Is this what I truly want?

[David001]

Hi all, this has been a great forum and exciting to read all your stories. I will go into some details of my situation so that you all can better understand and then offer your opinions.

I am 34, married to a 33 year old beautiful women. She is 5’3, pretty, with an excellent figure. We have been married for 6 years and dated for 3 years before, so together a total of 9 years now. We love each other dearly, and besides the normal fights the every couple has, have a solid relationship that just keeps getting better.

Prior to getting married, we did a fair bit of long distance. Iv always been very fond of phone sex, and while dating her I introduced her to this concept. She didn’t love it all the time, but we had our fair share of playing with this idea. One day, whilst having phone sex, I mentioned to her if she’d want to do roles that we knew of, like she be my best friends wife, or I be her best friends husband. She got very upset, and told me she would never even think of such an idea. However, the next night she called me and said she wanted to try, and from then on every phone sex we had was taboo, and we were always role playing to be someone else, and it was amazing! The teasing, her saying this is wrong on a sexy way and then going for it anyway. We both really enjoyed it, although from time to time she would say she does it more for me than her.

We eventually got to the same city, got married, and the phone sex stopped, and the regular sex was pretty vanilla. Our sex was fun when we had it, but it was not as frequent. We became busy with life, moving countries, exploring, working, and frankly I think both of us were quite tired and just wouldn’t be able to make time for regular sex. During this time, I frequently masterbated.

My fantasies during masterbation were always me with another women. Her best friends, my friends wife, nanny (made up), or some girl I knew and thought was hot and wanted to sleep with in fantasy. Keep this in mind, I would never cheat on my wife in real, and this was just me imagining things in my fantasy.

After about 3 years of being married, I one day asked her if she would want to role play in real like we did on the phone. She agreed and at first it was a little awkward, but we did a few goes. We were both pretending to be someone else, and I think she didn’t like me wanting to be with someone else, and so one day she said we don’t do this at all anymore. I asked her what bothered her and she said the idea of me wanting another women. She said she was okay with role playing, but she always had to be her, and I could be someone else. And that’s where it all started. She said it because she didn’t want me to be thinking about another women, but for me it was the beginning.

From then on, we did several role plays. She isn’t always up for it, but once or twice a month we would role play. She would be she, and I would be her boss, her husbands best friend, her best friends husband, he ex, basically someone other than myself. My turn on was if it was a power dynamic and also if it was someone taboo or someone we knew, we didn’t put any names to it. What REALY turned me on in these situations was that she would dress up is sexy lingerie, short black robes, and I would pretend to be completely unsuspecting and land up in a situation where the two of us were alone and she would seduce me. Now my wife is hot, but when we have normal sex there’s not a lot of foreplay, but with these role plays there was so much role play and she was a SLUT when she was seducing these men into having sex with her.

All this role playing then started giving me thoughts of having her satisfied, by someone who would do a better job then me, rougher, more uninhibited. And it turned me on. I started fantasizing about my wife instead of other women more frequently, and now she was the one I was fantasizing about even when masterbating, and again it was the idea that she would become so slutty and seductive when she was with someone new, as opposed to normal when she was with her long term husband, it was that idea that excited me.

I have mentioned a couple of times to my wife the idea of doing this in real, and although she turned me down every time, saying she would never in real, she did ask me a couple of times whether I’d be okay with her cheating on me, specially when true on during sex or foreplay. Every time I said I would be okay she always said I was just joking and testing you. There are times when Iv brought the idea of her having sex with another guy and she has gotten completely turned off from the sex.

I have 2 questions from you all: 1. Do you think I am into hot wifing or am I just confusing my feelings for having sexy sex/wanting to have sex with someone other than what my wife normally is to me? And 2. By her reactions do you think she will ever be ready for this?

[Pufferfish]

Well, from what you've posted, it initially sounds like you're more into swinging, where you each have sex with someone else rather than hotwifing. But seems towards the end that maybe you are indeed getting more serious about just hotwifing.

That is an important distinction for you to make. Because one of the first things that your wife (is probably) experiencing, is the fear that this hotwifing fetish is just an excuse, and once she has sex with someone else, you'll use that opportunity to try to sleep with someone else too. So one of the first hurdles many of us face is the assurance that we don't want to have sex with someone else and truly do just want her to do so. If that is true for you or not, you'll have to determine because that conversation is likely coming if you continue.

Beyond that, yes it seems like you're just one of us who want this lifestyle. So your first real task in all this is going to have to be gaining full and complete trust of your wife, and having a pure honest conversation. Not foreplay. Not roleplay. Not sex. Just conversation. So when you are feeling brave, you'll have to talk with her and tell her that this fantasy you have is real, and something you'd want her to actually do when/if she's ever ready to. Tell her what about it you like, why you like it, what you would expect from it, and just let her think on it a bit. She's likely to love the idea the more she thinks about it and the more you tell her and the more she trusts that you're 100% honest with her, but she might decide that it's not something she can do and it's best left to fantasy. But that's where this has to start.

[leggysman]

When you're having the conversation as Pufferfish suggests, it might help to mention that this sharing kink is very common in men, and that lots of people actually do this. I think it helped my wife to realize that what I was suggesting wasn't uniquely weird.

Coming to this site and doing some reading helped her to come around to that point, and eventually to try being a hotwife herself. Encouragement from other hotwives such as jane, Lookingforadventure and Farmgirl also helped a lot, I'm sure!

[truesub]

If you have even a shadow of doubt, don't go this particular way.

[KevKevKev]

I have a couple of questions. Are you still wanting to sleep with other women? Which one gets you off more, the idea of your wife fucking someone else or of you both swinging? Would you be happy if it was a hotwife only relationship and you would never get the chance to fuck other women? I think you need these answers to find out if this is the thing you truly want. If your wife is a hard no on swinging, then this would be your only other non-monogamy option, and would you be happy with that?

[Midnight Joker]

There are times when Iv brought the idea of her having sex with another guy and she has gotten completely turned off from the sex.

I have 2 questions from you all: 1. Do you think I am into hot wifing or am I just confusing my feelings for having sexy sex/wanting to have sex with someone other than what my wife normally is to me? And 2. By her reactions do you think she will ever be ready for this?

I'm still in the wannabe category. When I brought up cuckolding to my wife years ago she had the same reaction. She even said, after a few times of asking, that she felt like I was trying to push her away. Basically, she thought I didn't love her and was trying to get rid of her in an indirect way (my words).

Years later, cuckolding is pretty much the go-to fantasy. Every once in awhile I ask if she's OK with my wanting to be a cuck, and she tells me that she doesn't mind it, but that it will never happen for real.

If I could have a do-over, I would have put us into situations where there would be a better chance of it happening. Nothing sneaky, but perhaps a vacation to an area where "cheating" isn't unheard of, or to a club where men aren't afraid to flirt and dance with other men's wives...and especially while we were both younger.

[ferrisandrews]

Honestly I have to do a shameless plug for my book. This is one of the primary reasons I wrote it. I mean really, if you're a wife and your husband tells you he wants you to sleep around with anyone you want, it would sound ridiculous (and highly suspicious). She likely won't fathom why that might excite you and that vacuum of understanding will make room for all kinds of wrong assumptions (he wants to sleep around, he doesn't love me anymore, etc.). Until she (and you!) understands clearly how this lifestyle excites you and why, she's not going to be open to going down this path. She might even get upset and angry when you do bring it up. If she can't get past her "this is a ruse" assumption, she'll be insulted that you think so little of her intelligence that she couldn't see through this.

As unfair as it is, husbands have less clout with their wives than other people.

A sexy example is when a man she doesn't know compliments how she looks. He's not married to her, he has no obligation whatsoever to lie to her (unless he's coming off sleezy and just wants in her panties). If she finds him attractive then he has shown her he has options, and rather than look at someone else, he chose her. Even if nothing comes of it (and it likely won't), she will walk away from that interaction affected, perhaps physically, but definitely mentally & emotionally. She will think about that guy for a while, not because she would have entertained his advances, but because of the way he made her feel. This can be true for all women, but particularly true of wives, since they wear that small round billboard commanding other guys to get lost. It may even catch her by surprise how much of an effect that interaction had on her.

A less sexy example is this topic, where the husband brings up the idea of the hotwife or cuckold lifestyle. If the husband assures her there's no hidden meaning behind wanting to try this lifestyle out, it won't mean much. In her eyes, he has every motivation under the sun to mask any "real" intention he may have. However, hearing about it via other sources (like this forum, or perhaps a book) can help diffuse her defensiveness and objectively clarify why it might be an exciting way to spice up her marriage, rather than a threat to it.

She will still say no, but as she gains more understanding about it, she will become less threatened about it. Over time, she may begin to explore it a bit more, on her own perhaps and maybe even with you. You can't immediately undo decades of social, political and religious shaming about feelings and ideas she has become so accustomed to denying. However, time can also be on your side, if you can both explore this lifestyle patiently and on a timeline that you both can be comfortable with.

Anyway, if you think she may be open to reading more about it, the link is in my signature. Good luck!

[David0101]

Thank you all for your reply. I have a few updates. Recently, my best friend came to our house to stay for the weekend. I actually got very jealous of the idea of him spending time with my wife alone, and also was very repulsed by the idea of him having sex with her.

Her on the other hand, she actually tried to talk to him more, even asked him if he’s been working out etc. like I said, Iv mentioned the fantasy to her and she’s straight out said no and been pretty disgusted.

When he left, I tried to imagine it and still didn’t like. But when I imagined it with me being the best friend who is fucking her (my wife, I just played both roles), it was fucking hot. I fucked her after she seduced me. We even dirty talked about it, and said that me (her husband) was away when she fucked his best friend (me).

Still confused about whether it’s swinger or hot winging that I’m into, hoping someone here can give me more clarity.

[bbarnsworth]

Still confused about whether it’s swinger or hot winging that I’m into, hoping someone here can give me more clarity.

It's hard to know. At first pass, that you became jealous and repulsed by the idea of your best friend having sex with your wife is a very strong red flag that you shouldn't be considering your wife having sex with another man. However, your best friend possibly isn't the best candidate to determine that, for all sorts of reasons. Try approaching this with the idea that your wife will have sex with someone she's only recently met, who is not friends with you. See how that plays out in your mind.

It is entirely possible you're just into the fantasy of all this, but not the reality. That's nothing to be ashamed of.

Tangential, but reminds me of a person who posted on another forum many years ago about an experience he and his wife had. They were at a swinger party, with many dozens of people in attendance. They were both standing at a bar, she dressed in a sexy bra, garter belt, stockings, and heels. A man came up behind her, talking in her ear. She welcomed his advances. After a bit, they had sex while her husband watched. The entire time, she never turned around. After they were done, the other man moved off into the crowd. She never knew who it was she had fucked.

Consider that scenario; how would you feel about a total stranger fucking your wife while you watched?

[AZguy425]

I think if this does turn you on and it's something you want them you don't want it with someone you know. A lot of guys like the comfort of knowing the other guy because there's a degree of being much more involved in the situation.

I on the other hand would never want it to be someone we knew, or if it was someone she knew it was more of an infrequent thing. As such, I fantasize and am turned on by the idea of a stranger or random acquaintance seducing and fucking her... like on a work trip or something. I never fantasize about her with anyone we know or see more than rarely.

I think you should consider what the parameters of your fantasy are. You now know it isn't your friend, maybe not people you know. What about strangers or people only your wife knows??

[David001]

Those all seem like very valid points to consider. I can certainly say for sure that I have significant reluctance in imagining her with with people we both know, it would make me very jealous. The only person I can say I would be okay with her fucking is our couple friend, but I would only be okay with her fucking him if i was fucking his wife (which i have wanted to), so thats more of a swingers lifestyle and not exactly hotwifing.

When i imagine her with someone thats a complete stranger, i do enjoy her getting fucked, and dont feel the need to be fucking another women myself. I do have a kink of her getting fucked pretty hard, even manhandled with rough sex but of course for her enjoyment, and that's something i have enjoyed in my fantasies. I have also REALLY enjoyed the fantasy of her being a complete slut, seducing other men, even men with more power then her, dressing up in slutty lingerie and seducing her boss to fuck her for favors/etc. The only problem is, whenever i have fantasized about this or we have done real life role plays, the guy on the other end pretending to be the other guy is always me.

Recently, she has stopped entertaining my requests for roleplay sex. We have been having it on and off for a long time now, but I dont think she is even aware of the concept of hotwifing, its just role play sex for her. She enjoys it more during specific phases of her cycle, but then says she wants to shut it down because it makes us think 'in weird ways'. I deff think shes thinking about these things and is trying to avoid going down that road because she thinks its wrong, but still enjoys it.

Do you guys think i should introduce her to the term 'hot wife', when im not sure myself if thats what i want?

[bbarnsworth]

She enjoys it more during specific phases of her cycle, but then says she wants to shut it down because it makes us think 'in weird ways'. I deff think shes thinking about these things and is trying to avoid going down that road because she thinks its wrong, but still enjoys it.

Do you guys think i should introduce her to the term 'hot wife', when im not sure myself if thats what i want?

You don't know if its what you want, but that's ok.

A key thing in developing a marriage into one involving hotwifing is being able to completely and openly communicate your deepest thoughts, hopes, dreams, fantasies, etc. Being able to do so not just in the bedroom, but outside of it as well is important. I would work on trying to develop that level of communication with your wife. It can be difficult. Most people aren't really expecting it or prepared for it. It requires a level of trust beyond what most people expect in a relationship. It's not just "I trust <spouse> won't cheat on me" or "...lie to me" or "...do things that hurt me". It's "I can share anything with <spouse>, and feel comfortable doing it". It takes time to develop that. Part of that is having a good ability to just listen without judgment, without sarcasm, without any feels of insecurity.

It took time for my wife and I to develop this. Now, near 25 years into our marriage, we can tell each other literally anything, and neither of us feels uncomfortable doing so. We are a total team. We don't ever crack jokes about some deeper thought or feeling, but embrace it and help explore it. Most husbands know the rule book; thou shalt not look at, comment on, or talk with another woman while in the presence of your wife. With my wife, I can say "Wow she is really beautiful!" about a woman we see out and about and not only am I not in the doghouse, my wife will comment as well, usually in agreement. The same goes the other way; my wife can nudge me while looking at a guy and say, "He's a YES!" This doesn't develop overnight.

As part of this process, discussing your deepest fantasies should be part of the discussion. Eventually, letting her know that you sometimes have fantasies of watching her have sex with another man will come out and be discussed. She might reject it, or not, or something inbetween. Regardless, you've let her know this fantasy. The seed gets planted, and over time it may grow. I didn't intentionally plant a thought seed with my wife about this topic, but it came up in conversation before we were married, sharing each other's sexual histories. It never came up in conversation after that, and I didn't really have a thought about her having sex with other men. She brought it up 6 years into our marriage. After months of discussion, off to the races we went.

Your wife might reject the thought, and you might want to politely and warmly remind her that while a thought doesn't need to be accepted, it shouldn't be criticized either; that's part of developing the trust. No judgment. It allows both of you to explore the idea together, even if it's not accepted. So if she rejects the idea, an ok way to respond might be "It's not for me, but it's interesting. How do you feel about this and where do you think it comes from?" A negative way to respond which goes against trust, "Oh wow, that's disgusting. How could you think such a thought?"

As is sometimes the case, your wife might think you have an ulterior motive. For example, that you want to open your marriage so you can fuck around with permission. She might think you already have a woman in mind. She might also be fearful that your marriage is coming apart. You can allay those fears by expressing that this is discussion, not action, and no fantasy gets played out...ever...without both of you being in 100% agreement. You're a team.

You're in your early 30s. This is a great time to start developing this. Most people in their 20s don't have the emotional maturity to do this and not feel immense amounts of fear.

[amanda24br]

I'm new here on the site, I'm from Brazil, I didn't find any topics in Portuguese, so I'm here. My husband told me to access it, we've been together for 8 years, I started dating him when I was 17, at 19 I had already had my first threesome, I confess I like to be with other men, but I always prefer to go alone, but my husband doesn't like it very much, without him I feel freer to enjoy it, and when he goes along, he interrupts sometimes, I don't know what to do about it, if I should continue or not, but I don't want to tell him

[armyguyot1]

Welcome to the forum amanada24br. We don't allow any language other than English but we sure are happy to have you as a member. I think you will get some good advise from this site.

[ucaneffher]

I'm new here on the site, I'm from Brazil, I didn't find any topics in Portuguese, so I'm here. My husband told me to access it, we've been together for 8 years, I started dating him when I was 17, at 19 I had already had my first threesome, I confess I like to be with other men, but I always prefer to go alone, but my husband doesn't like it very much, without him I feel freer to enjoy it, and when he goes along, he interrupts sometimes, I don't know what to do about it, if I should continue or not, but I don't want to tell him

Maybe you can compromise and meet him in the middle...

Today he goes with you and watches you and even might interrupt. Tomorrow, you go alone and let go of yourself completely and enjoy being free.

Just alternate days or find a system that works. Another idea is that for every 2- 3 times that your husband is present, you earn one night away to spend the entire night/sleep with the other man. This will ensure you have uninterrupted sex all night and in the morning.

Good luck!