Forever on the roller coaster

[brisfun1980]

It's been 10 years since I brought this up with my wife and the roller coaster is seemingly never ending.

One moment it will be up and she will be madly in love with the idea, role playing in the bedroom, using dildos on herself, making comments about other guys as we're out, sending me lingerie pics to post, reading stories or watching porn. Lately she's even researched swingers club we can go to on a holiday.

The next day it will be like the light was turned off and she doesn't want to talk about it, isn't interested in it, tells me I'm obsessed if I bring it up and she won't take any next steps.

I know turning the fantasy into reality is an act of patience and being supportive of her, but my goodness if the frustrations don't run rampant. Especially as I seem to have an increase in interest at the same time her decrease occurs which has the negative effect of generating a negative feedback loop.

We're currently on the bottom of the roller coaster ride and after a few days of staying quiet and being reflective, I genuinely want to say to her (nicely) to shit or get off the pot. If she's not in then I'll talk to a counsellor and ask to be medicated to lower my libido as there's only so much more I feel I can take.

Anyone else in the same boat or have any suggestions?

[Pufferfish]

Guys aren't all that different, just on a different time scale. You can be extremely aroused by something, then cum, then immediately regret it with "post nut clarity". For women it's over the course of days, not minutes.

This is something that, at the very least, most women will fantasize about. But when it comes to making the fantasy a reality, the potential issues and consequences of that action cripples them. There's no un-ringing that bell. Fear of it negatively effecting, or ending, your relationship. Changing the way you see her. Fear of how society would look at her. STD's. Religious views. Etc. Those are going to make her regret her arousal.

The trick is eliminating those worries. If she can't eliminate or mitigate those, the rollercoaster will continue. That's just the process that everyone must manage.

[trecital]

Does there seem to be any pattern, timewise, to these ups and downs? Maybe on a roughly twenty eight day rhythm?

[brisfun1980]

Guys aren't all that different, just on a different time scale. You can be extremely aroused by something, then cum, then immediately regret it with "post nut clarity". For women it's over the course of days, not minutes.

This is something that, at the very least, most women will fantasize about. But when it comes to making the fantasy a reality, the potential issues and consequences of that action cripples them. There's no un-ringing that bell. Fear of it negatively effecting, or ending, your relationship. Changing the way you see her. Fear of how society would look at her. STD's. Religious views. Etc. Those are going to make her regret her arousal.

The trick is eliminating those worries. If she can't eliminate or mitigate those, the rollercoaster will continue. That's just the process that everyone must manage.

Firstly thank you for replying, I have loved all your comments in all the other threads that you've taken the effort to post in.

I can say that my PNC when it comes to the fantasy is non existent. I had my first threesome with my ex and a friend over 20 years ago, so this idea must be somehow biologically wired into me. Whenever we act out the fantasy and finish in the bedroom, neither of us have any issues discussing it after about what we liked, didn't like and I don't get a sense of PNC from my wife.

I do accept that time is longer though, so it might be a day or two later that she might think back on what we did and those feelings start to bubble inside of her.

We've listened to podcasts, read books, watched docuseries, watched porn and spent countless nights talking about it and I'm reasonably certain most of her fears are alleviated. There is just a final blocker that seems to come down immediately and shuts the process down for days or weeks until I bring it up again.

Last month she was researching swinger clubs in Majorca & Canaries on her own initiative. Out of the blue she showed me some clubs, said we should book a trip there. Fast forward to the last few days and it's all off again, called me obsessive and we had a minor spat. It's resolved now, but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep getting spun around and blind sided.

[brisfun1980]

Does there seem to be any pattern, timewise, to these ups and downs? Maybe on a roughly twenty eight day rhythm?

I wish I could pinpoint it that easily
Her period does effect her interest for sure, but the on/off switch can come at any time.

[Shiphead]

You said she gave you pictures to post and said she was onboard with posting them. So do we get to see what she ok'd?
Good start to show her all the great responses.

[philxxo]

Oh man, I can just feel your frustrations! I would be the same. It's like torture, just pulling it away at the last minute. Do you ever ask her why she is on and off again so much? What is the final blocker for her?

Yes, I agree, some pictures would be nice. Maybe that last bit of positive reinforcement from all of us and the confidence boost would put her across the finish line for you?

[huntrrr]

I'll chime in with a little different perspective. My ex would not ever think of playing along with any fantasies. The fact that my current girlfriend is playing along and actually really playing along is so incredible to me that even if nothing else goes beyond role playing and sharing fantasies, I would be totally satisfied with that. She has really been getting into it lately and has even asked for a certain toy (the big one) just last night. This is something that I would have never gotten to experience in my previous relationship. I guess I am happy with where I am and am never going to push too much in fear of regressing to where I was. Just my two cents.

[Statein88]

I think the roller coaster is far more normal than you might think.

There’s a lot for them to overcome to take this leap. Some can do it easily, others not so much. Upbringing, societal pressures, love and loyalty to you are all probable factors.

Just try and give her space to sort things out. If she decides not to, remember why you love her to begin with. Don’t let a fantasy consume your otherwise happy relationship

[money_for_nothin23]

My guess......when she brings it up, you likely get excited or too excited, and that turns her off. You may even be unconsciously doing this. More than likely, when she brings up the swingers club, you are offering to schedule the trip, pay for it, and pressing her for a date to go. STOP! Instead, the next time she brings it up, just tell her she is in the drivers seat. If she wants to go, you are all for it. She should book the trip when she is ready.....then drop the conversation and ask her about somehing else going on in your lives and change the subject like nothing happened and nothing was said. Don't bring anything else up after that. If she keeps taunting you with the idea, then calmly mention, "you'll never do a nothing like that. I think you are too afraid".....then seemingly uncovered change the topic and go back about your business unaffected by her comment. Threatening her, or getting excited with her doesn't work. Likely she wants all control in this lifestyle.....which is of course what it's about. You might not be ready for that though, and your overeagerness is telling her that.

[VwatchesK92]

I’m no professional here and I only want the best for everyone here in the wannabe forum. There’s one thing that you need to take into account: it needs to be her fantasy as much as it is yours if she’s going to go ahead with it. I don’t mean just bringing it up in the sack, that’s a great indicator that she’s ok with it at the least.

Someone said this earlier, I don’t mean to steal anyone’s idea but you should almost shrug off the times where she’s into it. Play chicken with her a bit.

Telling her to shit or get off the pot will get you in hot water no matter how nicely you think you’re being. Pressuring her at all is going to have this blow up in your face.

You did the hard part. You told her about the fantasy and she’s receptive to it, this is a huge win. You are in a much better spot than me, I can tell you that. My wife never had days, she will talk about it outside of the bedroom. However, it has slowly become something she’s extremely interested in.

Good luck and I’m pulling for you!

[Parsifal]

Use reverse psychology. Stop pressing her. Stop bringing it up. Let her make of it what she wants it to be and when she wants it. Be encouraging of anything she wants but nothing else. Once she realizes she's in control of it, that it's safe to play with it however she wants to but with no pressure from you, she'll begin to wonder about where the pressure from you went. She might then test the water with you by suggesting outside situations she might want to explore. Again encourage, don't ever push. If you've ever done much fishing you'll recognize the same technique in play when you allow the fish nibbling at the bait to take the hook 🪝 firmly before you pull hard to set it. You want her to be your hotwife, so give her space to become that on her terms; don't let her think you're forcing it on her. The attitude you must project, no matter how much you may secretly want it, is you can take it or leave it but you're totally game if and when she really is too.

[ucaneffher]

I agree that It is definitely one hell of a rollercoaster and think that most of us wannabes who have had "the talk" with our ladies seem to be riding at the moment.

When I had the talk with my girlfriend, she was not angry or repelled by the idea and we actually discussed further to the point of her telling me some of her fantasies which seemed to also align with mine.

In a short matter of time she had opened dating profiles on several platforms and showed me her profiles for approval. A few days later she had matched with a bunch of guys and was now stuck on her phone constantly chatting with 6 of 7.

Long story short, she started going on dates and getting more comfortable to the point of kissing and getting felt up. Then she went cold and closed all profiles.

Months later after not doing anything or discussing anything we went out to have drinks and without notice she responded to a guy who complimented her. Left me by myself for about an hour before bringing him to our table to introduce us. This scenario repeats itself on and off several times a year but nothing ever happens.

I also feel like I'm on this rollercoaster where she does things that give so much hope and then suddenly cools off to the point where it's like we never discussed anything in the first place. It's either real intense and hot or non-existent, there is not middle ground.

[brisfun1980]

Yeah man, that's how it is here. Forever up and down on the roller coaster. Last week we were in doing a regular catch up and chat session (kids, work, family, etc etc) and the topic turns to sex eventually, she said "Ok well you've convinced me so let's do this" .. as you can imagine I nearly came right then and there!

After a pretty heavy roleplaying session the roller coaster plumetted to the ground and all riders had to exit immediately. Haven't heard a word spoken about it since.

I know everyone says not to bring it up, but if the roles were reversed and we kept teasing our wives with something they need than we'd be hung up and left out to dry.

[VwatchesK92]

I know everyone says not to bring it up, but if the roles were reversed and we kept teasing our wives with something they need than we'd be hung up and left out to dry.

So, I think this is the point you need to really stew on. 75% of the time, probably more, this is initially fantasized and ultimately brought up by the man. Once you have the “talk”, it needs to progress into something SHE brings up, talks about in bed, and ultimately is turned on by. Her doing this for you is not what you want.

When you reverse roles like you mention here, where it seems unfair, you’re thinking about it wrong. She might be keeping you from something you “need”, but if this is something that’s actually going to happen, she’s going to have to want it just as much, if not more, than you. Also, not to mince words here, but you “needing” this is not something you should tell her or use it to try to convince her. I’m sure in your wedding vows you didn’t say “I’ll love you forever as long as you fuck other men” just some advice.

My wife is similar, if I bring it up too much, she shuts it down. If I don’t bring it up, she will gravitate towards it. Why? No dang clue, that’s just how it is. I feel this is a known phenomenon in the forum. You can subtly talk about it, you wander around the subject, you can talk about her past boyfriends/hook ups, but let her control the subject.

She knows you want her to sleep with other guys. The seed is planted, this is the first of many steps. Your wife will think about this, look at other men differently, or even touch herself to the thought about it and not tell you. That should be a crime, but I’m not the president lol. The times she does tell you, listen to her, smile, be excited with her, praise her, then let it slowly fade on the best positive note. You just have to let her lead now. Take your foot off the gas and let her guide your steady, clear, but not often remarks about it.

Don’t blow it buddy!

[stillhopeful]

I’m on the same roller coaster.
This has been a topic of conversation in our house for years so it was not a surprise, but my wife asked what I wanted for Christmas and I told her once again that I wanted her to sleep with another man. I got the ‘I’m not like that, never gonna happen’ response 🥺
A week later she initiated a scenario while we were in bed where I was a repairman and she was ‘thanking’ me and suggested I bring a helper next time, then requested a little DP play.
The thought is there, but as was mentioned, she grew up being told that good girls don’t do those kind of things.
Even though I know it’s hard as hell to do, enjoy the ride.