lovers. it was at this time that i learned about being transgender and it clicked perfectly, aligning with who i always knew myself to be. with this partner i explored my feminine sexuality vicariously through her and her adventures. she was the first person i ever came out to and she was fully aware of why i wanted what i wanted and cooperated fully with my desires.

i’m happy to answer any further questions. thanks for your attention.