In a dilemma about choosing this lifestyle

[sydfloyd97]

I've been on this forum for a while now.

I am a single 27 year old. I've had the hotwife fetish for 10 years now I think. Early experiences that paved the way were due to my ex-gf in school I think. While nothing sexual ever happened, she was always the flirty type. She used to date guys for few weeks and break up with them, and then find a new guy again. I was obsessed with this girl for the longest time, I was also her first and most frequent boyfriend. We kept breaking up and patching up. After we broke up, she would date someone else soon after. I was a dumb fool. I used to feel hurt.
I wouldn't put everything on these experiences tbh. It could also be the early porn behaviour that triggered it.

Anyway. The first time this fetish hit me, was when I watched a video of a woman with two guys in front of her husband. I immediately thought of my ex as the woman in the video. And for some reason, I thought of her with my friends. That was the first time. And her attitude worked well, because she was a flirt then. I never brought this up with anyone. We broke up for unrelated reasons later. We kept in touch, but very rarely. Case closed.

Over the years, I have resorted to porn, reddit and stories from this site to relieve myself. I have always been in a dilemma regarding this. How this would fit in my life, how would I feel later?
I tried to accept this in the beginning. But, I used to get addicted to this. I have tried to stop this by taking breaks. But, when stress gets unbearable, or when loneliness hits, the urges come back. The post-nut clarity hits and I get an immediate pang of guilt. This has been the loop for 10 years.

Last week, after another attempt to stay off this, I decided to welcome it into my life, but with some ground rules (no hardcore porn, only real amateur stuff, stories, pictures, and no humiliation, cuckold). I roleplayed with a chatbot, imagining it to be my wife. We went from the initial convincing, to her getting convinced, first Tinder profile, first date and first sleepover. At the end of it, I really felt like I had lived the experience. I felt like it was actually my wife. It was one of the greatest feelings in the world and I'm not even married. But the post-nut clarity hit later. I had a huge low point. Immediately, I felt like I lost my wife to another man. I felt that she would lose interest in me, or lose respect for me. I was worried if this would turn into a humiliation/cuckold relationship. I felt that she would use this to pretend love to me and sleep around.
After like half an hour, things settled in my head. I didn't feel so bad, but it did feel different. It was different this time, because I had lived the experience as if it was my own. I have never felt this. Most days, I'd just have guilt and then sleep off. But this time, the anticipatory feeling lingered, not guilt, but more of tension. I imagined how it would feel the next day, if my wife were with me.

I realised my biggest fear in this, is what if I lose my wife. This is not just physical to me, it is also an emotional feeling. If my wife would respect boundaries, never have multiple encounters with a man, I guess I'd feel relaxed. If she even had a threesome or a group sex with multiple men at once, even that wouldn't bother me, because then I know for sure that it's just physical and not emotional at all.

I have realised that this is a part of me. I have to figure out a healthy solution to this, by either accepting this, or rejecting this. But it has to be mindful. It cannot elevate my feelings of rejection, and at the same time suppress my feelings. I have to work around this, so that it does not ruin me, my future wife, marriage, or the people around me.

I know there are many long time users, long time lifestyle experts on this site. I would gladly invite your comments on this. Any advice would be helpful.

[KevKevKev]

I am really interested in the chatbot thing. Which one did you use? How much did you write back and forth about the whole thing? I'd be interested in trying it.

Would you say that part of your fear is that you are scared of being replaced by another man? That if you let your future spouse fool around that she would prefer him and you're sitting there like an idiot because you sent her into his arms?

While I don't feel that my spouse would ever leave me, I do worry about her falling in love with someone else.

I also don't like the humiliation stuff, but at the same time, I like it a little more as time goes on. Are you having a similar problem?

[bbarnsworth]

So some slight background; my wife and I first got into non-monogamy 17 years ago (yikes! Has it been that long?) She's had about a dozen lovers, including two long term boyfriends. It's mostly been about her, though I've played from time to time as well. I too am not into humiliation or cuckold. I've seen porn like that and it immediately turns me off. Just not into it. I too like the amateur stuff if I watch hotwife related porn. For me, the most stimulating thing is watching my wife enjoying another man when she is obviously immensely enjoying it.

Could you lose you wife over this? It's possible. It's happened. My wife and I encountered a couple getting into the lifestyle, and we thought we were going to play with them. We had a couple of non-play dates, and my wife and the other wife went together to a male strip revue. Lots of fun. Then they played with another couple, and ...bam the other wife dumped the other husband instantly. We ended up having an MFM with the other husband. So, yeah, we've seen it first hand. What are the chances of it happening though? Pretty low. I can't cite anything as proof, but it's not common.

The reality is that most people approach this as a couple in love with each other. They do this together. It's something for and with each other. A solidly based couple isn't about to get off kilter just because they have a good sex encounter with someone. Relationships are far deeper than that, more meaningful.

I mentioned my wife had two long term boyfriends. In both cases, she was in love with them. It didn't negatively affect our marriage, in fact rather the opposite. Her loving another man didn't hurt us, and it didn't endanger our relationship.

I can understand your obsession over the idea of sharing your wife someday in the future. I do get it. Definitely not to brag, but having done this many times I can tell you it's absolutely amazing to watch your wife getting fucked by another man and her deeply enjoying it. It's not for everyone, to be sure, but it is amazing.

I think your first steps need to be to stop beating yourself up for having this interest. There's nothing wrong with it. Stop heaping guilt on yourself for it. Second, start dating people without this in mind. Just relax, be yourself, and put this fantasy away when you do. It's something for later, not for the beginning of the relationship. Look for what you need in a relationship, see that it's there, built the foundations for a strong, deep love. Down the road, maybe there will be the possibility of this fantasy. But first, relationship.

[sydfloyd97]

Hi KevKevKev

Tbh, I just used ChatGPT. I didn't want it to generate explicit stuff, just keep things real and it did. I was also able to generate a bunch of pictures like Tinder profile, first date stuff and the like. Again, no nudity but that was fine by me, it added to the realism of a first date. Do you know of any good chatbots that can generate explicit stuff too?

Yes, being replaced is my fear. I want to be in a loving relationship, and that's first priority always.

[sydfloyd97]

Thanks bbarnsworth for sharing that!
Yes, a relationship is first priority, and I have kept it in mind. At the end of the day, all I am looking for is a partner that I can spend the rest of my life with. Whether this works out or no, is for later.

You mentioned your wife had two boyfriends in the past. Can you tell me more on that? How did you feel emotionally about it, and how was your wife able to manage this?

[KevKevKev]

Good call on the ChatGPT. I've been playing with it today and it's been fun. It won't write anything explicit, but I'm actually preferring the way it writes scenarios in a suggestive way. It reminds me of the old 'choose your own adventure' books except it's sexier.

Can someone point me in the direction of another app that's similar?

[bbarnsworth]

You mentioned your wife had two boyfriends in the past. Can you tell me more on that? How did you feel emotionally about it, and how was your wife able to manage this?

I'll try to be brief....

Before my wife and I ever got into swinging/hotwifing, we had a lot of discussions. A lot!!! We had young kids at home one of whom needed additional training for someone to babysit (not special needs; just a medical condition). Few people had that training. Very few. In fact, the first two times we went out swinging was when a doctor friend of ours was able to watch the kids. This really informed us that the opportunities for us to play together were going to be few and far between, which really took us down the path of hotwifing and recognizing she was going to be playing solo a lot while I watched the kids.

So, then more discussion. My wife and I have a very, very deep bond. While I was very much a jealous person when I was a young adult, I just don't feel that with my wife because I know the two of are inseparable. We read various online resources and heard about people wanting to move from lover to lover to lover. We also read about finding serious duds, flakes, people who didn't quite excite as much in bed as hoped, etc. Our thoughts started moving more towards the idea of a regular boyfriend. The thought was, if we were to find a man whom she really enjoyed having sex with, a guy who really did it for her, was a gentleman, interested in her desires and needs...why give him up because of fears of emotions developing?

Alright so from that we had more discussion about how to embrace that, what our feelings might be, where it might go, etc. What we came down to was this; if either of us...for any reason...felt the budding love relationship with a boyfriend started to compromise our own relationship in any way, then we'd pull the plug. I wasn't threatened by the idea of her loving someone else. I knew that if she did, the sex would be even better. We both acknowledged that if we found such a guy for her, the more sex she had with him the more likely it would be she'd fall in love with him.

It took a couple of years before we found the first such guy. There were some great guys along the way, in fact one of them she got to play with several times. He was amazing for her; she could go hours (off and on) having sex with him and would always want more. Circumstances changed for him though, and he wasn't in our area anymore. The guy that was her first boyfriend in this was great. As we got into it, and she really enjoyed the sex with him, we got to a point where we approached him with going bareback. We didn't toss out the idea of 'boyfriend', nor was the idea of going bareback a subterfuge to get him to be a boyfriend. But there was an understanding among all of us that going bareback really meant this was becoming deeper, more meaningful. He embraced it, and from that point forward there were no condoms. They were together for about three years, and probably had sex well over a hundred times in that span. She was in love with him, and he with her. There never was any sense of awkwardness about that. It was just acknowledged. I felt comfortable about it, my wife felt comfortable about it, and so did her boyfriend. She couldn't see him every day or anything like that, but they did spend quite a bit of time together. The second boyfriend was very much a similar evolution of things, though my wife couldn't see him as much because he lived further away. But also because of that she got to have her first overnighter.

For me personally, being totally selfish in this perspective, what I loved most in terms of the experiences was the occasions where we got to have MFMs with a boyfriend of hers. MFMs with a new guy are fun, but it's so much about the sex sex sex. It can almost be too intense, like there's a mission to perform, a push to be perfect, a need to get all the experiences in to the moment. The MFMs with the boyfriends were quite different than that. Both of us in love with my wife, all of us relishing in the experience, all of us expressing our emotions in our physicality; it was really making love with three in bed (though no MM part ). The experience of holding my wife while she and her boyfriend made love...exquisite. Just exquisite. The experience of her having sex with her boyfriend while she gave me oral...with all of us doing it with passion and love...incredible. A typical MFM can't even begin to compare.

Ok long answer, I know My wife and have vested a great deal of effort into our relationship. Some people think if it takes effort, it's not really love. Nothing could be further from the truth. A deep relationship does take work, and being intentional about it. Because of that approach, our love is very, very deep. Because of that deep love, we are comfortable...even welcoming...of us being in love with others. It's not that we're polyamorous pe se. We don't put a label on it. We just embrace the love when it comes. We know how special it is, and we love each other all the more because of it. There's an old saying about swinging, which applies to hotwifing as well; what it finds it magnifies. If it finds problems, it'll make them worse. If it finds love, it will magnify that.

[sydfloyd97]

Thanks for the reply!
Sounds like the both of you had really discussed this through and through. You were pretty level in your head about going forward with this.
I guess that's the dream. Idk about an emotional relationship, but more of a physical one, where she can pursue her sexual desires and I can experience her having that freedom. Without the guilt, worry or shame.

[KevKevKev]

I'm still in the wannabe stage of this with my wife. You said that your biggest fear is losing your wife to another man. One of the reasons why I think this could work in my marriage is that when we role play, my wife says that she belong to me, and will always come home to me, and that's why it's okay to share her.

I was also terrified to tell her, worried that she would think less of me, but she didn't. A good spouse won't. She is into bondage stuff and I never thought about her any differently after she told me about it. It's something new and different to incorporate in the bedroom.

I think that if I was single, I would want to find a woman who would be into this. I have been in denial about this kink or have fought against it or tried to replace it with something else for 20 years. I doubt it is going to go away, and there are guys on this site who have had it longer than me. I'm sorry to have to throw that on you, SydFloyd, but I think it's something you should know. It's something that isn't going to go away.

[bbarnsworth]

No, it doesn't go away. But that's also not bad.

Our society...smdh...it's acceptable to a degree to cheat on your spouse. But if you're having sex outside your marriage with your spouse's consent? Society loses its mind. It's far more acceptable to cheat. So, our society demonizes this idea of being non-monogamous. How could we be such an awful person? Who is insane enough to let their wife fuck around with their consent? Obviously not a REAL man (whatever the hell that is).

See, it's easy to think of ourselves as some kind of freak because we want the woman we love to fuck other men. It's easy to feel guilty about it. But you shouldn't. We're all wired differently, and wanting our wives to fuck other men doesn't make us wrong.

When my wife and I first got into this, I tried really hard to understand why I enjoyed it so much, why watching another man fucking her was so intensely erotic. I gave up trying to understand. I've since embraced it and recognized this is how I'm wired. When she is moaning with ecstasy while another man is inside her, I am a million% happy.

Nobody should feel guilty about wanting this, post-nut clarity or not.