POLL: Should I be concerned if one, the other or both develop feelings?

[deffle]

If there's a solid marriage, sensible people and no real drama, what are pitfalls of the wife, her lover or both falling for the other?

I suppose anything is possible, but I'm seriously not worried about the wife doing anything that would affect our marriage, family or lives together. She's smart, loyal and we trust each other with our lives.

The only obstacle I, personally, can think of is - my feelings might be hurt sometimes - and that's not really an obstacle at all. The daunting "angst" always passes.

As for her: She insists that she's not "in love" and I know that to be true on many levels. However, she really does love his dick right now, much more than mine, because of all the new relationship energy (NRE). This is very hot and and to be expected. She says "I love you" to him all the time, even while they're having one of their crazy, passionate fucks. We also had a pregnancy scare where she openly and nonchalantly told me if it came to it, she wouldn't mind having his baby. Again, she's a big girl and handles this amazingly and is not the type to "fall" for someone, but we're definitely in a place where we haven't been... particularly her if she's telling the person whose baby she'd have "I love you" while he's fucking her.

As for him: I'm pretty sure he's well on his way to falling for her if he hasn't already. He was infatuated with her right away, but as time went on he got more passionate and sweet toward her. He whispers stuff to her constantly while they're screwing, and he's telling her "I love you" while he pumps his seed into her. That, quite literally, took my freaking breath away. He's big boy too and seems like a very decent person, but also looks like a guy that's beyond smitten with M.

As for me: I ALWAYS wanted her to have a real boyfriend that she digs and digs her back. I love the way he treats M and how crazy he is for her. I have a big dick and we have great sex, but his dick, though just slightly smaller, is much better for her right now. Funny I usually didn't get a lot of "angst" before this guy - he just fucks her sooooo good. It is truly humbling, and at first hard to watch, but amazing and rewarding. He is so good for her, and us. Even her health, which is already off the charts, got measurably better since seeing him.

I brought my concerns to her. She insisted that neither she nor he actually have feelings, but left the possibility that he may be headed in that direction. Her reaction was basically "And?" She doesn't seem a bit worried. Funny thing is, I found it hard to answer. I could end this at any time, but would be an IDIOT to do so - it's something I've wanted forever, and the reality is even better than the fantasy.

So, besides my feelings getting hurt, what should I be worried about?

This is more of a general question that a personal one, but for those interested, there's a lot more detail regarding my personal situation her and her current boyfriend at this thread:

viewtopic.php?f=9&t=64734

[Cdncuck]

My wife generally keeps it fun. It's all about the sex and having a good time. She likes variety and most guys don't last more than a few weeks. However, over the course of our relationship she has been in love with 6 guys and they had varying degrees of affection for her from good friends to deeply in love. She has a couple of guys she's been seeing for over 25 years.
However, for us, it's nothing to worry about. The first time it happened was a bit of a shock for both of us. The main thing for us was understanding that despite the fact she was in love with him, she was still in love with me. We're taught you can only love one person at a time. For some of us that simply isn't the case. When she has developed strong feelings for a guy we don't do mfm things anymore. The guys and I are friends. They come over for dinner or a bbq. It's just that their sex life becomes separated from the sex life of she and I. She doesn't stop seeing other men when having these relationships. She sometimes does mfm with the boyfriend and some of his friends.
She says what she feels for me is different than what she feels for them but it's still a form of love. Whether or not something like this would work for you, well only you and your wife can work that out.

[SilverStag]

What is needed is definition between "Romance" and "Romantic Feelings". Both my HW Cecil and I enjoy being romantic with our playmates. By that we mean kissing, seduction, stolen glances and touching, along with knowing our playmates well enough to actually care about their real lives (not just how developments in their lives effect our playtimes). We usually mean that as true "Friends with benefits" relationships. We "love" most of our friends, playmates or not, but it is a different kind of "love" from a romantic feeling. Degrees of love are manyfold and very hard to define.

The unacceptable (to us) thing would be the "Romantic Feelings" as in wishing to be with that playmate more than each other or involving them in parts of our lives that shouldn't normally be touched by a playmate (IE: It's one thing to show concern for illness in a playmate's relative, but another thing completely if one offers to care for that ill person or take responsibility to a playmate's relative. Same idea in helping with financial assistance to a playmate or their relative).

Secrecy in any actions with a playmate is unacceptable to us.

[zorro]

There have been a lot of one-and-dones and sometimes a limited streak of play with a few guys. Ruth has never fell in love with any of them, even when the sex has been stellar. But she has become "fond" of some of them.
We find the fondness makes the quality of the sexual experience and satisfaction better than just using a flesh-and-blood dildo.

[Her number1]

There were times early on when I was concerned, and even really bothered by the connection she had with a lover. The way for me to get past it was to trust her, and I decided to up my game. My goal was to be the husband she wanted. Not the husband I thought I was, but the type she wanted. It took self-reflection and self-examination on my part, but oh was it worth it!
Knowing I meet her needs, it doesn't bother me that she loves her guys. There is a difference between her 'loving' and her being 'in love. Even, I love another woman, but Farmgirl knows I'm 'in love ' with Farmgirl.

[Des 31]

My wife is now 35 and has been at this since she was 27. Feelings between her and others come about more often than not. We each understand the reasons and that has been no problem for me or her for the reason each of us take our marital vows seriously, have good communication, and trust. At the beginning, I had feelings of jealousy and insecurity, but those soon went away once she and I had talked over her attitude about extramarital sex. I want her to enjoy it, and I get as much out of her activities as most in this lifestyle.

We suspect an emotional bonding between a wife and another man engaged in frequent sexual activity is probably common in most hotwife relationships, whether a husband realizes it or not. In our view, whether it works for others is dependent upon the depth of the couple's marital commitment and their understanding of the other. We don't think this is for everyone, particularly in an otherwise troubled marriage.

~ Des

[tractorman2]

My wife has fallen in love with two men in her cuckoldress life, the first she decided she could convince me to accept he impreganted her and i would likely stay with her, something i didnt know at the time and didnt happen anyway she was in her 20s. She finished this relationship. The seconds she called a halt to as she knew this was damaging our relationship and marriage, again i didnt realise this till later she was in her 40s.

[parklife]

As long as everything is out in the open and everyone has their voice heard in some manner, I don’t think it’s fine to proceed. Doesn’t mean all three of you need to talk it out together.

I’d be more concerned with the third or FWB developing feelings just because he’s the “other” and while you can know your wife and your relationship, you can’t ever really know how the ‘other’ will react.

My wife and her first FWB definitely developed feelings and eventually he cut things off with my wife because he wanted more than she would give. I’m appreciative of the fact he recognized that and did so rather than try to figure out ways to get her for himself. She was crushed and hurt just like any relationship ending.

If there is anything to be concerned about, perhaps that’s it. The ending/unwinding. The deeper the feelings, the harder it is dealing with the breakup. My wife knows her current situation is going to end someday and I know when it does, I’m going to have to help console and council her. Be prepared for that as the husband.

[SSQ]

Depends what works for all involved. What does everyone want, and what are the ramifications?

Communication is the key.

[Parsifal]

"Feelings" was the way my wife first declared her love for me, as in, "I have feelings for you too." Telling me, "I'm in love with you too" was too direct under our unique circumstances. So the question, as posed, drags along some semantics that perhaps aren't felt by someone for whom the words don't signal that kind of association. But be that as it may, the wisest answer is from Farmgirl's No. 1 - be what she wants as a husband, if you aren't that already and can grow into it. Number 1 grew into it; Des seems to have fit that mold from the start. Not I. Second best, be who you are, and hopefully she can grow into the wife you want her to be if she isn't that already. My wife has come several steps in my direction, and I in hers. It is a compromise, and yes, communication plays a major role in working through the moving parts - thank you SSQ. So in the end, we describe her relationships in terms of good chemistry, etc, but not emotional love or "feelings."

[Nowayareyousure]

But be that as it may, the wisest answer is from Farmgirl's No. 1 - be what she wants as a husband, if you aren't that already and can grow into it. Number 1 grew into it; Des seems to have fit that mold from the start. Not I. Second best, be who you are, and hopefully she can grow into the wife you want her to be if she isn't that already. My wife has come several steps in my direction, and I in hers. It is a compromise, and yes, communication plays a major role in working through the moving parts - thank you SSQ.

I love the way you put that. Each growing into what the other needs and wants. Marriage is about accepting and loving the person for who they are as well as becoming a better mate, lover, and friend for your spouse.

[deffle]

I knew this would be the only place where I'd get these types of thoughtful, relevant responses. You folks certainly didn't disappoint.

Thanks everyone.

[FNQLivin]

It’s clear though that this is nagging a little at you. Your posts have mentioned this a few times since she met him again. Doesn’t mean to say that feeling is wrong though.

As Mr Parklife said, you know your wife, you don’t know him. And whilst today he seems really cool, he could change.

[natasnaikul]

Let it happen. The sex will be that much better for her and she will be grateful

[deffle]

It’s clear though that this is nagging a little at you. Your posts have mentioned this a few times since she met him again. Doesn’t mean to say that feeling is wrong though.

As Mr Parklife said, you know your wife, you don’t know him. And whilst today he seems really cool, he could change.

Very observant on your part.

What's new for me is the passion they have during their lovemaking sessions. It literally takes my breath away. Once, however, I got past having my bell rung like that, I knew it was exactly what I wanted for her, regardless of any unexpected angst I'd have to deal with. It's also what I want for me and our marriage. It's insanely hot, deeply satisfying, and makes me a much better man and husband. It makes her better too - even healthwise.

The "bad" part is that we've had a very candid talk since I posted this, and she really is *not* in love with him, at least at this point. She does like him a lot and is affectionate with him much more than any of her other boyfriends. She loves sex as she always has, but it's not anything very deep, at least yet. She was very straight-up about it, and I was actually quite disappointed. I know now that I want a situation where two guys really love/lust after her - and I would love for her to love/lust with two men.

You also point out that he, the BF, could be a weak link at some point. Although the guy seems very easy to get along with, it's a legit concern with anyone. Hopefully, I'll get to know him much better this weekend and see how the dynamics of the 3 of us together works.

What I do know for sure, is for now, we're all in a very good place. Better than I could have hoped.

[Minnhotwife]

I would say it depends like others have mentioned on here. If the marriage is strong and the trust unshakable, then let your wife explore on her terms always respecting the mutually agreed rules and boundaries. If feelings develop between a wife and her lover(s), then give her the space to see how she can handle it. It may turn out our wives/partners can handle having mutual emotional connections with multiple partners. It’s called poly and is a healthy choice/relationship modal for some adults.

I know my wife wants the emotional as well as physical connection. Some of her boyfriends do as well but not all.

I guess the questions are what are we afraid to lose or why don’t we trust our wives to do what’s right for her and the multiple relationships? It may take some professional help to navigate these relationships but there’s no shame in that.

[GreekHWcpl]

Hello to everyone. For us is a natural thing to develop feelings for the lover, but we always talk and try not to let things go out of control, meaning that when rhe feelings goes stronger we automatically terminating the contact.

[Bongomadness 6969]

For us, wifey developing feelings for someone, caring for them is fine. Falling in love with them is not. She fell in love with one boyfriend, one time and it almost cost us 30 years of marriage. There were other factors involved but we're not willing to go down that road again.

[Johnann2227]

One of our rules is that if either party starts developing genuine, deep feelings then the relationship must end. Our swinging, open marriage, hotwifing is all about sex and pleasure with others. Love and commitment is purely between us.

[Natatude]

My lover, I love him, he’s my best friend. But I don’t love him that much that I want to leave my life I have with my husband for. I can have the best of both worlds! And it works and has for 27 years