Should I be worried?

[2inUPMichigan]

Everyone is telling you what would work best for them but the only real important thing is what will work best for the two of you.

The problem is that you are not being open and honest with each other. You are holding back your true feelings for the "right moment" hoping that things will just work out the way you want them to. That never works! She isn't going to know what you are thinking or feeling unless you actually tell her.

I understand that you tend to be passive but if your needs aren't being met it is your responsibility to speak up for yourself and make sure she understands what you are thinking and feeling. You can't expect other people to automatically know what your needs are if you haven't told them.

Example the overnight thing and phone contact - I do not stay overnight ever that is a choice we made together in the beginning. I sleep next to my husband only, no other man as for me that is too intimate. As far as phone contact, once I leave the house I am not in contact with hubby until I return home. The only reason I would call is if I was in trouble. Neither one of us thinks there is any need for me to "check in" with him while I am out.

That is what works for us but that does not mean I would ever recommend that for anyone else as each of us is different and we each need to tailor our choices to best suit what works for us.

I hope that the two of you can sit down and have a productive discussion where you talk about all those little things that you don't have a clear understanding on.

Good luck! We really all wish the best for the two of you

[Xalar11]

Regarding the main issue, well, I can only repeat what others already have said and you probably already know yourself, that communication between you and your wife is the key. If something worries or bothers you bring it up with your wife, and I think it's in general better to do this rather sooner than later, "to wait for the right moment", so to say, isn't always the smartest strategy.
And one other thing I would strongly recommend to you, and that is having a watchful eye on this lover of your wife. Look, I don't want you to be paranoid and I'm not saying that in any case he tries to steal your wife away from you, but in the other side it would be naive of you to trust this guy and his "good intentions". In this context, if your wife stays overnight with him, every once in a while, that's maybe not that big of problem, but in my opinion it should be excactly just that: one night and not more. Her spending with him 3 days and nights regularly, I don't know, but I doubt that this is really a positive thing for your marriage in the longterm. I can comprehend that it's probably impossible to call off her 3 day-stay with him next weekend, that would probably do more harm than good for you, but after that I think you should come to an agreement with your wife that she won't spend more than one night with him in the future and this way won't be separated from you that long. But that's of course only my opinion.

I think this other commentator above is spot on. It would be indeed quite naive of you to trust this lover of your wife. Her spending one night with him, Ok, but three that's cleary something that shouldn't happen, under no circumstances.
Also that your wife is often for long stretches on the phone with him, well into the night as you said, isn't something that's sounds very good. Does this happen daily? It's a bit sad that your wife herself doesn't seem to recognize that her involvements with this guy goes too far, at times? But the problem is also that you're so damn passive, at least it seems that way. I doubt your wife wants a passive man as a husband, (when you want to express it in a less favourable way you can say she certainly doesn't want a passive wimp as her husband). Please, excuse my harsh words. It sounds that I'm attacking you, but your report has made me really feel for you, I don't want that anything bad happens to you. In general, you seem to be a very forbearing person, maybe too forbearing for your own good.

I hope we hear from you very soon. To be honest I waited for an update of you the whole week, and I bet I'm not the only one.

[Iwatchherplay]

My wife fell in love with the first man I talked her into having sex with. Great sex causes great emotions .

Our sex together started feeling different. It was ok with me. Watching her enjoying it with him was my fantasy come true. She got very horny in anticipation of doing it with him again. I started teasing her to make her super horny for him.

She loved me more for "allowing" her to have sex with other men. With him.

To her it was like having two husbands.

[2wheel]

It depends on what you want out of this lifestyle.

[McRex]

It seams like you're overreacting. Why? Just read again all what ppl sayd here.

[Shaun89]

Hi, just a quick check in as this week I've been really busy with work and house maintenance (water in basement, don't ask). I'll pop back when I'm at home alone on Monday and respond individually.

So I did have the conversation with my wife before her weekend away as suggested, and it was a long one. I will elaborate further on Monday but here's a quick lowdown of what was good, and what was bad.

The 'good'
- I asked if she had fallen in love with him, she said she hadn't fallen in love. But she has got feelings for him (see 'the bad')
- She would contact me more when she was with him, and apologised for not contacting me as much before. She promised to send pictures and videos on the next visit as a priority
- She downgraded her visit this weekend from 3 days to just 1 night (tonight) at my request. She will be back Sunday afternoon/evening
- It was an overall positive discussion and she listened to my concerns. She didn't have any concerns apart from making sure I was ok with whatever situation we agreed
- She hasn't had anal sex with him as per our rules. He has asked, and she said no
- If I have a problem with a arranged plan, I have the power to veto it - just to let her know and she will tell him that it's cancelled

The 'bad'
- She said she had developed a "fondness" of him that transcended just a bull/wife meet. She understood this was not ideal, but she couldn't stop her feelings developing. She said she hadn't told me because she had basically only really admitted it to herself very recently and was a bit confused herself but said they are low level
- They had bareback sex on the last visit after a condom split and he came inside her without them knowing. They carried on (after a mild panic) as he had a recent checkup (proof) to show he was clean and since he had already came inside her she thought it wasn't a problem to continue
- She had also swallowed his cum before. She didn't like it but she has always said no to me when I've asked this
- She requested that she didn't wear condoms anymore with him because of the clean bill of health (I guess this isn't bad?) and I agreed as long as she felt confident he wasn't seeing anyone else and he has another test in a few months time
- She still wants to see him fairly regularly but will reduce the length where possible

Overall, I was happy with the outcome. I'll update fully in a few days guys, my brain is a bit of a stress mess at the moment (other problems, not this) so apologies for not posting the full conversation.

[Xalar11]

Overall, I was happy with the outcome. I'll update fully in a few days guys, my brain is a bit of a stress mess at the moment (other problems, not this) so apologies for not posting the full conversation.

Hello you I hope everything is Ok? In you last statement on Saturday you said you would be back on Monday responding to our questions and with a more detailed update. So, I hope nothing bad has happen? I guess you're just busy with work.

[MaxCargo]

I wonder what has happened? Hope you find some time to update us.

[Shaun89]

Hi, I'm sorry I never got to update this properly as things took a turn for the south as it were and I've been really busy with work and renovation (I think I've been distracting myself with these tasks to keep my mind off things) so it didn't seem a priority

She saw him again the weekend after the previous mentioned meet for a couple more nights (with communication and a picture!) but came back and wanted to talk. She got a bit emotional and admitted she did love him and they had spoken about being together after a few drinks and admitted their feelings for one another. She also admitted they had also had anal sex many times and she didn't want to say anything because of my reaction when she said previously she had been swallowing his cum from blowjobs (I was a little hurt in my eyes apparently - probably because she also refuses that with me, so stopped short of telling me about the anal sex). She didn't know what to do but she basically wanted both of us and didn't want to lose me, but wanted to see where it led with him. She knew she was having her cake and eating it but she said she couldn't help her feelings.

After a loooooong discussion (and I'm talking long - tears included), we agreed that she could date him more as a boyfriend and still have me too. I didn't see any other way out of it as I thought it wouldn't be much different than it is now to be honest, just that the only difference is she has admitted feelings for him that would eventually fade. I've read a lot about NRE and I believe it's just all that and lust.

They started to meet more regularly and the amount of nights increased again, but she still communicated with me plenty so I thought it was a fair trade off in the meantime whilst her lust wears off. I think she sensed I was becoming a bit numb and in the interest of keeping me happy, said that she would ask if I could come again to watch at some point. She also talked about me potentially looking for another female (or couple) from the swinging scene were from. I was open to the idea and started messaging people, with my wife actually helping typing out the messages (apparently I need to learn how to do a good opening message to women)! This was towards the start of August and due to Covid of course, it's just been chat with others since then but some intentions to meet potentially in the future.

She must have told him this (I presume they speak about me, but I didn't know how much, evidently about personal things too) and he requested that my wife and I started wearing condoms if we had penetrative sex because he won't know for definite if I suddenly sleep with someone and then my wife and then she with him. I did try to explain to my wife that they had been sleeping without condoms for a while now and it wasn't really fair, but she said he wasn't actively looking for anyone else, and I was, so she agreed with him. I said I wouldn't message any women, but she said his mind is made up. So in the few times we have had sex (once a week maybe at best?) I've had to wear a condom with her. Which is wierd. After not wearing condoms for a long time, let me telll you it takes a lot of feeling away, more than I remember. She won't budge on it and will put one on me if I go anywhere near her pussy (she won't let me in her ass as that's 'his' apparently..hmm.. ) with my cock as she doesn't want to betray him, especially since they dont wear any. She still seems to enjoy sex with me though, even with condoms.

So that's the update basically. And basically, I dont know what the fuck is going on if I'm honest. I feel like I'm horny one minute thinking about it, then worried the next that she just won't come home after meeting him one time. She already has tons of her clothes at his place. But then she is fine when she's here and communicates more when she's there. I came here mainly because I'm in the horny stage for a moment because I haven't had sex in soon to be two weeks and the wife is away with him all week this week at his place (booked off work together) and thought I'd update you all whilst I look at other topics.

I don't know guys, I'm not unhappy, but certainly not happy. Talking to other women helps, but you know sometimes when you think, why the fuck did I get into all this for? Why do I have this kink? She has given the indication that she wouldn't give him up if I asked, so I think the only option is to ride out the NRE until she comes to her senses and chalk it as a lesson learned. I'm not sure I'm even asking for advice anymore. It.... is what it is? Hmm.

Shaun

[XYAlpha]

She won't "betray" him but she did you.

Look for your answer there...

XY

[36DDwife]

She won't "betray" him but she did you.

Look for your answer there...

XY

Bingo! Bigger cock, more money, & betrayed you over him....I’d get my ducks in a row or learn to play second fiddle from now on. Or at least until he gets tired of her.

[Msn75]

It’s not NRE, she loves him. She told you that. Believe her.

She’s prioritizing him over you if you are wearing condoms and he isn’t! You gotta take control of that situation, man...

Also why is a stud like that only fucking a few times a month? Most likely he is banging others, too. He is playing you, and you are letting him.

[36DDwife]

It’s not NRE, she loves him. She told you that. Believe her.

She’s prioritizing him over you if you are wearing condoms and he isn’t! You gotta take control of that situation, man...

Also why is a stud like that only fucking a few times a month? Most likely he is banging others, too. He is playing you, and you are letting him.

Agreed. I was thinking it but didn’t say it.

[ckathrill]

Your marriage is about to come to end and there does not seem a damn thing you can do about it. You have to wear a condom and he doesn't? That is insane among many other things.

[Serrand]

I don't know guys, I'm not unhappy, but certainly not happy. Talking to other women helps, but you know sometimes when you think, why the fuck did I get into all this for? Why do I have this kink? She has given the indication that she wouldn't give him up if I asked, so I think the only option is to ride out the NRE until she comes to her senses and chalk it as a lesson learned. I'm not sure I'm even asking for advice anymore. It.... is what it is? Hmm.

Shaun

First, a big thank you for giving us this update. I assume it wasn't that easy.

You seem to be a "good guy" therefore it pains me to see that you obviously don't recognize that you're on the way of loosing your wife, if that not already has happened. Your wife suggestion that you could or should meet with other women is maybe her way to ease your pain before she will leave you once and for all. For you I hope I'm wrong about this, but it could very well the way I said.

You said this is mainly NRE and you think it's best to ride it out until she comes to her senses and chalk it as a lesson learned. Maybe that's the case, but I doubt this. Again you seem to be a sympathic guy and I don't want to offend you, and it pains me to say it but it's quite naive of you to think this.

Allow me a question how often in a week does she actually meet with this guy you never answered this? You say she spend this week with him when is she scheduled to be home again?
I'm absolutely astonished that you agreed she could stay a complete week with him. You shouldn't be surprised if the hammer falls down on you after this week once and for all, she say to you the famous words:" We need to talk", and that's it.

One other thing, why in hell, did you agree to wear condoms? Never ever you should have agreed to this. Don't be appear so weak. I know you don't ask for advice, but first you should have sex with her way more often than just once a week including anal sex. And you should make clear to your wife of she loves you and your marriage means anything to her and then you will have never wear a condom again, instead rather her lover boy should wear them.

Generally, if you want to keep your wife start finally fighting for her and don't be so damn passive. Actually you should call her and tell her it's very, very serious and she should come home your marriage is at stack. And even if it's risky you should confront her and ask her who is actually more important to her: you or him? How much dies she actually loves you? I know this could cause you maybe a lot of pain, but to drag this on will cause you probably even more pain in the longterm.

Look this all is of course only my opinion, what you finally do is only your business. Excuse me that my thoughts were maybe a bit in disarray. Believe me I really hope, like others, everything works out for you, even if some words are harsh. I hope you keep us updated.

[Jaxunman]

You said she already has tons of her clothes at his place. They have booked a week off together to stay at his place. She is denying you pretty much anything physical in a marital relationship. Your wife has admitted to her many lies to you trying to minimize their connection and relationship. Your wife has been slowly removing herself physically from you since meeting him. Her lies and loyalty to him indicate that emotionally she already belongs to him. Her suggesting you find another woman or couple to play with should speak loud and clear where head, heart and body are.

While you are sitting on your hands waiting for some imaginary NRE to run its course, he has lock, stock, and barrel taken her from you. I am sad for you, man. I don't like the odds of your marriage surviving. So sad to see it happen cause you appeared to be trying to be a good supportive guy in all this. Still, I am guessing by Halloween, you two will be officially separated.

[Jjhw311ohw]

It’s not NRE, she loves him. She told you that. Believe her.

She’s prioritizing him over you if you are wearing condoms and he isn’t! You gotta take control of that situation, man...

Also why is a stud like that only fucking a few times a month? Most likely he is banging others, too. He is playing you, and you are letting him.

Agreed. I was thinking it but didn’t say it.

Agreed.

[Xalar11]

Well, I can only agree to what all others already have. You really seem to be a sympathic guy and I don't wish you and harm, but I simply don't understand why you allow that this all escalate that far. Right from the beginning many here have warned you, that you shouldn't trust this guy, and now it's maybe already too late.

At the latest when he "requested" you should wear condoms you should have put your foot down and said no more. How could agree to this? He is humiliating you and you allow this. Seriously, don't you recognize this?

And indeed, if you have any hope to safe your marriage, if it's not already too late for that, you have to wake up finally, for God Sake!!! Like another already said don't be so damn passive. Try to get her home immediately. That's another thing I simply don't understand why you agree to her staying with him that long, at least you should have made clear to her how much this hurt you. Make her understand what is at stack, tell her if she loves you she will come home. That's maybe not fair, but the others also playing with youYes, there is the possiblity she refuse to come home, but then at least you know where you stand with her.

Despite everything I really hope to hear from you

[anonymister1948]

You clearly came here for advice. Hell, you even have a poll asking for it, which, by the way, Sixty-Eight Percent say, Yes, you should be worried. You clearly didn't heed the advice given to you before and I doubt you will now.

There are people who are saying your marriage is over. I think it's been over for some time. Your wife has pulled a fast one on you. She claimed one thing, let it sit for a while, and then claimed that she loves him. And now you're lost.

You didn't get into this marriage to be polyamorous, did you? When a marriage goes from one paradigm to another, like monogamous to hotwife, then things need to be negotiated. You clearly didn't do that initial step. And now that your marriage has gone from nonmonogamous to polyamory, you STILL haven't done any negotiating. You have basically let her do whatever she wants while you try to do the emotional work to be okay. But here's the thing, Shaun, you're not okay. You're far from okay.

So here's my bit of advice and it's from one concerned human to another. You need to take concrete steps to get yourself together. Here's what I'd do:

• If you want to stay married, insist on a minimum of one year couple's therapy

• Tell her it is either you or the other man. My guess is, she'll choose the other man.

• Cancel all joint credit cards

• Go the gym and start a new exercise regimen

• Get some professional photos taken for your upcoming dating profile

• Seek legal representation and find out what divorce and separation laws are in your locale

• Go no-contact with your wife. That means no texts, no phone calls, no talking about anything other than household necessities until your first therapy session.

• When (or if) she comes home be ready with a list of things that are going to be done as outlined above.

[coastalkid]

All I can say is I voted for talking to her. Something isn't right here.

[zorro]

Yes, Shaun, things have gone south. Her lover (yes, lover) is playing the alpha male thing, and she seems to like it. He is domming you through her -- controlling your behavior and your choices (or making those choices for you), and he is turning you into a cuck in the way the term is used on this site.
So he is getting both your wife and you for the price of one.

There have been lots of communication issues all around in this relationship. You have not only a right but a duty in a marriage to tell your wife how her behavior affects your feelings. You have just started to do this. You have not voiced any opinions about the relationship as it evolves, so if she is like most women she will feel a loss of attraction for you for not having opinions, preferences, or providing any leadership. There has also been a failure of communication between you and her paramour. I have been in an open relationship that went sour, and I think part of it was because the V was way too wide. There was no forum for the other male and me to talk out our differences and seek mutual solutions.

I don't view her having "feelings, fondness, or being in love" as necessarily bad. I prefer it when R has lots of fondness for her lovers and looks forward to being with them. For one thing, I think having fondness and other positive feelings for a man enhances a woman's sexual pleasure. And that is a good thing.

I think the problem has been your being absent in the negotiations as this relationship has evolved. This doesn't mean "putting your foot down" -- that's just dumb if not disrespectful. But I could see how your wife could be disappointed at some level that you just don't seem to care.

I also think it is a very bad sign that your wife has misled you to the point of probably betraying you. To counter that, after a period of reflection and some time to build her courage, she has voluntarily told you the truth including about things like her having anal sex repeatedly that you would never have known about. So by becoming more honest after lying, she is giving you a chance to improve communication in the relationship if you can rise to the occasion. Yes, you say you are not strong in the communication department, but you have an opportunity to build those skills riight here and now. Your wife has let you down in several ways, but I am not at a point where I can say the marriage is definitively over. She says she loves both of you -- and maybe she does. She comes back to you and overall spends something like half her time with you. But you describe a portentous pattern on her part of submitting to his wishes and not yours. Unless you love being a cuck, that likely won't give you much from this relationship.
My worst fear is that her lover is working her as another fun conquest (and I can understand why in light of your lascivious description of her erotic appeal), that your wife is ready to jump to another passing train but he has not yet said to come aboard. So she may be hedging her bets. I can also envision his taking her from you by making all kinds of promises and then kicking her to the curb when he can't humiliate you or conquer her more.

I think your relationship may endure but is at a critical crossroads. Your wife and you need to both talk seriously about what kind of marriage you both want and how this is going to play out for the future. Then you both need to decide if you want it.

A counselor skilled in polyamorous and alternative relationships could be very helpful. A lot of clearing of the air is needed, and a good therapist can help sniff out what is bullshit and what is genuinely felt.

I am hearing that you are NOT happy with the way things have evolved. And you have to keep asking yourself why you would want to be in a relationship that makes you unhappy, no matter how hot your wife is. No one else can tell you if you should stay in this relationship (well, they can tell you but you don't have to listen to them). And even if your wife wants to stay in it because she likes how it is going, you have the right to decide if you want to stay. Maybe this works for you. And maybe it works for your wife. But I think everyone on this board has heard elements that will make it an unstable resolution point as it stands.

My best wishes for both your wife and you -- and to her lover with the big cock who knows how to use it and the rich toys. But if you don't walk away (or she walks away), you will both have a lot of work to do for this marriage to have any chance of having a good outcome.

[early-kink]

I agree with what these others have said. If you don't get marital help from a counselor familiar with hotwife / polyamorous arrangements RIGHT NOW - she's gone friend. You're waaaaaaaay behind in the communication dept. If what she originally felt for the other guy was NRE - he read her like a book and manipulated her into thinking HIS way. 3 days and 3 nights away with no contact a couple times, and now they both set aside a whole week to be together after you asked her to cut back the time spent together?? It sounds like she's more concerned with pleasing her other guy and not you.

Then take the fact that she told you (lying) that she told him "no" to anal sex. And then, she finally admitted to you that she's allowed him to make love to her anally - many times - but won't allow you that same pleasure. And another HUGE red flag - she won't allow you to cum in her mouth from a blowjob - but willingly wants to suck his cock and have her lover explode in her mouth at any time. Now she wants you to wear condoms when - and if - she has sex with you ........but her lover can have her bare-back from now on. Does any of that sound like a positive on your end??????

As other have said here - it's time to act - and I mean RIGHT NOW !!!! You need to have a "clear the air" conversation with your wife, and insist on marital couples therapy with a counselor who specializes in hotwife / polyamorous marriages. If you want to save your marriage - which may already be doomed - you need to get a move on NOW.

I wish you and your wife the best and hope you two can work it all out so you're both happy.

[FNQLivin]

I just feel so sad for you right now.

As for the condoms rule, it's her body and she can do with it what she wants. You however have the choice to do what you want and move on. She certainly looks like she has.

As I said, genuinely sad for you.

[afagehi7]

Like I said earlier, he's the perfect storm. Money, looks, cock, sexual ability. She's his if he wants her. You're probably just her backup plan at this point. She'll do the absolute minimum to keep you from leaving. Once she's secure in her relationship with him she won't need or want the security you provide.

Once he has to deal with her bullshit on a day to day basis and it's not all fun and games anymore... Will he keep her? That's what she's waiting to find out.

Just my opinion. No matter what you decide, pay for a good lawyer consultation. Know your options and how you would have to approach a divorce for maximum odds on your favor. You don't have to divorce her now... Just know what your options are. Pay cash so she doesn't see anything on a CC statement.

Sorry man. If you move on you'll find a better woman who cared about you. Eventually mr. Adonis will tire of her and kick her to the curb. If he's really all that then he can go to new women once the fun wears off.

[tojanman]

I agree with all the guys above me. You’re no longer the husband I this situation. You’ve lost her to him. It happened when she betrayed your boundaries and lied to you and was cemented when your right to cum in your wife was revoked BY THE BOYFRIEND.

I’m sad and upset for you. The ultimate test to see if you’ve lost her is to now try and use your veto. See if she respects your needs. That’ll let you know where you truly stand in this relationship hierarchy. Stay strong man.