Wonderful Life With My Gorgeous Hotwife (revisited)

[Trickydicky69]

I can’t imagine Sherrie complaining to the police about the slap. She knew she was asking for it, provoking John deliberately to get a reaction.
Either to prove he did still care enough or because she is addicted to the pain.
And if John had to defend himself legally, the whole deck of cards would come down- her extreme bdsm with Geoff brought into the open. John explaining about all the whip marks were from her Dom…

[JeffBingham]

Ending her marriage I think is just, to him, the next step in his control over her. Maybe that's what happens now. She chooses Geoff and their relationship based purely on domination and submission and not love and mutual respect, gradually fizzles out over the next 18 months/2 years and John, who has proved throughout that he loves Sherrie above anything else, waits for her.

I can't speak to Geoff's intent, but we know from the timeframes that John has given us that there's at least another 18 months+ of the Sherrie/Geoff relationship. This seems to suggest to me that Sherrie is going to go back to Geoff in some way, shape, or form. I'm looking forward to reading what that looks like in the amount of time she spends with him, and the intensity of it all. It could be anything from her moving in with Geoff, to just occasional visits, diminishing in frequency over time. It's also possible that John and Sherrie "reconcile" rather quickly, with Sherrie picking up where she left off (personally, I find this the least likely scenario).

FWIW, you can count me firmly in the camp of feeling that Sherrie's response to John's boorish remark was wildly disproportionate to the offense. This strongly suggests that it was building for a long time, all while falling emotionally deeper toward Geoff and away from John.

[Trickydicky69]

The wait is killing me John!!

[PaNic]

I’d just like to second (or third, fourth...) the acknowledgement of how openly John is sharing his vulnerability here. I’m feeling uneasy that we’re all jumping on his story with our judgments etc: John, I hope you’re ok with all of this?

And not just because I hope you continue the story soon!

[Trickydicky69]

I certainly hope he sees these comments in a positive light. It’s been his life and can’t be changed but time does give a different perspective (even if it’s still emotionally difficult at times).
And we’ve all been given the same information yet don’t always see it in the same way.
Which if you’re actually living the life in real time, demonstrates how impossible it is to know what the right path is.
There’s always regret when something turns out badly and hopefully John will tell us what he would change if he could tell his younger self.

[butthurt]

Thank you John for your skilled storytelling. I have been meaning to comment for a while but it is not something I usually do. First thing I wondered why no-one commented on the situation where Sherrie said
"but I had the panic alarm I that’s always close by me when I’m gagged, so I pushed the button for the first time ever."
And Geoff instead of stopping things and releasing Sherrie instead catheterized her.
On the comment that derailed the train, I'm sure if it was a comment from Geoff, Sherrie would have been suitably cowed and accepted whatever punishment was due.
A final note, I am not entirely sure what Geoff meant in his demand that Sherrie choose between him and John. I am sure that as his and Sherrie's affair continued that he has put a lot of thought into every situation and escalation that he has provided, it does seem like he slipped up in his estimation of his dominance over her, or perhaps not.
On the addiction metaphors Sid and Nancy springs to my mind

[Trickydicky69]

I’m assuming that she pushes the alarm because of her full bladder and this gives Geoff the reason to humiliate by catheterisation which obviously he intended to achieve. Don’t forget she’s the one craving this, if he wasn’t the Dom he is and she craves, this story wouldn’t have been written.
Do you mean because she hadn’t actually consented to it?

I agree, it’s unclear whether Geoff is serious about her choosing him or just trying to destroy her marriage.
But maybe it’s significant that he sends her away. Either because he Doesn’t want her full time!
Or just to screw her mind further so she goes begging back (and fully realising she will be submitting Very fully if she does)…

A sudden thought about Geoff - I had mentioned he was her BDSM dealer but could he also have been pushing drugs on her too? It’s a common tactic to enslave people.
I bet Sherrie wouldn’t mention that to John! And she is expanding her mind…
Livinginsin has given us a list of withdrawal signs but sort of only from the BDSM perspective but of course, this list applies to drugs especially.
It would explain this massive mood swing and John reporting how mellow she seemed to be after her sessions. And how angsty she becomes before the next. And how she stops caring about John, the business etc and fixated on Geoff. All in that list.

So as dark times, we might even have to throw actual drug withdrawal in there too, as well BDSM. And marriage collapse, business collapse, rehab etc.

Crikey, it could get worse!
Incredible how they’ve survived it.
Unlike Sid and Nancy.

Just to point out, this is all supposition as we don’t yet know the truth but it hasn’t really been mentioned and John does keep repeating “dark times”. We’re all thinking cuckolding but other events can cause that.

Thanks again to John for your astounding writing.

[KarrieKraves]

S: Can’t you see? It’s so fundamental. I don’t know who I am anymore. Can you understand that much? Am I this 21st century ready, strong, free, assertive woman I’ve been in the past? Or was I just winging it all my life? Am I actually this submissive dependent little female desperate for some macho caveman to dominate her and have his way with her at his every convenience like you just accused me of being? I thought I knew the answer without doubt until the macho caveman dumped me last week. While I had both polar opposites in my life it wasn’t an issue I needed to settle. I could enjoy both. Now I’m face to face with losing the little submissive woman side of me, and I’m in total shock at how much it’s affecting me. I thought it was just a sado-masochistic sex fetish I was having fun with, but it runs through me much deeper. I think he really brought that home to me last week after you being such a shit to me when I got back from America. Things he did and said to me that night really played with my head and made me confront things I never considered before. I fell totally into the role without thinking of you as my safety net for the very first time. It was actually scary the things I got to thinking. So since he threw me out, it feels like I lost a big part of who I am. A part that I now know I need badly, and not just sexually. It’s devastating; ripping me apart. So obviously it follows that I’m not who I thought I was. Perhaps Geoff was right about me from the start. Or like you just said, I’m ready to open my legs for any alpha stud who happens to point his dick at me. Maybe I’m really the sort of woman I’ve always despised and I’ve been denying my true nature all these years, like the night with Damien way back. Maybe the Sherrie you loved isn’t really me. Maybe your Sherrie doesn’t even exist, and on top of all that you’ve been a total arsehole to me so why should I fight for her? Does that give you at least a taste of my shattered mind right now? Of what I’m trying to make sense of? I’m sitting all alone crying on a heap of rubble that used to be Sherrie Jasson, and I have nobody I can trust to turn to for help!

I think he really brought that home to me last week after you being such a shit to me when I got back from America. Things he did and said to me that night really played with my head and made me confront things I never considered before. I fell totally into the role without thinking of you as my safety net for the very first time.

The entire paragraph this quote was taken from, the one where Sherrie attempts to give you perspective on how she is feeling and what she is attempting to process right then and throughout that last weekend after Geoff had thrown her out, is extremely powerful, filled with much insight, and quite literally forms the core for this entire story after the extensive buildup of the last several segments. A thumbnail if you will into Sherrie’s exact state of mind and the issues before her.
I’m curious in terms about the discussion that went on between Geoff and Sherrie on the night she went and “spilled her guts” to him after you had made the ill-advised comment to her. I’m hoping readers will get an explanation of what exactly Geoff said to Sherrie that “really played with my head” and exactly what things he made her “confront that I had never considered before” If further explanation will be provided during upcoming segments than great….I will wait looking forward to reading. If not and you know basically what him and her did discuss could you please share a bit more detail now.
Also what is your interpretation of Sherrie telling you “I fell totally into the role without thinking of you as my safety net for the very first time” How was this different than when she fell into roll with Geoff (as his submissive I’m assuming) when she was thinking of you as her safety net??

[Trickydicky69]

Absolutely Karrie, you get the feeling that there is a lot of stuff going on inside her head - some of it self exploration but some of it placed there by Geoff. And it’s not real - as in it seems real to her but in fact doesn’t relate to the reality.
Geoff has probably been feeding her lines of “he just gets off on pimping you out, he’s letting you see me because he wants other women, he’s just using you for the business, only concerned about money, not like me, your ever supporting Geoff etc”

Johns love is twisted to be something else. And if that is true, I’d want to give Geoff a bloody good hiding so that he never tries to be a Dom again!

[john jasson]

This is a post comprising a summary of replies to comments. In view of its length, I am italicising it to distinguish it from a chapter of the story.
---------



Cor Blimey! It’s getting a bit traumatised in here isn’t it, chaps? I’m staggered reading some of these. I think I will work through them and pick out points that seem to demand a response rather than make individual replies to all of them here because there is a lot of speculation which will resolve anyway as things move forward. As before, I’m answering from my viewpoint at this stage in the proceedings only. Thanks again for the volume of comments and the thought that has gone into them. They’re always welcome whether I agree with them or not, so long as you in turn don’t object to my disagreement!


It’s been suggested a number of times that “she didn’t tell me everything”. Difficult to convey this nuance but she told she told me everything I needed to know for me to believe she wasn’t having a secret life with him, if that makes sense. Things she kept back fell into 2 categories. She was either too ashamed to tell me for a while (these tended to come out eventually anyway when she either plucked up the courage or I found out before she plucked up courage), or she withheld things to push my buttons in a “wouldn’t you like to know” kind of way while playing with my dick in her wonderful way. It’s all to do with our closeness and trust.


I always thought she was struggling through this period rather than being gratuitously horrible, and yes, it crossed my mind once or twice that she might be losing hers after the balloon went up.


“Consequences of both our actions”. Indeed, I couldn’t agree more, and I said as much to her, as I’ve written. I think I’ve repeated to the point of exhaustion that we considered our oneness to be such that we could play with this and not suffer those consequences. Well, we’ve reached a point we believed we’d never get near to.


“At this point, it’s hard to be sympathetic to her - she’s been harshly cruel and belittling of you and simply talking bollocks blaming you.” I didn’t think she was being harshly cruel in the cold light of day. I knew she was suffering and I simply couldn’t reach her. She threw out a blitz of anger, including some verbal bollocks, that masked a mountain of hurt. Clearly there was this internal conflict going on as she herself described to me, but I never believed at any point she actually stopped loving me, and of course I never stopped loving her. I came out with a fair amount of verbal bollocks of my own in my consternation, and it’s true to say that I couldn’t see past the impasse we’d reached at this juncture.


The resentment boiling up out of nowhere, like a storm out of a clear blue sky, was the shaker. It made me angry with her, and that wasn’t a good place to be either in my own mind, because I’d never been there before, or in terms of trying to build a bridge to her. Our unsullied romance was absolutely real, I assure you. I know it seems hard to believe, but we saw ourselves as an unbreakable team. Us versus the world right from the start. I also know that such a mutually obsessed existence between two people wouldn’t suit everyone, and the sugary descriptions of us in our love nest would make some observers puke. I might even have been one of them before I met Sher and she cast her magical spell over me. I described at the outset how “one” we were, and far from exaggerating that, I struggle to do the intensity of our love justice in words. Any niggles we had previously to this particular week were very minor, very silly, and we never went to sleep on them which was a hard rule. What disagreements we had tended to be one of us being over considerate to the other to the point of “For God’s sake, I’m fine!” Invariably, niggles such as this ended in a laugh, a hug, a kiss, and often a whole lot more depending on how much time we had. Teenage relationships that both of us had with others prior to our meeting were nothing like as all consuming, and this was why we very quickly knew that our bond was different and very special. You are correct in saying that this background made the seemingly existential schism all the more difficult to deal with when the blow fell.


If Geoff was manipulating her in the sense of inveigling himself into her affections in order to replace me before this eruption, she definitely wasn’t aware of it. She’d have told me without doubt. I struggle with having the description “cuckold” attributed to myself. I appreciate that it is factual under the biblical and dictionary definitions, but it shouts out to me as being some kind of limp, retiring, unassertive guy in the world outside who can’t fuck his wife decently, is henpecked by her at home and sucks her lover’s dick then licks her out after he’s done with her, cleans the house while they’re out, then cooks them a meal when they get back! That’s certainly not me, thank you very much! But hey, it’s just a word. As for Sherrie and I, I reckon we are always equals and mutually respectful of each other. I am not her doormat, nor would she want me to be. Everything we do, we go into with our eyes open, as partners. Obviously, we cannot control events, and sometimes a train comes off the track…..


Why would I make her crawl through a field of broken glass? I love the bones of the woman, and I can see she’s in a bad place – through a situation we created together. I want to comfort and protect her if she'll let me. I don’t think the retribution stance is being strong at all, or even smart, particularly with the person I profess to love more than anything in life. I’m happy to be big enough not to need that, for sure.


The “John makes one thoughtless remark” angle has been raised several times, and I’ve tried to defend Sherrie by stressing the backdrop. We’ve never been inconsiderate of each other before to any degree, she’s travelled halfway around the world for our mutual benefit, and she’s tired and emotional. It’s been tough, but notwithstanding this, she’s full of the success she feels she’s achieved for us. She calls me expecting me to share her joy and triumph and, well, I said what I said, and she’s shocked to her foundations. This just never happens. I don’t blame her for the reaction, but as you know, other stuff is going on in the wings. Business, financial pressures, Geoff……


I can certainly subscribe to this: “Jeez lads! Now Sherrie is coming in for the harsh judgement, a little empathic understanding wouldn’t go amiss: They have been dabbling in the depths of their psyches, exploring real self abnegation and now her sense of self is erupting furiously, a few days of ranting and spewing angrily seems very understandable to me.” At least “just a few days” is what I was hoping for!


I also concur with the observation that she was scared in a big way. She didn’t know which way to turn, it seemed to me. The fact that she would see the business as unimportant too when she had given it her all was just not her at all. It was very odd and worrying. Even if she really was through with me, which made no sense given the background, surely she would want some value from the business. It didn’t add up. She’s always so level headed.


There is an enquiry about the effect of Sherrie’s absence on the business. The answer in the immediate is serious and in the fairly near future, terminal, but this obviously has to be covered in the narrative, so I will delve no further. As to her frame of mind in relation to the business at this point in the proceedings, I can only repeat her words, “You’ll have to run the business as best you can”, so in her pain, I didn’t think she had thought it through at all. Nor did I think she had given any thought to what different scenario would play out were I to leave our home rather than her, and the fact that she didn’t bring this up to me during the fraught exchange would attest to this theory. Very short answer to the entire subject of the business: Her mind was elsewhere. I did think to myself immediately after she walked out that if I’d moved out I could have stayed locally which might have been a better situation, but by then it was academic. She’d gone.


The analogy to an addiction to drugs is fascinating. As to any suggestion that Geoff actually plied her with substances (other than very occasionally, alcohol), I’m quite sure he did not. Sherrie is absolutely uncompromising on drug abuse. I know it could be suggested that Geoff might coerce her, but he was anti too. Additionally, he wanted her as a clean prize athlete.


“Incidentally, addiction differs from NRE or romantic infatuation, which generally fades after a year or two, or the gradual decrease in desire over the first 10 years of a marriage by a good proportion of women. In contrast, an addiction can last indefinitely.” Maybe Sherrie’s addicted to me as well as married to me then?


Sherrie never “assuaged her guilt” by pushing me to other women. It wasn’t a selfish gesture. When I broached the idea of her arranging her sex life on her own terms as a single woman would she insisted that I have the same freedom. It was an act of love well before the Geoff thing got going. I think this also speaks to our view of each other as equals, and my unconditional love towards Sherrie is entirely reciprocated by her. I don’t perceive these “indignities” she has visited upon me. Until this interlude which thus far has lasted a matter of days, everything we did was for our mutual pleasure. There was no impulse or desire to say “enough is enough”.


Sherrie’s mum has been invoked too. I won’t say any more than she was always a big fan of mine and a great supporter of our very intense relationship.


Butthurt’s point on the BDSM alarm button is valid. (I take it from the name that you have firsthand BDSM experience!) Yes, you are right. Although neither Sherrie nor I have been involved in a wider social BDSM scene, Geoff was normally a stickler for rules, and I guess this is a hard rule in BDSM circles. I believe the chronology was she was busting to pee, but restrained, gagged, and in danger of wetting herself in situ. She pushed the button, he immediately enquired as to the problem and she made it clear she needed to pee. He sorted that out for her (in his own way), then removed her gag and carried on. I guess she would say (in her orgasmic state) that “he read the room”. That night was one of her most out there surrendered sessions with him of all time, so she would definitely have been disappointed in the aftermath if he’d called a halt. She always felt “as safe with him as I do with you”. I never found that to be something I particularly wanted to hear in a relationship sense, but it was the truth of how she felt, and her total security in his hands allowed her to enjoy some of the most abandoned, crazy times in her life. It also gave me confidence that he always looked after her welfare as a bottom line.


Oh, by the way, thanks for the Syd and Nancy analogy. I think!!


As for “what would I change”, Tricky, well on the basis of “what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger”, I wouldn’t change a thing. Remember, our lives together have been filled with love, laughter, mutual caring, achievement, sheer joy of living and tumultuous sexual excitement, far in excess of the downsides I’m reliving here right now. You can bet there will come a time later on when I will try to get into Sherrie’s head during all of this. For now, I just want her back how she should be rather than running away from reality.


And I think that will do for now. I’m sorry if I didn’t get to your particular point, but I am trying to skip over the reaching and speculation at this stage, enthralling though it most certainly is. I enjoyed reading through, but there is a good deal of catastrophising going on, to the extent that the actual events will likely pale into disappointing mundanity by comparison! Please take care of your blood pressure folks!

[RetiredSnowbird]

I would have thought that, at this point in your relationship, with both your marriage and business being very shaky, one of you would have suggested marriage counselling. There are probably quite a few counsellors in the UK who are very open minded about alternative arrangements in a marriage. Did the thought even come up?

[Trickydicky69]

Thanks for the long response John. You’ve both come through it and it was your experience, not ours.
Having said that,I suppose we’re all getting catastrophic because we can see alarm bells and red flags.
You were armoured with your belief in your mutual love, which we readers have no doubt.
However, this last post almost felt like real time - over a few days, unlike the condensed 4 years.
But we feel that Sherrie was getting distant from you:
She felt she didn’t need your safety net
At times she spent more time with Geoff than you
Her outburst of anger and certainly sounding like she wanted a marriage time out
You yourself said you couldn’t reach her and felt angry.
Making her walk on glass to punish her might be harsh but I can’t see that she doesn’t owe an apology if only to acknowledge that she really went out there and indulged herself in your faith in her. That’s between yourselves though- I know I would need to have it though.

I think you were a bit too understanding and ready to forgive. You weren’t wrong though, your way prevailed after all. You love her and have a philosophical view of it. But despite your prostetations, you did find it traumatic too. Perhaps some of that could have been avoided? If you hadn’t reconciled, perhaps your view might now be like ours.

We’ll hear more and perhaps more about what Sherrie was thinking.
That’s fascinating because as you noted, even you thought she was losing the plot so how does sweet Sherrie before becomes submissive Sherrie, then confused/evil Sherrie and who after? And how does she see this period? Like it happened to someone else that she doesn’t recognise? Or now owns it and gives you that shit eating grin!

Anyway, this is one of the most important threads on the site. It’s definitely playing with fire and people need to be aware of what can go wrong, even if it does work out eventually.

[PaNic]

Phew: Great to hear some sensible words from the the horse’s mouth after all our anxious babbles. You have your head on your shoulders. Though of all possible descriptions of your life together “disappointing mundanity” will never be one!
I think some of our scepticism about the pure love between Sherrie and yourself might just be envy
On with the story, please do

[Trickydicky69]

We definitely won’t be disappointed!
I’m very glad it doesn’t turn out as bad as our catastrophising: just playing around with alternative universes…
Bad enough to be a salutary lesson though.

I can see that you’re nudging us though to believe Geoff isn’t all bad - Sherrie was always physically safe, we’re not believing at the moment, that he kept her mentally safe.
No doubt how he behaves going forward will have some bearing…

You’ve confirmed that the business takes a hit which did seem likely.

Marriage counselling has been suggested but the last events have only occurred over a few days and before her trip to the USA, all was still rosey.
And too soon for counselling anyway- Sherrie has run off! You need both spouses to be involved!
Besides, at this stage, it’s Sherrie who needs solo counselling- she’s in a poor mental state and needs building back up again before realistically she can work on marriage issues.

[Johng1953]

I can see that you’re nudging us though to believe Geoff isn’t all bad - Sherrie was always physically safe, we’re not believing at the moment, that he kept her mentally safe.
No doubt how he behaves going forward will have some bearing…

I'm not believing he wanted to keep your marriage safe either. Just the opposite in fact.

[blooit1]

I’m a bit late to this thread. Not sure how I missed it earlier, but found it a little while back and have binge read it over the last few weeks. I’ve taken a few days to digest what I’ve read and after some reflection, I’ve felt compelled to pass comment.
So, a bit of transparency upfront. I am an experienced dominant, who has been in a D/S relationship for more than 20 years. My submissive is my life partner and she is very, very similar to S and our activities are almost identical, with the exception of enforced diet and the use of a catheter. My kink and experiences have given me a perspective that I believe may provide some differing insights to those already expressed.

The comments I make following are my personal interpretation of what I have read up thread.

S
Clearly S is a highly intelligent woman, who is able to think logically and express her feelings in clear, coherent way. However, there is also another facet of her, that indicates she is a submissive and masochist. As such she craves pain and suffering and whilst she gets her highs from the physical side of her relationship with G through the beatings and the bondage; she also needs and gets the humiliation and shame at a mental level. I believe this emotional reaction is likely to be far more powerful than the physical and it is this craving that has driven her to where she is right now. I think the depth of her submission is exactly where she needs and wants to be and she has “allowed” G to take her there! (I’m not sure if “allowed” is the right word in this context, but it’s the best I can come up with.) I’d expect that she has, either implicitly or explicitly indicated to G that she needed to go deeper and her limits needed to be pushed; he has merely facilitated that. Remember, the ultimate power in a D/S relationship resides with sub. They can refuse consent to their dominant and take back whatever power or control they had granted.
D/S relationships in my experience do not maintain status quo, but rather are continually changing with some activities being dropped and others added. I suspect we are close to see some changes coming soon.
It is also worth thinking a little bit more about the humiliation and shame aspect. S experiences this in real time and gets off on it, but she also has a second bite at the cherry when she comes home to J and proceeds to tell him how she has allowed G to humiliate and use her. It may well be that she gets more satisfaction of this retelling to J than she does at the actual time with G. I wonder if she was the one who brought up the idea of retelling when she and J were figuring out how they could make this work?

G
Poor G has come in for a fair bit of criticism lately. IMO this is not justified. I believe like any experienced dominant he has listened to his sub and has provided her with the opportunities to satisfy her cravings. Think of it as enabling a sub to reach their desired depth of submission.
It has come through repeatedly in J’s posts that G is always very mindful of S’s welfare. This is another sign that he knows exactly what he is doing. I can only speculate what he wants to achieve from the ultimatum he gave S, but I doubt it is his intention to break up a marriage! It’s much more likely he is providing another opportunity to S to decide if she wants to go further in her journey and be less influenced by J. No doubt we’ll find out in the fullness of time. Perhaps the only negative comment that can be levelled at G was how he reacted when S used the panic button. I certainly, wouldn’t have behaved like him and would have called an immediate stop. Having said that, S didn’t come across as being concerned and appears to be very happy with initial and ongoing use of catheters.

J
Again, he is clearly a highly intelligent person. However, I strongly suspect that J has a submissive and masochistic streak in him, but nowhere near the levels of S. He appears to get off on being denied or edged by S as she recounts what she has been up to with G. He talks about the angst he suffers when he is on the road. I’d suggest that a better word might be humiliation?? Perhaps it’s the encouragement that he has given S, that has allowed her to move further into her submission to G??

Please be assured none of the above is intended to be judgemental in any way! My understanding is that all three have fully consented to their part in this relationship and my hats off to them for living their lives as they wish.

I’d be really interested to hear what J may think of my insights, perhaps he’d care to respond orpm me?? But in any case I look forward to reading further updates from him.

One final point for J. I really did not like his style of narration to begin with. I found it choppy and difficult to follow. However, as I read on, I realised that I was enjoying reading it. The conversation sections almost feel as if I am listening to them, whilst the rest of the narrative not only sets context, but also provides great detail and insight to how he and S are thinking and feeling.

[john jasson]

I'll come back to the comments later. We should make a little more progress:

____________________________________________________________________


Coping with work and putting on a brave face of normality in the office was beyond excruciating with my guts in a knot all day. I didn’t do much and probably made a hash of anything I attempted. Late the same night I’ve heard nothing. She hasn’t taken her car. She left in a taxi, and I don’t even know how she’s getting to Southern England. Train? Coach? Hitch hiking? Or was she even going there? Fuck! Is she just down the road with him? I’ve no idea. My trust in her endures, but does her customary balanced state of mind? I send a text.

J: Have u arrived OK?

Twenty minutes of pacing the floor and brewing up (for two, in error) later:

S: Yes.

I resist the temptation to ask why the fuck she didn’t tell me earlier and save me fretting all evening. I know the answer anyway. She doesn’t care. Or maybe in her highly strung state she wants to make me suffer like she believes I made her.

J: Good. Love u. Give my love to Diane.

S: Stop it!

Diane’s her mum. Another Diane. Not my old girlfriend Diane whom I went to bed with in the wake of her marriage broke down! Now there’s a bizarre notion. I wonder if her mum was as sex crazed as Sherrie, or maybe still is. Very peculiar thoughts haunt my ravaged brain.

This just isn’t my Sher at all. She’s turned on me 180 degrees. It’s unreal. I’m convincing myself more and more that she’s ill, but then I think I’m just deflecting my own responsibility for my enthusiasm in cheering her on to play away.

At least she’s with her mum now who will look after her, and that’s a slight comfort because her welfare is paramount. Her mum has always doted on her just as much as her dad does. Come to think about it, her mum always doted on me too.

From the word go, when I was taken to their house for the first time to be introduced to the family that became my future in-laws, Diane was my fan from day one. Unbeknown to me at the time, I was just the latest in a long line of spotty, salivating, hopeful bags of male hormones that had been sniffing around Sherrie almost since the day she hit puberty. Her mum saw something different in me that she liked, and she was always a great cheerleader for our extraordinarily intense relationship. I remember being so touched when she told me with a tear in her eye that we were a match made in heaven, and that she knew I would look after Sherrie for ever. That’s a big thing to say to a young stranger who walked through your door without ceremony one day and is suddenly monopolising your precious youngest daughter. It stuck with me, and I swore I’d live up to her trust. Well, I still want to but it requires Sherrie’s co-operation, and now I seem to have carelessly mislaid it.

I’m actually still very angry at her and surprised, no, shocked, at her uncharacteristic frailty in running away from the situation. But my anger is tinged with an awful regret. Her furious words from last night echo around my mind. “You got me into this fucking situation.” Well it’s true isn’t it? If I hadn’t encouraged her to indulge her highly developed sexual appetite, she would never have been messing around with adultery, BDSM and total submission of herself to Geoff, and it wouldn’t have led us here. I know for sure she would never have cheated. We’d be climbing into bed together, and I’d be making love to her tonight, no doubt about it. That much is on me, I know, but we did all of it together for our mutual pleasure. Plotted it with huge enthusiasm and wild excitement right down the line, right up until now. She always acknowledged the fact and how lucky she was to have her cake and eat it. Now and then, in our most loving moments she’d blush her guilt after reliving her latest depravity with me, and ask me tenderly if it was really still all right. My answer was always the same, that it was her call, and her gratitude never wavered.

The next day and the day after, I hear nothing at all from her. It’s difficult to translate into words the heart wrenching emotions that flow through me at losing all contact with my reason for living. It literally is torture, for she is half of me, and we don’t function without each other. At the start of last week everything was perfect. OK, we had the business problems multiplying, but between us, together, we always knew we could face anything. Overcome any difficulty, and find a way through. But apart? Estranged, and at daggers drawn? That’s a different matter altogether. Particularly when I didn’t even know we had a problem in our relationship, and I don’t have the first inkling of how to repair the damage. It’s a sudden and shocking bereavement. The thought that she might be with him keeps coming back to me. She wouldn’t go there and not tell me. She wouldn’t do that. Would she? I think about staking out his farm and watching for any sign of her. Then I dismiss the idea. If I see him instead, I might just have to kill him.

On the Friday, a text out of the blue:

S: Moved out of Mum’s this morning. She’s driving me nuts.

J: How so?

S: She keeps telling me whatever is wrong I need to go home and sort it out with u.

Oh well. That’s honesty from her at least. Diane, my heroine, as ever.

J: So are u?

S: No. I’ve rented a cottage.

S: Just a week, initially. There’s an option for another six months. I’m looking at jobs to pay my way. I need to be alone. It’s the only way. I told u. Don’t hassle me. Please! My head is a complete mess. I have to sort myself out.

Well that resolves one thing. She told the truth about going home and isn’t with him, but maybe this is even more worrying. At least with him she’d be safe. She’s now on her own in an odd frame of mind. She doesn’t want me to contact her, and it might be for months, or for ever. And looking at jobs? Wtf! She has her own business here that is in dire need of her. I think to myself what a bloody weird way this would be to end something so special. Then I banish the thought. I’ll never give up on her. For now, I need to know exactly where she is. I have an idea.

J: I have ur forms from the bank. What’s the address of the cottage?

S: (Gives me the address.) It’s on the outskirts of our old home town.

J: OK. I’ll post them tomorrow.

S: Thanks.

J: Make sure u eat!

S: FFS I won’t starve!!! My mother’s been force feeding me all week. I smoked 5 cigarettes today.

J: You’ve never smoked in ur life!

S: I do now. Things change. People change. I changed. Or maybe I just revealed my true self.

J: Jesus. What’s happening to us? I Love you.

S: Don’t. I don’t deserve your love. I’m a terrible person. I warned you when we met. I warned you, John. I told you not to get involved with someone who destroys everyone she loves, but you took no fucking notice. PLEASE do yourself a favour and leave me ALONE.

J: YOU ARE NOT A TERRIBLE PERSON. YOU ARE WONDERFUL AND I WILL NEVER EVER LEAVE YOU ALONE!!! I LOVE YOU AND I NEED YOU!!


Christ. Smoking? She abhors smoking. And imagine her remembering a conversation we had when we were 19 years old at a time like this. I assume she means the time when she told me she enjoys hurting those she loves. Well she’s wrong because she doesn’t seem to be enjoying this.

I don’t know what to make of the text exchange. At least it’s contact of sorts. Before she left she made me feel like it was me that didn’t deserve her love, and it was as though she was blaming me for everything bad in the world. Now she seems to be turning the blame in on herself, but I’m concerned about her self-harming with cigarettes, and I fear what might follow. After making that final shouty text declaration I decide, with much anxiety, to give her space and refrain from further texting.

Getting up the following day, I wonder whether I should send her the bank forms. I don’t want her to do what she’s proposing, but in the end I do send them because I don’t feel comfortable to have duped her just to find out her address. Whether I like it or not, what she does is up to her, and that goes for opening a single bank account and smoking cigarettes as much as it does for dumping me if that’s what she plans to do.

The week at work is bad enough. There seems to be a buzz among the staff that something is wrong. I’m obviously not on anything like top form and Sherrie, usually the vivacious dynamo energising the outfit, is missing completely. Maybe I’m paranoid, but I sense them putting the two things together and drawing their own conclusions. I just tell them each day that she still isn’t well, and it’s maybe something really nasty she picked up on the trip abroad, possibly on the long flight home.

Alone with my thoughts, the nights are harder to get through and the weekend, if anything, is even worse. Early Saturday morning, I contemplate driving down to her address and confronting her. How would that end any better than our conversations before she went though? I debate it with myself, change my mind time and again, but I finally decide there’s no point. If she’s coming back, she needs to make the choice. I can’t drag her home kicking and screaming. There’s a backlog of work to catch up on in the office, and for a dutiful moment I consider going in and setting to, sorting out a load of bills that have come in and not even been opened. Then I think ‘fuck that’. I’m depressed enough!

I don my walking boots instead, and stride out on another of our favourite hikes in the country. This one’s a full marathon length and it takes me most of the daylight hours. Sadly, I observe the wildlife that always enchants Sherrie so much, and I stop at all of her favourite viewing points along the way. I’m sensing that the few other walkers I encounter in the wilderness are looking at me questioningly, as though even strangers are wondering where she is. It’s eerie and disconcerting. I rest for a while on the big rock by the wooden gate that she always perches her perfect little bum on, the wind tousling her hair as she grins down at me. Invariably she’ll be waiting for me to catch up, after running on effortlessly ahead of me up the steep hill. It’s crazily poignant and very upsetting to be here alone. There’s no kiss at the end of the hard climb for me today. No arms clinging around me like she’ll never let me go. There’s just the solitude and the wind making my eyes water, or at least I tell myself it’s the wind. Every mile I trudge just reminds me of my lovely girl and the mean fact that right now she isn’t my lovely girl and doesn’t want to be. The Indian summer of the early month appears to be over. The innocuous breeze of the walk I did with a very sullen Sherrie last Sunday has been replaced by a stiff cold wind from the North. It’s perfect weather for walking though. The sun shines brightly in a clear blue sky, but for me it’s a terrible day.

My expedition serves its purpose. I get myself exhausted enough to catch some sleep. I haven’t had more than a couple of hours any night since Geoff finished with Sherrie and she abandoned our bed more than a week ago. I manage five hours in the land of Nod.

Sunday, I’m almost brain dead knackered, so I get pissed on her favourite wine – like it or not, my life is still all about her - and some whisky while morosely listening to all of the songs in our collection that chronicle our love story. There are plenty of them, but I hammer two tracks in particular over and over and over again:

“Pure” by The Lightning Seeds (Writer: Ian Broudie. Publisher: Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd.) came out as we met. It was fresh and new, just as we were. Those first few enchanting weeks, we danced to it endlessly. Just two lovestruck teenagers wrapped up in, wrapped around, and draped all over each other in the cool late night club where we first got together. The place was always crowded to bursting with hordes of youngsters enjoying themselves, but there was only ever her and me there, just as it seemed on the night it all started. We were convinced this song was written for us; it’s so beautiful, as is our bond, and we immediately adopted it on first hearing as our eternal love anthem. We had soon memorised all of the words, and we would softly sing alternate lines to each other between snogs and very advanced cuddling among the trees under the moonlight as we made our way, hand in hand, through the deserted woods whenever I walked her home in the early hours. Picture the moonglow, that dazzles my eyes. And I love you. Never before had a half mile walk taken me two such delicious hours. The stars shone brightly above, peeping their radiance through the treetops, especially for us. Look at me with starry eyes. Pure and Simple was our love. Pure and Simple just for you - and our joy in each other. No complications. Never a doubt.

Just as sitting on Sherrie’s boulder at the top of the hill overcame me with grief while out walking solo yesterday, listening to “Pure” alone indoors today makes me cry helplessly. Years on, it’s still so perfectly us, still so affecting, and so enduringly beautiful that it breaks my heart. I do the only thing I can think of. I play it again, and again, and then I play it some more to anaesthetise myself from this awful day and transport my mind back to ethereal visions of those blissful times of her and me in our salad days:

“Night time slows, raindrops splash rainbows
Perhaps someone you know, could sparkle and shine
As daydreams slide to color from shadow
Picture the moonglow, that dazzles my eyes
And I love you

Just lying smiling in the dark
Shooting stars around your heart
Dreams come bouncing in your head
Pure and simple everytime
Now you're crying in your sleep
I wish you'd never learnt to weep
Don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
Pure and simple everytime
Dreams of sights, of sleigh rides in seasons
Where feelings not reasons, can make you decide
As leaves pour down, splash autumn on gardens
As colder nights harden, their moonlit delights
And I love you

Just lying smiling in the dark
Shooting stars around your heart
Dreams come bouncing in your head
Pure and simple every time
Now you're crying in your sleep
I wish you'd never learnt to weep
Don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
Pure and simple every time

Look at me with starry eyes
Push me up to starry skies
There's stardust in my head
Pure and simple every time
Fresh and deep as oceans new
Shiver at the sight of you
I'll sing a softer tune
Pure and simple over you

If love's the truth then look no lies
And let me swim around your eyes
I've found a place I'll never leave
Shut my mouth and just believe
Love is the truth I realise
Not a stream of pretty lies
To use us up and waste our time

Lying smiling in the dark
Shooting stars around your heart
Dreams come bouncing in your head
Pure and simple every time
Now you're crying in your sleep
I wish you'd never learnt to weep
Don't sell the dreams you should be keeping
Pure and simple every time

Look at me with starry eyes
Push me up to starry skies
There's stardust in my head
Pure and simple every time
Fresh and deep as oceans new
Shiver at the sight of you
I'll sing a softer tune
Pure and simple over you
Pure and simple just for you.”

Headphones on, eyes shut, volume and bass to the max, and I’m back on that nightclub dance floor long ago, just swaying gently, lifted up metaphorically to starry skies once more with my lovely young Sherrie. We do truly just believe. Our eyes are closed and my arms are fixed tightly around my treasured girl, my chin resting protectively on top of her head as we embark eagerly upon the long journey of our whole lives together. I've found a place I'll never leave.


https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=HZFJVAaSOrE

“Shiver at the sight of you.” – Yeah! I swear we really did do that, both of us, literally, each time we met. Such a feeling, and a complex yet faultless, easy bonding; feelings not reasons and always forever, pure and simple every time. We were surely meant to be. We still are. I have to keep the faith for both of us at a time when my poor sweetheart isn’t able to.

A decade later, Guardian Angel, the version by Dana Winner (Writers: Evans-Ironside &Gebegern. (Masquerade.), was released a couple of years before this nightmare happened. Sherrie loved it. She clung to me misty eyed one wonderful night after we’d made love and told me that she’d never lose hers. Well that assertion didn’t age well as things stand. In view of events and my current state of mind it needs no further explanation – things will never be the same - so I let it wash over me:

I feel I'm falling apart 'cause I know I've lost my guardian angel
A fleeting glimpse of your heart losing right from the start - no return
An' things will never be the same.
I feel I'm falling apart 'cause I know I've lost my guardian angel
A fleeting glimpse of your heart losing right from the start - no return
An' things will never be the same.


Try to find the words that show I sympathise
Words of comfort, words that never criticise
though I know you're simply laughing at me
I just can't stop and simply let it be.
Where are all those feelings of my yesterdays
Feelings now I have bring back those bad old ways.
Though I know you wanna turn and blow
I just can't stop and simply let you go.

I feel I'm falling apart 'cause I know I've lost my guardian angel
A fleeting glimpse of your heart losing right from the start - no return
An' things will never be the same.


Let me see you smile once more that special way
warm as summer on a chilly winter's day
Though I know you're simply laughing at me
I just can't stop and simply let it be.
I feel I'm falling apart 'cause I know I've lost my guardian angel
A fleeting glimpse of your heart losing right from the start - no return
An' things will never be the same.


I feel I'm falling apart 'cause I know I've lost my guardian angel
A fleeting glimpse of your heart losing right from the start - no return
An' things will never be the same.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ozY9tyrHcT0

Shit and pillagery, woman! We had heaven in our hands. How could we fuck it up so badly and let it all slip through our fingers?

[Johng1953]

This reads like she died. Which is what it must have felt like.

[Trickydicky69]

Some good views from blooit1 although I still think Geoff has been probably stirring trouble in the background. Not all Doms have good intentions.
As a playtime only Dom myself, keeping it going for 20 years is amazing! It’s hard work being a Dom. The sub probably gets more fun .

The story moves on a bit but in my mind, confirms that Sherrie is mentally in a dark space. To go from all cheerful two weeks before and now this. She has been hiding her inner turmoil except for the occasional glimpse of this bottomless pit - with hindsight, that might have been the time to drag her back.

And the smoking? Who’s to say she hasn’t been doing drugs too? You state she’s vehemently anti drugs but she’s turned into someone else who hasn’t been telling you the whole truth… so honestly, it’s what you believed then but what else is she going to shock you with????

Not winding you up John, but you have steered us into taking a philosophical, optimistic view of these events whilst forecasting dark times. And these are recollections of your feelings but are they tinged by looking through the rosé coloured spectacles of time or your undying love?

You’ve taken the view that she told you everything you needed to know. But as a “neutral” observer, I can’t help feeling that she didn’t tell you enough. Otherwise, how did you/she get into this mess? Because if you had had the full picture of her mind, surely you would have pulled her back? I know you egged her on but only because she asked for it and thanked you for supporting her.
Apart from the bottomless pit example, she’s never really given you an inkling of this turmoil.
And although you can be understanding of her as a fragile human being and your partner, she really has expected everything from you. But didn’t give you the chance to help when you might have been able to turn the ship away from the rocks.

[Build2last]

Pain shopping phase. At least for John.

It's one of the things in the guide. Probably only the first of many times it will happen, and will most likely get worse if Sherrie puts herself back on the market and he finds out about it.

Dark times indeed.

[Tracey52]

It’s heart wrenching. I assume you would never have started this adventure if it would have avoided these bad times?

[PaNic]

If this was a current situation you were describing (so eloquently!) I’d be egging you on to send something reassuring with those bank forms. Not to disrespect her choice for space and aloneness but still to make absolutely sure she knows that your love is as solid as ever.
That brief call sounded like Sherrie is feeling unlovable which is obviously not true but can be a dangerous rabbit hole. Having said that, history shows you know what you’re doing!

[Trickydicky69]

You can agree that she needs some time and space because she is in turmoil and probably heading towards depression so understandable that John is worried- people sadly think they are worthless and in pain and seek to end it.
But if he pushes too hard, she’ll find a way to use that to make herself angry with him and even more likely to refuse his help or communicate.
Delicate dark times.
How can this resolve?
I suppose after a few weeks, maybe time alone will help give some perspective.
That being by herself is boring.
That she does miss John.
Maybe starts worrying about money
Misses the bdsm but unlikely to find anyone like Geoff.
Or tries returning to Geoff.
But I can’t see that going to Geoff will work for reasons previously mentioned although the timeline suggests that it restarts.
So does that mean the arrangement starts up again but fizzles out since it has now lost the sparkle. Suddenly too much reality has crept in?
I’m sure John would accept that to have Sherrie back.
In between that, the business folds and Sherrie has to accept that her need to explore has had consequences and she and John are the most important things in her life?
And what about children? I don’t think John has stated their intentions but Geoff had the snip and John was denied anyway. Does Sherrie now start thinking about that as the next step?
After all, everything is now up in the air.
I’ve certainly had friends completely change their views about kids due to other major changes in their lives.
It’s certainly make or break!

[KarrieKraves]

Well in the spirit of these segments becoming darker and more difficult to read (and fathom), this one is certainly in keeping. Very sad indeed to those of us reading that have become so attached to yourself and Sherrie over this past year or so. This segment although shorter this time, has a lot of hidden reveals both about the past as well as about the mental and emotional make up of both of you, but especially Sherrie.
I have now completed an entire career as a Mental health professional and recognizing some of the concepts here in this last segment have me more than a little concerned as follows:
The first issue (and probably the most serious and impactful at this point in the story) is Sherrie’s self-harming and self-sabotaging behaviors. As her mother has been “force feeding” her, Sherrie has obviously come off the training diet which Geoff had so carefully drawn up for her and so rigidly enforced to this point. She has also began smoking cigarettes and is currently up to at least five cigarettes daily - a first for her, fully aware of how detrimental smoking can be to any competitive player of a sport, but especially in a sport like long distance running where lung capacity is vital. Although it wasn’t specifically mentioned in the post I am assuming she has also quit her most important swimming and training regime at this time as well.
Included here as well is her current, and it seems total, disinterest in the business that the two of you (but especially of interest to her should be her own hard work and effort) put so much time and effort into. This especially knowing that the business is currently in a particularly precarious position financially, with just recently losing a major client and having had to dismiss two employees as part of a cost cutting measure. Sherrie is also fully aware that should the business falter or fail without her presence, John will suffer terribly as well. I see this as another and further form of self-sabotaging/self-punishing behavior.
John also makes the statement “ Now she seems to be turning the blame in on herself, but I’m concerned about her self-harming with cigarettes, and I fear what might follow.” Would readers be correct to assume that "what might follow" is that Sherrie, given her current emotional instability combined with her historic sexual appetite, might put herself at risk by engaging in unprotected sex with strangers through bar pickups or one night stands etc. putting her own safety and sexual health at further risk??
Another point of grave concern is her self-depreciating thinking and statements: “I don’t deserve your love.” “I’m a terrible person.”
She also makes the statement to John “I told you not to get involved with someone who destroys everyone she loves.”
John remembers that this last statement is a result of a conversation between the two of them when they first met at the age of 19.
The first Red Flag here for me of course, is why would a 19-year-old girl make this type of a statement.
This is interesting because over the years of my career I have actually heard this exact statement or statements very closely mirroring this one many times. The vast majority of these declarations have been made by females (especially adolescent or females about to enter young adulthood). Further it was usually confirmed that, indeed statements of this nature were backed up by a psyche dominated by many deep and dark issues including intense anger usually stemming from situations where either single or (more likely) multiple incidents of childhood sexual abuse/trauma had occurred.
Often people who engage in self-harming/self-punishing behavior both physical and emotional (emotional self harming primarily through the use of self-depreciation) seek a catharsis from the tremendous anger, emotional pain and suffering they are feeling. “Cutters” and "slashers" will often describe a feeling of euphoria as they can actually feel their intense anger and other deep and dark feelings leaving their body as they “bleed out” after a cutting incident.
I imagine then that this same type of euphoria and catharsis can be achieved through various BDSM activities. Sessions of cannings and beltings for example would serve to “beat” the submissives anger and “dark feelings” out of their body. It makes me curious if this is what Sherrie was describing the night she “spilled her guts” to Geoff when she had revealed that Geoff had “comforted me in his own way.”
If so then perhaps Sherrie’s troubles at this point are considerably more serious than any of us might imagine.

Again…..as much as I wait looking forward to reading the next installment in this tale, as I have with every installment thus far, I now seem to find myself a bit overwhelmed with trepidation, fearing exactly how much worse the news is going to get, and how much further down the rabbit hole this situation is going to go

[BDJ]

I'm going to confess that until I read KarrieKraves's post I was kind of upset at all the speculation that the new posters have been bringing into John's story. Chris and I were a different type of commenter with Chris being, by far, the most insightful. KarrieKraves matches Chris in bringing such clarifying insight into the discussion. I hope he continues to give us benefit of his knowledge and experience.

I did predict a break, though I thought it more probable Sherrie would move in with Geoff. He had such a hold on her. That she is throwing away those years of conditioning, abusing her body intentionally, makes me wonder how Geoff will react when she goes back to him. From John's previous comments we know the affair lasted six years. How that reunion, not the one with John, is of major concern to me now. Sherrie is bereft, in mourning for the loss of her master, of her anchor (John), and clearly in a self destructive mood. On the other hand, she is so intelligent and insightful as to what is happening to her that I cannot expect her to react, over time, like most of us would.

Clearly, John is recording all this, in this way, so we understand the yen and yang of the overall dynamic. It's going to be a long ride while their story is told in its entirety. My advice to all who are reading here: gird up your lions. But remember, they survived. How that happened will be an inspiration to all of us.

BDJ