Forever on the roller coaster

[brisfun1980]

It's been 10 years since I brought this up with my wife and the roller coaster is seemingly never ending.

One moment it will be up and she will be madly in love with the idea, role playing in the bedroom, using dildos on herself, making comments about other guys as we're out, sending me lingerie pics to post, reading stories or watching porn. Lately she's even researched swingers club we can go to on a holiday.

The next day it will be like the light was turned off and she doesn't want to talk about it, isn't interested in it, tells me I'm obsessed if I bring it up and she won't take any next steps.

I know turning the fantasy into reality is an act of patience and being supportive of her, but my goodness if the frustrations don't run rampant. Especially as I seem to have an increase in interest at the same time her decrease occurs which has the negative effect of generating a negative feedback loop.

We're currently on the bottom of the roller coaster ride and after a few days of staying quiet and being reflective, I genuinely want to say to her (nicely) to shit or get off the pot. If she's not in then I'll talk to a counsellor and ask to be medicated to lower my libido as there's only so much more I feel I can take.

Anyone else in the same boat or have any suggestions?

[Pufferfish]

Guys aren't all that different, just on a different time scale. You can be extremely aroused by something, then cum, then immediately regret it with "post nut clarity". For women it's over the course of days, not minutes.

This is something that, at the very least, most women will fantasize about. But when it comes to making the fantasy a reality, the potential issues and consequences of that action cripples them. There's no un-ringing that bell. Fear of it negatively effecting, or ending, your relationship. Changing the way you see her. Fear of how society would look at her. STD's. Religious views. Etc. Those are going to make her regret her arousal.

The trick is eliminating those worries. If she can't eliminate or mitigate those, the rollercoaster will continue. That's just the process that everyone must manage.

[trecital]

Does there seem to be any pattern, timewise, to these ups and downs? Maybe on a roughly twenty eight day rhythm?

[brisfun1980]

Guys aren't all that different, just on a different time scale. You can be extremely aroused by something, then cum, then immediately regret it with "post nut clarity". For women it's over the course of days, not minutes.

This is something that, at the very least, most women will fantasize about. But when it comes to making the fantasy a reality, the potential issues and consequences of that action cripples them. There's no un-ringing that bell. Fear of it negatively effecting, or ending, your relationship. Changing the way you see her. Fear of how society would look at her. STD's. Religious views. Etc. Those are going to make her regret her arousal.

The trick is eliminating those worries. If she can't eliminate or mitigate those, the rollercoaster will continue. That's just the process that everyone must manage.

Firstly thank you for replying, I have loved all your comments in all the other threads that you've taken the effort to post in.

I can say that my PNC when it comes to the fantasy is non existent. I had my first threesome with my ex and a friend over 20 years ago, so this idea must be somehow biologically wired into me. Whenever we act out the fantasy and finish in the bedroom, neither of us have any issues discussing it after about what we liked, didn't like and I don't get a sense of PNC from my wife.

I do accept that time is longer though, so it might be a day or two later that she might think back on what we did and those feelings start to bubble inside of her.

We've listened to podcasts, read books, watched docuseries, watched porn and spent countless nights talking about it and I'm reasonably certain most of her fears are alleviated. There is just a final blocker that seems to come down immediately and shuts the process down for days or weeks until I bring it up again.

Last month she was researching swinger clubs in Majorca & Canaries on her own initiative. Out of the blue she showed me some clubs, said we should book a trip there. Fast forward to the last few days and it's all off again, called me obsessive and we had a minor spat. It's resolved now, but I'm not sure how much longer I can keep getting spun around and blind sided.

[brisfun1980]

Does there seem to be any pattern, timewise, to these ups and downs? Maybe on a roughly twenty eight day rhythm?

I wish I could pinpoint it that easily
Her period does effect her interest for sure, but the on/off switch can come at any time.

[Shiphead]

You said she gave you pictures to post and said she was onboard with posting them. So do we get to see what she ok'd?
Good start to show her all the great responses.

[philxxo]

Oh man, I can just feel your frustrations! I would be the same. It's like torture, just pulling it away at the last minute. Do you ever ask her why she is on and off again so much? What is the final blocker for her?

Yes, I agree, some pictures would be nice. Maybe that last bit of positive reinforcement from all of us and the confidence boost would put her across the finish line for you?

[huntrrr]

I'll chime in with a little different perspective. My ex would not ever think of playing along with any fantasies. The fact that my current girlfriend is playing along and actually really playing along is so incredible to me that even if nothing else goes beyond role playing and sharing fantasies, I would be totally satisfied with that. She has really been getting into it lately and has even asked for a certain toy (the big one) just last night. This is something that I would have never gotten to experience in my previous relationship. I guess I am happy with where I am and am never going to push too much in fear of regressing to where I was. Just my two cents.

[Statein88]

I think the roller coaster is far more normal than you might think.

There’s a lot for them to overcome to take this leap. Some can do it easily, others not so much. Upbringing, societal pressures, love and loyalty to you are all probable factors.

Just try and give her space to sort things out. If she decides not to, remember why you love her to begin with. Don’t let a fantasy consume your otherwise happy relationship